Home is Not a Place


Rachel was fidgety at work. She checked her cellphone for the third time in the past ten minutes, even though the ringtone was on max and it hadn't left her sight all afternoon.

Still no news from Ross.

Today was Jack Geller's appointment with Dr. Otto, a renowned oncologist Dr. Leonard Green had promptly contacted upon hearing the news from his daughter. Rachel felt happy to be able to offer some real help, but being so far away when the appointment finally came was really doing things to her.

She'd ended up seeing the Gellers on her Thanksgiving visit after all, and it had both soothed and aggravated her nerves. They were both in much better shape than she'd expected to find them – Jack looked a bit thinner but still carried his usual good humor, and aside from the few occasional and harmless mix ups, Judy pretty much seemed the same.

"Oh, my dear, don't you worry about us." She'd told Rachel on an embrace. "Jack's going to be fine, and you know they're just being dramatic with this thing with me. Now come on, sit here and tell me all about how you're doing. How's my granddaughter been? Oh, she looks so gorgeous."

Rachel had smiled sweetly at her and done as she was told, but when her eyes wandered to find Ross', his told a different story.

The loud ring of her phone snapped her out of her memories – and practically made her jump out of her chair. She picked it up quickly.

"Hey."

"Hi Rach. Is this a bad time?"

"No, not at all. I was waiting for your call. How did it go?"

"Well, Dr. Otto was great, we just left his office. He saw dad's records and ordered some new tests. I guess we'll have to wait and see how it goes, but uh… I don't know, he seemed somewhat optimistic, which was a nice change to be honest."

Rachel smiled. It was nice to finally hear a bit of cheerfulness in Ross' voice again, it's been gone for such a long time now.

"I'm so happy to hear that, Ross."

"Yeah. This type of case really is right up his alley so uh… Thank you, Rachel."

"You don't need to thank me, honey. I want to see your dad well. I want to see all of you well. And I'm happy to help any way I can."

"I know. I know I don't need to thank you, but… Thanks." He said earnestly.

She smiled again.

"You're welcome." She replied in a small voice, trying to keep herself from tearing up. "How's your mom doing?"

"She's doing well. Although – and I think this is mostly her just being stubborn – but she got Emma a ton of Christmas presents, even though I'd already told her…" He trailed off when he realized what he was about to say, because they hadn't officially had this conversation yet. "You know I'm not going to be able to…" He trailed off again.

"Oh no, of course, Ross. I mean, I figured." She understood right away where this was going. "Don't worry about it."

She knew exactly what didn't need to be said out loud: he wouldn't be able to visit them for Christmas.

They had originally decided that she would go over for Thanksgiving, and he would come over for Christmas and New Year's Eve, but that was before. Now, he didn't know when his last holiday season with his parents was going to be anymore, so he had to cherish the one they had at hand. The only certainty they had right now was the present.

He sighed on the other side, not wanting to deal with this anymore.

"How's everything? How are you, how's Emma?"

"We're good. We wrote her letter to Santa the other day and she's pretty excited about that. I guess it's the first year she sort of understands what's going on."

"Yeah? And what did she ask for? A stuffed dinosaur?"

Rachel laughed.

"Oh, you wish." She heard Ross laugh back on the other side and felt proud for provoking this reaction on him.

They talked for a few more heartwarming minutes before hanging up and Rachel was busy Googling plane tickets to NYC when her office line rang.

"Hi Rachel, Caro wants to see you for a minute." Her assistant announced. "Are you available right now?"

Rachel shifted at her seat and looked at her watch.

"Yeah, sure."

A few minutes later she was entering her boss' large corner office. It was sleek and chic, exactly like Caroline herself, who was standing next to her desk looking gorgeous in a flawless all black outfit.

"Hi Caro."

"Hi Rachel, please take a seat." She said in her beautiful Parisian accent.

Rachel did as she was told and smiled despite her nerves that were building up again. She wondered whether this about the day off she had to take the other day because Emma was sick and that unexpected crisis in her department came up.

"Well, first of all, relax, this is a good meeting." Caroline explained.

"Oh, OK."

"Since this is your first year with us, this is your first end of the year sit down with me. Basically, I just want chat for a bit – give you some feedback and also hear back from you."

"Sounds good."

She finally sat down and looked across her desk at Rachel.

"We're very impressed with your work, Rachel. You're very committed, you have excellent taste, and everybody here likes working with you."

Rachel smiled genuinely this time. She knew she had been working hard since her arrival, harder than she used to in the States. She knew most Americans had a reputation in Europe and she was determined to show herself as more than a stereotype.

Plus, it helped that in Paris she didn't have a tight group of friends to hang out with at the coffee house during office hours.

"Thank you, Caro. It's really nice to hear that. I'm happy to be a part of the team."

"Let's discuss your Christmas bonus and next year's salary."


Rachel stepped out of her boss' office with a huge smile on her face. In days like today, she really took the time to reflect on her life and could hardly believe how far she had come. Growing up, nobody ever really considered Rachel a particularly intelligent person, herself included. And sure, she might still not be exactly book smart, academics were never her forte. But now she could finally recognize that she was a smart and fierce woman, no matter how others perceived her from the outside.

On the other hand, this meeting didn't come without a blow: she had to scrap her short-lived plans of flying to the US for Christmas. Her boss had offered her a role in an exciting new project, for which she needed to be in the office in the upcoming weeks, and Rachel took it on the spot. She would still have a few days off for Christmas and New Year's Eve celebrations, but not enough to make the whole hassle of flying with an infant worth it – especially during the busiest and most stressful time of the year to be braving through crowded airports and overbooked flights.

On her way back to her office, she smiled politely at a couple of her co-workers.

"Salut." She said politely.

"Bonjour Rachel." One of them said back.

"Celine, I'll catch up with you later." Said the other, on a British accent. "Rach, wait up!"

Rachel stopped and turned around to see Lisa from Marketing approaching her.

"Hey."

"Hi! So are we still on for Friday? I need to give the babysitter the heads up."

Rachel smiled.

"Oh yeah, definitely."

"Brilliant. See you and Emma at around 7 then!"


Friday night, Rachel and Lisa left the kids with the babysitter at Lisa's apartment and walked to a nearby bistro. The two women hit it off right away since Lisa had been transferred from the London office, just a couple of months before. For the past few weeks, they'd been alternating between doing things with the kids and going out just the two of them for some much-needed girls' night. It finally felt like Rachel was developing a real friendship in Paris, one of the things she missed the most about her life in America.

"So, what's new with you?" Lisa asked as they waited for their food, taking a sip of her cocktail.

"Not much." Rachel answered. "It's been a busy week at work though, so I'm very much looking forward to a quiet lazy weekend."

Lisa laughed.

"Is that what you're going to do all weekend? Rest?"

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Does your daughter even let you?"

"Honestly, lately she'd been more and more like me, sleeping in and in a mood when she finally wakes up. Especially now in this cooler weather. So, yeah, she's been letting me sleep a bit more lately."

"God, my kids are so naughty I'm lucky if I can get 5h of sleep every night."

"Ouch." Rachel reacted with a small laugh.

"What about the bloke you brought to that office party?" Lisa raised her eyebrows suggestively. "Doesn't he keep you busy on the weekends?"

Rachel gave her a small smile before answering.

"That's over, actually."

"Oh. Sorry to hear, love."

"No, it's OK." Rachel waved it off. "It started for the wrong reasons anyway and then things just got worse after my trip to the US for Thanksgiving."

"And why is that?"

Rachel bit her bottom lip and decided to just let it all out.

"I uh… I realized I'm still in love with Emma's dad."

"Oh." Lisa reacted like that was the last thing she expected to hear. In a way, Rachel herself couldn't believe she said it out loud either. It had been so long since she'd allowed herself to open up to someone about her feelings for him. Maybe it was the fact that Lisa hadn't lived through the whole thing like her other friends had – maybe it was the alcohol. "Oh, wow. You should have led with that when I asked what was up!"

Rachel gave her a little smile as a response to her little joke, but it faded quickly as she pondered about their situation.

"But he's there and I'm here and…" She trailed off. "I thought he'd found someone after he cancelled his plans of coming over to see us, but as it turns out both of his parents are not doing so well."

"Oh no."

"Yeah. I mean, they're kind of OK for now, but we don't know how things are going to progress, you know? But then I just felt so guilty. It just felt like I started dating Hugo to get back at him and it just didn't seem fair to anyone involved. Especially after I came back and finally admitted to myself that I still love him."

"And what are you going to do about that?"

"What do you mean?"

Lisa frowned.

"You're just going to ignore the fact you still love this guy?"

"I've done that so many times in the past, I'm pretty good at it." She chuckled to herself, even though it wasn't particularly funny. Lisa looked at her with kindness in her eyes, which made Rachel soften up and talk seriously again. "Honestly, I think we may have missed our chance. We've had so many ups and downs as a couple, it's a miracle we've managed to stay good friends in the end. Maybe we should just remain that way, you know?"

Lisa thought about it.

"I suppose that makes things easier when you're raising a child together. God knows my ex and I didn't have the same luck."

Rachel nodded.

It felt so good to finally talk to someone. She hadn't been able to vent to anyone before because who could she talk to about this? Monica – who basically warned her to stay away from her brother romantically during her trip?

None of the others would get it either because they didn't understand her life in Paris the way Lisa did – as a foreigner and a single working mother herself, with ambitions like Rachel's.

Some days her heart ached to be in New York, but her head kept thinking about all the opportunities she still hasn't seized on this side of the world yet.

"And besides, there's so much happening right now. He's got a lot going on and I do too, here."

"You had your first evaluation this week, right?"

"I did, yeah." Rachel smiled to herself. "You know, seven years ago I was waiting tables at a café in New York. And now… I'm very happy to be where I am right now, professionally."

What she didn't need to say was that she was still not satisfied with the other areas in her life here in the old continent. She knew nothing would compare to her group of friends or having her family around, but still her personal life could use some improvement.

"Hey, do you have plans for the holiday break?" Lisa asked.

"Mm, I think my mom's coming over for Christmas with one of my sisters – God help me." She half joked. "Then they're planning to go to London for New Years, but I'm not so sure I'm on board for that. No offence."

They shared a laugh because Rachel had told Lisa all about her little adventure in London and just how disastrous that had been.

"None taken, although I do think you need to visit the city properly at least once. But anyway, a few friends and the kids and I are going to Italy, if you want to join us. We're staying at a friend's place, they have a huge house in Tuscany and it's going to be really kid-friendly, so rest assured Emma will have a good time too."

Rachel smiled.

"That sounds great. I'll think about it."

"What is there to think about, Green? There will be good wine, good food, beautiful scenery and a nonna who will want to babysit the kids all the time. Just say yes."

Rachel laughed.

"Well, when you put it like that… Yeah, we're in."


Rachel adjusted the laptop so Ross could see their Christmas tree on the background.

"Oh wow. It's bigger than I'd pictured it."

She smiled and looked back to admire it.

"We might have gotten carried away." She admitted. "I wanted to make it nice since it's Emma's first, and, well, Mom and Jill are coming over."

"Oh, when it was just me, there was no need for it, huh? Got it." He joked and she laughed.

"Come on."

She kept smiling at him on the screen, happy to see his smile too seemed genuine, and they had one of their little moments. She didn't know those were even possible over Skype.

"I'm looking at tickets to come over in January." He finally spoke again. "Would that be OK with you?"

"Always, Ross. You know that."

They smiled at each other again.

"Oh, but when in January?" She asked as she remembered about the New Year's trip. "We'll be away until the 4th."

"Caved in and decided to go to London with your mom, did you?"

Rachel chuckled.

"No, Emma and I are actually going to Italy with a co-worker of mine."

"Oh." Ross reacted, surprised.

"Lisa." Rachel clarified quickly, when she realized how that may have sounded – especially knowing so well how Ross' mind usually worked. "She's got a friend with a house there and she's got kids too, so I figure that'll be better for Emma than long busy days in London with my mom and Jill."

"Yeah, that makes sense." Ross said and nodded, thinking about it. "There's a lot to explore over at your end. You should make the most of it."

Rachel nodded.

And they had another moment, except this time they weren't smiling.

You should make the most if it.

His words felt so loaded – and she didn't feel like unpacking them right now.

They were interrupted by their daughter walking in with Morgan, who helped Rachel around the house only part time now that Emma was going to daycare.

Both immediately turned their attention to them and caught the toddler chatting away with Morgan in French, talking about the neighbor's cat. Ross chuckled and Rachel smiled when she noticed the pride in his eyes.

"I told you she's better at it than me."

"Merci, Morgan." The little girl thanked her after being helped with her little coat and hat. "Maman!"

"Hi mon ange. Daddy is in the computer, come say hi!"

Rachel extended her arms towards their daughter, who joined them gleefully. Rachel pulled her to her lap and kissed her hair.

"Hi daddy."

"Hi sweetie. Mommy was just showing me your tree, it's so beautiful."

The little girl giggled.

"It's the bestest tree in the world."

Ross chuckled.

"It is really nice." He agreed.

"Daddy, do you have a tree?" She asked curiously.

"Ah, no, honey. Not this year."

"Why not?"

"Because daddy will spend Christmas with Aunt Monica and Uncle Chandler and they have a tree."

Rachel looked down and noticed Emma was now looking at the Barbie in her hand. She knew the little girl was listening, even though she looked disengaged.

"Do you remember when we talked about how Grandma Green and Aunt Jill are coming to spend Christmas with us? And also how Daddy will spend his Christmas with Aunt Monica, Uncle Chandler and Grandma and Grandpa Geller?"

Emma looked up at the screen again and raised her toy to the camera level.

"Daddy, look at my Barbie."

"That's, that's really pretty, honey. I like her hat."

Emma giggled again.

"She says Merci!"

Ross smiled a little sadly on the other side and Rachel's heart tightened in her chest.

"Sweetheart, I really wish I could spend Christmas with you."

"OK." She hopped off her mother's lap. "I go drink juice now. Bye-bye daddy!"

Rachel watched as she ran to the kitchen in quick tiny steps. She then heard her exchange words with Morgan and turned to look at Ross again.

"I'm sorry." Rachel said softly, but she wasn't sure why.

She could see through Emma's actions clear as day, but she wasn't sure if Ross could as well. He might have seen this as pure disregard from her part, not caring about whether he would be able to come or not. But Rachel knew very well she did care, which was why deep down she was actually upset.

She didn't know which of those conclusions Ross had arrived at – or which would hurt him more.

"No, hey, it's fine. We'll talk better later, and I guess I'll see you guys in January. I'll let you know once I have a date, OK?"

"OK."

"Talk to you later, Rach."

"Yeah, you too."


Happy holidays everyone.

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