Home is Not a Place


Rachel checked her phone discretely for the second time since they'd been waiting for their table at the restaurant – and for the second her moves didn't go unnoticed by the man standing beside her. This was her third date with Julien and tonight Lisa had insisted on watching Emma overnight, just in case Rachel's evening got "busy". She had protested at first, but at the very least the possibility of sleeping in on a Sunday made her cave in.

"I'm sorry this is taking long, but I promise the duck will make up for the wait." Julien apologized in a thick and very sexy French accent.

"Oh no, sorry, I'm just checking to see if there's any calls or texts from my friend Lisa. She has Emma tonight." She explained.

"Oh, OK. How is she?"

Rachel couldn't tell yet if he was being genuine or just asking out of politeness, but decided not to question it just yet.

"She's good. She was pretty excited about her first real sleepover."

And this time it was the look on his face that didn't go unnoticed, as if Rachel had just disclosed exactly how far their date would go. Before she could react to it, her phone did in fact start to ring, and she was surprised to see not Lisa's name on the screen, but Ross'.

"I'm sorry, I need to take this." She told Julien before turning around slightly to answer it. Any unscheduled call from New York had her on the edge, worrying something urgent had happened. "Hi Ross. Anything wrong?"

"Hi Rach. No, hey, nothing wrong here. I'm just returning your call."

"Oh, right!"

"Yeah, sorry, I was at the movies, so I just saw it."

"Right." So, tonight was probably date night for him too, she thought. Well, technically it was still afternoon over there. "I just wanted to tell you that we're going to make it to Jack and Erica's birthday after all."

"You managed to get the time off?" He sounded delightedly surprised, which made her smile.

"Yes, and I got our tickets this afternoon."

"That's great, Rach! Monica's going to be so happy."

Rachel smiled wider. Oh, how she missed them all.

She also had to restrain herself from teasing him about what he'd just said.

"Just Monica?" she wanted to shoot back. But now that he was seeing someone else, she had to be careful with those flirty comebacks that came so naturally sometimes when she was talking to him.

"How's she doing, how are you guys?" She asked instead.

They started chatting as if Rachel had completely forgotten she was on a date herself, until she finally noticed they were being called by the hostess and raised her index finger to Julien, as if asking for just one more second.

"Honey, I'm sorry, I gotta go. I'm at a restaurant and our table's ready."

"Oh, are you out with your friends?"

The one second too long it took her to answer spoke louder than her words.

"Something like that."

"Gotcha." He said on the other side. "Well, I won't get in your way. Enjoy your evening, Rachel." He said truthfully.

"Thanks." She replied softly.

They walked to their table in silence and while she was studying the menu Rachel could feel Julien's eyes on her.

"So how often do you speak to your ex?" He finally asked.

She looked up from the menu and frowned. Without missing another beat, she shot right back:

"Is this going to be a problem?"

Julien seemed surprised by her curt non-answer and Rachel almost regretted her words. But then again, she needed to know if this was in fact going to be an issue, the sooner the better, because it was a dealbreaker if she ever saw one.

"No, I was just asking."

He smiled apologetically and she disarmed herself a little. Julien was a nice man, he deserved a chance. Besides, with the language barriers, she may have misinterpreted how he meant what he'd said, and since moving to Paris Rachel had learned to give people the benefit of the doubt when it came to that.

"He's not just my ex, he's my best friend." She explained in a friendlier tone. "And he's Emma's father, so he'll always be around."

"I understand that. I uh, I'm friends with my exes too."

Rachel forced a smile, willing to bet with herself that that wasn't actually true. But, well, whatever he needed to convince himself that he too was mature like that – and make himself feel better about her being so close with Ross.

"Good."

Despite this first bump in the road, their evening was nice, as far as most third dates go. The duck was indeed very much worth the wait, as well as the expensive wine he'd picked out and the dessert he'd convinced her to order. The lingering looks, sweet little compliments and the occasional touches didn't hurt either.

At the end of the delicious meal, they stood outside the restaurant and faced each other in silence for a few seconds. They had kissed once before, at the end of their second date, but that evening had been cut short when the babysitter called saying Emma had a fever. Tonight, on the other hand, Lisa had already texted her saying the little girl was down for the night, so this could actually go somewhere, and that realization was starting to make Rachel nervous.

Without breaking eye contact, Julien slowly snaked an arm around Rachel's waist and pulled her close. Her pulse quickened and she closed her eyes right before his lips impacted on hers. It started slow and she kept her hands steady on his shoulders. When he deepened the kiss, she used the leverage to gently pull away.

Sure, this was Paris, supposedly the most romantic city in the word. But she still didn't want to be caught making out in the middle of the street. She looked around and noticed nobody was paying attention to them though. When her eyes returned to Julien, she noticed he was smiling at her reaction.

"How about we head over to my place?" He suggested. "I have the perfect port in my cellar to cap off our evening."

Rachel pondered for a second. She knew exactly what he wanted after all, and it had nothing to do with showing off his wine collection. But after this kiss she couldn't think of a single good reason to say no to him. After all, she was single, he was attractive, and even if she didn't exactly foresee a future with him (yet?), well, she still had needs.

"Yeah, that sounds great."


Monica and Chandler's house was full – of guests, balloons, food, you name it. Rachel chuckled at first glance, but as she tried to find her friends among sea of faces, some which she recognized, others not, she couldn't help but feel some of her amusement become downright annoyance. Who the hell were all these people?

"Rachel!" Monica yelled from across the room.

Rachel waved back and handed her and Emma's jackets to the waiter who'd opened the door for them.

"Thanks."

"You're here!" Monica said finally reaching them and welcoming them in a big hug. "Hi Emma!"

Emma recoiled in her mother's arms, taken aback just like her by the many unknown faces around.

"Say hi to your Aunt Monica, sweetie."

"Hi." She whispered quietly.

Rachel stroked her hair and looked back up at her friend.

"She's still in Paris time, poor thing. When we got to my mom's from the airport last night she actually surprised us with a small little family gathering since we haven't seen so many of them for so long. So, we went to bed pretty late – even later for us when we're used to being six hours ahead."

"That's OK, honey. I should warn you the twins are not at their best behavior today either. Too many people, I guess. I may have gone overboard with this party, I even got some of the staff from the restaurant to come in and help."

Rachel chuckled.

"I noticed. Sounds about right though."

"OK now, come here, let's go and take some pictures with the little ones."

She led Rachel to the area where they'd set up a beautiful table with two birthday cakes, snacks and a whole Muppets theme. Chandler was holding both kids on his arms while being photographed by his mother and Rachel first thought was how different they both looked in person compared to the static photos she got almost daily from her friend.

"Hey guys. Happy birthday!"

Chandler looked at Rachel and smiled.

"Hey Rach, hi Emma."

"Nora, would you mind taking a few more?" Monica asked. "You remember Rachel, right? And that's our niece Emma."

"Of course, hi Rachel."

Rachel couldn't help but giddy up a little, as Nora Bing still was one of her favorite authors. Her latest bestseller had even kept her entertained on the flight over – and she knew who she was!

"Hi Nora."

"So, you had a baby with Ross?"

"Yes. Yes, I did."

She wondered what the smirk in her face meant, but she didn't elaborate. Instead, she said simply:

"She's gorgeous."

"Thank you."

Rachel took her place beside Monica and Chandler, and they posed for countless pictures with the children. At one point they attempted to swap them so Monica could hold Emma and Rachel one of the twins, but all kids adamantly refused to cooperate. And though Rachel came up with excuses for Emma, and Monica and Chandler for Jack and Erica, the truth they all knew was that they were all semi-strangers to each other's kids now. And that really hurt.

After they'd run out of poses and her smile was beginning to wear out, Rachel decided it was time to move on and let her friends socialize with their other guests.

"OK, I'm gonna let you guys go. Is anybody else here? Is Ross here yet?"

"He's out in the garden." Chandler said.

"Yeah, and Rach… He's uh, he's not alone."

"I know, honey, we've talked about this." Rachel reassured her friend.

"OK, but Rachel…" Monica trailed off. "Be nice."

Rachel held in a scoff because wow. That was so unfair.

Why did some people still fixate on the worst of their history, the things that had happened so many years ago?

Yeah, so she may have been unfriendly to girls Ross dated in the past, she may have even compromised some of those relationships for him. But one, she had not done it to intentionally to hurt anybody involved. And second, how many nice things had she done for him since that people simply forgot all about?

How about her conversation with Mona, doesn't that count for something? Chasing down the pizza girl to talk Ross up and get him her phone number?

Their history wasn't all Julies, Bonnies and Emilies. Why couldn't some people see that?

But this was not the time and place. So, Rachel collected herself and forced a smile.

"Sure, Monica. I'll be nice." She put Emma down and they walked hand in hand out to the garden. "Come on, mon ange."

She saw the back of his head first, which she could recognize anywhere, and then noticed the woman right beside him. They weren't holding hands or anything, but just the way she was standing next to him gave off some intimacy vibes that made Rachel's insides churn with dread. She braced herself and forced yet another smile.

"Hi guys."

Ross turned around quickly and Rachel no longer had to fake her high spirits when she saw the genuine look in his eyes. It was warm, loving and welcoming. So, they were farther away from each other than ever before now, but in no way were they growing apart. She smiled widely back.

"Hey Rach." Then his eyes lowered to find Emma, who finally perked up upon seeing her father. "Hi Emma!"

"Daddy!"

Ross knelt down to hug her tightly and they shared a heartwarming moment that was just theirs. Rachel admired them for a few seconds, until her gaze finally wandered up to the other woman, who was also watching the father-daughter moment. She had long dark hair and blue eyes, not unlike the saleswoman who'd come on to him at the baby store some years back. Ross told her they'd met at the university and judging by her posture she was no student. She seemed to be exactly the type of woman who had the power to intimate Rachel when it came to Ross: not just physically beautiful, but also intelligent like him.

She looked up and met Rachel's gaze, which she didn't divert. Instead, she smiled and extended a hand.

"Hi, I'm Rachel. It's nice to meet you."

Maybe the girl wasn't expecting that much friendliness from Rachel because she looked surprised for a second before smiling back and extending her own hand to shake Rachel's.

"Dana. It's nice to meet you too."

Ross stood up with Emma on his arms and watched the two women before him. Rachel almost laughed at how nervous he looked, no matter how much he tried to conceal it.

"Rach."

"Hey you."

They hugged.

He cleared his throat and looked back at their daughter.

"Emma, this is Dana, daddy's, hm, daddy's friend."

Ouch, Rachel thought to herself. But Dana didn't so much as flinch. Instead, she smiled at the little girl in a friendly manner.

"Hi." Emma said politely.

"Hi Emma. It's really nice to meet you. Your father talks about you all the time. He says you can even speak French!"

"I'm supposed to speak English here." Emma stated matter of factly and Rachel felt proud of how perfectly she spoke.

"Is that a British accent I'm hearing?" Ross asked Rachel with furrowed brows.

"Yeah, I guess it's rubbing on her since she's been spending so much time with Kingston."

"Who's Kingston?"

"My boyfriend!" Emma answered gleefully, much to Ross' surprise.

"I'm sorry, boyfriend?"

He threw an inquisitive look at Rachel. Funny how their daughter could so openly call Kingston her boyfriend, but daddy couldn't quite characterize Dana that clearly just yet. Of course, Julien was also mommy's friend to Emma, but Rachel chose to ignore that for now.

In response, Emma giggled and bounced excitedly on her father's arms.

"Relax Ross. It's Lisa's son, he's four years old. They hold hands and share snacks. It's cute!"

"Cute, huh?"

"So, she likes a brit." Rachel shrugged it off. "Call it another thing you two have in common." She joked only half-heartedly – somehow talking about Emily was still a bit painful.

Ross looked at her and nodded his head slowly, as if debating with himself whether to go there or not. Ultimately, he chose to let it go.

"Touché." He said instead and turned his attention back to their daughter.

It was then that Rachel noticed Dana's blank expression, completely oblivious to what this whole interaction was about. Well, it wasn't her job to make her feel at ease, so she also let it go. Ross could explain it all to her later if he wanted to, but the thought of it made Rachel uncomfortable somehow. She didn't like the idea of little details of their history being shared like that to "strangers".

"Well, I'm gonna go see if Monica needs help with anything." She said, looking for an excuse to leave them alone. "Emma, be good to your father, OK?"

The little girl was squishing his face in between her small hands while he made funny faces at her. Rachel smiled, always so touched by how little time they needed to feel perfectly at ease with each other. Emma giggled loudly.

"We'll be fine, Rach." He assured her.

But before she could leave, they were joined by Carol and Susan.

"Rachel?" Carol asked in disbelief.

Rachel turned around and smiled widely seeing them. She got to see Ben last year when she came over for Thanksgiving, but had missed the pair. She'd always had a nice relationship with both, and sometimes got the feeling they still rooted for her and Ross to end up together.

"Oh my God, hey. It's been so long." She hugged them both. "How have you been? Where's Ben?"

She could swear she spotted a smile on Ross' face from the corner of her eye. Of course, Rachel always asked about Ben, she genuinely cared about him.

"Monica's captured him and is taking a thousand photos of him with his cousins." Susan explained.

"Ah, yeah. Emma's photo session lasted about forty-five minutes." Rachel exaggerated and they laughed.

"Wow, Rachel! Look at you!" Susan commented.

"I know, right?" Carol agreed with her wife. "Oh là là! I mean, you've always been gorgeous, but wow!"

"Oh, come on you guys." Rachel smiled but waived it off.

"No, I mean it. Paris is doing you well!"

She saw the look on Dana's face and decided to take the compliment.

"Well, merci."

"And oh my God, is this Emma? She looks so big and beautiful!"

"Yeah, that's our Emma." Rachel beamed, sharing a proud smile with Ross.

Emma was now beginning to look shy with so many strangers suddenly turning their attention to her, so she decided to focus instead on a button on her father's shirt, contouring it with her tiny index finger carefully.

"Bonjour, Emma. Je m'appelle Carol." Carol tried in a friendly tone, which got Emma's attention. She smiled back and spoke back in French. "OK, yeah, that was all I remember for the one semester I took in college. I'm all out." She raised her hands excusing herself.

But Susan stepped in and carried a little conversation with the toddler, being more fluent herself. Emma's excitement grew, much to her father's displeasure.

"Show off" He grumbled. Then Rachel noticed when he looked at Dana and realized she was again just standing there, a bit displaced. "Mm, this is Dana by the way. Dana, this is my ex-wife Carol and that's Susan."

"Nice to meet you." She said politely. "A lot of your exes here today, Dr. Geller." She said in a lower tone to Ross alone, but of course Rachel's ear also caught it. She had to fight hard not to roll her eyes. Dr. Geller? What a kiss ass.

But the way Dana was smiling, so playful and seemingly unbothered, disturbed Rachel even more. It meant Dana didn't see them – her, specifically – as a threat. To Dana's eyes at least, Ross and Rachel didn't even seem like a real possibility – when usually to everybody who knew them, including every woman Ross had ever been involved with before, they had never not been.

She didn't like it.

With this gut punching realization, she was ready to excuse herself again. But before she could get to it, Susan turned to her again.

"So, tell us, how's Paris going? How long has it been?"

"Mm, it's been exactly one year now. I actually left the day Monica and Chandler brought the babies home." She said with a small smile and exchanged a discrete look with Ross, suddenly remembering it was also the anniversary of their final goodbye. Judging by the look on his face, he was thinking of the same thing.

"And how's everything? Settled in OK?"

"Yeah, it's been great. Work's amazing. The city is beautiful. I now have a few friends, which has really helped."

"And are the French as romantic as people say?" Carol teased her, raising her eyebrows suggestively. "It would be a waste if you were single in Paris, Rachel!"

Rachel shifted her weight from one foot to the other and bit her bottom lip.

"I'm seeing someone, yeah."

And this time she avoided Ross' eyes right away because she hadn't exactly disclosed that information so openly to him yet.

"Uh, is he here?"

"Oh, no, it's uh, it's still kind of new. Maybe next time. Anyway, I need to use the bathroom, if you'll excuse me."

She nodded politely but left quickly, before giving them a chance to pull her in again.

In the bathroom upstairs, where she figured she would have more privacy, she locked herself in and took a few deep breaths. Why was this even harder than when she came back for Thanksgiving? Things were supposed to be getting better, were they not? Had she been misled by the notion that time heals everything?

A few minutes went by until she realized she's been in there for too long and should probably reappear at the party before things got weird. She fixed her make up carefully and held her head high. On the stairs, on the final step down, however, her eyes found Jack and Judy in one of the corners of the living room and Rachel was hit by another hard reality.

He looked so much more fragile than she remembered him. And that look in her eyes.

"Rachel!"

The excited cry startled Rachel, who clutched her chest and then gasped audibly when she finally noticed Phoebe approaching her. She was wearing a long floral dress that accentuated her growing bump.

"Oh honey." Rachel smiled. "Oh, honey, look at you!"

Phoebe smiled looked down.

"I know, look at me!"

"May I?" Rachel asked uncertainly, which made her friend give her a puzzled look. Rachel gestured towards her belly and Phoebe finally understood, catching both of her hands and placing them on the right spot. "Can you feel that?"

Rachel chuckled emotionally the moment she felt the movement inside. God, what a rollercoaster of emotions this day was.

"Yes. Yes, I felt that." She looked back up at her friend. "Oh, Phoebs. You look so great. I'm so happy for you."

In reality, Phoebe looked bloated and tired, but so tremendously happy. And that's exactly what Rachel was referring to, what actually mattered. Unlike her, who was apparently looking flawless on the outside but feeling quite sorrowful deep inside.

"Thanks, Rachel. How about you? Where's Emma?"

"She's outside with Ross."

"And how are you doing?"

"I'm OK. It's just…" She looked at her friend for a few seconds, knowing she couldn't lie to her. "It's really weird being back. And it seems like it doesn't get any easier."

Phoebe nodded slowly.

"Things are changing, huh?"

"Yeah. And as much as I know it, it's another thing to actually be here and see it for myself."

Rachel wiped the corner of her eye as discretely as she could. God, this was so stupid. Why didn't she want to look vulnerable in front of her friend, who'd seen her cry so many times before?

"Are you happy, Rachel?"

Rachel was a bit taken aback by Phoebe's question, so it took her a few seconds to regain her footing.

"I'm happy enough."

Phoebe furrowed her brows.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm OK, Phoebs. It means it's overwhelming, but I've got a lot going for me, even if some of the choices I've made along the way still plague me sometimes."

Phoebe nodded slowly.

"You know, it hasn't been that easy for us here either. With you gone, Monica and Chandler out here, Joey in L.A… Even coming here feels strange. I mean, having to knock on Monica's door, what the hell?"

Rachel smiled weakly at her friend's little attempt to lighten up the conversation.

"Yeah, it's really weird."

A couple bumped into them while making their way around the room and excused themselves. This place definitely not the ideal setting for a conversation like this.

"Hey, what do you say you and I go for a cup of coffee at Central Perk someday?" Phoebe asked, having obviously come to the same conclusion. "How long are you here for?"

"Until Wednesday and yeah, that would be really wonderful, Phoebs."


Two days later, Rachel sat on the big orange couch for the first time in a whole year, sipping her favorite coffee and listening to her friend's crazy stories. Evander Holifield had given way to Shaquille O'Neal this time around, and Rachel giggled endlessly hearing all about it.

"God, I've missed this." She sighed and looked around. "I really miss this place."

"Yeah, me too." Phoebe said with a sudden hint of sadness in her voice.

"What do you mean? You don't come here anymore?"

"Well, these days it's just Ross and me around here, and he's been busy with everything that's been going on… It's just not the same, I guess. So, Mike and I have been spending more time at home and with his buddies. And now with the baby coming…"

Rachel smiled sadly.

"Gotcha."

Phoebe watched her for a few seconds and then said the saddest thing Rachel heard in a trip filled with sad, hard truths:

"I know you must miss New York. But I hope you know that that New York doesn't exist anymore, Rachel."

Oh, the tightness in her chest.

"That much is clear, yeah."

She was sipping her coffee in silence when her phone rang. It was Ross, saying Emma was in a mood, crying and asking for her. She'd dropped the little girl over this morning and the plan was for her to spend all day alone with her father, maybe even overnight if things went well.

"I thought it was going to die down, but it's been over an hour, and it doesn't seem like it's going to stop." He explained. "I'm sorry, but can you come over?"

He was trying to sound cool about it, but Rachel could hear the pain in his voice.

She sighed, feeling guilty for putting them into this situation. Emma could so easily spend nights at Lisa's or even with a strange babysitter in their home. But of course, she was now out of her comfort zone and that changed everything. Even her undeniable love for her father couldn't alleviate this separation anxiety that seemed to have hit her with full force since their arrival in New York.

"I'm sorry, Ross. I'll be right there."


I have to say, I really loved how triggered everybody was in their reviews for the last chapter, lol. I'm sorry, I just love the drama and all the longing – and I just gave you a whole story in which they were together in every single chapter – so let me play with this a bit more :) And I'm sorry this has taken so long. Life's been busy and this chapter was hard, but this is not forgotten.

As for new story recommendations, I'm surprised I haven't recommended "This is it" by Iobsters yet. It's so amazing – and even better when you read it for the second time. So much to unpack between beautifully written lines.