Chapter Eighteen

"Shit."

Shit, indeed. Not a very good response, but it was the only thing that popped into his head. Daniel felt the dread, anger, and disappointment spread throughout his body. Disappointed and angry at himself for even saying those words. He had been the moment he said them in Sam's lab and every moment he remembered it afterwards. Sam had been so furious with him, she didn't speak to him for a week – with good reason. His one saving grace over the situation was that he hadn't blurted it out in front of or at Vala.

So much for that.

She was never meant to hear that, especially now. Pain flared in his chest as took in her appearance – believing every word he had said in that horrible moment. It intensified when he realized she thought she was just something he was passing the time with. That couldn't be further from the truth. How could she not see that? How could she not realize how much she meant to him? But the main question was, how did he fix this without losing her?

"Vala," he began carefully, but he didn't get a chance to continue.

"Don't," she ordered and yet pleaded at the same time. "I may have not gotten a straight answer, but your reaction tells me all I need to know."

"Hey, that's not fai –"

"It was stupid on my part," she cut him off.

She wasn't interested in anything he had to say and defend himself, and it was frustrating. If only she would allow him to explain. "Vala, just lis–"

"I can't do this, Daniel," her words made him snap his mouth shut. That didn't sound good. "I thought I could. I held on to this foolish hope that you would change your mind. I should've known you wouldn't – even when you kissed me that night. It was unfair to you, just like my questions, but…I couldn't help it – I just needed to know for certain."

She rose from her chair, and he quickly did the same, but stayed in place to watch her as she headed to their bedroom. Every part of him wanted to follow, but his body wouldn't cooperate. He couldn't seem to form words. Everything he wanted to say he had a feeling she wouldn't believe him and think it was just him trying to placate her – he worried it would only drive her further away. But he could fix this. He had too.

When she walked out of their room with a bag all nicely packed, he realized this was something she had been struggling with for some time, and he felt horrible that he hadn't seen it. Panic bubbled up in him and he finally found his voice again. "Vala, don't do this," he begged and moved to intercept her.

Vala dodged the hand he tried to place on her face. "No, you don't do this to me!" her eyes became shiny. "It's too hard, Daniel – it's too painful. I can't stay knowing that you don't love me the way I do you."

"Just listen to me!" he finally got out.

"So, you can come up with something to make me say? Some excuse?" she questioned, and her grip tightened on the bag. "I've already spent too much time coveting the love of others who would never love me back – my father, my daughter…and now you. I can't do it anymore – I won't."

"Vala…" his words died off. He wasn't sure what to say.

His eyes watched as she sighed and dropped the bag. He felt a smidgen of hope flare up in his chest when she stepped towards him and when she grabbed the back of his head to bring their foreheads together, his hope grew. He exhaled sharply, pulling her impossibly close to him, and closed his eyes. They remained motionless.

"You need to let me go," she whispered to him in a pained voice.

Daniel squeezed her tighter. "I can't."

Vala took a shaky breath. "You need to," she told him matter-of-factly.

"Stay," he begged.

She sniffed loudly and pressed a small kiss to his lips, but pulled away before he could react. "I love you, Daniel Jackson, but I can't. I need to do this."

He opened his eyes and his heart clenched at her tear-stained face. He swallowed the words he wanted nothing more than to say but knew she would never believe him. There were no words that could. He had relied on words and languages for so long and now they were failing him. So, if he couldn't use them, there was the next best thing – actions. They did speak louder than words, after all.

Daniel kissed her. It probably wasn't the right thing to do, but he needed to express what he felt for her somehow. Vala kissed him back like it would be the last time they would ever see each other.

It ended far too early for him, but he didn't push her further.

"I'll be with Gai'la," she told him before grabbing her bag and bolting.

And then he was alone.

o0o

Daniel didn't know how long he sat there alone, but it had been dark for a while when he finally forced himself to move to their, his, room to sleep – not that sleep actually came, but he did get a few winks in here and there.

He had spent most of the night going over their relationship from the moment they met, trying to pinpoint the moment when she became something more to him. It was harder than he expected, but when he analyzed every single moment he could remember, he realized that it happened in the simplest and smallest ways. Random little things broke through his mental walls, and he hadn't even noticed. It really had begun with their first kiss on Prometheus, but it was so incremental, he hadn't noticed. It started to catch his attention after she had destroyed the Ori's first beachhead. He hadn't collapsed merely due to the bracelets, and he could now admit it.

Things had spun out of control from there on for him in regard to Vala. There were things and instances he used to keep himself as far away as he could, but they still took out pieces of his wall until it crumbled completely and left him completely exposed. Being vulnerable like that caused him to do some pretty stupid things – mainly saying horrible things in hopes that he could rebuild it, but it hadn't worked. The only purpose it served was him ruining any chance he had with Vala…and things were amazing until now.

He couldn't fault her for not believing him. After his long night of reflection, he came to the knowledge that he never once told her he loved her. Granted, those words had become hard for him to say to a woman, but how could he not have? He certainly had shown it – that he knew for a fact – so how had she not seen that he was at least attempting to tell her? He realized he had no right to be mad, this was primarily his fault, but surely him making the first move would have given her an inkling that he cared more than just a casual fling.

He'd been falling for her for some time now and it all came to a boil at the festival. Every time he looked at her that night, seeing her happy and carefree face, he felt his heart skip a beat, and his guard go down. When she danced with every other guy and not him, he got jealous and changed that. When she told him she was leaving him, he couldn't handle it and did whatever he could to keep her – he broke down his walls to let her in. They became a thing from that moment, and he thought it was leading to only one place.

That is, until he screwed up big time.

How am I going to fix this?

Daniel didn't get the chance to answer his own question. A knock sounded at the door, and his heart sped up in hopes that it was Vala. He quickly bolted to the door only to find himself disappointed when it opened.

"Daniel!" Emrin exclaimed. "Good to see you, my dear," she said in her grandmotherly way.

He forced a smile. "How are you, Emrin?" he politely inquired and squelched the urge to shut the door and resume his brooding.

"Old," she quipped in a deadpan tone. "But you don't want to hear about that. I'm looking for Vala. Is she here?"

Daniel barely stopped himself from flinching. "No, uh…she's not," he struggled to get out. He wasn't entirely sure what to say.

Emrin waved a hand. "No matter," she said, unaffected by the news. "I only came to give her these," she held out paper packets containing what felt like a fine powder.

He took them from her and frowned at them. "What are they?"

"They're for the sykdom," she didn't seem bothered by his lack of understanding. "I talked with Vala about it. She knows what to do with it."

Daniel's frown deepened. "The what?"

Emrin chuckled. "I suspect they call it something different where you're from."

He glanced down at the packets and suspected they were for medicinal use. "What exactly are they for?"

He hadn't been expecting her answer.

o0o

Author's Note: If you've read the one-shot, you know what's coming...