For the remainder of the evening, Severus didn't resume their Occlumency lessons. Instead, he immersed himself in grading essays, his attention absorbed by the task at hand. Meanwhile, Hermione attempted to distract herself by reading a book, but her mind kept wandering, making it challenging to concentrate on the words before her.
Hermione released a frustrated sigh, realizing she hadn't absorbed a single word of the text before her. With reluctance, she returned to the beginning of the page, her grip on the book tightening as she tried to force herself to focus.
"Is there something the matter?" Severus asked as he looked up from the essay he was currently grading.
Hermione lowered her book from her face, revealing a furrowed brow and a distant gaze. "No, I'm fine," she muttered softly, her voice lacking conviction, before hastily raising the book again.
"What are you reading about?" Severus inquired, his tone gentle yet probing, as he set aside the parchment he had been grading.
Hermione frowned, realizing she didn't know what the book was about. She set the book back down on the table and sighed softly. "I think I'm just tired," she admitted, her voice carrying a hint of weariness. "I'm going to head to bed."
Hermione rose from the couch, bidding Severus a quiet goodnight. Once inside the bedroom, she followed her nightly ritual with a sense of automaticity: brushing her teeth, washing her face, and changing into something more comfortable to sleep in that wasn't her uniform. With practiced movements, she pulled back the covers of the bed and slid under the sheets, the soft fabric a familiar comfort against her skin. As she settled into bed, she stared up at the ceiling, her mind swirling with thoughts and emotions. She knew deep down that she wasn't fatigued; rather, she was at a loss for what to say or do next.
Hermione couldn't shake the thoughts swirling in her mind regarding what Severus had revealed about their ring. Lying in bed, she found her gaze drawn irresistibly to the metallic band nestled on her wedding finger. The delicate carving of the phoenix still stood out, a symbol of their union. As she focused on the ring, she felt a sudden warmth emanating from it, spreading through her finger, and enveloping her hand in a comforting embrace. The sensation was strange and reassuring, a tangible reminder of their shared connection.
As Hermione lay in bed, she couldn't help but yearn for a deeper connection with Severus, wishing he would stop keeping her at arm's length. She longed for conversations that delved into the depths of their thoughts and emotions. There was a curiosity within her, a desire to unravel the complexities of the man she was bound to for life. She knew there was more to Severus than met the eye, beyond the strict facade he often presented as a professor. Their wedding night had revealed glimpses of vulnerability and tenderness, reminding her that beneath his stern exterior, he was capable of love and affection. She hoped for more moments like that, where they could truly open up to each other and forge a deeper bond.
Despite her hopes for a deeper connection, Hermione was not naive. She understood that Severus might never harbor romantic feelings for her. However, she held onto the belief that with time, their relationship could evolve into something more meaningful. Perhaps they could develop a mutual respect and admiration for each other, fostering a bond that transcended mere obligation. Though she didn't expect love to bloom between them, she remained optimistic that their partnership could mature and flourish over time.
As Hermione lay quietly lost in thought, the door creaked open, signaling Severus's arrival. She remained still, feigning sleep, not daring to move or react as he entered the room. The bed dipped beside her as he settled in, but she kept her breathing steady, and her eyes closed. She had always drifted off to sleep on previous nights before he joined her, sparing her the discomfort of witnessing his entrance into their shared bed.
Severus's quiet voice pierced the darkness, breaking the silence between them. "I thought you were tired," he remarked softly. "I know the difference between actual sleep and pretending to be asleep." As Hermione's eyes opened and met his in the dim light, he confessed, "You snore when you sleep."
"So do you," Hermione retorted with a hint of amusement, breaking the tension between them.
"Hermione, I know something is bothering you. Just tell me," Severus urged gently, his voice softened in the darkness of the room.
Hermione stiffened, shocked that he had known something was troubling her. She hadn't said anything otherwise, but he must've sensed it.
Severus reached out a hand and uncharacteristically found hers. He gently gripped it in his. Hermione felt a jolt of warmth at his touch, surprised by the uncharacteristic gesture of comfort. She hesitated for a moment before intertwining her fingers with his, silently acknowledging the connection between them.
With their hands intertwined, Hermione voiced her thoughts aloud, her voice trembling slightly. "I don't want you to be just my professor, Severus."
Severus squeezed her hand in response, his touch grounding her. "I understand that, Hermione. I know what my duties are."
Shaking her head slightly, Hermione continued, "I don't believe you fully understand. You keep me at a distance and won't..." She faltered, unable to articulate her deepest desires.
Severus's expression softened as he studied her face in the dim light of the room. "Won't what?" he prompted gently, encouraging her to voice her concerns.
Hermione averted her gaze, unable to meet his eyes. "You never touch me, and our conversations never extend beyond school matters," she murmured, her voice tinged with disappointment.
Severus sighed softly, his thumb gently rubbing the back of her hand. "I know I haven't been the most affectionate or forthcoming," he admitted quietly. "But it's not because I don't want to."
Hermione lifted her gaze from the bed in surprise. "If you want to, then why don't you?" she asked, her tone tinged with a mix of hope and frustration.
Severus met her gaze, his expression pained. "It's... complicated," he began, searching for the right words. "For so long, my life has been about duty, about survival. Emotions were a luxury I couldn't afford. And now, with this... arrangement, it's difficult to break those walls down."
Severus withdrew his hand from hers, his expression troubled. "I also find it hard to get past the fact that you are still in my class," he admitted, his voice low and conflicted. His words hung heavy in the air, his concern evident in his tone. "I know you are of age, and I know we have already crossed inappropriate boundaries a long time ago, but I don't want to do something that you aren't ready for," he confessed earnestly, his gaze searching hers for understanding.
Hermione's voice held a note of determination as she sought his hand again, refusing to let him push her away. "Severus," she began, her grip firm yet gentle, "we are married. Yes, you are my professor, but I don't want to be stuck in this room without at least trying to be more than that."
Severus reluctantly allowed her to pull him closer, closing the gap between them until they were only a few inches apart. With a soft touch, he brushed her hair back from her face. "What do you want to know, then?" he asked, his voice low and vulnerable.
"What was Hogwarts like when you attended?" Hermione asked, seizing the opportunity to learn more about his past experiences.
Severus grumbled in annoyance at the question but eventually relented, starting to recount his experiences. "I was initially excited to attend Hogwarts. My father despised magic, and home was a place I detested. Like you, I was eager to learn all that I could."
Severus continued, his gaze distant as he delved into his memories. "On my first day, I was sorted into Slytherin. Back then, I didn't fully comprehend the implications. I welcomed the idea of being among like-minded individuals. Looking back, it was a mistake," he admitted, his expression tinged with regret. Reluctantly, he delved further into his past for her sake.
"I grew angrier as I grew older," Severus confessed, his voice carrying the weight of his past. "My father was a drunkard who frequently abused my mother. Despite her magical abilities, she never retaliated. School didn't offer much solace either." His words carried a mixture of pain and resentment as he recounted his troubled upbringing.
"My classmates feared me," Severus continued, his voice tinged with bitterness. "I immersed myself in dark magic, delving deeper as I created my own spells. Books and magic were my only solace amidst the turmoil at home. Despite my father's disdain, I refused to relinquish my pursuit of magic." His words revealed the extent of his struggles and his unwavering determination to follow his path despite the obstacles.
Severus's voice softened to a whisper as he confessed, "I may have found solace in learning magic, but it wasn't the sanctuary I had hoped for." His words carried the weight of past disappointments and shattered illusions, revealing the deep-seated complexities of his experience at Hogwarts.
Hermione's heart ached as she witnessed the pain etched on Severus's face. She regretted delving into his past, realizing that hearing it firsthand had brought the harsh reality of his experiences to the forefront. She wished she could erase the haunting memories that lingered in his eyes.
Feeling a surge of compassion, Hermione acted on instinct and wrapped her arms around Severus, offering him the comfort of her embrace. Initially tense, he gradually relaxed into her hug, silently acknowledging the solace it brought him.
As she withdrew from the embrace, Hermione gazed at Severus with a gentle smile, her eyes reflecting sincere empathy. "I'm sorry you had to endure all of that," she expressed softly, her voice carrying genuine compassion.
Severus didn't respond immediately. He settled back against the pillow, his gaze fixed on Hermione's caramel-colored eyes. After a moment of quiet contemplation, he finally spoke. "Is there anything else you want to ask me tonight?" he inquired, his tone a mixture of curiosity and guardedness.
Hermione hesitated, knowing it might not be the most appropriate question to ask, but her curiosity got the better of her. "Would you ever consider taking on the role of Headmaster again?" she inquired cautiously.
Severus's expression darkened at the question, a shadow crossing his features as he contemplated her words. "It's not a role I particularly enjoyed," he admitted, his voice tinged with a hint of bitterness. "But if circumstances demanded it, I wouldn't refuse."
Severus paused, contemplating whether to reveal more of his inner struggles to Hermione. He recognized that she was his wife and would likely listen without judgment. "That period of my life was incredibly dark," he began slowly. "I loathed every moment of it. Each morning when I looked in the mirror, I didn't recognize the person staring back at me. I saw a monster instead. And it seemed everyone else saw me the same way, so I figured I might as well embrace the role."
Hermione listened intently, her heart aching for the pain he had endured. She reached out and gently placed her hand on his, offering silent support. "You're not a monster, Severus," she said softly, her voice filled with sincerity. "You've shown immense courage and strength, even in the darkest of times."
"I think that's enough sharing for the night," Severus murmured softly, feeling the familiar walls he had erected around himself closing in again.
Hermione nodded understandingly, respecting his boundaries. "Of course," she replied softly, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze before settling back against her pillow. "Thank you for trusting me. I promise that these conversations will remain between the two of us," she pledged earnestly.
Severus acknowledged her words with a slight nod of his head. Wandlessly, he extinguished the lights in the room and moved back to his side of the bed. "Goodnight, Hermione," he murmured softly before settling in, his thoughts still lingering on their conversation.
With a contented smile, Hermione settled back into her side of the bed. "Goodnight, Severus," she whispered, her heart feeling a little lighter than before.