In which canon scenes get disrupted by straight talking.

I have had some of these scenes floating in my head or laptop for ages but I was finally inspired to edit and post, due to the JAFF Trope inversion bingo challenge. The relevant prompt is, "The main couple has a misunderstanding that could easily be resolved by talking about it. They talk about it."

Mind you, I am not promising resolutions, necessarily. But perhaps someone will speak their mind.

I have a few more chapters drafted. Not a connected, continuous story, just drabbles and oneshots that diverge from the canon at various points in time when things were left unsaid.

PRIDE AND PLAINSPEAKING

Chapter 1

WHEN IN DOUBT, GROVEL

"Come, Darcy," said he, "I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance."

"I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this, it would be insupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with."

"I would not be so fastidious as you are," cried Bingley, "for a kingdom! Upon my honour, I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life as I have this evening; and there are several of them, you see, uncommonly pretty."

"You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room," said Mr. Darcy, looking at the eldest Miss Bennet.

"Oh, she is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you."

"Which do you mean?" and turning round, he looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till, catching her eye, he withdrew his own, and coldly said,

"She is tolerable: but not handsome enough to tempt me; and I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men. You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me."

He had uttered his words without much thought, but it only took a moment or two for the first regrets to set in, as it was soon very clear that she had overheard him.

Elizabeth Bennet looked him in the eye and laughed.

"Did he just say what I thought he said?" Charlotte asked.

"Yes, I think he did," Elizabeth said.

"Not handsome enough!" Mrs. Bennet had also heard, and she was incensed on Elizabeth's behalf. She was her mother, she might scold and complain about her daughter but woe betide anyone disparaging any of her girls in her hearing. "Why, he must be half blind or fancy himself a prince. Who does he think he is? He cannot behave like a human being but he supposes himself such an excellent object that everyone should be trying to tempt him."

"You have to excuse him for his northern manners," Elizabeth remarked airily. "In the wilds of the rude, wide frontiers, men grow up a little differently. They have to fear so many scary things all the time. It is very fatiguing to constantly beware of bloodthirsty bears, hordes of vicious Viking raiders, and of dangerous women who sit down at balls."

"It must be my secret weapon," Charlotte said. "I have become a deadly force for sitting out so many dances. There are at least twice as many ladies as gentlemen here."

"Every savage can dance but not everyone can count," Elizabeth said. "We cannot all be good at mathematics, so you should not hold that particular deficiency against him."

"Should he ever ask you to dance, I forbid it," Mrs. Bennet said. "Or your sisters. None of you are ever to dance with him, or his friends, is that understood?"

"I think I can safely promise you that," Elizabeth said. "But Jane is already dancing with Mr. Bingley."

"Oh, and your father visited him," Mrs. Bennet lamented. "I suppose we can hardly escape the acquaintance now."

"Yes but if they are so high and mighty that they cannot be civil to their new neighbours for even one night we need not bother them with dinner invitations any time soon," Lady Lucas said.

"Mr. Bingley seems very friendly," Charlotte said.

"He has the air of someone who flirts with the prettiest girl in every hamlet and village he goes to," Mrs. Bennet said. "Now he has latched on to poor Jane. I wonder if Jane knows how to discourage him."

"He has five thousand per annum," Lady Lucas said.

"With the company he keeps, he needs at least fifteen to be worth the trouble," Mrs. Bennet said. "Imagine seeing those sour faces at meals every day - it would put me quite off my food."

"I think Miss Bingley would rather not risk dining with the natives in any case," Elizabeth said. "She does not look pleased with anything she sees."

"But Mr. Hurst looks pleased with the punch," Charlotte said.

"A bit too pleased, I would say," Mrs. Bennet said. "If they stay until the end they are going to have to carry him home."

"I wonder if he is a sleepy drunk or an angry drunk," Lady Lucas said.

"I dare say we will find out before this night is over," Charlotte said.

"With those habits, he must be quite an expensive dinner guest, eating and drinking for three people, at least," Mrs. Bennet said. "We are going to save a fortune for not befriending them."

"The poor man must be suffering from too much fresh air," Charlotte said. "I heard his wife saying these rustic backwaters are too far from town and that there is nobody worth their notice here."

"Then I have high hopes that they will decide to leave Netherfield behind soon enough," Elizabeth said. "I would prefer more friendly neighbours."

"I thought they are from Scarborough," Lady Lucas said. "And they think Hertfordshire is far from town?"

"Thirty miles of good road would be nothing if they could afford a good carriage," Mrs. Bennet said.

"Maybe they are not as rich as they want us to think," Lady Lucas said.

"Certainly not rich enough to carry themselves with that level of superciliousness," Mrs. Bennet said.

"Mr. Bingley's father sold furniture but Miss Bingley would have you believe they descend from royal dukes," Lady Lucas said.

"Her dress is very fine," Charlotte said, "but green or blue would suit her better."

"Is Mary's gown new?" Lady Lucas asked. "She looks very well."

Mr. Darcy had heard most of this conversation, and his feelings alternated from embarrassment to anger, from reluctant amusement to deep mortification, from shame to panic. He realized that his careless comment would not be easily forgiven or forgotten. All he wanted was to avoid undue attention, but one unwise remark later he was well on his way of becoming a laughing stock, and his friends were getting tarred by association. Darcy had taken it as a given that he was justified in looking down on the locals but it turned out they had some valid reasons to despise his own party. Granted, the comments he had heard were only first impressions shaped by indignation – but he could see the justification. Hurst had seemed to be under the influence all day, long before they left for the ball, and it was true that Bingley's sisters looked very sour and disapproving and held themselves above everybody. And Bingley - well. If he appeared to be a hopeless flirt, it was probably because he was a hopeless flirt. But he was so friendly that he was usually universally liked everywhere he went, but here in his new neighbourhood he was in grave danger of becoming an immediate social pariah because of Darcy's temper.

Darcy knew he needed to fix things as soon as he could manage it but he was not sure how.

His father had told him his secret to happy marriage: When in doubt, grovel. Maybe it would work at parties too. He thought some humbleness and apologising probably would be a good start, so he begged Sir William Lucas for an introduction to the ladies and got straight to it.

"I am very sorry for what I said, Miss Elizabeth," he said. "I am very rarely tempted to dance with strangers as I have not the talent of recommending myself to them."

"Yes, I think we got some notion of your deficiencies in this arena," Elizabeth said.

"You could have been Afrodite herself and I would have had the same reaction," he said. "But it was very ungentlemanly of me to say it out loud so anyone could hear."

"Ah, never mind, sir," Elizabeth said kindly. "How could you have known that it might hurt? How could you possibly have thought that there was anything wrong with insulting a country nobody in a country ballroom filled with other country nobodies? Even if it was a complete stranger who never did anything to injure you."

"Touché, madam," he said. "My mother would be ashamed of me if she could see me now. What a thoughtless boor I was, and what a disgraceful introduction to the neighbourhood I have had."

"Pray, do not beat yourself up for too long," Elizabeth said. "It is best to start as you mean to go on. It is very likely that everyone here is poorer than you so why would it even matter what we think of your manners?"

"Suddenly I find that it does matter what you think."

"How inconvenient," Charlotte said.

"Nobody likes to be seen as a thoughtless, boorish snob."

"I dare say you are right," Elizabeth said. "Have you ever considered not acting like a thoughtless, boorish snob?"

"Perhaps I could try that some day," Darcy said. "Every little bit helps."

"But even if your behaviour is not very tolerable, at least you are handsome," Elizabeth said. "I hope it will be some small comfort to you."

"Thank you, I will try to take it that way." Darcy fell silent. "Please tell me how I can make amends?"

"Amends?"

"Penance, reparation. How can I atone for my sins and earn my redemption?"

"Why?"

"Several reasons," he said. "First, my honour demands that I try to fix the damage I have done. Secondly, my character could do with some improvement. Thirdly, my friend Bingley really is a good sort of fellow, and I would hate it if the neighbourhood casts any shade on his character because of his friendship with me."

"Well, perhaps he could bring other friends that we could judge him by."

"Fourthly," he said, addressing Mrs. Bennet, "I really do wish to dance with Miss Elizabeth, and in the interest of correcting my huge mistake I would like to find out how I can get unbanned as a dancing partner."

"Oh my, this is a shocking turn," Mrs. Bennet said.

"Sir, it is quite unnecessary to dance with me," said Elizabeth. "I know how you feel about partnering strangers, and I am not such a wallflower that I need to be subjected to a pity dance."

"It would not be a pity dance, and I cannot think of us as strangers any longer," he said. "After such a beginning of brutal honesty I think we know each other quite well already."

"Yes but it does not follow that we must continue the acquaintance."

"It is my great hope that I can do something to improve your opinion of me."

"I think you should avoid balls, to show yourself to better advantage. There may be strangers, and ladies wishing to dance, you hate both, and it does not suit your complexion. Maybe if I saw you covered with kittens instead?"

"Worth a try," he said. "Not sure where I can get the kittens at such short notice but I will try anything, do anything, accept any punishment so I can be forgiven."

"How should we punish him?" Mrs. Bennet asked.

"Well, he already told us how," Charlotte said.

"Right," Elizabeth said. "Standing up with any woman here would be a punishment for him."

"Quite the torture for a taciturn fellow like me," Darcy said.

"Excellent," Elizabeth said. "Come, sir, I will introduce you to some lovely young ladies, and you must ask them all to dance."