3
Long chapter, but there's a lot to discuss with Sydney.
It took everything in Jamie to stay calm while he was with James. Some way, somehow, he managed to contain the rush of anger, confusion and disbelief swirling inside his head. It was threatening to make him physically ill, but there was no way he could express his real emotions while in the boy's presence. He wanted to call Eddie, but with only the little information James had given him, he wouldn't be able to answer the million and one questions she would have, not to mention all of the questions he had himself.
It was even harder to keep his cool as he spoke to Sydney on the phone, but a pair of hazel eyes nervously stared back at him as he reached his mother at work. At first, Sydney was as surprised and confused to hear from him as he was to be calling her. She nervously began with inane pleasantries, but he swiftly cut her off. After he explained who was with him at the precinct, her shock turned to panic. Jamie guessed it stemmed from both not knowing what her son was up to and that a ten year old secret had come to light. Her first instinct was to race over to pick him up, but they needed to have a serious talk and it was not one he wanted to have in the middle of his very busy workplace. So they agreed to meet at her apartment on the Upper East Side as soon as they could both get there.
Jamie declared a family emergency and clocked out before the end of his tour. He didn't bother to change out of his uniform, not wanting to leave James alone for a second. So he drove him home in the Chevelle and did his best to make conversation with the boy, remembering the things his nephews enjoyed talking about when they were around his age. He steered the conversation away from today's adventures and revelations and asked him about himself, allowing Jamie an opportunity to learn more about James despite the nerves gripping his stomach.
James confirmed he was nine and in the fourth grade. He got good grades in school, loved social studies and science the best and liked to read comics and mysteries. It was no surprise that he loved video games and playing on the computer, but he loved playing basketball as well. He wasn't as tall as some of the other boys in his class but he had a good jump shot and played in a youth league his mom signed him up for.
That was about as much as they got into on the ride uptown. The kid was completely forthcoming, he was not shy at all. He was definitely smart and maybe too willing to run off the reservation, if today was any indication. That was a scary thought for Jamie.
Jamie wasn't surprised by the Park Avenue address he pulled up to. He obviously had not kept up with his ex's doings and career, but her family was well-off, she was ambitious and wanted to make a name for herself in the legal field. He was sure she had done well and this was where she was meant to be. It also could have been where he ended up, but it wasn't the life for him and he was more than okay with that.
Jamie ignored the curious looks from the doorman when he walked in with James and escorted him up the elevator. He sympathized as the boy's pace slowed the closer he got to his home. Same here, James. Same here.
Jamie stood behind him as he knocked on the door to the twenty-second floor apartment and readied himself to face his past.
The front door swung open and Sydney Davenport stood on the other side. She was still impeccably dressed in a dark pencil skirt suit, having just beaten them home from the office. But the expression on her face was that of a frazzled, panicked mother. Her red-rimmed eyes were wide as they landed on her ex-fiance and softened when they went down to the face of their nine year old son. "James!"
"Mom!" he cried and ran into her arms.
Jamie's throat tightened as she clutched him to her and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. When Sydney glanced up at him, her eyes filled with regret before closing them to hide the shame she felt. That confirmed it for him. This was all very real.
"I'm sorry," James cried and squeezed her tighter to prove it.
"I know," she sniffled and pulled away to cradle his face in her hands. "We'll talk about this later, okay?" This was on her, she knew that, but they would still talk about what he had done. She would also try to explain everything in a way that a nine year old would understand, if that were even possible. Right now she needed to have a more serious conversation and prepared herself for what Jamie might throw at her.
"Why don't you go to your room and do your homework. I need to talk to your father for a while," she instructed the boy. She could feel Jamie tense at the title. She also felt strange saying out loud, but that's who he was. There was no hiding it now.
James hesitated and looked back at his dad, wondering if he would see him again.
"Go ahead now," Sydney ordered gently when he didn't move.
"Okay," he nodded before looking back up at Jamie. "Bye."
"Bye, James," was all Jamie could get out. He wanted to say 'see you later' but, honestly, he was afraid Sydney would want to keep him away.
Once Sydney heard the door to James' bedroom close, she turned back to Jamie. She looked him over, dressed in his patrol uniform, except she noted that there were a few more additions to it now including a gold shield. She took a deep breath. Other than the uniform, Jamie looked like the same old Jamie, but more mature. The years had been good to him. "Come in. Thank you for calling and bringing him home."
"Yeah, of course," Jamie said as he stepped inside, making room for her to close the door behind him.
Sydney couldn't look at him now and she hurried off into the spacious living room. She busied herself, bending over to pick up a forgotten action figure. "I'm sure you must have a million questions," she said as she nervously turned the toy in her hands.
The damn finally burst. "You think? What the hell, Sydney?!" Jamie whispered harshly, still very aware that there was a child, his child, in the apartment.
"I know, but…Jamie, I had my reasons," she tried explaining as her eyes became glassy. She knew this day would come eventually, but she hoped and prayed it would be when their son was much older and where she had more control over the situation. Or maybe never, if she could be completely honest with herself.
"And I had a right to know!" he said and stopped himself when he felt the anger boiling over. He needed to take a breath and stepped over to one of the living room windows. Sydney said nothing, allowing him a chance to collect himself.
Jamie ran his hands across his scalp and gripped the back of his neck where the tension had now painfully settled. "When did you know?" he murmured when he could finally speak again.
"When I went to London. Right after we broke off the engagement," Sydney confessed. Imagine her surprise after arriving in London, looking at her assignment as an opportunity to forget their painful breakup and focus on furthering her career. Instead, she discovered she was five weeks pregnant by a man who put his job before her, a job she hated to boot.
Jamie turned to face her, his face full of hurt. "Jesus. Why didn't you tell me? I would have been there for you and for him."
"That was why I didn't," Sydney whispered back. The tears finally fell down her cheeks.
"What the hell does that mean?" Jamie asked. She knew him better than anyone back then. He wouldn't have abandoned her in that condition and he wouldn't have knowingly abandoned his child.
"Think about it, Jamie. You, your family, your upbringing. We weren't meant for each other," she explained.
"Huh?" he grunted, lost by what she meant.
"We broke up. I tell you I'm pregnant with your baby, what would you have done?" she said to prove her point.
It dawned on him just before she said it outloud.
"You would have wanted to get married anyway. Am I right?"
"Sydney," he said while shaking his head.
"Answer the question," she ordered.
"Yes," he admitted. He would have wanted to get married, it would have been the right thing to do by her and their baby.
"We were over," she stated.
"And you could have said no. As much as I would have wanted to make it work, I wouldn't have clubbed you over the head and dragged you off to a church!" Jamie spat back. That wasn't reason enough to keep this from him.
"But you would have made it hard…harder. And you were obsessed with the job," she added. That was her biggest issue with their relationship at the end.
Jamie flashed back to that time. He went on the job excited about where he was going career-wise, about marrying Sydney and then the FBI told him the truth behind his brother's death. It became all he thought about day and night. "Joe was murdered. I was trying to find out who killed him," he confessed sadly. He had neglected her, but it was all he could offer as a reason.
"What?" Sydney frowned in confusion.
"After I came on the job, I found out all these things about Joe and his death. He was murdered by dirty cops. That was what I was consumed with. You can't fault me for wanting to bring the truth to light," Jamie explained.
Sydney's eyes widened. That had also been an issue, they didn't talk at the end, he didn't talk to her and she knew nothing about that. "You never told me about it!"
"How could I? You hated that I was a cop! Then I tell you that, it was going to drive you further away," Jamie argued. He understood that she was scared by the things he would face on the job. That was why he didn't even confide in her about Joe. If he told her, it would scare her even more.
"It already had! And you want me to bring a kid into that world? Then we'd be connected forever despite not being able to be together," she replied.
"We already were connected, the second you got pregnant!" Jamie fired back, doing his best to keep his voice low.
Sydney dropped into a side chair and covered her face with her hands.
Jamie didn't want to fight with her, but he needed her to know how hurt he was. He also had to admit to his part in the demise of their relationship. "I'm sorry for pulling away like I did and for hurting you, but I had a right to know, Syd, to see my child be born and help you raise him. You know that whether we were together or not, I'd do anything for him if I'd known," he said quietly.
She knew that. He may not have convinced her to ever get married just because she was pregnant, but he would have done the right thing by their son. And maybe that was the real reason for not telling him - she didn't want to see him be a great father to their child when he couldn't be a great partner to her. "I think that was what I was afraid of. I'm sorry," she cried softly.
Jamie crossed his arms protectively as the anger lessened.
"I'm so sorry, Jamie," she repeated, wanting him to know she meant it.
Jamie looked away when he felt his emotions give way. Thankfully, his phone vibrated in his pocket and he was momentarily distracted. He pulled it out with a shuddering breath and glanced at the screen. Eddie. She was probably calling to see how long it would be before he got home. Jesus, how was he going to tell her, he thought as he declined the call and placed it back in his pocket. He needed to finish this before he could speak to his wife.
"Were you ever planning to tell either of us?" he asked.
"Eventually," she whispered.
Jamie exhaled and took a seat on the far end of the couch, feeling like his legs were about to give. He leaned forward and rubbed his eyes, willing away the tears he felt were threatening to come.
"When he was older," she continued. "But then he started asking a lot of questions. I think he was becoming more aware of other kids with their dads. He'd ask who you were, where you were, why you weren't around. I didn't know how to explain everything to a then eight year old. I kept it simple, that we weren't meant to be together. But he never stopped asking and I could never give him a better answer."
"It's complicated," Jamie repeated James' words.
"What?" Sydney replied.
"He said that's what you told him," he explained.
"Yes," Sydney nodded.
"You obviously don't remember hanging out with Nicky and the boys at that age, that's usually not enough of an answer. He obviously didn't want to wait."
"He's stubborn," Sydney groaned, knowing well enough where her son got that from.
"It's a Reagan trait," Jamie smiled sadly.
"I don't even understand how he found you," Sydney said and leaned back in her chair as exhaustion set in.
Jamie went over James' admissions to him at the precinct. "He said he saw his birth certificate when you were filling out school forms. He saw my name on it." It surprised him that his name was even on it. Maybe she wasn't lying about planning to let them know eventually. James' name supported that theory as well. But regardless of when she planned to do that, it would always be too late.
"Oh, Jesus," she grumbled.
"And you might want to lock up your office," Jamie warned her, because there was more.
"Why?" she worried.
"He also found an old photo of us. He showed it to me, it's in his backpack."
"Oh, James," she groaned.
"From there, he used Google. You'd be surprised. Kids now know how to use the internet better than half the cops on the force. It's sort of scary," Jamie commented, realizing this was now something he needed to really worry about.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, the traffic outside and the ding from an incoming text on his phone were the only things to be heard.
Jamie didn't know where they went from here, but he wanted to make one thing perfectly clear. "I want to see him again."
Sydney sat up with a look of uncertainty on her face. "I don't think that's a good idea, Jamie. It's going to confuse him," she worried.
Jamie's brows arched up into his forehead. "Like he isn't already? Like it wouldn't make it worse that he knows who I am, that I live in the same city? And then what? If I go away, are you going to let him think I don't want anything to do with him?" he argued. No way, no how. He'd have to talk to Eddie and hope she would understand. They talked about having kids together. He had no idea how she would take him having a child with another woman, but he couldn't walk away knowing he was this boy's father.
"I wouldn't do that," Sydney swore.
"You kind of already have," he said softly.
Jamie's phone buzzed again, but he ignored it again.
"I want to see him again. We can get together again when he's not around and talk about it first, find something that works. I won't turn his life upside down, but if he's willing, I'd like a chance to get to know him and vice versa. We have that right, Syd." He wanted to handle this amicably for James' sake, but if she fought him on it, he would fight back.
Sydney bit her lip and nodded her head. James already opened this can of worms, there was no turning back now. "I'll talk to him first and I'll call you, Jamie. I promise. Give me a few days at least, to see where he is with all of this and we'll figure it out together."
Jamie nodded and stood before making one last request. "Can I have a photo of him?" Jamie didn't exactly know why he asked, maybe because no one was going to believe him when he told them or maybe he was afraid he'd never see James again.
Sydney nodded and went to another room, returning a moment later with a 3x5 school photo. Jamie took the photo and smiled at the little boy's grin. He blinked rapidly when tears clouded his vision.
"Thanks for this," he said as his voice cracked and he made his way to the door.
Thoughts? I have a few more chapters drafted but not sure where I want this to go in the long run yet. Any ideas?