Bonjour, mes amis! I will now attempt to write my own spoof of the Les Mis musical. Like I said, I'm keeping this PG, especially regarding Lovely Ladies and Master of the House.
One last thing: expect lots of references to the Brick and the 2012 movie!
Okay, author's note done! On with the show!
Prologue
*epic orchestral music*
*the Bishop of Digne walks onstage*
Director: What are you doing? You're not supposed to be on yet!
Bishop: But I'm the first character to appear in the book! I get fourteen whole chapters dedicated to me and my good deeds!
Director: This is the musical, not the book. Your part is cut down.
Bishop: Oh. *walks away and music resumes*
Prisoners: Look down, look down, don't look 'em in the eye
Look down, look down, you're here until you die
Javert: Now bring me Prisoner 24601. Your time is up and your parole's begun. You know what that means?
Valjean: Yes, it means I'm free!
Javert: NO! It means you get your yellow ticket of leave.
Valjean: I get a lottery ticket? Awesome!
Javert: No, this is your yellow passport. It tells everyone you're a convict and a dangerous man! Five years for what you did, the rest because you tried to run!
Valjean: All this for a loaf of bread?
Javert: Yes, 24601!
Valjean: My name is Jean Valjean!
Javert: And I'm Javert! Do not forget my name! Do not forget me, 24601!
Valjean: Were you even listening? You called me by my prison number again, even though I just told you my real name!
Javert: I'm dehumanizing you by calling you that. It symbolizes that I don't think of you as a person with worth, but as a criminal.
Valjean: Oh, I guess that makes se—-hey!
The Bishop
Narrator: After being turned away by most, Valjean is pointed to the home of Bishop Charles Myriel.
Bishop: Come in sir, for you are weary
And the night is cold out there.
Though our lives are very humble,
What we have, we have to share.
Narrator: What's that sniffling noise?
Director: The author's crying.
Tales: I'm not crying! I've just got a little fall of rain in my eye. The bishop's singing the tune of Empty Chairs at Empty Tables! I can't take the feels this early into the production!
Valjean:...
Anyway,
When the house was still,
I got up in the night,
Took the silver, took my flight!
Constable: What's all this shouting about stealing silver? You've broken the law! *drags Valjean back to the bishop*
Bishop: No he hasn't, I gave the silver to him as a gift.
Constable: Oh. So sorry about the misunderstanding. *drops Valjean, who lands on the ground with a thump*
Valjean: Oof! Hey, be gentle!
Bishop: Friend, I have bought your soul for God, so change your ways and become a good man. Bye-bye now, I'll see you when you're dying! *waves Valjean out the door*