Chapter 15
Despondent blossom weeds grow out of his body like limbs reaching for mercy.
He lied still in the field.
The stars were few and grainy against the fires shooting off in the city.
The alien light had never once ceased as long as he had stayed here, but Aspenpaw only realized now how much it messed with him.
He had had a much harder grasp at sensing time since he had come here, and he understood now why that was.
It was never truly night here.
The morning was soon to be, and Aspenpaw hadn't gotten a blink of sleep, and he hadn't even really tried, never putting his mind to rest for a moment long enough to drift away.
The thoughts that came were never once reassuring, and each served to congeal every blood vessel in his body.
He had been picking apart weeds between his claws, a scattered web created in his need for friction.
Dawn would come soon, he reminded himself again.
It was the only thing he could focus on, that one guarantee to get him through the rest of the night.
Aspenpaw caught a mouse and a vole before he dared to re-enter the building.
His arrival went unnoticed by the few waking cats on the rooftop, including Aranyer, who was curled beside Roco with wide eyes surveying the sky over the treetops in the distance.
Her eyes guarded the corner where Aspenpaw would typically place his fresh-kill, and so he instead laid them now beside his nest.
He slunk down and rested his body on the crunchy moss, causing an immediate reaction from Deya, the closest cat to him.
She shuffled aimlessly for a moment before popping her head up and slowly winking an eye open.
Aspenpaw felt awful for waking her and nearly tried to abandon his guilt by pretending to be asleep, but before his head could come to fall on his paws, Deya whispered to him, "'er up early,"
"I couldn't sleep, sorry," Now fully adjusted to the shallow light of dawn, Deya opened her other eye and stretched her neck,
"It's fine," She drew out exasperatedly, "My body never knows when it's time to get up. Did you have a night terror or somethin'?"
"What?"
"Why couldn't you sleep?" Aspenpaw didn't take the time to think about his reply,
"I don't know, just really restless, I guess," Deya reluctantly accepted this and turned to Aspenpaw's catches with a glint in her eye,
"Is one o' these for me?" She asked with a smile,
"If you want," Aspenpaw replied courteously, still not really knowing how the politics of prey worked in the commune. Deya thought for a moment,
"Here," She dragged out her paw, momentarily stretching it as she reached for her goal, "How about we share the vole, and we can save the mouse for, uh, what's her name; Ledivier,"
Aspenpaw found it curious that Deya had forgotten the injured cat's name.
He brushed it aside and quickly accepted her offer. He wasn't much hungry, but being alone now would be worse than death.
After he scooched his nest next to her's, Aspenpaw looked around once, as if checking for danger, before settling in beside her.
Deya waited for him to come to rest before she bit into the rodent, a manner that sorely reminded Aspenpaw of the clans, one of the few things that he had seen shared between the two clans.
Aspenpaw took only small bites, as each morsel in his mouth filled his senses with disgust.
He didn't deserve to eat this, "Do you know if we're leaving soon?" Aspenpaw asked, so as to give himself an excuse to let his stomach settle a minute.
He was looking for a different answer than what Aranyer had given him, even if it was a lie,
"She hasn't said anything, but I-" She swallowed the mush in her mouth, "-I heard 'er talkin' with that, that wanderer, and 'e was sayin' that north o' here is super desolate right now,"
"So is that where we're going?" Aspenpaw realized as he said it that that was a stupid question, and had a lot of time to regret it as Deya took another bite of the vole.
She responded without derision however, "She seemed open to the idea, so if we're goin', we'll probably be goin' 'morrow, or today maybe, I don't know,"
"Really?" Aspenpaw felt like that was too fast, despite them having been here for many days now,
"Apollo likes to move fast, all we can do is keep a good distance 'hind 'er,"
Aspenpaw hated not knowing when or what things were happening, and the impulsive decisions that Apollo kept making, and his disdain and rage for the leader only continued to grow the more she kept him ignorant,
"Don't you want any of this?" Deya suddenly asked, forcing Aspenpaw to break eye contact to glance down at the vole,
"I'm not hungry," He responded, feeling embarrassed over the inquiry,
"You haven't been eating much at all since the fight," Aspenpaw felt a strange, disconcerting feeling run through his freezing pelt,
"Have you been-" He suddenly couldn't find the words.
He had never considered or expected that somebody would be noticing him when he wasn't speaking to them.
Nobody had ever before referred to Aspenpaw's behavior outside of direct communication.
Deya had abandoned the vole now and was staring into Aspenpaw's blank face,
"I don't-" He had no words, completely bemused by her comment.
He just couldn't make sense of it, why Deya had paid that much attention to him.
It shocked Aspenpaw into his body.
It made him feel real; an affirmation that he was alive, just for her to say that he existed sometime beyond when he was fulfilling some role.
A tender feeling overtook his apprehension and confusion.
Deya was resting her tail on his back and tried to reassure him, "It's hard your first time, I know. I think most o' us still feel like waves're collapsing down on us. You're not alone,"
"Thanks," Aspenpaw whispered quietly, trying to shield his experience from any prying ears.
Deya shoved the vole to him, "Thanks," He began to eat with more confidence, though nearly gagging for every bite he took.
Nonetheless, he didn't give up, even as Deya began a new conversation,
"It oughta be good to get away from here,"
"Yeah," Aspenpaw's voice came out dreamily, still entranced by his continuing thoughts,
"I'm not all that, uh, taken, I'd guess, by this place as everyone else is," Deya's tone was oddly defensive, and Aspenpaw didn't quite know what she was trying to say,
"What do you mean?" He asked,
"Well, I think that, like, Aranyer and Rese are scared to leave this place just 'cause it hurts so much, you know? And I've never felt like that after a battle,"
Aspenpaw nodded, though he still didn't know what Deya was saying.
She seemed to catch on that she wasn't making sense and softly smiled, "I'm sorry, ignore me,"
"No, it's okay," Aspenpaw quickly assured her,
"Yeah," It was quiet suddenly, an awkward air surrounding them.
Aranyer no longer had her head pointed out over the sky so Aspenpaw assumed that she was asleep, making him and Deya the only two waking cats on the rooftop, and for all purposes, in the entire city.
Aspenpaw continued to pick at what remained of the vole and Deya again shifted past the previous conversation to ask a new question, "Did you think you knew what you were gettin' into when you joined?"
Aspenpaw was hesitant to answer the question, as the more he thought about it, the more he realized how unprepared he had been to see the things he had, let alone to participate in them,
"I thought so, yeah," He answered as an implication, not willing to put into words how the battle had affected him,
"What about you?" He quickly turned the conversation back to her, though he was genuinely curious to hear her answer,
"I don't think I expected all that much. It was the first time I was alone, so I just rolled with whatever I was given, none of it ever bothered me,"
"Are you sad that we're going to be leaving your brother behind?" The words spilled out of Aspenpaw's mouth.
He had remembered in that moment that her brother was buried nearby, and the question seemed to appear on his tongue before he even considered the impact of them.
Deya did look taken aback, a shock that Aspenpaw didn't usual see in the she-cat, and though he expected a fury from her, she simply leaned in closer and whispered,
"You can't ask that here," She pulled back, and though Aspenpaw thought that that was it, quite ashamed of himself for asking, Deya opened her mouth again and answered vaguely,
"A bit, yeah, but I'm stronger now, it won't hurt as much as it did to leave my mother,"
Aspenpaw nodded, thinking of their mother, how she lay back in Riverclan, and his brother too, probably buried beside her.
It was still hurting to think of how far away he was.
The vole was just bones and various inedible bits now, and Aspenpaw pushed it aside, resolving to bury it later, to leave it behind just the same as everything else.
Ahead, as if to never give them pause, Apollo stirred from her sleep, raising her head like a crane into the afebrile air.
She bent her limbs and writhed upwards, contorting and reaching out, her muscles shooting and her veins pumping voraciously until her legs steadily bared her body to the world.
She slumped a paw on the dirty parapet and sifted through the grime with her claws.
Aspenpaw looked beside him to see Deya's reaction, but her head was tucked in her side, pretending to be asleep.
He took the cue and quickly put himself to a faux rest before Apollo looked his way.
The ambient sounds of the city stopped the sound from carrying when steps like shudders vibrated softly through the hollow ground.
He heard a murmur from across the way, and then his pelt was shot with shivers as the heat of touch softly assaulted his shoulder.
Opening his eyes treated Aspenpaw to a changed scene.
Cats were quickly awakening, and Apollo stood at the edges of sight, speaking simply to any cat who was adjusted enough to understand her,
"We're leaving," Aspenpaw found her voice grating like he never had before, his spat with Aranyer only fueling his distrust of the leader.
He decided to talk to Deya about her if he could find a moment alone with her.
Deya now was similarly watching as cats came to their senses, though she quickly brushed her shoulder and Aspenpaw was curious why.
He touched his tail to the spot where Apollo had tapped him; there was dirt there.
The white leader tonelessly worded a command to Rese, then passed over to Aspenpaw and Deya,
"We'll follow the sidewalk north. You two will scout. Stay far ahead and in view," Deya swiftly nodded, but Aspenpaw sat still.
Apollo didn't wait around for his compliance and started down the steps of the building.
They were really about to leave, "What do we have to do?" He asked to Deya, assuming she could fill in where Apollo refused,
"I don't know, just look out for danger, I'd guess. Come on," Deya sprung to her paws and Aspenpaw followed, moving to collect the remnants of the vole,
"Leave it," Deya advised, "We don't have the time,"
She was already starting to head down before Aspenpaw got the chance to refute.
Though his sensibilities told him that it was wrong to leave the bones of prey unburied, he quickly relented as cats poured down the steps, finally leaving this rooftop for the final time.
The Rider hadn't shown up around camp since the last time Aspenpaw spoke to him, so he knew the rolling stone was long on his way to clan territory.
As he exited the crumbling building and felt the weathered stone ground beneath his paws, Aspenpaw kept facing to the distant treeline, refusing to turn and remember the violence that had marked this place.
He moved to meet again at Deya's side and he met her halfway, noticing a distrusting glare from Ledivier as he passed her.
If she had been explicitly told that a tom was among their ranks, Aspenpaw hadn't been there to catch her reaction, nor had he since seen any reaction from the limping she-cat, neither with words or actions.
When he met with Deya, he led them both a bit further away from the group to have space to breathe for a moment.
They were just waiting on Roco now, who was still gathering what herbs she thought to bring along on the trip.
The air was thin when Aspenpaw tried to suck it in.
He hadn't realized how hard it would be to change scenery, even if it was away from this nasty place.
For a moment he thought about the promise he had made to Loneheart the night he said goodbye.
He had promised that he would find somewhere safe and warm, and that he would come back for the small tom and take him away to this mystical homeland.
Since then, he had been through trial and trial, and none had proven to hold a wonderful place such as what he imagined would be in wait, if not for his undeserving self, then for Loneheart.
He hadn't given up on this folly dream, and he wouldn't, despite all senses of reality,
"To admit defeat is to suffer it twice," Aspenpaw couldn't remember who had said this to him, so long ago now, but though the orator was forsaken, the melody of those words lingered on, echoing in his mind often when his confidence ebbed away.
The sky was frosted over with a thick layer of gray clouds, though as Aspenpaw breathed, steam filled his lungs.
Various drops of water collided against the earth, but they never seemed to pick up in frequency, just a steady rainfall that hardly reminded him that it was there.
Roco emerged from the building with her mouth stuffed full of herbs, some of which Aranyer took from her to lighten her load,
"Let's go," Aspenpaw announced to Deya, as Apollo wasted no time in beginning to move, not a trace of sentimentality in her motions.
Uncharacteristically, Deya was in a daze, dreaming off in some other world, but after a moment she snapped back,
"What? Yeah," So they bounded ahead of the five other cats, hardly still being able to see them when they slowed.
For a while, at least, it seemed like a straight shot north, walking along the side of the thunderpath that seemed to stretch out to the ends of the world.
Aspenpaw felt his size as wheezed, remembering how out of shape he was.
Deya didn't comment on it and they walked together in silence for a few minutes.
Looking out beyond the cityscape, Aspenpaw longed to be where the grass grew, and further out, where trees hung their branches over any creature needing of shelter, safe on the forest floor, hidden from pursuers.
It was a fleeting dream.
Even after what he had witnessed, he knew he wouldn't last long on his own if he deserted,
"How long is it to where we're going, do you think?" He asked, wanting to turn his mind from his desires,
"Uh, I really don't know, I've only ever been down here, or 'round, I mean,"
Aspenpaw almost, in an attempt to make further conversation, asked about Deya's origins, but he caught himself, terrified that if he did ask, she would turn the question around on him.
So he walked on, feeling an encroaching loneliness fill his mind.
The gray sky suddenly engendered a connection to Acornpaw, based solely off its color.
Aspenpaw figured that it was a completely insane connection to make, and only felt more depressed thinking about how prevalent his brother still was in his life.
There was always a ringing in his ear, the sound of Acornpaw choking on his life, and the only thoughts that could outpower it were ones of loathing.
That was why he couldn't desert the commune, because he didn't deserve to be safe anymore.
The day dragged like a branch in the river.
The sparse rain had only lived shortly, but the bleakness of the sky had yet to break.
The wind carried a dreamlike euphoria, a desperate plea, and a mourning scream.
Smoke lifted across the sky in thick clumps, pumping out like seeds from somewhere deep in the heart of the city.
The scent of fire was the strongest that Aspenpaw had ever felt in his nose, a choke-holding sensation.
But more than himself, it was Deya who looked choked up, her fur unable to rest properly while her eyes held the strongest commitment to solace that Aspenpaw had ever seen in a cat.
It was frightening to see how her face distorted, where her scars shifted with the uncontrollable crinkles she made, so that she became unrecognizable from the face that Aspenpaw knew,
"You okay?" He hedged out to ask her the question, unable to predict her response with any semblance of certainty, but Deya suddenly looked somewhat relieved, as if the foe she was fighting to keep collected for had dissipated, and she was left back on the sidewalk, cautious and weary, but becoming lax as she answered him back,
"It just makes me think about a lot o' things," She explained.
Aspenpaw understood what she was talking about immediately, as, though she spoke of the smoke running through the sky, looking past it, into the gray abyss, he felt all those same feelings about Acornpaw rise up all over again,
"It makes me think, too," Aspenpaw said softly.
He didn't want her to feel alone, and he hardly wanted to be alone himself, but still this honesty surprised him, both with simply having the confidence to say it, but because of how comfortable he felt as the two cats confided vaguely to one another over old traumas that still blunted their heads.
Neither of the two asked the other to explain any further what they saw in the caust sky, but they each seemed to know that the other had fully understood.
Aspenpaw looked behind him and saw only the places they had walked, empty of life,
"I can't see them anymore," He stopped and announced to Deya.
The fire in the city had seemed to die out, but the scent of ash lingered on.
They hadn't seen any signs of life from since the last time Aspenpaw had checked to make sure the commune was still behind them. Deya stopped behind him and turned around,
"Well, we woulda heard if somethin' happen to 'em,"
"We should go back until we can see them, still," Aspenpaw was afraid that this may be a test, to see whether or not he would follow Apollo's orders exactly.
He was cautious of her giving him this job, since she had tried to get rid of him before.
Deya wasn't bothered by the scenario, however,
"Nah, let's just rest a minute here," She began to crouch down until her weight was rested on the stone ground. Aspenpaw looked back at her anxiously and convicted to a decision,
"You can stay here, I'm going back," Though he didn't mean it, the words that came from his voice sounded arrogant and pretentious.
Wincing at how he had expressed his credence, Aspenpaw began strolling slowly back to where the group was.
He was incredibly tired, and nearly turned around to rest if not for his own sickening pride.
For a while he saw nothing, until the rumble of vibrations lifted from behind, and he turned to see Deya bounding down the way.
She stopped beside him, looking exasperated, "Neither o' us should go 'lone 'round here,"
Aspenpaw hadn't even put his mind to the thought of danger, this place seemed so dead, though now that he recalled the concept, every soft wind held enemies, and every crack in the sidewalk was a grave.
He picked up his pace a little as more adrenaline rushed through his veins the longer they went without seeing any familiar faces.
Deya didn't look nearly as weary, but there was a look of worry on her face that suddenly swelled by the sound of a war cry in the distance.
It felt like they ran further than they had so far traveled altogether.
The thunderpath shimmered and shined in the blur as they raced towards an unforgiving scene.
The commune had been stopped in their tracks, pounced on by a small patrol of toms.
As soon as he saw them, Aspenpaw froze, completely stopped dead in remembrance of the previous battle.
Deya flung forward, devoid of hesitation.
There were only three cats in the patrol, but the state of the commune made the battle swing in their direction.
Aspenpaw couldn't move his paws; he just watched as skin was slashed and teeth wrestled against bone.
It was as if he were a spirit, bound to stillness in the face of injustice.
Deya lifted from the ground and came back down colliding on a tom, tearing at the back of his neck, and leaped off, sending him to the ground.
Aspenpaw felt a convulsion in his throat and he stumbled forward, the closest he got to defending what he had.
It wasn't a long battle; with Deya's inclusion the patrol soon became aware that their presence would bring them to death, and one scrambled away, back into the narrow-ways and sun-blocking towers of the city.
As soon as the other two realized this, they fled as well, though not without a fight.
One of their eyes was dropping from its socket, bouncing against his face as he bounded, and all sorts of muscles had been dug into, so that when they ran, they galloped more like deer than cats.
None of the commune cats followed them.
Aspenpaw, all at once, felt a myriad of emotions and thoughts coming through him like a monster running down his head.
At first he lamented the graces he had with the commune, and how they would never be able to trust him after this inaction.
But then it occurred to him; Apollo would never let him stay after this.
He had half the thought to turn tail and flee just like the other toms, but with the danger gone, his paws resumed to where they had intended to arrive.
Walking slowly and with a swagger, Aspenpaw found the strength to approach Deya, standing behind her and never announcing his presence.
She was looking to Aranyer, who had these hollow, dull eyes, like looking into a tunnel,
"Charlie's," The brown she-cat said.
There was a body on the ground, just behind her, reflecting Aspenpaw's own position.
He crept forward, and his eyes were engulfed by a sinking feeling throughout his entire body.
It was Apollo, and she would never breathe again.
Aspenpaw felt the same emptiness that he had seen in Aranyer's eyes.
There was suddenly nothing, no leader, no commune, no future; it just ended.