I know it's a bit late, but Happy April Fools Day!

Yes, this is a 'real' chapter.

Believe me.

April 3, 2024

Start

[4:53 AM]

The more he explored, the more he's convinced that the System is more of a computer implant than… whatever else there is. Or at least, that's what he wanted to believe for the sake of convenience. Believing that you have a computer in your brain is easier to swallow than all the bullshittery in this world and all the bullshittery that follows.

[4:56 AM]

Equipped with the System, he decided to spend the rest of the night thinking about the implications. Going by his time spent in the kitchen, the System is for all purposes and intent an augmentation. If he goes by the idea that the System is some computer, then it means its functionality is only as good as its input.

In the case of his fight with that cryo abyss mage, the System managed to predict attacks only from his point of view. His vulnerability to surprises implies that the System is anything but omniscient.

Whether that's a good thing or not is up for debate.

[5:12 AM]

This brings him to the topic of how to counter those fucking things. Abyss mages are smart and dangerous, ones that can fuck with thermodynamics… John shuddered. He remembered the biting cold. He needs those Abyss Mages dead if he ever wants to feel safe.

Kaeya said they lost track of it. It's probably in the shadows like a damn plague-ridden rat waiting to spread its malice.

Humanity was at the top of the food chain back on Earth by defying nature. But here? Humanity isn't on the top. Mother nature is on steroids, cocaine, and meth all at the same time. Thanks to magic, it's on a perpetual overdose that puts an entire illegal drug industry to shame.

John gave himself some time to process the fact that humanity is prey. If those damn monsters have the gal to raid Mondstadt's capital, then imagine the genocide outside.

The notion scared him.

It felt so damn weird. He was so used to the idea of humans killing humans, of nations attacking one another, that anything else was alien. Sure, this is an alien world after all. But even then…

[5:40 AM]

"Five-forty AM." He mumbled languidly on his pillow. He sat on his bed as he looked through the window. The sky blue hue above is permeating above the horizon, sweeping away the darkness. It's day two of the siege. The question is, what now?

On the off chance he'll be ambushed by another abyss mage, he'd be helpless.

He needs a gun. Those bastards deserve to get shot. With the System, there must be a crafting mechanic. He'll just have to enter a blacksmith's workshop to trigger another update, and it'll only be a matter of time until he can make himself… something humble as a start.

A matchlock sounds realistic.

As for the propellants? Noelle mentioned that Timaeus was hauling explosives. Perhaps John could ask for anything akin to gunpowder, suspicious as that might be.

A ping chimed in his brain. He could have turned off the alarms in the settings, but the System was an exceptional sound designer in that the ping scritched the folds of his brain just right. It's like… it's directly triggering the nodes of his brain responsible for pleasure.

Creepy.

[You have (1) Notification(s)]

[New Objective: Firepower!]

[Description: After a failed battle against one of the Abyss Order's mages, you're determined to properly arm yourself for any future encounter! And what better weapon would there be than one of humanity's devastating inventions - Guns!]

[Objectives:]

[Research explosives or find a way to procure gunpowder]
[Get access to metal working tools and resources.][Unlock [Blacksmithing subsystem] and craft your first ever functioning firearm]

[Rewards:]

A system update dedicated to firearm-based combat.

[Expand to see details:]

Expanded Arsenal: Adds compatibility software to a variety of firearms and equipment options.

User Interface Enhancements: Updates user interface for firefights allowing for a streamlined information display and combat feedback.

Ballistics Calculation: Implemention of ballistics analysis to calculate bullet trajectories, bullet drop, and weapon accuracy at various distances.

Training Mode Integration: Introduction of training mode to simulate combat scenarios in a controlled environment.

Hmm... You read my mind, System. He thought with mild amusement. He wouldn't be surprised if it had its own intelligence, but what can he do about it? That's right. Nothing. Well, I should be busy.

Should he tell Jean of his plan to make a musket? Maybe she'll grant him the tools and resources he needs. But she'll get skeptical; how would the locals react if he described the technology? Would they think it's black magic? Would they think of it as a joke? It might land him in the interrogation room. Or worse, get questioned by the church inquisition - if it exists at all.

So far, he doesn't have enough leverage to minimize risks.

… But he wants a gun so badly.

Between interrogation and shooting an abyss mage in the face, the latter sounds so worth it. Introducing guns should change the playing field, and maybe the Knights of Favonius will be grateful to him in the near future. If he wants this to go perfectly, then he has to "invent" a gun, kill as proof of its power, sell the idea that he's a genius inventor, and get laid (optional but highly recommended).

Everyone wins.

As the flagstone ground below becomes more lively in the coming sunrise, he sees a familiar knight in a group. Is that Captain Hertha?

He should say hi. After all, she did save his life.

…

"Is that John?" Captain Hertha wondered who the person waving from the third-floor window. She recognized his dark jacket. Her expression turned bright seeing him alive in person. That changed to skepticism when he leaned out haphazardly and looked down.

"What is he… John! No no no! Oh Barbatos…" Hertha's colleagues standing beside shared her expression - a mix of bafflement and astonishment at John's maneuver; he jumped down the window, caught the second floor's ledge to stop him from falling to death, let go, fell again, and landed on the cobblestone floor.

"John…" Hertha waved a hesitant greeting. He could've just taken the normal route! Then again, at this point, everyone should already know that John is… different. "Don't just jump out of the building! People might get the wrong idea!"

"Eh?" John tilted his head. "I sometimes see people glide from windmills like it's no one's business though."

"You! Agh! That's different! And you don't have a glider!" Hertha deadpanned. The Knights of Favonius is home to notable oddballs. A renowned researcher turned humble librarian. A cavalry captain without a cavalry to captain. A gliding champion whose license is revoked. A one-woman-army maid. A neurodivergent alchemist. A child arsonist.

With John added to the mix, things will get a little more interesting.

For better or worse. Captain Hertha thought as she sighed.

"I figured taking the stairs would take long." That, and he wanted to test his parkour skills. So far, there's no update dedicated to parkour, so he figured "basic" movements are already included in the "base game" if that makes sense. John snorted. "Anyways. Good morning to you, ma'am. I'm really glad to see you. I owe you one for the last time by the way."

"Last time?" The honey-eyed captain recalled yesterday's attack, in the moment she told them to run as she held back monsters. Hertha smiled warmly, "Oh. That. Think nothing of it. It's simply my job… but I don't have time for idle chat. I'm busy right now. What do you need from me?"

Huh? She's his boss; she should be the one telling him what to do. However, he did have a concern, "If I recall right, we're supposed to discuss job offers after assessing my work?"

"Ah. Yes. Supposed to be, had Mondstadt been not besieged." Hertha sighed as she breathed deeply. "Now, about your employment contract… or rather the lack thereof. I wish this can be resolved, but unfortunately, I do not have time…"

Her voice trailed in silence.

"I remember your conversation with Timaeus about our transport balloons." Hertha turned to the knights looking for someone. "Perhaps I shall have you temporarily transferred to the Investigation Company? It's where he works. It'd be worthwhile to see if you have a knack in alchemy. In any case, a man of your talent would be a waste merely moving stuff around."

"Funny how you say that. I did have plans to try alchemy." John chuckled. How lucky he is being given the opportunity so fast.

"That's a yes, then." Hertha leaned here and there over the crowd. "Is anyone here from the Investigative Team? Yes! You! Come here. I need you."

A long-haired, platinum blondie in their standard uniform weaved through the small crowd.

"Let the Wind Lead! Follow the Sparks!" Ematol stood beside Hertha as she saluted. The two faced each other professionally. "Greeting. I'm Ematol, Investigative Team Weapons Officer, at your service."

"I, Captain Hertha, am officially transferring John Smith to the Investigation Company effective immediately. Officer Ematol, you are to guide him to Master Timaeus or Chief Albedo whichever is available."

"Yes ma'am!" Ematol flashed a smile and gestured an invite. "John? Follow me please."

"Bye bye captain." John followed, breaking from the rest of the group. "What's her name again?"

[Ematol]

[Investigative Team Weapons Officer]

"Sooo... Officer Ematol." He glanced at her title. "Are you some sort of... weapons specialist?"

"Well, yes, but it's not as you might think." She sounded shy. "I know nothing about combat. If I were to take up a sword, even a wild boar could take on twenty of me."

"Not a combatant? Then, mind running me through what you do?"

Both walked down the stairs leisurely as they passed by many people, both knights and whatnot.

"The Investigation Company has divisions each with a different focus. For ours, we investigate, collect, and analyze combat-related data of the Knights to improve tactics and combat capabilities. We study the habits of the Knights and modify equipment as part of our responsibilities. The so-called Weapons Specialist is a knight who is responsible for testing experimental weapons."

(AN: For those not in the know, Ematol is a quest-exclusive NPC. What you read is a paraphrase of her dialogue.)

Experimental weapons? Hmm… interesting. So it's their research and development department. He wanted to get straight to the point asking if they could check their explosives, but that'd sound too suspicious. "I heard that your company makes bombs. Are you an expert?"

"I do have my own expertise and have designed many explosives for engineering use! However, their explosive velocity simply isn't in the same league as the Jumpy Dumpty. They are only capable of deflagrating, rather than transitioning to a high brisance detonation..."

John swore he just heard her giggle like a maniac as if she was waiting for her whole life for this discussion. The sun hasn't fully risen yet, and he's talking with a potential arsonist early in the morning.

Sounds fun.

"… Deflagrating? Brisance? What?"

"Oh no! I'm so sorry, I got carried away and didn't do a good enough job explaining, it's all my fault!"

John surfed through the System's menu to find the [Dictionary]. Texts arranged themselves without blocking his view, only reading when they reached the last steps of the stairs. "Just so we're on the same page, deflagration means to burn rapidly with intense heat, whereas brisance is the shattering or crushing effect, right?"

Ematol paused on her feet, frozen as a statue. She suddenly turned to him like a wooden puppet in a horror movie - his heart jumped. Her eyes sparkled with joy with a toothy smile.

"Exactly! You're quite learned!" She held his shoulders, squishing his deltoids. "Most people think of explosion as just, well, a sudden burst of fire and nothing more. You must be a fellow explosion enthusiast!"

John gently pried off her hands. "Uhh… I do think explosions are cool."

I found one of my people! Her grip tightened. She had this very happy look on her face as if she tasted chocolate for the first time. She leaned a little too close for his comfort. "Wanna be friends? Let's be friends! I should introduce you to Klee sometime!"

"Uhhh okay?"

"Hahahaaa!" She grabbed his wrist, dragging him to a jog. "Then we must hurry! Maybe I could show you my experimental explosives before my shift!"

Wait what. Well, John won't say no to that. He can't help but notice how things are going his way so fast. How interesting. Is this the System at work, or is he just lucky? As he felt like being tugged by a child in a fair, he said, "You said yours are "capable of deflagrating." Do you mean like propellants?"

"Yup. Like gunpowder!"

Wait. What? Did she just say gunpowder? Both turned to a corner, passing by the city square where the mercenaries planted their tents. "You mean propellants for guns? Like cannons?"

"Of course! What else would I mean? Fireworks?" They jogged, weaving through crowds as they went.

Wait. WHAT? Those things existed, but somehow he hadn't seen gunpowder small arms anywhere. If he recalled right, back on Earth, after the invention of cannons, it had taken a few centuries for gunpowder small arms to be widespread. "Quick question. Do you know what a firearm is?"

"Like muskets and rifles? Or do you mean like those fancy automatic repeaters from Snezhnaya?" She was so lost in the clouds that she didn't even notice his surprise. "I'm well-read in all there is! But truth be told, I've never held one in my entire life."

WAIT. WHAT? Have people already invented machine guns? "Interesting… Uh. Are they common in… Is-nej…"

"Snezhnaya? They have very strict gun control so I don't know. So strict in fact that most of their soldiers still use swords. I do know that guns originated in Fontaine, though. Nearly a millennia ago. I've read they're so advanced that they make… clockwork humanoid machines?"

WAIT!? WHAT!? Does she mean robots?! Do they have robots here?! And what does she mean by clockwork?! How do you make robots out of clocks?! Is Fontaine a steampunk fantasy turned real? Why is Mondstadt so damn far behind technology that they're still stuck with swords and bows?! "Wait. Hold on. Give me a minute."

"Are you tired?" Both slowed their pace. She let go of his wrist, and just realized she dragged him like a pet! "Oh gods I'm so sorry, I got carried away again!"

"Uhhh no it's not that." John took a moment to absorb everything. Ha! And just when he thought this world couldn't get weirder. He looked in the direction where Ematol brought him; that crafting spot beside Mondstadt General Goods, staffed by familiar figures with a couple of new faces - some other knights and most notably a green-haired girl.

"… John?"

"Timaeus! It's you!" John waved an arm animatedly. "Glad you're alright!"

"John!? I thought you were comatose!" Timaeus ran up to him while waving back, glad to see him in top shape. "I heard you nearly got killed by an abyss mage! How's your head? Shouldn't you still be in the healer's ward? And what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be working with Captain Hertha?"

"Woah there slow down pal." John raised his palms.

Ematol cleared her throat as she saluted. "Ematol, Investigative Team Weapons Officer reporting in! Captain Hertha transferred John to our company as a temporary staff."

John stepped in. "She thought I'd be more useful here than in logistics."

"We do need more hands I suppose. But you don't have any experience in alchemy, right?"

"No, but I can assure you that I learn fast." John's lips stretched in a confident - and borderline cocky - smile. He has clear goals, one of which is to learn alchemy as soon as possible. He didn't want roles relegated to a neophyte. He didn't want to be the janitor or be someone's errand runner. Acting humble will just beat around the bush. He knows what he wants and he will get it.

"I know nothing at all, but I think Ematol here is willing to teach me, right?" He pondered how he could sweeten his words, something that'd validate his newfound bond with Ematol. In a second, the System read his intention, opening the [Conversation Log] and automatically scrolling to past dialogues. "Isn't that right, my fellow explosion enthusiast?"

JOHN SMITH used PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIPULATION!

It's super effective!

Her eyes sparkled like a fuse lit, "Master Timaeus, you can assign him to work with me during my shift. I'll ensure to absolutely, extensively, and closely guide him through the process thoroughly, comprehensively, and methodically – like a completely, fully, and totally meticulous tutor!"

John side-eyed Timaeus who's equally perplexed.

"Mmm… Ematol. I believe your name rings a bell." Timaeus retrieved a clipboard and glanced over its contents. "Says here your assignment involves prep work for the reagents - oh." His tone shifted to apprehension. "You're that alchemist obsessed with Klee's Jumpy Dumpty."

"That I am!" Ematol smiled proudly, fists on her hips.

"You're also that alchemist who keeps researching its formula," He remarked, taking a breath. "And suffered from... twenty or so incidents? Where you got blown up in most?"

"That-" Her smile dropped like a falling brick. "That I am?"

Wait what. John kept his expression still. At least he found himself an explosives expert, but that brought him some concerns. That explains her personality. This woman must've banged her head more times than me.

"John, would you like to work under me instead?" Timaeus gave that kind of look that gives off a silent message, "I can relegate roles that's nothing too labor intensive."

"No thanks. Ematol. I pick Ematol." John answered in a heartbeat with a neutral, robotic expression. He'll probably regret this.

"… I don't think you're sure," Timaeus said in insistence, as he did a slow subtle headshake.

"I'm definitely sure." John noticed the green-haired girl standing behind Timaeus also shaking her head in sync. Just a little less subtle.

"… Are you really sure?" The worried Timaeus twitched his eyelid in place of a wink. Everyone else is just staring at him with this tense expression like they badly needed a comfort room.

Agh! Get a hint! Did your condition worsen? Did you get hit in the head- Timaeus recalled John fell victim to a cryo abyss mage according to his master. Oh… right.

"Not going to change my decision." John suppressed a laugh. They must think he's socially handicapped because of his head injuries, but he's not unaware of the risks. Putting a madwoman and explosives together is a recipe for disaster. They say don't stick it in crazy, but he has reasons preferred unsaid.

Timaeus gives a vibe of a stickler for safety procedures, and that makes it unlikely he'd be willing to teach a beginner how to synthesize explosives on day one. On the other hand, by the sound of it, Ematol might even give him a jarful of gunpowder under the table free of charge if he plays his cards right.

In any event, mentorship or not, he just needs access to their lab and to update the System. In the first place, he wasn't expecting them to let a random guy work with their explosive technician. Who in their right mind would give civilians access to military assets anyway?

Might as well give a kid bombs.

"John, you just got out from the hospital, though. And I don't want you dealing with dangerous materials."

This conversation is going nowhere. It's already six in the morning. He's got no time for this. The sooner he gets those materials, the sooner he's got something against those abyss mages.

"Do you suppose I'm not fit for this work because you think I'm stupid?" John said as neutral as he could. As much as he feels a little bad for twisting Timaeus's words, he wants this to get over with. "Or is it that you fear I might accidentally harm myself because you think Ematol is a negligent alchemist?"

JOHN SMITH used STRAWMAN FALLACY!

It's super effective!

"Wha- Well, do you?" Ematol crossed arms, raising an eyebrow. "I admit that I have had reckless incidents throughout my career, but I can at least promise John will be safe under me."

"Wait! No! I didn't mean it like that!" Timaeus panicked, exchanging glances between the flustered Ematol and the bored-to-death John. "I just don't want him to get hurt again!"

"It's the former then." John shrugged, unbothered, even chuckling from his reaction, "If it makes you feel any better, I promise I'll be careful."

"I… No. John. I never said you're stupid… Well, I mean-" Timaeus shut up before he finished. He gave in to save face, sighing in defeat. "Since you insist…"

"Okeh." John smiled in satisfaction.

"Then we have no time to lose! Come on, John!" Ematol gestured to follow.

John shrugged, walking backward, "I'm sorry if I didn't choose you, Timaeus, but I like Ematol. She's interesting."

"Alright, bye John." Timaeus waved goodbye. "If you have free time, come visit the lab!"

…

[Alchemy Crafting Update!]

Changelog:

New Features:

Enchanted Alchemy Lab Unlocked: Access a lab with interactive stations, including cauldrons, distillation apparatus, and magical tools.
Alchemy Recipe Codex: Discover and collect new potion recipes in a comprehensive recipe codex, categorized by potion types and effects.
Interactive Brewing Stations: Engage with brewing stations such as the mixing table, heat source, and cooling.

Gameplay Changes:

Ingredient Essence System: Ingredients possessing essences affect potion properties, potency, and duration. Experiment with combinations to craft unique effects!
Dynamic Brewing Mechanics: Experience enhanced gameplay with a system for blending, heating, and cooling. Master the art of precise potion brewing techniques!
Time and Magic Dynamics: Brewing times and magical energies now play a crucial role. Time your brewing process and harness magical energies for optimal results!

Quality of Life Improvements:

Essence Highlighting: Easily identify interactable ingredients with a new highlighting system, streamlining the brewing process.
Quick Potion Navigation: Improved potion navigation for faster access to favorite brews!
UI Enhancement: Seamlessly integrated user interface improvements for a more intuitive and cohesive potion-making experience.

… I'm seeing a pattern here. John skimmed through the change log page. It's pretty much a paraphrased version of the cooking update, interestingly enough.

"Welcome to my lab! It doesn't have much compared to our main workshop, but it's more than enough for our needs."

"A lab? This looks more like a bedroom." John gestured at the bunkbed, the two wardrobes, and other small furniture. The room size is a college dorm room if anything. The only part that hints at a lab is the corner where there is a long workbench and a closed cabinet. "Why couldn't we work in the headquarters workshop instead?"

"You were with Captain Hertha when the attack happened, right? They didn't just attack our warehouses, but our armories and barracks too!" Ematol huffed. As she talked, she opened the cabinet and lined up a mortar and pestle, crucibles, and glassware on the workbench. "As you see, we fended them off, but as a precaution for our bomb production, we had split all our assets both manpower and resources to minimize damage."

"Ah. So every alchemist is working in their own home to hide from the… Abyss Order?" The name sounds edgy if he must say.

Being in the third room on the third floor of the third building to the right of the city gates, not only is it a safe place with all the knights on patrol, but it's also close to the catapult they're making explosive shells for.

"Right! As they say, don't put all your eggs in one basket." After she was done, she threw herself on her bed mattress as her knee-length skirt fluttered messily.

"So… when do we start?" He found himself staring. He could see her tight, black leggings up to her upper thighs. If he leaned down a little then he should get a peek- Wait. No. Bad brain! No horni! He looked away respectfully and talked to the workbench, fiddling with a ceramic cup.

"Mmm." She angled her head to speak. "We're just waiting for someone to bring our materials. Make yourself comfortable in the meantime." She smirked behind his back, glancing up and down until her gaze landed on his ass. Oh... not bad.

John sauntered to the window where he rested his elbows.

John noticed that the flower shop was run by a child - Flora, was it? - was gone. In its place were open-air workshops where metal workers made war materials, teams of fletchers refilling quivers in bulk, and smiths hammering swords and such. Every space was utilized. An apothecary here, a hospital tent there, a makeshift kitchen here. And potters shaping clay into pots presumably for the catapult.

It's busy, no need to say more.

He wondered when the next wave of enemies would attack. Yet while the city is besieged, people are going to and fro like nothing much changed. Shops of all kinds are open. Restaurants, street vendors, food carts. One particular bakery had all kinds of people lined up.

A long line of people.

… There was something off about it. One of the customers in line looks like she's unwilling. He could tell by her body gestures. Too fidgety. Without even talking, the baker just handed her a bread basket as she avoided the alleyways like the plague. Weirdly enough, this goes on in a pattern. She's not alone. And yet, for how obvious it all seems to him, the knights patrolling the streets are turning a blind eye.

Someone knocked on the door. Ematol, humming a tune, rose to welcome their guest. "Morning Blanche." She stood aside to give way. "Is that the package?"

"Oh hi, Blanche. Good morning." John waved to the shopkeeper of the Mondstadt General Goods store. He recognized her from Amber's quick tour of the city.

"Ematol, John. Morning to you both!" Blanche entered the room carrying a… bread basket. She stepped in, carrying it with two arms. It didn't look heavy on the surface, yet she held it like a lead brick was hidden inside. Suddenly, she paused in realization, "Wait. John?! I thought you died!"

"First Timaeus thought I was comatose." John snorted in amusement. "And then there's you."

"But I saw your body getting carried-"

"To the church, not to the cemetery!" He snorted. "So I'm guessing you're our supplier?"

He meant that rhetorically to keep the conversation busy so that he could think just why the need for extra secrecy.

"Mm-hmm! I'm glad to see you alive!" Blanche laid the sizable basket on the workbench with a deep huff. The basket thudded louder than it should be. "Ugh… uh… why do you live on the third floor, Ematol?"

"It's cheaper here." The explosives alchemist placed all the bread on the table. "No one likes stairs." Blanche pulled out the rest of the contents hidden under a handkerchief. Jars filled with coarse powders, flower petals, seeds, and spherical things glowing red.

He calmed his breath. As he thought about it, this has bigger implications. John knew those monsters had some form of intellect, but never to the extent where the Knights of Favonius are going through all this trouble to counter saboteurs. Sure, he expected abyss mages were hiding somewhere, but are there monsters within the Abyss Order capable of higher thinking? No wonder why that bread runner looks nervous. They could be targeted!

This is worse than I thought.

It means there are monsters in the Abyss Order hiding in the shadows who can collect information, stalk targets, and scheme for their next attack.

They're not some mindless comic-book villains. They are a terrorist organization.

He recalled his last battle in the perfect picture. Buildings encased in ice. The street is laden with frost. The biting cold. Saying that an abyss mage is Mother Nature's evil incarnate is no exaggeration. He imagined people freezing to death from a strong gust of winter wind conjured with a mere swing of a staff. If those monsters decide to attack again, then it's all over.

Holy fuck. John clutched his chest that's beating like a drum. Is this how airport security feels when they hear there's a suicide bomber?

Who knows. Maybe they hadn't attacked yet because they were resting to recharge their mana. Which might mean the city is on a ticking time bomb. A bomb that's going to blow up soon. He needs guns. ASAP.

"John, are you feeling alright?" Ematol noticed John clutching his chest a little too hard.

"I heard from Amber this happens a lot." Blanche shared with a soft tone. "How's your head feeling?"

"Just heartburn. Nothing to worry about." He lied as he breathed, patting his stomach. "Had a big steak for breakfast. All that meat and fat, you know?"

The containers were all laid on the long table.

[Leather pouch stuffed with sulfur]

[Leather pouch stuffed with coal]

[Glass jar stuffed with windwheel aster]

[Glass jar stuffed with dandelion seed]

[Glass jar stuffed with flaming flower stamen]

"So… are we going to start?" John said, his tone is cold and determined. He grabbed the jar with the red-orange glowing… thing. It felt warm in his palm.

The two women felt something flutter in their stomach seeing the assumably Inazuman (or Liyue?) inspect the jar with a piercing gaze. The pyro-enriched stamens produced a weak light that graced his fair-skinned face with a warm glow, which only accentuated his jaw much like makeup contour.

"Is this everything, Blanche?" He eyed the supplier.

Blanche's gaze fixated on his dark-brown irises. The way he bore his eyes unto hers as if nothing else mattered warmed her cheeks. Her attention wandered across his face - his hair, his jawline, and finally setting to his lips. Looks a little dry to her taste.

"Look. I'm alright. No need to look concerned. I ate like, three steaks just earlier."

"Woah. Three? You sure have a big appetite for meat huh?" She wondered what else he had an appetite for.

He turned to the other woman. "Ematol? What now? Come on. Tell me what to do."

"Uh, what?" Ematol's mind snapped back into place. "Tell you what?"

"To do things. I'm waiting for orders. You're my mentor and superior after all." Confusion replaced his aloof demeanor, knowing what to say. "We got everything already, right?"

"Oh. Uh. Sorry. It's just that I never had a personal assistant before. I usually work alone." Ematol zoned out as her mind dived into a red-and-pink fantasy. She muttered, "Huh. Tell you to do anything…"

"Yes. Anything. Ugh." John deadpanned. He didn't want to repeat it.

"Anything?" Her heart refused to calm down. She realized that once the shopkeeper leaves, it'll only be the two of them in the room together on the third floor of the apartment. Better yet, most of the residents should be out for their day job.

Why is she squirming? Why is she turning back - Oh fuck. She might be suspecting something. Am I being too straightforward? Yeah, why wouldn't she be suspicious of a guy so eager to make fucking bombs? I'm a fucking genius. He bit the inside of his cheeks. He reassured, "The sooner we get this done, the better. That's all I'm saying."

"R-right." Ematol swallowed, fiddling with a ceramic cup.

"John, I wish we could talk more if you have time, but I got other deliveries to take care of." The shopkeeper hummed, "I'll see you two later. Oh, and… John? Don't get too busy with Ematol."

"I just got out of the hospital, I know. Promise I won't push myself."

Blanche snickered. Oh, you sweet boy. She walked out and closed the door. "Bye-bye then. Have fun you two."

A palpable silence dawned between the alchemist and her student. John noted the bird chirping outside, whereas Ematol palmed her whole face in absolute embarrassment.

What's the time right now? Six twenty-three? Man, it's so early. I should get to work. He should loosen himself if he wants to concentrate. He needs to chill. John stretched his whole body on a tip-toe, with arms reaching as high as he could, fingers all spread. He felt a lot better. A lot cooler. "Nnn… Oh yeah~. Ready whenever you are."

"Uhh…" Ematol's shoulders stiffened. She twisted all the jar lids open to make herself look busy. "W-we should prepare the materials first! Haha!"

He saw her grab two sets of [Mortar and Pestle].

…

"And these are all from the teams in apartment three?" Chief Albedo inspected a box of reagents on the flagstone floor. "I didn't expect the materials to be done so quickly. Are you sure with the address?"

"Uh! Yes sir." Timaeus checked the clipboard. "One small correction though. It's from a single team of two alchemists."

"Merely two? Who are they?"

"One of them is Ematol. She's a weapons specialist in the military research division."

"That knight who focuses on explosives? I may have heard of her. I recall her babysitting Klee in my stead occasionally." It's not unusual for the knights to watch over Klee, but few have adapted to her destructive nature. After all, she's one to invite trouble. She's the type to invite a playmate to play bombs than with dolls. Ematol must have learned the techniques from the young demolitionist. "Who's the other?"

"John Smith, sir."

"Would I be right to assume that Captain Hertha transferred him to us as temporary staff?" Albedo inspected the finely ground powders. With the city on lockdown, there's not much else to focus on but on the production of explosive shells. Captain Hertha didn't need convincing to use available resources to assist the investigation company to get things done, from material acquisition to covert distribution. But he didn't expect she'd send John. She must have had a reason.

"You guessed right, chief! That's the investigation captain for you."

Knocks came from the door. The green-haired female apprentice went to open it, then walked behind the cabinets to hide.

A young female knight with short brown hair saluted. A few knights standing behind her were carrying wooden boxes. "Greetings, Master Alchemist Timaeus! Greetings, Chief Alchemist Albedo! My name is Freda. I'm a knight from the Logistics Company. We're here to deliver materials, sir."

(AN: Yes. That Freda from the recent potion event.)

The knights hauled in the boxes and organized them in the corner.

"Are these the processed reagents?"

"Uh. Yes sir!" She pulled out her pocket notebook. "Half of them is sourced from the third building to the right of the city gates."

The knights pried everything open. Albedo immersed himself in a moment of silence to check. The contents have jars filled with various jam-like liquids and powders, all carefully pushed in straw packing. Did they sacrifice quality for speed? But the notion was squashed when the chief alchemist pulled a jar containing finely grounded dandelion seed. "This is well done… How is that team so efficient? At this rate, we can make the first batch ahead of schedule."

"Woah!" Timaeus' mouth hung at the jar of flaming flower stamen paste. "This could have taken me an hour."

"Speaking of schedule." Freda chimed. "I'm here to inform you that more will be coming."

Albedo raised an eyebrow, "Is there more from the same team?"

"Captain Hertha has a message. Uh, we had to adjust to-" The logistics knight flipped through her notebook. "According to her, we're adjusting to the overproduction of Ematol's team. They're getting held back due to logistical constraints. I'll try to keep it short; We're failing to supply them on time. There are warehouse-related problems because of the de-centralization of storage. The management division is understaffed and overworked. And…"

There was a grim look on Freda's face, and yet she kept her tone professional.

"And lastly… the volunteer couriers assigned to Ematol's team have not yet returned."

"What?" Timaeus recalled the rumors of sightings of abyss mages in the sewers, but that's just it. "Did the Abyss Order catch up already!? What happened to-"

"Everyone! Listen. We must assume the worst." Albedo cut him off assertively. "We can only move on and improvise with whatever resources are available. We must supply Ematol's team no matter what to keep up production. Freda, where's Captain Hertha?"

"She's made building three her makeshift office. She stayed there to lay low while guarding Ematol and John, sir!"

How smart of her. Albedo thought. He believed so for a few reasons; Like Albedo, a captain-level knight walking around in the open would rouse suspicion. She must have done so to support the team directly. And a skilled combatant like her is best suited to protect the most productive team.

"Freda." Albedo disrobed his lab coat.

"Sir!" She saluted.

He said out loud with absolute certainty, "I need you to strip as fast as you can."

…

"What?" Freda's jaw fell agape. "S-sir!?"

"I said strip." He knelt to untie his boots. "We don't have time for this. It takes long to remove armor."

"S-sir!?" Freda hugged her chest. Her cheeks reddened intensely. Meanwhile, Timaeus, the green-haired girl behind the cabinet, and the rest of the knights stood in absolute shock at the ongoing debacle.

"Should… we leave?" Timaeus pointed to the door.

"No. I need everyone to help her - Agh!" Albedo groaned from almost tripping while removing his thigh-high boots. "Everyone, help her unbuckle her armor."

"We're included!?" One of the flustered knights was more than shocked that this was going to be a 'group project'. The Captain looks so serious and unflinching that everyone's heart is banging against their cuirass. Are their ears working fine?

"I need your armor for disguise, Freda. Yours is just the right size." Albedo gestured to the male knights with manly proportions. "Wearing theirs would look conspicuous with the size difference."

"Disguise?" Timaeus asked, his shoulders became a little less stiff.

"I'll go out to work alongside Ematol's team. That should ease up logistics and speed up production time. That way I can produce the first batch of explosives before the afternoon."

Everyone took a few seconds to think what he was on about.

One second. Then two. Then three.

Some took a little longer to connect the dots.

"Oh." Freda suppressed a frustrated groan. Her rush of dread was soon followed by relief. She removed her pair of greaves and vambraces. The other knights helped slide her cuirass out of her body and unstrapped her pauldrons, their gaze avoiding her eyes.

Albedo slid each piece of armor in place. Little by little, he's starting to look like any other knight. The others strapped pauldrons in place. Timaeus belted a scabbard around his waist. "Timaeus, use my clothes to disguise yourself. You are to walk out, take a stroll around the street, then return here. Cover your face with the hood. Keep it short. Don't talk to anyone. It should make them think that 'I' am guarding this place. If the Abyss Order had already 'taken' our couriers, then we cannot take any chances."

"Yes sir!"

Albedo grabbed his hair tie. He pulled off his hair tie. His braids were untangled, and his long hair fluttered like a bed sheet hung on a clothesline during a windy day. He combed his fingers to the end to fluff it up. His slim silhouette accentuated his slender form without his lab coat in the way. His pauldrons covered his shoulder-to-waist ratio, and his hair covering the sides of his face, gave him a feminine illusion.

His ocean blue eyes. His curious gaze. His symmetrical face. His silky hair.

'She' looks so fine.

"Do I look different?" 'She' clutched 'her' chest.

Freda's pupils enlarged like a cat about to hunt prey.

…

"Captain Hertha?" Albedo pressed on to find out what was happening. Much to his relief, the couriers are alive. They just got very distracted on the… on whatever was happening before his eyes. As if they were all doctors who all lost their stethoscopes, Captain Hertha and a handful of her knights breathed with hung mouths as they stuck their ears on the wooden wall.

Blanche and her fellow couriers were the same. Some of them knelt on one knee while their heads and hands were glued to the wall.

"What is going-"

Everyone shushed him with varying gestures.

Their imagination is running all over the place. Their heart is beating louder than a line of drummers. The warmth on their face can combat the tormented blizzard of Dragonspine.

"Oh my goodness… What is going on in there?" Hertha muttered to herself, panting through her nose.

Though the noise was muffled, they could make out the words coming out. But what's more prominent is the sound of wood creaking and things thudding that's leaking through the wall. From what's going on, the pair of alchemists are going wild like animals.

"John! No! You're going too fast! Don't break my - Agh! You're breaking my table! Oh Barbatos, my mind's going to explode! Will you slow down!? You're going to spill-"

The noise of tools getting cluttered rumbled from the room.

"Woops! Sorry!" John wailed.

"You spilled it all over me! It's not easy to wash off this kind of stain! I told you to gently piston your pestle and pressure around the rim! Not smack it around like a lunatic! And why are you sticking your fingers in it at the same time!?"

"I just like like it fast!" The sound of pounding continued. "I know I'm getting carried away, but you can't deny the results here!"

Table? Breaking? Explode? Stain? Pestle? Lunatic?

Every word hit them like a brick. With their mind focusing on everything, never in their lives have their ears become so focused and clear. How long have they been doing it!? How intense are they going at it!? What the hell is going on inside!? And how are they so casual about it!? Blanche held her breath. Just like her, the others are getting heated. Some muttered the name of the heavens. Some of the sevens. Some of their god of freedom, Barbatos.

Blanche clutched her pearls. Oh, how could they do such horrid things to her poor innocent ears!

The commotion inside died down as the two exchanged words.

"Ugh. Just what is this red goo thing."

"I told you not to stick your finger in it!"

"Ematol, where's the mop…. Ah… oh no. I didn't notice the floor got that dirty."

"Don't be sorry, John! I get messy too, especially when my roommate is out. Whenever I'm experimenting alone, I can get… creative."

"I bet you do. I did hear from Timaeus you're uhh… prone to explosions. So how often do you uhh… experiment?"

"In my free time at the headquarter's workshop. Or I used to. I got my access temporarily suspended because I broke almost everything. Equipment, furniture, all that. You see, I was experimenting with my colleagues and then I got all excited. Next thing I know, I fractured my arm."

"Oh? And you think I'm a lunatic? You're one to talk!"

"Hey! You're a different kind of crazy!"

"What!?" Blanche hissed through her heated breath. Red goo!? Just how dirty and intense did they get!? Prone to explosions? Experimenting with colleagues!? Arm fracture!? She's a freak! And just what is happening in the knight's headquarters!? So many wild questions spun strongly like a tornado in all her mind. What in heavens is going on in the headquarters workshop!? What kind of savages are these people!?

What she thought were social oddballs were heretics behind curtains!

And why is Hertha wheezing while hugging her waist in agony!? Does she know something no one else does!? Traitor!

The room rattled noisily from what they all assume of furniture thumping against the wood and flooring. The noise is coupled with the two fighting and shouting at each other.

Meanwhile, Albedo, in 'her' disguise, is focused on the behavioral conduct of all the people involved. Indeed, this is the first time he's witnessed this kind of behavior. He doesn't get to 'join' in these kinds of moments, after all. It's interesting how they seem to be all extremely flustered, yet committed to the prospect of data gathering of the intense activity on the other side of the room.

Why oh why do they not simply knock on the door to observe directly, or perhaps join in the fray? But ah. Yes. Of course. How idiotic of him to think so; After all, you don't barge in a controlled environment and expect the subjects to behave the same. That much he understood.

Perhaps he should disguise himself often. See how people behave without his 'presence'.

Oh dear.

It's getting out of control.

Albedo coughed. 'She' got shushed by everyone.

Albedo coughed again, his voice box a little less feminine. The shushing intensified, with everyone looking at 'her' like there was something wrong with 'her' head.

Albedo pulled his hair tie out of his pocket, pinching it between his lips, as he fixed his hair back to his signature ponytail. In all honesty, he is entertained with this… tomfoolery, but he has tasks that need to be done. And the products and equipment in the room might get destroyed. After he's done hairstyling, he coughed again with a little more volume.

"Keep it do-" Captain Hertha shrieked in horror. "C-C-Captain Albedo!?"

Everyone turned to the chief alchemist. They all froze like a statue. No one knew what to say.

"Yes. As you can see, it is me. I am Captain Albedo." He said with a casual smile. "I merely borrowed someone's armor to disguise myself. Obviously, you all did not recognize me. I can only conclude my disguise was effective."

Two people barged out of the room. John pointed his pestle like a baton. Standing behind him was Ematol ready to toss her improvised bomb-in-a-jar with a grin on her face.

"Oh… Uhh…" John first broke the silence, flicking his pestle to kill the flames. "What's going on? I heard screaming. Was there an attack?"

"Aw!" Ematol whined, pocketing her bomb. "I wanted to test my new formula!"

"Inside the building?" John commented calmly. "Are you insane?"

The two bickered on and on in an unintelligible banter on who's crazier.

…

After some time, the racket calmed down.

Captain Albedo requested John a demonstration of how he processed the ingredients, with everyone oddly eager yet hesitant to watch.

Inside Ematol's room, everyone gave him space to do his work.

He pulverized dandelion seeds. He didn't hold the pestle with one hand, but two. He pounded like there was no tomorrow, and in a minute, he was done. He went on to ground flaming flower stamens. And that's when everyone realized how the misunderstanding all started.

John pounded his pestle down against the mortar. Firmly. Precisely. Powerfully. Yet he did so like a savage with speed and precision, gyrating his wrist to hit all angles without causing a mess. The table thumped as he pounded, squelching in every movement. John changed his stance and technique, pressing the pestle down with both hands as if one was not enough. The table creaked, its wood warping in resistance. He used his fingers to directly move the larger bits to the center.

Just like that, he was done. The stamens were pulverized into a slime-like consistency. John flicked the pestle, coated in red goo, and scraped it off with his fingers.

"And this is how I do it… What?" John was weirded out by the audience's unreadable vibe. "Why you guys are looking at me like that?"

Captain Hertha, standing next to him, was facepalming hard in absolute embarrassment. "I see… so you were… doing that."

"Huh…? Ha?" John lazily drooped his head. "What else would I and Ematol be doing?"

Albedo explained. "Everyone here had assumed you two are having intense intercourse."

Hertha wheezed. Ematol silently screamed. Blanche coughed like something got stuck in her throat. Every knight and courier in the room had varying reactions.

"What?" John asked weakly, standing frozen like a dead deer in a freezer.

"I said they all initially assumed you two had been having sex."

"What?"

"I said people-"

"I get it! But what!?" John clamped his hair, looking around the people in panic. "We were doing alchemy! What else do you think we were doing in here!?"

"As I said, sex," Albedo said flatly. "In case you don't know, it is the penetration of male genitalia through its female counterpart."

John fell into silence. Everything and everyone slammed into silence. He reviewed his [Conversation log] and took his sweet time to study what went wrong from an outside perspective, as he scrolled through his past conversation with Ematol without the context of alchemy.

"… Oh my fucking god." John wanted to bury himself in a hole and hide until the end of time.

He walked out of the room.

"Hey! Wait! John!" Albedo ran after him to the hallway. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about!"

"Oh Barbatos…" Hertha bonked her head to the wall alongside the female alchemist.

"What a way to start the day, huh?" Blanche commented.

End

Author's Notes:

No clue what I just wrote. Even if it's a little late, happy April Fools Day!

So many things happened in this chapter. So many to discuss. For one, I've never had a chapter reach nearly 10k before! I am a proponent of quality over quantity, so I don't focus much on word count, but still! I usually post every month, and the last update was around two weeks ago and only had 6k!

I'm growing as a writer :D

Now, about the Albedo's femboy-sona scene. I don't know what went in my head, but I went along with it. Tbf he has an androgynous look. It's my headcannon that some people mistake he's a girl. It just naturally came to me when I had to come up with a scene of how he'd disguise himself. His voice change felt OOC, but it sounded fun.

And a knight simping on Fem-bedo. Lol. I mean, he is canonically popular both in Mondstadt and in alchemy circles all over Tevyat.

And another thing about NPCs. Since they don't have much lore, they're very 'pliable' in this context. In this case, I had put Hertha, Freda, and Ematol in awkward situations because lol why not?

Speaking of NPC… man, I went overboard with Ematol.

She's so interesting. Everything about her in this chapter is true. She's Klee's unofficial apprentice. She's reverse engineering Jumpty Dumpty. She's physically weak so, like Klee, she uses bombs. She tests experimental weapons. Invented sea mines. Designs bombs for engineering purposes and ambush. Refers to Albedo's students as Master Sucrose and Master Timaeus.

Oh... and yes. From her dialogue, she is a little crazy. She's very obsessed with explosives and has blown herself multiple times, with her colleagues not telling anything to Captain Albedo for some reason. Not only that. She came up with the idea of shaped charges!

Why is she only an event-exclusive NPC?

Anyways! I just want to say thank you all for following this story. It's been a great journey so far as a writer.

If ya'll don't mind buying me a coffee, support me at Ko Fi!

HattyCat