Another tranquil day in Mondstadt had begun.
I say tranquil, because so far certain individuals had not yet been awoken from their slumber.
Back in their residence, the IMPs were soundly sleeping after a few days of hysterical adventuring and killing. It was a dirty job, but if it was paid, someone had to do it.
Suddenly, an alarm clock shaped like a rooster with an erected penis went off, only for Blitzo punching it.
As that happened, Paimon raced to the kitchen and made some coffee, but she burned herself so she took the coffee back and set it on a desk and ran towards the IMPs rooms.
« Rise and shine, guys! » she exclaimed cheerfully, before playing several airhorns.
Blitzo violently opened the door as a response. « Again with the fucking airhorns?! »
« Don't blame Paimon! Blame these things! They're so fun to use! » Paimon cheekifully replied.
« I don't know whenever to feel proud or hatin' ya for this shit… » Blitzo groaned. In the meantime, everyone else had exited their rooms.
« Well, morning to you too, emergency food. So, what's on our to do list today? » Moxxie asked in a tired tone.
« Well, in the "to do list," you guys have to unfroze several boars, find some missing beacons, continue the search for ancient journals, » Paimon begun to read a really long list, before narrowing her eyes confused. « And "making a swastika out of Chili Churros guts visible from space and making a spiked electro vibrator from Futa's corpses?" »
« Actually scratch that. I was high on slime morphine when I wrote that shit down. » Blitzo replied.
« The Hilichurl one or the Fatui one? »
« Yes. »
« All right. Next, you have to carve a statue of the Fabulous knights getting curb stomped on the side of Dragonspine-»
« Nope! Kaeya paid us to make them look like Mount Rushmore or some shit. »
« What is Mount Rushmore? »
« Later. »
« A-anyway, then next on the list is just a series of war crimes and peace crimes on the local Hilichurl communities all around Mondstadt. »
« Let me guess. You scheduled us after lunch. » Loona groaned annoyed.
« Technically there is no order in this to do list. Paimon doesn't understand why you even have it! it's not like these missions will ever run out of time! » Paimon raised an eyebrow confused.
« Well, ya never know. Perhaps the Fabulous knights might evolve into somewhat competent creatures. I mean it's a slim chance, but better being prepared. » Blitzo casually replied.
« Well, it looks like it's gonna be hard work for you guys. You want me to cook breakfast again? »
Blitzo simply laughed, before turning serious. « No. Never again. »
« Oh, come on! Paimon wasn't that bad! » Paimon protested.
« Sure, why not? Maybe this time you can burn the milk! » Moxxie joked, gaining a laugh from everyone else except Paimon.
« Whatever. » Paimon pouted. « Anyway, are you sure you can handle Dragonspine? It's one of Mondstadt's most dangerous places! »
« Listen, we've been in that shithole once, I'm pretty sure we can handle a little bit of cold. » Blitzo casually replied.
« It's DRAGONSPINE! People literally freeze to death there! » Paimon shot back.
« Do we look like people to you? » Loona raised an eyebrow.
« And besides, if it was THAT dangerous, how come we haven't turned into icystickles so far? » Millie added.
« Well, perhaps you explored the safest part of the mountain! Paimon doesn't know! »
« Aw, look at emergency food caring about our safety…» Blitzo petted the small girl.
« Well of course I care! You are Paimon's friends! »
A general silence followed.
« Oh honey that's so sad you're making me cry a little….» Moxxie commented.
« Just be careful guys… »
« Oh, don't worry. We'll be fine! » Blitzo casually replied, as he and the gang exited the building.
Xxxxxxx
After a while, the group finally managed to reach Dragonspine.
As they climbed, they found one of their objectives: a frozen boar.
« Boss! We found one of the boars! » Moxxie exclaimed.
« Well that was easy! Millie! Ya know what to do! » Blitzo exclaimed.
« With pleasure! » Millie exclaimed, before slashing at the boar with her axe, unfreezing it.
« And emergency food said we couldn't handle it! » Blitzo smirked.
Well congratulations, Blitzo! Because that was just Danger Level Number 1!
« Wait, who's talking-»
Out of like 400!
Xxxxxxx
Seconds later, a horde of shielded Hilichurls charged at our heroes.
« Argh! »
Xxxxxxx
Then, 10000 Abyss Mages attacked.
« Help! »
Xxxxxxx
Then, the Fatui launched a major invasion against the IMPs
« No please! »
Xxxxxxx
And for good measure, all the golems in the mountain joined in.
« Stop it! »
Xxxxxxx
It was a long, arduous journey for the IMPs, who barely managed to perform their missions, they returned back home destroyed.
« So? How was Dragonspine? » Paimon asked.
« That wasn't as hard last time! » Moxxie whined.
« Well, they don't call it the most hardcore region of Teyvat for nothing! » Paimon smirked.
« Anyway, that's another shitty day done and more money made. Well, of to a well-deserved- »
Suddenly, however, Katheryne busted through the door in a hurry.
« IMPS! »
« I swear we didn't put those nuclear whoopie cushions in Jean's office! »
« What? »
« What? »
« A-anyway, we require your assistance immediately! » Katheryne exclaimed.
« Look, like, maybe another day-» Blitzo complained, before Katheryne snapped her fingers, two large thugs appearing out of nowhere, who in less than a second begun to haul hundreds of Mora bags towards the Imps, until the whole house was submerged by the bags.
« You daughter of a whore…. I'm in. » a muffled voice could be heard.
« Can't….breathe….»
Xxxxxxx
After removing the bags so that the group could have a conversation….
« So let me get this straight: this shithole of a world nearly had its own version of the dinosaur extinction, with hundreds if not thousands of meteorites dropping by uninvited, and whoever touches the meteorites goes in a coma? » Blitzo asked.
« That would be the retelling of the events, yes. » Katheryne replied.
« Whoa... That does sound serious...» Paimon commented.
« No shit sherlock, emergency food. How are we gonna get muneh from the people of Mondstadt if they're all stuck in a fucking coma? » Blitzo added.
« Truth be told, we have never encountered anything like this before. » Katheryne explained.
« Yeah, aren't meteorites, like, supposed to either cause a big fucking kaboom or disintegrate in contact with the atmosphere? » Loona asked.
« Maybe these don't… » Moxxie reasoned. « Anyway, are we supposed to do this alone? I mean I guess we have the hazard suits laying around…. »
« The Adventurers' Guild is currently stretched beyond capacity. We are relying on our members across the land to rally together and support the relief effort at this trying time. » Katheryne replied.
« I'm not even gonna ask how the Fabulous knights are handling the situation…. » Loona complained.
« Oh, who gives a shit! It means more money for us! » Blitzo shook Katheryne hand.
« I know my words will fall on deaf ears, but safety must come first... »
However, just as she said that, another person entered the building.
She had fair skin and blonde hair that extended to the middle of her back. Her visible eye was light green. Over her left eye, she wore an eyepatch that was almost entirely covered by her bangs.
Two sections of her hair were tied into side twin tails with black ribbons, the left of which was decorated with a bat wing pattern. The rest of her hair was left loose. Her eyepatch was black.
She wore a sleeveless black lace dress-like leotard with a black lace collar and purple bow tie, crosses stitched in, and black and violet tailcoats. Her Vision was tied to the back of this dress with a bat wing-style purple ribbon. Her upper back had a black tattoo of wings.
« Katheryne! Vassal of the Immernachtreich, do mine ears deceive me, or didst thou cry out mine holy name in earnest supplication not one moment ago? » the girl spoke in a solemn tone.
Before Katheryne could reply, Blitzo placed a hand on her shoulder, a confused look on his face shared with all the Imps in the room.
After a few seconds, the ground begun to inspect a makeshift library, whilst Aria sulla Quinta Corda played.
« I-Imps-»
« Silence, my child! We are in the process of finding ways of communication with this rare specimen of "Homo edgicus whorensis," a rare species found only here in the lands of Mondstadt…»
« She's just greeting you, my friends… » a raven on the girl's shoulder replied.
« Ah! Did that raven just speak!? » Paimon exclaimed.
« Uh, yeah! Duh! That's what crows do. »
« Raven. »
« Whatever. Who the hell are you? »
« You may call me the "Prinzessin der Verurteilung," sweet little mortals, but given your minimal intellect, I shall be generous, and allow you to call me Fischl. And this is my noble servant Oz. » the girl replied.
« Fishl it is. I don't speak Kraut. » Blitzo replied.
« No matter, my loyal subjects, for I see your faces are filled with fear and trepidation at the vile and villainous evils that once again seek, albeit in vain, to disturb the peace and tranquillity of our beloved Mondstadt. »
« Ya know, shithole wouldn't be so "evil" if the Flavour knights did their fucking job! » Blitzo commented.
« No matter, I have heard that the IMPs that have defeated the mighty Stormterror reside in this residence. May you guide us to such noble individuals, servants of the Imps? »
« Oh, yer speaking with them! » Blitzo grinned.
A short silence followed.
« Vassal of the Immernachtreich, I demand a conversation with your person at this instance! » Fischl said, getting a few meters of distance from the group to talk with Katheryne in private.
« Look Katheryne, I know our forces are spread thin and everything, but I think these guys are more trouble than anything. They're obviously unbelievably violent and dangerous, why don't we just cut our losses and handle the issue on our own for once? » Fischl whispered, having dropped her Prinzessin persona.
« Urgh, I know…but this is quite the conundrum, and they do get the job done. We're gonna need all the forces we can spare to deal with this issue. Let's just hope they're not gonna blow up Mondstadt in the process… »
« Ya know we can hear ya, ya German cunt! »
« W-whatever do you mean, noble Imps? » Fischl replied in a panic.
« Whatever. So what's the plan? » Blitzo asked annoyed.
« The Adventurers' Guild has so far been unable to ascertain the cause of the meteor shower, or the precise side effects of the meteorites. Hence, we recommend that adventurers travel at least in pairs for safety. » Katheryne explained.
« Heh. There's four of us, we should be able to handle it. »
« W-wait, noble Imps! » Fischl exclaimed.
« Ok, can't believe I'm saying it, but for fuck's sake, you dirty bitch! This is not the time to work the shaft, people are in danger! »
« I beg you pardon? »
« Oh I'm sorry, I, heh, I like to dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick! » Blitzo replied.
« Is it so hard to take this SERIOUSLY!? » Fischl exclaimed angrily.
« Oh, so am I. And I'm failing. And I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because these two anime bitches come to our house after a day in Dragonspine, demand us to deal with some meteorite bullshit, and now Irma Grese is trying to impress me like I'm her alcoholic father! »
« What mein Fräulein is trying to say is that she intends to momentarily join your forces to limit collateral damage- I MEANT to aid you with the meteorites! » Oz replied.
« Then why didn't you fucking say so!? » Moxxie asked angrily.
« I was in the very process of saying that! » Fischl replied.
« Well, ya snooze ya loose! » Blitzo replied.
« Also what's your deal with the whole misspelled Princess bit? Who the hell are you? » Millie asked.
« As she previously said, this young lady is my master, Princess Fischl. She hails from a world beyond known as Immernachtreich. I am mein Fräulein's humble familiar, Oz the Raven. »
Blitzo narrowed his eyes angrily. « Ya know the Abyss fucks say they are leaded by a Princess themselves…. »
« I…I can more than assure you that I have no affiliation with the vile Abyss Order! They are an enemy that I mineself swore to destroy to aid my humble servants! » Fischl replied.
« …Yeah, that checks out. Ya don't look shootable enough… » Blitzo replied.
« Hmph, blind to the glory of the Immernachtreich, realm of everlasting night... Though, one could hardly expect more from lowly demons... Hence, it is not blasphemy, but ignorance, that be the cause of this transgression. One will therefore show clemency. »
« Didntaskdontneeditgofuckyourself! » Blitzo casually replied, as he prepared his gear. « Anyway, enough TALKING about Kryptonite! Let's go KICKING the Kryptonite! »
« What's a Kryptonite? » Oz asked.
« Teyvat is no fun, isn't it? » Moxxie asked.
« Not when you're around…. » Katheryne mumbled angrily.
Xxxxxxx
After a few seconds on the Imps makeshift van, the group reached their destination, Springvale, the region affected by a meteorite and many people having collapsed on the floor.
« Well, here we are at Springvale. Sure didn't miss this shithole. » Blitzo commented annoyed.
« The situation looks even worse than we imagined. » Oz commented.
« Yeah, looks like the purge if the purge was made in a Total War game pre-Blood DLC… » Blitzo commented.
« Ring the bells, sound the trumpets, for the day of judgment is upon us! Rejoice, all ye who cry out for salvation, for the Prinzessin der Verurteilung has come! » Fischl exclaimed.
« ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!?» Blitzo exclaimed angrily.
« Way too much, sir. Way too much. » Moxxie added.
« I'm beginning to regret collaborating with you buffoons….» Oz commented.
« That's our company motto. » Loona commented sarcastically.
« Anyway, DRAFF! DRAFF! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! WE'RE HERE TO FIX YOUR SHIT! » Blitzo exclaimed.
« Both a curse and a blessing when you fuckers come to my village…» Draff replied, as he walked towards them.
« He almost talked like the Edgeprincess right here! »
« Anyway, can you give us more clues about what's going on? » Moxxie asked.
« Last night a meteorite fell from the sky. All the people you've seen on the floor made the mistake of touching the meteorites, so I implore you. Don't. Touch. Them. » Draff repliec.
« No promises! »
« Don't worry, sir. We have hazard suits with us, we should be able to handle the issue. Anything else? » Moxxie asked.
« Well, occasionally the victims sleep-talk. » Draff replied.
« Can't go on... n—need to rest...» a sleeping victim said weakly.
« JESUS CHRIST IT'S FREDDY KRUGER! » Blitzo pointed a massive shotgun at the sleeping man, before Oz got in the way.
« If I may, perhaps we can find a less violent solution to this conundrum! »
« Aw, but it's not raven season! »
« Implying that you would shoot me otherwise? »
« Yes! »
A short silence followed.
« So what are they dreaming about anyway? »
« All the victims said that they dreamed they were on top of a mountain, and it was very cold there. » Draff explained.
« So what, is everybody dreaming about being Beck Weathers? »
« This has the trappings of a cruel, cold curse by a mountain-dwelling demon... Alas! One fears these demons have descended from their icy peaks and now covet the domain of the spring fairy! » Fischl exclaimed.
« Urgh, whatever you say. We're gonna poke these fuckers with a stick until they recover or some shit, I don't fucking care. » Blitzo replied annoyed.
« Actually….would it be possible to make a request? Payment will be included, of course, you greedy sons of whores…» Draff asked.
« You had me at payment….»
« When one of the meteorites struck the hill behind our village, Allan told everyone he was going to go see it for himself... And then, sure enough, he just ran off. »
« …So why are we rescuing that moron when we have shit to do? »
« I dunno, reckless youth and all that talk… » Draff replied annoyed.
« Oh, all right, because you paid, we'll try to rescue the fucker. Don't blame me if we return him in pieces. » Blitzo smirked.
« Don't kill him. »
« Never said we were going to! »
«…Fair enough…. »
Xxxxxxx
After a while.
« There's the fucker! He's being gangraped by slimes! »
« The hour of judgement has come! The threads of your fate lie in my hands! » Fischl exclaimed.
« AND MY '50 MAGNUM! » Blitzo exclaimed, before leaping forward letting out a Xena war cry, shooting two Slimes, stabbing a third and punching a fourth to the stratosphere.
Before the last one could flee, it was crushed by a gigantic boulder by Loona.
« Oh thank Barbatos! I thought I was gonna die! » Allan exclaimed.
« Don't thank the femboy, you ungrateful fuck! Thank us! » Loona growled.
« You fool! What were you thinking, gallivanting off on your own at a time like this!? » Draff scolded the man.
« I—I'm sorry! I'll never do it again! » Alan apologized.
« Good! 'Cause otherwise, say goodbye to your ass and your balls! » Blitzo threatened the man.
« Anywhere, here's the meteorite. Not that impressive, it's just a purple turd…» Loona pointed at the meteorite.
« Okay, here's the space rock, so how do we handle-hey is the Kraut's Vision glowing? » Moxxie noted.
« Oh? Could it be, perchance, that mine Edelstein der Dunkelheit portends the certain demise of this unholy hex of cold? » Fischl pondered.
« What the hell does your Vision even react to? The Jews? »
« The profoundest of enigmas... the whispered secrets of the stars... unholy hexes of demon bones... and—» Fischl replied before being interrupted by Blitzo.
« OZ! Translate the Nazi! »
« I fear you misunderstand — I am no translator, but a humble conveyor of mein Fräulein's royal will. I would venture that what her Vision is reacting to in this vicinity is, quite simply, elemental energy. » Oz replied.
« Ahem, thank you, Oz. Those whose minds are muddled by the mundane matters of this woeful world are unable to fathom my noble intent as swiftly as thou art... »
« Uh. Sweet. You can track meteorites like a drug dog. That's convenient. » Loona noted.
« Anyway, now that we have a meteorite detector, let's find the shit of these meteorites! » Blitzo exclaimed.
Xxxxxxx
After a while, the group had found all the meteorites shards in the area, and prepared to deal with them.
Having created a huge box where to store them, they tossed all the meteorites in said box, and then tossed 40000 mini nukes inside, before closing the box.
And with that, the meteorites were shattered by the huge explosion, alongside a small portion of Springvale.
« Well that's that. Hope we didn't have to sacrifice the mini nukes for nothing! » Blitzo exclaimed.
« The question is, are these shards of meteorite, which are infused with elemental energy, the true source of the calamity, or not? » pondered.
« Verily, I say, these meteorites are surely the source of the nefarious nightmares that assail my subjects! This I swear on my very sovereignty. » Fischl replied.
« Well, only one way to find out…» Blitzo replied. « HEY DRAFF! IS EVERYBODY FINALLY AWAKE!? »
« Looks like it! Thanks to your efforts, the victims have already awoken. » Draff replied.
« Well that was easy! » Blitzo exclaimed.
« This is wonderful news, it gladdens the heart. » Oz added.
« Haha, it is most gladdening, indeed. Yet the news that I would be attending to this matter in person was surely the only guarantee that my faithful subjects ever needed of a felicitous outcome! » Fischl replied.
« Hey shitface! The hell were you dreaming about? We head you mumbling about K2 or some shit! » Blitzo asked one of the victims.
« All I remember is that it was cold... I was walking along a mountain path... In the ice and snow, I think... » the man replied.
« Anything else? » Moxxie asked.
« Ah, I really don't know... In my dream, it felt like... I wasn't in full control of my actions. » the man replied.
« Anyway, enough fancy Nazi talks and PTSD right now! It's meteorite finding time montage! » Blitzo exclaimed.
Xxxxxxx
5 fucking hours later.
« HOW MANY OF THESE FUCKING THINGS ARE THERE !?» Blitzo exclaimed angrily, as he collected yet another meteorite shard.
« The seeds of nefarious nightmares appear to have taken firm root... Though my magic arrow of midnight and your moon shards of hellfire purge them in an instant, they return with a vengeance… Hmph, it would make a mockery of the majesty of the Prinzessin der Verurteilung!»
« Indeed, mein Fräulein. Despite our best efforts to dispose of the meteorites, they continue to fall relentlessly in each corner of your domain, in which case, I fear... » Oz added.
« The sky is shitting them out like it had Buffalo Wings or something! » Loona continued.
« There must be a better way! We've been nuking meteorite shards for hours! » Millie exclaimed desperate.
« AND we're running out of mini nukes! » Moxxie added.
« I, Fischl von Luftschloss Narfidort, have traversed a thousand worlds — and yet, never have I faced such a formidable foe. » Fischl pondered. « This menace is neither monster nor magic... It is a curse, a curse has been placed upon the mortal realm. »
« What, like some sort of Voodoo shit or whatever? » Blitzo asked.
« Such a foul curse could only arise because of the continuous cries of unanswered longing, lost amidst the unpredictability and impermanence of fate... » Fischl replied.
« How very tragic. Is this the inevitable fate of mankind? It grieves me greatly, no matter how many times I hear of it. » Oz added.
« Oh, ya worry too much. Humans are like cockroaches, you kill one million, 9000 quatrillions are born to replace them in a minute. » Blitzo casually replied. « What we do know is that these meteorites are part of some voodoo shit or whatever. »
« Were they not a curse upon humanity, why then should they send humans into slumber? To be lost twixt life and death in an unending dream... 'tis the most dreadful fate imaginable for any living being. » Fischl replied.
« Yeah, comas are a bitch, all right… » Loona commented.
« We must underestimate the magnitude of this matter no more! I fear this sinister force can withstand even the sum of all our power combined. » Fischl replied. « Traveler, fetch me the one fated to face this fearsome foe! »
« What, ya need a fucking tapir or some shit? » Blitzo asked.
« Mein Fräulein is one of the opinion that one with the requisite expertise should be summoned to deal with the matter. She wonders if you know of any persons skilled in the undoing of curses? » Oz replied.
« ….Well, to Katheryne it is! »
Xxxxxxx
Back in Mondstadt, the group had reached the Adventurer's Guild headquarters.
« Katheryne, the hour of destiny is upon you! I have invoked the sacred covenant between us, and now you must respond to the call. » Fischl demanded.
« Let me see... Are you saying you require an assistant? » Katheryne asked.
« Apparently…» Blitzo shrugged his shoulders.
« Know anyone with expertise in curses or dark magic? » Moxxie asked.
« Unfortunately not. Though I do know of an astrologist. » Katheryne replied. « As it happens, the traveling astrologist Mona is currently in Mondstadt. Do you know her? »
« Well I know the Mona Lisa….does that help? » Moxxie asked.
« Never mind. Please wait here a moment, I will see if she is available. » Katheryne replied.
A moment later….
« Katheryne, you seem frantic. What's the matter? » a girl asked.
She had fair skin, pale sea green eyes, and waist-length dark purple hair that turned slightly red at the ends. Her fringe was uneven.
Her hair was tied up with black ribbons into two twin tails with two gold compass rose ornaments clamped onto the tips. Her accessories consisted of a gold earring that resembled a compass rose on her left ear, a black choker necklace adorned with another gold compass rose, a gold ornament on her right thigh, and a large blue-purple witch hat, adorned with gold compass rose decals and ornaments.
She wore a low-cut blue-purple backless leotard with a detached blue-purple sleeves on her forearms and black gloves, along with a short blue-purple cloak, buttoned with a gold compass rose ornament hanging above her chest. Her Vision was mounted on the back of her cloak. She wore black translucent tights decorated with four-pointed stars on her left thigh.
« Mona, I'd like to introduce you to some adventurers from the Guild. They've run into some problems and were hoping that you, with your astrological abilities, may be able to resolve them. » Katheryne explained.
« Were they now? Good call. I'm pleasantly surprised that they've heard of the astrologist of the century! » Mona noted. « So, you must be the ones who needed my help? »
« 'Sup. » Blitzo casually said.
« Come on then, give me the lowdown. I may be willing to offer my skills — it all depends on the situation. » Mona replied. « Astrology is an ancient and mysterious art. If your problem is a banal one, you can count me out, as I have better things to do. »
« Well it all started when the sky shat out some rocks….. »
Xxxxxxx
Five minutes later.
« And now the fucking things are all over the place! » Blitzo finished his explanation.
« And all of this was caused by the meteor shower... This I was not expecting. » Mona noted.
« The darkness consumes every corner of the land... And in fading twilight, only the prinzessin and her retinue still stand... » Fischl explained.
« Ms. Mona, your means are most crucial to our ends. » Oz translated.
« Huh? Are you all together, then? » Mona asked.
« For the moment, yeah. » Loona replied.
« So. The goal here is to get all the sleepers to wake up. Am I right? » Mona presumed.
« I mean good luck there, honey. We tried with the nuclear vuvuzela and that shit didn't work…» Blitzo commented.
« How come so much of your equipment is "nuclear"? » Oz asked.
« Yeah, surprisingly Mondstadt is essentially sitting on a never-ending uranium deposit. At this point is cheaper to arm our machine guns with Fatmen rather than normal bullets…» Moxxie replied.
« Okay…..ignoring what you just said…I….I'll lend you a hand….» Mona replied. « First things first, though, we need to get out of the city. There's too much magical disturbance here... Let's head somewhere where the ley line flow is a little smoother. » she then continued. « Seriously, what the fuck is Uranium…. »
Xxxxxxx
After a while….
« Wide open space... clear sky... » Mona mumbled. « This will do nicely. I will now begin the process of hydromancy. Stay back, and do not impede my vision. »
As she said that, she used her Hydro magic to perform a ritual.
« Okay, that was cool…» Loona noted.
« O, astral emissary, have thine eyes now discerned the secrets of the stars? » Fischl asked.
« Hey Mona! The fuck did you just see? » Blitzo translated.
« How strange... I've never seen this before. » Mona commented. « The divination shows that these meteorites came from someone's constellation. »
« What, like the birth constellation or some shit? That shit doesn't count in astrology, or at least in this case. » Blitzo commented annoyed.
« That's what most people tend to think. But I've studied astrology for a very long time, and I know a few things about them that you might not. » Mona explained. « The stars that make up a constellation — the Stella Fortuna — are genuine celestial bodies in the depths of space. They are not simply notional. The strange thing is that they turned into meteors suddenly, and fell from the sky... Why this happened I am not yet sure. In need some time. »
« A curse! A wretched curse, I say! » Fischl exclaimed.
« A curse!? » Mona exclaimed shocked.
« I, too, have journeyed to the stars, gazed beyond the veil of darkness, and glimpsed a shed of the truth... There, I saw a world cursed by human malice... » Fischl explained. « Only one who died the most agonizing of deaths could leave behind such a vengeful spirit... »
« Vengeful spirits, huh? » Blitzo pondered. « Girls…where's the nearest cemetery? »
Xxxxxxx
Five nanoseconds later, at the Mondstadt cemetery, the group busted the main door with an explosion, before Blitzo pointed a shotgun at a grave.
« WHY DID YOU SEND THESE COMETEORITES, YOU DEAD PIECE OF SHIT!?»
« Huh. Cometeorites. Coma meteorites. Clever. » Moxxie commented.
« Whilst I do comprehend your strategy for once, I do believe that none of the poor souls that reside here feel even a percentage of the pain the one responsible for this curse has endured for such atrocious curse on this world…» Fischl intervened.
« Then why didn't you say it so? » Moxxie asked.
« We…kinda just…warped here….» Mona replied.
« Fair enough. What now? » Blitzo asked.
« With my astrolabe, I have ascertained the trajectory of fate. Next, I'll calculate the locations of the fallen meteorites for you. » Mona replied.
« Something tells me it's going to be a pain in the ass… » Moxxie commented.
Xxxxxxx
One hour later, the Imps, Fischl and Oz were casually strolling in a path, Blitzo casually whistling as he was pushing a cart full of meteorites.
« Oh hey guys! Found more meteorites, I assume…» a voice belonging to Mona called them.
« You bet! Found anything interesting while you were away? »
« Remember how I was saying that the meteorites belonged to someone's constellation? Theoretically, it's not possible for stars that are goodness knows how many light-years away to suddenly turn into meteors and fall out of the sky. But, however paradoxical it may be, this is the reality. » Mona explained. « If we want to get to the bottom of this, the best way is to find out whose constellation it was. »
« Well in every village we've been so far everybody said something about a ice capped mountain…. » Blitzo replied.
« Ice-capped Mountain? Is that all? » Mona asked.
« Yup. And for some god damned reason, they are all forced to try and climb to the summit. » Moxxie replied.
« Climb the mountain? To the summit? » Mona asked. « What sort of person would wish to reach the summit of that mountain? And how is their desire strong enough to exert an influence on others? »
« Perchance some poor soul lies there, buried in the snow, hounded to death on the mountain? » Fischl pondered.
« Or... Some intrepid explorer was exceptionally keen to conquer that mountain. » Oz pondered.
« I'll do another reading! » Mona exclaimed, before doing another ritual.
Then, after a few seconds…
« Aha! I see something here... It's a little vague but I think I can get his name... Ah, yes! "Leonard"! » Mona exclaimed.
« Do you have any idea how little that narrows it down? » Blitzo asked annoyed.
« Yes, that sound like quite the conundrum…» a voice called the group.
It belonged to a young man, with a slender figure and a beautiful face. He was short with indigo hair that covered his ears, as well as indigo eyes with bold red eyeliner.
His attire consisted of black shorts and black sandals, and a large hat with four upwards-curving hooks along the circumference, and what seemed to be his mask on the centre. Two ornamental accessories, the uppermost being plum blossom-patterned bells and the lowermost resembling bachi plectrums, hanged from red threads attached to the back of his hat. At the back of his hat hanged a translucent black veil separated into two, with a character on it and ombré brown swirls near the bottom. He wore a short-sleeved shirt with a crest resembling the Electro symbol on it, as well as a purple checkered pouch on his back.
« Uh, who the fuck are you, shortie? » Blitzo asked.
« Someone very interested in those meteorites of yours. » the man grinned, before several Fatui agents entered the scene.
« Oh shit it's the Futas! Do not let them access any of your holes! » Blitzo pointed a shotgun at the group, before Mona teleported them away in a water bubble.
The Fatui just stood there confused.
« Okay so does anybody know what the fuck a Futa is? »
« Have you tried asking Dottore, Ser Scaramouche? »
« You do that. I'm not that curious. »
Xxxxxxx
Meanwhile, away from the Fatui…
« Any junior fortune-teller could have told you this, but... That man was a Fatui Harbinger! » Mona exclaimed.
« Okay, are the Futas recruiting children now? Not the first time the Ruskie do that…» Blitzo commented.
« The fuck is a Ruskie-Urgh, never mind. He is an extremely powerful individual! I sensed it the moment I looked at him. He's far more powerful than you'd imagine. » Mona explained.
« Really? Him. The kid. A force of nature. What is he gonna do, nibble our knees? » Loona asked annoyed.
« Oh, God damn it! the Futas are summoning the meteorites now! Fucking Molotov again with his bread baskets! » Blitzo complained.
« Ok, first, it's FATUI, not FUTAS! Second, what in the Seven's name are Futas and Molotov!? And third, that was my line! Get your own! »
« How did they even do it in the first place? » Millie asked.
« Ozvaldo Hrafnavines, what is thy opinion? » Fischl asked her companion.
« I think that anything is possible, mein Fräulein. » Oz replied.
« So long as they can afford to pay the price, they will never stop sowing their seeds of destruction across the land... Fatui, your sins shall not go unremembered. »
« I also believe that miracles can happen. »
Fischl then turned towards the Imps. « Noble Imps, you have performed admirably as a member of my retinue. I will dispatch my forces to protect you, and they will ensure that the encroaching darkness shall bring you no harm. »
« She means me. » Oz translated.
« Nah, we're fine. We're in no need of the Ghost Division, but thanks none the less! » Moxxie thanked the girl.
« You underestimate me, Fischl! I'm far stronger than you seem to think. » Mona added.
« Mein Fräulein trusts no one more than yourself, my lady, she is simply concerned for your well-being. » Oz replied.
« Look, we'll be fine! We've dealt with Stormfuck before, the kid won't be an issue. » Blitzo reassured the raven.
« For now, we must deal with the new threat. My astrolabe tells me that a new meteorite has landed, and it's the biggest one yet. » Mona explained.
« But are we gonna get there before the Futas? Something tells me you got us miles away from the meteorite! » Loona exclaimed.
« Uh…Hehehe….Yeah…about that…» Mona laughed nervously.
« Not to worry! That white suited fuck that made the ad for us gave me a few lessons! » Blitzo exclaimed.
Xxxxxxx
Five nanoseconds later.
« Hurry up you lot! We need to get to the meteorite before those psychopaths! » Scaramouche exclaimed as he raced for the meteorite with the Fatui.
« Yes si-wait what are those? » a Fatui agent noticed something walking on the path.
They were mechanical copies of the Imps, Fischl, Oz and Mona casually walking on the main path.
Whilst their look were half decent, their voices and behaviour were not.
Robo-Blitzo kept on making sex jokes, Robo-Moxxie kept on complaining, Robo-Millie acted like a redneck, Robo-Loona just looked at a poorly built smartphone, Robo-Fischl was just Downfall Hitler voicelines on a loop, Robo-Oz simply translated such lines with a text-to-speech tone, and Robo-Mona just used Merasmus voicelines.
The Fatui looked at the group in pity.
« Did….did they think we'd fall for that? » an agent asked concerned.
« ….Oh that's just sad… » Scaramouche commented in a pitiful tone.
« S-should we give them a hug when we find the real ones? » another agent asked.
« I…I think it's for the best. Seriously is that what they see in themselves? They're not just that! » another agent replied.
« Yeah! I kinda like the real astrology chick! » Scaramouche added.
« What? »
« What? »
Meanwhile, behind the Fatui….
« I can't believe that worked! » Oz commented.
« Call them monsters all you want! They still pity some people! » Blitzo grinned.
« You know, that Harbinger is not half bad either…» Mona commented.
« What? »
« What? »
Xxxxxxx
Five minutes later, the group once again nuked the meteorite, shattering and destroying it.
« Well, that's that. What now? » Blitzo asked.
« The time has finally come. Though it brings mein Fräulein no joy to do so, there is something she must announce to the assembled populous. » Oz declared.
« What? » Blitzo asked.
« My loyal servants, one must bid you adieu till such time as I beckon you once more. Though we have faced many trials and tribulations together, you have all shown commendable courage in the course of duty. I feel a breeze now blows upon this place... and I feel that it blows in your honour. » Fischl explained.
« Let me guess, busy with princess stuff? » Blitzo asked.
« With the arrival of this giant meteorite, many more people have succumbed to the slumber. Strong as the soldiers may be, they are struggling to cope, and there is demand for volunteers everywhere we turn. » Oz explained. « Mein Fräulein and I shall tend to the victims on the soldiers' behalf. The rest of this investigation we place in your capable hands. »
« Fair point. Have fun Princessing! » Blitzo exclaimed.
« And people call me weird…. » Fischl mumbled as she walked off with Oz.
« Well, now we're two people short. » Mona sighed.
« Meh. We should be able to handle this shit. » Blitzo replied.
« The good news is, I've found something else out. » Mona continued. « I shaved some dust off the meteorite and used it to do another reading. »
« So what, did you snort cometeorite dust? » Loona asked.
« Ignoring what you just said…. these rocks have been around for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years. Leonard must have lived a very long time ago. » Mona explained. « The meteorites carry his will, and can pass it on others. In other words, centuries on from Leonard's life, and the strength of his will has not diminished one bit. A guy from the distant past with a burning ambition to scale the highest mountain... I'd be willing to bet that he was an adventurer, just like you guys. »
« Why is every god damned adventurer in this shithole obsessed with mountain climbing? » Blitzo asked annoyed.
« Our approach so far has been too passive, and time has been against us every step of the way. We need to change our strategy, and we need to attack this problem at its source. »
« Guess it's time to kick this Leonard guy ass! »
« Yes... Because if the meteorites carry Leonard's will with them, then it's precisely as Fischl said: the rocks are, in a sense, a curse...» Mona reasoned. « I'm a little incredulous, but it turns out her blind guess was actually spot on... Ugh, no, I'm a respectable astrologist, and I shouldn't stoop to that kind of criticism. »
« Well, since this shithead was an Adventurer, let's go back to Katheryne to see if they have any records on the fucker. » Blitzo planned.
« By the way Mona, do you think you can teach me some Astrology and Hydrology trick after we're done with this? » Moxxie asked.
« Not now, but if you ever visit Liyue, I surely can! » Mona replied.
« Give it a chapter or two….» Moxxie replied.
Xxxxxxx
Back in Mondstadt.
« Hey Kat! Any information on a Leonard fuck? » Blitzo asked.
« Our records show that there have been many adventurers by that name over the years, it is impossible to know which one you refer to. » Katheryne replied, before handing a book to the group. « However, there is this book that was written by Leonard. Perhaps you should give it a look? Also, if you ever visit Liyue, would you mind visit the Adventurer Guild there and give it this letter? »
« That will do, and I'm sure Moxxie will… » Blitzo replied, as he analysed the book, only to be disappointed. « Oh god damn it! How the fuck am I supposed to read this shit!? »
« Don't worry, I, Mona, progenitor of the future of astrology, should be able to handle this. » Mona replied, as she analysed the book.
After a while….
« Phew! Finished at last... »
« So what does the book say? » Blitzo asked.
« Just as I thought, Leonard was an adventurer who lived two thousand years ago. » Mona explained. « His lifelong dream was to reach the summit of a mountain called Pilos Peak. »
« Wait, 2000 years ago? How the hell is this even possible!? » Moxxie asked.
« Somehow, for some reason, this constellation was summoned down from the sky. I suspect that the Fatui have something to do with that part. » Mona replied.
« Because the Futas are the C.E.O. of ruining everyone's shit apparently…» Blitzo commented.
« The meteorites harbour elemental energy, which radiates out and lulls people to sleep by some means akin to hypnosis. » Mona explained. « And if I'm guessing correctly, there should be some sort of core meteorite among the bunch, within which is a crystal that harbours Leonard's spirit.»
« And you know where that fucker is? »
« Well, if I were Leonard, I would want to make sure the core lands right on the snowy summit that I never made it to while I was alive. »
« And where the fuck is this Pilos shit? »
« It's the first I'd heard of it too, so I compared the map from the book against the current topography of Mondstadt. Apparently, Pilos Peak no longer exists. »
« Jeez….erosion works quickly around here….» Moxxie commented.
« I once read somewhere that the Anemo Archon, Barbatos, once used his divine power to mobilize the winds and blow the ice and snow from the face of the earth. The whole landscape of Mondstadt was changed in the process. The mountains of that age were replaced by the vast stretch of ocean we see today. Still, a mountain that high? Drop it into the ocean and it'll still leave a trace. » Mona explained. « The summit still reaches just above the water's surface. So, the place known as Pilos Peak in Leonard's day is today known as "Musk Reef." »
Blitzo loaded his shotgun ready for battle. « It's time to go Reef hunting! »
Xxxxxxx
After a while, the group reached their destination.
« So this is Pilos Peak? Man, that's a disappointing sight…» Moxxie commented.
« Wait…I see someone….he looks like- »
« HOLY SHIT IT'S THE FUTA BOSS! » Blitzo pointed his shotgun at the man, Scaramouche.
«Ugh... Huh? You again? » Scaramouche asked annoyed. « Okay, first, IT'S FATUI! F-A-T-U-I! Seriously, what the fuck even is a Futa?! »
« Hot chick with a knob down there. » Blitzo replied.
« …You're disgusting. AND you also need therapy. Seriously, I'm willing to pay, it's disturbing. » Scaramouche replied.
« Uh. That's surprisingly nice. » Moxxie noted.
« THIRD….where is the girl with the raven? »
« She's back home Princessing I guess… » Loona replied.
« I'm not even gonna ask…»
« Also what the hell happened to you? You look like Stolas in the Monday! » Blitzo commented.
« Could it be…you managed to extricate yourself from the dream on your own strength? How is that possible? » Mona asked incredulous.
« Hah! Just because you are powerless to do something does not mean that I am. » Scaramouche mocked the girl. « You're too late, anyway. I've finished my research. »
« Whatever. What are ya Ruskies even doing!? » Blitzo asked annoyed.
« Save it. No more fun and games for me today. I'll come for you when I'm good and ready. » Scaramouche casually replied.
« Seriously, what the fuck are you doing!? » Blitzo angrily asked.
« You entered the dream they've all been having, didn't you? How much do you know about Leonard? » Mona asked.
« Leonard? Who's Leonard? ...Ugh, whatever! I have bigger fish to fry! » Scaramouche replied. « I've discovered something far more important... and far more terrifying. »
« What? » Blitzo asked.
« The stars, the sky... It's all a gigantic hoax. A lie. » Scaramouche replied.
A short silence followed.
« Hey surprisingly nice fuckface, the flatearther clan is the other way to the other shithole! » Blitzo replied annoyed.
« Hah... Hahahahaha! Oh, you are so naive, it kills me! » Scaramouche laughed out loud. « Still... Can't really blame you. After all, I used to believe the same thing myself — up until a few moments ago, that is...»
« A few moments ago? You mean...» Mona pondered.
« Look — I really don't have the time to do this right now. What was the Jester thinking? He must have had some inkling of what we might discover on this mission... Would it really have been so difficult to give me a little forewarning? Hmph, or maybe he just wanted to give me a fright... » Scaramouche replied. « Time for me to go out and find the truth. So long, suckers! Also again, make sure to visit a therapist, it's for your own good…»
Then, Scaramouche fled, as a group of Fatui agents arrived to deal with the Imps.
« Okay. That's it! I HAVE IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING METEORITES AND FATUI, ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING WORLD! » Blitzo shouted angrily, as he pulled out a massive rocket launcher, pointing at the island.
As he fired, a good portion of the island was destroyed, Fatui agents with them.
« Finally! It's fucking done! » Blitzo exclaimed.
« Well, I guess that's that….Are massive explosions common in your adventures? » Mona asked.
« Have you heard of Dadaupa Gorge? » Blitzo asked.
« You mean Dadaupa Crater-Oh. Oooooooooohhhhhhhh…. » Mona realized. « Well I guess there's worse. At least you're not like that Fischl girl. Seriously, what's wrong with her? »
« I dunno…She's probably mentally insane. Insane enough to be right, to be fair…» Loona commented.
« You may well be right. » Mona replied.
« Still, can't believe it only took 2000 years to sink a titanic mountain to the sea…» Moxxie commented.
« A mountain of yesteryear now sits as an island in the sea. Almost anyone from Mondstadt could reach it now, just by jumping in a boat. » Mona explained.
« I mean what's left of it…» Blitzo commented, as he saw the condition the island was in.
« Meh. Good enough…. » Mona replied.
« Anyway, shit has been dealt with, we're gonna get paid, we're going home. » Blitzo replied annoyed. « GOD what a day! »
Xxxxxxx
After a while, the Imps reached their home.
« Hey guys! How did your meteorite mission go? » Paimon asked.
« Other than the pay, god what a day. We need a god damned rest! »
« Wait! Before you go, Paimon thinks she has some very important information's about other demons! » Paimon exclaimed.
« Urgh, what could be so important to stop our well-deserved rest? » Blitzo asked annoyed.
« W-well…. wasn't there that one place where all good demons went you told me about? »
Blitzo raised an eyebrow intrigued. « Well, what about it? »
« Well it's just…apparently there's this place, "Harzbin Hotel", which has been stranded in Liyue Harbour…. » Paimon explained.
The IMPs just stared at her eyes wide.
« WHAT HAS STRANDED-»
Xxxxxxx
End of the Unreconciled Stars Special.
Many thanks to Inanna for many of the suggestions for this chapter.
I hope you enjoy this new chapter! Please review so I can know your opinion. I'm willing to accept suggestions for what is going to happen, so stay tuned! Also, remember to like and follow, if you want!
See you to the next update!