I had some emotions I needed to process this past weekend - I am sorry to everyone concerned that I do that through writing. Special thanks to Moonpigeon90, who kindly read this story in advance. Without her, I would probably never have posted it! 3
I can't love you back to life, but I can live your love
'Sirius, is something the matter?'
Albus Dumbledore had already crossed the threshold and was standing in the damp, dark hall that was the sorry entrance to 12 Grimmauld Place.
But Sirius couldn't go inside.
He had known from the start that it had been a terrible idea to offer the place up as the headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix. Now Dumbledore was here, it would be too late to go back, and yet Sirius could not go forward.
When Sirius ran away, he had sworn never to set foot inside that cursed house. And yet, in 1979 he had foolishly returned on his mother's request. No doubt it was the shock of Regulus' death that had made Sirius believe he should obey his mother's instructions. All these years later, Sirius still could not tell if it was to punish his mother - to show her that he was still alive - or to prove to himself that she had no power over him, that he'd turned up.
But back then he had been fortunate enough - no, blessed (Merlin, he's been so blessed) - to have a real brother, who had not let him face this place alone. Sirius had shouted at James, pushed him away, both physically and with words, but James had followed him to Sirius' old family home, refusing to leave Sirius alone.
James had promised never to let Sirius face his family and this horrible place without him. James never broke his promises.
Yet this was a promise he could not keep.
What did it matter? Sirius had broken his promises to James. Had Sirius not promised only a year later to keep Harry safe, to take care of Harry should anything happen to Lily and James? He had failed them, and he did not have death as an excuse. Harry had suffered - was still suffering - at the hands of his so-called aunt and uncle.
As for being safe, despite Sirius' best efforts, it was only Harry's own doing that had saved the boy from Voldemort once more. Harry's doing, and - Sirius felt a stabbing pain in his chest - the echoes of Lily and his best friend. Because even after they had passed, James and Lily still fought to protect their son.
Was it selfish that Sirius wished James could do as much for him? Sirius had failed his best friend in every possible way, and yet all he could think of was how alone he was without James. How he wished James could have kept his promise to Sirius.
James had been dead for so long, but with every place Sirius revisited for the first time since James' death, with every Order member he had seen over the past few weeks, it felt as if someone ripped his heart out all over. There was a James-sized gap everywhere; even here on the steps of what had been Sirius' childhood prison.
'He swore he'd never let me face this place alone,' Sirius whispered, feeling far younger than 35.
'James?' Dumbledore asked quietly, his piercing blue eyes filled with kindness.
Sirius and Dumbledore had had a turbulent relationship through the years, to put it mildly. But in that moment, Sirius just needed someone who knew James. Someone who could understand why a world with James Potter was no world at all.
'Sirius, how long is it since you cast a Patronus?'
'Not since I had a wand,' Sirius answered, surprised at the question. It was the easier way of saying "not since the world lost its meaning".
'Ah, we do need to get you a wand, don't we,' Albus Dumbledore agreed. 'For this, however, you can borrow mine.'
Sirius stared at the wand in his former Headmaster's hand. Dumbledore couldn't be serious.
'What -?'
'I want you to cast your Patronus. Hope is a wonderful thing when we face the darkest of battles.'
'I can't.'
Sirius had no happy memories.
It wasn't Azkaban that had taken them away - they had already been stolen and destroyed by the traitor Peter Pettigrew.
How could Sirius think of any aspect of his time at school without feeling sick to the stomach that the boy he had once known had turned against all his friends? As for the time in the Order, there hadn't been many occasions that served to produce happy memories. The few glimmers of light that had existed always included James and Lily - together - hopeful, alive, in love. And then even that light faded - they had been terrified, faced with the knowledge that Voldemort was after their family… before finally, they were lying still, eyes wide open and unseeing. Beyond reach. Gone.
How could Sirius think back at their wedding and feel happy when all he saw was the life they could have had – the life they deserved? A life they would never know.
As for Harry, the only thing that still made sense, he was still too much of James - and yet not enough - to give Sirius the happy memory he needed.
'My wand is a special wand,' Dumbledore said with a quiet insistence, 'I think a moderately happy memory should do the trick.'
Sirius took the wand, wondering how many people had ever had the chance to borrow Dumbledore's wand.
Twirling the wand in his hand, Sirius tried to cast his mind back to find a happy memory. The irony wasn't lost on him: the jokester, trouble-maker and adventurer Sirius Black could not find a happy memory? He had been so happy at Hogwarts, happy as long as James had been alive and well. Yet, with one devastating action, Peter had tainted the best part of Sirius' life.
He should have killed that rat when he had the chance.
Hatred won't do, Sirius thought. But there wasn't much else left. He was full of longing, grief and hatred.
Sirius was at the point of giving Dumbledore back the wand when he found the memory he needed.
It wasn't anything special - it was so ordinary and so true to James' memory that Sirius was confident he could cast the spell successfully.
The two of them were flying over the Black Lake, James looking as happy and at ease as he always did on a broom and the weather was unusually good for a late autumn's day. The leaves had mostly fallen off the trees, but the ground was still colourful, draped in a multicoloured blanket.
As they neared the shore, James did a great big loop next to Sirius, shouting with pleasure, before he lunged and pushed them both off their brooms. They hit the freezing water and Sirius, having been caught off guard, struggled to find his bearing.
James was already swimming back to the shore, turning back to look at Sirius, face full of mischief.
'I'm going to kill you, P-Potter!' Sirius shouted after his friend, though as he was freezing cold and out of breath, he wasn't even sure James had heard him.
'I've told you, cold water swimming is good for you,' James said as he dried himself with his wand. 'Even better if you're not being held down by your robes, but this does the job.'
'And I said I don't bloody care,' Sirius said, shivering as he took out his own wand.
James summoned the brooms while he listed to all the hexes Sirius intended to use on him.
'Let's go,' James said as soon as Sirius was dry, holding out Sirius' broom as if they had merely stopped to enjoy the view.
Looking at his best friend, Sirius had forgotten the long list of jinxes intended to discourage his friend from repeating anything like that. Instead, Sirius jumped on his broom and followed James.
And that had been life at Hogwarts with James Potter. It had been fast paced, unexpected and full of life.
The Patronus bursts out of Dumbledore's wand as Sirius cast the spell. The dog was taller than Sirius remembered, slimmer, had antlers…
'Prongs,' Sirius gasped, as he took in the painfully familiar view.
The stag, his stag, stepped over the threshold and walked into the hallway. It waited for him, beside Dumbledore.
Sirius could finally cross the threshold.
It was a good thing he had Prongs by his side, because once inside, he was left to face his mother's miserable portrait.
/
'How did you know?' Sirius asked Dumbledore, sitting in the kitchen a little later. 'My Patronus used to be Padfoot, but you knew it was Prongs before I did.'
'My dear Sirius,' Dumbledore said, 'nobody, not even Harry, carries James with them the way you do.'
'I can't let go,' Sirius said to his hands.
Sirius wasn't sure if he wanted to let go of the grief if he could, but it didn't matter. He could no more stop longing for his best friend than he could stop breathing.
It didn't surprise him that he confessed this to Dumbledore. There was nobody else. His earliest and closest confidant was gone.
Sirius couldn't very well tell Remus that despite the fact that Sirius loved him; was eternally grateful that he still had Remus; that he was still alive, it was James Sirius needed. As for Harry, well, what was Sirius' loss to that of a boy that had lost both his parents, especially when those parents would have given him the best childhood a child could hope for?
'Then don't,' Dumbledore said. 'But if you're going to hold on, remember to hold on to the good parts.'
But it was the good parts that hurt the most. How could Dumbledore not see that? Remembering how full of life James had been, how happy he had made others, Sirius included, it was all Sirius could do not to scream. It hurt like no curse could, and it was more soul crushing than this house and Azkaban put together. Because Sirius knew - knew so damn well - that he would never know such happiness again.
It wasn't just a feeling. James had been his other half; when he had found him, he'd found himself and when he had lost him, he had lost everything. Everything except the part of James his friend had left behind: Harry.
'You don't have to remember him with happiness,' Dumbledore said when Sirius remained silent, correctly guessing Sirius' thoughts.
'Remember James with love. It is far kinder to his memory and far more manageable for you. While love is a strong antidote to misery and loneliness, it does not require happiness nor company. It was your love for James that made you turn an ordinary memory into an extraordinary one. It was love that brought him to you when you most needed him. Not just tonight. You escaped Azkaban to save his son and seek justice for James - it could not have been happiness that drove you into action - not in Azkaban.'
'It was a desire for revenge,' Sirius said. 'Not love.'
'And why did you desire revenge? Love, Sirius.'
'I just wish he was here.'
'But he is. I suspect you see him everywhere.'
'Just a gap where he should have been.'
'And what have you done with that?'
'Sorry?'
'You might not have noticed it, it's harder to see the change in ourselves sometimes, but you're a lot more like James now than you were fourteen years ago. You've taken on a fatherly role for Harry, you've taken over James' role to support Remus financially - he told me you've invited him to stay here,' Dumbledore added.
Well, of course Sirius had.
'You're calmer, Sirius,' Dumbledore continued, 'more mature, and forgive me, but this is a conversation that is far more reminiscent of conversations I've had with James than you.'
'I…' Sirius didn't know what to say. 'I never tried to take James' place.'
'I'm not suggesting that you have. But in wanting to carry out his wishes, to ensure that his loss is not felt too strongly by those you both cared about - Harry, Remus, even the Order - you have taken on his legacy. As I told you just a few moments ago, you carry James with you, Sirius. Through you, Harry, Remus, I in fact, see James more clearly than we have for fourteen years.'
Sirius had seen him too. He had seen James in Harry; not just in his looks, but in his letters, his flying, his bravery, his loyalty, his love for Sirius. And now, Sirius had seen Prongs in a rotting hallway in Grimmauld Place, standing guard to keep the darkness at bay.
'James is not letting go of you either, Sirius,' Dumbledore said quietly, and Sirius knew he was right.
It didn't take away the pain, but it made it easier to forgive himself for holding onto the past. The past was holding onto him too.
A/N
I know that technically the elder wand can't work for Sirius the way it does for Dumbledore, but it's still meant to be powerful, and I don't see Sirius succeeding without help. I don't think it's a coincidence we never see Sirius cast a Patronus in the books.