Full Story Summary:

Echo'a Velundaleht, Warrior of Light, Bringer of Hope and the bane of any villain's existence.

Or so the moniker goes. It changes, sure, adapting as needed to appease the masses or be used against him, but that doesn't mean he ever likes it. Not when there's more than just enemy blood on his hands and situations rob him of those he cares about.

At some point he's going to stop caring. At some point, he's going to be done with all their stupidity and the endlessness of it all and simply watch the world burn just because he could.

That thought scares him more than his own death does and he can't help but wonder for how much longer it will.

At least he has the Scions. If he had been on his own, he would have shattered a long time ago. He just hopes he hasn't leaned too heavily on them in turn.

Complete at 43 chapters until Dawntrail 7.1, probably.
This contains predominantly Shadowbringers and Endwalker content but there is some Heavensward - specifically that one particular scene because I ran it as healer and wanted it to actually hurt, gosh darn it. Unless noted otherwise, each chapter is named for the quest it appears in.

Chapter 1
Note: Some time at the very beginning of the Heavensward quest line.

The stone encasing one of the windows of House Fortemps was cold where his head rested against it. The slab he sat on was still cold despite having been sitting there for quite some time. He hadn't intended to be there for so long having only wanted to sit for but a moment yet the bell tolled another hour away, making it at least three since he had settled in the window. His sigh fogged the glass as his thoughts were inexplicably drawn back to the banquet, to Nanamo's death and the loss of their companions. The fact that Alphinaud and Tataru had managed to safely extricate themselves from the situation and accompany him to Ishgard in and of itself felt like a miracle. He had truly believed for a moment that he would be on his own and that had terrified him.

He shoved those thoughts away only for Nanamo's last moment to fill the vacancy instead.

His cheeks burned with shame. Neither of them had been the wiser when she had lifted that accursed cup to her lips and drank. After so much combat and forced action, he should have reacted, should have done anything more than simply standing there and letting her die. He had become a White Mage so that he could heal others regardless of the situation but in that dire hour, he hadn't even bothered to rush to her side.

The fact that he had been in his Summoner gear was a poor excuse for his inaction.

A knock on the door yanked him from his thoughts and he heard it open. He didn't bother to look. It would be the third time in less hours that the House Fortemps manservant came to check in on him in the hopes he would eat something. It would also be the third time he would politely decline once the manservant actually asked.

He jumped when instead Haurchefant knelt at the edge of his line of sight and he blinked owlishly at the man. He was fairly certain the man hadn't been due back for a while yet. What was he doing there?

Haurchefant offered him a soft smile, oblivious, apparently, to Exho'a's confusion. "Would I come to check on how you and the others have settled in only to find you have not been present for meals."

"My eating habits should be the last thing you ought to fret about," he replied, his tone amused despite the confusion in it at the man's apparent concern. Had he been missing that many meals that someone felt the need to tell Haurchefant of all people? "Though, if it helps, I have been eating." Albeit, probably not enough, but that was a different matter entirely.

"So you say," Haurchefant was quick to reply, "and yet I have been told you regularly use that excuse to skip such meals to the point that I fear even Alphinaud will start to take note even in his own grief stricken state."

He winced at that, a bitter guilt nipping at his heels. It had not been his intention to distance himself from Alphinaud the past few days but with the both of them still reeling from the chaos of Ul'dah, he couldn't handle Alphinaud's turmoil on top of his own. Maybe it was about time he got over his and actually made the effort to be there for Alphinaud.

Haurchefant covered his knee with a hand and encouraged, "Why don't we go down for a late supper and talk of the current troubles siphoning your appetite. Mayhaps a bit of chatter will help ease the burden preventing you from later meals as well."

It wouldn't, not really, but he wasn't about to say that. Haurchefant didn't need any more reasons to fret about him after everything he had done to get them safely into Ishgard. He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to repay that debt but the least he could do was choose to get to know the man and if that was over mealtimes, then it was over mealtimes. "Alright. Lead the way."

The meal was pleasant and Haurchefant's chatter was certainly distraction enough. He ate quite a bit, all things considered, but he inevitably hit the point where he couldn't force another bite without the risk of being unable to keep it down. He was certain Haurchefant noticed but the other took him at his word when he simply said he was full.

He did make an effort to attend meals in the hopes it would alleviate both Haurchefant's worry and focus. As much as he appreciated the man's assistance and care, this wasn't something Haurchefant needed to be paying attention to, let alone anything he could fix.

If it could have been fixed, he would have done so a long time ago. He hated it.

Someone still noticed, though, because shortly thereafter, Alphinaud offered him a bundle of food as they made their way through Ishgard. He slowed to a stop, blinking first at the small bundle before looking to Alphinaud for an explanation. He knew it was food - the fabric covering it did nothing to keep the scents within - but for a moment he didn't quite understand why Alphinaud was suddenly gifting him some.

"I may not always be the most observant fellow around but I did not need Haurchefant telling me for me to notice that you were eating far too little as of late." Alphinaud was not meeting his gaze but it was fine. He took the food, if for nothing more than to allow Alphinaud to lower his arm. "It is reasonable to assume that past events have curbed your appetite but still you should find time to consume more between mealtimes to maintain your strength. It would not do us any good if the Warrior of Light collapses on the battlefield at the peak of any given confrontation."

Gods he hated that moniker at times.

He was well aware but telling Alphinaud as much felt like a lost cause. He tucked the bundle of food against his stomach, his hands around it as if he could hide it from the world like he would an injured kitten or the like.

Be it nerves or some other reason, Alphinaud kept talking in wake of his lack of response. "I would note that I am aware that you regularly do not eat a full serving at times, though I will admit that I am at a loss as to the reasons behind such instances. While I am grateful that we have not suffered such as we did in Ul'dah before, there have been similar enough moments in the past that these moments of diminished consumption did not follow. I had not thought them to be concerning until now." Alphinaud's gaze finally landed on him and he couldn't bring his gaze back up to meet it. "Tell me, my friend; is this naught but another of those moments?" He could see Alphinaud's chest expand with a breath before the other continued, "Or is it such to be concerned about now?"

He swallowed thickly. Alphinaud deserved an answer but the thought of telling him - of admitting it out loud to anyone - what the problem was felt more daunting than being told he was being accused of regicide. It was an idiotic thought to compare the two, he knew that, but the feeling of the words stuck in his throat screamed in a way that they had not in the other moment. He had been so numb when they had accused him of Nanamo's death, when they had forced him and the other Scions to flee for their lives only to get separated and lost in the events that followed. He swallowed again, working his jaw as if it would be enough to get the words out and flowing freely over his tongue. All he had to do was tell Alphinaud. That was it. He wasn't going up against some god-equivalent entity wielding magics he had never seen before and barely survived through so there was no reason for the lead tongue in his mouth.

He tried to swallow again but his mouth was tacky, lacking anything else to swallow.

"I...ah," he managed, only for the rest of the words to remain thick in his throat. Be it Alphinaud's patience or the other's ability to perceive the struggle he was going through to just tell him, Alphinaud didn't say a word. He simply stood there in front of him, patiently waiting for him to share anything. He tried swallowing again. "Eating is…a struggle, at times. It, nnn." He could do it. Just a few more words. He could manage that. "It's…a texture thing. Taste thing, sometimes. If, nnn,…if things don't, don't chew right or…the texture is off, it-...it can kill my appetite. So can, um, so can a new flavor or too much of any given flavor." The momentum he had gained suddenly screeched to a halt as his gaze fell to the food in his hands. "My, ah." Swallowing wasn't working; he really needed to stop trying. "It-" He sucked in a breath, forcing what he could of the tears that were not helping the lump in his throat away. "There's no logic to it - I know that - but I-" the breath shuddered in his chest; he could at least manage part of the truth- "ever since I watched her die, anytime I go to eat anything, every thought in my head is how it's poisoned." If there was any reaction from Alphinaud, he missed it. "I'm very aware of how it's all in my head. Not everything can be poisoned but it-" He clenched his teeth. He couldn't lose momentum now. "After even just a few bites, I can't…I can't force anything more down without risking being sick."

He barely felt Alphinaud's hand on his arm through the thick coat he was wearing but he saw the movement along the edge of his vision. He let his gaze fall to the back of Alphinaud's hand as Alphinaud offered, "I am so sorry, Echo'a. I should have-" Alphinaud cut himself off. He wouldn't have been surprised had the next words been anything remotely close to 'asked sooner'. Maybe Alphinaud had realized the futility of his statement because he amended it with, "Would it aid you if I tasted it first? Shown you that it was not indeed poisoned?"

He shook his head, immediately hating the idea. "Please don't." He finally managed to get his gaze on Alphinaud's face; the concern there hurt in a way he didn't want to think about. "That would-" make it worse. "It'll be fine," he said instead.

"Then what ought I do? Surely there must be something I can do to ease the burden you are suffering."

He shrugged, not wanting to outright deny Alphinaud's hope that there was something he could do. Unfortunately, the motion had moved his arm under Alphinaud's touch and, though he couldn't be sure, he suspected Alphinaud had taken the motion as him shrugging the other's hand off. With it gone, he suddenly felt like the ground would lose its hold on his feet and he would drift skyward. "Talk at me?" he abruptly suggested, his sudden desperation rushing the words. "Distract me from-" everything- "what I'm doing, that I'm eating. In theory, that should be enough." At least, it had been with Haurchefant and during the other meals. It wasn't foolproof, not by a long shot, but it meant he ate something and that was better than not eating anything at all.

The grin Alphinaud gave him seemed somehow too bright, as if Alphinaud was forcing it bigger. Still, though, Alphinaud took the suggestion and ran hard with it, making sure to keep him engaged so that it truly was a distraction.

He wasn't sure who all Alphinaud told - and what all he had shared - but any meal he had was always with someone else present, be it eating with him or utilizing the space in some manner, chatting with him about a wide array of topics but never drawing attention to his appetite, or lack thereof. The consensus also seemed to include making sure he always had something to eat between meals. Haurchefant and Alphinaud were quite quick at making sure something edible was in his hands at the start of any meeting with Aymeric or any other opportunity that could be used as a distraction. It was lucky that he found the treatment amusing and touching because he was very aware of how annoying he could find it if it had truly bothered him.

Despite their attempts, there were a few times when the distraction wasn't quite enough. The worst one had been during a meeting with Aymeric. He had taken a bite, the churning thoughts of him eating poison rivaling Aymeric and the other's discussion to the point that when he bit down on something that wasn't the same texture as everything else, he gagged. With as much discretion as he could manage in his haste, he discarded the mouthful into the fabric that had been wrapped around the food. His cheeks started to burn as frustrated tears threatened to fill his eyes. He gritted his teeth, refusing to let the ridiculous emotion show in such company. Yes, he had been hungry and yes, he was frustrated that he couldn't finish the food, but what was done was done; he now had no appetite to even try and stomach what was left. The roaring in his head certainly wouldn't let him try again for quite a while and putting it away now that he had used the fabric as a napkin-

Alphinaud's hand wrapped securely around his wrist and left him little time to stop the other should he so choose to do so. He didn't, though. He simply watched as Alphinaud brought the food to his own lips and took a bite, one that was a touch too big. Alphinaud had to quickly swipe his other thumb against his lips to keep it from dribbling down his chin. Had he not been caught in the torrent in his head, he would have chuckled at that. Instead, he watched as Alphinaud enjoyed the bite and swallowed all of it, contributing to the conversation as if nothing had transpired between them. He gave himself half a minute before he forced his hand to bring the food back to his lips.

The torrent in his head had quieted enough that he was able to finish the rest of the much wanted food though his appetite never truly returned.

"If I am stepping beyond my bounds, my friend, please tell me," Aymeric said as he came to a stop before Aymeric's desk. "I couldn't help but notice the interaction between you and Alphinaud. Had I not seen the expression on your face, I would have thought Alphinaud had simply wanted to steal a bite of food. Is everything alright?"

He had wondered at the request for him to linger after the meeting. "For what it is, yes."

Aymeric's concerned frown only deepened. "Is there anything I can do to assist? It had not passed my notice nor the notice of others that both Alphinaud and Lord Haurchefant have maintained a constant supply of food for you to consume. If making sure there is something for you to eat during our meetings would suffice, that can be readily arranged."

An odd sort of amused fondness tugged at the corner of his lips, loosening some of the tension in his chest. "I appreciate the thought but it would only cause you more grief if my fleeting appetite did not agree with what you proffer."

Something about his statement somehow eased some of Aymeric's tension. "Is bread often safe, then? Most of what you are handed consists of bread to some extent."

His left ear perked up at that, surprised. "You really don't have to provide anything, Aymeric," he offered, though he wasn't sure if it was reflex or something else entirely as he gave the other the out. "It hardly seems fair to burden you as well with my insignificant troubles. Truly, the thought is enough."

Aymeric's gentle smile fell a bit at that. "After everything you have done for us so far and what more you will accomplish, I would gladly take on some of the burdens you harbor on your own. If I can but alleviate some of your troubles - insignificant or otherwise - then I wish to do so. You have earned far more than that from the people of Ishgard and myself."

He gave a shallow bow, a hand pressed hard against his chest to keep himself as calm as he could. "If that is your wish." He straightened and met Aymeric's gaze again. "Thank you. And yes; simple breads are usually safest."

If there wasn't a basket of bread on the table any time there was a meeting, a basket would appear at some point. He never did learn if the four of them - Alphinaud, Haurchefant, Aymeric, and Lucia - had coordinated to eat some of the bread themselves but it certainly eased some of worry about eating during the meetings.

Well, for a brief moment it was the four of them.