slams down mug

Alright. I'm tired, overworked, and I can barely think straight. I just watched my favorite anime's dub, and I just heard that Daphne wanted Mabeasts to be eaten. So now, I'm gonna pull some strings that MAYBE make sense, and hopefully, we'll end up with something wholesome again.

And no, I have not abandoned Subaru's Metia. Somehow. I still love the concept, and I still have a ton of ideas, I just- have a LOT going on. Like three college tests due in the next two weeks-

Anyway, have a hungry demon maid and her favorite butler hero-cook.

Out of all the ways Subaru would die, he would never guess that starvation would be by one of them.

Although, he was starving now, because of his own stupidity. Stupid Subaru was a very common cause of death for him, it seems. This time, however, he wasn't as scared as he was annoyed.

As Subaru and the familiar blue haired maid walked down the path to Arlam Village, they wallowed in the awkward silence that could only come from embarrassing failure. As Rem was graceful enough to forgive Subaru, the raven haired boy was not.

"...Subaru-kun, it was an accident-"

And immediately, Subaru groaned and covered his face, much to Rem's amusement. "Aaaagghhhh…it was stupid! When I said I wanted to go out with a bang, I never meant THAT!"

Even back home, Subaru knew that oil and water don't mix. HOT oil and water don't just not mix, they outright despise each other. It was common knowledge back home, but to save his own pride, he went along with the others thinking Subaru didn't know.

That didn't change the fact that he felt absolutely horrible for burning dinner by spilling the pot of water into boiling oil. The fact that the fire that appeared right after didn't spread past the kitchen was a miracle to him, not to mention he somehow didn't get burns for it.

Where was that luck literally every other time?

Subaru went ahead, or at least tried to. Cleaning up that mess of a spill and the fact that it was a busy day was already taking a toll on him. Hearing a soft giggle next to him, he felt an arm wrap around his torso, supporting him. "Should not Rem's hero be able to stand up a little taller?" She gave a soft tease, before trying to stand up straight herself. "Or would Subaru-kun rather me carry him?"

"Ack- no, Rem-" Subaru laughed slightly, trying to push away from her arms, but not fully fighting her off. "A man has to keep his pride! As beautiful as you are, I-"

…rustle rustle

Both heard that immediately. After all, besides them, there should have been no one else in the forest.

"...Subaru-kun. Stay behind me."

As if. Halfway respecting Rem's wishes, he stayed behind…just right behind. Enough for him to hold her arm, and dutifully keep watch. If he couldn't help as a combatant, he still wants to be around. Rem's eyes flickered back to Subaru, as if acknowledging him, before returning to the site of the noise…

…and out came a snake. One with red eyes…and a thick, scaly body, as thick as a human arm.

…

…one would think they'd be a little more surprised than they were. But after giant demon dogs and a white whale, they were…admittedly a little underwhelmed.

Truth be told, it was still a mabeast. Snakes, already dangerous on their own without being a demon, should probably be taken care of. This was definitely no exception. Sighing softly, relieved that it was only one simple creature, Rem raised her mace, and-

"REM!"

…she was shocked out of her state, and in a second, Subaru had yanked her back, and by the time the demon maid got her bearings…

More of these snakes appeared out of nowhere. There were at least fifteen.

"There…shouldn't be this many Arkalb this close to the manor…" Rem muttered worriedly. Was there a nest around? A breeding ground?

"Stay close, Rem!"

Well, how the tables turned. He was tempted to leave, to go to the village and go back…but that would bring a number of problems. One, this was still close to the manor. Should anyone, god forbid, EMILIA, walk out and get ambushed, he doesn't think he would ever forgive himself. And even then, after going to the village, they would still have to go back. It gives them plenty of time for an ambush.

Yes, the best thing to do right now was to take care of all of them. Preferably without dying. Or getting bitten. Last thing he wanted was another Wolgarm incident, where Roswaal might have to burn down half the forest again.

So now, he had to think of a plan. Fortunately for him…one Arkalb was ever so kind enough to give him the push he needed into taking action, by lunging forth with its jaws wide open.

"...!" Subaru saw it in his peripheral vision, and leapt back. His sudden movement caught Rem off guard, and Subaru's eyes widened as he thrust his hands forward in response to the attack. "SHAMAC!"

…oh. That spell. Rem knew that spell.

She also knew she was a little too close. So a split second after she processed what the boy just said, she immediately ducked for cover, not wanting to get covered by the black smoke, already blinding the snakes, and most importantly, inhibiting their senses. At the very least, its range wasn't as ridiculous as the entire manor.

…

This is a good chance. Recognizing the opening that Subaru made, she brandished Morning Star once more and cried out, "SUBARU-KUN! GET DOWN!"

And it was by Subaru's trust in her that he narrowly ducked, right as the maid swung, right through the smoke of Shamac. Right out of it, came a dozen poor reptiles, stunned and now thrown right onto the dirt floor.

And the rest of the slaughter was a blur. Subaru faintly remembered the hisses that somehow reached his ears as a panicked tone, as the maid had continued her relentless attack. If it wasn't for the fact that they had attacked first, he would have actually felt bad for them.

And finally, Subaru and Rem were left panting softly in the middle of the forest, with fifteen snake corpses around them. Groaning softly, Subaru tiredly stood up, helping Rem to her feet.

He did NOT want to go to the village as of right now anymore. Not only was he hungry, but now he was tired. A little too much magic into that Shamac made him exhausted. Maybe he could bring the sna-

…wait.

"...Rem." Subaru was struck with an idea, and he took out…the destroyed form of the sharpest sword.

It was no longer the sharpest sword, and at this point, Subaru doubted it ever was. But it was sharp enough to stab into the corpses…

…and the second the blade entered, he saw the meat of the snake. His eyes narrowed as with a grunt of effort, he had ripped through the meat, and cut the corpse in half. The meat…did not look too bad. It was lean, as expected for a snake, but something felt inherently wrong about it.

…maybe they could eat them? He still remembered how his mother used to cook them, so…

Looking around, he went to the next snake, and started cutting them in half. "Rem! I need your help!" He pointed at the other corpses. "Can you cut them? Any piece!"

"W-Wait! Subaru-kun, what are you planning to do?" Nevertheless, she followed along. It would have been hard for her to use her mace as a cutting tool, but Subaru's questions were silenced as Rem had taken hold of the head, and ripped it off.

…damn demon maid strength. Subaru had almost forgotten, but he found himself wishing he could just do that.

"Well…" He looked at the snake, and saw fangs. Fangs meant poison. He started cutting off the head, and moved onto the next. "...back home, we had a way to eat snake…I was hoping that we could bring some back home and-"

"We're EATING them?!" Rem halted her movements, her head snapping to Subaru, looking almost mortified at the suggestion. He tilted his head in confusion.

"Yes? What's wrong?"

…Rem gave a rare look of disgust. She winced, remembering the first time she tried to eat one and shuddered. "Rem? Seriously! What's wrong? You don't like snakes?"

Shaking her head, she faced Subaru fully, pushing the corpse of the snake aside. "Subaru-kun…perhaps you did not know this, but…mabeasts are not edible."

"Eh?" Subaru looked back at the meat. Besides the memory of what they were…they seemed sort of normal. Truth be told, they…didn't seem to have the same digestive organs. It would make sense, if taking into account that mabeasts can sustain themselves off of mana…

"Yes." Rem nodded politely. "The taste of mabeasts are vomit inducing…not only that, the mana that they emanate is…" Disturbing. Subaru would know, seeing the spiral into insanity she had on her last killing spree with them.

…but that wouldn't do. They got these corpses, and now that Subaru thought about it? He REALLY WANTS snake now. Call it nostalgia, but he could already taste the chili serpent.

"What exactly are mabeasts, by the way?" Subaru asked curiously, as he looked closely at the severed Arkalb head.

"Eh…?" The demon maid tried to formulate her words for him, before nodding. "Of course, Subaru-kun. Mabeasts are…creatures, believed to be created by the Witch. They sustain themselves off mana of living beings, usually humans and demi-humans."

What a comforting thought.

"...well, back home," Subaru sighed, and took the meat, standing up and dusting himself off. "When we have lean meat like this, we usually just cut them up, and…"

"...cut them up into bite sized pieces…" The woman hummed softly as she put the meat into a container. "Put some sugar…salt…aha!" She took some sake out of the drawers, and gave a good amount. "Nothing wrong with a little sake here!"

The young boy watched his mother in curiosity as she seemed to dance around the kitchen.

"And we need some sauce with it!~" A bit of chili…a bit of ketchup…and soy sauce with sugar, salt, and garlic powder. Hm. How generous.

Before long, the smell of ginger and garlic filled the air, and the boy couldn't help but go closer. The meat was cooking…and soon enough, the sauce was added. Cold water to thicken…and even back then, when the boy couldn't appreciate it for what it was worth, in here, it seemed to…glisten?

"Subaru! Careful! Dinner is almost ready, so can you help me prepare the table? Subaru? Subaru-kun?"

"Subaru-kun?"

The raven haired boy shook himself out of it, wiping away the blurriness forming in his eyes, before looking up. "Huh? Yes Rem?"

The maid looked worriedly at him, a little suspicious of that pause. "You…went silent for a second."

"A-Ah!" Damn. He got lost in memories. Laughing to himself, he picked up the rest of the corpses, and nodded. "Ah…I'm really sorry about that Rem! I just remembered some stuff, and forgot the beautiful girl in front of me!" Sheepishly scratching the back of his head, he held the meat out.

"...but if you don't like the magic coming from it…what if it's because of what it eats?"

If it eats other people's mana, it would be natural that other people wouldn't want it. Their bodies would recognize it as a foreign object, and expel it.

"Rem, could you…drain it of mana?"

The maid's brows furrowed slightly, but wavered when she saw Subaru's eyes, hiding his high hopes. Beatrice was the only one he knew who could drain mana, but…

"...out of a living being, I would not be able to," Rem admitted, frowning when Subaru's face dropped. "But…if the being is dead, and its meat is sectioned…I could…possibly do so, but…I could never leave lives in the risk of my inexperience…"

"...but…we could ask Roswaal-sama or Beatrice-sama!" She looked up. "They would definitely be able to do so!"

She let out a sigh of relief she didn't even know she was holding when Subaru grinned ear to ear and immediately stood up with energy he didn't have. "Then it's settled! We'll ask Roswaal after we get our dinner in Arlam!"

For the first time that night, Rem was the one who had to catch up with Subaru.

"...sooooooooooo…"

The resident clown magician crossed his arms as he looked at his dear maid and the butler he hired a few weeks ago. Said butler was fidgeting in place at Roswaal's arched brow at the Arkalb corpses.

"You want meeeeeee to drain the mabeasts?"

It was intriguing how…clean they looked, those cuts. It almost looked like they were made to be eaten.
"A-Ah- yes! Ros-chi, I think that if they're drained…I can make a meal out of them!"

…oh. They actually did mean to eat them. Roswaal furrowed his brows and leaned forward.

"...are you not awaaaaare of the side effects of consuuuuming a mabeast?" Not just vomiting. The magic in one of them isn't particularly…benign to a human body. Subaru might get sick, or worse with his luck.

"Yep!" Subaru chirped, offering the cut snakes. "That's why we're asking you to cleanse them!"

…Subaru must be insane. Or maybe he's just stupid. Maybe both. Sighing, the magician turned to his maid. "Rem, are you…supporting Subaru-kun?"

She was silent for a bit, before nodding. "...I trust Subaru-kun."

Not a direct answer, but said all he needed to know. She'd go along with anything Subaru does…and he didn't know whether that was comforting or worrying. "...I will saaaaaay, no one has tried to consume one, espeeeccially after vomiting once!" Roswaal leaned in with a smile, and whispered.

"...should, my dear maid get sick, Subaru-kun…you do realize, that fault will remain with you, correct?"

No accenting on vowels this time. Subaru, understanding the severity, nodded. "You know I'd rather die, than see Rem in danger."

It was a common wordplay to make, but something about his eyes made it seem like each and every word was true. It was that look that made Roswaal waver, and Rem's eyes furrow.

…and the clown broke out with its usual smile. "It's goooood to hear, Subaru-kun!~ Leave them here, I'll try have the Arkalb ready tonight, just be sure to save some for meeee~"

Waving them off, he sighed and sat back down on his chair.

…no one hunts down a mabeast with the meaning to actually eat them. Whatever Subaru was doing, he was doing it for a reason. If it wasn't to find a poison, then perhaps he truly had a way to make them…appetizing.

…nevertheless, it was a snake. He wasn't much of a fan of it, too lean. He'd have whatever Ram served any day.

"Subaruuuu~" The woman pinched the cheek of the little boy's full cheeks, who whined. "Slow down while you're eating! You might choke on it!"

Relenting, the young raven haired boy slowed down, chewing a bit more intently. Still, that pout hung on his face, and the mother laughed, squishing his face again.

"It makes me so happy that you enjoy it! How do you feel about it?"

"Hmmmmmm…"

He ate another piece of the chicken, and gave a big thumbs up. "Nine points!"

"W-Wha- nine?!" The mother huffed and crossed her arms. "You're not going to give your mother a perfect score?!"

Subaru went to the counter, reached up…

…and grabbed the salt shaker. Going to his chair, he shook it onto his chili chicken, and sighed. "Just needed some more flavor!"

"Wha- you call your mother's cooking bland?!"

Puffing her cheeks, she reached out, and poked the boy on the sides, eliciting a yelp, before she continued her assault, forcing laughs out of him. "A-ACK-"

"Take that back!"

"Bahahahaha! No! Nine is a good score!"

"But ten is even better!"

And soon, Subaru wasn't able to keep eating. But at the very least, his own laughter had stimulated his mother's own. It was a happy day.

…it was a happy day.

Subaru found himself lying awake at night. For some reason, his cheeks were wet, as he kept thinking about that snake. About that dish he ate back home…

…about his mother…

…

…

Nope. Screw waiting for tomorrow. He had to figure it out. Hopping out of his bed, he put the appropriate footwear on, and snuck through the manor.

…luckily, it wasn't too far into the night. It meant that when he went back to sleep, it would actually count as sleep, and not a fifteen minute nap. He went to the storage room, and…

…huh. Roswaal really did clean it. The meat had a little glisten to it, as did most fresh meat in his eyes. And the eerie feeling he got from it after killing the Arkalb was completely gone!

He took out the meat, and carefully, turned on a few lamps around the kitchen. He was going to try to be as quiet as possible, but with stir fried snake, it was going to be tricky.

…but what would help, would be to get everything ready.

"Alright…" Subaru whispered, nervously rubbing his hands together. Oil…and maybe butter. Butter was richer.

Salt…pepper…not much, but luckily, Ros-chi was rich as hell. He doesn't even need that much.

Some aromatics…he was really lucky that they had garlic and ginger. And an onion…that he hoped was white and not red.

…some more vegetables. No chili, sadly…but tomatoes were here. Maybe he could get chili one day, if it was in Lugnica anyway.

"Good…good…" He muttered to himself. He set up the fire started to heat the pan, and put in the oil and butter.

"First, heat the pan to a medium high temperature!" The mother hummed as she watched Subaru carefully heat the stove to its max flame. He did it so gingerly, as if it was about to explode at any time.

Which, knowing him, was frighteningly likely.

"Good! Good, now put the oil first, and then the butter! Now, set the fire a little lower, and get your chicken ready~"

The sound of chopping onions could be heard, and Subaru had to resist the urge to yelp. He looked back…and he was relieved at the sight of Rem. Surprisingly enough, she looked relatively awake. Giving him a soft smile, she nodded.

"I had assumed Subaru-kun wanted to try to cook the mabeast as soon as possible…go ahead! Rem will assist you however she can!"

Rem was the best.

Grinning ear to ear, Subaru shook his head, and muttered off instructions he took to heart.

"Keep the heat low, so the butter doesn't boil…"

"And cut the chicken into bite sized pieces!"

Subaru cut the breast…a little too big. To be fair, that was the size of his bite. Laughing gently, his mother aimed the cuts a little shorter.

"You need room in your mouth for the rice, young man!" She flicked his head. "Alright! Now get the aromatics ready! Garlic first, and then onion!"

It was surprising to hear the garlic get put in. Subaru blinked…and realized that he said those out loud.

"O-Oh! That's great Rem!" He laughed, and stirred the garlic in the pot…in a way as if he had done it hundreds of times before. The blue haired maid couldn't help, but tilt her head.

…was this really the Subaru that struggled to skin a tato?

Said boy was crushing tomatoes in a bowl, trying to make a paste out of them, before using flour and water, to make a sort of…mixture?

He put the pieces of Arkalb meat into another bowl, and put the salt and pepper, and upon using the salt…he realized that he was missing something. Rem yelped when in a split second, Subaru took the onions she just cut and mixed them into the pan, adding salt, stirring, before going back to the meat.

…it was captivating to see him focused on a meal. Especially at this time of night.

"Oooooo!~ It smells so good already! You're a natural, musoko~"

The boy flushed, and stirred in the meat, nodding along with her instructions.

"Alright!~ Now, once the chicken is almost done cooking, add the tomato and chilies, and a little more salt and pepper! Put some cornstarch to thicken…and just wait! Oh!" The woman took a bottle out…and put just a splash.

"And don't forget the sake!"

Subaru frowned. "Eh?! Why put alcohol in here?! I don't wanna get drunk!"

"Oh dear, have you not heard?" The mother seemed to grin as she stirred the ingredients with him. "It's pretty common for the grown ups to do this! Makes it all taste better~"

No chili. No cornstarch. Far from home, yet making memories. He snapped out of it for a second, when Rem remarked with slight panic at how he was adding the red wine to the dish.

…he looked in his hand and blinked.

Huh. He WAS using wine. Expensive wine, it looks like.

…

…he probably shouldn't be using this.

Getting only a bit out, he carefully put the wine back…and looked into the dish.

Red chili snake. Onions and garlic. It…smelled like…home.

"Eeeeee! It looks beautiful!"

The young boy puffed his chest out in pride as he put his hands on his hips. She, in her great excitement, didn't want to waste time, and put the meat in her mouth, chewing softly.

"S-Subaru-kun!" Rem made her way over to Subaru when he stopped the fire, and gasped lighty at the sight. It looked…a little complicated, but no doubt, it looked BEAUTIFUL. "I-It looks amazing!"

Subaru could cook. But…this looked different to what they usually make. "Subaru-kun! It- Subaru-kun?"

…Rem's eyes went to Subaru's face, whose expression was unreadable as he took a fork, took a piece of the Arkalb…and put it into his mouth.

…warmth. Spice. Heat. But most of all, heart.

The boy watched with bated breath as he saw his mother and father eat the meal he had created for the first time…and it was eaten in silence. When his mother put the chopsticks down…she smiled with genuine pride.

"I'm so proud of you, Subaru."

…drip…drip…

"Subaru-kun?!" Rem shook him with worry. "A-Are you alright?!"

"H-Huh…? O-Oh…" He didn't know when he started crying. But as he chewed, he was reminded of people he didn't want to forget. Of people he wanted to see again, and places he wanted to be in again.

As he wiped his nose, he laughed a laugh filled with genuity, but at the same time, a hidden wistfulness. But Rem knew it was real when Subaru smiled, and nodded.

"It just…needs more salt."

Rem furrowed her brows, and took a piece of the snake, before biting into it.

…she didn't know what to expect, but she didn't expect not to vomit. No trace of the magic from the mabeast, but instead, a flavor she had never known. A subtle heat, a hearty, yet rich flavor…her eyes shined and she immediately bit on another. "This is delicious!"

Between the two of them, they had eaten their fill, but Subaru himself on that night, realized just how hungry he was.

The taste of home was the best taste indeed.

Ha, you thought it was gonna be funny crack fic like Subaru's Metia, but it was I! Depression!

Anyway, enjoy :3