Snippet: "What's stopping you from leaving this place?" I asked. He was quiet. His amber eyes were drained, watching the scotch swirl in his glass. "It's safe here." I knew how hard it was for him to be vulnerable. With me, I could always see him. "I never saw you as the type to be afraid." He rolled his eyes. "I'm not afraid." Standing up, I shrugged, "I can't tell."
XXXXXXXXX
Dear Ms. Leah Clearwater:
Congratulat—
I quickly lowered the piece of paper from my gaze, my heart pounding in my chest. Blinking a couple of times, I wondered if my mind was playing tricks on me. The letter felt heavy, the cardstock vibrating in my shaking hands. I swallowed hard before lifting it to my face again.
Dear Ms. Leah Clearwater:
Congrat—
I lowered it again, my hazel eyes widening in shock. I glanced at my bedroom door to make sure that it was locked. I could hear my baby brother, Seth, and his friends yelling over the loud explosions of a video game downstairs. It was a typical Wednesday in the Clearwater house. I came home from volleyball practice to find a large envelope in the mailbox, thanking the good Lord that no one cares enough to check the mail in this house except for me. I had considered having my decision letter mailed to my job, since no one in the world except my best friend, Rebecca, knew I was applying to schools outside of Washington State.
See, everyone already had my life planned out for me. My parents wanted me to go to a college in state, close to home, and then move back after . I'd marry my longtime boyfriend, Sam, and we'd have little babies and live whatever version of a picture perfect La Push life I was allowed to live. My mom wanted me to be a nurse, just like her. It was all very vanilla and boring and…not at all what I wanted.
"Ok," I whispered. "Let's try this one more time.
Dear Ms. Leah Clearwater:
Congratulations! Duke University is now your university. You will be joining a most impressive group of students in the Duke Class of 2018; you and your classmates admitted under our Early Decision program will comprise the core of our incoming class next fall.
Your classmates will come from across the country and around the globe; the student body you are joining is a thriving community enriched by the breadth of talents, interests, and experiences of its members. You should be proud of contributing to that community, for you have earned your place in it. I know that you and your classmates will distinguish yourselves academically and personally over the next four years, and you will leave Duke exceptionally well-prepared to make a difference in the world.
I covered my mouth in shock, hopping up and down in excitement. In secret, I had applied for colleges all over the country, just to see what would happen. It wasn't that I wasn't happy in La Push; it was just all a little too cookie cutter for me. It was easy to get caught up in the monotony of this place. We all grew up together, we went to school together, we were on our way to working together and we were on our way to dying together.
So, I secretly submitted applications in secret, dipping into money that I'd saved for myself over the years and had gotten accepted into almost every single once. Columbia, Pepperdine, University of Chicago, Boston University, Tulane, and now Duke. This didn't mean that I was absolutely making the decision to leave; it was just nice to know that I could. I already had my acceptances to University of Washington and Washington State. Those were the ones that Sam and I had talked about anytime we discussed our future. Never too far from home, never challenging what else could be out there in the world.
The photo of Sam and me at junior prom caught my attention and effectively made my excitement turn into dread. It was a picture of us slow dancing; one of his large hands was resting on my hips and my arms wrapped around his neck. We looked happy. We are happy. He was smiling down at me as he adjusted the king crown he had placed on my head.
Sam Uley was the perfect boyfriend. Student body president, captain of the football team. He was a natural born leader and a sweetheart. He was the kind of guy that you marry and have a million babies with, and I wanted that. Eventually. But I was ready to leave La Push first, get my feet wet, before settling down. Everyone pretty much thought that we would settle down right away. We'd been together since I was 15 years old.
Everything had been "perfect" between us until a few weeks ago. Sweet kisses turned into a spiked temper really quick these days. His body was running hotter than usual and he hit some weird new growth spurt that he didn't want to talk about. Today was a weird case; he disappeared after third period without a text or a note or anything. He was short with me a lot of the time, saying "Just drop it, Leah, I'm fine," when he very clearly wasn't. And then in front of everyone else, he would just pretend that everything was fine. He was all smiles again and jokes with his best friends, Paul and Jared. Lately, the only time I really saw him was in the morning when I got to school, not much else.
"Leah! Sam's here!" Seth called.
And apparently now. I could hear his heavy footfalls on the stairs, growing louder as he got closer. I carefully placed the acceptance letter in my desk drawer with the others and took a deep breath. I could never figure out what kind of day it was going to be with him. At school, he was fine; he was maybe a little snappy once or twice, but overall, it was a good day. No one knew Sam like I did, and I think that's why he feels so comfortable letting his guard down around me. It's always easier to get upset with people who you knew would be there for you. So, I was having to navigate dealing with his mood swings and also having no idea what's triggering him or how to fix it. All I could do was take it a second at a time.
No one knew about his temper. It only happened when we were alone. Around everyone else, he put on his mask and pretended that everything was fine. He was everyone's favorite person. Whatever was happening, I hoped would be over soon and we could just get on with life. If I'm being honest, this letter couldn't have come at a better and worse time. I didn't want to have the conversation that I wanted to leave La Push. But, if things continued like this, with him pushing me away at every single step, I was prepared to walk away.
We were normally so happy and six months ago, if you would have asked me if we were going to get married, I would have said, "Fucking absolutely." But Sam wasn't acting like the Sam I fell in love with. Or maybe all of this is just high school.
His smiling face appeared in my doorway with a small box of Sour Patch Kids in his hand and a history textbook in the other. After closing the door, Sam eyes raked over me, his eyes gleaming. "There's my girl," he said, dropping his things on my desk, right over the drawer that held my acceptance letters, before taking my face in his hands. I smiled, ignoring the intense heat radiating from his hands. Sam's full lips covered mine sweetly for a second.
I broke away from his full lips, gently wrapping my hands around his wrists. "What happened to you today?" I asked casually.
"What do you mean?" Sam asked, leaning in to kiss me again. It was a tactic. His way of trying to make me forget about his little disappearing act. I pecked his lips before leaning away.
"I mean, your empty chair next to me in history and calculus and at lunch. Come on, Sam, you know what I mean."
His eyes flashed with irritation; then he just shrugged before he threw himself on my bed. He patted the space next to him. "Come cuddle with me."
"Oh, were we done with my question? It's not like you to skip class."
"I just needed to take care of some things, ok?" he said, reaching for me.
I took a step back. "Things like what?"
"Leah," Sam groaned. "Please don't do this."
"I'm just—"
"Leah, enough," his voice boomed. I flinched at how loud his voice resonated in the room. He sighed, "It's nothing you need to worry about. Just…will you please lay down with me?"
"I thought we were supposed to be leaving soon." I said quietly. I was trying my best to shake off when he yelled at me. Some of our friends were hosting a bonfire tonight. It was a frequent occurrence around here; parents pretending that their high schoolers weren't underage drinking, Billy, the chief, telling those ridiculous legends of the werewolves every chance he got, and cliff diving into the ocean. Music. Food. The whole deal.
He patted the space next to him again, giving me a softened look, "We have some time. Come on, Lee Lee, if you lay down, I'll let you eat all of the blue Sour Patch Kids."
My heart fluttered at the use of his nickname as I took a deep breath. It was better to fake it that him yelling at me didn't bother me than to push it. So, what's the best way to get things back on track? Sex. "Oh, well don't you know how to make a girl feel special," I tried to joke, climbing onto the bed. I straddled his waist and leaned down to capture his lips. Sliding his hands to my hips, he gave them an affectionate squeeze as he chuckled in my mouth. Today would be a good day, I decided. No matter the bullshit, today would be good. We would go to the bonfire and we will smile, he will be attentive, he will be Sam. The normal Sam.
His burning hot hands slid up my top as he deepened the kiss. I missed this. My mind wandered back to Duke; I knew if I told him I was looking out of state, everything about us would change. I don't know if I was ready for that. Our tongues entangled as his hands continued to glide up my back. The front door slammed downstairs and I could hear rowdy shouting in the living room. "Honey, I'm home!"
I rolled my eyes, breaking away from Sam. Paul. Since the reservation is so small, we were all kind of connected and bonded as a giant family. Even though Paul was Sam's best and closest friends, our family took care of him. He's got a rough background. Both of his parents struggle with addiction and have a tendency to come in and out whenever they please. But, instead of calling CPS or anything like that, my father decided that we would help out as much as we could. All of us. When we were about 12 years old, my dad went around the entire reservation and ask that we all help to take care of Paul. We were a village. We fed him. Sometimes he would bounce from house to house when his parents weren't around. It was just what we did. As much as he annoyed me, I'd rather know he's taken care of than to see him be part of the system. He wasn't a charity case or anything like that. He was family.
That being said, just because he was family doesn't mean that I loved having him around all the time. We used to be good friends, but not so much anymore. Nevertheless, he spent most of his time with our family because he really connected with my mom and dad. Which also means that he spent most of his time bugging the shit out of me. "You locked the door, right?" I asked Sam, brushing his nose with mine.
"Uhhh…" Sam started as we heard feet coming up the stairs. He grimaced a little bit as he said, "My bad."
My bedroom door swung open, "Hey, Lee, are you decent?" Paul called as he leaned in the frame. He chuckled as he took in my and Sam's compromising position, shaking his head. Even though Sam and I had been together for years, my parents still wanted to keep things pretty safe. You know the drill. No closed doors (while they were home), no boyfriend in the house after 9, no sex…that they know of. "My, oh, my," Paul smirked.
Sam grabbed the pillow from under his head and chucked it at Paul. "Get the fuck out of here, man!" he exclaimed. Paul caught the pillow with ease and threw it back on the bed, laughing at us. I kept my eyes down as I climbed off of Sam. He kept one hand around my waist as he sat up. "What are you even doing here? I thought you were supposed to hang with Alena after school."
Paul spoke, "Nah, she cancelled on me today. We're meeting at the bonfire tonight though."
"Alena Wilde?" I asked, glancing between them.
"Yeah, they've been hooking up for a couple weeks now," Sam told me.
I scrunched my face in distaste. What a weird pairing.
"What's that face for?" Paul chuckled.
I shrugged, "She just doesn't seem like your type to me, that's all."
Alena was cute, but she was definitely a good girl. She didn't like to break the rules, she never drank at bonfires, and there was no way that she was fucking Paul Lahote. It just wasn't in her character. He was the guy that no father trusted with their daughter. He was the guy that got caught fucking Olivia Alister on our chemistry teacher's desk in the middle of first lunch. Everyone chalked it up to him lashing out because of his parents' inconsistency and were very understanding of that, but that didn't mean they were willing to hand their daughters over to get dicked down by him.
There was no denying that Paul was attractive. He, unlike some of the other guys around here, liked to keep his onyx hair short and a bit of stubble on his face. His amber eyes were framed by long, dark eyelashes and his jawline was something straight out of a magazine. He was tall, not as tall as Sam though, standing at 6'2". And after years of football and boxing, he was muscular without being overly buff. Overall, Paul Lahote was a smoke show. You'd be blind to think otherwise.
"What do you know about my type, Lee?" Paul asked, crossing his arms, looking amused. He had that glint in his eye. The mischievous one that says, 'Watch your words, Leah.'
I snorted and shook my head at him. "If you didn't spend every waking moment in my house, I wouldn't know anything about your type. Or your gross bathroom habits. Or how you wash your hands three times before eating your food. Or how you always cry when we watch—"
"Go easy on him, Lee Lee," Sam chuckled. "The important thing is that you're not his type. Or shit would get weird real fast."
"Nah, you've got nothing to worry about, Sammy. Clearwater's too mouthy for me." Paul said, looking directly at me. I rolled my eyes before standing up, walking over to my closet. I pulled out a sundress to wear for tonight, ignoring Paul and Sam as they continued to talk about Paul hooking up with Alena Wilder. The boys had been friends since we were all in daycare. They were the dynamic duo until Jared Cameron and his family moved back to the Rez in third grade. Then the three of them were unstoppable. Three good looking guys who played sports and charmed girls. It was all very high school cliché, but, hey, it's a cliché for a reason, right? Clichés are only that because they're true.
The thing about living on a reservation is that it's really small. If you couldn't tell yet, everyone knew everyone. Which meant that everything and everyone's affairs tended to get a little…muddled together. But we'll talk about that soon. It's not time yet.
XXXXXXXXX
It was hours later when we made it to the bonfire. The sun was starting to set over the water when we made it to First Beach. Sam had his arm draped over my shoulders as we approached all of our friends. Paul, Jared, Rebecca, and Rachel were all standing by the drinks table when we approached. I felt Sam place a kiss in my hair before moving away from me to dap up Paul and Jared like the ultimate bro he was. Both of the boys gave me a small hug before I turned my focus to my best friends, Becca and Rach. They were twins. The Black twins. The chief's daughters.
"Lee, you look adorable! This dress is so cute, I love it!" Rach said, hugging me. I happily returned her hug; I loved how Rachel loved. She was such a sweet person.
Rebecca was already in the process of pouring a drink and opening a beer bottle for me. "It's about time you made it. We were this close to sending a search party," she smirked as she handed me the bottle. We cheers-ed before taking a sip.
"Can you show at least a little discretion, Bex? Parents are watching," Rachel frowned. I glanced over my shoulder to see Billy Black and my parents looking over at us, playfully shaking their heads. I smiled and waved and laughed as my mom blew a kiss at me. Rachel was usually the only one worried about getting caught drinking. The rest of us didn't really care that much. "Wait, what's that in Jacob's hand? Does that look like a joint?" Rachel flitted off to police their little brother.
Aside from the six of us, the rest of the school seemed to be having the time of their lives already. I spotted my brother with his friends huddled together as if they were hiding something. A girl from a younger class approached them, batting her eyelashes at Seth. I watched as his face flushed and his body language completely changed. I think my kid brother is trying to flirt right now! "Hey," I called behind me to my friends. "Who's that talking to Seth?"
"I think that's Alena's little sister," Paul called back. "Uhh, Alexis, I think."
"More important than that," Rebecca started, placing her chin on my shoulder, "I may have a secret."
"Oh, really?" I asked, intrigued, taking my eyes away from my brother. "I may have one too."
She gasped in fake surprise. "Oooh, we may have to go discuss these secrets." I could hear the smile in her voice. She took my hand in hers before calling over her shoulder. "Samuel, I'm stealing our girlfriend!"
Sam chuckled, "Alright, just bring her back, Bex."
"I'll think about it!" she shouted, pulling me away to a log far enough away from the crowd so people wouldn't hear us. She sat down in the sand, her drink in one hand, a piece of paper in the other, and a coy smile on her face. I perched my ass on the log in front of her, mirroring her smile. Her back faced the fire as she crossed her legs and looked at me with that signature Becca naughty glint in her eye. "Do you want to go first or should I?"
I pursed my lips, suppressing a big smile. "You first," I decided. She nodded, as she handed me a familiar thick cardstock. The same kind of cardstock I had been holding earlier. I took a deep breath before carefully unfolding it and reading the letterhead: University of Hawaii at Manoa. "Dear Ms. Black, it is with great pleasure that I write to offer you admission to the University of Haw—oh my god, Bex!" I screamed, tackling her into the sand. I gave her the biggest hug I could manage, feeling the tears sting in my eyes. Rebecca was laughing in my ear as she hugged me back. "Oh my god, Bex, holy shit! You did it!"
"It was a no brainer, of course," she giggled, as we sat up. She beamed at me for a second, taking my hand in hers. Rebecca was a genius and wanted, more than anything, to study marine biology. Water was her home and what better place to learn than on an island. "Ok, tell me. What was it today?"
I glanced around to make sure no one was paying attention to us. No one was. My eyes scanned for Sam and found that he was very noticeably missing. I could see Jared and Paul digging around in one of the coolers, but no Sam. I furrowed my brows before focusing on Becca again. She looked at me expectantly, like a kid waiting for candy. "I heard from Duke today," I told her quietly, squeezing her hand. I bounced a little as I said, "They said yes."
"Duh!" Bex threw her arms around me again. We talked for over an hour about our plans. I still hadn't decided on which school I was going to choose, but Rebecca was feeling a bit more decisive on my behalf. Even though California was still close to home, Pepperdine was one of my top choices no matter the location. And Duke was another top choice. I had chosen these places without having seen them in person, but it was just something in my spirit that was telling me those were the right choices.
"When are you going to tell your dad, Bex?" I asked Rebecca, tipping the beer bottle toward my mouth. It tasted horrible. The music from the loudspeakers was booming and everyone was still having a good time with no signs of slowing down. Rebecca was lying in the sand with her head resting on the log I was sitting on and a slight smirk gracing her lips. Her top was raised just enough to show the sparkle of her belly ring and it was just tight enough to coyly see that her nipples were pierced.
Becca was the wild child. Her father was the chief and she was sure to defy him at every single turn. He wanted her to be on student council, she tried out for cheer. He wanted her to do volunteer hours for her college applications, she went out to the woods with guys like Blake Phoenix and Ryan Butler to smoke weed. Becca was smart, insanely smart. And she was more than capable of doing better than anyone around here, but she was having the same issue as I was. She was ready to leave La Push. This place is suffocating.
Now, her twin Rachel, my other best friend, didn't understand why anyone would want to leave. She loved the security of La Push, which was fair, but it also meant that she was ready to settle at Peninsula College up the road in Port Angeles and just commute from home. She wanted to please their parents as much as possible while still being a fun twin sister. So, she did student council and cheerleading. She volunteered at the soup kitchen and hung out with Bex and I at bonfires and drank with us.
"I haven't even told Rach yet," Becca said, picking up her cup filled with vodka and orange juice. She glanced up and me and shrugged, taking a sip.
"You can't hide it forever," I sang. "There's no way you can keep it a secret. That's crazy."
She held out her two hands, "Pot, kettle."
"We're not talking about me," I said, lifting my chin indignantly. Bex had applied to every single university in Hawaii for their upcoming fall class and hadn't told a single soul except for me. She meant it when she said she wanted to put as many of the elements between her and La Push as possible.
"We should be," she replied amused. "How many cities is that now? New York, Boston, New Orleans…"
"Ok, ok, I get it," I chuckled. "I haven't talked to Sam about it at all." Looking around, I made sure that no one was really paying attention to us. Rachel was busy making sure that Jacob, their younger brother, wasn't drinking alcohol. Embry Call, Quil Ateara, and Seth were all rough housing a little too close to the fire for my liking. I could see Paul and Jared who were pouring drinks, joking around as per the usual. And Sam was still mis—
"Where is Sir Samuel? I've only seen him a couple of times tonight," Rebecca observed as she waved at Blake Phoenix. I watched as he shot her a wink from across the bonfire. "Usually, he's all over you at this point! Drinks are flowing, I'm pretty sure there's smoke around here somewhere, and Dad hasn't bored us with legend yet. I'm surprised you still have your clothes on."
We both laughed. She was right; usually, at this time of night, Sam and I would be sneaking off to his house to hook up and Rebecca would be off with her booty call somewhere. Bex was usually my alibi and I was hers. The system works. But I had absolutely no idea where he went. I wanted it to bother me more than it did. I waited for me to feel perturbed by his absence, but I wasn't. I think if he was around me at that moment, I'd feel worse because I was hiding things from him. Becca sat up and started combing a hand through her curled black hair. "Can you cover for me?" she asked.
"Of course," I said, taking a swig of beer again. I glanced around the bonfire again, as Bex readied herself for a good fuck, and caught eyes with Paul. He was looking at me with an indescribable expression. I couldn't bring myself to break my gaze away from him as I tried to decipher the look in his eye. His eyes narrowed a bit, but not in anger or disgust. It was almost as if he was studying me. Jared hit Paul on the arm and, just like that, he looked away from me and focused on Jared, shaking his head.
Right as Blake approached us, I casually slipped away from the party and onto a more secluded part of the beach. With most of the reservation living it up at the bonfire, it was a little harder to find a place where people weren't. I walked until I found a spot a smooth 50 yards from anyone. I plopped down on the sand with a sigh.
My favorite part about this place was the beach and the rain. I wouldn't trade rainy days for anything in the world. I felt the soft drizzle on my face and listened to the waves crash against the shore. My mind drifted off; I feel like there are times when I could actually see the different versions of my life play out. Anytime I was with Sam, most often than not, I could see myself getting married young and having a couple of kids and becoming a nurse like my mom. When I was with Rebecca, I could definitely see us living our best lives and travelling and never coming back to La Push no matter what. But then when I think about those letters sitting in my desk, I see the life that I've always wanted for myself. A healthy life outside of La Push and coming back when I'm ready, not because I'm forced to. As crazy and rebellious as Becca was, she was right about most things when it came to me. We were the same. We were both absolutely terrified of telling people that we were leaving; Becca was just better at hiding it than me. You could see it on my face that something was wrong; my face had no secrets ever.
A full beer bottle appeared beside my face. Looking up, I saw it was attached to a strong hand, a veiny muscular arm, and a broad shoulder before I saw Paul's amber eyes glancing down at me. "You look like you need a drink," he said, touching the cold glass to my shoulder. I bit my lip in contemplation before grabbing the bottle from him. He plopped down next to me, placing his paper plate full of food in between his legs. He, quietly and contently, started to eat his burger and looking out to the water.
I watched him for a second before taking a swig of beer. "What are you doing?" I asked him.
"I'm eating," he said, his voice muffled.
I suppressed a smile, "No, I mean what are you doing over here?"
"Oh," he started, wiping his mouth. "I saw you walk off. You looked frustrated about something. Drinks fix everything."
"I should probably stop. I've been drinking on an empty stomach," I confessed, wrapping my arms around my legs to hug myself. I was too caught up in my own thoughts about college to eat. Paul shot me a curious look before splitting his hamburger down the middle and holding out one half to me. "No, no, it's ok. I can't take your food."
He chuckled. "It's a hamburger, Lee. Not my virginity," he paused. "Oh wait…"
His laughter grew louder as I shoved him into the sand. It was an involuntary reaction. He fell on his side and continued to laugh. I felt myself start to giggle before shaking my head, watching as he settled himself into hearty, good natured chuckles before shooting a wink at me. "Don't even start," I warned.
"Oh, come on, Lee. You know you were supposed to be my girl," he said, training his eyes back to the water as he downed his own beer.
Remember when I said that all of the business of the reservation started to muddle together? Yeah…you don't even know the half of it. 3 years ago, two and a half weeks before I got together with Sam, I lost my virginity to Paul Lahote. And, to this day, it was one of the best nights of my life. When you live on a reservation as small as ours, things just get weird! I was dealing with crushing feelings for both Paul and Sam at the time and it was all just a matter of timing.
Let me set the scene: 15-year-old Leah and 15-year-old Paul find themselves alone with no parental supervision one random Thursday night while I was prepping him for a geometry test. It wasn't a planned thing, but we both knew that there were feelings at the time and…it just happened. Two virgins figuring out what sex is is hilarious and bumpy and it was great. For months, we had been coyly circling each other and, despite Paul being Rebecca's first kiss, everyone—especially Becca—was pretty fascinated in the idea of Paul and me. Before Paul turned into the world's largest erection, he was the funny, edgy guy who wasn't afraid of expressing his thoughts and feelings.
Until after that night. After we slept together, he started acting really weird. He would avoid me in the hallways and brush me off whenever I tried to talk to him. He would come to my house when I wasn't there to grab some of Mom's cooking and then leave. It was weird. And, while that was happening, Sam swooped in and started giving me the attention and affection that I loved. I had had a crush on Sam too at the time, but I felt like it was only because we all spent so much time together and it was only a matter of time before feelings developed.
When I agreed to be Sam's girlfriend, Paul was seen at school with his arm casually hanging around Amber Ronan, a junior girl on the cheer team with Rach and Becca. So I threw my full self into Sam. And he never found out that he wasn't my first. Paul was kind enough not to mention it and went back to being normal eventually.
So, here we were, three years later. We had never talked about it. We had never ever been alone since that night. Whenever Paul was at the house, Seth or my parents or our friends were there. Imagine my surprise hearing those words come out of his mouth. You know you were supposed to be my girl.
"Is that right?" I said, leaning back on my hands. Each individual grain of sand pressed themselves into my palms. I couldn't look at him. I didn't know what to do with a conversation like this.
"Yup," he said, nonchalantly. He continued to chow down on his food as if he just told me that he bought a new jacket today. I waited for him to speak again, feeling my eyebrow slowly raise itself. He swallowed before looking over at me, smiling, and then taking another bite.
"That's a pretty bold statement, Lahote," I stated, reaching over to grab some chips from his plate.
He shrugged, "Just speaking the truth, Clearwater. We're about to graduate; we might as well talk about it."
"Don't you have a date tonight?" I turned to him fully, folding my legs under me. "Where's Alena?"
"With her girlfriend," he told me casually, meeting my eye. I blinked in shock and watched him smirk. "She's helping me with history; in exchange for an A, she asked me to cover for her while she went on dates with Kiley. Turns out her father thinking she's fucking me is so horrifying, it lessened the blow of her coming out."
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked.
He shrugged again, looking away from me. "Why not?" he retorted. "Things are so different now. I was just thinking about how different things would be if, uh, certain things didn't happen."
My heart leapt into my throat and I immediately felt cross by his words. If certain things didn't happen? Was this his way of telling me that he regretted having sex with me? We could have graduated and never seen each other again without having this conversation. Like how dare you? But also, why do I care? Why do I give a single shit about what Paul Lahote thinks? He's the one that cut me off, not the other way around. I closed my eyes and forced a deep breath before shaking my head. I felt my face harden. "You're an asshole."
"Wait, what?" he said as I stood up. It was things like this that made me ready to leave. The history of this place was too much to bear. How do people survive every single day, looking at the same people, doing the same things? How do you live your life without making these mistakes with people? How do you know what decisions are the right decisions? I started to storm away from him, shaking my head and throwing my hands up in frustration. "Leah, hold up!"
"No thank you," I called over my shoulder. "Just save it. I don't even want to hear what you have to say."
"Leah, stop!" Paul reached out and captured my wrist in his large hand. I whirled around and felt my body crash into his. I felt myself take a couple steps back in shock before composing myself. Still holding my wrist, Paul caught my eyes and it was like time stood still. My heart jumped as his thumb gently stroked the top of my wrist. We had always kept a healthy boundary; he hadn't touched me in any way, except for extremely curt, obligation hugs, in years. And I was remembering why. It felt different. So much different than Sam. And I couldn't figure out if that was good or bad. "I don't want to fight you, Lee. That's not what I meant at all. There's…there's a lot you don't know that I'm ready to tell you now."
I pulled my hand away from his grasp slowly, never breaking eye contact. I didn't speak; I didn't know what I was supposed to say. Paul shifted his weight as he cleared his throat. It wasn't very often that he was uncomfortable. He was always the guy that found humor, whether at your expense or not, in any situation. You could never get too close because he never wanted anyone to get close. Sex was just sex. Relationships were for suckers. Paul looked out for himself. "Take a walk with me?" he asked.
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He never talks about his parents or what he's been through with them. No one, except for the adults, knew anything about Diana and Randall. All I knew was that they both struggled with alcohol and pills and that they were really mean. My only interaction with Diana was when I was 8 years old; my mom had sent me to deliver some hand-me-downs to Paul for the first day of school. We never knew when Diana and Randall would be around, so I was shocked when Diana swung open the door reeking of alcohol, called me a little cunt, told me they didn't need our fucking charity, and then slammed the door in my face. Needless to say, when Paul started to explain to me what his parents said to him after we had sex, I wasn't surprised.
"…they're just miserable fucking people, you know? They told me I could never actually take care of a girl like you. You would only see me as a charity case and, if you were to ever be with me, it would be out of pity." Paul spoke as he tossed a rock up in the air and catching it. We were wandering up the hill toward the high cliffs overlooking the ocean. "When I came home that night, it was like they could sense it on me like dogs. And they berated me with questions until I told them it was you. That was probably the stupidest thing I could have done."
"You know I never treated you different because of your situation," I argued. "Even if that thing didn't happen, you've just been so distant from me all this time."
"I've been around."
"Around Sam. Around Dad. Around Seth. Not around me," I pointed out, kicking the dirt with the sole of my flip flop. "I thought we were closer than that, dude. You knew—you know—everything about me. And then you just gave me the cold shoulder after something that big. You bruised my ego. I thought I did something wrong."
He shook his head. "It was never you, Lee. It was them. It's always them." We stopped at the edge, feeling the breeze wash over us. This was the longest I had been alone with Paul in a very long time and it felt like no time had passed. He was still the Paul that I knew. "You remember coming up here and dreaming about getting out of this place?"
I felt myself smile, wide. "Yeah. We'd all stand in this spot and scream out our wishes. As if the ocean would grant them." I could hear the waves crashing below us. It was one of the most beautiful sounds in the world. "We're all grown up now."
Paul was quiet. I glanced over at him and he looked sad. It was weird being alone with him again, but I welcomed it. Because, even after all of the drama, he was still Paul. He was still my friend. I grew up with him and my family takes care of him. I never wanted him not to be happy; I always wanted him to understand what made him happy and to go for it. "Everything's about to change," he spoke. "I don't know how I feel about that."
"You should be excited. We're about to get the chance to start fresh in life. The world is at our fingertips after we graduate." I said, holding my arms out for show.
"Maybe for you," he commented, shoving his hands in his pockets. I could hear him jingling the keys in his pockets. It was a nervous habit for him. "You could get out of here if you wanted. Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if you were already planning it. You and Sam will probably leave together and get married and only come back for Christmas and funerals."
I cringed. "That's…a bit much."
"Am I wrong?" Yes.
Sam didn't want to go far. The day he told me the farthest he'd go was Seattle was the day I received my first acceptance letter in Portland. And immediately, I started to figure out if we could do the long-distance thing. If, maybe, he couldn't be completely pissed at me for wanting to leave. My mind had started to spin out of control, thinking about how angry he would be when I told him that I'd been thinking about leaving Washington. Hell, leaving the west coast completely. And, at the time, I was willing to give up that dream, settle for Oregon because it wasn't too far, and make it work.
Then he started acting funny. He disappeared from bonfires without a word to me. He pretended as if everything was perfectly normal, but he was starting to be a completely different person to me now. Sam was already very angry for reasons I wasn't aware of. So, instead of pissing him off, I kept it to myself. It wasn't the most solid plan, but it was all I had.
Life after graduation was one of the most and least talked about topics ever. Everyone was so coy about their answers unless they were planning on staying and living at home until they figure out their new plan. Jared was staying, Rachel was staying close, Sam hadn't talked about his plan much to me at all. When we talked about the future, the only thing he would mention was marriage.
I wanted to get married, but not anytime soon. Life was too short to be a housewife at 19. My mom had done it; she got pregnant with me right out of high school and married my dad and they're so happy. My cousin, Emily, was so ready for that life. Emily, besides Bex and Rachel, was my best friend; I trusted her with my life. But we'd always been complete opposites. She had always seen herself as a homemaker; I had always seen myself traveling in Europe or Asia and settling down later.
The only person who talked about getting out of here more than me and Becca was Paul. He didn't want to end up like his parents so much more than how much I didn't want to end up like mine. Even now, that's all he'd talk about; walking off of this reservation and never looking back. I remember, when we were 13, he was obsessed with the globe in the library. So, my parents bought him one, but he would only keep it at our house. And he'd say to me, Sam, and Rebecca, "Watch, one day, I'll have seen every single country on Earth. Just wait for my postcards."
Paul sighed beside me. "I should get you home," he said. "It's late."
"I miss you," I blurted. Immediately, I cursed before correcting myself. "I miss you being my friend."
Saying that I missed Paul was tricky. How fucked was it that I missed the friendship of my boyfriend's best friend? After I lost my virginity and I started dating Sam, the dynamic of our entire group of friends shifted. Boundaries were set, priorities were changed, and there was nothing I could do about it back then. But I grew up with Paul just as much as Sam did and I wanted my friend back. Point blank.
I could feel myself holding my breath as I waited for him to say something, but I couldn't figure out why. I heard him take a sharp intake of breath, but still he remained quiet. Training my eyes on my shoes, I started to mentally kick myself in the ass for even opening my mouth. So. Fucking. Dumb. Leah. Good job. Great fucking jo—. "I miss being your friend too, Lee," he finally said, carefully grabbing hold of my hand. "I've been missing you for a long time. More than I'm willing to admit."
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*setting the foundation and exiting stage right*
Go listen to Stand Still by Sabrina Claudio