This one-shot takes place during the bar scene in the episode "Home Invasions" - season 13, episode 14. I've changed a major detail for this story: Amanda is partners with Olivia instead of Fin. I also used some of the lines from Amanda and Fin's conversation, but it takes place between Amanda and Olivia instead.
Trigger warnings for mentions of violence and rape.
I'm still working on my other stories and hope to have more new updates posted soon.
The email issue is ongoing and doesn't look like it will be fixed anytime soon (if ever). Thank you to the people who check my profile occasionally to see if I've updated. I have so few readers as it is, so it's very frustrating that no one is getting my notifications.
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"I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe"
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Amanda's stomach is throbbing relentlessly as she takes a generous sip from her bottle of beer, trying not to concentrate on the pain as she glances anxiously at the door. The blaring televisions and chatter of the other patrons are not enough to take her mind off of the undoubtedly awkward encounter that is about to commence, a flurry of butterflies joining the agony in her belly.
Olivia hasn't even arrived yet and Amanda is already regretting asking her to come, their stilted phone conversation likely an indicator of how well the in-person meeting is going to play out. Her partner had naturally expressed confusion as to why she had wanted to meet after hours at some dive bar, Amanda shutting down her inquiries and telling her she would explain everything once they were face to face.
She can understand Olivia's bewilderment with this situation; after all, it's not like they are friends outside of work or even during work, for that matter. They had become partners only a few months prior, upon Amanda's transfer from Atlanta to New York, and it hasn't exactly been smooth sailing since her arrival.
Initially thrilled to be partnered with the woman she had admired from afar for so long, her hopes of learning from and maybe even bonding with the senior detective were quickly dashed when it became abundantly clear that she needed to either lower her expectations or get rid of them altogether. Olivia has been distant and icy and downright mean from time to time, and Amanda occasionally wishes she had been partnered with Fin instead, or even Nick, the other detective new to the unit.
She has chastised herself vehemently for this desire, not wanting to blow this incredible opportunity to work with the best of the best; loathe to waste what could be a very valuable learning experience and the greatest years of her career. But Olivia doesn't seem to be interested in teaching her anything or even associating with her beyond what needs to be done for their cases, the brunette clearly going out of her way to avoid her whenever possible.
Their car rides during field work have been so tortuously awkward, Amanda had eventually given up on trying to start or maintain a conversation and has settled for uncomfortable silence instead, staring out the window so as not to accidentally catch Olivia's eye while her partner drives. Olivia doesn't seem to be the least bit curious about her life, rarely asking questions of a more personal nature or listening to anything she has to say in general, even when it comes to her contribution to their cases.
She is desperate to prove herself to the older woman, but knows that what she is about to confess will surely put an end to the potential of any kind of friendship developing between them once they get used to each other. She is worried that her admission will color Olivia's poor opinion of her even further, making things so much worse than they already are and unsure if she can handle more of this horrendous tension.
Amanda is ashamed that she had arrived in New York with a major gambling addiction that was on the verge of spiraling out of control at the time, along with the heavy baggage of her family issues and the incident with her former deputy chief, instead of the clean slate she was aiming for. She might be able to keep the circumstances with Patton a secret, although she had previously disclosed to Olivia in a moment of weakness, albeit only to a certain extent, but unfortunately the gambling problem is going to have to be brought to light if she wants some help.
When the door opens and Olivia enters the bar, Amanda's anxiety hits the stratosphere and she has to force herself to stay in place on the stool, tempted to escape out the back before the other woman notices her, shocked that she has even bothered to show up. But Olivia spots her through the crowd right away and begins weaving in and out of the tables and chairs, Amanda shrinking in her seat as she walks purposefully toward her, those penetrating brown orbs never breaking eye contact.
She can't help taking note of how pretty Olivia looks outside of the precinct, her colleague dressed casually in dark jeans and a black jacket that is unzipped to reveal a plain white T-shirt underneath. Her silky hair tumbles in loose waves around her shoulders, the shiny tresses bouncing slightly as she strides in her direction with a confidence that is enviable, Amanda aware that she isn't the only one captivated by the beauty of the brunette.
Olivia is turning the heads of men and women alike but doesn't seem to notice that she is in the spotlight, or is choosing not to acknowledge it if she does; having eyes only for Amanda, which is certainly a first. She shrivels further under that intense gaze, the scrutiny not letting up when Olivia reaches the seat Amanda has saved for her and sits down with a barely audible sigh.
After exchanging polite hellos with one another and then waving the bartender away when he asks if she wants a drink, Olivia turns her attention back to Amanda again, one eyebrow raised slightly in question.
"Thanks for coming to meet me," Amanda says softly, the butterflies in her stomach still competing with the pain to see which one will emerge victorious.
"Are you going to stop being so mysterious and tell me what's going on, Rollins?" Olivia's normally brusque voice is surprisingly gentle, laced with a hint of something that might actually pass for concern. "Are you alright?"
"Well...I have a problem," Amanda admits quietly, her finger drawing patterns in the condensation on her beer bottle as her gaze slides away and she tries to ignore how much it hurts to breathe.
"That guy Murphy, right? The one who smiled at you in the squad room but you brushed it off and told me it was nothing? And then had the audacity to ask me if I was jealous?"
"Yup," Amanda confirms in shame as she cringes at her earlier attempt to be playful, deciding that it's time to be completely honest about her situation and not hold anything back, aside from the frustrating crush she has on Olivia. "Back home, I was in football pools. I bet NCAA tournaments, the Derby, big stuff. I liked the action but it wasn't serious. But since I got to New York, it's out of control."
"How deep are you in?"
"$20K."
"Jesus," Olivia breathes with an amazed expression on her face, and Amanda can't tell if she is being judged or not. "Did Murphy always know you were a cop?"
"No, I told him I was a bartender," Amanda explains in a low tone, glancing around to make sure no one else is listening. "I checked him out. I wanted to know who I was dealing with. I made my payoff at his bar and I waited. I followed Murphy when he left."
"Where did he go?"
"To his social club. Hell's Kitchen."
"Bookie joint?"
"Yup. I did some digging around in Murphy's known associates. His boss' name is McCourt. Scary guy." Amanda swallows nervously, unsure if she should continue with what she is about to say since she knows how Olivia will react if she sees her as a victim, but resolving to keep pushing forward when she feels a rare spark of bravery. "Tonight, Murphy knocked me around, he threatened me. He had that guy Parker with him for backup."
Just as she has predicted, Olivia's gaze instantly sharpens, those piercing eyes sweeping the length of her body as if assessing for injuries, and Amanda suppressing a shiver at the rapt concentration her battered figure is receiving. "Did he hit you?"
"Yeah."
"Are you okay?"
Amanda nods slowly in confirmation, biting her lower lip at the blatant lie and scolding herself for holding back such an important piece of information when she had just resolved to be truthful, the throb in her stomach becoming more pronounced as she focuses on it.
"Are you sure?" Olivia doesn't seem convinced, that shapely eyebrow arching once again.
"Yup." Amanda smiles shakily and takes what she hopes is a casual swig of beer, infusing her tone with a lightness she doesn't feel. "Anything else you want to know about your new partner?"
Olivia purses her lips and sighs, apparently choosing to dodge that particular question for now. "Okay, here's the deal. We take these creeps off the streets and let them know exactly who they're up against. Then you're going to have to come clean to the captain."
Amanda shifts uneasily on her stool, figuring it would come to this and wondering if she has ruined her career as a detective only a few months into her job at SVU, knowing how much pleasure her failure would bring to Charles Patton. "Yeah, okay, we have a deal. Thanks, Liv."
Olivia nods curtly in response, her lips flattening into a thin line now, and Amanda can tell this isn't the end of it. "Do you think you need medical attention?"
"I just said I was okay."
"You don't look okay," Olivia points out sternly, gesturing toward her jittery form. "You can hardly sit still on that stool."
"Well, I'm nervous," Amanda chuckles awkwardly, forcing herself to stop moving. "This isn't exactly a comfortable conversation for me, alright?"
"It looks like it's more than that, though. You look physically uncomfortable, as well." Olivia's voice has softened again, and Amanda curses her for being so damn observant in every way. "Where did that bastard hit you?"
"My stomach," Amanda whispers, her hand lowering to perch protectively over her sweater. "He told me if I was dumb enough to talk to the captain, I wouldn't see them coming. I'd just be gone."
"Well, we're not going to let that happen," Olivia assures her gently, Amanda's eyebrows raising in surprise when the older woman's hand comes to rest on top of her own, goosebumps breaking out on her skin at the tender gesture. "We'll keep you safe."
The combination of Olivia's warm voice and affectionate touch, neither of which has been bestowed upon her before this encounter, has Amanda blurting out the last thing Murphy had said to her; the words that are still making her skin crawl. "He called me a good girl."
She watches Olivia frown in confusion, her fellow detective presumably wondering why this specific remark is significant, especially considering everything else that has happened tonight.
"Okay..." Olivia trails off in a perplexed tone. "That's a bit demeaning for sure, but is it important somehow?"
"It reminded me of..."
"Of what? Or should I say who?" Olivia's frown deepens as she tilts her head to the side and regards her intently, the air feeling like it has been sucked from Amanda's lungs, panicked that she has nearly blurted out the entirety of another one of the secrets she has been guarding so closely.
"Have you been hurt before, Amanda? You mentioned something to me a couple of months ago, didn't you? It was vague and we didn't get a chance to finish our discussion, but we can finish it now. Do you want to talk about it?"
The questions are asked so softly and with so much compassion, Olivia actually using her first name, that Amanda nearly bursts into tears at the welcome change in her attitude, tempted to spill her guts about Charles Patton right then and there. She remains silent, however, suddenly realizing just how near she and Olivia are sitting to each other on the bar stools, their heads bent low as their thighs graze from time to time and their feet occasionally brush together; the scene suggesting an intimacy between them that hasn't previously existed.
She feels a disconcerting urge to throw herself into the other woman's arms and beg to be held, so disturbed by this uncharacteristic need for comfort that she wrenches herself to the opposite side of her seat to put some distance between them. The abrupt movement causes a blinding flash of pain in her stomach as she teeters on the edge and almost falls to the floor, Amanda unable to hold in the whimper that emits from her lips.
"Hey, take it easy," Olivia cautions in alarm, Amanda shuddering with pleasure when that soothing hand touches her again, providing some balance and keeping her steady. "How badly did they hurt you?"
Amanda shrugs nonchalantly, desperate to downplay the incident once more, but is afraid she will burst into tears if she attempts to speak.
"I think you should see a doctor." Olivia's voice is firm now, Amanda shaking her head vigorously in response as those slender fingers tighten urgently on her arm.
"No-no," she stutters out around the lump of emotion that has risen in her throat, the pleasure and pain whirling together to create a mass of confusion in her body and brain. "No doctors. I'm fine, really. The pain just caught me off guard for a second but it's better now."
"I don't believe you." There is no judgment in Olivia's tone, only kindness and concern, and a trace of hesitation when she continues. "If you won't let a medical professional look at your injuries, will you let me?"
Amanda's eyes widen and her mouth goes dry at this unexpected request, her heart hammering into her rib cage as she finds herself at a loss for words yet again.
"I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries," Olivia says quietly, holding her hands up as if to ward off an explosion of anger. "I'm just worried. You can say no, of course, and I'll back off. I won't ask you again."
Silence descends over their spot at the bar as Amanda contemplates the inquiry, feeling somewhat disarmed by the soft side of Olivia Benson that she has been longing to see since coming to New York, and more prone to giving in when she would normally object. "Okay, you can look," she finally says after weighing the pros and cons, reaching over to grasp onto the arm that Olivia holds out for her in return and letting the older woman lead her carefully back to the bathrooms.
By some miracle, they are the only two people in the room, but decide to lock themselves into one of the stalls for privacy just in case anyone comes in, Amanda's heart rate quickening even further at this action. She immediately feels claustrophobic in the tiny space, positioned so closely to Olivia that she is practically pressed against the taller body of her colleague, Amanda shifting awkwardly on her feet as she tries to find the right place to stand.
When they are both situated as comfortably as they can be in such a small cubicle, Amanda takes a deep breath and slowly grasps the hem of her sweater with trembling hands, lifting the garment just high enough to reveal her stomach but leaving her bra covered.
She jumps slightly at the appalled gasp Olivia lets out, steeling herself before glancing down at what was once unblemished porcelain skin with lightly defined muscles. The smooth expanse of skin is now swollen a deep mottled red, promising to morph into a violent rainbow of colors over the coming days, the fiery hue extending underneath the waistband of her jeans.
Amanda is so startled by the ghastly appearance of her stomach, her fingers are gripping the zipper of her jeans and pulling it down without even thinking, displaying the front of her striped cotton panties to Olivia. She dips a fingertip beneath the delicate material, intent on lowering them to see how far the injury goes, before realizing what she's doing and snatching her hand away like she has been burned, standing there mutely with her fly down and her underwear exposed.
"Sorry," Amanda mumbles in mortification, her eyes wide with shame and alarm as she meets Olivia's intent gaze, a searing blush rushing up her neck and erupting across her cheeks. "I really didn't mean to start undressing in front of my partner."
"It's okay," Olivia whispers in reassurance, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder, her eyes shining with patience and understanding. "You don't need to apologize and you don't have to feel embarrassed. I was the one who asked you to show me. You can keep going, if you want to. It doesn't bother me. And I want to know how bad it is."
Amanda nods tentatively and looks away, keeping her eyes on her own body as she shimmies her jeans and panties down to her hips, stopping the descent of her clothing just before her pubic hair. The damage from the brutal punches she had sustained reach far and wide, as it appears she will be badly bruised from her ribs right down to her nether region.
Tears blur her vision as the multitude of traumas and transgressions blend together in a blur of anguish; her raging addiction, the vast amount of money she owes, the threat to her life, needing to come clean to her captain, Murphy calling her a good girl just like her former deputy chief had done, the memory of finding bruises all over her body after Patton's assault, much like she is doing now. The weight of this heavy combination of woes is threatening to crush her, burying her so deep, she doesn't know if she will ever be able to claw her way back into the light again, feeling like she is sinking swiftly into a vast, dark pit of despair.
"It's okay, honey," her colleague soothes softly, Amanda almost breaking down at the term of endearment that Olivia has never used with her before now, and blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay. "You're safe with me. No one's going to hurt you again, do you understand?"
Amanda nods once more, entranced by Olivia's presence in the stall with her and the compassionate way she is taking care of her, finally being treated like she actually matters and the unexpected comfort lessening her anguish somewhat. She knows Olivia is still suffering terribly due to the abrupt departure of her previous partner, painfully aware that she has taken the place of someone very special to her co-worker, and trying not to lose sight of this when she reflects on how long it has taken for Olivia to come around and start treating her with respect.
Elliot Stabler has been on her mind a lot these days, a man she has never met and probably never will, dominating her thoughts along with all the other unpleasant people and events that reside there in a complex tangle of agony. Amanda wants to know what Elliot has that she clearly doesn't; what she can possibly do to make Olivia like her even a fraction as much as she adores the man who had abandoned her after twelve years together.
Amanda lets out an involuntary moan as she clutches the bare skin of her bruised stomach, unsure if it's the physical or emotional torment that has caused the humiliating noise and wincing at Olivia's concerned stare.
"It must hurt a lot," the brunette states softly, Amanda's blush deepening when she crouches down to inspect her injuries more thoroughly, overwhelmed with the amount of tenderness Olivia is showing her and the close proximity of someone she has such intense feelings for. "If you're not going to seek medical attention, we should at least put some ice on it to bring down the swelling and soothe the pain."
Amanda zeroes in on the word we, her heart leaping with hope at the thought of Olivia spending more time with her and continuing to take care of her while she is falling apart. So used to being alone and not having anyone to depend on, Amanda has convinced herself that she doesn't need help carrying her considerable burdens, but deep down inside, she knows that she is wrong.
"Are you sure they didn't do anything else to you?" There is a dark note in Olivia's tone now, Amanda following her gaze as it drifts briefly to the juncture of her thighs before darting back up so that brown eyes are boring intensely into blue.
"Not this time." Flinching sharply as she realizes what she has just said, Amanda bites hard on the inside of her cheek in an effort to stop revealing more personal information about her past.
"So you've been hurt like that before? By someone else?"
Amanda stands stock still, staring straight ahead like a deer caught in the headlights, determined not to answer these probing questions. She can't handle more than one major revelation and the ensuing fallout right now, trembling at the thought of Patton's assault being brought to light amidst the discovery of her gambling addiction and the probable suspension or firing that is coming her way.
"I'm sorry," Olivia whispers, straightening up to her full height as Amanda zips up her jeans with trembling fingers. "I shouldn't have asked you that when you're in such a vulnerable position and you've already been through so much. But any time you want to talk, I'm here, okay? You can talk to me about anything."
"Really?" Amanda is taken aback by this offer, and makes a mental note to tuck it away in her brain for future reference in case she finds herself wanting to share more about her life at some point. "Do you mean it?"
"Yes, I do." Olivia smiles sadly as something significant seems to dawn on her. "I know I haven't made things easy for you since your start at SVU, but I want to do better. I want things to be different between us."
"Well, I know I can't compete with Elliot," Amanda murmurs before she can put a halt to her potentially hurtful words, unable to stop rambling now, "so I understand that it's been hard for you to accept me as your partner. I know you'd rather have him back. I must be such a huge disappointment after working with him for so long. I'm sorry you got stuck with me. You seem to get along better with Nick, so maybe Cragen should put the two of you together instead."
Amanda feels an instant pang of regret as she watches Olivia's shoulders slump and her face crumple, her colleague looking utterly dejected. "Is that really what you think?" The older woman's voice is hushed and wobbling, and she appears to be close to tears herself.
Amanda nods slowly, her hands twitching at her sides as she tries to decide whether or not to reach out and provide some comfort after what she has said, her heart clenching at being the cause of Olivia's pain, even though she has spoken truthfully.
"I am so sorry, Amanda. I'm sorry I've been treating you so terribly and I'm sorry you've been dealing with this stuff all alone. You deserve better."
Amanda is stunned into silence at this admission, immediately flooded with guilt and wondering if she has been too hard on Olivia, acknowledging that she is not the only one going through a tough time and that Olivia has not had it easy these past few months.
"I don't want Elliot back." Amanda is astonished at the depth of feeling in the brunette's voice and the remorse evident in her expression, completely captivated as she continues speaking so earnestly. "He's gone and he doesn't want to be found, that much is obvious. And I don't want to be partners with Nick. He's a good cop but I'm glad you're my partner, Amanda. You're a talented detective and our squad is lucky to have you." She blinks in surprise as Olivia leans in to smooth her bangs out of her eyes, touched by the tender gesture and the words that follow. "I'm lucky to have you."
"But I'm such a mess," Amanda whispers brokenly, finally breaking into tears when the other woman takes her gently into her arms, awed at being held by Olivia Benson.
She revels in the delicate embrace, taking a chance and laying her head on Olivia's shoulder, her eyelids fluttering closed when she feels a soft hand begin stroking through her hair. Amanda wraps her arms around Olivia in return, pressing her nose into her sweet-smelling neck and sighing in relief at the feeling of safety that envelops her; something she hasn't felt for a very long time.
"I think we're both a bit of a mess right now but things will get better," Olivia says with quiet conviction, Amanda tightening her hold on her partner. "There's lots of ways you can get help for your addiction. And I'll always be here for you. We'll get this sorted out. You're going to be okay, I promise."
Amanda gives a shaky smile and finds herself believing what Olivia says; that she will somehow climb out of this hole she has fallen into now that she is no longer alone; that they will eventually find their way as partners and perhaps it will blossom into friendship or something more down the road; and that she might just end up being okay after all.
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*Song lyrics are from Melissa Etheridge's "Breathe"