Authors' notes:
We all know that Dumbledore is an exceptionally calm and collected man, especially in the movies.
This story just goes to show how truly calm and collected he can be.
Sirs Forsooth and Conquest bring to you a product better than U-No-Poo.
He Said Calmly.
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Albus Dumbledore was falling.
The room became encased in darkness as all hope drained from him. It was gone. What was he going to do now?
Like sinking through the depths of the sea, he was falling. Like diving headfirst off of a broom, he was falling.
He felt like he was falling as he leaned slightly to the left in his chair.
McGonagall was on her way up the steps to the Headmaster's office, carrying a list of point deductions she wanted to go over with him when she heard a loud THUMP.
She entered the Headmaster's office to find Dumbledore sprawled across the floor on his back, sobbing heavily.
"Albus," She asked. "What happened!? Why are you in the fetal position?"
He rose to his feet suddenly.
"Gather the students and staff in the Great Hall," He ordered, his face grave. "I have questions that need to be answered."
McGonagall only ever knew Dumbledore to have been this serious right before dueling Grindelwald, and she had never seen him cry before. Suffice it to say, she quickly went about doing as he said.
It took two hours to complete his command, but every student and member of the faculty aside from the house elves was present.
The school watched as Dumbledore paced back and forth on top of the teacher's table.
The students and teachers had been told that something had happened and they urgently needed to be in the Great Hall.
Umbridge rolled her eyes, she did not have time for this foolishness.
What tricks is that old codger up to now? The DADA teacher wondered with a scowl upon her ugly face.
The students milled about, unsure of what was happening. The tables and benches had been cleared away, violently, and could be seen outside in the courtyard.
Harry stood next to his two best friends and stared at Dumbledore as he walked around.
"Why is he on a table? The teachers are already on a raised platform," Hermione voiced, interrupting his thoughts.
"I dunno," replied the horrifically scarred British teen, "Maybe to show how important this is?"
Ron shook his head, dandruff flying as a result. "Maybe he really is barmy."
Malfoy shoved his way forward toward the trio, Tweedledee and Tweedledum by his side as usual.
"What do you think he's doing up there, Potter?" He sneered. "Trying to eat some of the candle wax?"
Harry scowled at Draco.
"Maybe he's trying to peer over your massive ego!" Ron shot back.
"Are you talking about my ego or my mountain of gold, Weasley?" Draco responded no less swiftly. "Jealous?"
"No. Definitely the ego," Harry jumped in.
Hermione rolled her eyes. Boys.
"SIIIIIIILEEEENCE!" Dumbledore shouted at the top of his lungs.
Many students flinched at the harshness in his voice.
"Now, you will SHUT! UP! And listen to me," He said. "Somebody in this castle slunk into my hallowed office and stole something of great value."
Gasps rang out around the hall.
"SIIIILEEEEENCE!" He shouted again. "I will have it returned and the perpetrators will be expelled, or worse!"
He looked over the silent hall of terrified students.
"I will have what was taken from me by tonight or else!" He growled through gritted teeth.
"But Albus!" McGonagall pleaded. "It's ten in the evening!"
The Headmaster cocked his head as if listening to someone.
"TOMORROW NIGHT THEN!" He roared.
"NOW, I will be speaking to your heads of houses and if ANYONE leaves this room before we return, I will have that student spend the night in the forbidden forest WANDLESS AND NAKED!"
With a swish of his cloak, he dramatically hopped off the table and left the hall, gesturing sharply for his loyal heads of house to follow.
Draco silently slinked back to the Slytherin house.
"What the BLOODY HELL WAS THAT!?" Ron whispered.
"It was like looking upon death himself." Harry shuddered.
"I don't know what was taken," Hermione said, "But I do not envy the thief."
Fred and George were backed into a corner by around forty students, all demanding they return what was stolen.
"We don't know anything! Honest!" George assured them as Fred did some quick spellwork behind his back.
"WHAT'S THAT!?" Fred suddenly screamed, pointing at Umbridge.
Everyone turned to see what he was pointing at, and when they turned back, both twins were gone.
Only Hermione had seen where they went.
The doors to the great hall burst open and the teachers reentered, a very grave look on their faces.
Dumbledore's eyes swept over the congregation before narrowing.
"We are missing two students," he said.
The Headmaster looked up. "Ah."
The students looked up to see Fred and George dangling from the ceiling by a colorful rope.
"DESCENDO!" Dumbledore yelled, arms crossed in front of his chest.
"How did he do that without a wand?" Ron asked.
"He's very famous for his wandless magic, Ron," Hermione whispered. "Maybe that's what's missing, his wand."
Harry watched a few of the teachers frantically catch the falling Weasleys with magic.
"Couldn't he just get another wand?" Zabini asked. "He's filthy rich."
Nobody bothered to answer him.
Fred and George finally touched the ground, shaking dreadfully.
Dumbledore walked up to the podium. "Your heads of house will lead you back to your common rooms. I suggest you listen to them very closely and answer anything they ask, truthfully."
With that, he raised one hand into the air and burst into flames, disappearing on the spot.
McGonagall tersely ordered all Gryffindors to return to their common room. Professors Snape, Flitwick, and Sprout followed suit.
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Draco Malfoy looked up at the stone face of the potion's master.
The entirety of Slytherin house was cramped together in the common room as Severus Snape walked from side to side in front of them.
Eventually, he stopped walking and turned towards his students.
"I…have given you every opportunity for success. I have bent the rules, taken points, and punished our enemies. I have excused your failures and given you additional chances that the other heads of house would not give their own students." He hissed.
Nobody spoke, they hardly even breathed.
"And I am still willing to give you one last chance. If you speak up and return whatever it is that was stolen, your punishment will be light."
"But isn't all that just to make up for how all the other teachers treat us so unfairly because we're Slytherins?" A second year piped up.
"Oh be QUIET, that does not ever happen!" Snape scoffed. "That excuse is meant for gullible dunderheads with compassion left in their bleeding hearts!"
A pimpled boy older than Draco raised his hand.
"Yes?" Snape asked, turning his head slowly towards him.
"You mean Professor Dumbledore hasn't told you what they took?"
No, he has been frustratingly vague about this whole ordeal. He thought to himself.
"ImPERTINENT FOOL!" Snape sneered.
"You do not question me! Are ANY of you going to speak up?"
Silence followed.
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"Please tell me it wasn't you, Fred and George," McGonagall said, "PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU!"
"Absolutely not!" George said.
"We toe the line, but we don't ever steal from Dumbledore!" Fred added.
"Except that one time," George said thoughtfully.
"Ah yeah, there was that one time," Fred nodded.
"Hold on, remember those two times we…" George continued.
Fred nodded again. "Mmmmmm."
McGonagall looked at them in horror.
Then she turned towards everyone else.
"The only other student in all of Gryffindor I would suspect of this heinous crime…"
She paused, turning sharply towards a particular student.
"IS YOU, RONALD POMEGRANATE WEASLEY!"
"That's not my middle name," Ron muttered meekly.
"DID I ASK WHAT YOUR MIDDLE NAME WAS!?" She shouted. "DUMBLEDORE IS AT THE END OF HIS ROPE! IF WHATEVER WAS TAKEN IS NOT RETURNED TO HIS OFFICE, AND SOON, I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT HE MIGHT DO!"
Ron gulped loudly.
Hermione raised her hand.
Before McGonagall could even acknowledge her, she spoke.
"You mean Professor Dumbledore hasn't told you what was stolen?"
Minerva McGonagall blinked. And then blinked again.
"I knew I was forgetting something."
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Luna Lovegood waved some nargles away from Professor Flitwick as he climbed a ladder to his usual perch.
He looked down at his beloved house from the top of the fireplace mantle.
"Students of Ravenclaw house," Flitwick squeaked. "I know none of you took whatever was in Professor Dumbledore's office. The spells I have cast on each of you would have told me otherwise."
"You don't know what was stolen?" Luna asked from behind the ladder.
"No, I do not," Flitwick said, "Ten points to Ravenclaw. Now go to bed."
The professor waited until they started moving and then walked down the length of the mantle to a small doorway that led to one of his many hideouts.
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"Do any of you know anything about this commotion?" Professor Sprout asked politely.
There was a general hubbub, but the consensus was a resounding no.
"Alright, then." She said with a motherly smile. "You may go off to bed now."
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Dumbledore walked around his desk.
McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, and Snape watched from a distance as he continued to mumble the things he would do to the thief when they were caught under his breath.
Mostly curses, and he kept cocking his head as if listening to someone.
"Let me know when he mutters cruciatus," Snape said blithely. "I have yet to finish interrogating my students."
Turning around, the hook-nosed wizard headed back down the stairs, cloak billowing behind him.
Flitwick sent McGonagall a pleading look and she nodded.
He followed after the greasy-haired man.
Sprout burped and followed after her sallow-skinned coworker without another word.
McGonagall was now alone with Albus Dumbledore.
"Albus," She said, interrupting his musings. "Tell me what it is that was stolen. It will help us conduct our separate investigations, I assure you!"
"Minerva." He replied, finally stopping by Fawkes's perch and stroking his soft, scarlet feathers.
McGonagall waited for him to continue and when he didn't, she did.
"The other teachers are confused and worried. I'm confused and worried! You are always the calm one! You are the solid rock that keeps us strong when we are scared, Albus! You know exactly what to do when something terrible is happening, I mean isn't now around the time you would be offering me a lemon drop?"
"I HAVE NO LEMON DROPS!" He shouted.
McGonagall flinched back.
"Wh-what?" She stammered.
"I HAVE…NO…LEMON DROPS!" Dumbledore screamed. "MY LEMON DROPS WERE SSSTOLEN!"
"THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!?" Minerva screamed back. "SOME STUPID LEMON DROPS!?"
The Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry whispered dangerously. "I will wreak HAVOC if my lemon drops are not returned by tonight."
"Y-you mean tomorrow night?" She whimpered.
"Yesss." He said with a low growl. "Tomorrow…night. Now you may leave our presence."
"Our presence?" McGonagall asked.
"Fawkes is here too." The Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards said.
She fled.
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Down the hall, Minerva ran into the charms and the potions professor.
"Filius! Severus!" She breathed.
"Yes, what is it?" Snape asked.
"You know, I never noticed that our names rhymed, Severus!" Flitwick said cheerily.
Snape ignored him and grabbed McGonagall by her shoulders.
"What happened, Minerva?" He demanded.
"He really has gone mad!" She exclaimed. "He can't find his lemon drops!"
Flitwick chuckled. "That's a good one, you really got me there!"
Snape froze, his hands going limp.
"He's lost…his…lemon drops?" He asked, voice quavering fearfully.
McGonagall looked up at him. "Is that serious?"
"You have no idea just how dangerous Hogwarts castle has suddenly become, Minerva," Snape mumbled, terror creeping into his voice. "We…we need to…to find the barrels."
Flitwick watched Severus Snape fall to the ground, fainting dead away.
With a casual wave of his wand, the tiny charms Professor renervated his coworker.
"What barrels?" Flitwick asked.
"We have backup barrels of lemon drops hidden around the castle," Snape said, getting to his feet. "I have on me at all times this here map that leads to each one. Prepare yourselves, for each barrel is protected by the most powerful and complex spells and tricks ever conceived by the wizard mind. There are magical beasts from deep within the Amazon, evil curses discovered in ancient tombs, and even time loops. Are you ready to step into unfathomable danger to bring the Headmaster his lemon drops?"
Flitwick gave Snape his most serious face. "No."
"I'll go with-" McGonagall started. "Wait what?"
"Fortunately, two of them are under the Fidelius charm and I am the secret keeper, so-" Snape stopped. "Wait what?"
"Tell me, why do the lemon drops matter that much?" The diminutive teacher asked.
"THE LEMON DROPS ARE EVERYTHING TO HIM!" Severus shouted. "They are the reason he gets up in the morning, the reason he keeps this school safe, his reason to live! But he's not just living for the lemon drops. No, he is willing to kill for them too."
Snape took a deep breath before continuing. "I am frankly amazed at his patience so far. Last time, he dueled and nearly killed Gellert Grindelwald. Why do you think Grindelwald started the war in the first place? EVERYTHING was for those lemon drops!"
Flitwick was stunned into silence.
"What's so special about those lemon drops!?" McGonagall questioned.
"Absolutely nothing. In Albus's words, they are the perfect blend of sour and sweet, but in truth they are nothing." Snape snapped.
"Alright then." Flitwick agreed. "Let's do this."
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One death-defying magical adventure later:
"I can't believe every single lemon drop was gone!" Snape whimpered.
"What was that?" McGonagall asked, finishing off the last of the Harry Potter clones with a vicious slash of her sword.
Flitwick crawled out of a sudden trapdoor on the floor.
"I told you, you wouldn't get rid of me that easily." He grinned.
"Filius!" Minerva shouted gleefully. "We thought that you died to those mummy dragons!"
"No undead reptilian flying monsters can put me down without a fight," Flitwick said in a matter-of-fact tone. "Severus, I noticed those amazing dodges you pulled off when those super lasers started targeting you! I didn't know you could backflip!"
"Do you know if any of your muggleborns have access to very large amounts of lemon drops?" Snape asked suddenly, pointedly avoiding the statement. "If we can get some muggle lemon drops in his system then he might calm down long enough for us to find the thief!"
Flitwick sighed. The moment had passed.
"Is there a special brand of lemon drops, or something?"
"No! Quickly! Question your mudbloods!" Snape ordered.
With that he swept out of the room, cloak billowing behind him.
McGonagall and Flitwick looked at each other and sighed.
"Well, let's go question the mudbloods."
"FLITWICK!" McGonagall shouted in surprise.
"I'm tired, let's just get this done."
She rubbed her forehead and walked towards the Gryffindor common room without another word.
Flitwick yawned and walked into the wall, where a secret entrance opened at his approach, permitting him entry into the secret tunnels of Hogwarts.
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Hermione watched as Ron beat Harry in chess for the eighth time.
Harry sighed in defeat, calmly FLIPPING the board over and walking up the stairs to his dormitory. Once he was out of sight, he pulled his invisibility cloak out of his pocket and flung it over himself.
He snuck to the exit and as he was opening the portrait door, McGonagall stepped inside.
Harry dodged around her, stepping on her foot, and dashing into the hallway.
McGonagall ignored the unexpected foot pain, it was probably just a side effect from one of the multitudes of curses that hit her during their adventure for the lemon drops.
"Alright." She called out, "All mud- muggleborn please come with me."
Hermione felt like she was the only one who caught the slip.
She didn't mean it. Hermione thought. She's probably had a long night.
McGonagall finished gathering all the muggleborn and had them follow her out of the common room.
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Harry was walking at a brisk pace through the corridors, looking for any sign of the other teachers, when he heard loud footsteps coming up behind him.
He turned to see ProfessorMcGonagall, Hermione, and a large group of Gryffindor students practically running after him.
McGonagall was leading the pack.
Harry resisted the urge to scream and run.
He took a random turn and waited for them to pass it.
When they came to the hallway, they turned the corner towards him.
Harry backpedaled and sprinted down the hall, where he took another random side passage.
He slowed and turned around to see if they would follow.
A beat passed. Then two.
He sighed in relief.
McGonagall suddenly rounded the corner, still followed by her pack of students.
Harry dashed away, taking the leftmost corridor in a four-way hall intersection.
Looking behind him he saw the group take a different hallway.
He let out a breath and jogged up a set of stairs. At the top, he came face to face with Professor McGonagall.
He screamed, falling backward down the stairs.
"Stop screaming in my face, PEEVES!" McGonagall shouted angrily at the empty air around her.
Hermione, recognizing the scream, went stock still as she heard the tumble down the stairs.
"Oh please be okay, Harry." She whispered.
Raising her voice, Hermione suggested. "Why don't we take another route since Peeves is here?"
Nodding, the transfiguration teacher led her students down a different path.
At the bottom of the stairs, Harry groaned. He shakily got to his feet and rubbed his neck.
"Ow." He muttered.
Finding his feet, the Gryffindor boy walked into the Great Hall, the doors being only a dozen feet away.
He started to quickly search the room.
The tables and benches were all tossed to the side of the hall haphazardly, the ones not thrown into the courtyard that is.
The teacher's table had marks along the path Dumbledore walked across it.
The marks were footprints.
"Wow," Harry said. "He is angry."
He turned to leave the hall, thinking there was nothing left to find, only to face plant into the ground.
Rubbing his nose, Harry sat up.
"What did I trip on?" He asked aloud to nobody in particular. He looked to his feet and saw a lemon drop on the ground.
"Weird, I've only seen these in Dumbledore's office." He reached over to pick up the lemon drop. "Isn't this where I was standing?"
Harry thought back to everyone who was standing around him when Dumbledore spoke.
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"You want to know if any of us have access to incredible amounts of lemon drops?" Hermione asked for clarification.
She received an affirmative nod.
"Well, my Uncle José manufactures all lemon drops for the eastern American seaboard and western United Kingdom seaboard."
Professor McGonagall's eyes lit up. "We are going to be taking a field trip, Miss Granger."
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They streaked across the sky, McGonagall's private Firebolt making good time over the ocean. Both girls were dressed head to toe in matte black robes and white skull masks.
Hermione gripped onto McGonagall so tightly, she thought the poor girl might damage her fingers.
They landed on top of the factory roof a little past midnight.
"P-professor McGonagall?" Hermione whimpered. "I am about to upchuck. My breakfast, lunch, and supper."
"Hold it in until we're over another cruise ship on our way back to Hogwarts." McGonagall patiently told her.
"Is this really a good idea?" Hermione asked.
Professor McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "I've never known you to question me, Miss Granger. You want to start now?"
"…no."
McGonagall nodded approvingly. "Ten points to Gryffindor."
"Yay!" Hermione cheered, clapping her hands.
McGonagall smirked and jabbed her wand at every worker they passed. "Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Crucio! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo! Confundo!"
"Uh, Professor?" Hermione said uncertainly, "Actually, never mind."
They made it to the main level of the factory, and Hermione led her teacher to the storage vaults, having been on several tours through the building before.
They reached a heavily secured bank vault guarded by two of the largest men Hermione had ever seen.
"Stop right there!" One of them called out. "You're not supposed to be here!"
The other raised his submachine gun and pointed it at the two. "Make one wrong move and it's lead for the both of you!"
McGonagall rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Muggles. Almost as primitive as apes."
The man with the submachine gun frowned. "That's kind of rude."
"Enough of you." McGonagall sneered. "Ducklifors."
The man was no longer holding a machine gun. Instead, in his hands was an aggressive duck.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS!?" He screamed, throwing the duck at his comrade.
"AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!" His fellow guard screamed as the duck tore into his face.
"Ducklifors!" McGonagall said again. "Ducklifors!"
The guards were now ducks.
"Alohomora!"
The door opened.
Hermione stared at the scene. I could become a very successful thief in the muggle world. She realized.
Hermione transfigured the guards back into people and Stupefyed them.
McGonagall shouted, "JACKPOT!"
The Gryffindor girl watched as McGonagall waved her wand and several tons of lemon drops levitated out of the room.
Thousands upon thousands of tiny yellow candies. Hermione cringed, imagining the tooth rot that would come from eating all of this. If wizards consider this the normal amount of candy, then maybe Luna was on to something when she told me about the Rotfang conspiracy.
"Now, Miss Granger, open that sack I gave you," McGonagall ordered.
"You never gave me a sack, Professor." She replied.
"I knew I forgot something." The Transfiguration Professor said snapping her fingers. "Transfigure that guard's pants into a barrel!"
Hermione decided to transfigure his shoes instead and with some concentration, she had two barrels ready for McGonagall.
"I suppose we can't take all of this with us." She sighed, returning most of the lemon drops to the vault and closing it.
A second later the barrels were filled to the brim.
She continued, "Miss Granger, while I fly us back to Hogwarts, you will be levitating the barrels behind.
Hermione shrunk the barrels and put them in her pocket.
McGonagall frowned. "That works. By the way, we have another stop before we leave."
"Where are we going?" She asked.
"Take us to the security room."
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Hermione shut the door to the security room, forcing the ducks out.
She gasped and lay against the door.
"Why did you have to turn all the sleeping people in the guard room into ducks?" She asked.
"You wouldn't understand, you're not Scottish."
Hermione didn't have a response to that.
"I have always wanted to try this," McGonagall continued, pointing her wand at the monitors. "Obliviate!"
Hermione clicked a few keys on the keyboard and said, "That didn't do anything."
She started to manually wipe everything when she heard McGonagall's Scottish voice say something.
"Bombarda."
Hermione dove to the side as the computers and memory banks were completely obliterated.
She looked up at McGonagall from where she lay on the floor.
"ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME!?" She shouted exasperatedly.
McGonagall nodded.
She pointed her wand at what remained of the security setup.
"Bombarda Maxima."
The world turned white.
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Severus Snape sat in front of Draco Malfoy. They were both seated on opposite sides of a desk in a small room.
Severus had his hands below the table and out of sight, looking for all the world as if he were waiting for an appointment.
Malfoy fiddled with his necktie nervously, his hair matted against his skull from anxious sweat.
"Repeat what you just said," Snape commanded in a harsh whisper.
"I snuck into Dumbledore's office during dinner and took the lemon drops from his bowl," Draco muttered.
Severus breathed deeply, his hands tightening unseen on the chair's arms.
"Draco Zucchini Malfoy. What did you do with those lemon drops?" He asked.
"Well, after they kept tumbling out of my pockets for the better half of the day, I incinerated them with a fire curse." The boy admitted. "Also that's not my middle name."
The Potions Master took another deep breath, counting to eighty-two in his head before he replied.
"And what about the extra caches of lemon drops hidden throughout the castle? Do you know anything about those?"
"I never touched any barrels," Malfoy mumbled.
Snape massaged his temples with one hand. "I never told you they were barrels, Draco. How did you get past the Headmaster's traps?"
"Fine!" Draco confessed, "I didn't steal them myself, but this cool wizard named Tom asked me to help him sneak into the castle so he could play an even bigger prank. He had black hair, flawless skin, and eyes you could get lost in!"
Snape waved his hand dismissive, "You may leave Draco, and pray that the Headmaster does not find out about this. The last time someone messed with his lemon drops he started, and ended, World War Two."
Draco paled. World War Two was so massive that even wizards had become involved, completing secret missions and sabotaging important muggle information. It had been a time of great fear as wizard fought wizard. Entire legions of great spellcasters were lost to the war. And the muggles were never the wiser to it.
Draco heard enough about it from his father and the way he fell into panic whenever it was mentioned.
Snape impatiently waved his hand and the door opened, letting Draco stumble out.
"And tell the other students waiting that they do not have to be investigated any further."
Malfoy nodded, still shaken by the revelation.
How do I break this to Dumbledore? Snape wondered.
————————————————————
Flitwick watched from an alcove, high above the few Ravenclaw students still awake.
He pulled his cloak up towards his face, covering the lower half of his face.
"I am the ever-watching eye that stalks the night."
Lightning flashed in the distance, briefly illuminating his tiny form.
His eyes flashed behind his spectacles. "I am Flitwick!"
He dashed back into the shadows behind him, leading deep into the recesses of Hogwarts Castle.
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"Alright Miss Granger, you may go off to bed now," McGonagall said as they landed atop the Astronomy Tower. "Off with you."
Hermione scampered down the stairs quiet as a mouse.
McGonagall nodded approvingly. She certainly has some skill in sneaking.
Nodding, the Head of Gryffindor house walked down the stairs and turned a corner. She then slammed into empty space.
OOF!" Someone shouted.
Ron and Harry tumbled to the ground, no longer fully covered by the invisibility cloak.
"POTTER!? WEASLEY!? Quickly! Hide!" She whisper-yelled, stuffing them into their invisibility cloak. "We will talk about this invisibility cloak I never knew you had later!"
A decrepit blackened hand slithered against the wall, and Albus Dumbledore rounded the corner.
"I HEARD SOMETHING!" He snarled. "AND I SMELL LEMON DROPS!"
McGonagall flinched, hoping Dumbledore wouldn't notice her and her two shrunken barrels of lemon drops.
He sniffed the air and took a frail step forward.
Harry pulled the lemon drop he had found earlier and flicked it under the cloak, down the hall.
Dumbledore's head sharply turned and he started awkwardly shambling as fast as he could down the corridor.
Minerva breathed easier.
"Is this supposed to feel like a muggle horror film?" Harry asked, pulling his cloak off.
"What's a film?" Ron asked.
"Never mind that!" McGonagall said sharply, "You two go back to your common room, I need to talk with Professor Snape."
"Wait," Harry said, "I was looking in the great hall and found a lemon drop around where we were standing during Dumbledore's talk!"
"Lemon drops?" Dumbledore said from down the shadowed corridor.
"Malfoy!" Ron hissed. "He came up to us to try picking a fight again. It has to have been him!"
McGonagall sighed. "Thank you for this information, but you need to be in your common room before Dumbledore expels you both! Now go!"
They sprinted towards Gryffindor Tower.
McGonagall watched them go and started towards the dungeons once they were out of sight. I must inform Severus of what I've discovered.
She rounded a corner and Snape who had been sprinting full tilt, cloak billowing behind him, slammed into her.
"Oh!" Minerva yelped as she fell to the ground.
Snape, not wanting his freshly pressed robes to touch the ground performed a double front flip over her prone form and landed in a T-pose on the other side of McGonagall.
The first flip to avoid landing on her, the second one for show.
"How did you..?" McGonagall asked from the floor.
"My mother was very interested in muggle gymnastics." Snape snapped, snapping his fingers. "It is how she met my father."
"Do you need help getting up, Minerva?" Flitwick asked sliding down a muggle fireman's pole he had installed last year.
"Yes, thank you, Filius." She said, using his head to prop herself up.
"That's not exactly what I meant." He said.
"You can't blame me." McGonagall excused.
"That's fair," Flitwick said shaking his head sadly.
"Draco stole the lemon drops." Snape spat out.
"Oh, I had just discovered the same!" McGonagall exclaimed.
"As did I," Flitwick said smugly, "My legion of spies finally got back to me on the matter."
McGonagall got to her feet and looked at Flitwick. "Legion of spies?"
"DRACO VEHICULAR LAMB-SLAUGHTER MALFOY STOLE MY LEMON DROPS!?" An elderly voice screamed from down the corridor.
"I forgot he was here," McGonagall murmured.
Snape went as pale as he usually looked and Flitwick started hyperventilating.
"FAWKES!" Dumbledore screamed. "TAKE ME TO MALFOY!"
Minerva ran forward, shouting, "NO!"
Nothing happened.
"Damn you, bird!" He muttered darkly. "See if I feed you smoked unicorn again."
Then Dumbledore cocked his head as if listening to something.
After that, he shuffled into the darkness, in the direction of the dungeons.
Snape grabbed Flitwick and McGonagall by the shoulders. "QUICKLY, we have time to head him off if we use one of your secret passageways Filius!"
The tiny man shook his head, "You would not fit Severus, you are far too pale."
The potions master tsked.
"Then maybe if we take a longer route and just sprint the entire way, surely we could get there faster than Dumbledore," McGonagall suggested.
"You would be surprised," Snape said mysteriously. "We must hope that he does not remember that he has a Firebolt 5,000,000 that he made himself. Rickety and wretched it may be, it also travels at the speed of light."
Filius and Minerva gaped openly.
"He would put Ollivander himself out of business if he revealed the true spectrum of his crafting prowess."
They continued to stare.
"LET'S GET GOING!" He sneered loudly, "WE HAVE TO GET TO SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM BEFORE HE DOES!"
Filius hummed. "Do we though?"
Minerva smacked him on the arm. "He's a student! We must keep him safe."
"He is kind of a terrible human being who relies almost solely on nepotism." Flitwick reasoned.
Snape scoffed and started walking. "He is not the only one benefitting from nepotism, Filius."
"Well, excuse me for giving Filch a job! The man needed something to keep him out of trouble."
McGonagall joined Snape as he walked down the hallway. "We don't have much time. Let's get moving."
"I'll get there before either of you," Flitwick said scooting back up the fireman pole.
Snape started sprinting smartly, cloak billowing behind him.
McGonagall did the same, turning into a cat and bounding past him.
————————————————————
Draco Lucius Malfoy (for that was his true middle name) slouched on a comfortable green couch, that lay in front of the warm fireplace of the Slytherin common room.
After Professor Snape left, Draco refused to answer any of his housemates' questions and subsequently, was left alone.
A look around the room revealed it to be mostly empty, the other students having gone to bed over an hour ago.
The lone heir of Malfoy house sighed contentedly in the soft heat of the flames.
Something grabbed his ankle.
"AHHHHHH!" Draco shrieked.
He tried pulling his ankle away, but the vice-like grip held firm and started pulling at his leg.
"AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!" Draco continued screaming as he used his other foot to kick at the hand.
A small form pulled itself out from under the couch, using his leg as a handhold.
Draco nearly fainted as Professor Flitwick stood up in front of him, his form lined by the red glow of the fire behind him.
"Draco Malfoy, you are in mortal peril." Said the short charms master.
"W-what?" Malfoy stammered.
Flitwick's voice turned grave, "Dumbledore knows, and he is on his way."
Flitwick looked at Draco gravely and held out his hand. "Come with me if you want to live."
Draco nodded hurriedly, and followed the small man, as he led the boy to the back wall of the Slytherin common room.
Malfoy watched as the small man waved his hand in front of the bricks and a passage opened for him, much like the entrance to Diagon Alley opened.
He stepped through, pulling the Slytherin sixth year after him.
Moments later, the wall five feet to the left of the Slytherin common room door erupted inwards as Dumbledore punched his way through.
"WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS MALFOY!?" screamed the historical, hysterical old man as he wiped his now bloody hands off on the shoulder of a nearby Slytherin student.
His next shouted question was cut short as the heads of Slytherin and Gryffindor house dragged him out of the room kicking and screaming.
"Calm yourself, Albus!" McGonagall shouted clutching his arm and struggling to pull him away. She resisted the urge to add, "They're just lemon drops," as that would probably worsen the situation dramatically.
Severus Snape repaired the wall, cutting off their line of sight into the common room.
"Albus!" Snape barked, "We have lemon drops!"
Immediately, Dumbledore stopped struggling and he looked up at his potions master, like a puppy begging for food.
"Lemon..drop?" He asked slowly.
"Yeeessss." Snape nodded, "Lemoon drooops."
Dumbledore stood to his full height and brushed himself off.
"Very well then, now please, where are these lemon drops?"
Professor Snape eyed Dumbledore for a moment then nodded to the transfiguration Professor.
McGonagall took a shrunken barrel out of her pocket and enlarged it.
Dumbledore tore the lid off with a single swipe of his bare hand and thrust his other hand into its depths.
"That was nailed down," McGonagall noted.
Dumbledore stuffed a handful of lemon drops into his mouth and sucked on them thoughtfully.
Severus Snape gave a sigh of relief.
Then he heard a crunch.
He looked, terrified, at Dumbledore who had started chewing angrily on his mouthful of candy before spewing the entirety of it into Snape's face.
"IS THIS MUGGLE CANDY!?" He roared, spitting bright yellow saliva everywhere, "HOW DARE YOU TRY TO FOOL ME WITH THIS LACKLUSTER MIMICRY!"
McGonagall backed away as Dumbledore unleashed hell on the barrel. She didn't know half of the spells he cast, but each sent shivers down her spine.
As he destroyed the barrel and its contents, he began to rant, "THE SUGAR WAS NOT HARVESTED BY THE NILE RIVER UNDER A HARVEST MOON! THIS IS CLEARLY FROM MINNESOTA! AND THIS CREAM OF TARTAR WAS NOT PULLED FROM THE DEPTHS OF TARTARUS WHEN THE PLANETS WERE ALIGNED! THIS WAS DEFINITELY MANUFACTURED IN BELGIUM!"
McGonagall's back hit the wall.
He continued, "THE WATER INVOLVED IN THE CREATION OF THIS…ABOMINATION IS PURIFIED! HOW DARE YOU NOT USE FRESH IRISH SPRING WATER FROM THE BEND NEXT TO AN ANCIENT OAK TREE, UNTAINTED BY HUMAN HANDS AND GUARDED BY A LEPRECHAUN!"
Snape pulled out his wand only for it to reject his command and fling itself out of sight of Dumbledore.
"AND THE CITRIC ACID, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED!" The Headmaster snapped, "THE CITRIC ACID WAS NOT TAKEN FROM THE LEGENDARY ORANGE OF THE TALKING TREE OF HESPERIDES! THIS IS FROM THE BLOOD OF SOME RANDOM ORANGE TREE NYMPH!"
"Did my wand just…" Snape said shakily.
"THE LEMON EXTRACT IN THIS CANDY," Dumbledore said sobbing, "IS NOT ONE FOURTHS DRAGON BLOOD AND THREE FOURTHS COMMON LEMON CONJOINED DURING THE SUMMER SOLSTICE! IT'S JUST COMMON LEMON TAKEN FROM THE GROVES OF FLORIDA!"
"It appears mine has also run away." McGonagall whimpered.
"THIS IS NOT THE DELICATELY PAINTED ARTWORK OF LEONARDO DA PIXIE!" He spat, "THIS IS YELLOW FOOD COLORING!"
"That does not bode well," Flitwick said, poking his head out from under a floor slab. "My wand wouldn't come within fifty feet of the area."
"AND FINALLY," Dumbledore dry heaved a bit, "THE POWDERED SUGAR IS NOT THE POWDERED REMAINS OF AN ANCIENT EGYPTIAN MUMMY! THIS IS JUST POWDERED SUGAR…FROM A PLANT!"
McGonagall collapsed to the ground and Snape joined her. The waves of furious magic emanating from Dumbledore turned their legs into jelly. Or they were just that scared.
There is a reason Severus Snape wears an adult diaper every time he has a private meeting with Albus Dumbledore.
It paid to be careful.
Discomfort in exchange for a puddle not forming between his legs was an easy deal.
As Dumbledore finished his screaming rant, he raised his wand for the final blow.
"I can TASTE the MMMMMUGGLE HANDS that touched these filthy candies! I dare not even CALL THEM lemon drops anymore!"
As his wand descended, he froze.
He looked above him and sniffed violently, then he cocked his head as if listening to something.
"Lemon…drops?" He asked.
The professors followed him as he left the dungeons and made for the ground floor.
He shuffled fast for an old man.
When they finally reached the entrance to Hogwarts castle, Dumbledore slammed the doors open to reveal someone standing on the grounds, surrounded by eight barrels of lemon drops and ringed by cloaked death eaters.
"Tom Riddle." Dumbledore said calmly, "You've decided to come to Hogwarts at last."
—————————————————————
Voldemort's plan had succeeded. He knew how much Dumbledore loved lemon drops from what he had seen during his time as a student. Now, after having fooled Lucius's stupid brat, he had all of them! Nobody had yet to praise him for his beautifully bald head, and it was really bothering him.
Voldemort cursed under his breath, he couldn't be distracted by the lack of compliments and tender care he so deserved. That his beautiful, bald head deserved. Bald is beautiful, baby!
"What do you want, Tom?" Dumbledore asked, interrupting his inner monologue and eying the barrels, "We are in the middle of a crisis."
Voldemort cleared his throat and spoke in his dangerous, silky voice, "Bald is beautiful, baby. WAIT, that's not what I meant to say!"
One of the death eaters looked at Voldemort in confusion.
Dumbledore frowned, "I am offended by your baldness! Beard is beautiful, baby!"
The only thing as important to Dumbledore as lemon drops, baby, was his beard, baby. Which talks to him by the way...baby.
"Dumbledore, I have come to bargain!" Voldemort said, "I have here eight barrels of your precious lemon drops! And I will gladly exchange them and their safety for the Elder Wand!"
Dumbledore inhaled sharply, "You would dare threaten my lemon drops?"
The Headmaster then cocked his head as if listening to something.
"Don't try anything funny, Dumbledore or the lemon drops get it!" Voldemort warned, "I have enchantments rigged to go off the second you cast a spell!"
Seeing the Headmaster's hand twitch he quickly added, "Or if I die!"
Dumbledore thought of his wand, the deathstick, the wand of destiny, the twig of glory, the boom boom machine, the branch of power, the wood of wonder, the rod of super magic, the unbeatable line, the wand unstoppable, the wand impenetrable, the magic un-vulnerable, the elder wand.
Could he really trade it for candy?
Yes, absolutely!
"You have yourself a deal," Dumbledore said coldly, throwing his wand without hesitation at Voldemort.
The Dark Lord happily caught the wand and disapparated.
The death eaters panicked and McGonagall ran forward, taking them out with stunners and unnecessarily aggressive curses. Snape levitated the barrels into the castle as Dumbledore watched, rubbing his hands gleefully in anticipation.
When the final death eater had either died or disapparated, McGonagall rejoined them at the top of the steps just in time to hear Snape turn on the Headmaster.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" He shouted, "NOW THE DARK LORD IS UNSTOPPABLE!"
"What have I done?" Dumbledore shot back, "Something you never could! Save that which I love!"
Snape stumbled back in shock.
He really went there.
Pulling his cloak tighter around him, Severus Snape retorted, "Lemon drops are hardly as important as a human life!"
The temperature plummeted.
McGonagall started shivering and Snape gritted his teeth.
"I dare you to say that again," Dumbledore said coldly.
"A human life is more important than lemon drops," Snape said defiantly.
Dumbledore thrust out his hand and Snape's hands flew to his throat.
"You..dare? Defy me?" Dumbledore asked, baring his upper teeth and just barely touching his bottom lip with them as he stared wide-eyed at his employee.
Snape tried choking something out, but he couldn't. Dumbledore straightened his arm and lifted it slightly. Severus's feet left the ground as he hovered in midair, being choked by an unseen force that Dumbledore was clearly wielding.
"It took me ages to learn this ability." Dumbledore whispered, "And now you get to experience it thanks to your foolish insolence!"
Dumbledore released Snape, who fell to the ground clutching his throat and gasping for breath.
The Headmaster cocked his head as if listening to someone.
"Professor Dumbledore!" McGonagall pleaded, "How about you try some lemon drops?!"
Dumbledore paused and cocked his head as if listening to something before giving her a warm, grandfatherly smile and nodding.
"That sounds like a wonderful idea Minerva, if you'll excuse me, I must return to my office. I have much work to do if I want to reclaim the Elder Wand."
He reached into one of the barrels and popped a lemon drop into his mouth.
He was content.
--
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End notes:
Forsooth: This fic is one we lovingly refer to as Lemon Drops.
Conquest: for obvious reasons.
Forsooth: unless you couldn't tell.
Conquest: unless you were illiterate and just looking at allll the nice pictures.
Forsooth: like the nice lil one you see when you click on the story.
Conquest: if you use the app that is.
Forsooth: is that how it works?
Conquest: yes, you use the app and I use the website.
Forsooth: alright, well back to the point. We hope you enjoyed. Please review, give us your feedback.
Conquest: and if you want more UNHINGED stories such as this…
Forsooth: PM or review and we might use it in another story or chapter.
Conquest: we do not use pigeon mail.
Forsooth: our cats like pigeons.
Conquest: and not in the good way. Alright finish this off Forsooth.
Forsooth: we like especially unhinged stories and we will legitimately consider writing whatever is suggested.