Author's Note
These are the only two drabbles I have complete as of this moment. There are other smaller fragments but it's not my highest priority work and writing this one really is dependent on being in the right mode. TW: this one's got canon-typical violence and some serious self worth issues, take care if that sort of stuff impacts you!
To love what is mortal; to hold it
Blood. There was so much blood, it surrounded her even with her eyes shut tight. Its sticky, cloying smell filled her nose while it pooled on the tatami mats under her feet. She could feel it, sliding down her face and hands, a metallic taste filling her mouth, but she would not look. She could not look and see the carnage before her, not again.
Suddenly, screams rent the air, and hands grabbed at her legs, shoulders, and arms. She stumbled back, eyes still firmly shut, trying to dislodge the death grips on her body. They wouldn't budge just as they never had before.
"You let us die!" A voice wailed, and bile rose in her throat. Hands tightened around her shoulders and her mother's voice screamed into her ears. "You worthless shit! You deserve to choke on our blood, the blood that stains your hands!"
Nozomi jerked away, tears burning in her closed eyes. 'It's just a dream!' her mind screamed, but she teetered on the edge of despair, of hopelessness and grief. Her dream mother continued to scream in her ears, repeating all the thoughts that kept her company in the dark hours of the night. 'Wake up!'
But she couldn't wake up, not with her eyes shut so tightly. She always had to open them, in the end, to face the horrors of that night the darkest edges of her thoughts forced upon her when she was helpless, locked in sleep's sweet embrace. But no matter how many times she relived it, she could not face it willingly.
"Murderer." A new voice whispered in her ear, drowning out her mother's screaming and raging. "Exterminator. Butcher. Slaughterer." Her father sang to her as he dug his fingers into her flesh, slicing open her arms. "Unworthy monster, stain upon our storied family name, hell spawn." Sharp pain punctured each phrase, blood weeping from each deep slash he inflicted upon her face.
The pain was growing unbearable, the screeching of her mother's voice mingling with her father's deadly whispers, all while they clawed and ripped her apart. She had to open her eyes, to stop them now, before she lost herself in the pain.
"Look at me!" Her father roared, startling Nozomi, her eyes snapping open. A scream tore from her throat as her father, his teeth and nails elongated, his once golden eyes black as night, slashed her left eye, blinding her. Recoiling, she ripped herself from his grasp and stepped back, only to stumble and land on her back. Her mother, severely mutilated, lay beside her, her jawless head screaming obscenities at her daughter. And all around them, bodies and blood mingled on the floor, faces of her loved ones frozen in their death throes.
"You did this!" Her father threw himself on top of her, claws rending her flesh. She sobbed, raising her arms to protect her face from his furious attacks. "You killed us all!"
"I'm sorry." She choked, tears streaming from her one good eye. "I didn't mean toâ" Her words died as he ripped her throat out. A gurgle escaped her ruined windpipe, and she watched in abject horror as her father grinned down at her, his hand gently caressing her jaw.
"Your only atonement is in death." A snaping sound filled Nozomi's ears and darkness flooded her vision as her neck broke, hurtling her into oblivion's yawning jaws.
XxXxXx
Nozomi jolted awake with a scream, thrashing under Kyojuro's strong grip. He felt her hands wrap around his forearms as she tried to free herself from his hold.
"Nozomi." He pleaded, trying to reach his friend in her panicked state. "It's me, Kyojuro." Her hands ceased their movements, and she blinked, looking up at him through her disheveled bangs. Her gray green eyes widened, as she stared at him, her chest heaving.
"Kyojuro?" He nodded, a small smile curling his lips. A sob escaped her and she threw her arms around him, dragging him down onto her futon.
"Nozomi!" He yelped, concern lacing his voice as she shook in his arms. "Shh, everything is alright, you're safe." Sobs continued to rake her frame, and Kyojuro simply tightened his grip, drawing her to his chest.
The ice-cold fear that had gripped his heart when her screams shook him from sleep slowly melted as she clung to him, her warm tears dampening his yukata. Their joint mission to this coastal town, terrorized by demons during their famous cherry viewing festival, had been a resounding success.
They had fought a number of demons, all working for the benefit of Lower Moon Two. Reflecting on the mission, it seemed as if sending two hashira had been overkill, but a staggering number of people had been killed before the Corps sent him and Nozomi to investigate. Even he had worried they were going to find an Upper Moon. But instead, the real trial was finding an inn with any open rooms, the disappearances doing nothing to quell the crowds gathering to see the delicate blossoms.
The only room they found was in a seedy little inn, even he had struggled to find something nice to say about the place. But the proprietor had asked them no questions, instead only thanking them for their help, and refusing to accept payment. He seemed to recognize them as members of the Corps, and both of them had been pleased with this turn of events until they reached the shoebox sized room with a single futon.
The ensuing argument had surely been heard by everyone in the inn, but eventually Kyojuro had won and convinced Nozomi to take the futon while he slept on the tatami mats in front of the door. The circles under his dearest friend's eyes were even more prominent than normal, a deep slash of purple on a face that was alarmingly pale. But she had fought with an impressive ferocity, indeed she had grown even more skilled in the year they had not seen each other.
Now though, Kyojuro understood why she was so sleep deprived. The terror in her eyes when she woke up, it made his heart ache, and the unexpected (but decidedly not unwelcomed a small voice whispered in the back of his head) physical contact made it abundantly clear sleep was not restful for her.
"Kyojuro?" Nozomi's small whispered drew him from his musings, and he looked down at the young woman clutched to his chest. "I'm so sorry for waking you."
He sighed; her apology was unnecessary but not unexpected. "Please Nozomi, do not apologize. I'm only glad I was here to offer what little comfort I could in the face of such nightmares."
He watched, his heart sinking, as her eyes, which had been vulnerable and brimming with emotion moments before, hardened.
"I'm pathetic." She scoffed, her grip on him loosening. "Brought to the brink by dreams. Haunted by my past." Kyojuro shook his head, his own grip on Nozomi tightening.
"Don't call yourself that. You're not pathetic." He whispered fiercely, his eyes blazing as she looked away from him. "You're phenomenal; you give your all in everything you do and I cannot express the depths of my admiration for you."
"Kyojuro, don't exaggerate, please." She sounded tired, defeated as she stared up at the ceiling, seemingly unbothered by the very intimate position they were in.
"I'm not exaggerating, Nozomi." Passion laced his voice, Nozomi shivering as he said her name fervently, and Kyojuro felt a jolt of desire for the woman in his arms. Shoving that feeling down deep inside him, he leaned forward to look into her eyes. "Was the nightmare about Takashi?"
Slowly, Nozomi closed her eyes and shook her head. "No," she breathed, eyes squeezed shut, "it was about my 12th birthday."
He stifled a gasp, willing his body to not tense at this news, not when she was still cradled in his arms. She had never spoken about it, not with anyone but the Master. He didn't think she even spoke about it with her younger sister who witnessed the night but was young enough it didn't seem to leave the same scars on her.
"Do you wish to discuss it? I know you might prefer to forget, but sometimes it is best to share such a burden with someone." Nozomi was silent for several moments, her irregular breathing betraying her nerves.
"You don't want to carry any of this burden." She breathed into the dark room, her bright eyes meeting his. "It's mine to carry until I find atonement." Kyojuro shook his head, his mane of red gold hair flashing in the corner of his vision.
"I would help you bear any weight this world puts on you. You're my oldest and dearest friend, please let me ease whatever I can." Something he did not recognize flashed through Nozomi's eyes as she watched him leaning over her, his pleading tone clearly striking a chord within her. Slowly, hesitantly, she nodded and disentangled herself from his embrace, sitting up.
"I don't know how to talk about this." She began after he folded his legs under him, facing her. "I was late, arriving at my grandparents home many hours after dinner was supposed to begin. The house was dark and there were no lanterns burning so I assumed everyone had retired for the night."
She began tugging at the hem of her yukata, hands fiddling nervously with the fabric. "But the smellâ" Her breath hitched and Kyojuro instinctively reached out, grasping her nervous hands with his own. "I knew what I was going to find before I opened the door, but that did nothing to prepare me for it."
She took a steadying breath, her head bent towards their entwined hands. He gently squeezed her fingers in what he hoped was a grounding gesture. "Most of them were dead. My family, the entirety of the Soejima clan, was slaughtered that night. The faces of my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, forever frozen in pain and fear looked up at me. They'd all been ripped apart by something, multiple somethings, and there was blood everywhere. It smelled terrible."
Kyojuro stared at Nozomi, internally his stomach churned, but he simply nodded at her to continue. "I didn't realize exactly, that those were my flesh and blood. And it didn't matter, in that moment, I knew there were demons somewhere in the house, and I needed to kill them before I let myself break down."
His heart seized as he thought of her as she was before that night, the bright and feisty girl who he followed around like a loyal puppy. They were always getting into trouble, mostly thanks to her sharp tongue and headstrong attitude. That girl had died that night, he was certain, in the Soejima estate.
"There were someâ demons feasting on the carnage. I dispatched them so easily, unwilling to face the fact that they were my kin. But they were: some cousins, an aunt, and I slaughtered them for what they had become. But I didn't see my parents or Yumi, so I thought they had escaped, perhaps they had dispatched whatever demon turned our relatives before running." Her lips twisted into a mocking smile. "What a little fool I was."
"Nozomiâ" He began but she shook her head once and his words died in his throat.
"Don't Kyo, please. I won't finish this if you interrupt me, I need to keep going." He nodded; his lips set in a thin line. "They didn't escape. I found them, in the kitchen. My mother had taken Yumi and hide her away in the cupboards. Hidden her fromâ my father."
A tense silence descended upon them while Nozomi took careful, steadying breaths. He suddenly knew, with horrifying clarity, how this night ended.
"He'd killed her, the love of his live, and eaten part of her. Her headâ it was on the floor looking up at me as I entered the kitchen. And he was there, crouched over her body. Her sword was on the ground, discarded. When he saw me, he didn't even hesitate. He threw himself at me, slashed my face open."
Kyojuro's eyes went to the scar across her left cheek, three sharp lines marring the skin, faded and silvery. The horror of fighting a demon, someone who had once been her father, he couldn't imagine the guilt and fear that must fester in her heart.
"It was easy, decapitating him." Nozomi's tone was lifeless, her head still bent and eyes downcast. "My mother should've been able to do it, she had been Kinoe before she left the Corps. I was only a Hinoe at that time but he was a freshly turned demon. It wasn't even him that slaughtered the rest of my family, Yumi told me afterwards that another demon came into the house and killed most of them, before turning my father and the others then leaving. But my mother couldn't do it, couldn't bring herself to kill her husband even to save her youngest child."
"Yumi didn't see any of it, she heard my mother's screams but stayed in the cupboard until I found her. I wrapped her in my haori so she couldn't see what happened and carried her to the Butterfly Mansion."
Silence fell and Nozomi looked up at him, her eyes red rimmed. Kyojuro's mind reeled as he watched her, remembering the first time he saw her after he heard the Soejima clan had all been killed except for the three siblings. He had grown up knowing many of Nozomi's family members, the Soejima estate was only a half a day from the Rengoku estate, but nothing more was shared than a powerful demon had massacred the gathered clan in the night.
Slowly, he reached out and placed his hand on her cheek, covering the scars left by her father. She inhaled sharply, eyes never wavering from his. "I'm so sorry, Nozomi." She seemed to deflate, and the tears welling in her eyes began to fall.
"I had to put down my relatives. I killed my own father." She hiccupped between sobs, and in that moment Kyojuro understood what haunted her in the night. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her for a second time that night, pressing her to his chest. She gripped the neckline of his yukata, holding onto the fabric like it was the only thing keeping her from falling through the floor.
He smoothed her gray hair gently as he whispered in her ear. She was brave and valiant, and she had saved her sister's life. She continued to cry; grief that had been buried deep inside her for years erupting. And all he could do was hold her and tell her she was not a monster for killing any of them, her father and the others had died the moment that demon changed them.
In the darkest corners of his mind, he cursed her mother for her inability to spare her child the horror of slaying her father, though he knew it was unfair. He doubted his father could have killed his mother, had she been turned, but it still didn't mean Nozomi's mother had not failed her in that moment. A parent's job was to protect their children, and her mother had failed her just like his father had failed his brother.
Slowly, her sobs ceased and her death grip on his yukata lessened. His own grip on her remained tight, uncertain how she would react now that she was no longer lost in the throes of grief. She had grown cold and angry over the years, especially after her brother's death at the hands of an Upper Moon. Sometimes he saw flashes of that vibrant girl he had known, the girl he had loved, and he knew she was still in there under the icy mask she wore to protect herself. He knew that deep inside her she still burned with passion.
"Thank you." Kyojuro's eyes widened as he processed her words. "I needed to share that, to confront that it happened."
"I'm honored you felt safe enough to share it with me." He felt her laugh against his chest. Confused, he pulled away and looked down at her. She smiled up at him, and he lost the ability to breath.
"I always feel safe when I'm with you, Kyo. I worried that if I told you about what happened, you would call me a murderer, just like they do in my dreams."
"Never." He gasped, still struggling to regain control of his breathing. "I would never call you that because you are not a murderer."
"I know that I'm not, but I feel like I am one." She admitted, her face falling. "And every night I go to sleep, they're there waiting for me, telling me I failed them for not being there to save them, to stop that demon from turning my father."
"They're wrong." He ground out stubbornly, his hand gently gripping her chin and tilting his face to look at her. "If you had been there, you would've died too. And I would've lost my best friend, and the world would've lost the Tempest Hashira."
She nodded slightly, and he released his gentle hold on her face. "I don't know if that will stop the nightmares." She sighed, tugging a hand roughly through her messy gray hair. "They've gotten worse over the past few months. This is the first night I've tried to sleep in three weeks, and that nightmare was the worst one yet."
"I'll keep you company." The words tumbled out of his mouth without his consent. "I meanâ" He stuttered, a crimson blush blooming across his face. Nozomi's face was similarly bright as she stared at him. "What I meant to say isâ" He trailed off, unsure what it was that he meant to say when he hadn't meant to say anything at all.
"Would you stay here with me?" Nozomi grew even redder as she asked, and Kyojuro was certain she could hear his pounding heart. "It helps, to have someone close to me."
Kyojuro mutely nodded, shoving the lance of jealousy that tore through him down. He had heard the rumors, Mitsuri had told him herself, that something was going on between Nozomi and the Wind Hashira, but hearing Nozomi allude to it even briefly hurt his heart more than he thought was possible.
"I can sleep here next to your futon." He didn't want to put her in a tense position with Sanemi, whose emotional volatility he was certain extended to relationships. She narrowed her eyes, searching his face as he stared at her.
"Kyo, you don't need to be the perfect gentleman right now." His eyes widened at her. "I'm not a blushing civilian, we can share a futon. And," She added as he opened his mouth to ask about how the Wind Hashira would feel, "if you're thinking about our fellow hashira, since it seems like everyone knew about that and thought it was their business, we've gone our separate ways."
"Oh." There wasn't really anything else for him to say. It wasn't his business, or anyone else's for that matter, what had happened between her and Sanemi. Instead, he grabbed her hand and squeezed it, and she returned the gesture with a gentle smile.
She slipped under the blanket and held it up for him, and he settled on the futon next to her. His blood roared in his ears as he felt her press against his side, his arms moving of their own volition to pull her flush against him.
"You're so warm." He let out a nervous laugh, suddenly embarrassed by the fierce fire that seemed to burn inside his very being. No one ever mentioned it, but he also had never been this close to someone like this before. Even he could feel how warm he was, his already hot temperature spiking at this close proximity to a woman he thought was very beautiful.
"I'm sorry." Nozomi tensed, and pushed herself up until she made eye contact with him in the dark room.
"No, please don't be sorry, I like it. It's nice, safe."
Safe. Kyojuro grinned at her before pulling her back down, tucking her into the curve of his body. Sleep took Nozomi quickly, he felt her even breathing against his chest for several hours, too giddy to sleep. He made her feel safe. In a world as dangerous as theirs, there is no greater compliment.