One-Shot: Don't Blow It
Amy Santiago jumped up from the bedspread as the door to Holt and Kevin's bedroom suddenly burst open. She breathed a little easier, if only slightly, once she saw it was Jake – who apparently had some snooping designs of his own. If she didn't know any better, and if Jake was annoyed with her at all, it was because she had gotten the idea to go snooping first!
At least it was him and not Terry chastising them.
Jake was muttering about finding a certain copy of New Yorker magazine and reading it so he wouldn't look like he was all Republican, slavery-is-actually-good in front of Holt's husband (Amy held in a smug snort at this – Jake trying to be all intellectual only to paint himself into a trap!).
Suddenly, voices could be heard in the hallway and coming closer. "I don't know why we have to have this discussion again…."
Amy and Jake shared a horrified look with each other. 'The Captain!' Amy mouthed, and if she hadn't been conscious over not making a sound, she would have squeaked it.
Jake thought fast. Eyes darting to the door leading into the adjacent bathroom, he grabbed Amy by the hand and yanked her inside, closing the door behind them.
And not a moment too soon. Seconds later, Amy and Jake could hear the door to the master bedroom opening, and the voices of Holt and Kevin wafting in from just outside.
"Why are you upset with me? Your employees are the ones putting a damper on the party – they are acting terribly!"
"You're the one who's been acting terribly tonight!" Holt scolded.
Inside the bathroom, Amy and Jake shared a look with each other; Amy winced. The last thing she wanted to do, even on this little reconnaissance mission of hers, was be privy to a spousal spat – that was actually more than she would have ever wanted to know about her captain.
"…. You've been curt and snobby with my guests! You've been needling poor Peralta so much, you've practically made him a new suit!"
Jake snorted. "I wish! This sport coat is rented!" Amy sent her partner a bemused look.
"'Needled him a new suit!' Even when we're fighting, you're hilarious! Stop it!" Kevin snapped petulantly.
In the bathroom, Amy suddenly sucked in a breath. "Oh no…. dog! ….. Allergies!" The pair watched as Cheddar, Holt's damn corgi, came wiggling up towards them. Jake didn't know why Captain Holt didn't just use a kennel cage instead of locking his pet in the bathroom during an important dinner function, especially not when the latter decision was leaving Amy in danger of sneezing uncontrollably.
"No!... Get away!... Grab the dog!" Amy was squeaking in a whisper, attempting to dance around Cheddar and retreat to the opposite corner of the bathroom. Jake awkwardly picked up the dog, glancing to Amy in befuddlement. Was he just supposed to stand here, keeping his distance from her while holding a dog? Did Amy expect him to take the dog out of the bathroom to spare her allergies, even if it gave them both away and guaranteed they would be caught and embarrassed by their hosts, and possibly reprimanded by their boss?
Jake glared down at the corgi. "Look at me…. Do Not. Blow this for us!" Cheddar stared back at him adorably, tongue lolling out and panting.
"…. You know what, I knew this wasn't going to work; it never has. We should have just gone out for dinner to a restaurant like we do every year. Why did you make me invite them?" Kevin was ranting.
"I made you invite them because I like them…. They're good people…."
Jake watched in horror as Amy's nose started to scrunch up dangerously. She was going to start sneezing! And there was no way Captain Holt and Kevin wouldn't here it through the door!
In desperation, Jake did the only thing he could. Tossing Cheddar into the bathtub and ignoring how the poor puppy let out a startled yelp, Jake lunged across the bathroom, yanked Amy into his arms and shoved his lips onto hers to silence her.
The kiss was clumsy and desperate, and Amy's wind-up to a sneeze quickly and sharply turned into startled and muffled squeaks. For just a moment her hands shook oddly, almost flapped from where they hung at her sides…
…. But then, she suddenly relaxed in his arms and whatever sneeze had been building now died a peaceful death in her throat. Amy felt her lips unconsciously part under Jake's insistent ones; the domineering passion of his kiss bizarrely thrilled her to the point where she was starting to kiss her back.
"What was that….? Cheddar? Snookums, are you OK in…. here….?" The door to the bathroom opened, followed by Holt's voice trailing off in shock at the sight he now walked in on. Too late, Amy and Jake snapped apart, their arms still around each other. Holt glanced between his two best detectives; behind him, his husband had a loaded eyebrow nearly disappearing into his receding hairline.
Holt let out a put-upon sigh. "…. Santiago, are you making out with Peralta while hiding in my bathroom with a dog who you're deathly allergic too?"
Amy shot a wild-eyed look at Jake before dropping her hands as if scalded from where they'd been gripping her partner's forearms. She looked flushed and scandalized, yet sheepish at the same time.
"….. No…..?"
Jake winced. "Occupied….?"
Holt's expression hardened into its usually, emotionless mask. "Both of you, downstairs in the next sixty seconds, and maybe I'll forget to write you both up for trespassing on personal property." He turned and prowled from the room, all but rolling his eyes. Kevin sent the pair an awkward grimace and followed his husband out.
For a moment, Amy and Jake just glanced at each other awkwardly before just as quickly looking away. Amy finally cleared her throat.
"That, uh…. was some quick thinking on your part."
Jake sighed. "Yeah, except it still didn't work…"
"'Still Didn't Work' – title of your sex tape!" Amy smirked. "Seriously, Jake: thank you. I could feel that sneeze coming and I didn't want to blow it!"
Jake smiled. "The only thing you blew was our cover!" A beat, and then: "Also: 'I Didn't Want to Blow It' – title of your sex tape!"
Amy attempted a half-hearted jeer, even as her cheeks flooded pink. "Shut up." And she flounced past him at a trot out of the bathroom, Jake watching her go and how her shoulders now shook as his beautiful partner finally allowed herself that violent sneeze.