The nightmares continue. They are distressingly different here in the material world, both more abstract and more familiar.
The connection to Aang feels like a taut rope that finally snaps. Korra can feel him shatter like a pane of glass struck by a rock, and as she grabs for him the pieces disintegrate and blow away on the wind, weightless, flowing through her fingers. Roku's aged face looks mournful as he ignites. A fierce Kyoshi judges her as thunderous cracks rip her in twain, a quake carving through stone. They each crumble, into ashes or snow or grit, ignoring pleas to stay with her. She sees them all, feels them all. It's a dream she's had many times over the years, but this one is particularly gut-wrenching as this time she recognizes the air nomad Avatar, Dawa, and little Kouji. Their eyes remain closed, heads bowed, unknowable.
Perhaps Kouji could have been a lavabender if only he'd had more time. He could've brought peace to his world.
Maybe Dawa could have been beloved, or could have flown, if only their peers believed in them. Fate, predestination or whatever it is called denied them the chance at such greatness.
Korra awakens with her heart pounding in her chest. The idea that the Avatar isn't in control of anything is the most disturbing part.
She's in Asami's bedroom again as they've made a habit of sleeping here together. The room is awash in yellow light from the spirit portal outside of the adjacent balcony, but the doors are open this night, allowing the crisp air in. It's beginning to smell like winter. Their blankets and furs are thick, and the women have been sleeping wrapped around one another most nights in efforts to keep out the chill they've purposely created. It's a fun sport, as there are many ways to keep each other warm.
She didn't intend to wake up Asami, but likely did from the tension in her body or a sound she made. Korra is wrapped around Asami from behind, both nude, an arm thrown around her waist. When her girlfriend turns her head slightly to glance behind her, Korra sees that she has been woken accidentally, her sleepy gaze a question.
"Sorry," Korra whispers, her voice thick. Grateful for her companion's unwavering presence, she adds for good measure, "I love you."
In reply, a hand finds Korra's, already resting low on Asami's abdomen.
Asami's inhale is deep with restfulness and something more as she rocks herself back into Korra, her fingers nudging downward in wordless suggestion. Korra accepts Asami's cue, grateful for the physical distraction. Anything to clear her mind.
She thought sex would help to open her water chakra, as Tenzin implied. For the past several weeks following her meeting with Tenzin, Korra has focused on embracing the attributes listed in the book he'd given her. Intimacy, sensuality, giving and receiving pleasure, the divinely feminine. Korra feels such divinity now, fingers turning slick and hot from the feel of her there. Asami might've been dreaming about something totally different. Her legs part in wanton enthusiasm, inviting Korra in.
Quiet gasps and encouraging words are like music to her ears. In their time together, Korra has learned that Asami holds her breath in the moments before she comes, and the exhale upon release proves to be as tremulous as her body. It's a precious morsel of a secret few in this world will ever know.
Korra savors doing this for her, giving Asami such pleasure they can think of nothing else but being here at this moment in time. It is a good distraction, in any case, as Korra draws the blankets down off of them, exposing all of Asami to the air. She's laid back as Korra finds her again with her mouth this time, fingers pushing in and up in the way she likes, making Asami shudder and moan. She squeezes around her, bucking her hips, and Korra vaguely understands how this sort of thing could bring someone closer to enlightenment.
Asami adores this too. As much as she subverts the 'pretty, rich girl' cliche, she likes being pampered in this way, serviced again and again. This feels like something Korra can achieve, like a puzzle she's quickly and enthusiastically learned how to piece together. She doesn't always expect anything in return, even as Asami readily returns the favor. Watching such a woman whimper and convulse under her ministrations is beyond rewarding.
Asami finishes after a time, all sticky sweetness and sighs. Korra's mouth lingers in a kiss against her thigh, eyes peering up to meet her girlfriend's.
A nipple is being lazily rolled under Asami's fingers, her eyes half-lidded and not from tiredness.
Asami murmurs her love. She's said it a few times during, but makes sure Korra hears her say it again, not in the heat of the moment. The words are not new for them as of late. The feeling isn't new to them at all, its verbalization proving to be an affirmation, a testament, that they're not going anywhere.
Returning to her, Korra crawls up so she may nibble the pale expanse of her belly, her chest, the column of Asami's throat. She loves this, too, squirming and undulating as Korra sucks at the sensitive skin of her neck. After a while Korra stops to let the both of them catch their breath.
"Do you want me to…?" Asami asks, and she doesn't need to finish the question before Korra stops her.
"I'm fine," Korra says. "You know I love doing that. But thank you."
Asami chuckles. Korra props herself over top of Asami, if only to rest in absolute proximity to her, to feel the softness of the body beneath her. Asami's hands draw up and down Korra's shoulders and back, feeling the musculature there, drawing lazy circles that intend to be more soothing than arousing.
Korra thinks again of the water chakra. They haven't been able to open it with this sort of activity alone. They even spent one night with the pendulum, testing to see if anything could change the manner of its sway. A lot of fun, but no, sex wasn't the answer after all.
She knows it's blocked by guilt. From what she can discern from the book's flowery prose, the water chakra becomes choked by the fear of judgment, repression, emotional wounds, nightmares.
The nightmares have buffeted her for a long time. Even the Equalists from so long ago would terrify her, but ever since Harmonic Convergence, she's been bothered more so by her failures and losses than by any threat. It's the guilt of losing the Avatars that's eating away at her, stifling her chakra now, and Korra doesn't know how to overcome those thoughts. Her guilt from losing the Avatars was the entire reason she began this quest.
The endeavor to add housing progresses. A tapestry of hundreds of newly constructed homes line the outskirts of the city with the promise of more to follow. For a local newspaper, Korra is pictured shaking hands with developers against the backdrop of a partially constructed new high-rise – it's good publicity for the company and a tolerable PR boost for the Avatar. She extends herself in this endeavor not merely out of duty, but in solidarity for Asami, whose company helped to fund this building's development. President Raiko hasn't supplied the funding needed to rebuild to the scale this city requires. Most ambitious reconstruction plans have faltered in his hesitancy to help.
One of the security personnel for this event is Mako, seemingly by chance. Korra's found him patrolling the evacuee encampments a few times, rooting out any presence of gang activity or criminal mischief. Today he's standing straight-backed and stone-faced on the sidelines of the press event. She waves enthusiastically to him, catching his eye and making his expression twitch.
When the event is over and she's finished chatting with all the figures she's obligated to, Korra jogs to catch up with Mako as he helps escort bystanders from the area.
"Care to detain me, officer?"
Mako eyes Korra over as if debating whether to answer that. He's starting to style his hair forward and up again, instead of combed down like it had been when he worked for Prince Wu. That tailored uniform seems to make him look taller than she remembered. Maybe it's just the stiffness of his posture.
"Let me check," he says, knowing what she's really asking. He tells her to wait for a moment while he finds his supervisor. Korra smiles awkwardly at civilians who recognize her, waving at some, allowing a child to hug her knee before their mother pries them off. Mako returns a few moments later. "You have good timing. I can take a quick break now, if you want to catch up over lunch."
Although they've seen each other in passing a few times since they left the spirit world, they haven't had much opportunity to sit down and talk. She previously told him Tenzin shared more information about chakras and gave a pendulum to her. Now she can figure out which specific chakras are blocked. But it's been weeks since then and she hasn't given Mako an update since.
They agree to noodles. They're on the wrong side of town from Narook's, though, and as much as she loves seaweed noodles she'll settle for buckwheat if it means she can spend more time sitting with him. Korra's grateful it isn't busy at this little noodle shop, and no one seems to recognize her as they take to a booth in a corner, sitting opposite one another. He pulls his gloves and uniform jacket off to relax a bit.
Korra manages a single bite from her bowl before Mako asks, "How's the research going?"
She swallows hard. No progress has been made. But her methodology so far is a bit embarrassing to talk about, and probably being done incorrectly, so it shouldn't be surprising she's gotten nowhere. "I'm still working on my water chakra, I think. It's not budging."
He nods as if expecting that. He pokes at his noodles, dipping them back down into the dark broth. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
It's an innocent question. He doesn't know anything about the water chakra, how it's blocked nor the purpose it serves. Even the final notes they took in the spirit library were hastily written by her and not Mako.
"Um…" Her voice falters, highlighting her discomfort, and the concerned look he gives her only adds to her nervousness. "No, I think I should figure this one out on my own. Asami's helping me, anyway."
Mako begins eating too, letting a span of silence fall between them. He wants to know more, to help in any way he can, but he doesn't press her for information here. He is more than familiar with Korra's hesitance to communicate with anyone beyond Asami.
Korra feels frustrated by how anxious Mako still makes her. Nothing he's doing is wrong, but just being around him feels like he's inadvertently kindling embers she didn't know were still buried inside her. She used to study his face, the strength of his eyebrows, the amber of his eyes, the shape of his lips. Tracing his features with her fingertip was a late night hobby of hers, but that feels like a lifetime ago. She can't even do the same with her gaze now, eyes cast down to study the curves of her noodles instead.
"Tenzin says it has something to do with sex," she says after a while. She desperately wants to explain to him why she's refusing his aid. It isn't for lack of appreciation for all he does. Mako is more than willing to lay down his life for her, sabotage his well-being for her, if she so much as asked. It's the least she can do to be honest and explain why she cannot accept help now. "The water chakra, I mean."
"I see." He leans against the back of the booth, expression unreadable as he considers that. "I didn't know that had anything to do with spiritual wellness."
"Or it's more like intimacy, sensuality or something. Not just physical." She waves her chopsticks dismissively. "Regardless, I think my problem is what's blocking it. Guilt and nightmares, if I'm deciphering Tenzin's book right."
"What are you feeling guilty about?"
A bitter smile twists at her mouth. She could probably go on for hours listing every decision she regrets. "Where do I start? Losing Raava. Losing the Avatars. I feel bad for getting hurt and nearly dying. For taking years to recuperate. I feel bad for this city, having spirit wilds on their front doorstep, a portal bursting through downtown. Even the vines are still a problem for satomobiles."
"You know none of that was your fault," he says sternly. His head ducks down to catch her eye and draw her attention back to his face. "Listen, Korra. All of that was beyond your control. You did everything you could to protect people. And this is just one city of many, so if people don't like the spirits and vines they can leave. Our worlds needed to reconnect."
"I still feel bad for everything." It's hard putting all this into words. But maybe this is what she must do, learning to be honest with herself, honest with others. She doesn't expect him to understand how the frustration over her own failures has built up and solidified in her heart. "I think about your parents, and Asami's parents. Her mom was killed and her dad was radicalized because I wasn't here to keep everyone safe. You had to grow up too fast because a vacuum of power let this city fester."
"You were a child back then. No one expects you to prevent every crime in the world. Shit happens. Street crime can be dealt with by people like me. I can't bring balance to the world, but you can. And you have."
"I know." She recognizes that her thoughts are foolish. She readily acknowledges her inability to change the past – there is no going back in time, only looking back and feeling a certain way about what one sees. If it's possible to grow past this, she's supposedly choosing to be mired in guilt and lamentation, letting herself be held back by her misery. But transcending these emotions is easier said than done. "These are just things I need to work through."
"Look." He rests his left arm on the table, pulling the white sleeve of his shirt up to show the burn scarring on his forearm. "You gave me my arm and firebending back. You returned my life to normalcy. I know you have more responsibility than anyone, and I can't imagine what you've gone through, but I want you to remember the changes you've made for the better."
She allows herself to touch, if just to remind herself that what he's saying is real and true. Her fingers find him, his skin warm and smooth as she trails from the crease of his elbow to his wrist. She reaches out to feel the strength of his chi beyond the flesh, thrumming in him, growing stronger.
"I don't think you've lived a normal day since you met me," she says.
The tension of the moment is split then. Mako breaks into a smile and Korra follows suit. Both of them have to laugh at the absolutely ridiculous path she's led him down. He was a pro-bender before he met Korra, and somehow got sucked into fighting spirits and giant robots in the years to follow.
"I wouldn't change anything," he attests. When her hand drifts down to feel the rougher skin of his upturned palm, he curls his fingers to catch hers in his own.
He's wrong. Of course he would change something if he could. She can feel it in the weight of his gaze, and the gentleness of his touch, even if his transparency is unintentional. Mako isn't trying to make a move here. Korra can tell he just wants her to listen, to understand how earnest and supportive he is. As constipated as he is with his emotions, she can feel love ooze out of him unbidden, even so. She feels how besotted he is, how heartsick he is, just existing in her presence.
She doesn't want to toy with his heart like this. She knows that he isn't intentionally toying with hers, even if it feels like her chest is full to bursting under his gaze, with her hand in his.
Their fingers part.
She pokes her noodles instead, less hungry now.
The more she teases through the complexity of her feelings, the more guilt she feels.
"I was trying to gain a better understanding of the water chakra," Asami begins to explain.
She has brought Korra to her workshop, intending to showcase a personal project she's been working on in her free time. When Asami holds up the prototype of something, Korra doesn't understand what it's meant to be. It's a mass of leather and buckles. Thin brown straps loop together in different ways, each section able to be tightened like a belt. The top part looks like a belt for a waist, at least, and the bottoms look like they'd go… under. Around.
"Legs through these holes," Asami confirms just as Korra begins to realize how it could be worn. "I just need you to metalbend a little something for right here." Her hand mimes a jerking motion in front of it.
When Korra approaches the apparatus, she snorts a laugh at how well-constructed it is. There's a loop in the center that could be used to hold an object in place, directly in front of someone's hips. "I thought we figured out sex isn't the answer."
"We haven't tried it like this," she says playfully. When Korra eyes her, Asami pouts her lips cutely. "But also! As I was saying, I was trying to decipher your book. It says a great deal about maintaining and exploring one's creative energy. I thought maybe if you assisted in constructing a phallus for this, it would help to activate that creative part of your mind."
"Phallus." Korra tests the word. "You want me to sculpt a cock for your harness? Is that right?"
"Or whatever shape you want," Asami agrees. She slides a cube of metal to Korra. "Whatever size you want. This is surgical steel. Procured exclusively for this."
Korra picks up the cube and feels the weight of it. She flexes, metalbending it in her hand, turning the inside hollow. Asami watches raptly as Korra debates with herself, testing to see what it looks like curved or straight, smooth or ridged. She knows what it will be used for, but having had no experience with such a toy she cannot imagine what would feel best, beyond making it look like an actual penis. Korra decides against directly copying what she knows.
She settles on a slight curve up, moderately thick, and ultra smooth. She flares the base so it may be set within the harness, then gives it a little bit of a broader front tip for good measure. Asami hides a smile behind her hand.
"This is what happens when I leave you to your own devices," Korra teases, handing the metal 'phallus' back. "Is this what you pictured? I didn't want to, uh, add too much detail."
Asami checks how it fits within the center loop. "We can test it out later," she promises. "I like your design choices. And if you decide you want bigger, it's only a little metalbending..."
She's naughty. As Asami turns to rest it on the table, Korra approaches her from behind.
"Am I trying it out on you?" Korra murmurs, letting her hands settle across Asami's hips. "Do you want bigger?"
Asami turns in her arms, looking coy. "I wanted to try it on you." Her fingers tease at the top fringe of Korra's pants. "I owe you a few rounds, don't I?"
"Don't think of it like that," Korra replies, but as she draws their hips together there's a twinge in her belly that seems to agree with Asami. There's finesse to pleasuring someone with fingers and tongue, she's learned, but there's something primal about being stuffed that scratches a different sort of itch. "You don't owe me anything just because I can't resist putting my mouth on you."
Korra considers clearing the table and fucking her here and now. It's the right height for it.
But Asami has other work to do.
"Later then," Korra promises, and the agreeable squeeze Asami gives to Korra's rear stays in her mind for the next several hours.
They've had their fun in other places, but what comes naturally is falling into Asami's bed together, again and again. Their relationship is still so new, maybe that's why there's such passion and hunger between them; nearly every time they land here it turns physical. The chakra thing may even be a bit of an excuse to get Asami squirming needily under her.
Korra feels ravenous as her head finds its way between Asami's thighs once more.
"This wasn't the plan," Asami breathes. "I told you – Oh. Korra, I thought you were joking."
Her very unserious reprimands falter as she changes her mind and lets herself be swept away in this current. Asami is very communicative, and over the span of their physical relationship she's already taught Korra exactly what to do to her and where. With her mouth fixed in one place, it's just minutes before Korra hears Asami's whines and gasps pause as she reaches her climax. Her breath shakes out of her, quaking with the upward thrust of her hips against Korra's mouth.
Asami pants her name, pushing her fingers into Korra's short hair. When her name is said like that, Korra thinks about divinity again. Every time she does this, she feels a little closer. Or maybe she's just getting lightheaded.
When Asami takes initiative now, Korra relents, letting herself roll back onto the bed as Asami stands to put the harness thing on. It takes a moment to affix it snugly around her waist and legs. Korra could help, but she's too damn preoccupied admiring Asami's nude form, all its softness she wants to bury herself in. There's a few freckles on those thighs that Korra still has to count.
When Asami and the contraption are ready, she kneels between Korra's legs on the bed. The metal cock looks bigger from this angle. It makes Korra clench before they've even started with it. She knows she's more than wet enough for this, confirmed when Asami's fingers find her there.
Asami doesn't comment on the state of her, instead asking for confirmation, "Is this alright?"
It's okay, Korra nods. The sight of her girlfriend posturing with such a toy riles her up so much. It's more than okay as the fake cock rubs against her, then presses in slowly. It's cold at first, but stretches her so entirely in a way that's a new experience with Asami at the helm.
Korra hums in approval, clutching a pillow as she stares at the beautiful things about Asami in turns. Her tousled dark hair. The full lower lip that she bites into as she focuses. The breasts that fit perfectly in Korra's hands, with their pert, pink nipples. Korra reaches out to feel the weight of them and the delicate skin there, to rub her thumbs across the tips until those nipples are stiff and begging. Even the leather of the harness cinched around her waist is so maddeningly attractive.
Breath leaves her as she can feel the cock finally buried in her to the hilt. In and out, slowly getting Korra used to the sensation. It feels better than she expected, and it's so hot seeing Asami's look of concentration directed down to where they're joined.
Asami soon grabs Korra's hips to thrust more firmly, sensing Korra can take it and absolutely wants more. When Asami pulls one of Korra's legs up to change the angle, it aches in such a fabulous way. It fills and presses up so perfectly, Korra can't stop herself from becoming completely lost in the sensation.
She lets herself relax with eyes closed, tuning in to experience it all, letting it consume her. She wonders momentarily if it's hitting some physical analog to her water chakra. The nerves are so sensitive there. It isn't long before Korra is panting for more, begging for her to go harder, faster. She lets herself become vocal for her, letting Asami know what she's doing is exactly right.
Penetration was always the easiest way to make her orgasm, different from Asami in that regard. This alone will do the trick. She's so ready to come, it's more than enough when Asami presses one thumb into her clit, rubbing her with each stroke. Korra quickly trembles beneath Asami and cries out her pleasure.
A minute's grace is given to her before they're enticed to continue.
A second time, as Asami focuses on rubbing her quickly and fucking her more slowly and methodically, Korra comes so hard she sees white. Her moans are met with kisses and praise.
She's so sweaty and flushed, breathless, and she doesn't think she can go again. Even so, Korra finds herself pressing fingertips into Asami's backside, hungrily clawing her closer and down into her. She's so oversensitive now. Perhaps that is why she doesn't want to stop yet. There's a tension wound so tightly deep within her, the repeated penetration tips Korra over some invisible edge and she gushes, making a complete mess of the bed. It's happened before, rarely, and they're both surprised to see it happen now with this method. Sultry coos of encouragement punctuated with each thrust trips Korra into another orgasm, this one weaker as her body is spent at last.
Korra feels so worn and satisfied by the time they're done, she feels like her bones are made of jelly. They're both beyond exhausted with sweat all but dripping off Asami. Korra cleans herself up while Asami takes care of the bed sheets. She isn't certain whether to be embarrassed by how messy and uninhibited that was. The shape of the metal cock railing her was exactly what she needed apparently... That's dangerous, because now she knows she will need it again.
Some time later, before they actually go to sleep, Korra reclines in just her undergarments atop freshly laundered bedsheets with her arms positioned behind her head. The soreness in her body is sweet. She still feels tingles, maybe, floating on the high that's been provided to her. Asami sits beside her, wearing a dainty nightgown so short Korra thinks she can count three thigh freckles now. She'll have to double-check later.
Asami reviews Korra's chakras again with the pendulum. Nothing has changed.
"It's okay," Korra says, trying to not let it frustrate her. "I figured this wasn't the right way to do it. As great as this is, I have to focus on the negative emotions that are holding me back first. Guilt is the big one."
"I didn't do it for this purpose." The pendulum is set aside. Asami's fingers mindlessly trail over the dips between Korra's abdominal muscles as she explains. "I am grateful to learn more about you. I didn't realize how passionate you could be with something like this… It makes me wish I had a real one, so I could feel your warmth in that way. Feeling you on my fingers, I can still only go so deep." She laughs. "Does that sound absurd?"
"You sound envious," Korra says. She immediately realizes the words and tone are quite rude, but Asami smiles shyly and shrugs.
"A bit," she acknowledges. "I've found myself wondering what Mako experienced with you. I think I've glimpsed it now. Everything we do is so fantastic, but I love seeing you come apart like that too. It's different... Insightful, discovering what you look and sound like in this way."
Korra is surprised she's saying his name aloud. Especially since they're in bed and it still feels so intimate. Naming him is like inviting him, or the memory of him, into this hallowed space. This isn't the first time it's happened either. She isn't sure what is appropriate to say here, so she tries to make light of it, dismissing his prowess even though Asami surely knows it's bullshit. "No offense to Mako, but… ah. No, he doesn't last three rounds."
"He's not bad," Asami defends. It's a bit of an understatement. They're both amused, but both clearly feel awkward with this turn of conversation. "I think there's something to be said about his… I'm sorry. Is this okay to talk about?"
"Yeah," Korra says slowly, letting her gaze drift up to the ceiling.
She knows she needs to tell Asami about what's been going on. If she must come to terms with her problematic emotions in order to move past them, then her guilt for having residual attraction toward Mako is one. She's realized that's what her problem has been. For whatever reason, Mako still makes her flustered. Seeing him makes her remember the best of him, and makes her want him, and that's not okay.
Plus she swore to herself that she would be honest with Asami in all things. It feels like lately she hasn't been forthright. That only compounds upon the guilt in her heart.
"I feel like," Korra starts hesitantly, "part of what's holding me back is that I'm not being open enough. We should be able to talk about stuff like this. Not just Mako, I mean, but everything. There's so much swimming around in my head that I don't tell anybody. I'm worried people will hate me, or I'll hurt them, if I speak honestly."
Asami's expression is more serious now. She lays down beside Korra, letting herself get settled for what they can tell will be an important conversation.
"About Mako," Asami says, not letting that tangent drift away. "And the spirit world. I am not sure why, but I kept thinking about him and you. Not in a jealous way – not like before, when we were younger. It felt kind of thrilling imagining you with him. Imagining you like that, anyway. I wanted to see it for myself."
Korra thinks of the harness. "And that inspired you?"
Asami is quiet. Affirmative.
She's trying to be brutally honest, too. To relieve her guilt by confession. But it's hard to be truthful when you're scared of what the other person will think.
Korra wants to console Asami, to tell her that she wants for nothing. Their relationship is beautiful. It is soft and kind and fulfilling. It's very much sexually gratifying, to boot, if the past few weeks are anything to show for it. They're both quite attentive and adept at figuring out precisely what the other person desires.
Instead of just soothing her, all the words Korra has silently rehearsed start tumbling out of her. If they're going to be brutally honest, this is the moment. She has to voice it all to strip its weight from her shoulders.
Korra has made a mental list of all the things she feels guilty about. Trusting Unalaq. Losing Raava and the Avatars. The city, the vines. Being hurt so severely. Not realizing the metal poison still resided inside her. Leaving everyone behind. For not communicating while she was recovering in the compound. For lying to everyone, disappearing for six months.
She feels guilty for playing with Asami's heart, all those years ago, drawing Mako away from her.
She feels guilty for playing with Mako's heart. For letting him wait and hold out hope.
She feels guilty for letting Mako touch her heart, even now, even when she's in love with another.
"I don't want anything from him," Korra tries to explain. It feels like she has a frog in her throat from how nervous she is. She doesn't want Asami to cry or to feel like she's being replaced or discarded for another. There's trauma there that Korra herself caused, and she doesn't know how to navigate around that while still being wholly honest. "And it doesn't mean anything. I think, as I'm trying to recover and move beyond all of this, my mind doesn't know what to think of him. He was an emotional comfort for a long time."
Asami has been laying on her side, hands tucked beneath her head, watching Korra speak at length. She's been worrying at one lip, visibly anxious.
"He's the same person," Asami understands. "The love you see in him today resonates with the memories of the love you shared back then. Nostalgia is a very powerful thing. I…" She swallows nervously, eventually closing her eyes in an effort to gather the confidence to speak. "There were times I felt that, too. That sentimentality. When you were gone, there were nights that were so lonely, and he was there. It just took a phone call, and he… He would show up. I relied on that, for a time."
Korra had imagined that might've been the case. They found it easy to be physical with one another, but their actual relationship never lasted long, thanks in part to Korra. They hadn't rekindled any sort of formal relationship while Korra was recovering. Informal was different.
"I wouldn't be mad about that," Korra tells her. She rolls toward Asami, letting herself come face to face with the other woman even as Asami's eyes remain closed. "None of us were dating. You have a history with him just as much as I do. What you, as a grown adult, did in your free time when I was away is none of my business."
"Sure," Asami says, "but it still feels complicated. My mind was always on you. When you were away, all I wanted was you, happy and healthy and here with me. And I had him. I knew he felt the same about you. We used each other. Well, 'used' is the wrong word – we comforted each other when we were stressed and needed that outlet… I didn't tell him I felt attracted to you because I was scared he would distance himself, in the same way I couldn't tell you. But in that final year, when you started writing back to me, he could tell I was distracted. I think I was the one who drifted away in the end."
Korra frowns, not understanding why or how she grew to be the target of both of their affections. "This doesn't need any explanation nor forgiveness. I hope you don't regret any of that for my sake. I wouldn't hold something like this against you."
Her eyes flutter open, finally meeting Korra's. "I'm saying this because I want you to understand. You're not alone. I think you can acknowledge love for him… Lust, even. We can't dictate our hearts."
"We can control our own actions," Korra reassures. "I promise, nothing has happened, and nothing will happen. I just want to overcome this."
"There's no reason for guilt," Asami says. "I understand how you feel more than anybody. Believe me."
Korra sits outside to greet the rising sun the following morning. It's still dark, and her eyes remain closed as she concentrates. She's found a perch atop the roof of Asami's mansion, initially intending to be alone, but of course she's never alone. A spirit has wandered a long way away from the portal and found her on this rooftop, drawn to her voice or warmth or something more. It's magenta and cat-like, with the puffy jowls of a tomcat, but it likes her well enough to have curled into her lap. It's a fine companion and does not seem to judge her process.
It's cold. She's put on some clothes now and has a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, but she's been out here for more than an hour, and the morning chill bites at her cheeks and ears.
Korra follows the path of chi within her own body. Looping again and again, down and up each limb, from her head to her toes. She can feel the loops within her torso now, concentrating around and connecting to specific areas she thinks are the chakra locations. She focuses exclusively on the second one from the bottom, her water chakra, located in the same place as her womb. When she started this meditation, it felt tense, heavy, burdened by emotional stagnation.
The more affirmations she tells herself, the lighter the tension becomes. It feels silly. She didn't believe this would work, but she is putting conviction into her words now. Remembering Asami's patience and understanding, she is trying to be patient and understanding for herself.
"I can't dictate my heart," she whispers to herself. "I love, and I am loved. I have done my best. There are things I cannot change. There are things I will change." The wind musses her hair and she ignores it. "I can't dictate my heart. I must understand it and accept it."
"You have done your best," the cat spirit says. It has been helping to punctuate her words with its own.
"I have done my best."
"There are things you cannot change," it repeats solemnly. "There are things you will change."
"I'm not alone," she declares, letting her hand scratch at its head. When she opens her eyes to look down at the spirit, it gives her slow, sleepy blinks. "I won't let guilt hold me back."
"You can't dictate your heart," it says.
"The past is in the past," Korra tells it, and it rumbles an agreement. "I will not let guilt burden me any longer. I'm in control."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"There's no shame in love," the spirit says wisely.
That makes her crack a smile. It's trying to help her, even if it doesn't understand the purpose of this meditation session. "Shame's the next one. We're focusing on guilt right now."
"There's no guilt in love," the spirit says instead. Those words don't work as well together, but she understands what it's trying to say. She isn't quite sure what the difference is between the two, regardless.
Korra says, "I make my own path."
"Maybe so, maybe not." The cat stands up in her lap and stretches.
"Guilt doesn't burden me," she says, and maybe believes it.
"There is no place for guilt for what was," the cat says. "Look forward, for what will be. A new day."
Korra embraces the feel of the sun's first rays as it peeks just over the horizon.
The spirit trots away, disappearing beyond the edge of the roof.
When she feels for her water chakra, it feels like the one below it. Open, at last, and flowing freely.