Back to Shermer High...

Saturday July 22nd, 1994

Madison fiddled with one of the earrings her mom had unexpectedly thrust into her hand mere moments before leaving the house.

'I was going to wait until tomorrow, but I don't see why you shouldn't have them tonight.' Laura beamed at her. 'I hope you like them.'

Of course she liked them: tiny slivers of gold that seemed barely there at all until they caught the light and glimmered like secrets. And they were, of course, exactly what her outfit needed to look absolutely right (or at least not deathly boring: there were only so many ways a little black dress could be dressed up). It was the smile Laura gave her alongside them which made her anxiously twist one of them now, as Zach slowed down to join the minor traffic line forming as they approached the school. These were supposed to be for the wedding day, a special day. She wondered if her mom thought this was an equally special night.

It seemed incongruous. There it was, Shermer High, the bane of her life for four years, its shadow stretching across the country to tinge the rest of her life with its secrets and shames. Not for the first time this week, she found that the thing she'd been running from for so long was - nothing. Just a building.

'It looks the same,' she said now.

'That's public education for you,' Zach quipped, as he darted ahead of another car and received a honk for his troubles. He gave a cheery wave at the irritated driver. 'I'll drop you off outside the front door.'

'You don't need to. I'll get out here and you can turn around and-'

'Go back home to drop a couple of bombshells on Mom the night before her wedding? Forgive me if I'm not exactly racing off to do that.'

Madison tore her gaze away from the school outside. 'You're doing it tonight?'

He shrugged. 'Looks like it.'

'Do you want me to… look, I don't have to be here, I can-'

'You do have to be here!' Zach gave her a furious look that she wasn't sure wasn't genuine. 'One of us has to go to our class reunion!'

'You said that about prom, and look how that ended up.' It had been such a refrain throughout their lives that she said it without thinking. Since last night, though, prom night had been thrown into a completely different light: one where John had been the perfect prom date, just in a way nobody would ever have designed one. A knight in shining armour, after all, surely wasn't supposed to just rescue the one damsel?

They crept forward a few more spaces, the main entrance to the school looming ahead. The scattering of people outside reminded her of Monday mornings; it was only when you looked properly that you realised these people were too old and too smartly dressed to be high schoolers anymore.

'I feel like I should do it on my own, anyway.' Zach spoke to the windscreen. 'Thanks, though.'

'You know Mom will be fine?'

'I know. It's just… you know when you've kept something secret for so long and it builds and builds up in your mind?'

'Ho yeah!'

He flashed her a smile as they came to a final halt outside the front door. 'Then you - Holy. Shit.'

'What?' In the middle of undoing her seatbelt, Madison jumped. 'What's wrong?'

'Nothing, just… you know I said John wears plaid well?' Zach's gaze never moved away from the view out the window. 'He wears a jacket even better.'

Madison followed his gaze, and found that, for once, her brother wasn't being overdramatic. It wasn't as if she hadn't seen John dressed up before (that ever-present prom night) but she hadn't seen this John wearing anything but his trusted plaid-denim combination; even last night's dinner had seen him only make a concession to the occasion by rolling the sleeves down on his jacket. And now it wasn't as if he was wearing a tuxedo; he wasn't going to win Best Dressed in any award giving that there might be (and oh dear God, why had she suddenly thought that there might be awards?). He was still wearing jeans, albeit darker and less tattered than his usual fare. His shirt was present, although white and pressed and tucked in. And the jacket was a blazer, black, nothing outstanding, but the overall look was…

A loud honk from the car behind made them both jump and drew the attention of those outside. Including John who, once he'd realised quite who was causing the chaos, let that slow easy smile creep across his face.

'God, can't they appreciate art when they see it?' Zach yelped. 'Always somebody spoiling the moment.' It was only then he looked at Madison. 'Uh, I think now is about the time you're supposed to get out?'

'Right. Yeah. Sorry.' Madison jerked herself back into reality. 'I should… I mean, if you're sure?'

'Mads, let's not even pretend you're going to pick me over that.' Zach rolled his eyes. 'I'll be here at midnight to take you home unless you call earlier. Now get!' He all but pushed her out the door, just as their friendly follower gave another loud toot on their horn, and Madison landed on the sidewalk much less elegantly than she'd hoped to do so. Her heels landed with a clatter, she almost dropped her bag, and by the time she'd regained any sense of dignity, she found herself alongside Andy, Allison and John, whose smile had become an all-out grin at what he'd just witnessed.

'Madison!' Andy greeted her with the sort of enthusiasm he'd always saved for her, as if he hadn't as if he hadn't used it all up on the sportsfield. He must have made an excellent coach, Madison thought, he must have made every kid feel like they were the most important person in the room.

'We're just waiting for Brian and Carolyn to park the car,' Allison explained. 'I love the earrings.'

'Thanks.' She dropped her hand, having found herself fiddling with them again. 'My mom bought them for me. Wedding gift. Her wedding, I mean, not mine.' She felt a wave of heat sweep over her as she realised how little sense she was making.

Thankfully, Brian and Carolyn arrived at that exact moment, and in the flurry of greetings, her embarrassment was forgotten. As they made their way towards the front door of the school, invitations gripped in hands, she unexpectedly found herself next to John at the back of the group.

'I've been meaning to ask.' He spoke quietly into her ear. 'Did you find out what's up with Zach?'

Even wearing heels, she still had to look up in order to catch his eye. 'Yeah, it's… complicated.'

He nodded. 'Want to tell me later?'

She nodded, and found she suddenly wanted 'later' to come a lot sooner.

'Madison? John? We need your invitations!'

'Brian's got mine.' John pushed past Allison and Andy. 'So looks like he's my beautiful date for this evening.'

The next thing Madison knew, Carolyn's arm had slipped through hers as if they'd been sorority sisters their whole lives.

'This is so weird,' she began almost immediately. 'Brian has talked about this place like… forever. And you guys, it's just so… it's nice you can all do this.'

Madison wished she could feel quite so positive about it all. As they stepped inside the main doors, joining a short queue for the ticket inspection and coat check, she waited for the familiar feelings of dread to pass over her. Then, when they didn't come, she wondered why she'd allowed this place to have such a hold over her for all these years.

And the same went for Brian. She felt the need to put in now, 'It wasn't like any of us were exactly popular. Well, maybe Andy but…' She frowned. 'Brian talks about us?'

'All the time!' Carolyn nodded excitedly, as if this were the first time she'd ever set foot in an actual real-life high school, as if this were a theme park version or something. 'And of course I've met Andy and Ally lots of times - and John of course - but… it's so nice you're here too. I've always been jealous, you know? Brian and his school-friends. I didn't have anything like that.'

Which struck Madison as particularly odd as out of all them - well, maybe excluding Andy - Carolyn came across as the most likely to have been an actual functioning member of high school society. Curious, she asked, 'Where did you go to school?'

Carolyn flushed pink and glanced ahead, as if she was checking there was nobody listening. Then, in quite a hushed tone, she said, 'St Mary's.'

A lot of things slotted into place for Madison suddenly at the name of the private Catholic girls' school. Brian had said his in-laws were church people, Carolyn seemed altogether too buzzed about stepping foot into a public school building. Even the way she'd linked arms with Madison now screamed of a girl who'd grown up around other girls and knew how to ingratiate herself. Or had tried to, anyway, if the shadow which passed over Carolyn's face momentarily at mentioning her school was anything to go by. Maybe she was just as much an outsider as all of them had been. That was enough for Madison to at least tolerate the invasion of her personal space from somebody she'd known less than a week.

Invitations exchanged for drinks' tokens, they formed a ragged group circle near the coat and bag check. Given the sweltering summer outside, Madison was surprised anybody had a coat to check in at all, and she was even more surprised to find herself suddenly faced with John slipping out of his jacket. Her immediate thought was to wish she had a camera; Zach would probably quite enjoy John Bender in shirt sleeves.

She jumped as there was a cough alongside her, and suddenly became aware that she'd been staring, even as the three men had all headed to divest themselves of their outwear. She turned her head to find Allison, eyebrows raised.

'So are you going to fill us in or am I going to have to use my imagination?' When Madison merely stood there, mouth slightly open, she said, 'Cause like, there was last night and now there's tonight. And neither of you can stop smiling.'

Even as she felt her mouth stretching out yet again, Madison shook her head, her earrings shaking. 'Is smiling illegal?'

'No. It's just not something John does very much.' Carolyn stepped between the two of them and took both arms very determinedly. 'Like I said. It's nice to have you here. Shall we?'

They didn't have much choice as she all but strongarmed them down the corridor, passing the cafeteria and heading immediately for the gym, where there was an uncanny sense of deja vu.

'This literally looks like prom,' Allison said, coming to an abrupt halt and gazing around the room. 'Did they… keep the decorations in storage? For a decade?'

It certainly looked like it. Shermer High colours abounded in every direction, in streamers and napkins and balloons. It seemed impossible that the decorations that had looked cheap back in 1984 could have survived this long, and yet the alternative, that these had been purchased again deliberately, seemed just as incredible.

'It looks…' Carolyn began, and it was clear she was searching for something positive to say, and drawing some pretty major blanks.

So Madison filled in. 'It looks ridiculous.' And then the giggle began. She didn't know if it was nervous relief or something else which made her suddenly dissolve, but seconds later, both Carolyn and Allison joined her, and Madison didn't know why, but it made her feel like everything was going to be okay.

Then she felt him step alongside her. There was a long pause as he took in the gymnasium, the whole scene. 'Shit. I am going to need a drink for this, and don't even think about trying to stop me.' Then his hand was on the small of her back, obnoxiously lightly. 'You coming, Twinks?'

She couldn't help it; she drifted away with him without even thinking, even as Allison gave her a triumphantly pointed look. It was only when they arrived at the bar (thank god, something not lifted from a decade ago, when they'd had tables of suspicious punch instead) that she said, 'That was kind of rude.'

'What, ditching our dates? This might come as a crushing blow, so please, don't hold it against me when I say,' he slipped into a gossipy whisper, 'I think our dates might fancy each other.'

'We're supposed to be hanging out with them all. Our friends.'

'I have spent a lot of time hanging out with Brian and Carolyn over the past many years. I'm sure they can cope for a few minutes.' Now, elbows resting on the bar, which was busy enough to suggest everybody needed some Dutch courage for the evening ahead, he gave her that smile again. 'By the way. You look… nice.'

She'd have taken offence if she didn't hear the exact way he said it. In John's mouth, nice became something altogether more wonderful. She flushed underneath his attention. 'So do you.'

'I look like a waiter.'

She giggled, because he actually did. 'But a really nice waiter.'

'Well, that's something.' He studied his thumbs. 'Thanks for coming.'

'To the bar? I thought you didn't want anybody trying to stop you drinking?'

'I don't, and you're not going to. I meant, coming here.'

She frowned. 'You didn't need me to come, you had your own invite.'

'Yeah, I did.' He looked around now. 'Is this it?'

She followed suit. 'How do you mean?'

'Like. Is this it? This is what we're all supposed to look back on so fondly? Fuck, you'd think they'd have at least tried to make it look better.'

'Or smell it.' Madison wrinkled her nose now, decades worth of sports socks and classes proudly refusing to succumb to whatever chemicals had been launched their way. 'But yeah. This is it.' She looked around again. 'Does it make you feel dumb?'

'Twinkie, as we have discussed, a lot of things make me feel dumb, so you're going to have to narrow that down for me.'

'I mean, does it make you feel stupid? I've spent ten years running away from this place and… look at it.' She dropped her gaze to her nails, suddenly embarrassed. 'Sorry, I know. I'm the only one of us who ran.'

'There's different types of running.' The understanding in his voice made her drag her eyes up to meet his again. 'So yeah. It makes me feel dumb. And lucky.' In answer to her quizzical frown, he said, 'Cause you ran back again.' Then, 'Hey, can I get a beer? And whatever you're having, Twinks?'

'I feel like prom was better than this,' Andy said, an hour later, surveying the room from the table they'd secured. It was a pretty good vantage point, with a clear sightline to the door and the room at large.

'And that is saying something,' Allison put in. 'Am I going mad or… do you even know who half these people are?'

'Ten years is a long time.' Andy shrugged. 'Maybe they don't know who we are.'

'They didn't know who most of us were ten years ago.'

'Sure they did, Basketcase.' Andy shot his fiance the sort of wicked smile that Madison hadn't known he was capable of. Her memories of their relationship had been shot through with anxieties about her own with John. Being left alone with Andy in any social situation had always felt excruciating; he seemed so far removed from her world. But Allison she'd liked from that first day, so she'd always given him a free pass. And something must have worked for them to still be here, all these years later, exchanging jokes at each other's expense.

'They didn't know us individually,' Brian said now. 'But together? They knew us then.'

'Exactly!' Andy's enthusiasm rose again. 'Don't you remember the stories after our first detention?'

'I think you mean your only detention.' John gestured towards him with the neck of his beer bottle, which was definitely not his first. 'Cause I don't remember seeing you in there all that often.'

'Well, we can't all be criminals.'

'I remember one story,' Allison said, 'all about John biting the head off a duck?'

Carolyn's jaw dropped. 'What? And people believed that?'

'What can I say, I'm a convincing avinicidal lunatic. And, if we're going to start trading tales, we might want to take a look at what was said about old Brian here.'

'What?' Carolyn turned to face her husband, eyes wide. 'What did they say about you?'

'Oh, nothing much.'

'Oh come on, Bri, it's not that hard to remember!' Andy joined in.

It wasn't. Madison remembered completely, and hadn't liked it at the time. Now, thinking of what Zach might be telling their mom this very moment, she hated it even more, and found herself frowning, kicking John's ankle, shaking her head. It took several seconds for him to catch on, his grin fading, eyebrows furrowed, but not even waiting for an explanation before saying:

'Of course, the orgy rumour was my personal favourite.'

'Oh god!' Allison exclaimed. 'Of course it was!'

Under the hubbub of Carolyn learning exactly how ridiculous the foundations of their friendships were, Madison mouthed thank you at John, whose frown only increased in depth. She added later, and suddenly the eyebrows shot up. It was like she could actually see him thinking, making connections with what she'd said earlier about telling him later, before he gave a small nod, and then she felt his foot move infinitesimally closer to hers, until their little toes were pressed against each other. It was quite possibly the most intimate moment Madison had had in, oh, only about a decade or so.

'Oh shit.' Andy's voice cut through the general hilarity at the table.

'What?'

'Don't all look at once but… Claire just walked in.' Seconds later, he was forced to say, 'I said don't all look!' As one they all swung back away from staring at the doorway, looking anywhere but over there. 'Oh, yeah, real subtle, guys. You make tenth graders look discreet.'

'Which one even is she?' Carolyn said now, giving up on all pretence of being cool, and actually peering around some of the people who'd drifted across her line of vision. Madison figured she couldn't look more ridiculous and risked her own glance at where Andy was still looking.

'She's the red-head,' Andy said. 'The red-head with the money.'

It was the perfect description. Madison couldn't say quite how she knew that Claire indeed did have money, but it shone from every pore of her skin. Her hair fell just right, her black dress was somehow more of a black dress than any Madison had seen before. She walked like someone for whom money was absolutely no object.

And the rings on her finger, visible even at this distance, didn't contradict things.

'Oh shit!'

'Carolyn!' Brian exclaimed, and Madison wondered if he'd ever heard his wife swear before. He looked both appalled and astounded, and it was only compounded by everybody else's glee, including Carolyn's herself.

'I'm sorry!' she said, despite looking pretty damn pleased with herself. 'It's just, that guy she's with… he's a surgeon at my hospital.'

'Claire's married to a surgeon?' Allison blinked several times. 'Huh.'

'Figures.' Andy shrugged. 'She was always going to marry for money. Why are we surprised?'

'I didn't know she still lived round here,' Brian said.

'Well, there's round here and there's round here,' Andy pointed out. 'Some kind of gated community would be more her style.'

'You know you don't have to pretend to keep hating her?' Allison nudged him. 'She was a bitch, but it was a long time ago. And you were kind of friends at one point.'

That had always sat badly with Andy, Madison had noticed that even all that time ago. Their ragtag friendship group had all been rocked sideways by Claire's actions in the weeks after that fateful Saturday detention, and when the reckoning came, Andy had landed firmly on their side. She didn't know how that had all gone down back then, whether the jock's decision to ally himself with his new oddball girlfriend had caused any issues. What she had always known was that he was always one of the first to find fault in Claire from that point onwards.

Just as Andy was about to protest against it for what seemed like the hundredth time in his life, Carolyn spoke again.

'No, but the guy - he's called David Landers - he's a heart surgeon, he's one of the best in the country.'

'Like I said, marrying for money,' Andy repeated.

'He's also a complete asshole.' Carolyn directed her words specifically at Andy. 'Nothing is ever his fault, he'll blame anybody to get himself off the hook. And he isn't a guy a woman wants to be in a room on her own with, if you know what I mean.' She looked between both Madison and Allison for confirmation that they did. They nodded. They both absolutely did. 'Everybody's always saying they feel sorry for his poor wife.'

Their eyes all drifted back towards his poor wife. It was hard to reconcile what Carolyn had said with the shiny couple making their way around the room, dressed in exquisite clothes, smiling upon the populace at large. But if Madison had learned anything in her life it was that appearances could be deceptive: the beautiful princess was in a tower of her own making; the evil temptress was looking for her own escape; the boy who broke your heart had only ever been protecting someone else's.

She pressed her foot against John's now, suddenly aware how quiet he'd been. He'd been looking in the Landers' direction this whole time, uncharacteristically silent when it came to dragging a mutual nemesis.

'What you thinking?' she asked now, quietly.

John left a long pause. Then, leaning back, stretching, he said, 'I'm thinking, do we want to go have a real party?' He looked around the table, that trouble-making glint in his eye. Without waiting for an actual response, he stood up. 'Come on.'

And, like they always had done, they followed him.

'I hate to say it, John.' Andy looked around the library. 'But I think your age is showing if this is your choice of party venue.'

'Does champagne change your mind?' From nowhere, John produced two full bottles, and handed one off to Andy.

'Where have you been hiding them?' Allison pounced on the other one.

'Believe me, Ally, you really really don't want to know.' John winked and then, in a few careless bounds, disappeared into the bookstacks. 'I'll be right back!'

'And then there were five. Again.' Andy held up the champagne bottle. 'Who wants a drink?'

'He didn't think to pick up glasses while he was about it.' Allison sat down on the nearest table and, in a surprisingly efficient manner, popped the cork off the bottle with minimal fuss. She took a long swig and then held it out to Madison.

Taking the bottle, Madison slipped up alongside her, feet dangling so that her sensible heels slipped off the backs of her heels. 'It looks… exactly the same,' she said before taking a gulp of champagne. The bubbles fizzed up her nose and made her cough.

'I seem to remember Brian coughing much like that,' Andy quipped.

'Because you were so much cooler.' Brian wrenched the second bottle from the jock's grip. 'Are we supposed to be in here?'

'Almost certainly not.' Allison gave him a gleeful look. 'Doesn't it make you feel bad?'

Madison didn't know that it did. As acts of rebellion went, this was incredibly minor and ironically would likely have barely scored them a Saturday detention all those years ago. She wondered if even John had noticed the ludicrous reversal in his behaviour: skipping a party to go to the library. This was more her territory than his.

And now she was looking around, she realised it didn't look exactly the same after all. It looked smaller, shabbier, even more tragic. She didn't know if it was that time outside of Shermer High had moved along; public libraries had a computer or two these days, and yet Shermer had defiantly stuck to the books and paper variety of knowledge. Or maybe it was just that every memory of this place had become so tinged with everything that had happened. But here it was again: this was it.

She knew she'd ducked out of the conversation again, so was surprised when Allison spoke, quietly but clearly directly towards her. The other three continued an increasingly screeched discussion on the other side of the aisle.

'I'm sorry, by the way. About what I said the other day when I came over.'

Madison shook her head. 'It's fine.'

'It's not. Andy told me not to come over, he said I was too angry.'

Surprised, Madison said, 'That was you angry?'

'I've toned down a lot.' Allison flashed her a grin. 'I'm maturing like a fine wine. Which this very much is not,' she declared, taking another mouthful anyway and handing it off to Madison. 'You know, Brian left it right up until you rang the doorbell to even tell us he'd invited you.'

Madison grimaced. 'Ouch. Sorry.'

'It's not your fault.'

'Am I such a bad dinner guest?'

Allison dropped her gaze and studied the copious rings covering her fingers. In amongst all of them, her engagement ring didn't even show up that much, but Madison noticed it was the one she kept returning to, twisting it round her finger as if it was still the one which she least expected to find there.

'I think he knew I wouldn't take it very well. I've spent a lot of time angry with you, Madison.'

'I think you're part of quite a large club.'

'No, I'm not. The others… they've never been angry.' Allison shrugged. 'Brian, he's been more sad. And Andy, he's always wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.' Her eyes flickered across to her fiance, and she was unable to stop a small smile appearing momentarily. 'As for John…' She left it unsaid. Madison knew it was all too obvious how John had been in the time since she'd been gone. 'But I've just been so angry that I think Brian knew I'd have walked if he'd given me any forewarning.'

Madison knew she was wearing out the meaning of it, but all she could think of saying was, 'I'm sorry.'

'You were one of my closest friends, you know?' Allison gave a small bark of laughter. 'And I know, we barely ever hung out on our own and we had absolutely nothing in common except,' she gestured around at their current surroundings, 'but I liked it when we hung out. I didn't have many friends. I still don't.'

'Me either.'

'So when you left like that it… fucking hurt.' To Madison's alarm, she realised there were tears in Allison's eyes. All this time later, and the hurt had cut so deep it still had the power to do that. She was stunned. 'That's why I've been so angry all these years. You were one of the few people I actually liked, actually trusted. And you bailed.'

Even now, all the old arguments rushed into Madison's head. She'd been using them for so long, to justify everything to herself as much as everybody else: Nancy. John. The baby. I couldn't. It would take more than a few days for these not to be her default response to any criticism of her hightailing it from Chicago in the summer of '84. Another tiny shift in the foundations of her life. Moving forward, she'd have to own those choices.

And yet all she could still say was, 'I'm sorry.'

'It's okay.' Allison shook her head back, putting those traitorous tears back where they belonged. 'Just… don't do it again, yeah?' She threaded her fingers through Madison's. 'Don't disappear again.'

Madison returned her small smile.

'I've got it!' With a trademark clatter and crash, John returned from his odyssey amongst the bookstacks. Now he held aloft the prize he'd been seeking, hunting around in the dimmed lights.

'Seriously, John?'

'Is that what I think it is?'

'How long has that been there?'

'You hid pot in the library?'

'Well, clearly nobody found it, so it's obviously not a completely ridiculous thing to do.'

'We're not going to smoke it, are we? I have random drug tests at work, and I'm on shift on Monday.'

'Same. Sorry, John, I think maybe we should…'

The library doors closed with a polite click; there was something that was actually new.

Madison turned from where their friends had left the room to look back to John. 'And then there were two. That went well.'

'You're acting like this wasn't my plan the whole time.' With surprising athleticism, he hopped onto the end of her table, and slid his way to stop within inches of her, marijuana bag still in his hand. He shook it at her. 'Can't interest you in a vintage year for blunts?'

'I didn't even like it back then.' Madison shook her head. 'How did you know it was still there?'

'I didn't. I wanted to know how seriously Shermer High took its 'anti-drugs' stance, and let me tell you, the board will be receiving a very strongly worded letter on Monday morning.' He grinned and then dropped his focus back to the bag, turning it over in his hands. It looked more like dust than anything else, there wouldn't be much smoking going on with that. She didn't know if he still lit up occasionally. She didn't, she realised, know very much about him at all.

'So Zach's gay, then?'

One thing she did know: he'd always surprise her.

'Something like that. He doesn't seem keen in putting a label on it. But yeah, he's into guys.' She gave John a sidelong glance. 'He's been very complimentary about you in the past couple of days.'

'Naturally.' John preened for a few seconds. 'So is that it? That's why he's been acting so…? Seems an overreaction. Well, come on, Twinks, are you even that surprised?'

She was about to protest, and then realised she wasn't, she hadn't been. Zach was someone who had infinite love and joy to share, so why would he limit himself? 'It's not just that. He's… lost a lot of - well, he called them friends, but I think they were a bit more. They died.' Then, steeling herself, she added, 'They had AIDS.'

John went to open his mouth, and then stopped himself; Madison suspected most people didn't know he could do that. She watched as he processed what she said, before he finally said, 'But he's okay, yeah?'

There was something else she knew about him: he knew what mattered to her. 'Yeah, he's good.' Then, in a rush, she added, 'He also wrote a letter to our dad. He didn't reply.'

'Well. No surprise there either.' He ventured a small smile in her direction, which she returned, albeit a little weakly. 'You know, when I brought you back to relive our first date, I didn't know we'd end up talking about your dad again. Time to get some new material.' He leaned against her, she presumed to let her know he was joking.

'Our first date?' She raised her eyebrows and looked around the room. 'You consider this to have been our first date?'

'What would you call our first date? And don't mention that lame-ass hook-up spot we went to cause you didn't want me to go home and face my dad.' Their eyes met, and Madison had to look away. Because she had always considered that their first date, if there had ever been such a thing. It was the day she'd decided she couldn't be responsible for John Bender ever getting hurt again, and that her happiness was entirely tied up with his. Whenever she came across a scene where the protagonists fell in love, it was that moment she played back in her head and tried to capture in words and descriptions and directions to lighting and sound technicians.

Clutching at anything to make her chest rise and fall naturally again, she looked down at where Andy had abandoned his empty bottle of champagne. 'How is your dad?'

'Pretty bad, thanks for asking. Twinks, will you look at me?' When she did, she realised he'd somehow moved even closer in the last few seconds, his face, his eyes, his lips just inches from hers. Nowhere to hide. Nowhere to look away. 'I didn't get you alone in the school library to talk about our dads.'

'What do you want to talk about?'

'I wasn't planning on doing much talking.' His words came out like a whisper, and she wondered if she was hearing them or just feeling them land on her own mouth. She could almost taste them, and they tasted like cheap beers and packet-mix mac and cheese, and the sort of summer which you only got given once. It tasted of him.

A loud bang made them both jump, almost crashing heads in the process.

'Um, folks, this place is out of bounds?' A security guard who looked younger than them put his head round the door.

Madison looked at John, who was fighting against a burst of laughter. 'We're so sorry, officer.' He stood up. 'We were just passing by and saw someone had been littering this hallowed place of study.' Gesturing towards the discarded champagne bottles, he rolled his eyes. 'Worse than the kids. Come on, honey, we should let this young man continue to ensure the security of the building.'

It was only when they got to the hallway and she dissolved into laughter that she realised she was holding John's hand. She didn't know if she tensed up or pulled back, but he seemed instantly aware of what he'd done, and she saw a look of uncertainty cross over his features.

She gave his hand a tight squeeze and brushed her shoulder against his, leading him back to where their friends were waiting for them.

It got late. The reunion ended with a whimper, a fizzle of school spirit that nobody in the gymnasium seemed to feel. The bubbles faded from the champagne faster than seemed natural. The streamers wilted. They walked out onto the sidewalk.

'When did it get cold?' Carolyn grumbled; Madison hadn't known she could be anything but perky and polite. 'This feels illegal.'

'So now you're all wishing you brought coats.' Andy grinned from where he was just slipping his sports jacket back on. 'This is why I drill the kids in the six Ps.' When they all threw him baffled glances, he said, as if it was something they should all know, 'Piss Poor Preparation Equals Piss Poor Performance.'

'Technically that's six Ps and an E,' John pointed out. 'You don't teach English, do you? Also, you could also do the gentlemanly thing and offer your jacket to the lady. It's a nice thing to do, isn't it Twinks?'

It took her a moment to realise exactly why he was asking for her take on things. She'd been on the verge of insisting it wasn't even that cold, and had assumed she'd had slightly more of the disappointing champagne than Carolyn had. Only now, everyone's attention drawn to her, did she realise that the warmth was borrowed from John's own jacket, draped around her shoulders without her even noticing. She was grateful that Brian and Andy hastily scrambled to match their friend's chivalry and covered up her flushed cheeks.

'So that's done. That's weird.' Allison glanced back at the school behind them, as the lights closed off in each room one-by-one. 'I feel a bit like I do the day after Christmas.'

'We should do something before you guys go home!' Carolyn regained her enthusiasm from somewhere, maybe deep inside Brian's jacket. 'You've got a couple more days, right?'

'We've got lunch with Andy's parents tomorrow.' Ally sounded less than thrilled about it.

'But we're free in the evening,' Andy added. 'Our flight isn't until Monday.'

'Then we should definitely get together!' Carolyn beamed around at all of them. 'Everyone else is free, right?'

'Actually.' Madison felt everybody's eyes lock onto hers, and wished she didn't have to be the one saying this. Ally's gaze in particular felt weighted with ten years of pain. She wished she could actually nod, laugh, give into the moment. But: 'My mom's getting married tomorrow.'

'Oh yeah. Right.' Carolyn nodded, and Ally looked somewhat shame-faced. 'That's okay, we'll just miss you.' The others mumbled something similar, and the moment went as flat as the champagne had done.

Underneath the jacket, John's thumb pressed into the fleshy part at the base of her palm. It didn't hurt, but it felt like something would do if they were trying to deflect their own pain.

'I mean, if you wanted to… it's just a backyard wedding, nothing fancy, don't turn up expecting Charles and Diana or anything-'

'Surely that's a good thing?' Andy said with a laugh.

'-just, if you wanted to, I reckon you could all… come along.' She shrugged.

'Who could resist an invitation like that?' John breathed into her ear, but his hand relaxed slightly in hers, and it felt worth it, as the others excitedly accepted the invite, ill-worded and rambling as it was. Her mom had always complained she'd never brought friends home. Time to give her what she'd always wanted.

'Tomorrow then?' Carolyn checked, as they headed towards the parking lot.

'Yeah. Ceremony starts at three.'

'We'll come as soon as lunch is over,' Ally promised, and surprised Madison with an abrupt and not especially comfortable hug. 'Should we bring anything?'

'No, I think we've got everything.' She had no idea. They definitely had enough damn logs for the damn firepit, so at the very least they could toast marshmallows until the early hours.

'Tomorrow then!' Brian gave them a cheery wave, hand in hand with his wife, and then they were all gone, and it was just Madison and John, their own hands still firmly entwined, and she didn't know quite where to look. When she did venture a glance in his direction, she found him looking at her with the kind of intense gaze which demanded a response.

'What?'

'Nothing. Just… you're lucky your mom is cool. Five complete strangers at her wedding.'

'You're not a stranger.' She knew that was missing the point entirely. She knew that Laura would be more than welcoming to her friends, and she knew that that was pretty unique. But she also knew that John's experience of parents was so far removed from the baseline that her invite would blow his mind. Looking at him now, she was reminded of the split lip and the black eye and the myriad other injuries which had made their mark on his body. She wondered if they had scarred, if his past was written on him like a tattoo. So it just fell out. 'About your dad-'

'Please don't.'

She ignored him. 'You said he was pretty bad.'

John's jawline tightened; she recognised him putting up his walls, covering up his weaknesses with flippant comments. 'He's dying of cancer, that's always pretty bad.' He sighed heavily, before saying, eyes closed, 'I don't think he's going to be around much longer. So, you know. Just… give me a break, Twinks. Give me twenty-four more hours where my life isn't a fucking trainwreck.'

There was so much she wanted to say. She couldn't deny that his life was in freefall, that the carnage around him didn't exist. It was written all over him, and she hated it. But what she hated more was knowing she'd derailed it, at least partially. She couldn't bear to think of the scars she'd left on him.

She opened her mouth.

'Your mom's waiting.'

Madison turned away from him, her eyes dazzled by the headlights on her mom's truck. Her first thought was instinctual: is Zach okay? Her second was far less charitable, as she swung her attention back to John.

'You should go.' The words came out more harshly than he clearly intended, as he followed up with a smile. 'I'll see you tomorrow.'

She nodded.

The smile broadened slightly, as he spoke more gently. 'I might need my jacket back if I'm coming to the next big thing since the royal wedding.'

'Oh!' She hastily gave it back to him. 'So… tomorrow, yeah?'

'Yeah.'

She managed two steps away from him before swinging back round. 'We can give you a ride, if you like, if you need-'

'Twinks. Seriously. Just… go.'

Somehow she was able to stumble her way to her mom's truck without ever taking her eyes off of him. She slipped in the door, closed it behind her, reached for the seatbelt.

'Does John need a ride?'

She didn't know why she jumped at her mom's words. It was a perfectly reasonable thing to ask, echoing her own query moments earlier. 'Um, no, he's good, he's…' They pulled past him, he raised his hand in an awkward wave, which Madison returned far too late. Only once he was behind them did she remember her earlier thought. 'Is Zach okay?'

'He's tired. It's been a long evening.' Laura sounded tired too, as they pulled up at a stoplight. 'How was your night?'

'Yeah, good. I mean… you know…' Madison looked up from where she was studying the hand that had been in John's until so recently to find her mom looking at her. 'What?'

'Nothing.' Laura looked as if she was about to say more, then the lights changed and she took the parking brake off. 'Nothing.'