MEMORY VIAL 20: WOLVES OF A KIND (YEAR 5)
Harry couldn't stop thinking about Draco ever since he saw his name woven into the Black Family Tapestry. His godfather was so bitter about the pure-blood families that Harry had shied away from asking the question that was still burning inside him even a few days later, but eventually he worked up the gumption to ask what was on his mind.
"What's your opinion of the Malfoys?" Harry asked Sirius, when he could no longer contain his curiosity.
Sirius was pacing restlessly like a caged animal in the drawing room. He stopped for a moment to regard the boy he had just been imagining keeping there as a son, but when the question finally registered, his eyes slipped toward the battered tapestry that hung on the opposite wall from where they were standing. The double helix of gold embroidery linking Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black gleamed in the candlelight, and the vertical line forming the connection to their son caught Harry's gaze like a bright thread of flickering fire.
"I figured you'd know plenty about them by now."
"I do," Harry said, shifting his feet. "But I guess I'm more interested in what you think about… well, about Draco Malfoy. Their son. I go to school with him, and we haven't talked much, but—"
Sirius furrowed his brow and fixed him with a piercing look.
Harry wondered if it was safe to tell his godfather that he had complicated feelings for the boy, or if Sirius would berate him for it. Sirius was so staunch on his position about most of the witches and wizards who were on the Black Family Tapestry that he did not quite think his godfather could look past it in this case.
In the end, Harry decided not to share anything about it, at least not yet. Not until he knew for certain that it was safe and that nothing bad could possibly come from being open about it.
"He says things sometimes," Harry went on vaguely, not realizing how suspicious he looked to Sirius with the way he was glancing around the room. "He calls Hermione a Mudblood, and says all my friends are worthless—that sort of thing."
"I'm not surprised," Sirius said gruffly. "He's being raised by those two," he pointed over the double helix of Lucius and Narcissa, "two of the most intolerant pure-bloods that I know of, and so he's bound to end up with the same pure-blood mania as them."
"Do you think it's inevitable? His mind can't be changed?"
"Well, I certainly clawed my way out of the brainwashing of my family, if that's the answer you're hoping to get. But you said yourself he's already acting intolerant like his parents. Why do you ask?" Sirius leered sideways at Harry, his eyes narrowed as if it would help him see through to Harry's motives for asking. "Why so interested in a blood-prodigy like him, when he's an enemy to you at best?"
"He once wanted to be my friend," Harry said honestly, figuring he could share at least half of the truth, which would give his godfather a bit more context to judge the situation with. "He got jealous when I picked someone over him. Ron, actually. When we were on the train for our first year."
Sirius snorted derisively and considered that. "Wanted to latch onto your fame, no doubt. Bleed you out for all you were worth. Make himself look ten times bigger with Harry Potter at his side."
Harry stared at the embroidery of Draco Malfoy's name and moved closer toward it. He examined the needlepoint flourishes of the lettering, and appreciated the general beauty of what Draco's full name looked like when it was written down. "He said he wanted to guide me. To give me everything."
Sirius raised his eyebrows, yet still was genuinely unimpressed. "The Malfoys have a tendency to buy their way into other people's favor, so their son would hardly be any different."
Harry's heart hurt when he heard that. He wanted to tell Sirius the truth—that their relationship had turned into something much more than a public bid for prestige. And what prestige, anyway? Half the time, the other students at Hogwarts hated Harry, since they were fickle in their allegiance—which was probably the only useful thing Gilderoy Lockhart had ever taught him. And the rest of the time, Harry could have done without all the fawning and attention.
"We've met privately," Harry said cautiously, and this time Sirius looked at him with keen interest. "He said… things… that make me believe he isn't really interested in all that."
"Did he, now? Well, I would be wary of him if I were you. I once knew a boy—one of my best friends, in fact—who snagged a chance at a secret friendship with a snake like the Malfoy boy, and it ended terribly for him. Knife in the back, and the worst kind of betrayal. You can't trust him, Harry," Sirius said resentfully. "He might tell you what you want to hear, to get close—but he's a Slytherin, and he's about as sly and slippery as they come. You and I know who his father is, don't we?"
Harry nodded slowly.
"You especially know his father and what he's capable of, so what makes you think he wouldn't use his own son against you the first chance he got? Draco would never say no to his father, I don't think. Lucius would never stand for it, or do you think Draco is worth trusting as things are?"
"I was only wondering what you thought," Harry said, meaning to placate his godfather. Sirius was obviously getting riled at the thought of Harry getting close to a Death Eater's son, and Harry did not want him to worry. "I agree with what you said. But we were sort of on okay terms at the end of last year, so I just…"
"You're explaining yourself too much. One might think you're up to no good."
Sirius fixed Harry with a kind and generous look that Harry almost interpreted as paternal. Harry felt warm and smiled up at him.
"Don't befriend Draco, if you want my advice. He's dangerous, if anything, do you hear? You'll be looking for trouble if you don't listen to me."
"I understand," Harry said quickly. Nervously, he rubbed at his sleeves when Ginny entered the room and announced to them both that lunch was ready. When she left, Harry frowned at Sirius and said, "Obviously I won't do anything stupid, Sirius, I just—"
"If you are anything like James—and I know you are—you're going to end up doing something stupid no matter what I say. So just, please, Harry… be careful. Everyone here cares about you, and you're important to all of us, more than you realize. But some things are beyond your control, so don't go putting your nose anywhere you shouldn't."
"I won't," Harry said, deciding right then that he could not promise to keep his word any more than he had done last year. And while he did not have the best track record for following orders, he wanted to do his best to obey his godfather—although Harry's best would take him only so far. Now that he had a chance to be cared for by a new father figure, he did not want to mess things up between himself and Sirius if he could help it—not before they had a chance to spend more time together, to really get to know each other properly, or become at least a fragment of the family he had always wanted.
Harry struggled to get to sleep that night, and after two hours of fruitlessly trying to grasp onto the frays of a dream, he decided to talk to Lupin to get his updated opinion of Draco as well. If anything had changed since the last time they had talked about Draco more than a year ago, he wanted to hear it, since Sirius's advice had left him feeling a bit hopeless.
Lupin had arrived for dinner earlier that evening, so Harry figured he was relaxing somewhere downstairs, although Mrs. Weasley was likely still prowling the rooms. All he needed to do if he ran into her, however, was mention that something personal was keeping him awake, and that he was not trying to pry into the Order's goings-on. Hopefully Lupin would stand up to her if she tried to shoo Harry off. But if he could not get the help from Lupin that he needed, he supposed he would just have to move forward with the advice that Sirius had given him.
Tossing his blankets aside, Harry got out of bed and picked his way across the bedroom, wincing whenever a floorboard creaked, but Ron merely shifted in his sleep and grumbled, "Nuh, Her-muh-nee… come baaack…"
Harry tiptoed quietly down the stairs from the second floor and did not run into anyone until he came to the top landing of the basement kitchen, where he picked up on a pair of whispers coming from its depths. Upon recognizing Lupin's hoarse voice, Harry crept down the narrow stone treads, then paused skittishly when he heard Sirius's voice as well.
Lupin let out a deep sigh before saying, "Darling… rub a little higher, would you? Ah, that's perfect."
Harry's heart drummed faster than it had done in days. Did he just hear what he thought he heard?
"Stiff as the dead," Sirius said gruffly, while Harry settled onto the bottom steps where he was concealed in shadow.
"But not dead yet."
Sirius snorted.
A small candle guttered on the long wooden table. Lupin was sitting at the far end of it with his head thrown slightly forward, while Harry's godfather stood behind Lupin's chair massaging briskly at his shoulders. Harry had a view of them in profile, and as long as someone did not come parading down the stairs over the next several minutes, they would never know that he was there, watching curiously, having never seen two men like this before.
"There now… Rough night for everyone, I suppose." There was a crackling under Sirius's thumbs, and it made the other man moan, half in pleasure, half in pain.
"You and Tonks are the only solace I have left in this world I think, Sirius."
"Remove the witch you hardly know from that statement, and you will have stolen my heart all over again."
Lupin chuckled wearily. He leaned back into the Animagus's strong hands and sighed deeply, as if there was no greater contentment than this. "She's a good friend, Sirius. Listens to me as much as you do."
"You're making me jealous."
"Well, don't be. I think of her as a friend and not much more than that. But even if I fell in love with her, she'd be an idiot to like me back. I couldn't chance passing my sickness onto a woman's child like that."
"You're already futurizing about the children you would have with her," Sirius said somewhat facetiously. "Now I really am jealous. It isn't fair."
"Would you rather I futurized about raising Harry with you instead?"
Sirius gave an appreciative grunt but did not offer a more definite response.
"I love you, Sirius. That's something you should never have to doubt. If I need to be quiet about her from now on, then it's a small price I'm willing to pay. Just know I'll always love you first, and I wish I could have you this close to me all the time."
"Hm, me too. Being stuck in this house is almost worse than Azkaban in some respects, and it doesn't help that I can't be around to push you two apart. But then when you show up, all my restlessness retreats into the background, and I get the urge to turn everyone out onto the street so that we can be ourselves for a little while…" Sirius lowered his voice while his hands kneaded the back of Lupin's neck more affectionately. "And then when he comes strutting into my house…"
"Sirius," Lupin said in an admonishing tone.
"I don't like him coming here," Sirius said unapologetically, "looking at you the way he does, wanting you, and belittling me for what's out of my control."
"He doesn't want me, dear, and he hasn't stayed for dinner even once. He has no interest in coming between us."
"But he still loves you, and you ask him to stay for dinner every chance you get."
"Only because it wouldn't hurt for you and him to develop some camaraderie, or at least learn to be civil with each other, like you and Molly. And you know that his heart belongs with someone else. He's never acted on his feelings ever since—"
"But will you?" Sirius pressed, pausing from the massage. "Act on your feelings?"
There was a tense moment of silence, followed by: "How can you ask me that?"
"I think you and I understand more than anyone how it's possible to love two people at the same time."
Lupin swallowed back a sigh of frustration.
"God, I—never mind. Sorry, Remus. I'm sorry. I'm taking my jealousy out on you."
"He's assured me more than once that his heart has always belonged to someone else. I was nothing but a trifle at the time, someone he used to gain access to the Restricted Section—as you well know, Sirius. He gave me that closure after exposing me to the Slytherins. If he still wanted me, he would not have done that. He couldn't stand that I was there."
"I know, I know. I don't know why I keep bringing it up. I just hate seeing him in my house, looking at you. It feels like he's gloating about having had you first. I can't help but feel like he must be lying when he says he doesn't love you."
"Then let me assure you that I no longer love him. Not the way I used to, anyways."
Harry's breath caught in his throat when Sirius leaned over Lupin's shoulder. The two men kissed as if to seal away the argument, and Harry couldn't believe what he was seeing and hearing. The two lovers Lupin had been referring to a couple of years ago had been Professor Snape and Sirius, and he wanted to rush over to where they were right now, to yell at them both for not having told him sooner. Harry would have loved to have known. Not to mention, he felt touched at the realization they both wanted to raise him like a son…
They would complete a family, just the three of them.
Sirius's mouth strayed slowly down the other man's jaw and neck, and Harry lowered his eyes automatically. Something told him this was supposed to be a private moment and he ought to go back to his room, but the shock of what he had just learned kept him rooted to the spot.
Sirius slid his hands down Lupin's shoulders and arms, rubbing the stretch of sore muscles while he necked the weary werewolf from behind.
"I suppose I can't be jealous of either of them," Sirius murmured, his voice calm. "Now that I have my godson, I feel similar to how you do about that witch, so I can't get upset if you have more people in your heart than just me. I'm a greedy bastard… forgive me. But you're afraid of her, aren't you? You're afraid of opening up to that witch, from what you've told me. You have no idea if she'd still be your friend if she knew everything about you—whereas I, Remus—" Harry leaned forward from the stairs in an effort to hear what he said next "—I love you… More than I love chasing squirrels through Muggle parks."
Lupin snorted heartily at the mentioning of squirrels. "I really hope you and Harry get on when all of this is over. If it ever ends."
"I hope all three of us get on," Sirius corrected, sneaking a kiss against Lupin's ear. "If he can accept you as my own, we'll be as good as two fathers for him, I think."
"I'm sure he won't have a problem with it."
"Are you?"
"At the risk of betraying his confidence," Lupin said, "I'm positive."
"Good. Because I'm not giving you up." His fingers wandered slowly over the other man's torso, and Harry raised his eyes curiously at the sound of their robes rustling, still unable to move.
Lupin's lips curved up while Sirius fondled him. He sank lower into the chair the more relaxed he got, and before long, Sirius opened the shabby robes covering Lupin's body and began unbuttoning the shirt underneath so that his chest was exposed, shining gilded in the candlelight.
"Remus… my soulmate. Don't fall asleep on me yet." Sirius caressed the hollow of Lupin's throat with his thumb while kissing around the open collar of his shirt.
Harry told himself to go back upstairs, but his legs refused to obey. He knew he would be in trouble if he got caught, and he did not think it was right to peep in on them like this, but he simply could not look away.
"What're you going to do to me?" Lupin asked drowsily.
Sirius pressed his mouth against Lupin's ear so that he could whisper his response, but it was too quiet for Harry to pick up.
Wish I had Extendable Ears, Harry thought avidly, while also reproaching himself for his own nosiness. Then Lupin moaned in a way that nearly made Harry jump and stumble up the stairs.
"I'd love that," Lupin said to whatever Sirius had just said, and Harry calmed down when he realized that the threat of having been seen was all imagined.
Without warning, Lupin stood up. He kicked his chair aside, turned around, and pulled Sirius towards him by the hair. Harry's eyes widened at the sight of them pressing into each other, their mouths locked in a heated kiss.
Leave them, Harry told himself. But he could barely manage his own breathing let alone lift himself up from the stairs. It felt as if someone had used the Full Body-Bind Curse on him, although there was a guilty part of him that wanted to see this all play out. While the two men kissed, their hands roaming in search of buttons and zippers, Harry swallowed at an itch that was spreading in his throat. All of a sudden, he was afraid that he might cough or choke or sneeze, and thereby give himself away.
At Sirius's command, Lupin turned around and leaned over the table on his elbows. Sirius pressed his whole body against Lupin's, his whiskered mouth nudging affectionately at Lupin's ear. He unfastened Lupin's trousers, shoved them down, then whipped Lupin's robes to one side of his body.
"I want that tail, Remus…"
Ears turning red, Harry looked away.
"I want to be inside you."
"Don't make me wait," Remus pleaded hoarsely. "Lick me first… then give me every inch, and don't hold back."
Harry's eyes widened when he heard the thump of his godfather dropping to his knees. Oh my god, he thought. Men seriously do that? It isn't just a crude joke?
Harry was tempted to look up, to see for himself if Sirius was really doing what he thought he was doing, but he squeezed his eyes shut, unable to stop himself from feeling excited at the sound of licking and their pleasurable soft moans…
There was a shifting of robes, followed by a frenzied scuffle. There was a low, howling moan on Lupin's part, matched by a hungry, wolfish panting from Sirius. Harry stole another glance, just to confirm what he suspected. They were connected at the hips, mating, bent over the table like animals.
"I love you," Sirius rasped. The lower half of his body thrust roughly against Remus, partially covered by his robes. "Now say you love me better than her—better than anyone. No one else can turn you on like I can, Remus—say it…"
Lupin's face was pressed flat against the table. He clawed at the wood's grain, and moaned helplessly as the other man entered him from behind. "I love you better. I love you first—I always will!"
"You're mine." Sirius held Lupin down by the back of his neck and took him more roughly. Lupin wailed under the assault, and Harry grabbed himself through his pajamas without thinking. "All mine."
Lupin whimpered. "Then do it harder. Leave your mark in me."
"God, you're perfect…" Sirius reached around the other man's waist and began to stroke his cock.
"Harder," Remus panted. "Please, Sirius—right there…"
"I've marked you enough times, haven't I?" Sirius grunted, then increased the pace of his thrusts. "But it's never going to be enough, is it? You'll always want—more…"
Harry rubbed at a sudden itch under his ear. His hands were sweating, shaking from nerves, and he couldn't take it anymore. He had to move now, whether he liked it or not. Thankfully, there was enough noise coming from the kitchen to cover his own. Harry rushed up the stairs on his bare feet, hurtled into the nearest toilet, locked the door, pulled his pajamas down, and took hold of himself. In a scared and guilty frenzy, Harry relived his favorite memory of Draco penetrating the tight grip of his hands, and couldn't help yanking on himself until he came…
A few seconds after Harry had finished, a thump against the door made him start. Someone was trying to get in, but he was still working out the last shivers of his orgasm, and he didn't want to face anyone after what he had just done.
Harry cleared his throat nervously and said, "I'll be out in a minute!"
He pretended to flush the toilet, pulled his pajamas back on, then washed his hands hurriedly before opening the door. Red hair and freckles swam through the dimness of the corridor, disorienting him, since he had expected to run into Sirius or Lupin.
"You all right, mate?" said Ron. "You look flushed. Is it your scar again?"
Harry stared blankly into the blue eyes of his best friend. "Yeah," he lied. "But it's all better now, so… nothing to worry about. Everything's fine."
"Good. Someone's got the toilet upstairs, and I've got to use the loo real bad. Think something Mum made didn't sit right."
"Yeah," said Harry, forcing himself to agree with him even though it seemed like a bad idea. "Something was off."
"You too, mate?"
"No," said Harry, backtracking over what he had just said. "No, I mean—" Harry stepped out of the bathroom and sidled awkwardly out of Ron's way. "Uh… Just—my scar's got me all confused. I'm… I'm going back to bed now, uh… goodnight."
Ron gave him an odd look, and Harry darted up the stairs, heart feeling like it was bulging out of his chest. He had just witnessed his godfather shagging his favorite teacher, and he had touched himself soon after while thinking about Draco…
Did that make him a pervert?
He felt like one, even though he never wanted to do it again, but for whatever reason at the time he had been unable to stop himself.
In the morning, it took Harry some time to muster the courage to pull Lupin aside before Lupin left on another mission for the Order. When they were alone in the drawing room—Harry had specifically requested that they did not discuss anything in the basement—Lupin stood beside the empty grate with his arms crossed, then said, "I remember the last private conversation you and I had inside my office, do you remember? You were smitten at the time, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious about how that ended up."
"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about," Harry said candidly, feeling emboldened by Lupin broaching the subject first. "You… you mentioned you were in love with a man back then, remember? Someone you couldn't live without. And I was wondering… it's Sirius, isn't it?"
Lupin frowned. "What gave it away?"
"It wasn't that hard to figure out, honestly," Harry said, relieved that Lupin was not upset. "You two are always so close, and… I've seen the way you look at each other." He was lying, although, in hindsight, he had to admit there was a lot of private meaning in the way the two men glanced at each other whenever they were in the same room. "I hope it's alright that I know. I mean, I don't want to embarrass you or anything, but Draco and I—"
"Something happened between you two, after all?" Lupin said, putting on a strained smile.
"I wanted to ask you, sir." Harry fiddled with the hem of his shirt. "I've never… and—well—I mean, Draco and I, see, we haven't… But what I mean to ask is…" He cleared his throat. "Well… sir, I mean…"
"Out with it, Harry."
Harry let out an angry breath. "Does it hurt?" I shouldn't have asked that, Harry scolded himself. I should not have asked that.
Lupin stared at Harry for a long while before wiping a hand over his mouth. He snorted mirthlessly. "The facts of life. That's what this is about? You're thinking of sleeping with your boyfriend, and you don't know where to start."
"He's not my boyfriend," Harry said self-consciously. "He never was. Things sort of fell through with him at the end of last year, so… there's nowhere for me to start."
"Is that right?" Lupin said, obviously more interested in that than the discussion about sex. "What happened?"
Harry told him. He even shared about how they had flown together on Draco's birthday and how Harry had exploded on him after the Triwizard Tournament.
"I think you took my initial warning about Draco a little too far," Lupin said with a smile that bordered on amusement.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that, yes, Draco is Lucius Malfoy's son. It's impossible to ignore that fact. But that doesn't make him a carbon copy of that man, do you understand? He can't be blamed for what his father does."
"But Mr. Malfoy'll teach him, right?" Harry argued, thinking back on Sirius's warning. "He already hates Muggle-borns and gets really excited when he sees anyone who's not like himself in pain."
"Draco Malfoy," Lupin explained in that teacher's voice Harry had missed so much, "will come to understand that he will have to make his own choices. He can't live in his father's shadow forever—which is true for you as well. He'll become his own man in due time, and if you're still in love with him right now, then I would bet it's because you see something in him that most others don't. One of those things, I would wager, has to do with the fact that Draco isn't his father, so don't go punishing him for being related to Lucius. Or could you accept it if he punished you for living with the Dursleys?"
"That's not the same thing," Harry said defensively. "The Dursleys hate me, whereas Draco takes after his dad. Draco's almost exactly like my cousin, if I'm honest."
"And yet he's different enough that you've grown to like him."
Mostly because he's cute, Harry almost said, but thought it sounded way too shallow. It wasn't only about looks, but Draco's appearance played an important enough role.
"Well, maybe my analogy wasn't perfect, but I think you got the point. Draco is his own person, and you're infatuated with that person, aren't you?" Harry opened his mouth to object, but Lupin held his hand up for Harry to wait his turn. "But when he spouts off about pure-blood ideology and tries to convince you to listen to him, I would seriously wonder if he's being himself or merely a trained parrot for his parents."
Harry's expression softened at that. "You're giving the opposite advice as Sirius, you know. But it doesn't matter anyways, because I already messed things up with Malfoy at the end of last year."
"It sounds to me like you only showed Draco that you were bleeding in a place he could not see. If he's worthy of you at all, he'll understand."
"But I hurt him."
"And he's hurt you plenty of times too, remember? Ever since the day you met him, he's bruised you with his words for no better reason than to get your attention. Lovers draw the most blood in a given fight, because they always attack the heart even if they don't intend to. If you want to get acquainted with the facts of life, that's the one I'd ask you not to forget. It's an unfortunate truth, but one you can't escape no matter who you end up with, especially when your backgrounds are so different. But you are sorry for how you treated him, and that's important. If you felt justified, then I'd be worried."
"Do you think I should talk to him?" Harry hoped that Lupin would say yes.
"Only if you want to. I can't say what you should do, but I think it's obvious that he's still very important to you."
Harry looked at the floor and mumbled shamefully, "Part of me hurt him because I thought he was going to reject me. If he doesn't notice how undesirable I am right now, then his father will turn him against me, and there's really no point in us trying to be together if that's the case."
"So you figured you would head him off at the pass and abandon him before he could abandon you?"
Harry nodded quietly, feeling suddenly small and insignificant. Unwanted.
"It gave you the illusion of control, didn't it, to tell him to leave you alone?"
"He looked like he was panicking when I told him off, so, yeah… I felt in control."
Lupin's smile was sympathetic. "It makes sense that you'd expect the ones you love to abandon you."
Harry looked up at him wonderingly.
"Your parents passed on, and the relatives you do have don't treat you very well from what I've heard. I had to leave you suddenly after being your teacher for less than a year, and even Sirius had to leave you just as soon as he came back into your life. Then, you didn't hear much from any of us all summer long. It makes sense that you'd expect Draco to fail you too, but I think you'd be mishandling this fear no matter who you fell in love with. It's not unique to Draco."
"What do you mean?" Harry could feel his temper rising. "Are you saying I'll never love like a normal person?"
"Definitely not."
"Then what?"
Lupin sighed, then gestured for Harry to sit with him on the sofa.
After glaring at the cushion next to Lupin, Harry eventually joined him but refused to make eye contact. He hated being talked down to, and he felt like that was happening to him right now.
"You've been damaged, Harry," Lupin went on after carefully weighing his words. "I didn't make things better for you when I had to leave, but the adversity you've faced doesn't disqualify you from experiencing true love. I'm only pointing out that Draco isn't special when it comes to your fear of abandonment. How did you feel about your friends—and Dumbledore—and Sirius—and the rest of the Order before you came here?"
"Abandoned," Harry said simply. "And I felt invisible when I got here. I felt left out. I felt abandoned even when Draco wrote to me a few weeks back. His letter said he was moving on, so I guess my fear about him leaving isn't really all made up. They're changing him," he added quickly, when he noticed the concerned way Lupin was looking at him. "His parents figured out he's bent."
"So they want to iron him out, do they…?"
"With psychomancy, or whatever."
Lupin chuckled softly to himself while he considered that. "It won't work," he said, when he saw the tearful shine in Harry's eyes. "They might rope him into shaming himself or policing his every thought, but they can't change what he's attracted to or who he loves. If that person is you, then you can rest assured you're in his heart for good. With a Permanent Sticking Charm, no less."
Harry smiled, but Lupin's words did nothing to lighten his mood.
"They can scrape and pick at who he is all day, but his true nature will only be gotten rid of if they—" Lupin glanced around at the tapestry "—well, burn the whole house down."
"I wanted to write to him," Harry confessed, feeling overwhelmed by a flood of thoughts he hadn't realized were lurking in the back of his mind. "No one would talk to me, and I was tempted to tell him everything. I had this dream, see, where I wrote to him and explained everything, and he sent his owl back to me instantly, and he was furious—especially at Dumbledore. His letter said, 'Are you okay?' I felt so loved the second I read that. 'I would go to you if I could,' he said, 'but—you shouldn't be writing to me. I shouldn't be writing to you. But if you'd only listened to me, or listened to my father, I could've done something to stop all this. I'd have you here with me,' he said, 'and I don't care if Dumbledore tried to keep you out of my house—I'd find a way to have you. Do you see, Potter? Your friends are useless. No help at all.' I was convinced of that when I woke up, and I was ready to leave everyone behind if it meant that he and I…"
Harry swallowed painfully. Somewhere beneath the surface, he had been hoping to run away with Draco. He had been hoping to elope and become fugitives together, a couple of teenage tearaways at odds with the Ministry and the whole world.
Lupin waited patiently. Even though there was a prolonged moment of silence, it was obvious that Harry still had more to get off his chest.
"My cousin figured out I had something like a boyfriend," Harry went on. "He heard me sleep-talking about Cedric plenty of times, but he also heard me going on about Draco, so he figured out the gist and teased me for it." Harry wrung the hem of his shirt. "I miss him, sir. Draco. I wish I could tell you how it feels. He's so wonderful when he wants to be, but my disgust with his father transferred onto him, and I couldn't bear looking at him—"
"That's the thing," Lupin pointed out, interrupting Harry's flow of speech as gently as he could. "The first step to resolving this conflict is admitting what really happened, and you've done just that. Of no fault of your own, Harry, your brain made a connection between what happened to you while Lucius was watching, and his son who had nothing to do with it. It's not your fault, but you need to understand that. If Draco is a good boy, you've got to figure out a way to build trust and grow past all this."
"But how?" Harry said. "You're basically telling me I'm wired this way."
"Well… yes and no. Listen. You don't start angling for trust by completely diving in feet first and telling him your whole story. He could destroy you if he isn't safe, so it would be best if you took small steps. Share your life with him one small bit at a time—" and for a moment Harry remembered Draco's reaction to the Dursleys, and how he had expressed a desire to protect him "—and have him confide in you in turn. In time, you'll come to learn if he's safe, or if he plans to weaponize your secrets in a way that hurts you. I'm afraid there's no other way than to slowly stick your neck out and evaluate what he does in response to your vulnerability. You'll both have to risk getting hurt, but keep in mind that neither of you is going to be perfect. I've hurt Sirius enough times to drive myself hysterical, and he's hurt me, but we always find a way to work through it. We don't villainize each other, and that's important. We try to remember that love is why the heartbreak is happening in the first place."
Harry supposed he had a lot more thinking to do before the school year began, but he also hadn't forgotten his initial question. He scooted toward the edge of the sofa very nervously and glanced sideways at Lupin. "So… what about the first question I asked?" He swallowed uncomfortably, afraid that he had overstepped his bounds, but he was determined to learn something about what it would be like.
It took a moment for Lupin's brain to switch gears, but when it did, he looked bashful. "The first time," he said slowly, being careful with his phrasing, "it will hurt. But the right person will be patient, and after a while it'll likely turn to pleasure. If you're trying to receive, Harry, there's a chance you might not like it. A fantasy doesn't always play out in real life like we hoped, but it's one of the most beautiful feelings I've ever experienced. Don't be scared if you decide to go through with it one day, but keep in mind that you should wait a few years, until you're both mature enough to understand what you're doing to each other. I was a boy once though… brimming with passion. I didn't wait, but I think I understood it more than he did."
Harry's mind raced. His heart pounded at the prospect of being with Draco. But sharing his body with him like that was about as likely as Cornelius Fudge admitting Voldemort was back.
"Do you like girls?" Lupin asked softly. "Or is it just boys?"
Gradually, a smile sprouted over Harry's face. "I love girls," he said, thinking of Cho. "I want a girlfriend too. There's this one in particular. She drives me almost as crazy as he does, and I would really love to—"
Harry blushed, realizing he should not be talking to Lupin like this. The conversation was on the verge of becoming overly explicit, and he did not think it was appropriate.
"Follow your heart, Harry," the man said encouragingly, "but don't lose your brain along the way. If you go after a girl, I want you to be especially considerate when it comes to getting what you want. You're not the only one with feelings in a relationship, and I hope you will remember that. Boys your age are liable to forget that there's another person's heart at the other end of things." He sighed. "I think that's about the best advice I can give you when it comes to what you're dealing with."
"And it was so different from Sirius," Harry said, somewhat crestfallen. It was almost as if his godfather had let him down.
"What did he tell you?" Lupin asked, and Harry told him. "Yes, well," Lupin shrugged after mulling over Sirius's pessimistic advice. "Your godfather is a wonderful man, but he's still blinded by hate when it comes to his family. Sometimes he can get a little heavy-handed with the emotional pyrotechnics."
"Pyrotechnics?"
"I mean, he tends to get dramatic with his language or act impulsively—not unlike you. He makes a conscious effort to not think in black and white, but it's still a presiding weakness of his. Don't get me wrong," he said in reaction to the angry look on Harry's face, "it's been difficult for him to overcome that way of thinking, and he's aware of it, but you can relax knowing it's all coming from a good place."
"Guess I did sort of get dramatic with Draco, didn't I?" Harry said after a moment of reflection.
The corners of Lupin's eyes wrinkled with amusement. "At least you'll get to see if he cares about you for you, and not just the easy parts he wants. Only, don't test him anymore if you can help it. Testing never makes anything better."
"I'll try," Harry said, still feeling ashamed of his behavior. And then, when he allowed himself to think about the two men he admired most in the world being an item, his chest began to swell with a strange, new warmth.
"I'm glad you're with him, by the way. Sirius. It feels like I get to have two dads, and I couldn't have hoped for anything better."
"Just don't go telling anyone else, please," Lupin said with an uneasy smile. "We aren't open about it with anyone. Not even Molly and Arthur."
"Your secret's safe," Harry said, unable to stop himself from grinning at the fact that his family was slowly becoming bigger.
Two dads, he thought, practically reeling at his good luck. I hope I get to live with them soon. Although he would not be too thrilled if Grimmauld Place was still being decontaminated by the time that he moved in.