"Thank you... I'm happy that I met you."
His words echoed into silence in that impossibly large chasm. Without his voice there to fill the space as it had been doing for minutes, it was like he was already dead.
Yet he wasn't.
Shinji had never realized the curse that was the synchronized sensations between himself and his Eva. The beast's hands were an extension of his own; every nerve in his shaking palm was firing with the feeling of what his Eva was holding.
Kaworu was miniscule, body pressed unmoving by tons of shiny, purple metal, and it was Shinji doing it. It was Shinji who held Kaworu, and the Angel felt like a pitiful kitten stuck in his hand the way he was.
Completely at Shinji's mercy. And he was ready to die.
He had asked it so pleadingly, to die by Shinji's hand. But Shinji wasn't ready to do it. He wasn't ready to take the life of the only person who'd ever loved him. And he never would be.
But it didn't matter that he wasn't ready. Kaworu had made the decision for him. All Shinji had to do was fulfill his desire, and once again, Shinji was nothing more than a tool with the sole purpose of doing as he was told. He'd become accustomed to it - to submitting to whatever he was told to do. And suddenly, he realized Kaworu wasn't the powerless one here. Even when he was about to be killed, Kaworu was still the one guiding him.
Shinji bowed his head when it happened so that he wouldn't have to see the life fade from those eyes that'd never glimmer at him ever again. And yet, he could still feel them. The boy was staring straight at him even though there was no way he could actually see him through his Eva. And he didn't look away, not even when Shinji finally squeezed the giant's hand shut.
But the sensation of crushing and the sound of cracking Shinji expected never cane.
A bright flash of something forced itself through Shinji's closed eyelids. There was a force pressing back against his hand. Like a wild cord of electricity, it shook and surged through the gaps of Unit-01's fingers, and Shinji's hand tingled painfully. Shocked and frightened, he squeezed the hand harder. He wanted it to stop, to get it over with. Why was this happening?
A horrible humming sound, unnatural and deep like a warbling gong rang through the abyss and dug loudly into Shinji's ears. The boy gasped, the tingling in his palm stronger, pricking up his arm now. It wasn't until his arm started shaking violently like it was being electrocuted that Shinji attempted to release his grip, but now, the thing in his hand wouldn't let go.
He made a panicked, desperate noise in the back of his throat. As the tingling shot further through his body, he frantically thought of Rei, her body corrupted by an Angel, whom she sacrificed her life to kill, and then of Asuka, her mind ruined by the projections forced into her by another Angel. It was happening to him now; this thing that couldn't possibly be the same being that'd held his hand in the bathing room was surging its way through him as if his body was as easily conductible as a battery.
His world spun dangerously as the thing traveled harshly up his neck, his breathing quick and panicked. Immediately, he tried to run - it was all he could think of doing - but now his Eva was rooted in the pool of LCL below, and his vision was blocked by an impossibly bright light. Anguished beyond belief, Shinji struggled. But a rumbling shook the beast's husk, one unpleasantly familiar.
Its hand forcefully closed around the Angel. Shinji heard a loud crack. The electricity Shinji had so forcefully been gripped with shot back to its source, and the sound rang silent.
Everything was calm.
Then, a giant burst of energy exploded from his Eva's hand, propelling it backwards. Unable to see for the light, and unable to hear from the ringing in his ears, Shinji was enveloped with a white-hot pain, and the panic of falling endlessly through the air was the last thing he felt, before his mind went blank, and the white was all he could see.
He had only wanted to help.
...
Shinji's head swam when he next opened his eyes. For a second, he felt his fright return, afraid that he was still there in that unexplainable place. Yet the sight of a white, blurry ceiling told him otherwise. That unfamiliar ceiling which he had started to become very familiar with.
'I'm in the hospital again.'
It took nearly a minute for Shinji to regain his senses. When he did, he blinked, then sat up in bed. His skin felt tender all over.
"Kaworu-kun?" he asked stupidly, as if the boy would answer him. But all that met him was his own voice echoing back in that giant, fluorescent light-filled room. No one else was there.
A deep pit formed in his stomach as recalled what'd happened. His heartbeat quickened. Back in Terminal Dogma, Kaworu had asked Shinji to kill him, speaking about death of humanity and Angels and a number of other things Shinji didn't understand. But what had happened right after? Had Shinji actually done it? Was Kaworu really...?
Rising from his bed, he shook slightly on his legs. How long had he been asleep? It felt like he'd just woken up from a long dream, yet he knew he hadn't. Everything he'd seen and felt from before felt far too real, and if it truly had been, he needed to see what'd happened to Kaworu.
Not even certain of where he was meant to go for answers, Shinji pushed open his room's door, noticing the soreness of his arms and the bandages that covered them, reminding him distinctly of Rei. His skin almost looked rubbed raw.
His hand slid against the wall as he walked down the empty hallways flooded with artificial light. It was starting to give him a headache, helped by Shinji's continuous whirring of thoughts.
Whether or not Kaworu was really... gone, Shinji had conceded to do it. He had squeezed his hand shut, intending to kill him. His guilt pulled horribly at his stomach. The dread was setting in.
Kaworu could be dead now, and it would all be his fault.
"Shinji-kun?! Shinji-kun, what are you doing - you're supposed to be in bed!"
Shinji swiveled his head around too fast, worsening his headache. "Misato-san...?"
Misato was rushing towards him from an adjacent hallway, her face pulled with an expression more akin to panic than worry.
She gripped him by the shoulders, face set. He winced. "Ah- Misato-san, please," not bothering with pretenses, he stared frantically back at her. "What happened? Where is he?"
Even through his haze, Shinji could tell she knew exactly who he was talking about by the way her expression shifted.
Misato shook her head slightly. "You need to get back to bed, you're still recovering, come on..."
She attempted to guide Shinji back to where he came from, but Shinji stepped away, suddenly offensive. "Recovering from what? Tell me what happened!"
Just as perturbed as she looked before, Misato hesitated again.
"You've been in here unconscious for nearly a day. Whatever happened down there left you with second-degree burns and a really overstimulated mind. If you hadn't been in Unit-01, that Angel would've killed you..."
Shinji felt his hand tightening at his side. "'That Angel?'" Shinji shook his head. "Is that what you're calling him...?"
She sighed, looking away from him. "Shinji-kun, you need to listen. He isn't a human. He nearly killed everyone and everything on the planet; he's an Angel just like the rest of them. When you tried to kill him-"
Shinji's head shot up. "Tried to...?" Hope reared inside him. "You mean he's not dead?"
Misato looked quickly back at him, angry with herself. "You're not listening to me, Shinji-kun, please," She stepped nearer to him. "He isn't like you and me..."
Anger bubbled up in his throat. "No, you're not listening to me! I already told you; I want to know what happened to him! I don't care what he was doing, I don't care what he is, I need to see him!"
"It isn't that simple..." She shook her head again.
Shinji recognized vaguely the expression she wore. It was the one she put on when commanding, giving out orders. Yet it was disturbed by underlying sympathy. Any other time, it would've shaken him, but right now, he was far too emotional. He was tired of it - tired of being treated like a child who couldn't understand anything. It didn't matter if it wasn't simple, he needed to know!
"And why not?! I was the one down there with him; I deserve to know what happened!"
Misato closed her eyes. It almost seemed like the longer this went on, the more she struggled with herself. "You know the amount of trouble this could get me in...?" After another moment, her shoulders dropped, and she reopened her eyes. "Come on, then..."
She turned back to the hallway she'd come from, walking away from him. For a moment, Shinji felt like defiantly standing still until Misato explained everything properly, but his desire for any shard of explanation pushed him to follow behind her.
He did so slowly, staring at the back of her raven hair as it swished behind her. She hadn't confirmed, nor denied if Kaworu was alive, but she hadn't referred to him in the past tense either. It was almost like Kaworu was in limbo, not alive, but not dead. Shinji was burning with suspense.
After minutes of walking, their path led them to a door, through which Misato passed after scanning her keycard. Shinji furrowed his eyebrows as they continued walking, meeting yet another door only passable with an ID, this one flanked by guards. They looked at Shinji dubiously but didn't speak as they moved onwards.
"What is all of this...?"
Briefly, Misato shot a look over her shoulder at him. "You wanted to see him, didn't you?"
As her foreboding question sunk into Shinji's head, Misato passed through one last door. It opened up into a large room, tinted blue by the dim, fluorescent lighting. Aside from being far dimmer from the rest of the hospital, it was a lot more cluttered too.
A number of folding tables had been lined up in rows along the room, each covered with tangling cords from computers and technical machines. Strewn about the empty spaces of the tables were countless papers, messily compiled in an attempt at organization. The entire room looked makeshift.
More confusing than anything to Shinji was the bustling of the people inside. Nerv scientists, some of whom Shinji recognized, were either sitting at chairs along the tables or walking back and forth along them, speaking urgently to one another.
Turning slowly to Misato, Shinji echoed himself. "What is this? What are they all doing here?"
He turned back to the room when it quieted down. Many of them had stopped talking, their heads turned towards him, others hesitating, noting his presence, but continuing to speak.
The woman at the far end of the room turned her head at the change in volume. What Shinji had assumed was a normal wall was revealed to be a large window in the middle of the room when Ritsuko turned fully to face him. And he couldn't help but feel disquieted when her expression mirrored Misato's near exactly.
The blonde woman walked forward; arms crossed. "Katsuragi, what do you think you're doing?"
Shinji stared between the women, whose faces were equally purposeful. For once, Misato wasn't shrinking at Ritsuko's reprimand.
"He has a right. If it wasn't for Shinji-kun, we wouldn't even have him here-"
"Don't." Ritsuko put up a hand. "You know very well that no one is to set foot here unless-"
Misato parried, "I'm the major, I have the authority to bring him here."
Ritsuko looked at her sharply. "This is a hospital, not headquarters. I believe it's my authority that surpasses yours."
The black-haired woman narrowed her eyes. "If you're so afraid of getting in trouble, then just tell Ikari I was the one who brought him."
Pinching the bridge of her nose, Ritsuko glanced at Shinji. "This isn't good for him, you know it."
"According to you, it's not my business to know anything."
Tired of the tenseness and ambiguity in their speech, Shinji tuned out the women, looking past them to the window Ritsuko had been looking out of before. His mouth fell open slightly.
Without real thought, Shinji stepped past them, walking down the middle isle to near the glass. It led out to another room, one equally as dim as this one, but it was tiny. A number of people were leaning over a hospital bed in the center, and the frail, unmoving patient that occupied it would've been unidentifiable to Shinji, if not for their strands of grey hair.
His heart might've given out.
Shaking, Shinji pressed his hands to the glass. "Kaworu-kun...?"
Without noticing the room around him getting far quieter, Shinji continued to stare. He wanted to see him more clearly, but the people grouped around him made it impossible. All he could see was deathly pale skin. His breath stuttered when the doctors moved, allowing him to fully take in Kaworu's expanse of skin. His entire body was hooked up with tubing and wires, chest was dyed scarlet with blood, all of him covered in bruises.
Shinji raised his voice to a near scream.
"Shinji-kun, come on-"
"No! What the hell is this?! What are they doing?! Tell them to stop!"
Heels clicked fast behind him. "Calm down, Shinji-kun-"
Shinji threw off Ritsuko's arm, raising his voice. He felt sick, watching a small group of people in the corner of that room passively scribbling on clipboards while Kaworu laid there, deathly white and bleeding. "What are you all doing?! Why won't you tell them to stop- I said stop!"
He pounded his fists against the glass, causing all of the scientists at their computers to jump upwards, voices raised in alarm.
Hysterically, Shinji continued to hammer at the glass, and those horrible people who'd backed away from Kaworu's body looked back sharply.
"Help him already! What's wrong with all of you?! Please-!"
Misato swiftly pulled him backwards, dragging him under the arms while Shinji kicked and struggled.
"Shinji-kun, stop it!"
Although he knew he was much too weak to break free of her, Shinji continued to squirm. Angry tears pricked at his eyes.
"Let me go - let me see him! I wanna help him!"
Most of the people in the room had edged away from the flailing pair, but Ritsuko stepped in front of Shinji.
"You can't help him. There isn't anything you can do."
He shook his head jerkily, squeezing his eyes shut. "They're hurting him! They're gonna kill him!"
The doctor sighed. She looked stained. "They're testing him; he's useful. No one is going to kill him... not yet."
Shinji's eyes widened, and he slackened in Misato's grip. Not expecting it, she nearly fell with him in her arms. Everything inside Shinji ran cold. Even the pain of his burnt skin frictioning against Misato's arms felt numb.
"...What's wrong with all of you?"
Shinji's sudden shift in tone seemed to alarm the others into complete silence.
Picking his head up, eyes still brimming with tears, Shinji stared at Ritsuko, and he despised her right then. Misato still held him loosely, anticipating another lunge outward.
"So, you're just using him as a test subject, like a rat? Like some animal?"
Turning her head to the glass again, Ritsuko responded, "You forget what he is, Shinji-kun. What he nearly did. Given that you were down there with him, I would've thought you would understand best of anyone-"
"Don't you dare!" Shinji yelled over her. He could feel the silent judgement of the people around him, as if they were watching a toddler throwing a tantrum. He was so indignant. "None of you spoke to him, not even for a second! If you had you'd know he'd never wanted to hurt anyone!"
"He is still an Angel."
Shinji cried out in frustration. How could they all be so stupid? "Look at him! He's a human, an injured person, and none of you are doing anything to help!" One of the tears that'd been threatening to spill from his eyes fell down his face, hot. "If it was any other person - if it was me - would you just sit there and let it happen?!"
The people surrounding them looked perturbed. Some of them had glanced away, or else turned to their neighbors, as if they could just ignore what he was saying. Yet Shinji knew the effect he'd had.
Quietly from behind him, Misato interjected, "It isn't their choice, Shinji-kun..."
"Then who-?! What..." He trailed off, the pit in his stomach telling him exactly who she was talking about.
A door in the corner between this room and Kaworu's slid open with an electronic whir. Cold malice slipped through Shinji's stomach.
"Tests were interrupted; what's the meaning of this?"
Ritsuko stepped towards the newcomer, her expression apprehensive for the first time. "Commander, it's..."
Shinji pulled himself loose from Misato's arms, staring hard up into his father's face as he stepped nearer. When the man's eyes met his coldly, Shinji felt himself falter. Yet he wouldn't let himself stand aside.
"Let him go, father."
Once again, the room was silent. Shinji's face turned red as Gendo continued to gaze at him.
Yet he broke the eye contact without a word, looking past Shinji to Misato. "Bring the Third Child back to bed."
He turned to Ritsuko. "You were considering a psych evaluation when he woke up. Get it done. We can't spare another pilot - not when we have so few."
Shinji stood staring like a statue as Gendo carelessly passed him to leave the room.
When he'd gone, and Shinji made no more indication of another outburst, the scientists slowly broke out into speech again.
Obviously tense, Ritsuko seemed to have nothing else to say to Shinji, instead turning back to the window, just as she had been doing before he entered.
"Come on, let's go..." Misato, more gently this time, took hold of Shinji's arm to lead him away. Shinji didn't have the energy to resist any longer. He couldn't even stand to look through that window again. The thought of seeing Kaworu like that made him sick with hopelessness.
Shinji dragged his feet as Misato lead him away, back through the normal part of the hospital. After a few minutes, she lightly cupped his hand in hers and squeezed it. He didn't respond.
"I know you don't want to go back to your room here. Why don't we just... talk?" She looked over at him encouragingly.
Again, Shinji didn't say anything. What could there possibly be to talk about? They weren't going to listen to Shinji - they weren't going to heal Kaworu and let him go free. He was going to die in that claustrophobic room full of strangers; Ritsuko had more or less confirmed that. And it was all because of his own father. Just the thought of him made bile rise up in Shinji's throat. Of course he would be the one to rob him of the one thing that'd made him happy.
Without caring where they were going, Shinji let Misato bring him into a break room, goading him to sit at a bench against the wall. The dim lighting reminded Shinji of the room he'd just been in moments ago. He was sick of hospitals.
"I know how tired you are of being left in the dark."
His head stayed hung, facing his lap.
Misato sat beside him. "...Like I said before, it's only been a day since the 17th Angel Attack. You've been unconscious in here since." She sighed, pressing her back against the bench. "We don't know what happened down there, and I'm sure they'll ask you soon enough, but whatever it was left you both with injuries. Unit-01 was damaged extensively too, but obviously you were our priority."
"And he wasn't?" Shinji asked bitterly.
"We didn't know he was still alive. From above, all we could see was that his A.T. field was fluctuating violently. We had no idea what to make of it... but then, it completely dispersed, and we lost all signs of the 17th Angel." She looked at him. "It was like any other battle. We thought you killed him."
Shinji lifted his head slightly, staring glassy-eyed ahead. "I was supposed to. He..." Shinji swallowed. "He wanted me to kill him, and I-I tried to do it." Shaking his head, he went on, "But I couldn't. Something was stopping me, and then..." He motioned weakly with his hand, unable to recount exactly what'd transpired. Even though it was so fresh in his memory, it was still so blurry.
When his voice never came back, Misato looked forward. "When we came to recover you and Unit-01, we found his body floating in the LCL. He wasn't dead, but he was severely injured; as far as I know, there was a lot of internal bleeding and broken bones. A near neck fracture too. He showed signs of asphyxiation, so that's why he hasn't woken up."
A heavy, crushing weight settled over Shinji's body. How much pain must Kaworu have experienced when Shinji tried to crush him? It was his fault Kaworu had been injured. It was his fault Kaworu was now lying comatose in a hospital bed. He was the one who had agreed to kill him, and instead, he had left him mangled, now the subject of poking and prodding from doctors and scientists who were just doing as they were told. Shinji was overcome with an all too familiar self-loathing as the guilt buried itself deeper.
"...It should be me. I should be the one laying in that room right now. K-Kaworu-kun doesn't deserve this." He felt an awful pang in his chest. "He's not the monster... I am."
Misato remained silent, her expression made unclear from the shadows on her face.
He couldn't help but continue. It was like the full impact of Kaworu's suffering was finally setting in. He had been so kind and sweet, and Shinji had repaid it all by ruining him.
"He told me he loved me. It was the first time anyone's ever said that to me." His throat tightened up, his tone watery. "I-I never got to tell him I..."
A harsh breath interrupted his words. He could no longer keep it inside. So, he let his tears splatter down on his lap, hands sitting awkwardly at his sides.
Without a word, Misato placed her arm around Shinji's shoulder and pulled him into her side. Shinji turned his head into her arm, crying openly now.
He had just woken up not moments ago, yet all he wanted to do was sleep.
Shinji was so tired.
...
"All I see from this is that the boy is of no use to us any longer."
Ritsuko stared straight through the window, her glasses reflecting the only light in the Angel's sterile, little hospital room. Everything else around them was dark.
"That's how the old men see it too. And yet, I disagree."
Glancing sideways, Ritsuko waited for Gendo to react, yet he remained silent and still. She took this as permission to continue.
"We are to understand from these results that he retains little to no Angelic properties. His A.T. field has been completely neutralized, and unlike his forerunners, who could rebuild their A.T. fields, he has shown no signs of regeneration. It appears that his soul has been damaged beyond repair. Possibly, his soul has been completely severed from him…"
In a tone of cold impatience, Gendo replied, "I know this already. It makes no difference."
With dignity, Ritsuko continued. "You must see things from my perspective. You and the rest of Seele may understand what he is already, but to Nerv, he's a mystery. How would it look if I allowed him to die after just one day of observation? To me, at least, it would seem more prudent to keep him alive. No one would be suspicious that something may be being covered up."
"...And I suppose you have evidence to believe your scientists would become suspicious?"
Ritsuko sighed. "I've heard them talking. Some have come to me directly with their concerns, seeing if they could appeal that we properly take care of him. And I won't deny that Shinji-kun's outburst left most of them rattled."
Gendo kept staring ahead. "His presence earlier was your fault. There was no reason for him to be here."
Stung, but still trying to argue, Ritsuko brushed off the comment. "Either way, he made a point. They see it as unethical that we haven't done much to heal him. From an analytical standpoint, it's more difficult to gather data on him when he is so unresponsive. If we continue not to care for him, he'll likely never wake up, and Nerv personnel will have seen it as an odd waste of resources."
"From my standpoint, it would do no more harm to keep him alive than to let him die. Either way, he isn't helpful to Seele."
Thinking carefully about what she next wanted to say, Ritsuko stared down at Kaworu's body. They had reset his broken bones and given him oxygen, yet the rest of his injuries were unattended and clearly obvious on his naked body. He was undignified. She thought of Shinji's earlier comment, and realized he was right. The boy really was just a lab rat.
"He may be helpful in a different way. You saw the way Shinji-kun reacted. Even without conducting an evaluation, it's obvious he's psychologically damaged because of this. And if he doesn't recover, it's likely he won't be able to pilot Unit-01, which I don't have to tell you would be an intense setback in the eyes of Nerv, maybe even the rest of the UN." She looked once again at the man to her right. "If we let the boy live, we'll be less likely to face unnecessary factors like that."
Gendo didn't speak at first but continued to gaze forward. With a pang of longing, Ritsuko remembered the way she could read him when they first met. She wanted to feel him open up to her again, yet it'd been months since he'd even approached her. If she was getting through to him right now, he made absolutely no indication.
Was this how he had been with her mother too?
"I will leave the boy to you. As long as I have no responsibility over him, do as you please."
She watched as he turned and walked away, back out of the room void of anyone but them. Ritsuko was left entirely alone as he stepped outside. Slowly, and with a deep, depressive loneliness in her stomach, Ritsuko turned back to the window, staring unseeingly at the frail Angel's body.
She thought she understood how Shinji felt. If there was any chance that the man she loved would come back to her, of course she would be desperate too.
It was only natural.
...
The dusk-set sun painted the entire carriage orange. Its light glistened off of the swinging train handles dangling far above the lone passenger's head. He had thought he was alone, at least, until another person spoke across from him.
"Your guilt is palpable, Ikari Shinji-kun."
How would Shinji ever be able to forget that voice?
"I wonder... If you had succeeded in what I asked, would you feel as you do now?" He leaned forward in his seat, though Shinji didn't look up to see. "If you had killed me, would you be just as guilty?"
Slowly, the brown-haired boy picked up his head. Kaworu was looking at him with that same patient, caring smile he had always given him before. It made it hard to lie.
"I would be devastated."
"But this desperate?"
Closing his eyes, Shinji shook his head. "No."
"...A part of you wishes that I did die, isn't that right?"
Slowly, Shinji inclined his head. It was so cowardly to admit.
"If I had, you wouldn't need to gaze upon my near-corpse and struggle with the fact that you made me that way. It would all be over with already."
"But they won't help you."
Softly, as if it was a comfort, Kaworu murmured, "Your actions were still the ones that put me there. You feel responsible"
Desperately, Shinji looked up at him and shook his head. "I only did what you told me to, Kaworu-kun!"
The pale boy closed his eyes, still smiling softly. He didn't look accusatory, nor spiteful, nor angry. He looked at peace with everything.
"You did, and I am grateful for it. Even if it didn't go as I planned, you cared enough to fulfill my final desire." Whispering, Kaworu put his hand on his chest. "Even if it would bring you such anguish, you still let me be selfish."
Looking down again, Shinji clenched his hands. "You were never selfish, Kaworu-kun... You just wanted to be free." He looked back up again. "But I couldn't even do that. You're still stuck."
"A world I can share with you is never one where I will feel stuck. Even with the way my mind is suspended right now, you're still here. That's all I need, Shinji-kun."
Shinji's face twisted. The train rattled. "But that's not enough for me! I can't do it like this, I need you to come back! I need you to be here with me again!"
Kaworu stood up from his seat and walked forward. Shinji stared up at him as he looked down, grey hair swishing in the movement of the train. "If I could hold you, Shinji-kun, I would." His hands raised themselves up to Shinji's face, yet they faltered barely a centimeter from his cheeks. He couldn't touch Shinji, nor could Shinji feel any warmth coming from Kaworu's body. He was cold, intangible.
"Please, Kaworu-kun..."
His eyes were kind. "I'm still here, Shinji-kun. If I am what you desire, maybe it's time you reach out first."
Shinji couldn't think of what to say quickly enough, before he blinked, and found himself staring, once again, at that white ceiling. Sitting up slowly, Shinji felt the pit in his stomach return. Would he only ever be able to see Kaworu in dreams from now on?
Before he could spiral into further thought, Shinji turned his head at the click of his room's handle. The sight of who came in drove Kaworu momentarily from Shinji's mind.
"Ikari-kun, your meal."
Rei entered, carrying a tray of food. She offered it to him, then sat down in the hard fold-out chair beside his bed. Shinji took the tray, slowly, staring at Rei as she clasped her hands in her lap, looking vaguely at Shinji's wrinkled sheets.
"Thank you..."
It was odd. Everything about this moment was reminiscent of the eve of their fight against the 5th Angel. Yet this wasn't the Rei he had known then. She was a stranger, no more personal to him than anyone else. And yet...
"Ikari-kun, you were sent down to fight the Fifth Child two days ago."
Shinji nodded, looking down at his food. He couldn't remember the last time he ate, but he still wasn't hungry.
"How did you... feel about him?"
Blinking, Shinji stared back at Rei. She still looked down at her hands.
He knew she wasn't his Rei. He knew she wasn't the same Rei he had grown so close to, but he still felt inclined to her. Maybe it was just more desperation.
"...I felt a lot of ways about him. I still feel like that now." He went on, tone low, "But you never met him, Ayanami."
Lightly, Rei shook her head. "He spoke to me. He told me we were the same." She continued to stare blankly ahead. "I didn't understand him, yet I know he was right."
Quietly, Shinji responded, "He was different. I think he was like you too. And like me." His shoulders hunched. "I wish I could've known him better. If I had, I wonder if things could've been different." He closed his eyes, bitter. "But it doesn't matter now. It's too late for anything to change."
Rei didn't say anything. She was watching him with those piercing red eyes, the ones so like Kaworu's.
"...They told me you needed to get more rest after you ate. You will feel better soon, Ikari-kun."
Staring down once again at his unappetizing hospital food, he nodded. "Thank you for coming to see me, Ayanami."
"Yes," she said at last in that same quiet voice Shinji had become so used to.
"I'll be here for you."
He looked up again, but she had already gone.
Maybe she had been more familiar than he thought.
...
"Is there really a point to me coming back here again?"
Shinji asked the question darkly, walking alongside Misato as she led him down that foreboding path back to Kaworu's room. It'd been about five days now since the 17th Angel Attack, and Shinji had finally been discharged from the hospital, yet rather than taking him out and driving him back home, Misato had brought Shinji further into the building's depths.
"It's something important. Ritsuko wasn't sure if you should know yet, but I insisted."
Warily, Shinji just kept his mouth shut as he followed. Knowing Kaworu's fate, Shinji didn't think he wanted to know anything new. He didn't even think he had the strength to look at Kaworu's body again. It must be even worse off than it had been before.
"Just wait, okay, Shinji-kun?"
Shinji held his breath when they made it to the door leading back into the observation room. He was surprised to see that it had more or less been cleared out, and more lights had been turned on. Only a few tables were now lined up near the wall, and a single scientist was sitting at a computer.
Turning her head from her work, Maya smiled lightly in recognition. Shinji just nodded, the awkward memory of his rageful fit reminding him that was the last time she had seen him. "Ah, Shinji-kun, you're here. Ritsuko-senpai!"
Ritsuko turned her head from the window, walking towards Shinji, who still couldn't help feeling a strong foreboding. But the blonde woman, despite her worn face, was smiling.
"Well, there has been a change of plans."
Waiting in anticipation, Shinji just looked back at her.
"We're bringing him back to health, at least, we're trying."
The breath caught in Shinji's throat finally pushed itself free. He stared at her searchingly. Surely, he must've heard her wrong. She had been so unwavering last time he saw her, and now...?
Slowly, shakily, Shinji walked up to the glass window, afraid, but curious. He stared at the boy in the other room. He didn't know if he'd call this view any more pleasant than the last one. At the very least, he knew it was supposed to be a good sign, but that didn't mean he was any less heartbroken seeing it.
Kaworu was laying in the same place as before, but he was now wearing an oxygen mask, his body littered with assorted tubing leading to IVs and vital machines. The number of braces and bandages on his body made his bare skin almost completely obscured. Shinji could just barely see his face.
He should've been happy, he knew it, and he thought that he must've been, but it was drowned out by the other feelings he was experiencing. Relief wasn't as close as he imagined it would've been.
Ritsuko had stepped up beside him without his notice. "We started procedures the night before last. When we concluded our testing, we realized that his biological readings showed a certain result..."
Shinji didn't look at her.
"His A.T. field now resembles that of a human." She looked through the window. "Of course, that isn't to say he is one. He's still an Angel technically, but he's a very special case. The only difference it has made to us so far is that we've needed to synthesize type Blue blood for him."
The boy kept his hand pressed to the glass, looking back out. "But is he... is he improving? Is he getting better?"
"He's..." she hesitated, "improving, yes. Without getting into extreme detail, he's undergone a few vital treatments that will be beneficial in the end." She turned to him. "But I need you to understand. We don't know if he'll wake up, or when. Oxygen flow to his brain was cut off for several minutes during his attack. I won't make unfounded promises. But at the very least, his body is likely to survive."
When Ritsuko went silent, the only noise that filled the room was the whirring of electronics and typing from Maya's computer near the wall.
Shinji looked down momentarily. He asked quietly, "How did my father agree to this?"
Ritsuko's expression was unreadable. "He was passive. In the end he left the decision up to me."
"...Thank you, Akagi-san."
He meant the gratitude genuinely, but his monotone made it feel disingenuous.
After a few more minutes of standing there, Misato walked up from behind, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Well... that's that. Why don't we go h-"
"Could I just visit him?"
Shinji asked the question abruptly, surprising even himself. He hadn't even thought it over before he'd said it.
"...He's still unconscious, Shinji-kun. I'm not sure what good it would do..."
Shaking his head, Shinji continued, "I just... I just want to spend some time with him."
Ritsuko and Misato exchanged a glance behind him.
"I suppose it's... alright. I'll come get you after a few minutes, then."
Shinji nodded, then followed Ritsuko as she led him to the door between the rooms. Again, he felt slightly apprehensive. This would be the first time he came into contact with Kaworu since he tried to kill him. How was this going to feel?
The door had shut quietly behind him when he entered. The room smelled sterile, like drugs and Lysol, even more so than the rest of the hospital - it was slightly nauseating. Uncertainly, he looked back through the window, but Misato and Ritsuko weren't really watching him, more involved in an apparently deep discussion with each other.
He turned his head back around, walking meekly up to Kaworu's body. His heartbeat picked up the closer he got, and somehow, even though he'd never considered himself squeamish, the way Kaworu looked laying there, veins pricked with needles and throat filled with tubing was so horribly delicate that his legs shook.
He took up a chair beside his bed and stared. It was a stupid thought, but he wished Kaworu would look back. Though Kaworu's eyes were unseeing, closed, head facing the ceiling. He wasn't going to turn to Shinji. He wasn't going to offer him forgiveness or reprimand, nor would he acknowledge him at all. He was simply there, and Shinji might as well have been staring at the hospital bed itself, wishing childishly that he could bring it to life if he just looked long enough.
There was nothing he could do to help him. The poor, perfect boy was beyond him now.
...But that didn't mean Shinji wasn't still desperate for him to hear him.
"I'm sorry," he said softly.
Shinji feared that if he raised his voice any higher, he might start crying. "I'm sorry for what I did to you. I'm sorry I couldn't do the only thing you asked me to, and I'm sorry that you had to meet me."
He sighed shakily, looking up at the ceiling. "I'm so sorry for all of the time you chose to spend with me. I should've known not to let someone else into my life - that I'd just ruin it... especially if it was someone like you."
Despite his efforts, Shinji couldn't help his eyes filling with tears when he looked back down at Kaworu. "I should've just told you to leave me be - I should've ignored you. But I was too cowardly, and you were too nice, and now I've-" he hiccupped, "-I've messed it all up, and I don't know if you'll ever come back."
Heaving, Shinji's voice cracked into silence. He couldn't help but think that coming to see Kaworu had been a mistake, yet the thought of not doing so felt even worse. No matter how far from Kaworu's body he was, it wouldn't make him feel any better. But at least here, in this horribly clean space, Kaworu felt solid. Even if he couldn't respond, even if he couldn't hear Shinji, at least he was there.
Shinji raised his tear-stained face up to Kaworu again. He hadn't changed from that peaceful expression. He wished he could go where Kaworu's mind was right now.
Almost automatically, Shinji reached out his hand, shakily resting it on Kaworu's. His fingers were cold.
"This is so stupid of me, to sit here and whine, because it's all over with and now there's nothing I can do about it. What would you say to me if you were listening?" Shinji asked, looking back at Kaworu's face. He turned away.
"You were always so nice to me, even when I didn't respond to it. There's a lot I regret about those times we had together, even if there weren't a lot of them." He squeezed Kaworu's limp fingers lightly. "Like how I didn't hold your hand back. Or how I never got to tell you that I l-love you too."
Silence.
It was no better than saying it in his own head. The confession didn't mean anything if the one he meant it for couldn't even process it. Loosening his grip on Kaworu's fingers, Shinji's hand fell back to his lap.
"I'm happy that I met you too, Kaworu-kun..."
...
He didn't understand it, and though it alarmed him, he didn't show it. He had gotten quite good at that over the years.
"Ikari," graveled a voice to his left, impossibly loud and echoing. "We have yet to come to an agreement on how best to proceed."
Another disembodied voice, this one shriller, echoed a similar idea. "Without the divine guidance of the Dead Sea Scrolls, we are powerless. And its predictions have been broken."
"The Final Messenger has not died by the hand of your Evangelions."
As if that needed to be said. He knew well that the boy was alive, and that it had been his own carelessness that allowed it. At the time, of course, it hadn't been intentional, yet the boy's living had indeed proven useful, or so he had thought. He knew, despite the old men's ambiguity, that unless all of the angels died, their rite couldn't be completed. And so, his own plan for instrumentality may easily be reached.
Yet that wasn't true.
His thoughts were interrupted by another man just in front of him. "While at first we thought to simply send someone to kill the boy now, it has been made clear to us that he may not be Adam's Vessel any longer. His A.T. field is no longer at its previous capacity, rendering his body useless to us."
"And yet," another piped up from the Commander's other side, "The rite cannot be completed. Tabris has not died, and that part of the boy's soul is no longer bound to him. We have lost it."
"This may very well mean that Tabris has the ability to return to Adam without a vessel."
They were right, maybe righter than they really knew. The fragment of Adam's soul inside of that boy had broken free from him during the Angel attack. The boy was barely an Angel, barely more than human now. The true Angel had left to find its mother, to re-piece itself back to Adam.
And it had succeeded.
The most imposing voice of the obelisks spoke up. "If that were to occur, the Human Instrumentality Project would be jeopardized. Once an Angel returns to Adam, we no longer hold power over it."
A whirring silence echoed through the voided room, then, "Ikari, your personnel have secured Adam? Is it still dormant?"
"Yes. Both Seeds of Life are accounted for."
Although he didn't care, Gendo wondered how long it'd been since he last told Seele the whole truth.
The meeting ended with a whooshing as his office returned to him.
"I have failed in my mission."
Fuyutsuki kept still, adjacent to Gendo's desk. "It was unpredictable. I don't deny that our goal seems further than ever."
"All of that work," Gendo grunted.
"Where did it get us, Ikari?"
His hand was pounding in pain. It had been for days now. If not for his glove, it would've been apparent that he was pained by the obvious injury he bore.
His hand, the one carrying Adam, was rotting.
Merged with the 17th Angel now, Adam had not remained as it was before. A whole, intact soul carries the curse of sentience and reasoning. Now more whole, it had made the choice to struggle, to ruin everything Gendo had waited so long for:
Adam had killed itself. There was no more hope of instrumentality.
"I'm so sorry, Yui..."
...
"Hey, Shinji-kun! Things are looking just fine today."
Smiling lightly, Shinji nodded at Maya. She was almost always there to greet him when he came for visits. "Thank you... So, did he get those braces removed?"
She smiled, turning back to her computer. "That's right. The breaks are healing pretty well."
Sighing, Shinji turned to the window. "Oh, good..."
"You can go ahead and see him now."
He nodded again. "Thanks, Ibuki-san."
Shinji entered Kaworu's room, the smile he wore outside slipping slightly as the door closed behind him. He supposed he should've gotten used to it by now, but the sullen feeling the room had always shook him every time he entered. Of course, he knew it wouldn't last too long. It never did.
"Hey, Kaworu-kun."
Shinji walked up to his bedside and took up the chair he always did. It had been nearly three months since Kaworu was first admitted, and Shinji had made it a requirement of himself to visit him as often as he could. During the first few weeks, Misato had gotten tired of taking him to and from the hospital every other day, so he was forced to take the train. It wasn't ideal at the time, but he had fallen into the routine of visiting him at least once or twice a week since then, and it seemed to work just fine for him. Anyway, he had already apologized to Kaworu for his change in schedule weeks and weeks ago.
The first few minutes with him were always a little awkward. It didn't help that Shinji realized, staring at Kaworu's face, that he had now known this frail, unconscious Kaworu for far longer than he had ever known the conscious one. Sometimes, he wondered if Kaworu would really be the way he remembered him if he ever did wake up. He wondered if Kaworu would still be just as kind and sweet. But those thoughts always made his heart pang with a horrible longing.
Rather than dwell, Shinji attempted to cast his mind elsewhere.
"...You know, you look a lot better than you used to. That ring around your neck isn't nearly as frightening... it's kind of like a cool scar now." He stopped himself from adding an apology for being the one who made the mark. He had lost count of the number of times he had apologized to Kaworu, but he knew it wasn't useful.
"The other bruises are healing too... it's almost like you could just pluck out those needles and take of that mask and walk out of here right now." Shinji smiled down at himself, murmuring, "That would be really nice."
He sat there silently, listening to the beeping of Kaworu's vitals.
Then, he picked up his head after a while. "You know, Ayanami has been mentioning you. I've been spending more time with her recently, and it actually seems like she might come with me the next time I visit," he offered encouragingly. "...She really does remind me of you. I feel like the two of you really would get along."
Tapping his foot absently, Shinji looked over Kaworu's too-neat bedsheets.
"She's the only other person I can picture you being good friends with... I'm not so sure why, but it's hard to imagine you getting along with someone like Asuka. I think I'd like to see that though..." Shinji smiled slightly.
Though, his smile slid away a second later, the thought of Asuka a painful one. "...I still haven't seen her," he admitted quietly. "I asked Misato-san if she could talk to her doctors to see if I could visit, but... apparently she told them she didn't want to see me."
He sighed, depressing into his chair. "I won't pretend like I wasn't bitter about it at first, but... I don't know, I guess I understand.
"They say she's improving mentally, but I wish she was back at home. Even though she wasn't nice to me most of the time, I still really miss her. I wondered a lot if she was missing me too, but I guess I got my answer..."
Glancing up at Kaworu, Shinji almost expected to see a sympathetic smile on his face. "It's just... lonely at home, I guess. Misato-san is there, but honestly, I still feel a little strange around her. It's like we fluctuate or something... One night we might watch a movie together, and then the next three we don't talk at all." The boy picked at his fingers. "At least with Asuka there, things would be more exciting. Maybe even less tense."
Gaze unfocused, he looked out the window into the near-empty observation room. "It's not like I really have the chance to make new friends or anything. Barely anyone lives in the city, even after all this time, so they don't really expect us to go to school. I guess if I really wanted, I could travel someplace else, but that would just be a bother.
"Anyway, I'm sure I have a reputation. I'm sure people wouldn't want to make friends with one of the pilots of these big robots that destroyed their homes and lives in this city."
Shinji fell silent, once again stopping himself from apologizing for rambling. There was something on his chest he needed to talk about.
"I still haven't seen my father… but neither has anyone else; it's been months already, and it looks like he's just vanished." He looked down. "I probably shouldn't be as upset as I am. He never treated me how I wanted, but he's still my father. Even if he came back though, I have no idea what I would say to him. Maybe it's better that he's gone, but still…"
It'd made him slightly fearful to reflect on his father's disappearance by himself. He had been looking forward to telling Kaworu about this, and actually saying it allowed did seem to make him feel better. Slightly, at least… He wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to feel entirely undisturbed about it.
"...My birthday is coming up in a few days. To be honest, I never really cared much for it. No one really celebrated it before." He thought briefly. "Well, there was my teacher - the one I used to live with, I mean - who would sometimes get me chocolate or something like that. I never really liked sweet things back then..."
Kaworu was just as peaceful as ever as Shinji, like he did often during these visits, laced his fingers with his friend's. His voice had lowered. "If there's anything I could wish for this time, it would be for you to wake up." He gazed at him earnestly, pleadingly, his thumb shakily circling the back of Kaworu's cold hand. "If I could just have you back, I can't help but think that things would be so much better for me."
Gently, longingly, Shinji leaned in towards Kaworu's face. He looked so perfect, even like this.
"Just... think about it, will you?" he whispered, smiling. Then apprehensively, yet determined, Shinji inched forward, and kissed Kaworu on the cheek.
He pulled back slowly, as if expecting him to flutter his eyes open like a girl reawakened in the forest after eating a poisoned apple. Predictably, they remained shut.
After a few more minutes, Shinji sighed, then stood up. "Well, I'll come back soon anyway. Maybe I will visit you on my birthday. It's not like I have any other plans," he shrugged.
Shinji neared the door, then looked back to offer the goodbye he always did now. "I'll see you later… I love you Kaworu-kun."
He deserved it, even if he couldn't hear it.
He always would.
...
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This last section was how I was initially going to end the story, and while I was decided on this for a while, I kept going back and forth on whether it should have a less empty feeling ending, so as a way so satiate myself (and everyone whose so used to sweet, happy endings from me), this next section of the story was written as an optional follow up.
This continuation is for those of you who feel understandably unsatisfied.
~Thank you
...
Agony like nothing he'd ever felt before had just rent its way through his body. He'd never known that the lilin body could experience so much pain that it disrupted the mind, yet he must now be experiencing some sort of psychological damage; how else could he explain the abrupt end to his pain? He was still conscious, so he must not be dead yet. Was this how it felt moments before death? Did you simply forget the pain? Because just now, even though he knew his physical form must be being crushed beyond repair, he didn't feel it. He was cold and stiff, yes, but nowhere near suffering like he had been moments ago. But what was that weird pressure on his face?
While a moment ago he had been bathed in complete, harsh light, he found himself staring blearily now at an endless expanse of dim color. He had no idea what he was looking at. He felt almost frustrated with himself for not being able to identify it. Why wasn't he able to just think?
He might've been staring up at that nothingness for seconds or hours, maybe even days. However long it took for a number of fleeting thoughts to pass through his mind. He was seeing, feeling, and hearing, however disoriented it was. He was able to move, to turn his head and shift his limbs, though they felt extremely heavy. How did he still even have functioning parts? It made him realize that he couldn't be dead.
It didn't make sense, but he knew he was alive.
After an indistinguishable amount of time, the space around him suddenly brightened, making his eyes water. Looking around slowly, he recognized objects that he knew should've made sense to him, yet he still couldn't really comprehend. How had he gotten here?
Before he could attempt to consider any further, he turned his head in the direction of an electronic whirring noise. It was followed quickly by a gasp.
He blinked at the figure at the other end of the boxed-in space. They were short and brown-haired.
"Shinji-kun?" he attempted, though it came out as a whisper.
Curiously, they only stood there, then, "R-Ritsuko-senpai!"
He continued to peer uncertainly at the figure as they were joined by another person, whom he didn't recognize at all.
The taller of them stood still for a moment, then came forward and looked down at him. His eyes focused. A female lilin…
She removed something from his face, and he immediately fell into a coughing fit. Once it had passed though, he realized how much deeper he could breathe.
After a moment's wait, she spoke. "Do you know your name?"
He stared at her, then replied dimly, "Which one?"
"The one you prefer."
He hesitated momentarily. "Nagisa Kaworu…" That's right… Kaworu.
The woman nodded. "Nagisa-kun… I'll need to perform a few tests. Will you be able to listen for a while?"
Kaworu nodded slowly.
It was a disorienting process, being told to move limbs individually, having to read letters aloud, and getting a bright light shone in his eyes. As the time passed though, Kaworu felt that he had returned to at least some of his senses. No doubt the removal of that mask had helped.
"I'm in a hospital, I assume? And you're a doctor?"
Ritsuko turned her head to him. "That's right. I'm Akagi Ritsuko. I've been taking care of you since you were injured."
So, then… things really hadn't gone as he'd planned.
"You remember the events that led to you coming here?"
He closed his eyes. It took him a moment to form the thought completely. "You're with Nerv, yes? I'm sure you know what happened better than I do."
"I'm asking you, Nagisa-kun."
Lightly, he smiled. Even though it was his usual resting face, his muscles felt unaccustomed to the expression. "I'm the 17th Angel. I was sent to merge with the being you call Lilith, but rather, when Ikari Shinji-kun pursued me, I asked him to kill me instead."
Ritsuko was writing something down, glasses perched on her nose. "That's right." She looked up at him. "You remember Shinji-kun, then?"
Kaworu looked back at her, almost amusedly. Of course he remembered Shinji. There was nothing in the world that could possibly make him forget that sweet, delicate lilin. He cared for him far too deeply.
Looking back down, Ritsuko smiled. "He'll be… exceptionally pleased to know that,"
The boy stared at her curiously. "Where is he?"
Ritsuko sighed, standing, and tucking her clipboard under her arm. "It's been a long time since you were last conscious; approximately five months. Shinji-kun isn't here, but if he knew you'd woken up, he would come as fast as he could."
Quietly, and more to himself than to her, Kaworu murmured, "Nerv personnel have cared for my body for nearly half a year…? The moment you recovered my body, you should've killed me; that's what was expected and yet…"
He trailed off, thinking. It was starting to give him a headache. It was all just so curious how he had managed to get here. But strangely, he wasn't too determined to get an answer right away. More pressing to him, he realized, was what Ritsuko had just mentioned aside from the length of his hospice.
"…Shinji-kun would come to me if he knew I'd woken up?"
She smiled again. "Of course. He's been visiting you for all these months you've been unconscious."
Something warm settled over Kaworu's chest. It was slightly giddy. "Has he really…?" he murmured.
"He's missed you more than anyone."
Kaworu sighed, his smile growing. "Won't you indulge me, then?"
Appearing mildly hesitant, Ritsuko considered him. "You're still not quite mentally there. Are you sure you'd like to see him now?"
Kaworu closed his eyes. Shinji had waited for him for five months. Surely, he wouldn't mind a little lack of energy if it meant seeing him awake.
"He deserves to see me as I am now. And I can't pretend I don't long for him too."
He smiled up at Ritsuko. "I want to thank him. For everything."
…
Shinji hummed shakily as he neared Kaworu's room. He was attempting to satiate his nerves, but it really wasn't working. He couldn't imagine what Ritsuko possibly could've meant when she'd said Kaworu had experienced a 'sudden change in condition' and that he was to come as soon as he could. Maybe it wouldn't have been so frightening if it wasn't the dead of night, but at the very least, he knew it hadn't meant he somehow died. Her phrasing almost gave him a heart attack before she quickly shot down the idea.
'It's a good change,' she had clarified.
But how good of a change could it have been?
When he made it into the observation room, Shinji immediately glanced towards the window for answers, but was thoroughly thrown off.
"Ah, Shinji-kun-"
"Akagi-san, why is there a curtain there…?"e
Ritsuko surprisingly continued smiling despite his interruption. "It's for privacy reasons. But you'll see what I mean in a moment. I won't make you wait any longer."
Shinji raised an eyebrow at her, but followed as she led him to the door. With a curt nod to him, she allowed him to pass through. His gaze immediately fell on Kaworu's bed.
It was as though everything inside him jumped up to his throat.
Kaworu was sitting up. He was looking back, eyes finally open.
"Shinji-kun…"
He stood there, wide-eyed and gaping for no more than a heartbeat.
"Kaworu-kun… Kaworu-kun!"
Shinji rushed forward, forgetting all else around him, and recklessly threw his arms around the other boy's body, burying his face in his shoulder. Continuously, he chanted Kaworu's name into his overlong hair as he clung to him tightly, as if he would disappear if he stopped acknowledging him.
"Careful, Shinji-kun, be gentle!" Ritsuko said in near alarm, "He's only been awake for a few hours."
But Shinji wasn't listening to her. Kaworu was warm and he was awake. He was awake! And now, his arms were tightening around Shinji's waist, and his head was resting on Shinji's shoulder too. Kaworu was holding him exactly how Shinji had dreamed so many times over the past months. But this time it was real. All real.
Tears flowed from his eyes thickly, and he was heaving, but he barely noticed. All that mattered was that he held onto Kaworu.
"Shinji-kun," Kaworu said softly. How many times had Shinji longed to hear that voice again?
Shinji pulled his head back just barely so that their foreheads nearly touched as he looked into Kaworu's face. The pale boy moved his hands to cup Shinji's cheeks. There was an infinite amount of warmth in those beautiful red eyes, and Shinji wished he could stare into them for hours and hours.
"I've missed you... I've missed you so, so much," Shinji whispered still tearfully.
He moved one hand from Kaworu's back just so he could feel his face. He traced a finger over his perfectly smooth cheek, brushing it against his nose, his eyelid, his gently smiling lips. Everything was soft. Everything was so beautiful and alive.
Kaworu allowed himself a sigh, leaning into Shinji's hand. "You've been so patient with me… I can't express how grateful I am…"
Shinji laughed, lip quivering. "I couldn't have just given up, I couldn't. I needed you… I've needed you all this time, Kaworu-kun." He gasped, then reburied his head into Kaworu's neck. "But please, don't leave me again…"
Kaworu lightly ran a hand against the back of Shinji's head. "I won't leave you. I'm right here, Shinji-kun."
Wrapping his arms around him even tighter, Shinji continued to cry. He wished he could be impossibly closer to Kaworu. He wished he could feel his heart beat the same tempo as his own. But at least he could share his warmth in a way he had never been able to before. Right now, Kaworu was everything.
"I love you, Shinji-kun…"
He gasped involuntarily, euphoric to hear the words for the second time in his life. But even still, he was almost frustrated that Kaworu had said it before him.
"I-I love you too… I love you, Kaworu-kun, I love you so much…" He wished he had counted how many times he'd said it to Kaworu during visits over the past five months. He would've made up for all of them just then.
But Kaworu seemed more than content. He sighed, closing his eyes, and turning his face nearer to Shinji so that his lips were pressed against his neck.
They kept themselves tightly wound around one another for what could've been half an hour. To Shinji though, he knew it'd never be enough time.
He whispered into Kaworu's skin, "There's so much I need to tell you…"
Soothingly, Kaworu continued to stroke his hair. "There's no need to be so hasty, it's alright, Shinji-kun...
"We have all the time in the world together."