"Was I really that bad?"

"Arizona, I'm sorry, but I don't know how to put this any nicer. You kind of lost your fucking mind."

The blonde groaned. She was nursing a black coffee in the waiting room of their small clinic, elbows propped against Teddy's receptionist desk, trying to gather her strength before they started seeing patients. The bags under her eyes were dark, eyelids still slightly swollen from drunk crying the night before. The lights were making her nauseous, and a raging headache had nestled its way behind her eyes the moment she woke up to her iPhone alarm screaming in her ear. She genuinely could not remember the last time she was so hungover. Maybe college.

"What…happened?"

She could remember bits and pieces, scattered memories that spurred when she saw the smeared ink of a phone number on her hand this morning. She remembered calling Callie, remembered losing it on her, though she couldn't remember exactly what words she had said. She remembered being hung up on. She remembered throwing up in the street, remembered crying a lot.

She watched as her two friends exchanged a look, silently deciding who would break the news of her poor behavior to her. April appeared to take one for the team. "We don't really know. We found you outside. You were throwing up and crying at the same time, which was kind of impressive."

"When we say crying, Arizona…" Teddy arched a brow, fighting a laugh. "I'm not going to lie to you, hyperventilating is almost a better word. When we asked what happened we couldn't even understand you. You kept repeating something over and over. Sounded like Can I pee? Can I pee? But you got mad when we tried to take you to the bathroom."

Arizona cringed. She had definitely been saying Calliope. She could have died from embarrassment.

"We got you water, got in a cab, and took you home. You owe me, blondie. I had to leave my dream man behind at the bar," April pouted playfully. "We had to pay the driver an extra 50 bucks 'cause you kept lighting cigarettes in the car. Also, I didn't know you smoke."

Arizona had her face in her hands, hiding it out of embarrassment. She spread two of her fingers to peek a blue eye at April. "Did you at least get your dream man's number?" She smiled at the coy grin and nod April gave her, then sighed. "I am seriously so sorry, you guys. I don't know what the hell happened. I usually handle my liquor well. And I'm usually a happy drunk!"

"It's fine, Arizona. Seriously, don't worry about it. Breakups are hard," Teddy offered sympathetically.

"Right," Arizona replied slowly. She wished so badly she could tell her coworkers the truth about Callie and seek out their comfort and advice. But the friendship was still relatively new, and she really didn't want to risk her medical license by being reported for screwing her own patient. "That will never happen again though. I promise." She meant it. The control freak had lost control and she hated what the ramifications felt like.

She couldn't believe she had confronted Callie that way. She didn't regret it, not really, because she knew it was probably all shit that had been building up for months, all the feelings she had been keeping to herself for Callie's sake. But she did regret how she did it, drunk and over the phone. She could admit she should've handled that part better.

Callie hanging up on her after she had poured her heart out like that had done considerable damage to the remaining hope she had left for them.

As fiercely as she loved her, she was starting to realize how terrible this whole thing actually was for her, the toll it had taken on her mentally and physically. It felt like the old wounds Callie had left the first time she discarded her were being pressed constantly, triggering a level of insecurity that was not natural to Arizona or her disposition. She had spent so many nights laying awake, wondering why she wasn't enough for her, considering how she could change herself to make Callie love her back. She was so tired from the lack of sleep, and she had lost a little weight in the last few weeks from stress.

When they were together it felt like she was high, every part of her body felt so alive and right. No other joy she had ever felt even came close to comparing. But the inevitable crash always took her back to a devastating low. It was like a bad drug.

This was why she had avoided serious relationships and deep feelings. She couldn't handle the roller coaster of it all. She liked steady, easy, predictable. And this…thing, whatever it was, with Callie was anything but.

She couldn't let Callie tear her apart again. Not when she had spent so long rebuilding herself. She had to protect herself.

She knew what she had to do. Even if it was the hardest decision she had ever made.

She felt her phone vibrate as she was looking over her daily charts, and her heart fluttered instinctively at the name and picture that popped up as an incoming call.

Calliope, with a selfie the two of them had taken a few weeks ago in the diner. Snuggled into a booth together, Arizona grinning wide and cheesy at the camera as Callie kissed the side of her head. It was such a sweet picture, so intimate, so them.

She stared at it for a few seconds and smiled a little to herself, sad and solemn and wistful. And then she declined the call.

Arizona was stubborn. She always had been. Callie knew this about her, and under all other pretenses, she usually loved it about her too.

She did not love it about her right now.

Actually, it was kind of pissing her off.

It had been 5 days since Arizona had drunk dialed her. It was late, and she had been in bed reading a book of baby names, Luke sleeping next to her, taking up most of the bed as usual. She had snuck outside to answer the call, cold in her nightgown, shivering as she listened to Arizona lay into her with slurred words.

Her teeth chattered as Arizona got all of her feelings out. Just as she was about to shut her up, reassure her with word vomit of her own, she heard the subtle, familiar click of the sliding glass door into their backyard.

Luke. He had awoken. He was looking for her.

So she hung up and wheeled around to look into those soulless eyes. She had made up some lie on the spot, about it being Addison asking for her to cover her shift the next morning. I'm sorry, honey, I didn't want to wake you. She was getting really good at lying.

It had been 5 days and Arizona hadn't returned a single call or text or voicemail. They had started calm and even a little playful. You didn't actually die of alcohol poisoning, right? Then escalated after a while. Arizona, please just talk to me.

She was starting to feel like some obsessed, deranged weirdo stalker.

It was Sunday morning, and Callie sat alone at the diner, praying that Arizona would surprise her by showing up. By 9 AM she accepted that the blonde wasn't coming.

She started to gather her things, jaw set in determination.

Fine, then. She would go to her.

Arizona hadn't left her apartment all weekend. She had holed herself up, opting to watch sad movies and eat donuts in bed by herself rather than face the real world. She was grieving. Processing. This was how she processed.

She was on her second rewatch of Beaches when a knock on her door startled her. She forced herself out of bed, oversized gray Yale School of Medicine sweatshirt falling off her shoulder. Her blonde hair was messy, and she was still wearing her striped sleep shorts even though it was well past 9. Very much unlike her.

Her stomach lurched when she opened the door to find Callie staring back at her, an intense look on her face that she couldn't quite read.

"Oh, so you are alive. Wonderful news." She snapped, then pushed past Arizona and into the luxury apartment behind her.

Arizona blinked, still standing by the door. She could feel her heart start to pound against her ribcage. "I didn't invite you in." Her voice came out colder than she had meant for it to, and she watched the way it made Callie scoff.

"You think I care? I did not take a bus all the way here for you to ignore me. Like you have been all week, by the way."

Oh. Callie was angry with her. Lovely.

"Frankly, Callie, I don't know what you care about. And I'm not apologizing. So," she gestured to the still-open door, signaling her to get out.

"Just shut the stupid door, Arizona. I'm not leaving until we talk. We're talking."

Arizona chewed on her cheek, finally resigning herself to the fact that Callie wouldn't be leaving anytime soon. She reluctantly shut her door, then turned to face the other woman, crossing her arms over her chest protectively. "Fine. Talk."

"I get that you're pissed, okay? But punishing me with silence is just about the least productive thing to do here."

"I wasn't punishing you—"

"If you had just fucking listened to me instead of acting like a brat, I could have told you why I hung up. Luke came outside, so I had to—"

"I don't care why, Callie. I really don't. It doesn't change anything."

Callie's brows furrowed, the argument dying midway in her throat. She wasn't sure what to say to that.

"And for what it's worth, I was not punishing you. Honestly I'm a little offended you think I'm that mean. I just needed time to… think. To breathe. I planned to come see you soon."

She watched as Arizona ruffled her messy hair and crossed the room, pulling a small wrapped gift out of a drawer. "Here. I want you to have this." She handed it over. An olive branch, and they both knew it.

Callie eyed the small gift in her hands, perfectly wrapped in typical Arizona-fashion. She unwrapped it with care, revealing an old, tattered copy of the book Matilda. The spine was broken, pages were dog-eared, and a young Arizona's childlike handwriting littered the margins with her annotations, pink glitter gel pen still shiny.

"We were 7 the first time we met. I'll never forget it. We were on swings. You had a ribbon in your hair and I told you it reminded me of Matilda. And you had no idea what I was talking about," Arizona laughed a little, a throaty, sad noise. Her voice was shaking. "And it horrified me, because how could you not know Matilda? It was my favorite book. So I spent the rest of recess telling you the whole story."

"I remember. You used sidewalk chalk to draw out pictures." Callie attempted a smile, a little confused at where this was going.

"Yeah. It was game over from there, Callie. My life was never the same." Her throat hurt. Every word she said was a chore. "You were my best friend. For years, for so long, way before we ever even kissed the first time." Her blue eyes shut as if she were contemplating her next words, then she reopened them. "And I hope that one day you can read your child this book and tell them about the friend you made on that playground. I hope you tell them my name. And I hope you can think of me fondly sometimes."

Realization was starting to hit Callie. No. No.

"I have—" her voice cracked, "so much respect for you, Callie. I adore you. I have for my entire life. I probably will for the rest of my life. But I can't do this," she gestured vaguely between them, "anymore. It's actually killing me."

"Arizona, no," Callie said sharply, desperately. She couldn't let this happen. She seriously couldn't. Arizona was the best thing in her life. She didn't know how to be without her now that she remembered what it felt like.

But Arizona just shook her head. She looked so sad. "I love you. I am in love with you, Calliope." It was the first time she had spoken those words aloud since they were 18. "I think you might be the love of my life. But I have to let go of you." Arizona was crying now, despite how hard she was trying to hold back. "So that's what I'm doing. I hope you have such a beautiful life. Please know that I will always be rooting for you."

"We are not fucking doing this," Callie shook her head, panic rising in her throat. "We are not."

"We have to." Arizona's voice was small. "I have to. This is seriously not healthy for me. It's making me insane and insecure and, honestly, just sick in the head. It's not good for me."

Callie crossed the room to touch her, face crumpling when Arizona stepped back, mind clearly made up. Stubborn. "I love you. I love you so much, Arizona. I can't lose you again. Please."

Arizona's heart swelled at the confession but she tried to push it back. She couldn't tell if she believed it or not. She choked back a sob. "We can… we can try to be friends, maybe."

An incredulous laugh fell out of Callie's mouth. Yeah, right. "I'm leaving him. I'm leaving him, Arizona, I am. I'm working on it. Soon, hopefully. I don't want him. I only want you."

Arizona smiled sadly. Like she didn't really believe her. "Well, if and when that day comes, I'll be here waiting. Okay? But until then… friends. And that's it. I'm sorry."

Callie nodded dumbly. She would agree to anything right now, anything to keep Arizona in her life in some capacity. "I love you," she repeated.

Their eyes locked, both pairs red and shiny with tears. "I love you too."

"Can I hug you?"

Arizona hesitated before nodding. The women wrapped their arms around each other in a tight embrace, crying quietly into the other's shoulders, hearts hammering against each other.

"I'm so sorry. I love you." Callie whispered against blonde hair, and Arizona squeezed her eyes shut.

"Me too. Me too."

They stood like that for a long time, neither wanting to pull away first. Until Callie's hands started wandering, sliding up Arizona's sweatshirt to meet bare skin.

"Callie," she hissed between clenched teeth. A warning.

But her hands kept moving, caressing the warm, soft skin of her sides, drinking her in.

"Callie. Friends."

"I know, just—Please." Callie begged, voice quiet and raspy and earnest. "Please, just one last time. I need to show you how much I love you."

Arizona's eyes fluttered closed, some of her resolve crumbling at the sweet tone of voice, at the thumbs brushing against the underside of her breasts. Her breath hitched, back arching involuntarily, body betraying mind. "One last time," she agreed.

Callie had her chin in her hands and tilted up within seconds, pressing into her in a devoted, gut-wrenching kiss, one that felt like it was going to tear her apart at the very seams. She could taste the salt of tears on their lips.

There was a huge possibility that this would be the last time they were intimate. Ever. And that was not lost on Arizona. She took special care to memorize the way Callie's mouth felt on hers, the soft curves of her body, the strong hands that were currently tangled up in her hair. The way she smelled, like cinnamon and vanilla and amber, spicy and sweet and addictive.

She would miss it so much. The full realization felt like a kick to her gut.

She parted her pink lips, inviting Callie's tongue into her warm and wet mouth, and whined when she felt the strong muscle invade her and swirl deftly with her own. She walked the pair backwards towards her bedroom, her small fingers squeezing Callie's womanly hips until they were tumbling onto her bed, kiss never breaking once.

The innate desire that burned deep within her core would make it so easy to tear off Callie's clothes, to ravish her body, make her scream her name the way she had done countless times over the past few months. But she was taking extra care not to rush. This time felt different, so much deeper than sex, so much more loaded and complicated.

She straddled Callie's hips as they made out, sucking her lower lip into her mouth and sucking sharply, hungrily until it was a bit swollen. Her blonde hair fell like a curtain around them, shielding them from the rest of the world until Callie fisted it out of the way with one hand, the other digging into her hip.

Before she could process, she felt her body being flipped, and she slammed down on her back on the mattress as a cute squeak of surprise escaped her throat. She fluttered her blue eyes up at the brunette, melting at the look waiting there in her eyes.

"Arizona—"

"Callie. Don't." Arizona begged weakly. This was already hard enough without any talking.

"No. Listen to me." Callie held her chin firmly in place to ensure she couldn't break eye contact. The intensity of it almost caused her physical pain. "I love you. I know you don't believe me, but I do. And even if we leave here today as friends," she said the word like it was the most ridiculous thing in the world, "I'm still going to love you. It's not going to change. Do you understand me?"

Arizona swallowed. Unable to speak, she just nodded her head, brows furrowed slightly, willing herself to believe it. She let her eyes close when Callie kissed her again, feeling her long fingers hook into the waistband of her sleep shorts and panties and pull them down simultaneously. The rush of cold air made her shiver. Her sweatshirt was next to be peeled off, leaving her completely naked and vulnerable beneath the woman she loved.

She blushed at the way Callie studied her, drinking in every inch of her lithe body, the swell of her breasts, the smooth skin of her thighs, her nipples, pink and puckered with desire. She would miss the way Callie looked at her, like she was the most beautiful person in the world. She tugged weakly on Callie's clothes, wanting them off too, and was grateful when she complied without a fight.

She reached out to touch but was halted by a firm hand wrapping around her wrist, pushing it back down. "Not now, baby. Not yet. This part is all about you."

And then Callie's mouth was on her neck, licking across her collarbone, sucking on her pulse point, and Arizona was moaning and writhing a little underneath her. Right as that mouth wrapped around a pert nipple, Callie was sliding a hand between Arizona's thighs to touch her. A sharp gasp of a curse word flew out of the blonde's mouth and her back arched a little, one hand entangling in the hair at the back of Callie's head.

Callie took her time with her, worshiping her breasts before kissing down her torso, tongue dipping into her navel, teeth sliding across her hip bone, her fingers drawing lazy circles on her clit the entire time. She started pressing wet kisses to her inner thighs and, without warning, bit down and sucked hard, leaving a mark, claiming her. Mine, those brown eyes seemed to say as they looked up at her through thick lashes. Arizona moaned loudly, hating herself a little bit for how much she liked that.

She was getting whiny, hips bucking towards Callie's mouth. She was so sensitive, so wet, she wasn't sure she could take another minute of the teasing, the primal anticipation. "I need—I need you inside of me."

Callie appeared to take pity on her and replaced her fingers with her warm, wet tongue, and Arizona almost jumped out of her skin, every muscle in her body tightening. She let her legs fall open wider to give Callie better access, a guttural noise escaping her when she felt two strong fingers slide into her, fucking her just the way she liked.

Maybe fucking wasn't the right word. The raw emotion coursing through her made it feel different, more intimate and passionate than anything she had ever felt. The love and hurt and grief between them was palpable, almost overwhelming in a way. She could feel it in every thrust of fingers inside of her.

She could hear her heartbeat in her ears as she came, fast and hard, calling out Callie's name for what she was pretty sure would be the last time, fists gripping the blankets beneath her. Her legs were still shaking when Callie pulled out her fingers. She pressed a final, lingering kiss to her clit before returning to Arizona's level.

The two women stared at each other in silence as Arizona's chest heaved, and Callie stroked her flushed cheek lovingly as the blonde worked to catch her breath. Their eyes said so much. Their mouths said nothing. There was no need.

Wordlessly, after deciding she had enough strength, Arizona pushed softly on Callie's shoulders until she was laying back. She mounted her in one graceful, fluid motion and scissored their legs, slippery cores meeting in a way that made Callie curse softly in Spanish.

Arizona used one hand to steady herself with the headboard, the other holding the side of Callie's face, resting their foreheads together. It was an intimate position, face to face, clit to clit.

Callie held her waist as she began to roll her hips forward, the pair easily finding a common rhythm, wanton moans from both women filling the air. Arizona let her head fall back, long blonde hair scraping the dimples of her lower back, until a firm hand on her jaw pulled her head forward again. Callie wanted eye contact. Wanted Arizona to see the passion there.

The brunette groaned at the friction against her swollen clit. Her breath was shaky as her thighs started trembling. Fuck, she had never felt this good. Or this terrible. Never felt this much. "I'm gonna come, baby."

"Say it," Arizona managed to choke out, lips barely hovering over Callie's as they held eye contact. She had tears in her eyes.

"I love you. I love you so much."

Nails dug into Callie's shoulder as the blonde parroted, "I love you so much."

They came together then, bodies vibrating at the intensity of it, both crying out noises out of their control.

Arizona collapsed on top of Callie, exhausted. She was shaking. She was pretty sure she was crying, too. She lay there for a while, arms wrapped tightly around the tan woman below her, as they recovered. She felt a kiss being pressed to her hair, felt the gentle heave of the chest below her. She was pretty sure Callie was crying, too.

Neither wanted to move. Moving would make it officially over. Moving would make it real.

Arizona reluctantly rolled off of her, staring straight up at the ceiling, cheeks pink and marred with shiny tear tracks, lips swollen. She sat up and reached for her sweatshirt to cover herself up, keeping her eyes off of Callie as the brunette dressed in silence.

They didn't talk as they put themselves back together, didn't talk as Arizona walked Callie to the door.

Just as Arizona was about to open the door, she turned to look at Callie and broke the silence. She held out her hand. "Friends?" Her voice was so small and her eyes were so sad.

"Friends." And they shook on it.

A/N: thank you so much for reading. Pretty please leave me a review :)

I've gotten some feedback about wanting less drama. For the sake of honesty, I planned out this entire storyline before I started writing it, and there is quite a bit of drama still coming. I'm sorry. It's kind of just the nature of this particular story, and I think it would be an injustice to the foundation of the story to rework it too much. I do try to pepper fluff and wholesome moments between all the angst. Without giving too much away, I promise y'all that they don't stay miserable forever lol

I'm on break from my doctorate program rn which is why I've been updating so frequently—I'm inspired and bored lol. When I go back in a few weeks, updates will probably be slower.

I really do hope you guys are enjoying this—can't tell you enough how much it means to me to have engaged readers. Let me know what you think of this chapter. And as always have an amazing day! :)