tw: death, loss of a child
People often think that death is the worst thing to happen to someone, but it's not. At least in death, we finally know peace.
"Kate, why don't we go for a little walk? Grab a coffee and some fresh air," Lanie suggests. She's watched her friend rot in the chair next to the hospital bed for nearly a week straight, barely eating, barely sleeping, surrounded by darkness.
"If she wakes up, I want to be here," Kate shrugs her off.
"She's still pretty heavily sedated, hon. Let's just take a quick break to get you some sunlight," Lanie says, holding out her hand, hoping that Kate will grab it. The disheveled woman sighs, but eventually reaches out and Lanie helps her to her feet.
"Let me just text Rick quick," Kate says. "So he can be here for her." She sends her husband a message, knowing that he is just down the hall, but not wanting to take the 10 second detour in his direction.
"When was the last time you've been home?" Lanie asks as they step into the elevator.
"Couldn't even tell you," Kate almost chuckles. "I don't even know what day it is."
Lanie told herself she would remain strong and supportive, but even the thought of what her best friend is going through is enough to make her tear up. She sniffs and holds back the tears she feels building. Not in front of Kate, she thinks, that's not fair.
"It's October 7th," she says to Kate.
"Well, then I guess I've been here for 15 days."
15 days. 360 hours of sitting, sleeping in a clunky armchair, eating vending machine meals, watching your child slip in and out of consciousness. 15 days. And no idea of how many more to go.
It's obvious to Lanie that Kate and Rick can barely stand to be in the same room, driven apart by their unfathomable reality. Yet, the little messages, their constant presence, it's enough to know that even when the unthinkable happens, they'll come out the other side, no matter how difficult that mountain is to climb. She arrives with her friend at the coffee shop across the street and orders for herself and pays for Kate's latte, too.
"Let's sit outside," she suggests, knowing that Kate is in desperate need of some vitamin D. As they sit in their chairs and look at each other from across the table, Lanie finds herself in unfamiliar territory. She has absolutely no idea what to say. Usually she was so good at finding the right words, knowing what Kate needed to hear. But this was unfamiliar territory. How could anyone know what to say to their friend who is losing a child? So, she just sat there, listened on the few occasions Kate had something to say. Eventually, Kate's phone rings and Lanie releases a breath she didn't even realize she was holding.
"Sorry, Lane, I have to take this," Kate says as she picks up her phone. Lanie smiles and nods, respectfully trying not to overhear too much of the conversation even though Kate stayed at the table.
"Uh huh, of course. Yes. I understand. Thank you for the call," Kate says before ending the call. She sighs loudly as she sets her phone on the table.
"Okay?" Lanie wonders.
"Hmm, yeah," Kate sighs. "I've been...researching a few clinical trials that have been going on, calling to see if any of them would accept Ruby as a patient."
"Oh," Lanie replies. "Is that the direction you three decided to go?"
"Not exactly," Kate says. "But I can't just do nothing."
"I can understand that," Lanie says sympathetically. "What have you found so far?"
"Not much, honestly," Kate frowns. "Ruby is simultaneously too sick and not sick enough, if you can believe that."
"Clinical trials are wild like that," Lanie responds. "So, Rick doesn't know about this?"
"No," Kate admits with a guilty tinge. "It's been really hard on both of us. We just...can't talk about anything without wanting to rip each other's throats out."
"That's really common, you know?" Lanie says. "This situation, does this to parents."
"I know," Kate nods. "But I also know we can't keep taking things out on each other."
"Well, why don't you two go home tonight? Have dinner together? Spend the night away from the hospital. I'll stay with Ruby," Lanie offers.
"I really...what if something happens?" Kate ponders.
"You're just a phone call away," Lanie reminds her. "And you need to come up for air, Kate."
"Okay, um, yeah, I'll talk to Rick when we go back," Kate smiles. She hated admitting it, but being in the hospital 24/7 did feel like drowning.
"So, did you have any thoughts for dinner?" Rick asks as he unlocks the front door of the loft. "Since we haven't been home, I know we don't have many fresh options, but take out is getting a little old."
"Pasta?" Kate suggests. "I'm sure we have noodles and sauce in the pantry."
Rick smiles and nods. They grab their ingredients, fill a pot with water, and wait for it to boil. As they wait, Rick slides behind his wife and gently wraps his arms around her, pulling her in for an encapsulating hug.
"I missed you," he whispers as he plants a kiss on the side of her face.
Kate closes her eyes and sinks her body into his. "Missed you, too," she sighs. "I'm sorry, for how...cold I've been."
"Can't say I haven't been treating you the same way," Rick shrugs. "We just have to find different outlets for our..."
"Anger?" Kate says once he trails off.
"I was going to say sadness," Rick says. "But yeah, they're both one and the same in this case. Maybe we shouldn't keep spending every night at the hospital, either."
"I know, but I can't stand the thought of her being alone," Kate frowns.
"Kate, she...she's asleep, most of the time," Rick points out. "Doesn't mean we can't be there everyday, but maybe just, not all day, everyday."
"That...that's fair. Even that one hour coffee break with Lanie today," Kate sighs. "Didn't even realize how much I was missing the sun."
Rick laughs. Yeah, he knew the feeling. Except, being close to her was like his sunlight. And he was finally feeling whole again as they embraced. Then Kate's phone rings, and the moment fades.
"Sorry, babe," she says, as she breaks free from his arms and grabs her phone. Her heart falls to her stomach as she reads the number on the screen. It was a 513 area code. Cincinnati, Ohio.
"Hello?" Kate answers the call. Rick tends to the pasta noodles, stirs the sauce, and adds a few frozen meatballs to cook. He tries to stay just busy enough so that he wasn't tempted to snoop on Kate's conversation. Still, whoever she was talking to, he could tell, she wasn't happy to hear what the other person on the line had to say.
"Yes, I understand. Thank you for calling me back. Bye." As soon as she hangs up, Rick can't stay out of it any longer, because Kate just starts sobbing.
"Hey, hey, honey, what's wrong? Who was that?" He asks, engulfing her in a hug again.
"Um, hold on one second," she says between breaths. She grabs her laptop and quickly signs in, pulls up a spreadsheet and starts typing. "Fuck," she whispers under her breath.
"Kate, what is it? What's happening?"
"I, um, I just have to...I have to make some more calls, I just..." Kate answers frantically.
"Kate," Rick says, softly shutting Kate's laptop. "What is going on?"
But Kate wasn't listening anymore. She reopens her laptop, and grabs a notebook out of her bag, flipping to a page covered in notes. "I just...need to find one," she whispers under her breath. "Mayo, maybe? UCLA, no. Cleveland? University of Washington, fuck."
Rick had seen Kate obsessive and on a mission before, but this was teetering on madness.
"KATE!" He finally yells, which jolts her to attention. She looks up at him with wide, sad eyes. "What is going on?"
"I had to do something," she says. "I couldn't just sit there doing nothing."
"What...what did you do?"
"I've been researching, I'm trying to get Ruby into a medical trial," she finally admits.
"Kate," Rick sighs, extremely relieved but extremely heartbroken at the same time. He pulls out a chair and sits down next to her at the dining room table. He slowly closes the laptop and reaches for Kate's hands.
"That was Doctor Fredrick from the children's hospital in Cincinnati," she explains. "Ruby's cancer is too advanced to qualify for his trial. Everywhere I have called so far, she's somehow too sick, or not sick enough. But I have a few more, a few more places I can call."
"Kate," Rick interjects. Their silence made it obvious that the pasta on the stove was seconds from boiling over, so after turning off the stove top, he returns to the dining table and pulls his wife to her feet. "Kate," he says again. "Ruby is dying."
As much as they both knew that to be true, hearing it out loud, especially from Rick, felt like getting hit with a brick. All they can bear to do is stare at each other. Then, Kate's breath hitches and she collapses into a sobbing mess on the floor. Watching Kate lose it finally felt like the permission Rick didn't know he needed to do the same.
"I just," Kate sniffs. "I'm her mom, and I promised to take care of her, and I couldn't do that."
"No," Rick says, steadfast. "No, there's no one to blame here. Nothing we can do about it."
"I can't...I can't accept that," Kate sighs. "I can't..."
"I know," Rick huffs. "But that, that's where we're at."
"Yeah," Kate sighs as she types her cheek. "Can we just...let's just eat dinner, I guess."
"Okay," Rick smiles. "I'll get things heated back up."
"And I'll get the drinks," Kate nods.
"Are you thinking white or red?" Rick asks.
"Whiskey," Kate replies. Rick managed a chuckle, but somberly took the glass to his lips when his wife handed it to him. There'd be plenty more where that came from.
"Hey," Ruby says with a tired smile on her face.
"Hey, kiddo," Rick cheers as he and Kate enter the hospital room after finally getting a night of rest at home.
"We brought some breakfast, if you're hungry," Kate says, holding up a to go bag from the bagel shop down the street.
"Bacon, egg, and cheese?" Ruby asks.
"Of course," Kate smiles. She pulls out the wrapped sandwich and pulls the table over to Ruby's bed so she can sit up and eat her all-time favorite breakfast food.
"Oh, yup," Ruby smiles as she takes her first bite. "I love you guys."
Rick and Kate chuckle. "We love you, too, Rubes," Kate says, biting into her own bagel sandwich. "And we love bacon, egg, and cheese."
"How'd you sleep?" Rick asks as he pulls a chair up to the bed.
"A lot," Ruby chuckles.
After they finish eating breakfast, they wait to see if Ruby will be able to keep hers down. These days, it was more often than not that she couldn't. But today, she seemed to be doing okay. She had a bit more color to her, her eyes were brighter.
"Do you guys think we could go for a walk today?" Ruby asks. "I want to feel the sunshine."
"Well, we'll have to ask-" Rick says.
"Yes, we can definitely go for a walk," Kate interrupts. The couple share a look and then Rick smiles. He knew that was a sign that Kate was moving toward acceptance. At this point, whatever Ruby wanted, they'd make it happen.
After a bit of convincing, a nurse agreed to bring in a wheelchair for Ruby, and the Castles went for a short stroll to the park a few blocks from the hospital. The weather was always so unpredictable this time of year, but it was a particularly mild, sunny October day, and a perfect day for a walk.
"Can I get up and stretch my legs a little?" Ruby asks while Rick pushes her down the walking path. "I'll just walk to that bench." She points to a wood bench about 100 feet in front of them.
Rick stops and looks at Kate nervously, but helps Ruby to her feet as Kate takes her hand. He hovers behind her in case she loses her footing, but she confidently, though slowly, navigates to the bench. As she sits, she closes her eyes and bends her face up to the sun, feeling the rays on her pale skin.
"It's beautiful," she says, resting her head on Kate's shoulder.
"Sure is, Rubes," Kate agrees, grabbing her daughter's ice cold hand.
They sit quietly for a while, enjoying the calm breeze that is starting to blow orange and yellow leaves from their branches. Then, Ruby sighs. "This sucks."
"Yep," Rick and Kate say, practically in unison.
"I'm sorry you guys have to go through this," she says.
"Are you joking?" Kate replies. "Ruby, you're thirteen years old and dying from cancer. We are beyond sorry that you have to go through this."
Ruby shrugs. "I used to think that dying was the worst thing that could happen to someone," she says. "But, now I know that there are things that are much worse."
"I'm sorry you know that, kiddo," Rick huffs.
"Are you guys going to be okay...after?" Ruby asks. This girl was so good at being heartbreakingly sweet.
"No," Kate tells her. The honesty made them all laugh a little bit. Soon, Ruby's breathing turned to wheezing, and it was time to get back to the hospital. She sits back in the wheelchair and looks up at Rick.
"Slow, please?"
Rick nods and they take the long way home.
Ruby passed away three days later. The day in the park turned out to be the girl's last surge before succumbing to the disease that had turned her life upside down for most of her thirteen years on earth. Still, in that time, she managed to touch the lives of so many, from hospital staff, to the other pediatric patients, to her friends and family. And although the days following Ruby's death felt pretty directionless, there was one thing that Rick and Kate knew to be true: they would not let the seeds Ruby had planted die with her. But, they were also exhausted and heartbroken, and life had never seemed more cruel than it did the day they walked into the loft with their daughter's ashes in an urn. When she walks into the living room, Kate sighs, not having a single clue where the best place to display? an urn was. She looks up at an empty space on the mantle and delicately sets it there before turning to Rick. "I'm tired," she says. "I'm going to lay down."
And that's how life after Ruby starts.
a/n: i never meant for it to be so long between updates, but writing this chapter was a lot more difficult than i anticipated. there's one more epilogue chapter to wrap this story up that i hope you'll stick around for. i greatly appreciate all of your comments and encouragement of these last several months!