Johnny awoke with a start, momentarily disoriented in the darkness. It was either very late or very early, and Johnny wasn't sure which.
He felt someone shift and murmur something, and finally everything came together. Joanne was curled up next to him, her head against his shoulder, her arm across his torso.
His arm was going somewhat numb, but he was reluctant to disturb Joanne when she was obviously sleeping so peacefully. Besides, it had been a good long time since he'd shared a bed with anyone. This felt, well, comfortable, mostly. Except for his numb arm.
Finally, his desire for feeling in his arm won out, and he slowly eased his arm out from around Joanne. She stirred a little but didn't wake up. After a moment of self-debate, he decided to risk waking her up with the bedside light rather than by stumbling blindly around the bedroom.
Johnny turned on the light and found his t-shirt, pulling it on before going in search of his cigarette pack and lighter. Just a quick smoke, then he'd crash out on the couch for a while until the kids got up. It seemed as good a plan as any.
"Johnny?" Joanne's sleepy voice stopped him. "What's going on?"
"Nothing, nothing." He assured her. "Just gonna have a smoke, that's all. I'll be back."
Joanne murmured something unintelligible but seemed to go back to sleep. By the time Johnny crossed back to turn out the light, Joanne was already turned over to her side, her back to him.
He was sorely tempted to stay with her, but he knew just as well as she did that if the kids found him there, they would have a million questions, and Johnny didn't have it in him to try to answer them.
Instead, he turned off the bedside lamp and quietly made his way out of the bedroom and out to the patio. It was quiet out here, too early even for the birds. Johnny shook a cigarette out of his pack and lit it, taking a long drag and holding it for a moment before exhaling.
He probably should have put Joanne off, turned her away. But Christ, he found it hard to say no to much of anything she wanted. He'd do damn near anything for her.
It was hard for him to say he regretted it, because he didn't. He only regretted the potential fallout. The possibility of the kids catching on, the possibility that it could cause problems with Joanne's family, hell, Roy's family, even.
And then there was the rest of it. He wasn't cut out to be a family man. And yet, all the time he had spent with Joanne and the kids since Roy's death had him at least considering the possibility.
He could change, couldn't he? Hell, it wasn't as if he was putting a lot of effort into trying to meet anyone else. And the better part of a year had passed since Roy's death, so it wasn't as if he and Joanne would be rushing into anything.
No, they had done that ages ago, from the first time he had dared to touch her, to hold her, to kiss her. And no matter how much they pulled back and decided to be friends, nothing more, they seemed to be drawn to each other.
Johnny took another long drag, held it, exhaled. What would happen if he and Joanne tried to actually date each other?
No, that was impossible. It would never work. He'd find a way to screw that up, just like he had screwed up with every woman he'd dated. And that would really wreck things between them. As if this family hadn't been through enough.
Joanne deserved a hell of a lot better than some pothead fireman who couldn't keep his partner safe from harm.
Johnny huffed irritably and finished his cigarette before putting it out in the ashtray and sliding open the patio door. He'd at least try to lay down for a while before the kids got up. Failing that, he supposed, he could always put on a pot of coffee.
He entered the house and quietly closed the patio door, making his way through the house, stopping when he saw Chris sitting cross-legged on the couch, staring at the tree.
"Hey, buddy." Johnny spoke softly. "It's awfully early. Don't you wanna go back to bed?"
"Couldn't sleep." Chris replied quietly, his eyes never leaving the tree.
"I get that." Johnny told him, taking a seat on the couch next to him. "Tree turned out nice, huh?"
"Uh-huh." Chris nodded, his expression unreadable.
Johnny followed Chris's line of sight, landing on Roy's ornament. He once again felt that odd guilty feeling stab at him, that odd sense of disloyalty.
Christ, what was he doing?
Finally, Johnny shoved the feeling aside, taking a deep breath and exhaling. "I miss him, too."
Chris blinked hard, his mouth becoming a hard line, and Johnny gently rubbed between his shoulder blades. "You know, I wasn't much older than you when my dad died." He told him.
Chris turned toward him with a puzzled look. "Really?"
"Really." Johnny answered. "And it was hard. It was just me and my mom for a while."
"What happened to your mom?"
Johnny hadn't been prepared for that. "Um, well, she died, too. Not that long after my dad. Went to live with my aunt after that."
"Is that why you're always here?" Chris asked.
"Suppose so." Johnny replied. "See, your dad and I got to be really good friends once we started working together. I think he felt a little sorry for me, to be honest. Anyway, one time your dad invited me over here after shift, and that was that. Your mom and dad kinda made me part of the family."
Chris smiled slightly. "They adopted you."
"I guess they did."
Chris leaned into Johnny, and Johnny slipped his arm around his shoulder. "I can't replace your dad. Wouldn't want to try."
After a long pause, Chris finally replied. "You're a pretty good uncle."
"Oh, you're gonna keep me, huh?" Johnny teased him.
Chris let out a short giggle. "Yeah."
"Good." Johnny told him. "I'm gonna make some coffee. Want some?"
Chris laughed again. "No. Mom says I can't have coffee. It'll stunt my growth."
Johnny scoffed. "Moms. How about some hot chocolate?"
"Okay."
Johnny unfolded himself to head toward the kitchen, Chris not far behind. He started the coffee maker before finding everything he needed to start the hot chocolate. It wasn't long before he heard another set of footsteps pad into the kitchen.
"Uncle Johnny, what're you doing?" Jenny asked sleepily.
"Making hot chocolate." Johnny answered. "You want some?"
"Uh-huh." Jenny replied. "With marshmallows."
"Oh, boy." Johnny responded. "I'll have to see if your mom has any."
Jenny sighed and dragged a chair over to one of the cabinets. "She keeps them way up here."
Johnny managed to suppress a laugh. Obviously, Joanne meant to keep them out of reach, but Jenny was far more resourceful than Joanne had given her credit for. "Well, maybe we won't tell your mom that you can get to them."
Jenny beamed as she found the bag of marshmallows, pulling them down and knocking over other items in the cabinet in the process. Her eyes went wide as she looked over at Johnny. "Uh-oh."
"Don't sweat it." Johnny assured her, taking the bag of marshmallows from Jenny. "We'll clean it up in a minute."
"What's going on out here?" Joanne's voice was suddenly right behind him.
"Uncle Johnny's making hot chocolate." Jenny announced.
"And, uh, a bit of a mess." Johnny added.
"I see that." Joanne sighed, crossing over to the cabinet to tidy up the items Jenny had knocked over. "So much for keeping those things out of her reach."
"I'm sorry, Mom." Jenny hugged Joanne tightly around her waist. "Merry Christmas. It is Christmas now, right?"
Joanne placed a hand between Jenny's shoulders. "Yes, I suppose it is. And Merry Christmas to you, too."
Jenny immediately pulled away, racing to the living room, the hot chocolate forgotten. "Chris, come on!"
"Not yet!" Joanne called back. "Wait for the rest of us!"
Both kids had bolted from the room before Joanne could finish, and she shook her head. "I suppose that's still normal, anyway."
"Can't blame them." Johnny told her as he shut off the stove and put the kitchen chair back.
"No, I suppose not." Joanne replied as she found a pair of mugs and set them on the counter near Johnny. Johnny filled both mugs with hot chocolate while Joanne topped them with marshmallows.
"How about you?" Johnny asked. "Coffee or hot chocolate?"
Joanne tilted her head with a thoughtful expression. "Coffee would be a good start."
"You got it."
Joanne found another pair of mugs, and Johnny filled them both before setting aside the coffee pot. Before he could say anything, Joanne picked up the kids' mugs and started toward the living room. Johnny picked up their coffee mugs and followed.
"I think you two forgot something." Joanne told them. "And of course, I put extra marshmallows in yours, Jenny."
"Thanks, Mom." Jenny's eyes lit up as Joanne handed her the mug.
"Can we open presents now?" Chris asked, taking his mug from Joanne.
"Yes, of course." Joanne replied. "Who wants to play Santa?"
"Uncle Johnny should." Jenny piped up.
Joanne turned to him, taking the mug of coffee he offered. "Do you want to do the honors?"
"Sure, yeah." Johnny took a quick sip from his mug before setting it on the coffee table and lowering himself to the floor, crawling under the tree to start pulling out presents.
As soon as the presents were passed around, the room seemed to explode into noisy chaos as the kids tore into them, the air filled with their squeals and exclamations. Johnny moved to join Joanne on the couch, handing her an envelope. "Merry Christmas, Jo."
"Johnny, you didn't have to get me anything." Joanne chided him as she opened the envelope.
"Would've been pretty bad form if I hadn't." Johnny told her.
Joanne pulled the card out of the envelope and opened it, her eyes going wide. "Oh, Johnny. I don't believe this."
Johnny suddenly had a fit of doubt. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Joanne replied softly, leaning over to wrap him in a tight hug. "It's just…I didn't expect this. Tickets to the Philharmonic?"
Johnny let out a brief sigh of relief as he hugged her in response. "Well, you know, Roy always talked about how much you wanted to go. He was gonna surprise you with tickets for your anniversary, but—"
"Thank you." Joanne cut him off. "Thank you."
She pulled back, taking the tickets out with a puzzled expression. "There's two here."
"Well, figured you wouldn't wanna go alone." Johnny told her. "I don't know, maybe Eileen or one of your friends would wanna go with you."
"Why don't you go, Uncle Johnny?" Jenny, who had apparently been listening the entire time, piped up.
Johnny hadn't wanted to assume anything. "Well, you know, your mom might not want to drag me along."
"And maybe Uncle Johnny doesn't want to be dragged along." Joanne pointed out. "And he might have to work, anyway. Now then, does anyone want breakfast?"
"I do!" Jenny answered immediately while Chris nodded, already absorbed in his Erector set.
"Then I'll get it started." Joanne replied, tucking the tickets and the card back into the envelope before rising from the couch.
"You want a hand?" Johnny offered.
"Of course." Joanne nodded.
Johnny followed her into the kitchen, where Joanne was attaching the tickets to the calendar. "So, what do you have in mind?"
Joanne turned, looking briefly confused before recovering. "Oh, just some French toast. I seem to remember that you do pretty well with eggs."
Johnny couldn't help smiling a little at the memory. "I manage."
"Well, feel free to manage away."
The two of them coordinated remarkably well, Johnny thought, working around each other as the kids ran in and out to show them their newest treasures. It brought to mind a million mornings spent here not so different from this. The knowledge that it would never be quite the same sent a twinge of sadness through him.
Once they gathered around the table and started eating, an odd silence fell over them until Jenny broke it. "We should do this every Christmas."
"Yeah." Chris nodded in agreement. "This is kind of fun."
Joanne glanced across the table at Johnny. "I suppose there's nothing wrong with starting new traditions, is there?"
"Not at all." Johnny responded, resisting the urge to reach across the table for Joanne's hand.
Joanne seemed to have no such resistance, reaching across to squeeze his hand lightly. He couldn't help the little jolt that went through him at her touch.
They were already a family of sorts, Johnny realized. Maybe, just maybe, he could figure this out and be the kind of man they all needed.
In the meantime, this would do just fine.
# # #
Later that evening, Johnny packed up his overnight bag, along with his presents from Joanne and the kids. He slung it over his shoulder and made his way back to the living room, where both kids were waiting for him.
Jenny hugged him tightly first. "I wish you didn't have to go home."
"Gotta work tomorrow, remember?" Johnny reminded her. "Next time I come over we'll start that new book of yours, okay?"
"Okay." Jenny agreed, stepping back, though she still looked a little disappointed.
Chris stepped toward him next. "Thanks for the Erector set. It's just what I wanted."
"Good." Johnny replied, hugging him around his shoulders. "You'll have to show me what you're working on next time I see you."
"I will." Chris nodded and pulled away, heading down the hallway.
"You too, Jenny." Joanne told her. "Off to bed."
Jenny sighed, but complied, leaving Johnny and Joanne at the front door. Johnny immediately gathered her in a tight hug, kissing the top of her head. "I know it was a tough one, Jo."
She pulled back just enough to look up at him. "It wasn't quite as hard as I feared it would be. And I think we have a new holiday tradition."
"I'm on board with it." Johnny told her. "It did end up being a good day, huh?"
"Well, you did help." Joanne pointed out.
"Suppose I did." Johnny answered casually. "Okay, I've gotta go. Early day tomorrow."
He leaned down ever so slightly, kissing her gently, letting it linger for a long moment before finally pulling back with a brief sigh.
Joanne laid a hand on his chest. "You'd best get going."
"Right, yeah." Johnny agreed. "And hey, if you and the kids wanna do something this weekend, let me know."
"I will." Joanne replied with a smile. "Good night."
"Night."
Johnny let the door close behind him, slinging his bag into the front seat of the Rover before climbing inside and lighting up a cigarette before starting it up and backing out of the driveway.
He popped in the tape and let it play, the now familiar sounds filling the Rover. It really had started to grow on him, and he'd found a few more tapes by the artist. Maybe it was a small thing, but it helped keep Roy close by, somehow.
And there was that twinge of guilt again. He knew he'd been careless the night before, and if something came of that—
No, he wasn't going to think about that right now. But he damn sure was going to make sure it didn't happen again. He could only imagine the fallout if they had to explain to the kids that they had another brother or sister on the way.
It was one thing to be in Jo's and the kids' lives. It was another thing to somehow become a father himself. He wasn't ready for that.
He put out the cigarette in the ashtray and drove the rest of the way home, deep in thought. It had been a good day, all in all. The kids went nuts with their new toys, and spending the day lounging in their pajamas seemed to be just what they all needed.
And if this started a new holiday tradition, well, that wasn't so bad, was it?
He parked in front of his apartment house and trotted up the steps to his apartment. As he started to let himself in, he heard a voice down below. "Johnny?"
"Yes, ma'am." Johnny called back to the landlady.
She made her way up the steps. "I thought you were working when I didn't see you today."
"No, ma'am." He told her. "Spent the day with Jo and the kids."
She looked confused for a moment before she nodded. "Your work partner's widow. That's very kind of you. Those first holidays can be so hard."
"That they can be." Johnny nodded. "How about you? How was your Christmas?"
"My son and daughter-in-law stopped by." She told him. "They're expecting. She's due in the summer. My first grandchild, can you believe it?"
"That's great, Mrs. Miller." Johnny told her. "Congratulations."
"Thank you." She beamed. "Well, I'll let you go. I suppose you have to work tomorrow."
"Yes, ma'am." He replied. "You have a good one."
Mrs. Miller returned the way she came, and Johnny let himself into the apartment. It was so quiet now in comparison to the noise and chaos of the DeSoto home, the stale odor of old pot smoke and cigarette smoke lingering in the air.
Chet had been right, nothing about this place screamed 'family man'.
But that was a problem he would consider another time. For now, he needed to rest up for his shift at the station tomorrow. Life would go on as normal, or what passed for it, anyway. He'd gotten past this hurdle, as he had so many others this past year.
And soon a new year would come in. Maybe that one would be better.