DISCLAIMER

The following is a fan-based

FICTION

Genshin Impact is owned by MiHoyo.

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Chapter 1: The Monkee, the Klee, and the Outrider's REEE!

Warning: Brackets are for 'crossed text'. Surprisingly enough, that's not an option in this website.

I have a filthy confession to make. I too, like Max0r, played Genshin Impact for Waifus.

Not the plot, not the gameplay- The ladies [(and Venti)] were what drove me to achieve a sense of completion. I didn't play much anyway since I was not into whaling for the sake of sexy girls, and my free time was... nonexistent. So, you would have to forgive me if I... How do I put it... I am playing this game really wrong.

Like, what the fuck would anyone really expect from me if I just woke up in the body of a random Hilichurl near Monstadt and had to go Minecraft to not die? I was no longer a physical man, I was the Robinson Crusou gone partial Monkee. The body of a primitive with the one of the most brilliant and yet most demented brains this world could end up dealing with. I was a menace within the form of a tiny hostile NPC of the low-level kind.

And while I couldn't exactly dig material and do shit that would literally make me the most OP Entity in the realm beyond the creators, I was still within a situation that was equally disturbing and... favorable. Game logic applied to a degree when it came to food, health and power. Everything was quantified, similar to a game, but I had no means to see how strong I was, how to get XP or if I could go gacha and get myself a waifu that would tenderly offer me her lap for my head to rest upon.

I was a maidenless monkee with a mask, a club, rudimentary clothes and a small house/shelter I build from turning a tree into a hut. Food? I had fields set down with some edible plants, I managed to lure a few boars into a tiny fenced area beside the hut and I had a small river where to fish from. I wasn't going to die by natural issues, that much I could proudly say but that wasn't the real concern: not when I was literally settled beside the very area where people would go out and hunt down guys like me.

I was an endangered species now, you see, and no one had invented WWF. I was pretty much subjectable to some stuff which would make some war crimes look like a joke. But I was smart- Yes, I was quite clever! You see, I studied the situation I was in before settling down. You know, how Amber went with her patrols, how the rest of the Knights would help around and... what Klee was doing and how her childish pattern could be predicted.

There's a lot to keep in mind, but the first two could be chalked down as: 1) Amber followed a basic perimeter to scout around for trouble and 2) she strayed from the perimeter if some of the moron Hilichurls from distant tribes caused disturbances along the path and forced Amber to deal with them. The rest of the group tagging along at times followed Amber's mindset due to her 'experience', which meant that if I kept away from her steps, I was not going to met most of the troublemakers in that group.

Klee was more complicated. As a child, it was easy to expect her to be quite unpredictable. And trying to track her actions sure felt like I was getting close to FBI's sirens. I mean, I was trying to understand a child's movement to... avoid them. I was literally doing the opposite of what a Herbert the Pervert would do, except using his own methods to assure that goal of mine. Because, let's be clear. I am not going to touch a loli like that. And I definitely not even going to be around a loli of this kind when she carries around explosive.

I was a man of sane principles and I sought the bosom of justice, the thickness of thighs and the fattest butt that could nurse me to full mental sanation. Either that or eternal damnation.

it was a simple existence- will the world end? Well, that is sad but I can't help. I am too insignificant within the development of things to actually matter enough in case I wanted to assist. What I could do, however, was enjoy a long life, become a Hilichurlian activist, end up marrying Ella Musk in an arranged marriage due to our ideals, die childless, and end up with a grave kids will put graffiti on. Either that, or I just died alone.

...

Oh, by the way, I didn't mind these odds. It was a rotten hand and I was willing to stubbornly stand by it.

But Bukharin, [would a reader ask,] why would you be fine with this?

And the answer is simple: a life that is hard but not excessively so is a good life. If I have to be insignificant, then sure, go forth, I shall be eternally screwed by fate itself and- Oh, hi Klee- and as I was saying...

...

Wait, that's actually Klee. What is she- That's a bomb. That's a big bomb. And she is preparing to throw it on my beloved house-

No!

My voice definitely left as a squeak that meant nothing to the explosive-loving child, but my accusing fingers which had channeled years of having it thrown at me from my mother before she beat my ass with her wooden spoon made the difference. Klee paused, the agent of destruction in cute form frozen.

I raised the finger... and then aimed it back at her. She tensed even more. I know Jean didn't whoop the kid's ass, but I could tell that was a gesture she easily translated as 'You are in trouble, prepare for a punishment'. She put away the inactive bomb, standing tense as I walked closer to her, soon towering over the tiny elf-like cutie and... gave her a head pat.

Klee looked surprised, and I couldn't blame her. I think she expected me to admonish her for what she had tried to do, but my gesture was not to praise her reckless behavior, but to positively reinforce her reaction to stop the bad behavior before it went through. She was... stunned to say the least. And I didn't pay her much more attention before that. For a while, at least.

I would have expected the child to be bored and try to say or do something- or better, just leave. But she sat down on the grass. Klee just sat there, writing something on some papers she had around, and quietly saw me do things. I was confused by this behavior, but I let her be. If she was no threat, then I could let that be.

So, I went through my usual stuff until it was around ten. It was time for a pre-lunch snack, and I found a few apples that were sweet and juicy from nearby trees as of recently which made for a good and healthy solution to my belly's grumblings. It was there that Klee struck, approaching and looking specifically at the appleas with begging eyes. Goddammit, it felt like dealing with a sad puppy. A sad puppy that could go boom really fast if pissed off just right. I didn't need to be told twice what I had to do.

The child happily decimated her share of small pieces of peeled apples I gave her, and she finally took this chance to leave... but not without waving a quick goodbye and then go off for her other businesses. I thought it would have been it. It was a baseless hope, but a man can hope. What ensued was what triggered my interest in professional literature. The 'De Lolium Explosivo' was a piece of work which I, Biggus Dickus Bukharinus, created with a single theme in mind: understanding the complexity that is Klee and how such a character was actually holding more than mere naivety with her bombing.

Yes, I know, sounds incredibly stupid. How could a sweet youth like Klee have more depth than she already had shown? And the truth is that this extended situation was very visible, just not at a first glance. Klee was a kid that unconsciously worshiped Deidara's creed, but the way others looked into it was... awkwardly atrocious. And that's me being rather merciful with that judgment.

That's not to say that Klee's gift wasn't dangerous if misused, but the issue was that it wasn't even expected to be used. Which makes sense since she is a child. The real issue is that she is also a good kid that wants to help despite her pranking streak, and that really created a very distorted view on how the punishment comes to be.

To Klee's expectation, being put in 'solitary confinement' meant she used her power. Not what her power did. Jean could have at least put an effort to see how the girl was warping the meaning of the punishment due to her lack of explanation for some of the punishment she got. The best way to sort that is for Klee to understand when going boom is fine and when it wasn't.

Bombing a poor settlement of hilichurls which had ruined by chances to get some food from nearby trees and bushes? Nuke them.

A lovely lake that was devoid of fishes? That was a waste of resources.

Head pats and shoulder grasping were the primary gestures to let her know when she was right or wrong respectively. I was no therapist, but the head pat was a good sign for doing something right while the firm grasp on the shoulder tended to bring people to tension and to realize they needed to pay attention as something was wrong.

The girl lacked parental guidance. She had strictness and people telling her the general rights and wrongs, but no one that walked beside her all day to make sure she was being given guidance. One would expect Klee to be upset to have someone, even an odd Hilichurl chad like me, walk around with her and telling her what to do and not to do. She was surprisingly quick to listen, quick to understand I could understand her but couldn't speak her language, and equally pick to get comfy enough to start returning head pats with hugs. Tiny Klee was cute and the huggies were quite wholesome.

Ah yes, it wasn't a waifu, but at least my loneliness was soothed by the joy of being a step dad to a cute explosive specialist. I felt satisfied, and then I was not when my daughter decided to break my heart by doing something rather stupid and incredibly deadly to me.

"Oh, hi Mister Hili! I brought a friend with me."

Oh? Is that Qiqi?

That was my thought when I opened the door, only to be met with a fine piece of brunette that was super hot at the moment since she was holding a bow, the string tense as an arrow was aimed right at my beautiful mask. I stared at the scene, Amber looked ready to kill me- but failed to account to something. I have a dream, this is my hutt, your gameplay value is lacking, but you have a curvy rear- so, get bent and stay out of mah house!

I closed the door, Amber's posture faltering in surprise at the move since many Hilichurls would have started a fight. The one that actually 'fought' with her was a very annoyed Klee that looked genuinely surprised and quite upset by what Amber tried to do. To say she was pissed was a thing. Not only she was throwing a tantrum, but also told Amber to not ask her for help with Baron Bunny.

I remained entrenched in my safe space for a while, just for as long as Amber was around. Klee remained, standing there and waiting as I finally peeked out from the window once the cause of potential death. The day went on as usual, but Klee was latching a lot onto me. I thought it was just a chance for her to be apologetic as she was also keen to listen more than usual and whine less... but I could also tell there was more about it.

After all, Klee kept this whole situation a secret, but nothing prevented Amber from spilling the beans and make my life difficult. A greater man would have relocated, broken Klee's heart, prevented myself some trouble... but I was no man at this point and, rather than avoid danger, I welcomed it by going for a sequel to my first book. One that will stress the relevance of feminine values, of the curves, of the thiccness, of the girlbossery and so more about true female empowerment.

After spending roughly a month with Klee around me, I was just too accustomed to explosions to miss this one in particular.

AN

It's an experiment- a rather insane one. One that revolves about the Giga-chaddery that comes from being the weakest being and still holding the candle with many strong-tier women and men. Mostly women, I don't like staring at men's butt. [But I definitely would give Venti a pounding for the sake of equality of genders, that's what a good bro would do, after all.]

P.S. I now have a discord server! Discord .gg/ceBMM2Zz6