DISCLAIMER

The following is a fan-based

FICTION

Genshin Impact is owned by MiHoyo.

Please support the official release.

Chapter 3: Finally some (John) Impact on my head!

Last time I mentioned some peculiarities tied to the gentle sex. No, I didn't bang anyone (yet), but I will leave you indulge the curiosity behind the how that stuff may happen.

The situation with Eula was, how do I put it, debatable. The girl was supportive, yet extremely sussy in her assignment due to how many times she said she wasn't trying to kill me. Considering the lack of murdering, I was willing to believe she wasn't wrong, but that didn't make the repetitive behavior somewhat jarring no- saucy. And spicy.

Let us all talk about spice. No, I am not talking about the rip-off RWBY series that Crunchyroll packed with so much LGBTQ-bait in an effort to 'hide' the bullshit quality of plot and style. [I have yet to scrap that barrel.] We are talking about the juicy and also the... confusing! It all started a lovely morning. Klee was bombing, Eula was peeking and I was writing something.

To the armed woman, I was but a little monkey trying to mimic my overlords in a futile attempt to write. Foolish of her to assume that as I was plotting how to get her to tell me what her real mission was. At this point, I could tell she was lying about what she was doing here. And the fact that Jean was just sanctioning a quest like that which wasted tax-payers' money just to keep an eye on a monkey made it even less likely it was just that.

But within plotting and trying to teach Klee the true power of being a smart terrorist, I had to tend my own needs. I had to take a leak. Conveying the message was difficult, but I learned to eventually use metaphors and representative scenes as I picked some water in my palm, allowed it to trickle and then do a bit of 'psssss'. That got Eula to tense up in realization and awkwardness.

"Oh. I... I see. Sure, go ahead."

That should have been it. I go to a bush, I pull my pseudo-loincloth down, and I allowed Billy the Little Bitchbreaker to indulge my bladder's demand. Easy, simple- did I mention Eula is a bit dumb? Either that or her intelligence had reached that kind of level where its growth was exponentially negative compared to others. I don't offend women without reason, but I sure felt a bit threatened when an armed woman was spotted peeking from the bush as I allowed my medium-sized Gyarados let out a Hydro-pump or two.

Her jaw dropped, but I think the point of it wasn't her admiring the size of the length, but the mere fact it existed.

"I didn't know Hlichurls had... that."

Really? We don't lay eggs, and we clearly have children. We have bitches, so it's clearly not an asexual reproduction happening, but at this point I would have loved to not have to share the bed with a hilichurl tomboy sex-crazed bitch to have a kid. Right now I was having a moral dilemma: indulge the porn scene and see where it could lead, or be smart since Klee was going to spot that we weren't around and eventually find us thus stop before the kid sees how a bitch is tamed?

I was a man of culture first, and I want my loli untainted. Despite the staring, the signals that she was pondering a bit too sexily about the meaty tool the Gods provided me with, I just put the shaft away and left without explaining. I had to be sigma before a woman like Eula. Because, let's be honest- when does she fuck? And who?

Considering how much time she spent outside, the sheer amount of hate she got due to her family's shittery and the fact I could see most of the Knights brother-zoning her out of principle, poor Eula was a girl with needs and I was a man with self-preservation. Keep the horny girl under check, and had I been quite specific about my intention:

"May I... touch it?"

I shook my head, tapping my bonking club on the ground. She frowned, visibly irked by the rejection, but said nothing about it. That was it, but I could tell dynamics were bound to change. And I thus changed dynamics by introducing Klee to a new form of explosive that I had learned of.

"You can turn Fire Slimes into spreading bombs?!" The child squealed, learning of new methods to trigger the elimination of the unspeaking and produce the flashiest blast only a little sweet dynamitard would be able to enjoy.

Good kid, she will become the best god-slayer this world deserved.

I would say that would be it when it comes to external interactions, but my little peace in heaven was soon interrupted when two new visitors interrupted my highly-enjoyable effort to simulate a failing cultivation campaign. In which I didn't use any of those Chinese laws of nature and just allowed the Western concept of merely being a farmer take over. I just could feel my inner brigantist self come forth and demand independence... from something. But what and where?

Still, going back to the visitors. One was clearly not the John Impact I wanted, but still a John Impact I wasn't expecting nonetheless. The blonde was tense, a stark difference compared to his trusted emergency food of the loli-bait kind. Paimon, such an exquisite squeaker with a squeaky voice and a squeaky personality.

I was not sure why they were there, so I approached with my club ready for some tactical defense. They were tense but not willing to start a fight. Yet. I mean, I don't have to worry about my mentally-challenged logic screwing things up. Once close enough, I raised my free hand up and waved.

"Greetings, John Impact."

I expected a few frowns that dignified their lack of understanding of what I just said, which was true for the boy... but not for Paimon.

"His name is Aether," She replied squeakily and... everyone looked at her. "What? Paimon just said the truth.

She did, which was the problem.

"You can understand... Mr. Hili?"

"You can't?" Paimon inquired, tilting her head to the side. "I mean, I thought that you could."

"That sounds like a unique trait."

"Is it?" She inquired giddily. "He said that it was a unique trait."

"That would make sense. Still, are you-"

"Yes, I am that guy. That's a name Klee gave me, even though it isn't truly my name."

"Oh, he said the name was given to him by Klee," Paimon translated. "And that it isn't truly his name."

"Then what is it... sir?" John Impact inquired, clearly unaware of the might names may have. But I indulged his curiosity.

"John Bukharin."

"John... Bukharin?"

I nodded.

"That's a unique name for a Hilichurl."

"That's because I wasn't a hilichurl since birth," I replied flatly, surprising Paimon with that. "And yes, do tell him that."

"Ehr..." The floating girl gave the blond a look. "He says he wasn't a Hilichurl from the start."

"R-Really?"

I nodded.

"But then... how did it happen?"

Oh, was he worried about becoming a monkey too?

I shrugged. "Woke up in this world like this."

Paimon frowned up. "Woke up... in this world?"

"Y-You are not a native of Teyvat?"

"Yeah, but I think our circumstances are different."

"Yeah, but different," Paimon summarized. "I think he means that he is from a different world than yours."

"Oh. I... see."

...

"Well, Jean wanted us to give you this. It's a letter that she said was important for you to read."

I nodded, only now realizing that the whole prologue act happened and I noticed squat-shit. Okay, maybe I did notice a storm approaching, a bit provoking too, but I thought it was Vergil passing by while approaching the Futa Dimension. I may have got things mixed up a bit, my sanity had times like that if there was any left to begin with.

Still, I got a letter and the duo left because they had other businesses. I was finally alone with a letter I couldn't read. That was bad. But also entertaining. It was like playing with crosswords- now I can understand what the elderly feels when dying alone in some hospitals with a book filled with those.

Such an amazing experience, even more entertaining since it also reminded me of the time I studied Latin. And it sure made me think of those fun times. I also remember how sweet it was to contemplate murder. But for now, I had to bash my head onto something solid, beg the Moth Pope for assistance by surrendering my firstborn to her hungry moth pussy, and then get this translation work out of the way.

Then again, I had to be thankful because the phrasing system was the same as English- the only difference is that the words were literally... written in different letters. It literally was English, just with different letters. Three hours of agonious translation later, and I was staring at the translated letter and a mostly complete 'Teyvat Alphabet' paper to rely on for future situations.

Still, the letter was straightforward:

'I know you have been looking after Klee, I thought you were a wild beast pedophile, I am sorry for thinking that as we have to think the worst out of your kind[, Papa Varka, where are thou?], and I want to talk with you in private about stuff of importance.'

Now this last bit had me perplexed. Did Jean have in mind to smuggle me in Monstadt? No. Surprisingly enough, the woman was going to pull her butt out of her chair and met me beyond the gates. I was to wear a telling piece of outfit which could differentiate me from the rest. I mean, Eula was going to escort me there, but she wanted to be extra sure about it. Which meant I had to find something that normally Hilichurls didn't wear.

I decided to put on a shirt. Have you ever seen a normal Hilichurl submit to shirt? I didn't. And I bet no one else did. The shirt I found was actually something one of the tribal groups we exterminated had. I could tell it was going to be torn up and the fabric used to make more of the standard pseudo-loincloth.

I tried the shirt on, a pure dark-blue one and... It feels so wrong. I was a man with muscles and abs, I shouldn't be subjected to this. Gigachad lives for us because shirtless displays are the first of many steps to prove one's manliness. And here I was temporarily discarding it.

I hope my Lord and Savior Ironmouse will find it in her heart to forgive me.

But for now, let's get ready to business. To entertain the Jean!

And not get fucked, mentally or literally.

AN

[Paimon is not considered a loli here, but a shortstack, you have been warned]. And here it is, boyos and girlos, the long awaited episode of the MC's struggles as a man with a wank plan. Next time... Jean, Amber, and maybe some trolling with Venti which may entertain a potential debauchery of the intimate femboy kind.

P.S. I now have a discord server! Discord .gg/ceBMM2Zz6