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The following is a fan-based
FICTION
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Chapter 4: Primate Diplomacy (With a Slice of Booty Call)
Welcome to a new episode of 'Mom, help, I became a most handsome monkey'. Today, I, Bukharin, engage in what many would call the equivalent of a Soviet-US exchange of diplomatic intents. With less espionage and much more antagonism driven by years or decades of nurtured hatred towards my uncultured species.
Yes, I decided to go quite prepared for the occasion out of preventing diplomatic accidents which may result in my imprisonment or my death. Or worse, a punishment through exile that would set me off further away from Ganyu. That would be a horrible experience for sure, hence why I went in carrying as many notes a rookie lawyer called Phoenix Wright would. I was ready, I felt ready, but I could tell none of those that were waiting for me had been prepared for me.
I could tell from the frown Eula gave me. I mean, a Hilichurl wearing a shirt, carrying a bag with stuff and keeping up pace like a normal intelligent being? Call Guinness World Record, I think I am entitled to some money here. Still, back to the healthy debate regarding the chances of my survival, I had to say that Jean selected her Gang quite nicely.
There was Klee, which got a headpat as she tried to appear sad because she got my name wrong 'so many times'; then there was Amber which looked at me with a mixture of deadly expectation and pure confusion at how I looked and behaved; next was Albedo, the guy just stared quietly as he tried to judge me while I handled Klee with caution; following him was Kaeya and the one-eyed guy just gave me the most innocent look beyond Klee's when it came to my current arrival; beside Kaeya and fixing his instrument was Venti. I was surprised to meet who I think was the current God of Wind or something like that so soon- Finally there was Lisa, the witch giving me an intrigued look that promised a fuck-load of questions and questionable behavior if I behaved like a good boy.
Last but not least was Jean herself, the Acting Grandmaster of the Knights of Favonius, and currently fixing her hair- dear God I am not into that shit, but I wanted to stare closely at her pits now. It took monumental strength of heart, holding back a fart, and then contemplating the divine existence of those that could actually say how good in bed Jean was- Truth be told, I already knew the number was zero with how little time the girl had for herself.
The entire posse was set around what was a small camp in front of Mondstadt's gates. There was a medium-sized tent meant to comfortably house a small group of people inside, and a modest-sized table meant to allow a couple of people to sit there. I was quite sure that I had a reserved chair there.
Jean's attention was soon aimed at Eula as the knight paused to bow.
"Eula, I see that you brought our guest."
"Yes, Acting Grandmaster."
Her gaze shifted to me. "And I believe you are... John Bukharin?"
Rather than nod or use any other standard gesture, I used the pencil and the paper I had with me. This move gained further interest by the group and I swiftly turned the paper with the finished result.
That would be my name, yes.
Her eyes widened a tiny bit. "I see that Aether was right. You bear sentience beyond those of your ilk."
I was actually surprised John Impact wasn't around. I suppose he was doing quests or shit to get higher Adventurer's level. That shit is tough from what I remember. Still, I scribbled once more, this time on the rear of the paper.
Please, don't compare me to them. I don't recognize them as my ilk.
"How so? You are part of the same race," Lisa argued and I sighed. Once again, I wrote my response.
Female are aggressive, they treat mates as potential househusbands and potential 'sperm-donors'.
Klee didn't read this bit, but she saw the adults frown hard at this.
"But males are primarily the warriors," Amber quipped strongly, then noticed the tired look Jean gave her. "I- I mean, I don't want to sound rude, but-"
That's because you found forward camps, not settlements.
"Forward camps?" Kaeya parroted quietly. "I suppose that would explain why we only found adult males in those and not the rest of the tribes."
I nodded, but my attention was soon taken by a perplexed look from Jean.
"If you are not part of any tribe, how come you know so much about their behavior?"
I smiled, but I had a mask hiding my giga-chad features. The response had been one of those I expected someone to ask. Maybe Amber or Lisa, but Jean was close enough.
I had the chance to study them during the fun time I spent with Klee exterminating them. Their resources are limited, which means they are meant to linger little in those areas.
"That would be reasonable," Amber agreed. "But then, do you know where those settlements are?"
Do I hear a certain fire bunny-girl getting hyped up for slaying more illiterate natives? Sadly for her, the answers I got were as negative as the chances of the Owl House getting more than three episodes in Season 3. [Disney, you dumb monster.]
I do not. Settlements are not easy to find if there is no proof to where they might be.
"And you have found none?" Venti quipped, the bard looking intrigued by this whole interaction. "I would have thought someone like you would have had it easier to find clues."
Oh, I was just going to hit back at him for trying to assert dominance. Silly Barbatos, between the two of us, I am not the submissive and breedable one.
First thing, hello there cutie. Second, I am not exactly a natural-born Hilichurl. Third, no- there is literally no proof around that would help anyone whatsoever find where these settlements.
Venti had the decency to blush a bit at the abrupt compliment, and I ignored the snorts coming from Kaeya and Albedo while Lisa giggled, Amber frowned hard and Jean looked perplexed by this turn of events.
"So, Aether was also correct in saying that you are not from this world."
I nodded, feeling my hand going through one of those episodes of wanker's cramps. It's been a while, but the pain is the same as usual.
"That's a bit unusual," Albedo finally spoke. "I understand he's a peculiar Hilichurl, but such a step would be... the most fascinating and oddest possible."
I merely started to scribe, but Jean didn't seem to notice as she replied to the young man.
"While I understand it's quite odd, it wouldn't be out of reach if we consider Aether went through a similar experience."
And then my paper was up.
Seventeen years of education, two years of working my ass off, and a month or so trying to survive physically and mentally as a native which purpose is to die because they are too dumb to understand what not being jerks means. I am sorry if I sound rude here, but I am a fucking human, my dude.
Albedo stared hard at the paper, and I saw him actually flinch at the last bit.
"That was a display of unexpected crass," Lisa commented. "Yet, it is reasonable. From what I understand, you are a scholar."
Basic education.
Everyone looked confused as Lisa tensed up at this.
"Basic... education? For seventeen years?"
Truth be told, basic education was thirteen, but four years was advanced studies that helped me find a job.
"That's still..."
"Remarkable," Jean confirmed, understanding a bit how shocking it may be to a studious scholar such as Lisa. "Still, I don't think that we have addressed the main point of this meeting."
I tilted my head to the side and Jean continued.
"Are you willing to sign a contract which will confirm your neutrality or openness towards a friendly relationship with Monstadt, thus ending any potential animosity between our two parties?"
...
I shrugged and nodded. The paperwork was provided, but I took some time to understand what it was all about. I read, I pondered and ultimately signed. There were a couple of details that gained my attention, but none that genuinely concerned me or my current living situation. Heck, it didn't even limit any chance of expanding if it was meant to just expand my housing conditions rather than allow any military upgrading.
With the tense air now relaxed, it was time to mingle. Kaeya was quite jovial, and Albedo tagged along in the first wave of people wanting to 'talk' with me. Klee worked nicely as a reason to discuss, with the girl being extremely excited to 'know more about who she thought was Mr. Hili'.
Lisa was next with a few intense questions regarding my education. It was quite... well, intense. When they say she is always on the verge of sex... they right. She was flustered, legs rubbing against each other the more I brought up topics she either knew as quite advanced or didn't even know much about and was interest to explore. With me. Heh.
Amber apologized, and the girl was quite giddy at the promise of tagging along for some extermination campaigns together with me, Klee and Eula. Soon it was was finally time for me to leave... and I used this chance to finally 'strike' Venti with a piece of paper I had prepared just for this occasion. Understand that, as a man that has to look at some men's butts, I have to capitulate in the context of accepting the chances of not having some waifus, and having to rely on the reliable source of pleasure that was domming a femboy.
"Heh, calling me a cutie and thinking I would just shy away from an exchange? And now... what's this?"
He noticed the paper I was now offering him. I smiled so evilly under my mask as I already imagined his reaction. And it was just as wonderful as I expected.
His face burned red, his eyes widened, and his lips parted to display the purest expression of shock. He blinked a few times, silently re-reading the paper and then... huffing. Shaking his head, looking annoyed and then... smiling with a lewd connotation.
"I-I doubt you are like that. But... why me? Why not a... girl?"
Another piece of paper.
Who said you were the only one?
...
"Hehe~, okay, that sounds like a fun way to spend time. But first I need two bottles of wine. Need to clear out any potential... ill thoughts I might have with- You write fast."
I had written a response while he was still talking.
I don't mind. What I will mind will be giving you a treatment worthy of a cute god.
He frowned really hard at that, and laughed even more.
"You know what? You... are funny. I guess I will give it a shot. So, tomorrow night at the gates?"
It's a date.
He chuckled some more, but the deed was done. And no amount of quizzical staring from Eula was going to get her to know the pure debauchery I planned to accomplish with Barbatos. I found a fem-bro to nail once in a while, and I also made friends with a good amount of the knights. That was progress.
And I had yet to fuck Venti, I guess this is just the adrenaline talking for me at this point.
AN
It should be mandatory that Barbatos gets the D. He is a bro, he is a pretty boy, and he needs to be worshiped. It is what it is. Eula witness stuff next time, and she may actually get more stubborn on getting laid. Girl is quite competitive, you see.
EDIT: For some reason my fic doesn't appear on the list of stories within the site. I want to believe it's a bug.
P.S. I now have a discord server! Discord .gg/ceBMM2Zz6
Also Pxtreon: P a treon . com (slash) socialistbukhari