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FICTION
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Chapter 12: Home Alone - Invasion Edition
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It was a new morning to a new day.
I was feeling quite peachy, ready to wander back into Dragonspire to find more materials for my extravagant plans of weapons [of mass destruction], and I had a home invasion in my hand. Now, I know what everyone here is thinking. But John, you are not American, you don't have the Second Amendement to excuse your need to profess your love for your country. And I would be willing to disagree, [Akhmed]. As a proud Italian, I have a bit of a 'mobile House protection' disorder.
You see, when WW1 happened, Italy had to get groovy to get a few slices of land at the expense of a few generations of people, and the result was poor. Attacking a heavily fortified mountain without protections can do that to people. But you see, my dear listener, this is not a mountain, and I am not the attacker. In fact, my enemies shall shed a couple of generations for the sake of achieving what one would expect from attacking me in my humble abode.
Nothing.
Let's try to approach it as a simple game of Napoleon Total War with cheats enabled. Here I am, my lovely house with basic traps meant to maim, kill and destroy anything or anyone that tried to sneak around without permission- especially those with low intellect. Since Hilichurls were involved in this en masse, it was easy to see where I am going with this.
One moment there was an army marching to dethrone my mighty hut, the next a few Abyss Mages were suddenly trembling in fright as the explosive blood combo triggered by the explosive mines being activated shattered their shields. Because they are Pyro mages, and blood is regarded as Hydro. [The more you know, the more you can kill, I suppose.]
And without their mighty army trying to cause me issues, I finally walked out of my door with a little surprise I had prepared in case another wave came through: two small tanks filled with elemental water rested on my shoulders and tubes connected these to a little device which would be difficult to use if using bullets.
Ladies and gentlemen, the mini-watergun. Sounds like a fun toy for the summer, it is actually a legit weapon which turned 'mere' water into high-pressured elemental bullets which could easily decimate an horde. I tried to make more ammo for it through my own pee, you know for [the sake of showing dominance by killing people with my own urine] science's reason, but I learned that my pee is not elemental enough. Eventually, I will find a solution to this legitimate problem, but not today.
Today I slay fat little fluffy shits from the void who have sworn vengeance on the real world.
A genocide later, I took a moment to gauge the current situation. Left flank had all mines exploded, right flank had two layers of mines detonated while the frontal spot/the main path to the perimeter was barely touched by any explosion. They did try to go around in a basic response to strategy. They have brains, just not of the working kind.
So yes, I think this will not be a problem for the time being. Or, rather, should have not been a problem when I was visited by the presence of a major dickward. Not only because he appeared through a rift that was themed after a nebula, but because he looked like a Dark Souls character-
Abyss Herald
Wicked Torrents - Presager of the Abyss
"I finally found you... the source of our trouble and the one the princess wants to claim as her own."
I frowned, still contemplating a lot of things about the Sus [AMOGUS!] in this whole matter. "Wait, you mean these bastards you sent were here to 'capture me'?"
I expected him to fail to understand me, but he snorted. "Obviously. You are valuable and dangerous, thus you shall be paid incredible attention while our other plans are in motion."
I tensed up. "Bitch, start talking before I make you cope and seethe, what other plans?"
"It's irrelevant," He muttered, retrieving his glowing Hydro sword. "I shall subdue you so you can properly be sent to the Princess."
"Hold your horses, Kyle, who told you I was going down without a fight?" I retorted while readying my mini-watergun. "Prepare to get squirted, you cunt!"
Welcome to the most epic boss battle of all time. Here I am fighting a being of incredible speed Cha Cha to the Right which can't be defeated without proper attention. Focus is essential and so it the necessity to not let him damage the gun because I love that piece of machinery I built. It was like a baby. A baby that I nourished with elemental dog water magic, and the blood of my enemy. [Pee doesn't count, please don't label me a watersport enjoyer!]
The sheer pace, the rising heat despite how wet the fight was with both opponents mustering the power of what the world should send to Africa without hesitation and should be free to be enjoyed without paying multi-corporations. The stern viciousness from both sides eventually led to a peculiar development where the Kyle man unleashed the power of Avatar the Last Airbender and summoned all the water needed to calm a Thirsty Sokka to produce a versatile and flexible water barrier which nullified any Hydro attacks. Then proceeded to wreck my water-minigun.
"Enough with the toying. I have wasted too much time and- GH!" Pain exploded from his throat as he felt a large nail slam and fully penetrate into his left shoulder, shredding a good chunk of it in the process. He looked surprised and he shouldn't. I am a man that wanted special people to suffer whenever they hurt me [like eating my crayons when I was five.]
What I was holding was another piece of Macaque technology- we call it the Electro-Nailgun of the Pak 43 kind. The denomination may confuse the many, especially the Pak 43 bit. But all makes sense when it comes to the purpose of it. The gun was more of a crossbow which focused on yeeting large reinforce Electro-powered iron nails at neck-breaking speed. The Pak 43 was more of a correlation to the diameter of the nail to 88mm. I was literally 'Paking' the same heat as a Tiger Tank, but less explosivey and more anti-infantry in main purpose.
And that's for killing my baby, you sicko!
I approached him, reloading another nail.
"I hope you made your prayers to your princess waifu, because this is the end of the line, pal!" I held the nailgun against its helmet, the figure going awfully quite and I mistook it as him having a 'I am going to die' kind of freeze-up.
I was, of course, incorrect. He tensed up a bit, looking... at me? Behind me? The helmet didn't help with understanding what had him crapping his pants.
"Princess?"
Wait, the fuck? I spun around, trying to catch a bitch on the act but got myself caught by the bitch herself. And when I say bitch, I totally meant the fact the 'Princess' forcibly planted my unmasked face against her exposed boobas and then pulled me in a way that my groin was grinding against her exposed smooth pussy. She clearly shaved recently and as my growing tent pressed against her eager hole, I finally looked up and...
Ahyo, what the fuck is going on here?! Why is John Impact here?!
"It really has been too long, John. I look away for a few years..." She paused, her face growing more aroused by the second. "And my beloved husband turned in a Monkey~..."
(Related Pic: i . postimg . cc /W3ZJQcRs/ Lumine-Horny-Princess. jpg)
"I-I am the wrong John?"
"John Bukharin, Italian, a lovely man with a wonderful mind. So silly at times, should have done his job many eons ago and yet hesitated until his passing. Shame- so much shame... but now it doesn't matter because I found you, my John. My husband, no- mate," She brought me closer, sniffing my neck and then sighing in bliss and ahegaoing for a moment. "Yesh~, this is it, John's scent but muskier and more intense~!"
Oh no. This was a mistake. THIS IS A BIG FUCKING MISTAKE!
I couldn't move, Anemo energy fixing me deep in her embrace while Lumine giggled.
"No need to struggle now. You and I... we will so do a lot of struggling in the name of breeding once we are in our lovely palace, giving me the chance to produce so many children to fill up the loneliness of that place while savoring your fat cock as the delicacy it has to be~."
I do not give consent to this bullshittery, the sussery had gotten too cringe at this point. And right as I contemplated using Explosion to preserve my anal purity, an Electro-enhanced arrow almost headshotted her if not for a quick move of whipping her head back, only a small cut appearing on her nose's bridge.
Why do I hear Die Wacht am Rheim in the background?
"Begone courtesan! That Hilichurl is not thine to claim. Mondstadt stands beside him and his humble abode!" A female voice fiercely proclaimed and she appeared from a nearby bush.
Oh god, it's the girl with the bird.
"And who am I talking to, right now?" Lumine rebuked, irked for the interruption and clearly uncaring of the fact she had been called a bitch and the fact she was still semi-nude at the moment.
"I, Fischl, Prinzessin der Verurteilung, shall not entertain any idle chatting with a common and cheap harlot," The 'one-eyed' Princess rebuked, readying her bow with an arrow cocked for a new assassination attempt. "Bennett, cease with your ogling and join our side at once!"
The chiding remark stunned a few as another figure emerged from the bushes and he looked quite embarrassed. Young guy, short blond hair and clearly unprepared for the sight.
"I was just- just trying to find the right time to jump in action."
Or rub a quick one.
"Well, I doubt that will be of importance as no fight shall come from this... I am afraid this is a brief goodbye, John," Lumine sounded quite saddened by this, "But worry not. I will claim you in due time, and we shall share an endless and wonderful baby-making night together~."
She let go of me, placidly walking up to the downed Herald and pulling him by the rear of his neck through a portal she created on the spot. I was utterly floored about what had just happened, so many questions, so many confusing potential plotpoints I wasn't aware about and-
"Another valiant rescue from me!" Fischl announced. "Alas, are you well or not, little and peculiar critter?"
I took a piece of paper I had saved in cases of emergency by my rear pants' pocket and wrote a single word on it.
Peachy.
The truth was, I was not peachy at all.
AN
Lumine knows John Bukharin, John knows not Lumine beyond her as 'John Impact'. What is going on? The phrasing hold some of the truth.
Next time, John faces the 'clean up' process [and ends up having to clean part of Monstadt too in the name of money], the Final Battle against Dvalin is now over [but Venti is a bit horny and needs a second date], but things will soon get ruined as the Italian KGB may be onto something [more nefarious compared to the canon stuff].