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The following is a fan-based
FICTION
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Chapter 16: Heja Sumeru
Chapter 15: The Joy of Yuri (by Monkee Bob Ross)
P.S. I now have a discord server! Discord .gg/ceBMM2Zz6c
Also Pxtreon: P a treon . com (slash) socialistbukharin
Hello again, Bukharin here and this is the first special episode of 'Help, I am not British but I really want to put my tea bags in this Green Hell'.
I want to really say that I know where I am going, but this Sumeru place was quite the jolly surprise when it comes to [deadly tigers running around in need for nourishment through devouring monkee-boys, OMG is that a bunch of mechanic snakes that is trying to blast me with some BS scientific electric beams, why is that bush looking at me like tha- oh Lord, it's a Slime!] a lot of fun stuff.
I am not having fun if you have noticed despite how multi-troublesome and, deliciously Vietnamesque this place was. For a time I wondered if I had to switch to the disguise of Rice Farmer or try to speak in proper Vietnamese/Chinese [only to fail, be seen as racist by all sorts of media, lose my readers, be banished from Twitter and be returned to Tumblr, heh]. But my willpower drove me to the very reason I was not actually going through the border, smuggle my smexy ass across the country and pass through Ming China to reach Monstadt.
I was bonking a few hostile denizens of the thievery kind and one of them mentioned something about a 'Terminal'. This 'Akasha System' was pretty much the PC I had back home, except it was greener, didn't have an 'Activate Windows' issue, it could be used as a Earpiece as some sort of Airpod, and I can actually use it to pull some crazy stats as force-download 2 Girls 1 Cup on all users of the system to cause a cultural evolution, or the end of society as we know just yet.
Because yes, this side of the world not only was Vietnam with a slice of Middle East, but also a shake and slice of Internet culture akin to the US. Except instead of Tiktok, people were hooked to Wikipedia from the looks of it. [Ah yes, a pure Nerd culture... there was so much of this identity that I felt my own nerdy ass shift from standard geek unto proper 'I want your lunch money' bully.]
Except, rather than going for the standard prank, I took interest in Saint Francis of the Filth's plans upon all realms: I will find the closest PC, I was going to put the System32 in the Trash Bin. Why? Well, that much Internet is bad and since their previous God died and their new one wasn't exactly around to tell them that people died by playing Alexa by Despacito too many times, I had to step up and be a father- And by that I also mean spanking if needed.
My lovely plan was also aided by a new development that I learned through some tactical cussing and that I could now use to fit within the crowd.
"Why, hello jolly people. It is I, a normal citizen such as yourselves," I greeted calmly, feeling sadge as no one could hear my smooth and culturally-orgasmic voice as they were all too busy with either some wiki pages, or some sussy E621 posts (uwu).
But yes, you got that one right. This monkee can speak and no, it's not the amazing voice I was born with. It was somewhat 'squeakier' due to my current form. Did I love it? I would totally bathe it in pure pain if I had its personification at hands. Yet, that's what I got and I couldn't ask for anything better.
Everyone was pretty much distracted as I made my way through Sumeru City. Big ass city, but a lot of it was clearly not the product of humans. Because, truth be told, neither Monstadt and Liyue were born from Divine hand. Sumeru City? Very scenic, but alas felt a bit... off. I feel like I have wandered this streets before, and yet not.
Once again, this was tied with the orb-thingy, but I decided to keep quiet until I was done ransacking the closest server and stash some porn for the next journey. I doubted I was going to find any pussy if my next goal was just to troll some nerds and get the fuck out of dodge. I finally found it, the 'Sanctuary of Surasthana' or something-something Indian that I just butchered even in my thoughts when it comes to pronunciation.
Still, big-ass tree, a few dozens of guards patrolling around but only two stopping anyone from entering the place without authorization. I asked for information and then proceeded to bonk them quickly as they were telling me what they knew. People in this world have this tendency to lower their guards while talking when in a non-threatening situation. And considering my height and lack of serious dangerous attitude, I appeared more like a child to them lancers.
Once the bonking was done, I turned to the side and saw a guy standing there, a student from the looks of it.
"You, lead me inside and show me how to access the Akasha Terminal or I will find your mom and tell her you were smoking grass with friends."
I think the guy was more threatened by the fact I was waving my bonking club rather murderously while giving him that ultimatum than the ultimatum itself- but it didn't really matter as he happily opened the doors for me and then led me to some sort of pseudo-elevator. He was tense, nervous even, but kept as silent as a living being could.
But as the descent unfolded, I felt my head hurting a little as-
Vision 245 'Collected Wisdom'
"Are you sure this isn't a bit... too much?" I asked calmly, frowning at the spherical cagey chamber that the woman had finished to show me.
She giggled at the concern, but her wonderful smile was something that stunned me for a moment. The woman had pretty green eyes and pointy twitchy ears. Her hair was mostly white with green bits, the long mane being contained in part within a braid that reached far below her hips. She was wearing a white dress with gold details, making her appear as pure as she was gorgeous.
"I appreciate the worry, John, but this Terminal shall grant Sumeru a chance to see knowledge without having to always rely on me. Even when I will be gone, I know my successors will be able to use this to keep on with the work."
"...I still don't like it, Ana. It sounds too... simple."
"You think it can be improved? I thought about some expansion to allow Sages from all around to deposit their own knowledge. Like permanent books, archives online like those you mentioned months ago," 'Ana' reasoned calmly, taking a moment to think about it. "So, it wouldn't just be me. A whole world of wisdom that exceeds Divinity."
"Be careful that this could bring Celestia's wrath on your gorgeous self, Ana."
She blushed a bit at the indirect compliment, but scoffed at the warning.
"I am doing nothing beyond what my limits are. I will dare anyone to prove my heretic behavior if they so try to accuse me of that."
I sighed, shaking my head as she just resumed her tour of the Terminal and-
Fuck, that's another vision. This other version of me has been there before? And who the hell is this 'Ana'? She looked quite fine, but I have a feeling she was no longer around. The elevator eventually reached the lowest section of the tree and the doors opened.
"Get the fuck out before I go through with that threat, you nerd."
The student let out a 'eep' before rushing to call the elevator upstairs. I shook my head, but turned my attention to the familiar corridor. It was similar to what I have seen in that vision but also different. Some things were missing and the changes seemed to further turn the chamber into something of a containment area rather than what Ana was trying to create.
I was mid-way through the hall when something else came up in the form of-
Vision 412 'Natural Eulogy'
"I have to do this," Ana firmly muttered. "I promised them, these people- this curse can't be solved as easily as I predicted."
"Ana, that's not a-"
"It will work, John!" Ana snapped, sounding so angry and yet so sad. "I don't- I don't want to hurt you with this, but as Greater Lord Rukkhadevata, I have a duty to these innocents. I may be Anahita to you, Lumine and Dainsleff, but I am also a God and I have a job to do."
I bowed my head, upset by this happening.
"Which is why... I need you to be the one taking this burden from me once I am through," Ana remarked somberly. "Once I will be gone, someone else will be up for this. A child that will need some guidance through the first years of her life. You- I want you to take care of her."
I wanted to say more, I felt my throat stuffing up with so many unsaid questions, refusals- words in general. But only a few came out and those were not those I really wanted to utter... beyond the fact she looked so defeated. I knew how much she had been hoping to solve this issue without expending so much, but the damage caused by Deshret's madness.
I didn't want to let go, not again- but someone already made that decision for us both.
"...What will be her name?"
The sadness doubled at her tiny smile.
"Nahida."
I didn't notice that I had reached the center-room of the basement, I didn't notice that I had turned back to my human form, I didn't even notice that all the craziness in my head had subsided as the unpleasant feeling of suppressing that mindset wasn't touching me the furthest. Everything felt like a rush as I looked at the sphere and saw a single individual stuck inside, caged and enslaved to those craving greedily for wisdom that wasn't theirs.
I saw a responsibility that, while not mine by principle as I wasn't that John Bukharin, was meant to be my responsibility by morality alone. Like with Klee. I walked up to the sphere and saw her- she was so young, she was so fragile. Centuries-old or not, this girl didn't deserve any of that shit.
I left behind a message, I knew who was going to find it- I knew who was behind this sort of heinous situation- but I wasn't going to linger for long as I had to get her out of there. As the large detachment of guards rallying to try and catch me finally broke into the Akasha Terminal, forced to act as they saw their Systems breaking apart, they only found a destroyed sphere, most of the machines and tubes shattered and a single message.
One that quickly held a snarl and a growl from the one that saw the greatest loss from our escape.
"When il Dottore speaks, people doubts / If its true or wrong / And frequently, who listens / shall interrupt him with a bonk."*
AN
Monkey infiltrates Green Vietnamese Meta HQ, retrieves a rare Nahida-tier operative system, and leaves a certain Doctor to piss and shake in pure anger.
Translation of the phrase:
"Quando il Dottore parla, si dubita / Se รจ latino o basso bretone / E spesso chi lo ascolta / lo interrompe con un bastone"
Which is a 'description of how the 'Il Dottore' is seen in Theater, not as an intelligent man that knows what he is doing, but rather someone that prefers to improvise and lie for the sake of testing out products not even he knows can work or not on a patient.