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The following is a fan-based

FICTION

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Chapter 17: Crouching Qilin, Hidden Monkee

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When I woke up... I was riding on someone's back. I just had a dream... that today would be my first day of freedom.

Nahida's eyes opened to the noise of wind rustling the leaves around, the shades of trees covering most of the sun from her as someone was carrying her around, quietly and yet with a suave and familiar hum. She blinked a bit, her gaze blurred for a time as she felt that this was not a mere dream.

A feeling, that soon translated in assumption and, ultimately, became reality as the sense of touch felt as realistic as it could get, that her ears were catching on an unfamiliar cipher or a tune within the humming provided by the unknown being that was carrying her around. A yawn worked its way out of her mouth, and that was enough to draw the stroll to a slower pace as the humming stranger turned his head to look at her.

She was a bit surprised by the oddly 'familiar' glint in his amber-colored eye, and she blinked some more as her mind tried to recollect who this one was and... why she was no longer sealed away from the world- in fact, she felt they no longer were within the core of Sumeru itself. Still, her musing would have to wait as the being looked pleased to see her awake.

"Good morning, Nahida."

The voice was a bit squeaky, but it was the cheerfulness that drew a relieved smile. Somehow, this all made her feel at ease.

"Morning... mister."

"Oh, that's correct, I didn't get get the chance to introduce myself," He took a moment to straighten up his posture and clear his voice. "I am... John Bukharin, Human in a Monkee Body, Bonking Philanthropist and Tactical Neutral Chaotic Entity."

"Human... in a Monkey Body? Are you a... Hilichurl?" Nahida took a moment to let out what her thoughts were churning out by what she just heard, but before he could answer, she proceeded to list out other questions. "And Bonking... Philantropist? And that... last thing?"

Many times she would come to dislike confusing things like this introduction, but something about it made her less upset about it.

"Well, I was once a normal human but then awoke in the body of an illiterate entity such as a hilichurl. And I tend to bonk people in the pursue of spreading the light of common sense- also, I think it should be made clear I am not exactly a sane person in most occasions."

"...Are you sane right now?"

"Mostly so, yes," John replied, allowing Nahida to ease most of her worries. "Any other questions?"

"Yes, where are we and... were are we going?"

That was what really pressed her at the moment. She knew they were nowhere near Sumeru City and they were getting towards one of the borders."

"We are near the Chasm and we are going to Ming Chi- I mean, Liyue."

"Oh... Why?"

"Well, to be honest, it's because it's between Sumeru and Monstadt. That where's my home is."

She slowly nodded at this, but that's now what she was looking for.

"I mean, why are you taking me there? The people of Sumeru- I am their Archon-"

"And they decided to turn a machine meant for good in something that hurts you. That, my dear ward, is not acceptable, which is why I am taking you away from these morons."

"...Ward? Wait, why did you take me and... who are you to me?"

Finally her mind was breaking from the layers of sleepiness keeping it from building up reasonable thoughts and, John nodded.

"To be honest, I kind of discovered I have your guardianship since your pseudo-mom, Anahita, through the passing of a close... friend of mine. You are my kid now."

Many would be concerned by this explanation due to how limited, willingly generalized due to the lack of some context, and the fact he sounded so distracted by this but-

"You knew Greater Lord Rukkhadevata?"

"My friend did. He said that she was... she was a really good person despite the troubles she had to go through."

"Hm," Nahida nodded at this. "But wouldn't taking me away hurt the people of Sumeru? They need me-"

"No."

The harsh reply surprised the Dendro Archon, leaving her with a confused frown. "What?"

"Kid, these people have all been brainwashed with the notion that you are the cause of their current pains. You may be right, perhaps staying could yield something, but it wouldn't be a permanent solution and... your predecessor paid for giving them a chance. I think it's high time for them to face the truth," The human-hilichurl explained, sounding more 'clear' with his logic. "If they want to play the blame game, then they will no longer use you as the punching bag. And that's it."

She opened her mouth, but John interrupted her.

"It."

Her mouth closed in a grimace. She really wanted to oppose that view he had on the situation but... deep down she knew that those that were being controlled were so because of her imprisonment. If she kept around, there was a chance the corrupt sages would find a way to further go through their plans. She still had her gnosis, which was the most important thing right now as the Fatui were seemingly trying to obtain those from the other Archons.

Sighing, Nahida decided to merely look around and keep quiet, feeling that today had just began and that things weren't going to be as peaceful as she and her new 'guardian' wanted it to be.

-d-d-d-d-

Now that I was a lone DILF-tier husbando, I found myself having many duties towards my adopted daughter.

Such as taking breaks for her to eat, drink, rest a bit and then entertain with more words when she needed. Meanwhile I also used this brief stay by the Chasm to dig some minerals. There was a lot of rare shit on the surface and I had a feeling that the deeper one could get, the more rare stuff they can find. I wasn't exactly sure how though, but I had a few ideas to test out once we reached Liyue and had a 'base of operation' set there.

Going for a walk from Sumeru to Monstadt would be dreadful for many reasons. Such as potential cases of kidnapping. I doubt the KGB was going to forgive my little slight, [after all I left while giving the Tsaritsa the cold shoulder]. Which is why I wasn't going to try and get there by foot, but by ship. Making enough money, I should be able to hire a small fleet to make it to Monstadt without causing much of an issue from the Fatui, but probably end up causing a few diplomatic circumstances to browse about.

Still, all for the sake of get back to little Klee as I was immensely sure was truly upset for what happened to me. I could tell others would think of me death due to how ruthless Teyvatian Siberia could be, but I was a tough man [with tough feels]. So, more minerals I got, more business I could get around and higher the chances of getting back home without having to endure any issues.

There was one small obstacle between us and Liyue. A detachment of Fatui troops was cornering a creature they had netted up and were ready to fully capture. Now, when I say 'creature', I mean a large horse-like creature with floffy dull-blue fur, two black horns with red lines and clearly big as it was the size of a small hill. And that was by crouching.

Now, I get what you may think about this scene. John, are you going to let a wild animal that was fifteen times your size be taken by someone that was trying to screw with the save-and-rescue operations of the WWF? I mean, I already lost that card along the lines of murdering boars left and right, so I was tempted to leave it happen but-

"That's a Qilin! An Adeptus."

Now, I am not really strong when it comes to Liyue's meta-Chinese lore, but I knew two things: 1) Qilins were important in Late Qing era due to their rarity, beauty, wisdom and all shit; 2) Adepti were entities close to Rex Lapis, the Geo Archon. So, if we helped this specific creature to not be captured, then maybe we could do something to get the Geo Archon's favor. Like money, or golden ingots.

I nodded. "I'll take care of this."

I gestured to the girl to stand there while I took care of the business. I retrieved my club, I walked up to the kind gentlemen and stood right behind them. I cleared my voice, causing their attention to turn to me and some scoffed.

"What? A hilichurl? What is a runt doing here?"

"I don't know, why is your upper body more worked out than your lower body?" I asked back, most of the troops pausing in surprise at my response as a talking Hilichurl is quite 'rare'. I was 'exotic' and, potentially, 'highly-valuable'[. And I don't mean just on my penis' size].

"A talking- You think is funny, little runt?" The same guy that spoke, clearly the commander, asked as he tightened his battle-gloves. "I can show you how-"

I bonked his head, hard. I heard a crunch-like noise before the guy fell on the ground. The others panicked but started to attack me. I shifted faster than anything they could expect, bonking left and right, and taking care of the blasted summoners first before I ended up overwhelmed. The entire battle was as one-sided as one would expect. I was getting stronger, the Fatui were not prepared for someone like me and I had a lot of unconscious bodies littering the path as I was done with the last one.

I turned to the net, hearing the Qilin whining in clear discomfort due to the net and saw it was acting as a conduit for Electro energy. The source of it? Two crystals that were easy to smash up. Once the net was depowered, the Qilin easily shredded it and freed itself. It stood up, standing twice as tall as it was while netted and gave me a look from above.

I tilted my head to the side, and the Qilin mimicked the act. It was giving me the look of someone that was judging me so... I decided to cut the chase to what I really wanted now that I saw how really fluffy its fur was.

"Do you want a headpat?" I asked seriously, and the creature blinked a few times.

I would have expected the Adeptus to just scoff and walk away. I heard they were a bit 'prideful' about this sort of stuff, but the Qilin surprised me by lowering its head and letting me pat [the fuck out of that adorable cloudy fluff on its head]. It was an experience for sure, and I continued to rub that head nicely.

It got so adorable that the Qilin crouched down and then tilted on the side, gesturing with its head to rub its belly. I proceeded to do so and the chirping-purring noise it made melted my heart at the pure cuteness unleashed by such a majestic creature. I doubt cat will do for me anymore.

"John?"

I turned to the side and saw Nahida now standing beside me. "Hm, yes~?"

"Do you know that Qilin are intelligent creatures as much if not more than humans right?"

Were they? Oh I didn't know that and- Wait a minute.

"And that one is a girl," Nahida added, and I saw the creature's noises ceasing as she gave me a very smug look.

Rather than be annoyed, I grinned mirthfully and rubbed a bit more, causing her to shiver in bliss.

"Naughty~. But you got enough," I said while pulling back. "Now go before the Fatui wake up."

A little whine, but the Qilin nodded and leaned for a quick lick for my forehead before bolting away through the clouds.

"...You are not mad that she tricked you into-"

"Sometimes there are reasons for things to happen," I admitted calmly, interrupting Nahida as we resumed our walk. "And sometimes, there are fun situations that are just amusing to say no to."

The child could only give me an odd look, but decided against inquiring for more info as I offered to carry her for the rest of the walk. After all, those tiny legs can go so far before she tires out, Archon or not.

Liyue was soon in sight, and I could already tell that I had to get ready for what was to come. So[, channeling my inner awareness of Kung Fu Hustle], marched forward into the land of contracts, order, and prosperity.

AN

A Monkee soon to conquer Ming China! And no, the Qilin is not Ganyu, or her Mother. Never understood why there was a general lack of Qilins in Genshin, I want to touch the floff, but I can't- *Sadge Crai*