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The following is a fan-based
FICTION
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Chapter 29: Wet Noodles and Whipped Monkees
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Hello monke-enjoyers, Bukharin here.
It would seem like my chance to preserve my untainted brain from whatever shit the Hilichurl's form tended to give me was slipping out of my hands. Right as I boarded my little ship [which really isn't much of a 'yellow submarine' much to my deep chagrin over the musical leitmotiv], I could feel my sanity slipping away and I needed to get this shit done before the end of the boss battle theme currently growing in volume within my aching head.
I could already hear the need to hum Collective Consciousness from Metal Gear Rising, the itch to just rush to Osial and flip the water worms as if it was my ultimate Wrestling Rival. The warship took off from the docks, the workers manning the cannons were people that had once worked with the Treasure Hoarders and had some expertise with explosive handling.
Training with the guns took place at an undisclosed location, allowing them to be aware of what sort of projectile they were using against their opponent and how to aim with those big looking 'pea-shooters'. Yellow-green in color with a hue of pure natural Dendro exuded from its core, the seed-like 20mm bullets that the gun used were fired on an automatic 3-round burst.
It took a lot of Dendro Slimes' lives to get enough ammo in the crates to supply this brief skirmish and I knew this was not going to be useful against nothing more but the kind of monster that relied on Hydro and Electro. We either bombed the bitch, or we 'Grew' them. [Hellow, this is inflation management, the some furries are asking for you, Mr. Bukharin. And yes, I can afford this joke because I write commissions on FurAffinity on a monthly basis.]
Now, back to Osial [and the world of pain he has unwittling signed himself of by accepting all the shit written down in the Fatui contract of moral devastation]. The Jade Chamber had some impressive weaponry that was dealing some gucci damage on the barely-awakened God, but it wasn't enough to push it back properly. The weapons themselves, despite using 'Premium Bullets' were not of the right caliber. [You just can't kill a Pz.1000 Ratte with a M3 Stuart, people just need to learn this lesson while playing War Thunder].
So, the main 150mm gun with a super-duper-charged Dendro shot took aim and delivered a bit of a devastating bomb on the flank of the insane deity of the sea. [I could already that sweet EXP getting to-] Oh fuck, I am really losing my mind here. I thought it would have been more gradual as a decline, but the references are just getting insanely ridiculous now.
And where am I getting the War Thunder and Furry jokes from? What's the point of those?!
My human form was still the same, but it was clear that the first thing that was going was my mental capacity to hold back my references as my brain's good braincells was getting trashed and bullied by the stupid rambling of the monke side.
Despite that, my wits were as sharp as those could get-
"Keep on firing on that water noodle!" I exclaimed as I saw the result of a 150mm Dendro artillery round detonate and create slightly smaller bombs all around Osial- the God wasn't ready for the creeping barrage as it provided some reprieve to the Jade Chamber from the retaliating wet snake.
I mean, it's not like I needed that many neurons to handle this kind of order but... fuck, it's getting frustrating to keep my calm at this point. Hence why I started to go full ham on the damn noodle itself. I am not sure if Osial understood my growing irritation towards it, but he felt the pain of pure decimation via artillery barrage planned by a little God with a passion to make thing go boom when needed.
Nahida was literally beside me and was cheering on the soldier to keep on bombing Osial. I had a feeling that all this war-plotting made her develop a knack for delivering warfare. Which was concerning considering how meticulous she was in this sort of difficult tasks.
The brutality and the ruthless precision was not lost to me as she managed to improve morale within the ship by merely telling them they were doing a good job- she had effectively weaponized her cuteness to a worrisome extent. But it worked[, and the Geneva Convention doesn't exist in this realm of existence].
I thought the Jade Chamber would have been used to wreck Osial in this occasion too, but the combined firepower seemed to be enough to utterly decimate the Water God for good. Three more shots from the massive 160mm Dendro Cannon followed by the smaller calibers within the ship was just what was needed to weaken up the monster to ultimately force it to retreat and recover the damage it suffered.
I would have wanted to give chase and kill it, but the depths were just not approachable with the kind of ship we had. Maybe later once I managed to get my plan to build a submarine fleet done. It was going to take a few years, but I was going to torpedo that noodle to death rather than wait for his return.
Despite the progress made in decimating Osial, the Jade Chamber had to soon lower itself near the closest piece of land that wasn't the Harbor. The Guyun Stone Forest would do, and as the Chamber floated to its destination, I gave order to the ship to approach the slice of land they were landing to.
I remember being told by Cloud Retainer that the other Adepti had seen and remembered the John Bukharin she was familiar with, I just didn't expect for Mountain Shaper and Moon Carver to hound me a bit as I stepped out of the ship.
"I-It's really him!"
"This one can see as much, I am impressed- I thought Cloud Retainer had been fooled by a copy, but his chi-"
"Is not right," The elderly voice owned by 'Madame Ping' as the elderly adeptus that once was Streetward Rambler. "Yet, it will always be a joy to be reminded of the old memories of good. Hello, John Bukharin."
"T-That's John?" A squeaky voice pointed out and I turned to see.
"Oh, hello Pai-pai."
Paimon looked even more stunned at the familiar nickname. "I-It's you!"
I saw Aether standing beside the floating girl, looking a bit perplexed and-
I found my sight restricted by a wave of fluff coming from above as I got swarmed by a large qilin. I was about to squeal in delight when the very familiar frame of the Qilin 'melted' in a blue light right to a young woman with dark-blue hair combed into buns, two dark red horns on top of her head, ruby-red eyes. She was wearing red sleeveless chinese dress, black spats and black sandals.
"T-Tiantou! Stop annoying, Mr. Bukharin." I heard Ganyu nervously exclaim at her... cousin?
"It's him! I knew it and-"
Right as she said that, my body flashed purpled and 'puffed' into my usual monkee self.
Well, it was good until it lasted.
"IT'S HIM!" The Qilin Girl squealed before nuzzling me up in one of the most intense cuddle sessions possible. Some chin-scratching was enough to tame her, but boy was she affectionate even in her human form. At least now I had a name to rely on and...
I also noticed a shadow over me. A certain fake cat-girl was giving me a stinking glare as she eyed me from above.
"John... do you have something to tell me?"
I blinked, feeling a sense of dread and far too many reason for her to be pissed in this very situation. So, I decided to go for the most generic counter-measure.
"Uh... you know you look super-gorgeous when you glare someone from a moral high ground?"
"My office, one hour from now. You better not be late," She said sharply, turning and leaving. I have failed to appease her, but I have a feeling there was going to be more than words shared in that situation.
"Ah! Whipped!" Beidou exclaimed beside Ningguang.
I scoffed, enjoying the cuddle some more. "Says 'Ning-Ning's Pirate Mommy'."
The shocked look on both women's faces was legendary, and I could tell from the confused looks mustered by the rest that I had hit quite a 'tense nerve'.
Still, now I had to deal with Keqing's situation... and I have yet to do the boning I promised Rexy...
AN
John's sexual 'IOU's will now get repaid. First comes, Keqing as she has a bit more on her plate than John and the audience is aware about. After all, she did 'something' while John was 'missing' that kind of left her in a mental state which isn't helpful in handling a crisis.
And Ganyu... well, Ganyu is somewhat implied to all of this!
Tiantou's Reference is actually Ch'en (Ageless Afterglow) from Arknights.