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The Energy of Sun Rays

Carrie: Fine

Lee stopped short as the door closed, his coat half-off. "What happened to you, Jamie?"

He sighed and shrugged. "I fell down."

"Is that your story?" Finishing with his coat, he looked pointedly at the bandaged wrist. "You forget to keep your thumb outside your fist when you threw those punches?"

"Lee," said Amanda. "He didn't throw any punches. He fell on it after being pushed down. We've already talked it through."

"You were pushed down? Why?"

"I said we've already talked it through. I'll tell you about it later."

He shot her a disbelieving look before relenting. After taking off his coat, he shook Joe's hand before crossing over and greeting Amanda with a kiss. "Hi, beautiful."

"Hey, big fella."

Their eyes locked, both sets dancing, for a moment before he turned away and pulled Carrie up off the couch into a quick hug. "Hello to you, too. What's that fantastic smell?"

"Oh, my goodness!" she cried as she remembered what she'd been doing before Jamie came downstairs. "It's going to burn!"

Turning, she raced into the kitchen toward the oven. Fortunately, the casserole had only been in there for about five minutes too long; its color had darkened, but she was able to slide the fork in easily and nothing was actually burnt. She'd already chopped the bacon and shredded the cheese, so she should have been able to start work on the topping immediately, but her hands were shaking so badly that she knocked the bowl of cheese over onto the counter. "Oh, damn it!"

Hands slid around her waist. "Calm down and take your time. It's all right."

"It's not!" She pulled free from Joe and began sweeping her hand across the counter, pushing the spilled cheese into a single pile. "I'm lucky I got to it in time, but we're still at least fifteen or twenty minutes from eating and the mood out there already isn't good and having a bad dinner would only make that worse. I don't even know if any of them are going to like this, anyway, and —"

"Carrie." Taking her hands, Joe turned her around. "Marie-Caroline. They've already moved on to talking about Christmas decorations, chérie. And even if they don't like it, no one's going to shout or curse at you. Not here. I won't allow it." His lips brushed her forehead. "Neither will Amanda."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, holding it a moment before she exhaled. "All right. But I do want to finish this as quickly as I can."

"Is there anything I can help you with? Something else you need?"

"No. Well, yes. See to everyone in the living room and let them know how much longer it's going to be?"

"That's fine. I can do that." He gave her another kiss. "And dinner's going to be fine too."

Forty-five minutes later, she had bitten the inside of her lips so much that they'd begun to bleed. Dinner wasn't fine. Or, at least, everything felt more than slightly odd. The conversation, while genial, was superficial and full of awkward silence, as if it was being forced. Joe, Lee, and Jamie all cleaned their plates, but Amanda kept cutting her casserole into smaller bites, moving it around the plate, and nibbling on the salad. Carrie wondered if anyone else had noticed the pretense.

Lee met her eyes from across the table, and she flicked hers to Amanda's plate before looking a question back at him. He answered with one of his half-smiles before breaking eye contact, dropping his eyes to his food so that he could take a large bite. "This is great, Carrie. Thank you for making enough to feed all of us."

"Of course," she answered automatically, frustrated at still being left in the dark. Clearly, he knew something, but his expression hadn't been enough for her to tell whether it was good or bad. It reminded her about how they'd all kept their silence about the exact nature of Lee's and Amanda's jobs. Annoyance crept across her shoulders. Why didn't anyone in this family trust her?

After dinner, Lee and Jamie helped her clean up before they all settled back into the living room. Joe had gotten a fire going, and when she sat on the couch next to him, he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close and dropping a kiss at her hairline. "I told you," he whispered. "Everything was fine."

Carrie felt herself begin to relax, especially after she glanced over and saw that Lee and Amanda were sitting close together on the love seat. Whatever tense undercurrents were there didn't seem to be occurring between them, or between her and Joe.

They were still definitely there, though, and she wondered when — or even if — they would come out.

Sighing deeply, she laid her head on Joe's shoulder as they all watched the fireplace and enjoyed the ambiance. Jamie got out the cards and took up residence on the floor, using his good hand to lay them out for solitaire.

The first two games went fine, but then the cards started refusing to line up during the third hand. By the time he finished the fourth, he was actively grimacing, his mouth a thin line.

"Hey," said Joe from beside her. She could feel him speaking just as much as she could hear it. "Your hand hurting again?"

"No."

"The cards, huh? Why don't you pick that up and we can do Crazy Eights instead."

"We can't," said Amanda as she stirred from her position beside Lee. "This is nice, and Carrie, dinner was lovely. If you hadn't told us it was a little overcooked, I never would have guessed. But we can't stay late tonight. We're having company over later." At Jamie's expression, she leaned down toward him. "I'll want a rain check, Sweetheart. We'll definitely be playing Crazy Eights this weekend if we don't do it before then."

The corners of his lips quirked. "I guess. Who're you having over tonight? We still haven't put up the tree, and Christmas is next week."

She and Lee exchanged a glance. "Just some friends," she answered.

"And, ah, we're going to finish with our tree while they're over," continued Lee. "It's not much of one, since most of the decorations and ornaments are still packed away —"

"You're doing the tree without me?" Jamie winced as he pushed to his feet. "But we always do the tree together!"

"Jamie," said Amanda. "This isn't really our tree. It's just a little tabletop tree we picked up for our apartment, and a few small ornaments to go on it. Since we're having Christmas over here with Joe and Carrie —"

"What about Christmas dinner?"

"I'm planning to make that," said Carrie, hoping she could redirect him before things got out of control again. "Although I'm going to need your help. In fact, we should start planning the menu tonight."

"Menu? What menu? We always have the same thing. Roast goose and cranberry sauce and green bean casserole with corn pudding and then homemade pies. None of that's all that hard. Why can't we have that?"

"Because it's different this year," answered Amanda. "It's —" her voice caught, but it didn't quite break. "Your grandmother always made the roast goose, and this year, that's just…that's just a little too much. We'll make it another year, but for this Christmas it's better if we do something a little different."

"A little different?" He was breathing heavily now. "Everything's different now! I know, Phillip and Grandma are dead, and we're living in these townhouses, but you — you're not keeping up with anything we used to do! It's almost like you're trying to forget them or something!"

Amanda fell back against the couch cushion, a stricken look on her face, but he didn't seem to notice.

"Why can't we do something the way we always have before! Can't we just be normal for one night and do one thing like decorating the tree all together?"

"James," began Joe, speaking slowly. "To begin with, we have to make some changes just because we're not at the house in Arlington this year —"

"We could be! Mom hasn't sold it yet."

"But you've already moved out. Besides, everything changes over time."

"Over time!" he yelled back. "Not all at once. And not because of this!" He flung his hands out, the gesture encompassing all four of them. "I know, I know, I've been staying here, but I have a room over there and I'm supposed to be moving back after the holidays are over except that now I'm going to have to go to a different school where I don't even know anyone and then I hear you're doing things without me as if we aren't a family anymore and…and…" he was spluttering now, tears running down his face. "It's not that I don't like you, Carrie and Lee, but I just wanted something to be the same and maybe the way it always has been!"

Silence greeted the outburst.

Carrie allowed herself a steadying breath before she spoke. "There's still a lot that's the way it always has been, Jamie. Your parents still love you. We're still doing Christmas together as a family, even if it's in a different place. And I…" she trailed off, turning to Amanda. "Maybe you could give me your recipe. I'll make the goose and cranberry sauce and the other things he's listed. That could help."

"Oh, I'd love to, but —"

"It's not her recipe!" Jamie interrupted. "It was Grandma's. She and Aunt Lillian always made the goose and they argued about it the whole time but it was always perfect." He wiped his face angrily, seemingly ignoring the wrappings on his arm. "That's what I want. Grandma's recipe, and if you were really a part of this family you'd have already know that's who always did it!"

The words hit her like a gut punch, and she understood why Amanda had fallen backward earlier. Carrie found herself fighting the same thing, even as Jamie dashed up the stairs.

Joe turned toward her. "I'm sorry. I —" but he was clearly distracted when Amanda ran up the stairs after Jamie.

"Go to him," she forced herself to say. The words came out in a choked whisper. "I'll still be here."

He gave her a last unhappy look as he followed his ex-wife.