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The Energy of Sun Rays

Lee: Selfish

Lee followed Amanda and Joe at a run, but he found himself yanked around by the hand just before he got to the steps.

"No," said Carrie. "Don't."

"But —"

"Don't." She was panting slightly, although he couldn't tell if it was from exertion or emotion. "You'd only make things worse. So would I."

He opened his mouth to argue, but then the words sank in, and he began pacing instead. "Damn it. I thought we were through dealing with this, but now he's been in another fi — okay, not a fight. But something."

"Something." She told him what had happened. "Jamie's also upset because they're transferring him now, instead of waiting until the end of the school year."

"What?"

"We're in Swanson's district, so that's where he's going to go after the holidays."

"When did this happen and why wasn't I a part of the conversation?"

"Because you're not his parent." There was a slight emphasis on the last three words. "Joe and Amanda made the decision just this evening, before you came over. The students who taunted him today weren't the same students who had done so before."

The skin under Lee's collar began heating up. "And they're just transferring him out instead of demanding the school do something?"

"No. Or, at least, Joe sounded like he wants them held accountable. I haven't yet had a chance to ask." She laid a hand on his arm. "It's the right decision, Lee. Jamie's relationships with his peers have been too damaged to send him back to Arlington Heights. It would just be one confrontation after another for the rest of the school year. Better to transfer him out now instead of doing it mid-semester, after it gets worse. It's less disruptive that way."

Lee's fists clenched, but he made the effort to force them back open. "I…I guess that's what's right for him, then. I…I just wish I hadn't been kept out…"

"If it makes you feel any better, I wasn't a part of the conversation either, even though I was in the room where it happened."

He sighed, sitting back down on the love seat. "That's a part of step-parenting, isn't it? They…I've heard it can be hard to do this. To step back when you're supposed to, I mean. It's not always as easy as it sounds."

"No." Mirroring his actions, she sat down on the end of the couch closest to him. "It's not. Even when you know it's coming." A rueful tone crept into her voice. "All of the experts on step-parenting say that the best thing to do is to love them as if they're your own. Then they say that you have to remember they aren't, and you have to be especially careful to…"

"…avoid trying to replace the biological parent," he finished with her. "No matter how much you might disagree with what they're doing. Er, um, what they were doing. Weren't doing. Did in the past before they came back —" This wasn't coming out right. "I'll stop digging this hole before it's any deeper."

She chuckled, but her expression was still serious. "It's all right. It's nothing I didn't say to Joe myself when we started dating. But…" she trailed off. "Il y a autre chose, et je devrais vous en parler."

He felt himself tense. "En privé? Je n'aime pas cacher des secrets à ma femme."

"You can tell Amanda," she answered, still speaking French. "I switched over because of Jamie." She bit her lip. "We've been offered posts in Côte d'Ivoire, with the International Rescue Committee. We'd been hoping for Algeria, but the EAO couldn't place us together. IRC could, and they've agreed to let us come back to visit at least two or three times a year."

He sprang back up. "Are you two insane?"

"It's perfectly safe, and it's something we both want."

"You're going to just abandon your family even after everything that's happened here? I don't believe this!" He began pacing again. "Turn the offers down. There's got to be something you can do here in the States."

"We've already accepted them." She was also back on her feet. "It was our decision to make."

"You've already — how could you be so selfish?" His accent was slipping, but right now that didn't matter. "What are you going to do if Jamie needs his father?"

"Lee." Her tone became pleading. "Please. Try to understand. Joe needs to do this. So do I. If we didn't, we wouldn't be…us. I — I told you, when we first started dating, that I told Joe shouldn't have gone to Estoccia when his children were toddlers. But Jamie's in sixth grade now. He'll understand, and if it's a true emergency we'll be able to come back."

"And what about yours and Joe's children?"

"We aren't planning to have any. Not that it's any of your business."

"I suppose it isn't," he allowed, "but it is my business that you're going to hurt Jamie again. You really think it's going to be different just because, this time, he can understand that you're leaving him again?"

"That's not fair!" she exclaimed. "You and Amanda left him plenty of times when you were off on one of your cases! And you don't even tell the truth about where you are or what you're doing! What's going to happen when one of you gets kidnapped or, God help us, hurt or even killed, and he won't even be allowed to know why?"

The words hit him like a punch, and Lee dropped back down onto the love seat. Carrie turned away, busying herself with straightening the items on the tables and shelves. Her movements were jerky and uncoordinated, and she ended up knocking things askew as much as she did resetting them.

"Carrie," he said after she'd replaced a knickknack for the third time in a row. "Just sit down, will you?" It was only after the words came out that he realized he'd spoken them in English.

She complied, although she wouldn't look in his direction. There was a long, uncomfortable pause.

"When," he finally managed, switching back to French, "are you planning on breaking the news to him?"

"Soon." Her eyes trailed up the stairs. "He's not ready to hear it yet."

"You do know that he might not ever be? What if things aren't settled by the summer?"

"We'll have to tell him then."

"Don't wait that long. Tell him as soon as this blows over, once he's settled into — what's the name of that new school again?"

"Swanson."

"Swanson. Tell him as soon as he finds his footing there. Don't let it go any longer than that. Amanda and I…you know we kept our marriage secret for eight months. When it finally did come out, the way it came out, the way Jamie in particular had to learn about it…" he shook his head. "I can't think of a worse way for that to have happened. Not to mention that we never got to tell Phillip or Dotty." A lump rose in his throat. "And we're never going to be able to change that, either."

She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Lee, we're going to get through this. All of this, and all of us. It's going to take time, and strength, and a few more heartaches, but we can do it."

He felt his lips thin. "I guess. But, speaking of things not yet announced —"

The conversation was interrupted by the sound of Joe's and Amanda's footsteps on the stairs, bringing them both to their feet.

"Is he all right?" he asked, speaking English for Amanda's benefit.

"For now," his wife replied. Her face was pale; she was probably feeling queasy again. She didn't look too steady on her feet, either. No matter how many times she'd explained to him that these symptoms would pass, it still slid right under his skin every time he saw her like this.

"Are you all right?" he asked her.

"Yes. We need to go, though. We only have about fifteen minutes before Douglas and Francine get here."

He checked his watch, frowning at the hands' position. "Yeah, and we'll need to get out the —" he cut himself off. Carrie hadn't entirely been wrong; there had been too many secrets, and there was no longer a need for this one. "The case files," he finished.

"So this isn't a social evening," said Joe.

"No. Francine's been with the Agency for a long time, and Douglas is on loan from MI6. They've been partnered for this case. Since Francine really is a friend, we've set it up to look like a social evening in case the wrong people are watching."

"Which case?" asked Carrie.

"Mother's and Phillip's," replied Amanda. "Lee and I can't work this because of the relationship. Technically, we're not even supposed to know what's going on. Our supervisor…our supervisor knows it's not that simple, but we're trying to give him at least some plausible deniability."

Joe crossed over behind Carrie, putting his hands on her shoulders. "What can you tell us?"

"At the moment? We don't know much more than you do. There've been a couple of leads, and some trails to follow…" she trailed to let Lee help her into her coat. "But nothing has come of those yet. We're hoping we might get some news tonight, but there's no reason to expect that we will."

"And a lot of reason to think we're going to end up playing referee," Lee heard himself mutter as he remembered the last time they'd had a "social" evening with them.

"Which is," said Amanda, cutting him off, "why we need to get over there before they do. I…" she grimaced. "I think I also need to get something to calm my stomach."

Carrie's face crumpled. "Oh, no. I knew I'd burned dinner."

"No!" insisted Amanda. "Dinner was fine. I just — I've been under the weather the past few days, that's all. That's why I said I'd take Jamie to the doctor on Monday. I actually already have an appointment for myself, so we can just go at the same time. Carrie, I promise you, there was nothing wrong with the casserole. It's me, and it's minor, just enough that I need to get something for…I just need to make sure it isn't anything serious."

"Ah," said Carrie as she met Lee's eyes. "Well, thank you for coming over."

"Thank you," said Amanda as they opened the door to leave.

Lee hung back just a moment, though, returning Carrie's look and then flicking his eyes over to meet Joe's. "Nous n'avons pas fini d'en parler." We haven't finished talking about this. And they hadn't. Not by a long shot.