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The Energy of Sun Rays

Amanda: Out of Control

Dinner was meatloaf, which was always a favorite, but they all knew that they were there for a reason, so there was an undercurrent of tension not unlike the one that had been there several weeks ago. Carrie gave Amanda a sharp look when she skipped the shiraz he had brought out, making herself herbal tea instead. It took her a moment to realize the aberration: Lee hadn't offered her the wine.

Carrie, she realized, was a lot more observant than she'd initially given her credit for being. She also was accomplished at compartmentalization, given that there was no indication of the news she and Joe were going to be sharing.

"That's because they're not going to tell him tonight," Lee explained as they adjourned to the living room. "I asked Joe earlier. He says he doesn't want to steal our thunder."

She frowned. "When are they planning on telling him?"

"Soon. That's all he said. I think he wants to wait and let him adjust to our news tonight."

"You think?"

"There wasn't time to ask." Lee's lips thinned. "I didn't really want to listen to his stupid excuses anyway." He put his hand under her elbow and escorted her the rest of the way to the couch. They settled in, he with his wineglass, she with her mug, while Joe and Carrie took the wing chairs and Jamie dropped down to the floor, his back against one of the side tables.

"Jamie," said Joe. "There's a bench right there."

"I know. I like this fine."

"I'm glad you like it. Now please get up on the bench anyway."

Jamie shot him an exasperated look, but complied. At least, Amanda thought, Joe was getting better at being direct when dealing with children. While he hadn't been the best father before, he was making an honest effort now, and she appreciated it.

"All right," said Carrie, her voice mild, although it was clear she'd noticed the interplay. "Amanda, that was a fantastic meal, but Joe said you had something to tell us."

She looked at Lee. "Which one of us should start? I know you've been wanting to."

He smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, but I've never done this before."

She chuckled. "Okay. Well, Jamie, we were going to wait a little longer, but your father figured it out this evening and we didn't want to make him keep Carrie in the dark. Remember when I also went to the doctor the day I took you to get your wrist looked at?"

"Yeah?" He tensed.

"Well, it was because Lee and I had noticed something, and I wanted to find out for sure. Even then, it could've gone a couple of different ways, but I'm a little further along now and —"

"Just tell me, Mom."

What was that about being direct? "All right, sweetheart. I'm going to have a baby. We think sometime around the middle of August."

"A baby? Why?"

"It wasn't part of our plans, but —"

"Then why are you having it? You don't have to, you know."

"Jamie!" snapped Carrie, her voice uncharacteristically tight. "You don't ever say something like that to a pregnant woman. Ever! You need to apologize right now."

"Why? They just said they didn't plan it."

Beside her, Lee had gone rigid. She didn't blame him — she and her son were definitely going to have a one-on-one talk about this unbelievable callousness — but she managed to keep her voice even. "Unexpected doesn't mean unwanted, sweetheart, and babies have a way of coming on their own schedule. We…we had thought about maybe having children later on, when everything settles down and we're in our new house, but —"

"Am I going to have to share my bedroom again? With a little kid who's in diapers and who cries all the time and wakes up in the middle of the night and —"

"No," said Lee, and she was glad to hear how even his voice was, too. "You'll get your own room, Sport. We've planned that from the beginning."

"What, off to the side or something so you don't have to deal with me anymore?" He leaped to his feet. "Maybe the downstairs one when everyone else's rooms are upstairs, so you don't even have to think about me most of the time?"

Now Amanda did feel her temper fraying. "James Richard!"

"Well, you replaced Dad. You sold the house so we wouldn't have to remember Phillip or Grandma anymore. You moved us here so you could shove me over on Dad and Carrie whenever your job kept you out late! And then you moved my school in the middle of the year even when you said you wouldn't. Now you're going to have to spend all your time taking care of the baby!" He was crying now. "There isn't going to be any room for me anymore!"

"That's not true! You're always going to be my child!"

"Then why aren't you acting like it!"

All of her breath was gone. How could he even think that, after all the years she'd spent being the best mother she could? Yes, teenagers could be difficult and mean, but this was her son! She loved him!

"You," warned Joe, his voice rough, "are well past out of line."

"Well maybe I should be!" He whirled to face his father and stepmother. "Seems like you're the ones who've cared more about me ever since the accident! What if I were to come live with you permanently? That way I'd be out of the way the way they want me to be!"

"Now, you listen," began Lee hotly. "It isn't up to you."

"It's not up to you either!"

Carrie spoke up again. "Jamie, that wasn't ever intended to be permanent. It was just while your mother and stepfather moved."

"You mean you don't want me either? Then who does? Why am I even here anymore?" His voice had broken, and he was sounding like a little child. "I wish I'd died with Phillip and Grandma! That would've made it easier for everyone!" He looked around frantically. "Why isn't anyone answering me!"

Everything around Amanda was reeling, and this time, she knew it wasn't morning sickness.

Lee found his voice first. "Because we — we all love you so much that it hurts to hear you so angry and upset, and…and we want to make it better." His delivery was awkward, hesitant, but Amanda felt no small amount of pride trickle through her anguish. It was still so hard for him to verbalize his feelings with anyone other than her, and even harder for him to swallow his anger. "And we — God, Jamie, how could you ever think anyone would want to replace you? You're too…" His entire body was shaking. "You're — I —"

She squeezed his hand, and his return squeeze was so hard as to be bruising. "Lee's, right, sweetheart. None of us want to replace you. We've never even so much as thought about it."

"But that's not how you act. You're always running off and doing other things and leaving me alone and…" he trailed off, the crying becoming too hard for him to speak. "At least…at least Carrie's job doesn't keep her too busy to spend time with me. Why can't I go back over there?"

"It's just not a good idea," said Joe.

"Why? Kids go to live with their fathers all the time!"

"Yes, but not in this case."

"Or in other words, you don't want me either." The words were angry. The tone was broken and anguished. "Then who does?" Not waiting for any responses, he dashed back up the stairs, and the sound of his bedroom door slamming shook the walls of the living room.

"Well," said Carrie. "That wasn't how that could have gone."

"You don't say," muttered Lee. "Now what?"

"We definitely won't tell him about our assignment yet." She paused. "You know, I can take him back and forth to Swanson instead of making him ride the bus, and he might feel more seen that way. Is there any reason he can't come back over for a week or two, until everyone's calmed down enough to talk?"

Joe was shaking his head. "We don't want him to get too used to that."

"I'm only talking about a couple of weeks, Joe. He seems calmer when he's with us, and…" she trailed off with an apologetic look. "His behavior is better, too, probably because he's trying to impress me. We'll expect him to spend time with Lee and Amanda."

"And we'll make the time to spend with him," said Amanda, meaning every word. Her own child feeling this way about her…

Joe was still shaking his head.

"Joe," said Carrie. "Amanda's got to work through some things with Jamie. It might…he might appreciate not having to be in the same house with her after some of their conversations. It'll give him space to process. I'm only talking about a couple of weeks. No more than a month. I…he really needs it. And I think — I think Amanda will need space to process afterward, too."

The realization that she was right lanced through Amanda like a knife. How could another woman know her child better than she did?

Joe's expression was still dubious; so was Lee's, as the men exchanged a long look. But then they both took deep breaths and nodded.

"But only for a few weeks," said Joe. He stood up. "I'll go up and let him know." She, Carrie, and Lee looked anywhere but at each other while he climbed the steps and opened the door.

But then he appeared back at the top of the stairs, face pale. "Amanda, you'd better get up here."

She raced up but then stopped at the bedroom door, aghast. His room was a shambles, with things thrown everywhere and no few number of broken items. Jamie was curled into a ball on the bed, shoulders shaking. With a deep breath, she walked in and put her hand on his back. "Jamie, we're here. Can you look at us?"

Slowly, all too slowly, he uncurled. His face was streaky and red. "I'm sorry, Mom and Dad, I just —"

"I know," said Joe. "Pack a bag. You'll come stay with us tonight, and maybe for a few days while you and your Mom work things out so you can come back over here permanently."

"I'll clean up —"

"No," said Amanda. "I'll do it. I'll —" her throat closed.

Jamie got up then, and Joe wrapped his arms around her while they waited for him. He didn't offer her any empty platitudes, only a long moment of strength and understanding before speaking in a low voice. "This is way out of control."

"I know," she said dully. "I'll — I'll talk to Dr. Schiff in the morning. She's the Agency counselor Jamie and I have been seeing since the accident. I don't think she does intensive therapy, but she'll be able to recommend someone." She sniffled. "We'll need to go too, you know. You, me, Lee and Carrie."

He leaned back to wipe her tears. "We'll be there."