Trigger warning-feelings about miscarriage

Feb 13

Dorms, University of Colorado

Ivy wiped her eyes for the hundredth time that day. She wondered when her heart would stop feeling broken. It hadn't even been two months but it felt like forever.

She heard a knock on the door to her suite. Normally she'd just let Marley get it but she was at the library. Maybe the person would just go away.

After a third knock, she got up, tied her robe tighter around her waist and opened the door.

"Jared."

"Ivy, how are you?"

"I'm fine."

"You've been crying. Again."

"Jared, I just….I'd like to be alone."

"That's fine but I miss you. I text you and you don't respond. I call and it goes to voice-mail. We haven't been on a date since Thanksgiving. What's going on?"

"I've been busy with school."

She walked into the sitting area and curled up in a recliner. He sat on the loveseat across from her.

"Please tell me what's going on. I don't want to break up, if that's what you are thinking."

"I can't be with you, Jared. Not anymore."

He knelt in front of her and took her hand softly. "Why?"

"I lost him," she blurted. She couldn't keep it inside anymore.

"Lost who? I don't understand."

"I was pregnant, Jared!"

"What?" he asked, all the color leaving his cheeks. He was glad he was already sitting.

"Pregnant and now, I'm not. I lost our baby!"

"I didn't know. When, Ivy?" he whispered.

"Just before Christmas."

"That was six weeks ago."

"Six weeks, three days, four hours." She knew. Christmas was never going to be the same again.

"You said he?"

"I imagine him. It was too early to know but I think it was a boy. Oliver."

"You named him too? Why are you leaving me out of all of this? I'm his father! Was his father!"

She was surprised he was getting so emotional. But then, she wasn't at the same time. She knew about the baby only after losing him. Why shouldn't he get emotional? He lost someone too.

She squeezed his free hand as he wiped his eyes. "I was someone's dad."

"And I was someone's mom."

"I would have taken care of you, been there for you. If he had lived, I would have loved him too."

"I'm sorry, Jared. I'm sorry I lost him. I'm sorry I've ignored you. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you."

He stood up and pulled her into his arms. He really cared for her. He wasn't in love yet but he believed she was going to be part of his future.

"Are you alright, Ivy?"

"No. Mom says one day I will be but…it seems impossible."

"We'll get through it together."

"Now is your chance, Jared. You don't need to feel any obligation."

"I don't feel obligated, Ivy. I really care for you." He lowered his head and went to kiss her, but she moved away, crossing her arms.

"We can't."

"Kiss? You're my girlfriend. What's wrong with kissing you?"

She stepped back. Kissing led to other things and she never wanted to get pregnant again. Not when she could lose another child. Never.

"I can't, Jared. It's too soon."

"So we will slow down. Alright?"

"Just friends, Jared. That's all I can do."

He didn't want to lose her but if all she could offer was friendship, that's what he'd have to accept.

….

Chief's office, firestation

"What are you doing in my chair, Bouchard?" Nathan asked, a grin on his face, leaning against the doorway.

"Huh? Nathan?" Lucas was confused. "How…you're….I don't…"

"Finish your sentences, my friend."

"You're dead, Nathan. How are you here?"

"Dead? Maybe. But I'll always be with you."

"That's creepy."

"In your heart. Memories, Bouchard. You're always going to be my best friend. You're the one I trust to take care of my girls."

"I…"

"You love Beth. She loves you. If she can't have me, you're the best man for the job. I promise I'm good with it. Relieved really. You'll love her for the next thirty years at least. She won't be alone, holding onto the past."

"Dude…I didn't want to love her. I promise. I didn't want to take over as Chief."

"Lucas, I mean it. You're the best man for this job," he told him, gesturing to the office. "And you and Beth will be happy."

"I'll love her and the girls forever. I promise."

Nathan stood and squeezed Lucas' shoulder. "I have no doubt. Love you man. Have a good life."

"Please don't leave again. I owe you so much."

"No you don't."

"You saved my life and Lee's…you shouldn't have died. You're a hero."

Nathan was gone. "You're my hero, Bouchard. Live your life." It was a whisper but he'd always remember it.

Lucas sat up, confused. He was in his house, in bed, not the firestation. "Nathan."

A dream. That's all it was.

Lucas stood and walked over to his dresser, pulling out the top drawer. He opened the black box and smiled.

It was Valentine's. The day he would propose to Beth. This ring was a symbol of his love for her, his promise, and now, it felt like a symbol of Nathan's approval.

It was six am so he walked out into the kitchen to make tea knowing he wouldn't sleep anymore.

"Vannah?"

"Hi, Dad."

"Its so early. What are you doing up?"

He kissed her hair and started to heat up a mug of water in the microwave.

"Today's the day, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Beth is awesome and so are her daughters. It will be nice to have sisters."

She watched him making tea and thinking. "She will say yes, Daddy. I know she will."

"I know."

"Not to change the subject but can I talk to you?"

He removed his tea bag, throwing it away and then they walked over to the couch.

"What is it, honey?"

"I have a date tonight."

"Same boy?"

"No, different. His name is Finn Reynolds. He's my age and I told him I needed you to meet him before we went out. So he will be here at noon."

"Your age?" That's better than 18.

"Yes. He's a good student and he even takes college level courses so when he graduates he will have an associates degree in Accounting. Plus he's adorable." He watched Vannah's cheeks turn pink.

"Thank goodness. The answer would be no if he wasn't cute."

"Stop, Daddy." He chuckled and wrapped his arm around his girl.

"I love you, Savannah Bouchard."

"I love you too."

….

Elizabeth drank her coffee, thinking about Nathan a bit. They had many years of good memories on Valentine's Day. They always went out to dinner and he always bought her a single red rose.

"I love you, my Beth," he'd tell her. He was a good, strong, caring husband and father. He never failed to show the love he felt.

It was simple but always a confirmation that they loved each other deeply, loved their life.

She smiled again as she thought about Lucas. Again, such a good, strong, caring man and father to Savannah. He'd be a wonderful husband to her, she was positive.

Her phone buzzed and she grinned, answering the video chat.

"Hi, hon. I was just thinking about you."

"Oh yeah?"

"Mmhm." How he looked so sexy all the time, even at seven in the morning…

"Happy Valentine's, Beth. I'm looking forward to our date tonight."

"Me too but it's a shame to wait until tonight. Why don't you come over?"

"Van is here and she wants me to meet her date. Why don't you come over here?"

"I don't want to be in the way."

"Trust me, you would never be in the way."

"Will you come, Beth?" Savannah asked, peeking into the camera.

"Of course, sweetheart. What time?"

"He will be here at noon."

"Alright. See you soon."

"Love you, babe," Lucas said, touching his lips and pressing his fingers to his camera."

"Love you."

…

Upstairs

"You seriously have to work, Tim? It's Valentine's."

"Allie, I'm so sorry. Flynn is sick and with Miller and Chief off, I'm expected to be here."

"I can't believe on our first Valentine's together, we won't be together."

"Wait, I have an idea. Why don't you come to the station? I'll make you dinner that way at least we won't be apart."

"But won't the other guys be there?"

"Yeah, but I can make sure we have privacy."

She was quiet for a moment. "Okay. What time should I come?" Beggars can't be choosers after all.

"6pm?"

"Alright. I'll see you then."

Allie looked at the proverbial "little black dress" hanging on her door. Maybe a bit too much for a dinner at the firehouse but, she felt amazing in it so that's what she'd wear.

She heard a knock on her door.

"Come in."

"Hey, sweetie. I'm heading over to Lucas' house for lunch. But in the meantime, did you want to go to the bookstore with me?"

"Yes! Let's go. I'd like some coffee too."

"Great."

"So what are you and Uncle Lucas doing for your date tonight?"

"I'm not sure. At the very least dinner."

Allie knew he was going to propose. She just wasn't sure what Aunt Beth knew about it.

"Dinner will be nice."

"What are your plans?"

"Dinner at the firestation. It's not ideal but if I want to see him tonight I had to agree."

"It could be romantic."

They grabbed their coats and headed to the garage. "How?"

"He could add a couple candles, lower the lights, pull your chair out, turn on some music…"

"That does sound nice."

"And there's nothing that says you can't help him out with the romance too. Maybe take him a gift, give him a compliment, make him dessert."

"Maybe I will." His favorite dessert was apple cobbler with vanilla ice cream. She could make that. "Do you mind if we stop at the grocery store?"

"Not at all."

….

Elizabeth took a container of freshly made oatmeal cookies to Lucas' home just around noon.

"Hello?" she called, walking in his door.

"Hi, Beth!" Savannah greeted, walking over and giving her a hug. "Mm cookies."

"You like oatmeal?"

"Yes, especially soft ones."

"Great. Maybe Finn will like them too."

"What about me?" Lucas teased, walking over to kiss her. "Don't I get cookies?"

"I suppose."

"Hi." Elizabeth grinned up at Lucas, a blush on her cheeks.

"Hi." He bent down for another kiss.

Savannah rolled her eyes. "I'll just wait on the porch for Finn."

"Its freezing out there. Beth and I will go into the kitchen for a moment."

He took her hand and led her there, placing the cookies on the counter before leaning her back against the counter to kiss her again.

"I missed you," he mumbled, moving his lips to the soft, sensitive spot behind her ear. She gripped his strong arms as he continued to find more sensitive areas.

It had only been about fourteen hours but she had missed him too.

"Sweetheart," she whispered, pulling back.

"Beth…"

"Doorbell. Finn is here. We need to stop so we don't embarrass Savannah."

He sighed with one more kiss and then they walked to the other room to meet Finn.

"Dad, Beth, this is Finn Reynolds. Finn, my dad and his girlfriend."

"Nice to meet you, sir, ma'am," Finn said, shaking their hands.

"You too, Finn," they said.

"Why don't we have a seat?" Elizabeth said, leading the way.

"Beth made oatmeal cookies. Did you want some?"

The two couples chatted over cookies and milk for a bit and then they decided to have some sandwiches and chips for lunch.

Finally, about three o'clock, Finn left, then Vannah headed back to her mom's.

"So, what should I wear on our date tonight?" Elizabeth asked scooting closer to him on the sofa. Alone in the house with her love. It felt right.

"Well, our date is in two parts. So bring warm, not formal clothes for the second part. For dinner, definitely wear a little black dress."

"I was going to wear red."

"Red is good."

"Are you sure?"

"Beth, the color of your dress isn't important. I just want to spend the evening with the woman I love."

"Sweet man."

"I'm glad you came today. It's hard for me to see Van growing up. Dating? Ugh. How is she old enough to date?"

"I know. It's hard to accept sometimes. You did a good job with her and Finn though. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, babe."

"Well, I'm going to go." She started to stand but he grabbed her hand and gently pulled her down again, this time on his lap.

"Just stay a little longer?" He wasn't ready for her to be out of his line of sight just yet.

She nodded. "Monday I have an appointment to start the passport process."

"That's good." She shivered at the sensation of his fingertips, rubbing circles on her back.

She reached up and stroked his beard with her fingertips. "I love your beard."

He smirked and held her closer, nuzzling her cheek. "You smell good."

He was so glad that tonight was the night they'd officially be engaged. He was struggling to wait to take the next step and now at least there was an end in sight.

"Luke?"

"Hm?"

She kissed him and then relaxed. "Nothing. Just happy Valentine's."

"Happy Valentine's."

….

Don't hate me for stopping here….the big date night/proposal is on the horizon

…..