trigger warning-Grief from miscarriage*

Six weeks later, Beginning of May

Ivy stood at the window in Dr. Yost's office, like she did most appointments. She liked to watch out the window as she talked about her feelings.

"It's been almost six months," she mentioned. "I feel like I'm finally coming to terms with losing him."

"I'm proud of you, Ivy. You've come so far in not even two months."

"Thank you."

"Have you spoken with Jared? You mentioned last week that you wanted to get in touch with him. See how he's doing."

"I texted him but I haven't heard anything. I don't really blame him though. I basically friendzoned him." Not basically. She did exactly that.

"He's grieving too. He lost someone too."

"I contacted him, Dr. Yost. I can't force him to talk to me." She knew what Dr. Yost was saying, without actually saying it. She should try again. She only texted him twice over the last six weeks. At the time she was a bit relieved that he hadn't responded. Less pressure that way.

"Have you figured out how you are going to say goodbye to Oliver?" Dr. Yost asked softly. Ivy appreciated her demeanor.

She had been researching different ways to say goodbye on the internet and one stuck out to her.

"I'm going to get a tattoo."

That was so not an Ivy Grant thing to do. It was a Marley thing to do.

The difference was, she wasn't the same Ivy anymore. She was a new Ivy. One that had to grow up faster than anyone should have to. She was a mother and always would be even if Oliver had never taken a breath. Yes, a tattoo would memorialize that wonderful little boy that she loved more than anything.

It would be a date with the initials O.N.G and a halo. Oliver Nathan Grant. It would reside right over her heart, right where he would always be.

…..

Elizabeth's house

She sighed, looking at the guest room that Allie had moved out of. She and Lucas had discussed moving into his house because it was a bit larger but she also loved her house. It was the perfect size for just her and him. Vannah didn't stay with them all that often. However, when it came down to it, Elizabeth wanted to have a new start and that included moving in with her new husband in about 7 weeks.

"Babe?" Lucas said, walking in her house.

"Guest room," she called from down the hall.

"Hey, what are you up to?" he asked, leaning in the doorway.

"Thinking about you."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." She walked up and kissed him slowly, letting out a little, "mm" at the end.

"I love you."

"I love you right back."

"So I didn't think you were coming over until later, honey," she told him, sitting on the bed.

"We need to chat."

She patted the bed and he sat and threaded their fingers together.

"Hon?"

"I need to go to London. I know Mom said that it was too far to go if Dad continued to do well, but she needs help. They have to get him into a rehab facility and then he needs some work done in the house so when he can come home, its wheelchair accessible."

"Of course you need to go, Luke. He's your dad."

Almost seven weeks before, Helen had called and told him that Martin had a stroke and was on a ventilator. He had made huge strides since then, but he would be in a wheelchair now. At the age of 68.

"I might be gone for a few weeks."

"That's fine."

"Babe, I feel pulled in two different directions. I want to be here with you and help plan the wedding but..its my dad, you know."

"Lucas," she said softly, cupping his handsome face in her hand. "Your mom needs you. Of course, I need you too but I can plan the wedding. I will take Ivy with me or Allie to pick out flowers and cake tasting. Then you'll be home."

"I need one more favor."

"Name it."

"Maybe include Vannah? She would love to be a part of all of this."

"Absolutely, I'm sorry I didn't think of that. When is she supposed to be staying with you again?"

"Next weekend. I can ask Josie to keep her."

"Nonsense. She can stay here with me. I'd love that."

"She would too."

"Good. Its settled then."

Elizabeth stood up, but he pulled her back down. "Thank you, Beth. For making this easier."

She winked and kissed him. "It's my job, love. I am your partner. I'm here to help you."

"I'm so blessed."

Lucas yawned and stretched his neck and shoulders. Elizabeth got up on her knees behind him and massaged his shoulders. They were tight and strong and she got goosebumps.

"Honey, relax. Maybe you should take a nap."

"Only if you take one with me." She peeked around at his face. "I'll be good. I swear."

She laughed and started massaging again. "Alright. I'll take a nap too."

"Great!" He climbed up on the bed and opened his arms. She giggled like a much younger woman and laid down, her head over his heart.

"Mom?"

Ivy walked in a few minutes later, just as Lucas dozed off. Elizabeth put her finger to her lips and got up, trying not to jostle Lucas.

"Beth? Where are you going?" he mumbled, opening one eye.

"Go back to sleep, hon."

"You okay, Ivy?" he asked, half awake.

"I'm okay. Go back to sleep, Uncle Luke."

"Okay."

Elizabeth joined Ivy in the living room and sat on the couch. "I'm sorry to interrupt your nap. I didn't mean to."

"Sweets, its fine. What's up."

"I'm going to get a tattoo."

"You are?"

"Yes. Would you go with me?"

"Of course. When are you going?"

"Next week I think."

"Just tell me when and it will be a date."

Ivy curled up into Elizabeth's side and leaned on her shoulder. "I'm ready to let him go, Mom."

"Oliver?"

"Yeah. I will always love him, but I need to move on."

She kissed Ivy's forehead and let a tear or two fall. "I'm so proud of you, Ivy."

"Thanks, Mom."

"And then, in the fall, I'm going back to school. I want to be a grief counselor."

"Did I mention I'm proud of you?" Elizabeth asked, hugging her tighter.

"I think so, yes." Ivy had the urge to giggle but she just smiled. Giggling just felt wrong right now.

"Well I am." They sat quietly for a few minutes and then Elizabeth spoke again. "Are you up to help me and Vannah and maybe Allie plan some wedding stuff? I'll even see if Marley can come down and we can have a few girl's days. Luke has to go out of town for a few weeks so I need some assistants."

"I'm there!"

"Great."

"And I'm moving in with Marley in her new apartment while you and Lucas are away on your honeymoon."

"You don't have to, you know. We'd be happy to have you stay."

"No offense but it would make me uncomfortable to live with newlyweds."

"I get that, just know that we will miss you."

"I'll miss you too, but it's time for me to be the new me."

"New you?"

"Yeah. I'm different now. I've lost my father, now my son. I will always carry them with me but its changed me."

Elizabeth hoped that Ivy would find a way to be happy again. That's all she wanted for her children.

…..

The next day, Ivy drove up to campus and the dorms to see if Jared was around. She thought that maybe an in person conversation would be better than a text.

She knocked on his door and waited. "Coming," someone mumbled from inside. A female someone. Crap, she didn't know if she was ready for him to have moved on. She had never even thought about that. Of course he was free to do so. She told him they could only be friends.

"Can I help you?" a girl said, about Ivy's age, in a t-shirt and shorts.

"Is Jared here?"

"Yeah," she said, opening the door so Ivy could see him. Laying in bed asleep.

"Jared?" Ivy said, stepping in. "Jared, we need to talk."

"Huh?" He sat up, running his fingers through his hair. "Lacey, what are you doing here?" he asked the girl in the shorts.

"She stayed with me," Connor said, Jared's roommate. Phew. Okay, so Jared didn't move on.

"Ivy?" Jared asked, getting up. "I'm surprised you're here."

He started to put his arms out to hug her but then he stepped back.

"Can we get some coffee? At the cafe?" Ivy suggested.

"Yeah. Let me get dressed."

She sat down on the chair by the door to wait. He pulled on jeans and a t-shirt and was literally ready in two minutes.

They walked out of the dorms and down the sidewalk to the cafe they had gone to countless times while they were dating. He ordered her her usual, a white chocolate mocha, and himself a chai tea and they sat down.

"I..texted you but I didn't hear anything from you," Ivy said quietly.

"When?"

"About six weeks ago. I just wanted to know how you were doing."

"I'm okay."

"Just okay?"

"Yeah. How are you doing?"

"My therapy is helping a lot. Having someone to talk to about it."

"You could have talked to me, Ivy. You could have always talked to me. You could have told me when it happened, not weeks after. You could have talked to me instead of leaving school and moving home."

"I needed not to be judged, Jared."

"I never judged you. We were both to blame in this situation."

"There's no blame. I got pregnant and lost our child. Its not either of our faults."

"I only meant that we were in this together until you stopped seeing it that way."

He stood up, grateful for to-go cups. "I can't do this here. I can't sit here with you, listening to how you've been doing better when I'm drowning here. Do you understand how guilty I feel?"

He shook his head and walked away. She grabbed her coffee and followed him.

"Jared, please don't walk away. We can talk now."

"What's if its too late?"

"Its not. Talking helps, Jared. Please let's do this."

He turned and looked at her. She was a lovely person, inside and out. That was what he fell for. Her heart was pure.

"Tell me why you feel guilty, Jare. Please."

She held out her hand to show him she was willing to be a team in this one, even though that scared her.

He looked down at her hand and shook his head. "It's fine. I heard you. Just friends."

"Jare, I'm trying to be your friend. Will you let me in?"

"I did let you in. You pushed me away. If you want to talk and you think that will fix things, then lets do it. But, I can't hold your hand, Ivy. Not anymore."

They walked to a park not too far away and sat down on a bench. They watched families walk by, little kids playing with other little kids or dogs. They sat silently.

"Why do you feel guilty, Jared? I've never blamed you for anything."

"You didn't have to make me feel guilty. Honestly, maybe guilty isn't what I'm feeling. Cheated is a better word."

"Cheated out of what?"

"Being a dad for the first time. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. When I became a dad, it was supposed to be once I had finished college, had a steady job, met a woman and fell in love, had a house. None of those things happened. Instead, I didn't even know you were pregnant and then poof…it was gone. There was a baby, my baby, and then he was gone. Cheated. Yes. That's how I feel."

"I understand how you could feel that way."

"Do you?"

"No. Not cheated."

"So what do you feel?"

"Sad. Incomplete. Hollow. Guilty."

"I don't understand the incomplete part."

"He was ripped away from me before I could meet him. I feel like he's still with me even though he's not. I was his Mom. Even though we made our choice and it resulted in a pregnancy that didn't survive, I feel like I was supposed to be his mom, even for just a week or two." She looked out at the families running around. "He was supposed to be mine, Jared. That's the only way I can explain it. I'll always be missing a piece of my heart now."

"I don't know how to feel different than I do," he admitted. "I don't know how to move forward."

"Dr. Yost said saying goodbye has helped a lot of people who lose someone they love. It even helped Lucas when my Dad died. He said goodbye and that helped him move forward. So I decided that I'm going to too. I'll say goodbye, I love you, and you'll always be with me, but I need to let you go."

Jared wiped his cheeks. "How?"

"I'm getting a tattoo. Maybe that would help you too. We could do it together."