Arc 1: The American Psycho [VI]

Chapter: Lucky Amateur.

"You must think I am some kind of pervert." Hikigaya said out loud.

CJ was stretched out on the sofa, still passed out. The gangster's silenced pistol was now hidden in the confines of Hikigaya's suit pocket. Mrs. Yor Forger was in the other room, taking her time, getting dressed. Her last words, something about the way she said them had struck him as terribly odd. As such, he had gotten up and started snooping around. In case she became suspicious, he decided to start a conversation. Mrs. Forger seemed to have the same idea.

"You must think the same of me." Came her response from the other room. "After all, I'm married. I have a daughter. Yet, I invited a stranger to my hotel room."

Hikigaya found the first listening device in a bowl of fruits kept on the coffee table.

A rookie mistake.

For some reason, he was feeling quite hungry, so he picked up a banana from the bowl and started peeling off the skin. "Think nothing of it." Hikigaya replied. "After all, you are just a woman doing her job."

There was something in her voice, a certain note of resignation. "Oh, so you think I'm a prostitute?"

"Not really." Hikigaya bit into the banana and talked while chewing. "I think you are an assassin."

Absolute silence.

Hikigaya continued. "I need to take a strong, hard look at my own personal biases. Of course, there was a fifty-fifty chance that the assassin could be a woman. Why didn't I think of that possibility at first?" He said to himself. "I blame the Liquid Luck potion. It messes with your mind."

Mrs. Forger's voice cracked. "Potion? What are you talking about?"

"Felix Felicis. Better known as Liquid Luck. It's a potion. I have taken it." He found a tiny spy camera in an electrical outlet.

The work of a professional.

Hikigaya mumbled a soft 'hurm' which couldn't be heard by anyone else. To the assassin, he said. "Magic is real, Mrs. Forger. Whether you choose to believe it or not, I leave that upto you. How else do you explain not beating the shit out of me when I spanked you in the ass? Oh, before I forget, I would like to apologize. It wasn't my intention to misbehave with a married woman. I just wanted to make sure that the effects of the Liquid Luck potion were still at work. You, not lifting a single finger - no hitting, no slapping, no killing - told me I have nothing to worry about."

The silence was almost deafening. CJ mumbled something unintelligible, but he was still out of it, trying to get a bit more comfortable on the sofa. There was a small crash, something being knocked onto the floor. Hikigaya stopped snooping around and faced the entrance leading to the other room.

"Mrs. Forger? Are you alright?" He couldn't help but feel a bit worried about the woman.

"I'm fine. I just bumped into something." A cute hiccup was heard. "I think I am a little bit drunk. But please, continue what you were saying. And if you don't mind, could you please tell me how you figured out that I am an assassin. If possible, I would like to fix my mistakes and do a better job on my next target."

There wasn't a hint of sarcasm in her voice. Mrs. Forger was being honest. Genuine. Hikigaya chuckled and decided to return the favour. He always liked helping out women. Call it chivalry. Call it a bad habit. He couldn't quite help it. "I saw you slip something into my drink. At first, I thought it was because of the Liquid Luck potion. But then I thought, getting roofied isn't actually the same as getting lucky. However, what made me really suspicious was how you knew a lot about assassins yet for some reason you didn't believe that an assassin kills chiefly because he is motivated by money. When CJ pointed it out, you almost took it as a personal offense and gave us an impromptu history lesson. I learnt quite a few things. The fact that you were an assassin was one of them."

This time an even louder crash, something fragile and breakable, which when it fell to the floor shattered into a thousand pieces. Definitely something made of glass. For a moment he was genuinely worried that she might step on the shards of broken glass and hurt herself, cut her bare feet.

"There's something wrong with me." Came Mrs. Forger's voice and there was a hint of concern in her tone. "I am not usually this careless. I don't bump into things. Especially when I am on a mission."

Mission. Interesting choice of word. Not a solo act. Definitely part of an organization. Said something about a Brotherhood. Must investigate further. Will do later.

"You should clean up the mess you made, Mrs. Forger." Hikigaya told her. When she began to protest, he quickly added. "I'm not going anywhere. CJ is still passed out on the couch. You can always hold him hostage. Besides, I'm pretty sure you are quick on your feet. If I tried to escape, you will catch up to me in no time and kill me before I can reach the elevator. If it's the same to you, I would like to be murdered in your hotel room. It might help the police with their investigation and who knows, you might actually be caught and sent to prison."

"I can't go to prison!" Mrs. Forger exclaimed. "Yuri is coming over for dinner tonight. And tomorrow I have set up a play date for Anya. She finally made a friend in Ikebukuro. And, and, over the weekend, Loid promised to take me out to dinner and a movie. It actually sounds like a d-date." Mrs. Forger hiccupped. "No, no, no. I can't go to prison. It will ruin my entire family." There was a hard edge to her voice. "Hikigaya. Here's the plan. Listen to me. I will kill you and you will die like a good boy. That's all." It was gone in an instant. "But you are right. I should clean up all this glass. Someone might get hurt. Please wait a few more minutes. I will be there with you shortly."

While eating the banana, Hikigaya found another spy camera, this time embedded in a picture frame. He had the same thought once more. The work of a professional. Something didn't add up. Why would a professional make a rookie mistake? Unless –

"Hikigaya-san, are you still there?" Came Yor's voice.

"Hmm. Oh yes. Sorry, I got lost in thought for a second there." While searching under the bed, he found a simple, black tote bag. The words 'Kinky Shit' were printed on it in bold pink letters. A small look inside revealed that to be true. A few things started to clear up. Mrs. Forger's part in all this was now beginning to make more sense.

"Back at the bar, you said that the assassin was after me because he needed information. It struck me as odd and made me grow a little bit suspicious of you. In the future, be careful about it. You shouldn't play your hand like that."

"I will keep that in mind." Mrs. Forger replied. The sound of clearing up the broken shards of glass had almost come to a halt. She was either finished with her job or was taking a break to listen to him with rapt attention. "Anything else you might want to add?"

"I don't have the information you are looking for, Mrs. Forger." Hikigaya told her flatly. "In fact, I think it's the other way around. You have some information which I need."

"I don't understand." Her voice sounded confused.

Hikigaya took out his silenced pistol. "Does the name Kanra ring any bells?"

Silence for a short while and then, "K-Kanra? No, the name doesn't ring any bells."

Hikigaya chuckled. "You are a terrible liar, Mrs. Forger. I can't help but wonder how you are able to hide your noble profession from your husband. Is he an idiot?"

The sound of something snapping in two – probably the broom - was heard from the other room. "You can say anything you want about me, Hikigaya-kun. But, if you mock my husband again, I will gut you like a fish."

There was no mistake – he was indeed talking to a professional assassin. Hikigaya clicked the safeties off on his pistol. "Let's talk about something else. In fact, let me beg for my life. That seems appropriate, don't you think? But let me use logic to reason with you, Mrs. Forger. It's what I do best." He took a seat near the foot of the bed. "First of all, you know Kanra. In fact, he has you wired and is probably listening to our conversation and telling you what to say. Your attempt to cover up your faux pas about being a virgin, by attempting to dirty talk was all Kanra's doing. He might have fed you the right lines, but you didn't act accordingly."

"I am new at this." Mrs. Forger confessed, before quickly amending. "Not assassination! I have been doing that for a long time. But this whole act of getting close to a target, being all flirty, putting something into their drink, inviting them to my room, interrogating them for information and afterwards killing them – it's too much work. I think I like it when it's simple."

"You are a simple woman, Mrs. Forger. I like it. I like you." Hikigaya remarked. He was almost finished with the banana and chewed while talking. "Do you know, I found tiny spy cameras in your room? Kanra's doing, I suspect. I found them in my room too. There was also a listening device kept in the fruit bowl. Something tells me, Kanra wanted me to find that one. He wants to tell me that I'm always under surveillance. It's like I'm in the middle of an examination and he is the invigilator. If I mess up and cheat, he will confiscate my paper and I will fail the examination. I don't particularly like the feeling, but I don't think there's anything I can do about it, except carry on with what I am doing." He let out a world weary sigh. "Unfortunately for you, Mrs. Forger, your role in all this is very small. You are just another pawn. Just like CJ. Kanra didn't send you here to interrogate me. No, he sent you here to be interrogated. By me." Hikigaya added ominously.

Another stumble. Another crash. This time it sounded like she had knocked over a couple of wooden chairs and herself had fallen onto the cold hard floor. "What's wrong with me?" There was a hint of panic in her voice now. "I feel terribly dizzy."

"Must be the drug." Hikigaya remarked offhandedly. He placed the banana peel on the coffee table and picked up an apple. "Oh, didn't I tell you? I switched our drinks. Back at the bar, I pretended to be drugged. Oh, but CJ is definitely not pretending. After switching our drinks, CJ accidentally drank from your glass and is now drugged as well. But I am perfectly fine. The same can't be said about you I am afraid." He looked at his wrist watch. "In fact, I am surprised you haven't lost consciousness yet. You drank quite a lot of the drugged whisky. Must be your assassin training. But training or no training, I expect you have about five seconds. Then you-!"

It happened in a flash of white, gold and black – white skin, golden stiletto-type weapons, and black lingerie with garter belts and stockings. He moved out of the way just in the nick of time – no, it was more like he rolled onto the floor from the bed and stumbled, trying to get into a proper position to use his silenced pistol.

He had just aimed the firearm at her direction and all he heard was a slick noise, and when he pulled the trigger nothing happened – the silenced pistol was sliced open, the barrel completely removed, dropping to the floor without making a single noise.

Yor Forger was a calamity, a typoon, a black and white tornado wrecking havoc, bumping into things, knocking things over, stumbling all around. He had expected a skilled assassin, and there was no doubt in his mind that she was a professional, but he had forgotten to take into account that she was heavily drugged.

Just a few more seconds, he thought.

Thinking, that proved to be a costly mistake.

A glint of gold and it was all over. He found the sharp instrument of death pressed to the side of his neck. Yor Forger drew first blood. The single droplet of blood trickled down his neck. Her red eyes bore into him, a threat to end his miserable life was about to follow, but instead –

"Hic!"

- Mrs. Forger hiccupped and ruined whatever sense of danger she was trying to go for. But he didn't laugh. His life was indeed in danger. Five seconds, he had to stay alive for five measly seconds. Why was it taking so long?

"Why are you not properly dressed, Mrs. Forger?" Hikigaya asked.

Mrs. Forger hiccupped and he feared for his life, because the sharp golden instrument of death broke skin and he started to bleed a little bit more. Was the Liquid Luck potion not working? Or was watching Yor Forger clad in sexy lingerie and garter belts with stockings a part of the luck. If so, he had a few complaints about his rotten luck.

"It's your fault, Hikigaya-kun." Yor Forger complained, bringing her face quite close, for no apparent reason at all. "You should have told me that I was drugged. Then I would have gotten dressed quickly and wouldn't have bothered with cleaning all those pieces of glass. Now tell me about -"

Hikigaya cut her off. "Do you always wear sexy lingerie to work?"

Yor Forger fumed and for a second she forgot she was on a job and had the young man at her mercy, her weapon easily capable of putting an end to his miserable life. With her cheeks turning red, and fighting off a wave of embarrassment, the woman inched closer, their faces almost touching and tried to defend her choice of underwear. "It's for my husband. You see, I think our marriage is going through a rough patch and there is this colleague from work who told me to spice up things in the bedroom and there was this sale going on in the -aah!"

Hikigaya struck. But not with punches or kicks or guns and knives or some fancy martial arts gimmick. He simply placed his palm on her right breast and gave it a strong, hard squeeze. But he didn't stop there. No. Desperate times called for desperate measures and he was beyond desperate.

"Mmph!"

Mrs. Forger took a step back, but it was too late. He reduced the distance between them in a flash and captured her lips in a searing kiss. Her eyes grew wide as saucers. He could tell she was inexperienced. It wouldn't surprise him if she said this was her first kiss. Now he felt like an asshole. It was a good thing she didn't kiss him back. And it was definitely a mistake to close his eyes, and really get into it, because the next thing he knew, Mrs. Forger came to her senses, lifted him up and threw him across the room in an inhuman display of strength.

That hurt.

A lot.

What's more, her face was completely red and she was shaking with unbridled rage.

"You scoundrel!" Yor cursed. "For stealing my first kiss, I, The Thorn Princess, sentence you to death!"

This time Hikigaya was actually begging for his life. He was on the floor, slowly retreating without trying to get up, backing away until his back hit the wall and his hand landed on something. Just his luck, it wasn't a weapon he could use. Just a piece of filth. Garbage. He tried to reason. "W-What about your mission?"

The Thorn Princess made her move, stalking her prey like a predator. "I don't care anymore. Everyone fails a mission once or twice." The golden glint of her weapons blinded him.

And that's when the gun went off and it made a huge bang, almost like an explosion. Judging from the booming sound it made and the way it blew a huge hole in the wall, it was CJ's desert eagle. Was he awake? But Hikigaya didn't have time to check. The Thorn Princess was alarmed. The bullet had barely missed her. Ducking for cover, she rushed towards him, her weapons raised, about to hack and slash and thrust, stop his heart from beating anymore.

But the drug in her system and the panic in her mind made her careless for a minute and she didn't look where she was going, didn't look down.

It was a mistake.

In the ensuing chaos of the gun going off, with nothing left to lose, Hikigaya had thrown a banana peel on the floor and he watched with a morbid sense of fascination how the professional assassin stepped on the banana peel and slipped. Yor Forger lost her balance and fell. Her head struck the coffee table and made a loud crack, knocking over the fruit bowl and its contents in the process. Most of the fruits got scattered around her body which now lied motionless on the floor, her hands no longer holding onto the golden stiletto-type weapons.

An apple managed to roll towards him and Hikigaya picked it up and wiped it clean on his shirt a couple of times, while looking around the destruction she had left in her wake. CJ was sprawled onto the floor. Hikigaya suspected, sometime during their scuffle, he had gained some level of consciousness, taken out his desert eagle and fired at Yor and then he had rolled onto the floor and passed out again.

Hikigaya bit into the apple. "Amateur." He chided himself while chewing. "Lucky amateur."