Slay It with Flowers
Q was in his element.
"Take the next left, 005, and go through the door right in front of you. There are two security guards on the other side, do try to use non-lethal force, would you?"
"I'm offended you even have to ask, Quartermaster".
"Well, I just thought that I'd double-check, considering I didn't realise that I should have asked you not to lose your gun!"
"... Fair enough".
Q probably should have also realised that he would be good at this considering how much of his personality was built on sarcasm and snark and how much of his life he'd dedicated to technology - i.e. in both cases, all of it. You didn't get to be one of the best private cybersecurity providers in the world without dealing with a few high-risk situations, after all, and running a mission seemed to be just like that, only instead of dealing with the potential loss of money, he was dealing with the potential loss of life.
Which wasn't as fun, understandably, but likewise, it also wasn't as boring.
On screen, both security guards remained none the wiser as Saif snuck up behind them. Since they were facing different directions, 005 wrapped his arm around the first guard's throat, holding him in place as he silently struggled, unable to make a sound. A few seconds later, his struggling lessened and his body went limp. Carefully lowering the unconscious man to the ground, Saif repeated the sleeper chokehold on the second guard.
It was rather like playing a video game, actually, only in this particular case, the player character had a bit more free will.
Unfortunately.
"Where to next, Q?"
He quickly tapped a few keys to bring up the cameras for the next room on one monitor, and the blueprints for that part of the building on another.
"Go straight ahead for the time being. The fire alarm has evacuated most of the building, but some guards have stayed behind, presumably to guard those oh-so-dangerous documents that they don't want falling into the wrong hands. Or right hands, as it were".
He was running the op in the main branch area, partially because he needed the five large wall-mounted monitors to run all the security cameras at once and also partially because the open space room didn't feel as claustrophobic as his office did when he was feeling this tense.
Also, R was here.
"Can you access the security alarms of each vault?" she asked him quietly from her place next to him.
"Of course, why?"
"Maybe if you set off one of the… more important alarms, some of the security guards will leave their posts?"
He gave her a wide-eyed look. "R. I could kiss you".
The older alpha gave him a wry smirk. "Somehow, I think my wife would protest".
Grinning, Q quickly did as suggested and then refocused his attention on Saif as he came up to another doorway.
"005, two of the four guards surrounding the vault have left. Think you handle those remaining?"
The agent gave the nearest camera an affronted look and Q couldn't help but smile.
"Point taken. Do try not to get yourself killed, these two guards have semi-automatics".
"And you're only telling me that now?!"
"Well, if someone hadn't thrown away their custom-made gun, then this wouldn't even be a problem".
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll bring you back a souvenir or something".
"How charming" he replied flatly, "I'm going to unlock the door and then cut the lights. I'll turn them back on after five seconds. Clear?"
"Clear".
A few key taps, a startled yell, and two thuds later, and Q watched as Saif stepped over the unconscious guards into the newly-unlocked vault.
"Excellent work, 005. You might just make it home in time for dinner".
A smirk and salacious wink was sent directly to the nearest camera. "Are you buying, Quartermaster?"
Next to him, R gave an exasperated sigh, and the omega resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
"Make your flight in time and maybe we'll see".
Saif gave a surprised laugh before turning back to the task at hand.
"You know, I gotta say Q, I quite enjoy having you on comms. Old Boothroyd never used to flirt back".
"I can't imagine why" he replied dryly, "The fifth row, third box down should contain the documents we're looking for".
"Sure you don't want me to pack anything else?"
"There's no need. I don't plan on letting this room survive your absence".
"Oh yeah?" he asked, shoving the folder into his backpack, "And how are you going to do that, then?"
"Do you still have the cigarette lighter I gave you?"
"A rather odd gift, I have to admit, considering that I don't smoke".
"It's a timed explosive".
Silence.
Saif slowly turned to face the camera, a look of pure and unadulterated awe on his face.
"Q! You little genius, have you been holding out on me?"
The omega couldn't stop the pleased smile that rose as a result of the praise.
"More specifically, it's a timed hand-grenade. I'm still trying to figure out how to make it work with e-cigarettes or- or even vapes considering how popular they're getting, but for the moment, a standard lighter will have to work" he explained, "Just flip open the lid and hold down the switch. As soon as the flame lights, drop it, and run. It's got a thirty-second fuse, but the explosive itself is quite contained. Should be enough to destroy the other documents in that room without significantly damaging the building itself".
"... When I get back" Saif swore, "I'm going to buy you dinner".
Bursting out of the vault and uncaring of the unconscious guards he stepped on, Saif ran like hell down the corridor and towards the door at the end. From behind him, there was a sudden bang, like a clap of thunder, and the security cameras showing the vault showed a blinding flash. The entire building shook for what felt like a lifetime and Q frantically wondered if he had built the explosive correctly, if there was too much potassium nitrate and not enough charcoal and now the building was unstable and was about to collapse around his agent and kill him and-
"That was wicked!"
Q blinked, forced himself to take a deep breath, and realised that not only was Saif alive and well and grinning on the other side of a wooden door that hadn't even been dented by the explosive, but R currently had a hand on his arm and was giving him a concerned look.
He could only imagine what his scent was telling her right now.
He gave her a small, probably not very reassuring, smile before turning back to the cameras.
"I'm glad that you think so, 005. However, now that there is an actual fire in the building, you're going to be getting a lot more company. It's time to go".
"Understood, Quartermaster. Which way am I heading?"
"Straight ahead, for the time being. The- The door at the other end of the corridor should open up into a, uh, a small break room and- and the door at the other side of that, will bring you to another hallway".
Saif nodded and started running. "You know, I never understood why the bad guys love their labyrinths so much. Do they really need this many rooms? And what about exit signs? What about signs in general? Doesn't anyone ever get lost here?!"
Q didn't know if the alpha had somehow sensed his momentary panic or not, but the rambling conversation provided ample distraction to help calm his racing heart.
"I imagine that no one who works there has any idea what the company is actually building" he replied, "They're very likely confined to their own little offices, so they don't need any signs. If you're lost, then you're wandering somewhere you shouldn't be".
"And we all know what that means!" Saif said, far too cheerfully, as he emerged at the other side of the break room, "Alright, which way now?"
"Give me one moment, 005". Q quickly typed a few strings of code to unlock the cameras for that side of the building. Now that his agent had the documents, he just needed to get out. And fast.
"Turn left".
Saif hesitated. "Are you sure?"
"Very" he replied dryly, "Go left. Sooner, rather than later please".
"... I have a feeling that I should go right".
"005-"
He heard the branch door swish open behind him.
"Oh… Is this a bad fucking time?"
Q glanced over his shoulder and grinned. It had been a few days since he'd last seen Duncan, and the only thing better than seeing his one remaining source of sanity right now, was seeing his one remaining source of sanity holding a very familiar mug of tea.
"Not at all, 003 In fact, perhaps you could tell 005 just what the best course of action is when he wants to go right but his Quartermaster, who has access to every camera by the way, wants him to go left?"
"I'd go left" he replied sagely, easily sliding between the minions to stand at the omega's side, passing over the mug as he did so.
Q heard Saif scoff over the comms. "Suck up".
"That may be, 005, but at least he'd still be alive to be a suck up, which is infinitely better than being a dead critic, wouldn't you agree?"
There was a beat of silence, an aggravated groan, and then on-screen Saif turned left.
Q smirked into his mug of tea. "Good decision, agent".
"You are insufferable!"
"And you're still alive. Looks like we're both disappointed".
The alpha actually stumbled a step. "That- That was cold, Quartermaster!"
"No, 005, what was cold was you managing to somehow lose your custom-made gun within five minutes of entering the building!"
"I had to hit the fire alarm somehow!"
"And you couldn't have simply used your head?!"
"What, to break the glass?"
Q took a deep breath, momentarily closed his eyes, and then gave Duncan a rather pointed look.
"If you turn out to be as stupid as Saif is in the field, then you're on your own".
"Duly fucking noted".
"Oy! I heard that!"
"You were meant to!" Q shot back, placing his cup on the table before changing security cameras, "Alright, take the next door on the left, then there should be a staircase straight ahead of you. It'll bring you back down to the ground floor and out at street level at the back of the building".
"Guards?" Saif asked brusquely, taking the stairs two at a time.
"Negative. Everyone's too busy at the opposite side of the building dealing with the explosion you left behind".
Duncan immediately perked up and turned to him with almost childlike glee.
"Explosion?"
Q sighed and lightly patted him on the shoulder. "You'll get your turn, 003, don't worry… Okay, 005, turn right down that alleyway and you'll come out on the main street. Then you have exactly zero reasons to miss your flight which is leaving in approximately two hours. And you better be on it".
"Or what?" Saif teased, brushing dust off his clothes to give him some semblance of normality when he blended in with the crowd.
"Or you won't get to meet me this evening for dinner" Q replied calmly, taking a sip of tea, "Which truly would be a shame, 005, considering that my hair is especially fluffy today".
There was a beat of silence. Then another. And another, before-
"Fortier? He telling the truth?"
Grey eyes glanced over at Q who pointedly raised both eyebrows and then ruffled his curls a little for good measure.
Duncan turned back to the cameras. "Sure fucking is, Fitzroy. It'd be a shame for you to fucking miss it".
Saif let out an aggravated groan. "Traitors, the lot of you! You know I don't want to miss petting that!"
If anyone but a double-0 had said it, then Q would've taken offence. As it was, however, he knew full well that neither agent had any issue with him being an omega, and not only that, but they didn't treat him like a vapid airhead or a fragile teacup either.
Saif Fitzroy was genuinely being tormented by the thought of not petting his hair.
Q had to take another gulp of tea to hide his grin.
"Well then, 005, you better make that flight".
"Yeah, yeah, you little minx! I'll make that flight, and when I do, you're going to have dinner with me, and not only that, but you're going to have to deal with me ruffling your hair for the entire bloody evening, you absolute traitor!"
"It's a date" he said, deadpan, "See you in a few hours, 005".
"Make a reservation for us, will you, Q? There's a pretty good bar nearby, Fortier knows the place. I'll see you on the other side".
The mic clicked off just as the Quartermaster lost sight of the double-0 merging into the the foot traffic on the street, and he couldn't help but smirk as he reached up to take off his headset and disconnect from the security cameras.
Downing the rest of his tea, he turned only to find R giving him a rather worrying look.
"You're insane" she breathed, "You have to be. There is no way in hell that 005 would actually listen to you otherwise. My god, you must be a lunatic. He obeyed you! You got a double-0 to actually- actually listen and- and obey and- and why the hell was I ever worried for you?! I should be worried for this branch! This is insane, this is- this is unnatural! The double-0s like you! And you- you like them back! What happened to not being interesting?!"
Q stared at her. Blinked. Tilted his head to the side. And then glanced over at Duncan who was still standing besides him.
"Can you carry her to medical? I think she's had a nervous breakdown".
He thought for a moment, before shrugging and stepping forward. "Might as fucking well. Come along, ma'am".
"Ma'am?" she exclaimed, "Ma'am?! 003 you have never treated me with an ounce of respect in your entire bloody life! But now you're calling me ma'am? And taking me to medical?! No double-0 in the history of this entire bloody organisation has ever gone willingly to medical! Are you on drugs? Or- Or alcohol?! Or- Or- Or is Q a witch? Q, are you a witch?! Is that why you have no past in your file?! Do you have magic?! You must have, look at what you're doing! You've tamed the bloody double-0s!"
Q watched as Duncan carefully lifted the screeching woman and started heading towards the door. He felt slightly bad for R, and more than slightly concerned. Surely the double-0s hadn't been that terrible before he'd been made Quartermaster - he'd always thought that the stories from R were over-exaggerated given how easily that he got along with the agents, but if she was this upset over 005 doing as he was told and 003 actually attempting to act human then…
Oh well.
He shrugged, ignored the deafening silence in the lab, and turned back to his laptop.
Long may it last, as they said.