Scissors Cut Paper
"Why did you just flinch?" Edie asked, not-very-calmly, and Q wanted to groan in frustration.
He settled for stating the obvious instead.
"What? No I didn't".
"Yes, you did" she replied sharply, "I know what I saw, sweetheart".
"Well obviously, 009, you were mistaken".
"... Did someone hurt you? Earlier on, at the bar?"
Before she'd even finished her sentence, both Charlie and Saif were growling, eyes skimming over everyone in the bar as if they could sense out the guilty party purely based on their appearance.
Which, then again, given their line of work…
"No, Edie, no one attacked me at the bar" he replied truthfully, feeling a little ridiculous for even having to say so, "Considerin' that all four of you were starin' at me, you very likely would've caught the person if someone did".
"We weren't staring at you constantly" she replied, although she at least had the decency to look slightly embarrassed, "We looked away when you turned back".
"I didn't" Saif replied, far more easily, "I had eyes on Q the entire time".
"Well then you must have missed them!"
"Fighting words, Ms King".
"Want to go outside for a few rounds?"
"Why bother when we can settle it right here".
Q rolled his eyes and then immediately regretted it when the action made his head spin.
"Stop it, both of you! Saif didn't miss anyone because there was no one for 'im to miss! I wasn't attacked at the bloody bar!"
"But you were attacked somewhere else?"
Q narrowed his eyes and stabbed an accusatory finger in her general direction.
"You, 009, are far too sober for someone who's meant to be drunk!"
"One of the perks of the job" she replied evenly, "We learn how to metabolise alcohol very quickly".
"... That cannot, possibly, be a real thing".
"What. Happened?" Edie asked firmly, and the omega sighed, feeling Saif's arm tighten around him as a result, although whether that was out of concern or just to simply keep him from running, he wasn't sure.
Either way, he wasn't complaining.
"I was… mildly injured during the whole Nine Eyes disaster" he finally replied, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture and trying - and failing - not to blush when Saif quickly moved his glass before he knocked it over.
"Mildly enough to still be injured three months later?" Charlie asked, also far too sober for someone who was slurring their words not ten minutes ago.
Holy shit. Maybe they really could control their blood alcohol level.
"The very very mild injury… required some stitches" Q admitted, hoping for them to just drop the entire thing because the last thing he needed was for four grouchy alphas to start taking his shirt off in public.
"How many?"
"... Some".
"Q" Saif growled lonely, his tone a warning more so than a threat, but either way, he really really didn't want to have to explain all this to the man.
To the Quartermaster's annoyance - and slight relief - it was Duncan who answered for him.
"Twenty-seven".
The other double-0s immediately rounded on him, furious.
"You knew?!"
"How do you know?!"
"Why didn't you say anything?!"
He shrugged, calm as you please. "It's the brat's fucking business. I figured he'd tell you if he wanted to".
"But he wanted to tell you?!"
"No, actually". Duncan drained the last of his rainbow-coloured drink. "I was just the fucking bastard who stitched him".
Edie spun back to face the omega, scandalised.
"You didn't even go to medical?!"
"Pot, kettle, 009!" he replied sharply, wriggling out of Saif's hold, "The moment that you lot start takin' better care of yourselves, then I will, too!"
"But we're-" She cut herself off, and he gave her a vicious look. "You're what, 009? Alphas?"
"... We're trained for this, sweetheart" she finished quietly, "We've been given RTI, first aid courses, simulations, everything! And you're… you're our Quartermaster. The best one that we've had in a long while, and I just… I don't want to see you get hurt".
Q immediately softened. How could he not, after all, when one of his emotionally stunted double-0 idiots just confessed that they cared about him? Caring was not an advantage and all that, and in their line of work, relationships - of any kind - were a weakness just waiting to be exploited.
"I'm not hurt, Edie" he said softly, "At least, not badly. Not enough to need a doctor, which means it's hardly anythin' at all. Duncan looked after me, and now I'm almost as good as new, I swear… But that request goes both ways, you know. I don't like seeing you guys get injured any more than you like the thought of me being hurt".
"We're active field agents, we always get hurt" she argued, "But you're in TSS, in Q branch. You're meant to be safe!"
He raised an eyebrow. "Safe? In Q branch? When it's got multiple double-0s lurkin' around the place, assaulting my employees?"
Charlie ducked his head and flushed. "That boffin had it coming".
"We'll just have to agree to disagree on that, 002" Q replied evenly, "But even without you lot raising hell, just how, exactly, do you expect me to make your guns and equipment and explosions without actually working with the weapons themselves?"
All four double-0s paled at the thought.
"I can't give up explosions" Saif whispered, looking vaguely ill.
"I'm not asking you to!" he protested, "What I'm asking is that you guys realise I'm not some fragile fucking flower who needs to be coddled at all costs! I'm grateful that you've decided to try and- and protect me or whatever, but it's not needed, and certainly not at the expense of me not getting any work done, especially when that work involves creating things that will keep you lot alive! So you need to calm down, alright? All of you. I've looked after myself so far, and I'm not about to give up that self-sufficiency now that a bunch of idiot knotheads have come along".
"... Does this mean that I can't pet your hair anymore?"
Q sighed, briefly closed his eyes, and prayed to whatever deity that was out there to give him strength.
"I'm not telling you to leave me alone completely, Saif. You're still allowed to pet and hug and- and bloody cuddle me all you like, alright?" he said, worming his way underneath the man's arm again for good measure, "As long as you ask first, and I say that it's okay, then you can do whatever the hell you want. Within reason, of course".
"Of course" he agreed easily, his posture remarkably less tense now that Q was pressed against his side once more, "And those reasons are?"
"I'm sure you'll figure them out" Q replied dryly, "After all, what good is a double-0 if you can't study your target?"
"Oh, I don't know, sweetheart" Edie replied, strangely calm, "We still make pretty damn good hitmen".
"And speaking of" Charlie added, also completely nonchalant, "The придурки who did this to you are dead, yes?"
Q looked between the pair suspiciously. "Why are you asking?"
"No reason". She smiled disarmingly. "I just thought that… well, if they weren't, then maybe you'd like us to pay them a little visit?"
"A little vis- no!" he snapped, the pieces falling into place, "009, 002, I forbid you from killing them!"
"So they are still alive?" he pressed, "Interesting. Edie?"
"Already on it" she replied, a phone somehow now in her hands and her elegant fingers typing rapidly, "When did this happen?"
"January 27th" Duncan said, "I think Moneypenny has a copy of the fucking tapes".
"Eve? Excellent".
Q stared at her. "Edith King, you are one-hundred-per-cent not allowed to exploit your relationship with my best friend just to get access to security tapes to go off and murder a man!"
"... What if I get someone else to ask her?"
"No!"
She pouted and sighed overdramatically, draining the last of her drink as she tried to find another loophole. Q used that momentary distraction to snatch her phone out of her hands and-
"Are these the MI6 surveillance tapes?!"
She gave a careless shrug and reached forwards to snag a shot glass from Charlie. Q stared at her in horror, at all of them in horror. If Edie was able to get into the video database so quickly and so easily from a simple mobile phone, and the others weren't even vaguely reacting, meaning that she had done this before, meaning that they had expected her to do it now, then-
"M has no bloody idea just how intelligent you lot are, does he?"
"Nope". Saif grinned, ruffling his hair for the millionth time. "I think it'd scare him to realise that his mindless killing machines have actual brains".
"Mindless killing machines, my ass!" Q snapped, "This is- This is level five security! This is… Well, not mine, obviously, so I guess it's okay for me to be more impressed than annoyed, but still! This is, like, this is-"
"Thank you, sweetheart" Edie interrupted smoothly, "Your inane ramblings about my hacking skills do mean a lot to me, although I feel that I should tell you that I'm not even the best hacker at this table. Yourself excluded, of course".
Q slowly turned to face the others, wide-eyed and more than a little bit terrified. It couldn't be Charlie because he'd asked Edie to hack it for him. Unless, of course, that was just a ruse to throw Q off the scent, but then again, why would he do that if Edie was going to tell him anyway, unless unless they knew that he'd think like this which would make the entire deception this mangled twisted quadruple agent of a lie so-
His head hurt.
Okay, moving on from Charlie then. It could be Saif, given that the fact he was currently hugging Q meant he had no free hands to get out his own phone. But if it was 005, and 009 and 002 had dragged him into the whole let's-find-Q's-file debacle, then surely the man would have hacked into the security cameras at the vault to erase the footage of them breaking in, so if it wasn't Edie and it wasn't Saif and it probably wasn't Charlie then-
Duncan met his gaze evenly from the other side of the table.
"You?!"
He gave a one-sided shrug.
"I like to dabble".
He'd gone insane. He had to have. Because there was no bloody way that Duncan bloody Fortier was a brilliant bloody hacker without anyone at MI-bloody-6 realising it.
Unless the alpha was just that good of a hacker to cover his tracks, of course.
Which meant he was very likely better with computers than the majority of TSS.
Q silently handed Edie back her phone, stole the shot of vodka she'd just stolen off of Charlie, and downed it in one gulp.
"The very second that a single one of you decide to desert MI6? I'll quit" he announced, "Because if you ever turn against England, then… we're fucked".
"Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that, brat" Duncan replied, a smirk playing on his lips, "After all, we've got to fucking look after you, now, don't we?"
The others all nodded in agreement, and Q felt a burst of hysterical laughter bubble up in his chest.
The worst part wasn't even the fact that they all thought he still needed looking after. The worst part was that he genuinely thought that they might be serious.
The double-0s would only remain loyal to MI6 as long as their Quartermaster remained, so god help the poor bastards who ever decided to change that.
It wasn't until a few hours later when he was safe and sound in bed, Paco and Yana both purring on the pillow next to him, that he suddenly realised with a rather alarming pang that both 002 and 009 had managed to avoid promising him not to kill those men.
The next day Q woke with the hangover from hell.
The lights were too bright, the chirping birds on his windowsill were too loud, even his cats were slowly shifting from the oh-my-gosh-you're-so-cute phase into the oh-my-gosh-please-leave-me-alone-to-die category. He had hit snooze on his alarm clock far too many times to make tea and toast and not be late for work, so after a slightly-too-long shower, he fed the cats, grabbed his keys and bicycle helmet, and left for HQ.
The lights and noises outside were ten times worse, and by the time Q made it to his lovely dark quiet tunnels, his head was pounding, his eyes were burning, and his mouth was strangely dry.
Slowly, carefully, stepping into TSS, he headed straight for his office up the stairs at the back.
Or, at least, tried to.
"Ooh, someone had a late night". Silvia grinned, giving a low whistle which only aggravated his entire-total-encompassing-body-pain further
He didn't even bother to slow down. "Do not".
She jogged to catch up with him anyway. "Do not what?"
"Anything. Everything" he mumbled, heading up the stairs to his office, "Do not".
"Alright, well, before I start 'do not'-ing". She smirked, still following him. "You might like to know that there's a double-0 on the line".
He paused at the top of the stairs and tried to ignore the feeling of nausea as his head spun at the sudden stop.
A double-0 on the line? All of his in-country agents were already accounted for, unless one of them had managed to drive from London to France in the scarce few hours that Q had seen them last. 001 was due back later on that day, although if she were anything like her packmates then she wouldn't actually show up for her debrief until tomorrow. 007 was who-knows-where doing who-knows-what with who-knows-too but he was a right dramatic bastard who'd prefer to pop up at HQ unannounced rather than call ahead. Which just left 004, 008, and-
"It's 006" Silvia said.
Oh. He probably should have just asked her to begin with.
"Is he dead?" Q asked, stepping into his office.
"No" she replied, an amused quirk to her lips.
"Is he getting shot at?"
"Not currently".
"Is he in need of emergency assistance of any kind?"
"Not that I'm aware of" Silvia finished, looking far too bright and happy on this godforsaken morning.
Q sighed in relief.
"Then he can bloody well wait".
Taking off his coat, he threw it over the back of his chair but even that small movement had him wincing in pain.
"Give me ten minutes to feel human again and then patch him through, alright?"
She gave a mock salute. "You got it, boss".
Collapsing in his chair with a wince, he spun around to face the desk and-
Paused.
There, in front of him, was a freshly made steaming cup of tea that held just the barest hint of vanilla. And two ibuprofen tablets sat next to it.
Q couldn't help but smile.
Maybe he would lay off his verbal tongue lashing of Charlie until later, and just lecture Edie on the consequences of murder instead. God knew that she had a lot to learn about it, especially if the double-0s' current suspicious absence was in relation to tracking down the men who'd shot him.
Taking a long satisfying sip of tea, he carefully lowered it back to the metal desk before turning on both monitors and reaching for his headset.
Right now, however, it would appear that he had a different double-0 to wrangle.