Reception Committee
Q should have realised that there was a reason for the double-0's odd absence the previous day. He really really really should have fucking known. Because right now, right here and right now in his own fucking office at a fucking awful hour of the fucking morning there was a fucking-
"IS THAT A DEAD BODY?!"
Edie, from where she was casually draped across his couch, inspecting her nails, glanced up.
"Oh, hello sweetheart! You're in early".
Q stared at her. Then at his coffee table. Then at her. Then at the coffee table. Then at her. Then at the-
"009, you have precisely ten seconds to explain just what the actual fuck it is that he's doing here, before I call security, shoot you, or both!"
She nudged the very-dead-fucking-body with a pointed heel.
"Don't you recognise him?"
"Recognize him? Recognize- Edith King just how the actual fuck would I recognize-"
Oh shit.
He did, actually.
Q paused and took a step closer, then another, and another, until he was peering over the very-dead-fucking-body, studying the pallor face and wide glassy eyes and-
"Is this the guy who shot me?!"
"Yes" Edie replied, looking far too pleased with herself, "Duncan did the locating bit, and Charlie and I did the legwork. Saif was the one who finally caught him".
"... Saif killed the man who shot me?"
"Very quickly too, unfortunately. I was hoping to have a little fun, but… oh well". She shrugged, calm as you fucking please. "He did find him first, after all. Finders keepers".
Q needed a drink.
In fact, he needed two drinks.
Actually, now that he thought about it, he needed three drinks.
Or four. Or five. Or six. Or-
"Are you alright, sweetheart?" Edie asked, peering up at him with concern, "You're looking a bit pale. I didn't mean to frighten you; it was meant to be a surprise".
"Then consider me very fucking surprised, 009" he replied unevenly, "What the actual fuck?!"
"... Merry Christmas?"
"It's January".
"... Happy birthday?"
"You don't even know when my birthday is!"
"Well it has to happen once a year" she reasoned, "So just consider it a slightly out-of-sync birthday present".
It was way too fucking early in the morning to be dealing with this shit.
Taking a few steps back, Q pulled out his mobile and hit speed dial one.
"Quartermaster?" M answered on the fourth ring. "Is something the matter?"
Q bit back a burst of hysterical laughter.
"You could say that" he said instead, "I apologise for calling so early, sir, but I'm afraid I have something of a… situation".
"What kind of situation?"
In front of him, Edie returned to examining her bright red nails, while the very-dead-fucking-body remained a very-dead-fucking-body.
"Remember how I once compared the double-0's to a pack of lions?"
"Yes" he replied warily.
"Well, it turns out that they are far far more like badly trained house cats!"
"Quartermaster, what are you-"
"They've left me a present" Q interrupted, watching with mild horror as Edie immediately looked up at him and beamed for calling the very-dead-fucking-body a gift.
"... A what?"
"A present" he replied slowly, "You know, how sometimes domesticated cats bring you… presents".
"... To the best of my knowledge, Quartermaster, the only presents that cats bring their owners are dead mice and birds".
"Well sir, it is definitely dead".
He finally managed to tear his gaze away from his once-shooter, and instead focused on the shiny silver sword that was now hanging against the wall just behind his desk. Halim and some other minions had come in to fit it during his lunch meeting with Eve the day before, which meant that he hadn't been there to protest. Not that he would have, of course, because it was, admittedly, a rather nice-looking sword indeed.
"Quartermaster, is there currently a dead body in your flat?"
"My office" he corrected, and at the other end of the line, M let out a slow heavy sigh. "Well thank god for small miracles… Is there any particular double-0 that you suspect to have done this?"
"All of them".
"... What?"
This time, it was Q's turn to sigh. "All of them, sir, played a part in it. Minus 001, of course, but given that she quite literally only returned to England last night, it would have been a bit short notice for even a double-0. 003 tracked him down, 002 and 009 found him, and 005 was the one who killed him. They were all involved".
"Do you know the identity of the body?"
"I don't have a name" he admitted, "Not yet, at least, but I recognize him… He's one of the thugs from Nine Eyes who shot at us and kidnapped 007".
"But that was over three months ago! What on earth are the double-0s thinking to suddenly do all this now?"
Q closed his eyes and braced himself for the worst dressing down of his career. And he'd run two off-the-books missions with James-bloody-Bond.
"I… may or may not have possibly gone out with the double-0s for dinner and drinks two days ago, and I may or may not have accidentally revealed the fact that I was injured, and I may or may not have gotten those injuries from that night in question, and I also may or may not have kept all of this a secret from you and Bill and Eve and- well, and everyone, really except for 003 who may or may not have returned to London that night and threatened to maim and/or kill me before realising that I may or may not actually be pretty damn good at this whole Quartermaster thing and then helping with the same injuries that I may or may not be still keeping a secret until two days ago when I may or may not have accidentally told the double-0s what had happened".
What followed was the longest silence that Q had ever been a part of, and given who his two brothers were, that really was saying something.
"Stay there" M eventually replied, "I'll send in a team to deal with the… situation, and I'll be there myself within the hour. In the meantime, however, you need to have a nice, long conversation with those bloody idiots about why it is bad to give people dead bodies!"
"... I honestly don't think they'd understand, sir".
"Just- Just wait there! And gather the double-0s in one damn place to make this entire thing easier!" he snapped, "Treat them like your bloody cats, if you have to!"
… And wasn't that an interesting thought?
Fifteen minutes later, Q had gathered all of the far-too-smug double-0s in one of the many rec rooms spread throughout MI6. Thankfully there was nobody else using it at the time, given the early hour, which meant that he had approximately forty-five minutes to collar the monsters before M arrived and quite possibly fired him.
"In!" he snapped, holding open the door and pointing at the couches spread across the room, "Sit!"
Both Charlie and Edie did as told, Duncan gave him a confused frown but also obeyed, Alexis took a few steps forward and then stopped, and Saif merely grinned and reached up to ruffle the omega's hair.
"No!"
005 paused, hand hovering mid-air.
"What?"
"I said no!" Q repeated, his own hand tightening around the bottle held by his side.
"But-"
"No!"
"You can't-"
"No!"
"I just want to-"
Q sprayed him in the face with water.
Saif immediately jerked back with a growl, a growl that reverberated across the room as the other double-0s saw their packmate being attacked, but Q held his ground, glared at the alpha, and raised the bottle threateningly once more.
"Do not make me spritz you, 005! I said no! And if you can't understand that, or even vaguely obey it, then I will keep spritzing you until you drown and you will never ever ever touch my hair again! Do I make myself clear?!"
The growling abruptly cut off mid-rumble. The Quartermaster pointed at the chairs again.
"Now sit down. And shut up!"
Slowly, reluctantly, and with damp hair and clothes, Saif did as told.
Closing the door behind him, just a slight bit more forcibly than needed, Q spun on his heel and marched over to where the majority of the double-0s had managed to squish themselves onto a single couch. Edie was squeezed between Charlie and Duncan, Saif choosing to sit on the armrest next to the larger man, while Alexis hovered at the opposite end of the couch, still standing.
Q placed down the spray bottle - a left-over from the days that his cats had lived with him at HQ - and gave his newest agent a rather pointed look.
"I believe there was some mention about daily hugging?"
She grinned and all-but danced over to him, crushing him to her chest and almost suffocating him.
In the background, Saif complained loudly. "How come she gets to pet you?!"
"Because she, 005, didn't murder a man and leave his body in my office!" Q snapped, carefully detangling himself from Alexis just enough to glare at the other agents over her shoulder.
"Something which, by the way, I never ever ever in a million years expected to have to scold someone about!"
"But he hurt you!"
"So you killed him?!"
"Well, obviously!"
"What the hell do you mean obviously?!"
Four confused faces stared back at him.
Q felt a rather sickening sense of dread start to form in his stomach.
"... Do you mean to tell me that you plan to murder everyone who has ever hurt me?"
They all avoided his gaze.
Alexis, still wrapped around him like a limpet, snorted. "That's a yes".
He turned to try and see her face, but she firmly yet gently kept it buried against his neck where he could feel her lightly sniffing. Apparently, the double-0s liked his scent even when they weren't in a post-mission-high-adrenaline-fueled-kill-mode.
Unfortunately, however, he had far too many things to address before he could even consider thinking about that rather terrifying fact.
"Why, on earth, do you think that you have to do that?!"
Duncan shifted uneasily in his seat.
"Well… we don't fucking have to, we know that. But we just…"
"We want to protect you" Charlie finished, his blue eyes painfully earnest, "You're our котеночек, you don't deserve to be hurt".
Which-
"Do you think that man deserved to be killed?"
"Yes" Edie said firmly, "He hurt you. He shot you. He would have killed you, given the chance, along with Eve and Tanner. M too, if that bastard had seen him. He was a threat".
"MI6 has measures in place to deal with threats" Q said slowly, trying not to sound like he was explaining the alphabet to a toddler, but given just how childish these monsters of his could be…
"Well obviously those measures weren't fucking working!" Duncan snarled, "That son of a bitch was still in London, brat! What would have happened if he'd decided to get revenge?"
"He would have been arrested!" Q replied sharply, "And detained. And dealt with accordingly. It is neither your job nor your permit to go off books and murder whoever you see fit!"
Saif snorted. "I think you're forgetting that we have a licence to kill, Quartermaster".
"And I think you're forgetting that your licence to kill is only granted to you by MI6 to initiate the use of lethal force in the delivery of your objectives!" he snapped, "And since this was neither issued by MI6, a part of a mission, nor related in any sense of the word to your objectives at all, it was completely unnecessary and a gross abuse of your power!"
"He shot you!"
"He barely grazed me!"
Alexis briefly tightened her hold, and Q only then just how distressed and furious that his scent had become. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down.
"The fact remains, 005, that you had no permission whatsoever to kill that man. I understand why you did it - I most certainly do not agree, but I understand, and I'm… grateful" he said, choosing his words carefully, "Truly, I am… but you cannot, and you will not, ever kill anyone outside of a mission again, until your own life is in danger. Is that clear?"
The man reluctantly nodded, as the three other agents squished onto the same couch. Given that Q was well-used to their miraculous talent of finding loopholes, however, he wasn't satisfied.
"That goes for you too, 001" he continued, pulling back just far enough to see her expression, "As well as the rest of your pack. Got it?"
"Got it". She gave him a sweet smile, completely innocent and carefree and he didn't fall for it for one minute.
"I mean it" he pressed, "No injuring, maiming, and/or killing of any kind, unless someone's life is at immediate risk. Okay?"
"... What if-"
"No".
"But-"
"No".
"Not even-"
"Do I need to get the spray bottle again?"
She wisely chose to remain silent.
"Good". He nodded once, decisively. "In that case, it's time to move on to the second order of business - namely, that you do not, ever, under any circumstances, ever, leave someone a dead body as a present!"
"What?!" Charlie immediately exclaimed, "No! Come on!"
"I mean it, 002. Never!"
"But why not?"
Sweet Star Trek, was he seriously going to have to explain this to them?!
"Because it's not polite!" he said sharply, "And it's not nice! And it's not- not hygienic even in the slightest!"
"... What if we washed the body before-"
"No!"
He pinched the bridge of his nose and wondered if R really had been getting onto something when she told him to never befriend these maniacs.
"002, listen to me. I… somewhat understand how you and your packmates could construe being given a dead body as… something pleasant. However, the vast majority of everyone outside of the double-0s would find it horrifying".
"Why?"
"Because it's a dead body!" he burst out, "And ninety-nine percent of this planet are repelled and terrified and- and downright disgusted by even just the thought of dead things!"
Charlie frowned, clearly trying to understand this seemingly bewildering topic.
"Look, just- just don't give people dead things, alright?" Q finished, "At all. Ever. Just- Just don't!"
"... Alright".
"Good". He let out a sigh of relief. "Now that you understand… or, at least, pretend to understand, it's time for your punishment".
Saif immediately perked up in a way that Q knew he had completely misconstrued the situation, so he was quick to hold up a hand and stop the alpha before he could start.
"An actual punishment, because what you guys did was wrong and you need to learn from it".
The man sadly deflated.
"No explosions for your next mission".
"What?!"
"That's not fair!"
"No!"
"Sweetheart, you can't-"
"Actually, 009, I think you'll find that I can!" he snapped, "You shouldn't have murdered that guy, and you most certainly shouldn't have put his dead body in my office! You need to learn".
"But- But explosions? On our next mission?!"
He raised a solitary eyebrow. "Do you want me to take them away from you for two missions?"
They wisely chose to remain silent. Until there was a rather loud knock on the door, that was, at which point they all leaped to their feet and started growling again.
"Come in!" Q called, resisting the urge to sigh.
Bill cautiously pushed open the door and paused at the sight in front of him. Which the omega couldn't exactly blame him for, given that he was currently surrounded by four growling alphas while a fifth remained holding onto him like he would disappear if she didn't.
"... M sent me to collect you" he started slowly, "He wants to meet in his office, but if this is a bad time, then-"
"No" Q quickly interrupted, "No, Bill, actually, this a great fucking time".
Gently prising Alexis' arms from around his waist, he stepped out of her hold and gave the other agents a sharp glare.
"Stand down, you idiot knotheads! He's a friend!"
The growling lowered in volume but didn't halt completely, so Q rather cheerfully picked back up his spray bottle, marched around to stand in front of the group, and spritzed them all with water.
"I told you to stand down!"
They all stumbled back in horror, spluttering and clawing at their eyes in disgust.
Honestly, he mused, if they were going to act like badly trained house cats, then they were just going to have to bloody well get used to their punishment.
"Now here's what's going to happen. I am going to leave this room with Bill here, and Alexis will be coming with me. She will then leave to do whatever the hell she pleases while you lot stay here. Now pick a corner. And stand in it".
The four double-0's stared back at him, wide-eyed, until he raised the spray bottle once more. Giving each other a quick unreadable look, they each spun on their heels and silently strode off to a different corner of the room, standing straight and facing the wall.
"Good job" he praised calmly, "Now you are going to stay there and think about what you did for the next half hour. There will be no moving, no talking, and certainly no communicating. After half an hour, you are free to go, but if you leave your corner before then, I will know, and I will not let you come within twenty feet of me for the next three months! Am I clear?"
There was a mumble of agreement across the room. Q rolled his eyes at their ridiculous antics.
"I said, am I clear?"
"Yes sir!"
"Good" he finished, "Half an hour. Learn from it".
Turning back to a wide-eyed Bill, he gestured at the door. "Shall we?"