The Gambit of Shame
Bill didn't say a word as they walked through the empty halls of MI6, although Q wasn't sure if that was because he was still in shock from the double-0s being treated like toddlers, or because Alexis was currently waltzing along next to him on his other side.
She may look harmless, after all, but Tanner was Chief of Staff for a reason, so he knew full well not to underestimate her.
They stepped into the elevator together, and Q frowned when 001 didn't hit any of the buttons asides from the top floor where M's office was. Turning to her, he raised a solitary eyebrow.
"You said I could do whatever I please" she said innocently and he blinked. "Well… yes".
"It pleases me to be with you".
Next to him, Bill choked.
Q merely sighed, decided that this was just his fucking life now, and said no more.
When the elevator doors reopened, he followed the beta down the hall, around the corner, and into Eve's office. Unfortunately, it was empty, which meant that Q had no distractions at all for what was coming.
"Hey".
He looked over at Alexis in surprise, but she merely smiled in response.
"I'll wait right here, honey, okay?" she promised, gesturing at one of the waiting chairs, "And if Mallory tries anything, then I'll rip his throat out".
Bill seemed to be having a heart attack in the background. Q ignored him.
"That's not very patriotic of you, 001".
"Fuck patriotism" she scoffed, "I'll protect whoever makes the best explosions, thank you very much".
"Well, I've heard some good things about North Korea in that regard" he replied calmly, "Perhaps you're playing for the wrong team".
"Nah, that climate doesn't agree with me. I'm quite happy exactly where I am". She shrugged, then leaned forwards and kissed his cheek. "Now go terrorize our new boss, okay?"
"Actually, 001, I think you'll find that that's your area of expertise" Q teased, even as he took a step back and headed towards the large leather door, "But, by the way, if I do get fired, then you will not, under any circumstances, rip Mallory's throat out".
"Hmm… no promises".
He should really get Bill a glass of water or something, the poor man was starting to look rather ill.
"Don't terrorize Eve when she comes in, okay?" he finished, "Because it's not just me that you'll have to answer to".
Alexis grinned and gracefully sat down in the nearest chair, her green eyes sparkling with mischief. "Oh, hun, I know. Edie's quite fond of her too, so it seems. It'll be interesting to… see what all the fuss is about".
Q paused with one hand on the doorknob, before glancing back and giving her a look.
"Behave, or there will be no more hugs for a month!"
She quickly nodded, looking suitably chastised. Taking a deep breath, he turned back to the door, pushed it open, and then followed Bill inside.
"Quartermaster" M greeted, looking as put together as ever, despite the slightly drawn expression on his face. Q supposed that being woken up at six in the morning by being told there was a body to dispose of would do that to anyone.
"Sir" he returned, somewhat cautiously.
The alpha gestured in front of him. "Take a seat".
Bill followed him as far as the two high-backed chairs across from M, but remained standing with his hands clasped behind his back and his skin still quite pale. Being Chief of Staff, it was his job to deal with any disciplinary actions that might arise, and despite the fact that the double-0s reported directly to Q, Q, in turn, had to report to Tanner.
"You'll be pleased to hear that a clean-up crew has removed the body from your office, and thoroughly cleaned any surface that it might have come into contact with" M said.
"Thank you, sir".
The man took a deep breath and clasped his hands together in front of him. "Now, what of the double-0s?"
"The situation's under control" the omega replied confidently, "They've been dealt with".
M studied him closely for a moment before suddenly turning to Bill. "Should I be worried?"
Tanner swallowed thickly and replied rather faintly. "He has them standing in the corner like misbehaving toddlers".
"Well they are misbehaving toddlers!" Q snapped, spinning around to face the beta, "So if they're going to act like one then they're going to be punished like one!"
Bill stared at him, wide-eyed and somewhat scared.
"You sprayed them in the face with water. You sprayed four double-0 killing machines in the face with water. And they didn't kill you!"
He sniffed. "Yes. Well. They know exactly what would happen if they did".
The beta continued to stare.
Q rolled his eyes at the man. "No explosions, Tanner! They would get no more explosions! At least try to keep up, would you?"
Bill slowly turned back to M, pure unadulterated fear etched into every line on his face.
"Permission to sit down, sir?"
"Permission granted".
The beta collapsed in the chair next to the Quartermaster, pulled an old-fashioned handkerchief from his pocket, and dabbed his sweating brow with it.
Was handling the double-0s really this much of a big deal?!
M watched him for a moment, as if confirming to himself that the man wasn't about to faint, before turning back to Q.
"They're… standing in a corner?"
"Four corners" he corrected, "Four different corners. Of a rec room. They've got about… oh, I'd say twenty-odd minutes left".
"Before-?"
"Before they're allowed to leave" he finished, somewhat obviously, before adding on a quick, "Sir".
M stared at him.
Bill stared at him.
Why was everyone staring at him?!
"And you… believe that the double-0s… stayed there?" the alpha eventually asked, "After you left?"
"Yes".
"... The double-0s" he repeated, "Glorified hitmen… just… remaining in the corner?"
Q huffed and crossed his arms. "Well, pull up the bloody camera feed, if you don't believe me! Or just ask Alexis!"
"... Alexis-"
"-Palladino, 001, yes" he finished impatiently, "She's currently sitting outside waiting for me".
Bill gave M a slightly cautious look. "She, uh… She also threatened to murder you, sir… multiple times".
The alpha remained silent for a moment before leaning back in his chair, looking rather miffed.
"Well. That's an act of gross insubordination, if I've ever heard of one".
"She didn't mean it" Q quickly added, "Or, well, I mean, she did, but- but you're not going to kill me so… so she probably won't kill you".
M continued to stare.
The omega shifted rather uncomfortably in his seat.
"... Do you mean to tell me that we have a rogue double-0 who is no longer loyal to England and is instead loyal to you, Quartermaster?"
Bill gave a slightly hysterical laugh.
"Oh, it's not just her, sir. They all are".
Q was starting to genuinely fear for the man's mental health.
"They're still loyal to England" he said firmly, "They just also happen to have a slight obsession with explosions, and I happen to be the explosion maker. That's it".
"You sprayed them in the face with water and they didn't kill you!" Tanner exploded, "Do you even know how many employees we've lost after a single day because they just happened to bump into one of the double-0s?! As soon as anyone meets the- the- the terrors, they turn around and run away screaming! Everyone in the psych department refuses to work with them, half of medical have banned them from their offices, and even a few of the regular agents have handed in their papers just after a single conversation with the monsters!"
Q blinked. "... And?"
"And you sprayed them in the face with water and they didn't kill you!"
He shrugged, not really understanding why everyone was making a big deal out of this.
"They're just… overgrown cats".
"What?!"
"They're overgrown cats" he repeated calmly, "Dangerous, yes. Vicious, vindictive killing machines, also yes. They can be arrogant, intelligent, aloof, destructive, manipulative, calculating, feral, and cold, and they thrive on chaos. They're predators, plain and simple, and very likely the nine most deadly creatures on this planet… But pat them on the head, scratch under their chin, and tell them they did a good job, and they'll be loyal to you for life".
Both men continued to stare.
"You once told me that they would never use their dynamic against you" M said suddenly, "Do you still believe that?"
"Yes" he replied immediately, without a hint of hesitation, "Now more than ever. They're… protective. Of me".
"Hence why they tracked down and murdered the man who injured you".
Bill immediately straightened up. "Wait, what? Injured you? How? When?"
"It was during the whole… Nine Eyes incident". Q tried to wave it off. "It's nothing, don't worry".
"It's clearly not nothing if four double-0s went on a killing spree over it!"
"They're just overprotective!" he protested, "And bored! What else could they do?"
"Oh, I don't know" Tanner replied dryly, "Maybe get a hobby?!"
"Do you really want to give a double-0 a set of knitting needles?"
In front of him, M sighed heavily and briefly put his face in his hands.
"The fact remains, Quartermaster, that not only did you refuse to report this incident, but you didn't even go to medical!"
He shrugged. "Duncan stitched me up".
"Duncan- You mean 003?!" Bill explained, and the omega nodded. "Yeah. He's pretty good with a first aid kit, you know. Computers, too".
Q vaguely wondered if they would ever stop staring at him again.
"... I'm going to let it slide just this once, Quartermaster" M finally said, "Both because the injuries you refused to report haven't affected your work, and also because I'm quite fond of living and don't plan on letting 001 change that anytime soon. But you will report to medical immediately and tell them everything, and god forbid if a situation like this ever happens again, then you will not, and I repeat not, let the most violent and aggressive hitman that the world has ever seen drug you and give you stitches! Is that clear?"
Q was thankfully smart enough to realise that mentioning the fact that Duncan hadn't, actually, given him any painkillers was probably a bad idea.
"Yes sir".
"Good. You are dismissed".
Giving Bill a nod, Q gladly stood up and left the room, shutting the door firmly behind him once he reached Eve's office. The woman herself had evidently just started work for the day, given that she was still wearing her coat and holding a stylish handbag, and 001…
"Alexis!" he snapped, "What did I say about misbehaving?"
The redhead blinked innocently from where she was daintily sitting in Eve's chair, and gave him a calm, woe-is-me look.
"But I'm not misbehaving".
"You're in her chair!"
"There are plenty of other chairs".
"001".
"Quartermaster".
"Alexis".
"Q".
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"You have precisely ten seconds to vacate that chair and let the poor woman sit down, or I will withhold daily hugs for a week!"
The alpha paused and seemed to carefully consider his words, as if weighing up the pro of intimidating Eve versus the con of no more cuddle time. After exactly nine seconds, she decided that it just wasn't worth it, and gracefully stood up without a single crease in her light blue summer dress.
Q wasn't sure if that was the reason Eve was glaring at the double-0, or if it was simply because she'd taken her spot.
Knowing her, it could honestly be either.
"Thank you" the omega said, holding out both arms, and Alexis happily wrapped herself around him again.
As well as the spray bottle and go-stand-in-the-corner methods had worked, he wasn't actually a fan of negative reinforcement, and preferred to use positive methods instead. Given enough time, he was confident that he could train the double-0s into acting with just a little bit of decorum by simply withholding a hug. It was already working on 001, after all.
"I have to go to medical" Q said, pulling back, "Are you coming with or do you have other things to do?"
"Not at the moment, hun. Did Mallory behave?"
He gave her a look. "The only one misbehaving here, is you, Ms Palladino".
She shrugged, completely unabashed. "I was only having some fun! I wanted to see what she'd do".
Q sighed and rolled his eyes at her before finally turning to face the only occupant of the room.
"Good morning, Eve".
"Is it?" she asked dryly, "From what I hear, you've already had quite the morning".
He waved a dismissive hand. "It was just a simple miscommunication".
"It was a dead body".
"It was meant to be a gift".
She stared at him. "A dead body".
"Like I said, there was some… miscommunication".
Eve merely scoffed and shook her head, finally taking off her coat and sitting down.
It wasn't that Q didn't understand that the very-fucking-dead-body shouldn't be considered a present - he had quite literally lectured the double-0s about that, after all - but at the same time, he could see where they were coming from. The double-0s were guns for hire, hitmen, and assassins all rolled into one, but it wasn't just their training that made them so good at their job - it was just who they were, too. They had that innate killer instinct that ninety-nine percent of the world's population lacked, and that made them… different. Unique. Wired very differently from everyone but each other.
To a double-0, the most important thing in the world was their own survival. That didn't mean they weren't reckless, of course they were, they were downright suicidal at times, but as long as they could pick themselves up at the end of the day, still breathing, still living, no matter how many injuries they had - they considered it a job well done.
And because their top priority was survival, anything that posed a threat to that was an enemy that needed to be eliminated. By killing the man who had shot him, the double-0s were telling Q that he had one less enemy in this world, that his survival rate had just increased, that he was safe now the threat had been disposed of.
In a weird twisted convoluted way, receiving that body in his office had been a present, a present written in whatever weird twisted convoluted love language that the double-0s had.
And now that their present had been taken away from him…
Q carefully detached himself from Alexis' hold and stepped closer to Eve. "Will you do me a favour?"
"I'm not going to help you break out of medical, Q".
"What? No, not that - although that is a very interesting thought, and most certainly one that we'll be coming back to later - but no, I wasn't going to ask about that... Can you update the file?"
She raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow. "The file?"
"The file" he repeated slowly, conscious of the curious look that Alexis was now giving them, "The… intended victims are going to be… looking for a distraction. Think you can give them one?"
Eve grinned, quick and sharp. "Oh, I know just the story to give them".
He grinned back. "You're the best!"
"I know".
Stepping back towards 001, he wasn't surprised when she immediately linked their arms together and pressed herself to his side. If it were anyone except a double-0, then Q would have taken it as a flirtation, a way to get his attention, and he would have had to awkwardly explain no, actually, I'm not straight and sorry, but no, you're not my type.
Since it was a double-0, however...
"Medical?" Alexis asked, sweet and harmless.
"Medical" he confirmed with a sigh, and with another smile at Eve, they left.
The morning crew were starting to appear one by one, and the hallways were busy with people waiting for the elevator or heading up and down the stairs to get to their respective offices.
A few of the alpha's they passed gave Alexis a very appreciative look, until they realised that she was an alpha too, before casting their burning gaze on Q instead. He didn't precisely flinch away from the eye contact, but he couldn't prevent his body from tensing up anyway, and after passing a handful of workers, 001 very quickly caught on.
Letting go of his arm, she wrapped one hand around his waist, a possessive-looking hold from the outside, but strangely comforting for Q himself. Most of the alpha's still staring quickly looked away, thankfully smart enough to realise that they were no match for a double-0 no matter how pretty her omega was. The few idiots who continued leering, quickly scrambled back when Alexis snarled at them as they passed, and they finally reached the elevator in peace.
As soon as the doors closed on the blissfully otherwise empty lift, she dropped her hold and pulled him into a proper hug instead. Q gratefully allowed it, breathing in her scent and calming his racing heart and cursing the very day he found out his dynamic and realised what it entailed.
He couldn't even imagine working at MI6 without the double-0s being overprotective bodyguards, and he barely managed to suppress a laugh at the thought of him ever being scared of the pack of idiots.
"Better?" Alexis asked quietly, one hand rubbing up and down his back soothingly.
"Better" he confirmed, "Thank you".
"You got me out of Nova Scotia in one piece" she countered, "It's the least I can do".
Pulling back, she gave him a wicked grin.
"Although there is one other thing that you could do to pay me back".
He raised a sardonic eyebrow. "Which is?"
"Nothing difficult, don't worry! I just want you to answer a question for me".
"A question? One question?"
"One question".
Given that she was a double-0 and had plenty of training - not to mind experience - in knowing exactly what to ask a suspect, Q probably should have said no. But fuck it, he was curious, so-
"Alright, deal. What do you want to know?"
Her grin widened, deep green eyes sparkling with mischief, and he suddenly wondered if he had just made a grave mistake.
"That's simple" Alexis replied, "How long have you been pranking Edie?"