Death Warrant
"Behave" Q said firmly, pointing an accusatory finger as not one, not two, but all six double-0s followed him into his ground-floor apartment.
They all stared back at him, perfectly pleasant looking and not at all innocent.
"And don't scare the cats!" he finished sternly, before spinning on his heel and heading for his room.
There was a strange almost butterfly-like sensation in the pit of his stomach at the thought of having the double-0s in his flat, but he wasn't sure if it was the good kind of nervousness or the bad. His delightful hindbrain was pointing out that he needed to make a good impression for the alphas if he wanted them to stick around, and that the pile of half-dirty clothes on his bedroom chair and the dismantled Walter on the kitchen counter and the rather worrying amount of magnetics that littered the coffee table was not how the ideal omega would make such an impression.
Q very wisely told that part of his brain to shut the fuck up.
The rest of him was less intent on impressing the alphas in his apartment and more focused on holy shit there were alphas in his apartment! which wasn't a very helpful thought to focus on either, so Q told that part of his mind to go to hell too.
In the end, he was left with a weird combination of excitement and nerves as he closed his bedroom door behind him, flung open his wardrobe doors, and tried to find a t-shirt, cardigan, sweater, anything that could cover the angry splotches on his neck without him having to resort to makeup.
The time-consuming aspect of applying concealer aside, he really didn't want to have to explain to the double-0s just how, exactly, he became so talented in covering up bruises.
The sound of shattering glass made him pause.
There was a beat of silence, and then two, and then-
"It's okay! Everything's fine, I promise!"
Q sighed and shook his head, but couldn't fight down the fond smile threatening to spread across his face. Instead, he reached into the very back of his closet and pulled out the Missoni striped sweater that he hadn't worn since Austria and had it really only been a month since he'd gotten on a plane for James bloody Bond?
In a brief fit of sentimentality - and insanity - he pressed the grey and maroon fabric to his face and breathed in, as if searching for the long-lost scent of snow and adrenaline and warmth.
There was nothing, of course, except for the clean and slightly citrusy scent of Persil washing detergent and his own nostalgia.
Pulling out a clean pair of pressed trousers, he briefly debated if he could go for a shower or not, before realising that a, he probably didn't have enough time; b, he didn't feel particularly comfortable at being completely naked with six alphas only a room away; and c, he didn't feel particularly comfortable at leaving those same alphas unattended in his flat to begin with if they'd already managed to break something.
Sighing, Q finished getting changed, triple-checked that the turtleneck sweater covered the bruises marring his neck, and then flung open the door and marched back to the kitchen with an air of disappointment and annoyance.
The double-0s all froze, guilty expressions coming over their usually blank faces. Duncan was leaning back against the counter, arms crossed. Alexis was sitting up on the worktop next to him, in the process of closing the cat food bag that Q belatedly realised was almost empty. Charlie was holding the small bowl, now filled to the brim with fishy-tasting treats while Edie stood at the sink, holding the overflowing water container. Alec was standing in the middle of the kitchen, Yana pressed against his legs and Paco held securely in his arms the absolute traitors, while, finally, Saif remained crouching on the floor, brushing up pieces of what used to be a glass.
"What" Q bit out, both hands on his hips, "did I say about touching things?!"
"We're only trying to help!" Edie exclaimed, finally turning off the tap, but he ignored her and instead continued to glare at Saif who, as usual, seemed entirely unabashed despite the evidence quite literally being in his hands.
"It wasn't my fault".
Q raised a solitary eyebrow.
"... Okay, so it was kind of my fault".
The other eyebrow also rose.
"I just wanted to see if cats really do knock glasses off tables!" he protested, "So I got a glass and I got a cat and… well…"
"The cat knocked the glass off the table" he finished dryly, "What a surprise, I'm shocked".
"Hey! I've never had a cat before!"
"Didn't you have any pets growing up?!"
"No!" Saif shot back, before pausing, "... Well, not unless you count that tiger my Uncle Farid had for a few years".
They all stared at him.
"Well that explains a fucking lot".
He spun around and scowled fiercely at him. "Watch it, Fortier! I didn't see you telling me not to do this!"
"Yeah, because I mistakenly thought that you were a fucking adult!"
Q pinched the bridge of his nose and ignored their bickering. "Children. You lot are actual bloody children with the impulse control of a- a- a cat!"
"Hey! I take offence to that!" Saif snapped, spinning back to face him, but the Quartermaster merely gestured at the broken glass with a rather pointed look.
The man pouted and finally turned back to pick up the tiny shards, all the while muttering under his breath, "I can control my impulses if I want to. Just you watch, you little menace. I'm going to control the shit out of these impulses".
Q needed a drink. Desperately. And it wasn't even time for work yet.
After feeding the cats - and suspiciously checking that they weren't drugged, tortured, and/or coerced into liking Alec - Q made a large flask of tea, added half a bag of sugar, and took a special sense of delight in seeing the disgust and mild horror on the faces of the double-0s as they watched him do it.
After squishing back into the car, it only took Alexis ten minutes to drive the rest of the way to MI6, and Q was too bloody exhausted to lecture her about the purpose of speed limits.
His headache only worsened when he saw Eve waiting for them at the entrance, a rather grim look on her face as she informed him that M was expecting to see him immediately.
Q vaguely remembered promising the man not to let "the most violent and aggressive hitman that the world has ever seen" stitch him up again, but he also remembered promising to let him know if the double-0s ever caused him any trouble and so far they'd been nothing but trouble so-
Oh well.
Even M wasn't capable of killing him twice.
Walking through the halls of MI6 with six double-0s and the most dangerous woman alive was an interesting experience, and Q was more than grateful to see everyone quickly jump out of his way instead of leering, grabbing, and/or whistling at him. Saif still snarled at anyone who stared too long, just as he had all those weeks before when Q had first stopped wearing scent blockers, and Alec limped along at his other side with a casual yet protective arm thrown over his shoulders. Behind them, Eve was talking quietly with Edie, so the omega presumed that she was forgiven for the entire prank-story-tears debacle.
Either that, or the double-0 had realised that there were far more important things to argue about, such as who would get first honours of tracking down the murderous alpha who was on a rampage for Q's head.
There was nothing like a little bit of murder to bring people together.
Reaching M's office, the Quartermaster scowled as Eve sat down in the chair with a pleased sigh, but the woman herself simply smirked in response.
"Bill's already inside" she added, tidying up the pens on her desk.
"Bill? Why?!"
She levelled him with a look. "Because you were attacked by a member of staff and he's the chief of staff".
"Well, yeah, but- but Mortner was already fired!"
"What?" Duncan snarled from behind him. "The bastard who did this to you shouldn't have even fucking been here?!"
"Stand down, 003" he replied tiredly, "He's long gone by now".
"We'll fucking see about that!" he growled, pulling out his phone, and Q suddenly remembered with startling clarity how it had been Duncan who had managed to track down the last idiot who'd decided to hurt him.
He felt almost sorry for Hans fucking Mortner.
Almost.
"They're waiting for you" Eve said, regaining his attention by gesturing at the door, and Q sighed, winced, and then turned to face his impending doom… before being immediately distracted once more as Alec and Charlie flanked either side of him.
"We're coming with you".
"What?" he exclaimed, "No you're not!"
"Yes, котеночек, we are" Charlier replied evenly, "So either you let the two of us accompany you, or all six of us will find our own ways into that room".
Q stared at him.
"... Why you two?"
Because the double-0s never did anything without a reason, of course.
In response, Charlie simply nodded at the others, and Q belatedly realised that they were all already doing something. Edie had recaptured Eve's full attention by draping herself almost obscenely across the secretary's desk, Duncan was typing far too quickly on his phone and muttering under his breath about "fucking Mallory" and "fucking Mortner", and even Alexis and Saif were sitting in the waiting room chairs, heads bent low as they talked quietly in a language that Q didn't recognise, and he got a sudden flashback to the drunken hazy night before when the same two packmates had withdrawn to their own side of the room and potentially planned a murder.
He'd have to keep an eye on them.
Turning back, he studied Alec and Charlie and tried to figure out just why it was those two, of all the pack, that had been silently nominated for cub duty. It wasn't as if Alec was at full health after all, despite how much damage Q knew he could still inflict even with his injuries. Although, now that he thought about it, perhaps that was the point - lulling M and Bill into a false sense of security by playing up his wounded state. Charlie's nomination was more straightforward, to Q at least, since the quiet unassuming man did hold the number one position for blending into the background. Maybe the double-0s thought there was a chance that M simply wouldn't notice him.
It was a great plan in theory; in practice, however…
"Us two, or all six" Alec reminded him, already heading for the large wooden door opposite them, and Q decided fuck it, he was in enough trouble at it was, so what more could Mallory do?
"Quartermaster" M greeted, looking up as they entered, "And… others".
He could smell the confusion and slight concern in the man's scent from here.
"Sir" Q replied evenly, taking a seat, "I tried to leave them outside, but I'm afraid it was either these two or all six".
The Head of MI6 looked appropriately horrified at the thought.
"Well then. Good morning 002, and… 006, I don't believe I've yet had the pleasure".
Q was half expecting a flirtatious response, something terribly clichéd like "the pleasure is all mine" or "I've only heard good things, don't worry", but to his surprise, Alec's green eyes remained serious and oddly suspicious as he stayed silent, leaning back against the door with his arms folded across his chest.
Which was really quite the feat, Q had to admit, reluctantly impressed, considering that one of those arms was still sprained and had to be protesting against the unnatural angle it was being held at.
The awkward silence lasted only a moment before Bill cleared his throat, nodded at both agents in greeting, and then turned back to M with an expectant look on his face.
He was probably immune to the strange ways of the double-0s by now.
"Right. Yes. Onto our first order of business then" he continued, shuffling the papers in front of him, "Miss Moneypenny said that you were attacked by a member of staff?"
"Ex-member of staff" he corrected, "Hans Mortner".
M paused. "... Well, that answers my next question. Mortner was meant to leave by five".
"Evidently, sir, he didn't".
"He waited for you then?" M asked sharply, "This was premeditated?"
Q shifted somewhat uncomfortably in his chair, far too aware of the four pairs of eyes focusing solely on him, and even more aware of the fact that three of those gazes belonged to alphas.
"... Someone helped him".
"Helped him?"
"I went down to the accounts department to hand in the quarterly budget report" he explained, "It was late, after hours, and only a handful of them remained. I handed in the report and turned to leave, but there was a group of alphas waiting for the elevator, and I… didn't want to deal with that". He winced self-consciously. "No offence, sir".
"None taken" M immediately replied, waving for him to continue.
"So I decided to take the stairs back to my office instead, but I hadn't even taken ten steps before Mortner appeared".
"He was waiting for you" Bill realised, "But- why?"
Q gave a wry smirk and nodded in Alec's direction. "Because blondie over there decided to dislocate his arm in order to protect my virtue... Mortner is a dynamicist prat, simple as, but for him to be waiting for me…"
"He knew when and where you were going to be" M finished, and the omega nodded. "Yeah. And that's the problem. If there were just one or two things for him to take into consideration, then… fair enough, it would have been pure chance if it had all worked out for him, but it wasn't. It couldn't have been. The number of factors that had to line up just right for me to be on that staircase, at that exact time, right after leaving the accounts department…"
"He had help".
"Yeah. And it was planned".
M let out a slow breath and leaned back in his seat. A brawl between two co-workers was one thing, after all, but a premeditated assault of the third most important person in MI6 was quite another.
"... We'll look into it" Mallory finally replied, "Get the junior agents to ask around, go back through the CCTV, try to find out exactly who Mortner spoke to and when".
"He's already gone to ground" Bill added, "His apartment's empty, but his car is still in the driveway. He's running, but he can't run forever. We'll find him".
"And when you do?" Charlie asked, and Q jumped, having forgotten that the man was there, before immediately cursing himself for doing so because that was exactly what the bloody idiot had wanted them to do, now, wasn't it?
"When we find him?" Bill confirmed, and the man nodded, half hidden in the shadows at the far side of the room.
The Chief of Staff turned back to M with raised eyebrows, but Mallory merely made a 'what can you do' gesture before replying.
"The appropriate actions will be taken, I assure you, 002. Mortner will be questioned and detained, just like any other rogue employee".
"Yeah, except no other rogue employee attacked the Quartermaster of MI6!" Alec snarled, pushing off the wall and taking a threatening step forward, "He needs to be put down for what he'd done!"
"He will be dealt with appropriately, 006" M replied, just as sharp, "And as for what he's done…"
The alpha's gaze cut back to Q, questioningly, and the omega cursed the stupidly attractive agent for reminding the man of his go-to-medical promise.
"... Nothing serious" he finally settled on, "Just a few bruises, that's all".
"Cub, he tried to murder you!"
"Yes, 006, I am aware, because I was there!" he snapped, spinning around to face him, "Now shush!"
He gave him a disbelieving, almost offended look, but Q ignored him - and Bill's panicked choking sound - as he turned back to M.
"I'm fine, sir, really".
"I'm sure you are, Quartermaster, but what I'd like to know, is if medical would also confirm that prognosis?"
Fuck.
"I'm sure they would" he replied, forcing his voice to remain steady, "Unfortunately, however, I went directly home last night and planned to go to Doctor Arkhov today, since my injuries are so… not serious".
Even Bill was giving him an exasperated look.
"And if I asked 003?" M pressed, "What would he say about your apparently not serious injuries?"
Q lasted approximately ten seconds under the man's disapproving gaze before he cracked.
"I didn't even need stitches this time!"
There was a sudden noise behind him. "This time?!"
He ignored them. "Technically speaking, sir, you only ordered me to go to medical if there were stitches involved, and since there were no stitches involved, I just…"
"Allowed a notoriously aggressive hitman unlimited access to your throat" M finished succinctly, before giving the omega an exasperated look when he blinked in shock, "Contrary to your agents' belief, Q, I am not in fact an idiot. You've never worn a turtleneck before, it's not a particularly cold day today, and your voice is slightly strained… Mortner choked you".
It wasn't a question.
"Did 003 at least check for internal damage?"
"Of course he did!" he exclaimed, just as two affronted growls echoed from behind him, "Honestly, sir, it's not that bad".
"It's bad enough for you to hide the bruises" Bill added mildly, and Q shot him a dark look, "Traitor!"
He was distantly aware of a quiet conversation starting up in Russian from the corner of the room, but based on the blank looks both Tanner and Mallory were sporting, neither of them understood the language.
Which was yet again another reason Alec and Charlie had been the two chosen to accompany him, Q realised, wincing as the former let out a rather lengthy amount of expletives.
"Your request for Doctor Arkhov to be made your primary physician was approved for a reason, Quartermaster" M said, "Use him".
He reluctantly nodded, wisely realising that he was never going to win this particular argument.
"Good" Mallory finished, "Well then, I would assign you a protective detail until Mortner is found, but apparently, the double-0s have beaten me to it".
"They've grown quite attached" he admitted, "Apparently, my death would be a rather large inconvenience".
"For them and me both" he replied with a faint smile, "Until such a time as we have found Mortner, however, I would suggest that you allow their… pestering".
"And after you've found him?" Q asked wryly, but before M could reply, the omega heard the words "tracking device" and "disembowelment" from behind him. He immediately spun around to face the bloody troublemakers. "Hey! Замолчи! Никаких убийств".
"But-"
"Нет!" he snapped, switching back to English for the benefit of the rest of the room, "There will be no murder of any kind unless your boss orders it!"
They continued to stare back at him, unfazed, and Q huffed and rolled his eyes. "I meant M! Obviously!"
"Oh!" Alec realised, turning to face the very unamused man, "Sir, surely you must understand-"
"What I understand, 006, is that not a single one of my most lethal agents have a single ounce of respect for me" he replied flatly, "Now tell me, why is that?"
He blinked, frowned, and turned to Charlie, who simply frowned back at him in response. They seemed to have a silent conversation for approximately seven seconds, before Alec shrugged, turned back to the Head of MI6, and very calmly said-
"Well, you see, we would respect you as our all-benevolent leader, but… well, we prefer Q".
The omega in question facepalmed.
He felt rather like an exasperated - and exhausted - parent who'd just been called into the principal's office the third time that week for their child's playground fighting.
"They're not usually this badly behaved" he said weakly.
"Aren't we?" Charlie asked, surprised, "Alec, we're slipping".
"I heard" he replied seriously, "We need to rectify this. Immediately".
The other agent nodded just as sagely. "Yes. With murder".
"No. Murder!" Q exploded, "Are you trying to get yourselves retired?!"
"Oh please, we're far too good for that".
Which-
Yeah, actually.
Technically speaking.
Turning back to M, Q tried desperately not to melt into the ground with shame. This was no longer on the in trouble for playground fighting level, this was now on the about to be expelled for arson level.
Thankfully - so, so thankfully - Bill came to his rescue.
"Perhaps, sir, this is as good a place as any to end the meeting?"
"Wise as always, Mr Tanner" M replied, "We'll keep searching for Mortner, but in the meantime, the double-0s will be kept on protection duty, barring any international incident of course. And- agents?"
Both Alec and Charlie paused from where they were already halfway out the door, Q sandwiched in between them and wondering just how on earth they'd managed to move him so quickly.
"You may be indispensable, but don't think for one moment that you're not disposable" M finished, suddenly sounding a lot more alpha than before, "So keep our Quartermaster safe. Or you'll find out just how replaceable you are".