Two Near Misses
As much as Q hated to admit it, both James and Alec had been right, and after their soundboarding-cuddle-nap session, he felt a million times better. Being able to think more clearly, plus the new intel they'd managed to uncover, put everything into a far better perspective, and it wasn't long before he found a crack in Ourumov's defences.
Unfortunately, the crack in question was in Monaco, which meant he had to send James.
None of his agents spoke a lenga d'i nostri avi, or the Monegasque language, after all, but the next best thing was French, which only 007 could speak fluently. Q could have taken his chances with the Monégasque education system, but speaking English would only draw attention and the last thing they wanted was to be treated like an étranger.
Instead, he had to take his chances with James - and hope to god that Orumorov was feeling particularly reclusive after his failed kidnapping attempt so that Bond's cover wouldn't be blown before the mission had even started.
At least he wasn't alone this time, Q tried to reassure himself, although that little fact was causing a whole bunch of conflicting feelings inside of him as well.
A single alpha travelling alone garnered a lot of attention - especially in a place as small as Monte Carlo - and they couldn't pull the usual rich white man card either, given that they wanted to keep as low a profile as possible.
But a family?
A family could slip under the radar before the local cops even knew that they were there.
Sending Edie along with him was out of the question of course - Q was fairly certain that they'd burn Monaco to the ground within a week, which left Alexis or Milli. They had briefly considered one of the other male double-0s as well - which had made Saif waggle his eyebrows at a smirking James bloody Bond before Alec's low threatening growl made him back the hell up - but given that most of the city's primary residents were from old money, and therefore stuffy traditionalist alphas, being an openly gay couple would only close more doors than it'd open.
It was eventually decided that Milli should be the one to pose as Mrs Bond, given that she was the best at strategies and politics, and they needed their most analytical mind on hand to try to figure out Ourumov's next move.
Well.
That, plus the fact Alexis couldn't keep her mouth shut for the life of her, and all it'd take would be one old man's off-hand remark about omegas, women, people of colour, or what have you, and she'd blow their cover sky high by "speaking out of turn".
No, for this mission, they needed someone silent but sharp, dainty and fragile looking while utterly unbreakable, able to observe and report without revealing a single thing, and Milli fit that bill to a tee.
That didn't mean Q had to like it, however.
It was utterly ridiculous how irritated he felt at the sight in front of him - the security cameras tracking the apparent "couple" as they walked through the hotel lobby - given that he literally had no claim on James at all. And it wasn't as if he and Milli were even actually together, although, admittedly, they did look the part.
It was just plain weird to see James so openly relaxed, an almost-possessive arm wrapped around her waist as he pulled her in to place a kiss on her forehead, and it was even weirder to see Millicent-Apathetic-Osmund actually laugh at his actions, a hand on his chest as she batted her eyelashes flirtatiously in response.
Everyone they passed, stared, and Q found that he couldn't blame them in the slightest.
They'd sprayed copious amounts of scent blocker on Milli before she'd left to catch their flight, and given that her warm cinnamon scent was already quite muted for an alpha, right now, she was playing a rather convincing beta.
Or even an omega, he mused, watching as she lowered her gaze submissively while James approached the concierge, blending into the background like the perfect little mate should in a place like this - according to their present company only, of course.
But either way, they made a striking pair - both tall, blond, and beautiful, so Q could understand wholeheartedly how everyone else's gaze seemed to gravitate towards the ultimate power couple.
If it was weird for him, however, he couldn't even imagine what it was like for Alec, who was currently sitting on the edge of the table next to him. The omega had offered him a chair, given that they were in the main branch area and there were lots of them around, but the blond had petulantly declared that if he couldn't sit with Q - or, in other words, if Q wouldn't sit on his lap - then he just wasn't going to sit at all.
Sneaking a glance at the alpha, he was surprised to find him as relaxed as he ever got when surrounded by strangers in the middle of HQ. But then again, Q reasoned, the job came first for both James and Alec, so this most definitely was not the first time one of them had to play happy families with someone else.
Hearing Milli's dainty, bell-like laughter, he turned back to the screen just in time for James to flash her roguish grin and for the concierge to give them a sickeningly sweet smile, no doubt finding the perfect alpha and omega's relationship adorable.
He wasn't jealous.
Really.
He wasn't.
Q sighed before tapping his headset to connect to his agents' earpieces.
"You should be placed in room five-oh-three, alias Somerset" he murmured, "It's already pre-paid, so no credit card is needed".
James smiled and nodded at the man behind the desk, the picture-perfect image of an infatuated alpha on holiday with his blushing omega.
"Bon après-midi. Nous avons une réservation sous le nom de Somerset?"
Q shivered despite himself and then blatantly ignored the knowing smirk Alec gave him in response.
"Oui monsieur, dans la chambre cinq cent trois" the concierge replied, typing the name into his computer, "Et combien de temps monsieur et madame resteront-ils?"
"Ten nights" Q said quietly, "It's your five-year wedding anniversary".
"Dix nuits. Nous célébrons une occasion très spéciale" James said fluently, the rolled r's dripping off his tongue like molasses, and the man smiled. "Tres bien, Monsieur. Voici votre clé, et j'espère que vous apprécierez votre séjour avec nous au Beach Plaza Hotel".
"Merci" he replied, taking the old-fashioned brass key, "Je suis sûr que nous le ferons".
They let the bellhop take their bags, and James tipped him generously once they reached their room. It had a king-sized bed overlooking the Mediterranean Sea - a slightly above-average priced room in a slightly above-average priced hotel, all of which kept with the image of a middle-class couple celebrating a special occasion.
As soon as they were alone, however, the facade immediately dropped.
It being May meant that Monaco wasn't too hot, but James still marched over and flung open the patio doors to let in the sounds of screeching seagulls, laughing tourists, and passing traffic six stories below. Unzipping a hidden compartment in one of the suitcases, Milli pulled out a small black device that looked like a panic button, but one which Q had modified to detect infrared lights and hidden cameras with an IR finder.
He was quite proud of that little gadget.
They worked as a pair, using the outside noise to block out the sounds of lifting vases and opening drawers as James checked the back of paintings and underneath the room's phone while Milli scanned the more obscure places such as inside the smoke alarm and behind the bathroom mirror.
While his agents were otherwise occupied, Q ran through some security checks of his own, hacking into the hotel's database to cross-reference any suspicious names, while his personally-invented software went back through the security footage of the double-0s arrival to see if any guest, in particular, paid the couple just that little bit too much attention.
Ten minutes later, they were done, and James gladly shut the balcony's glass doors as Milli began pulling out some carefully hidden equipment from their luggage.
"Clear" he said, tapping his earpiece, "What do you got for us, pup?"
"What I got for you, 007, is a stern warning to use only codenames on comms" he replied dryly, "But asides from that, I'm afraid I've come up empty-handed as well".
"Oh, but where would be the fun in that?" he quipped, shrugging out of his suit jacket to pull on a shoulder holster, "And I hate to say it, pup, but you sound almost disappointed by our lack of trouble".
Q took a sip of lukewarm tea from his cup and grimaced. His scrabble mug had seemingly vanished overnight from the TSS break room, and earl grey just didn't taste the same in this nondescript white Ikea placeholder.
"Don't get me wrong, 007, I am just as glad as you are that your cover hasn't been blown yet, but you have to admit, it would certainly make things easier if Ouromov had already sent one of his men to find out why you're in town".
On-screen, Milli unashamedly pulled up her dress to strap a knife to her inner thigh, and Q very quickly looked away to give her at least some semblance of privacy.
"Since when has our work ever been easy?" James countered, pulling back on his jacket and straightening his collar in the bedroom mirror, "No sightings of our target, then?"
"None whatsoever" he replied, somewhat irritated, "If it hadn't been my own software that had caught a glimpse of Janssen's face, then I would have said it was a fluke. But since it was, in fact, my own software-"
"-then we all know it wasn't a fluke, because your programs are incapable of making mistakes".
From anyone else, the off-hand remark would have sounded almost sarcastic, but coming from James, Q knew that it was genuine, and he quickly took another sip of tea to try and hide his blush from Alec, lest the blond demand another headset for himself.
"Although statistically unlikely, Quartermaster, I agree" Milli added, looking just as perfect as before, despite the no doubt numerous weapons she now had stashed on her body, "Your technology has never failed us in the past, so there is no reason for it to start now. If Colonel Janssen is here, then we shall find her".
"And by finding her, we'll find Ourumov" James finished, turning back to the pile of bags on the floor, "Any signs that we need to lay low for a bit?"
"Thankfully, no" Q replied, "Although I do feel the need to point out that you're meant to be celebrating your wedding anniversary, so any galavanting off to different locations is not advisable. Not right now, at any rate".
"So we act the part, go for a romantic walk along the beach, eat a three-course meal in a fancy restaurant, the works" James said, "And if we happen to talk to a few locals along the way, well, what's the harm in being a little friendly?"
Milli looked decidedly queasy at the idea, and Q couldn't help but empathise.
"Just keep the conversations light and brief" he ordered, "After a few days, once you've established yourselves as regulars in all the local haunts, then you can start splitting up. Claim you have a difference in opinion about what counts as a tourist attraction or something. 007, try to get an in with the old boys club - if there's anyone Ouruomv would make contact with, it'd be them".
"Meanwhile, I shall join the local omega and beta socials" Milli said, "I can express an interest in martial arts or aviation, similar hobbies to that of Colonel Janssen".
"Perfect. Between the two of you, we should hopefully have a better idea of where they're staying by the end of the week".
It hadn't taken him long to break into the registry office of Monaco, or to find out just who, exactly, owned every single house, apartment, or garden shed in the entire country - but it would take days to go through all of those names, and given how paranoid both ex-military Russians were, it was highly unlikely that they had used their own names anyway.
Q took another sip of tea, despite the fact it had now gone cold.
"You're both clear on your objective?"
"Capture Ourumov dead or alive, but preferably alive" James replied, "Say, Quartermaster, I can't help but notice something quite worrying about our luggage here".
Milli immediately turned back to the bags, a scrutinising look on her face as she tried to assess the apparent problem, but fortunately - or unfortunately, depending on how he looked at it - Q had been around James bloody Bond long enough to know exactly what that particular tone of voice meant.
"You are not getting an exploding pen, 007!"
He held up both hands in a faux sign of peace. "Hey, I didn't say anything about an exploding pen, pup. I was just… curious, about what goodies you may or may not have in store for us, but looking at the equipment in these bags… there doesn't seem to be anything fun".
"Is being set loose in the very heart of Monte Carlo on His Majesty's dime not fun enough for you?" he asked dryly, picking up his cup of very cold tea once more.
"Why, of course! I'm not complaining, not at all! I'm simply… wondering about what other fun things the good English people may have paid for".
Q wanted to bite back, wanted to taunt and tease and tell James bloody Bond that he wasn't here solely for his amusement, and that, as the third most important person in MI-bloody-6, he had far better things to do than make frivolous gadgets for his childish agents.
He wanted to say all of that…
Except he had, in fact, made quite a few frivolous gadgets for his most childish agent.
"Don't tell me you didn't examine that lovely watch I gave you to figure out what it does?"
James immediately unlatched the Seamaster and examined it closely. After a moment, he glanced up at the nearest camera and gave a somewhat amused smirk.
"Let me guess… It tells the time?"
Q choked - quite literally, and he spent the next truly mortifying minute coughing and spluttering around a mouthful of tea while Alec firmly patted his back and his minions hovered around him worryingly. Bond, the bastard, just looked smug.
"Yes, well, it, uh, it- it does a lot more than that" he replied, once he finally regained control of his breathing.
"Oh really?" he asked teasingly, "Does it have a particularly loud alarm, by any chance?"
"No, 007, it does not". Q smiled into his cup. "However, I will say that there may be some truth behind that old superstition about midnight being a somewhat… dangerous time".
"How dangerous?"
He was worse than a kitten with catnip.
"Dangerous enough to cut through three-inch steel if you're in an especially sticky situation".
Even on the computer screen in front of him, Q could see how the man's eyes widened in delight.
"Pup".
"It also acts as a wireless detonator" he couldn't help but add, "for the four magnetic explosives hidden in your shoes. Just press the helium release valve on the watch and it'll arm them. Press it again, and it'll disarm them".
"Pup".
"Also your belt is actually a grappling belt that contains a seventy-five-foot steel cable if you pull back the buckle".
"Pup!"
He looked like a kid on Christmas Eve, and next to him, Alec snorted, no doubt correctly guessing the reason for his glee.
"It can definitely support your own weight, but I wouldn't risk carrying another person with you, should you have to use it" Q finished, feeling oddly flustered at the look of pure awe that James was giving him, "Which is why there's a similar cable in 008's handbag, although you'll have to wrap the strap around your waist first if you intend to hold on… Oh! And your purple lipstick contains knockout gas. I tried to incorporate it in a colour you probably wouldn't wear, to prevent any… mishaps from happening, but if you open it and then twist it twice to the right, then it'll spritz enough hydrogen cyanide to flatten whoever's in front of you... Also, your hair tie has a modified carbon nanotube wire I've been working on that can double as a garrote".
Now both of his agents were staring at the camera with actual genuine emotion on their faces, and Q found himself squirming in his seat, uncomfortable with all of the attention even if they were a thousand kilometres away.
"You should probably go to dinner" he finally blurted, when the silence eventually became too much, "Dress up, wear something nice, preferably with those same shoes and belt and handbag, just in case".
"Pup-"
"Quartermaster signing off" he quickly interrupted, reaching up to tear off his headset before James bloody Bond could use that bloody tone of voice to say something bloody stupid like thank you or you're the best or these gadgets are incredible or-
Running a tired hand over his face, he not-so-calmly reminded himself that the alpha in question was not only pretending to be married right now, but also had an actual partner who he was as good as married to - an actual partner who was currently sitting right next to him, looking unfairly attractive and giving him a horribly fond look.
"... You know, I think you're the first Quartermaster we've ever had that actually takes our own preferences into account" Alec said, "A watch for James, a hair tie for Osmund - both things that they'd never leave the house without. You've modified Williams' lock set, and Charlie's shades, and I know you've been playing around with a fire lighter for me".
"Well… it just makes sense" Q replied, somewhat awkwardly, "I mean, what's the point of perfecting a- a leather briefcase with fifty hidden gold sovereigns if only three out of the nine of you would ever use it? Or- Or cigarette case binoculars when only half of you lot actually smoke? I'm only doing my job by making custom weapons that I know you'll use".
"Yeah, well, in that case, you're the first Quartermaster to ever do his job" the blond countered, sliding off the edge of the table and stepping forward, "And while a laser wristwatch might not be an exploding pen, it's definitely the next best thing for James".
He was standing so close that Q had to crane his neck back to look up at him, and a distant voice in the back of his mind quietly pointed out how, if this were any other alpha, then the omega would run.
"You care about us, cub" Alec murmured, somehow, impossibly, moving even closer, "You care about us, as human beings. Not about us as double-0 numbers, or us as weapons, or us as barely restrained killing machines… you care about us, the real us".
Q swallowed thickly as the blond placed both hands on the armrests on either side of his chair and leaned down.
"Now, don't get me wrong - you clearly have your favourites, but given that I'm currently one of those favourites, I can't find it in me to complain".
"Oh yeah?" He was proud of himself when his voice shook only just a little. "You sound pretty sure of yourself there, Trevelyan".
"I am" he replied, leaning even closer, until his face was mere inches away, "Not just anyone gets a custom-made hand grenade, after all. And while Osmund's gadgets are definitely useful, cub, there's nothing stopping any of the rest of us from using them. Nothing like, say, a custom-sized belt or a watch that would only fit one person in particular".
His breath ghosted across Q's face, warm and sweet, and he could practically hear his brain cells shutting down one by one as he inhaled the alpha's scent.
"You and James are the same size" he whispered, and the corner of Alec's mouth twitched. "So we are. Very convenient, that".
"Super convenient" he breathed, no longer entirely sure what he was saying because he was so close Alec was so close his lips were so so close his alpha was-
"Hey, boss, I need you to sign off on- oh! Uh… sorry!" Silvia blurted out, "I didn't mean to- to interrupt, uh… anything".
Q felt like he'd been doused with a bucket of ice-cold water as he was suddenly and rather forcefully reminded that they were in the middle of his branch.
"No apologies needed, boffinette". Alec flashed her a disarming grin, but there was a tension in his shoulders that Q felt only he could see. "The Quartermaster and I were just having a rather… inspiring conversation about his equipment".
The omega flushed bright red at the painfully obvious double-entree, and pushed his chair even further away from the man in response, quickly standing up and clearing his throat.
"Yes, we, uh, we- we were just, uh, I mean, we-"
"I just need your signature" Silvia interrupted, blessed, sensible Silvia, who was, admittedly, looking a little red in the cheeks.
"Yes! My- My signature, of course, here, let me just, uh- let me just take that" he rushed, reaching out for the clipboard.
He didn't even glance at the release forms he was approving; both because his mortification and some other feelings were making his head fuzzy right now, but also because Silvia was one of the few minions he had that he trusted wholeheartedly.
Which reminded him - he needed to talk to R about training her up to be the alpha's replacement, because even as a beta, Silvia had no qualms whatsoever in going toe-to-toe with their most boisterous of agents.
"Here you go". Q finished signing the last document and returned them to her. "Uh, was that- was that all?"
"Yes sir" she agreed, if a bit too quickly, "Thank you, sir".
She spun on her heel and walked back towards her station, and Q became uncomfortably aware of the side glances and subtle looks that most of his workers were sending his way. Clearing his throat once more, he turned back to the monitors in front of him, both glad and dismayed that the hotel room on screen was empty.
Glad, because that meant his double-0s were behaving and the mission was progressing as planned, but dismayed because that also meant that he had absolutely no distraction from the very much misbehaving double-0 who was currently standing right next to him.
There was a beat of silence as he rather obviously avoided the man's gaze.
"Cub-"
"006-"
They stopped.
Alec smirked, which set the omega's heart racing yet again, and Q kind of hated him for it.
The blond gestured.
"Please, you go first".
"Thank you" he replied, automatically, before his brain froze once more because-
What the hell did you say to an assassin for hire that you almost kissed in the middle of MI6 while his partner was six hundred miles away on a life-threatening mission?!
"I-" he tried again, but fell short, "I mean, I, uh… I just- I just wanted to say that… that, uh-"
*beep-beep-beep…beep—beep—beep…beep-beep-beep*
He had never before been so grateful for their mighty and benevolent leader.
"Sorry". Q winced, pulling his phone from his pocket. "It's M. I, uh… I have to go".
"'Course". Alec smiled, but that tension still remained. "I'll talk to you later, cub".
Quickly heading for the door, the omega couldn't help but wish that whatever the hell M needed him for, was going to take a long, long time.