No Sensayuma
Unfortunately, what M needed him for was a simple five-minute heads-up sort of meeting, which meant there was nothing preventing Q from returning to his branch and facing Alec after their almost-but-not-quite-something.
Fortunately, however, the heads-up in question that M wanted to tell him was related to the quarterly budget which was, somehow, against all odds, due yet again sometime in the following two weeks.
Unfortunately, their mighty and benevolent leader had politely yet rather firmly suggested that Q get it in on the twentieth like the accounts department preferred, rather than wait until the end of May when the budget was, you know, actually due.
Fortunately, this meant that Q had a ton of work to get done very very quickly so that he could have the budget completed by then, which gave him the perfect excuse for avoiding talking to Alec.
Unfortunately… he was now avoiding talking to Alec.
Q distantly wondered if this was his life now - jumping from budget report to budget report while trying to desperately steer clear of his two favourite people who were very much still together and very much out of his league.
He wished Milli was here to make him see the logic of his actions.
Or, perhaps, the lack thereof.
Either way, it meant he spent the next few incredibly long, busy days either holed up in his office with the budget review or locked away at his workstation in the garage where he was angrily trying to figure out why his taser had suddenly stopped working.
He didn't go out of his way to avoid Alec, but likewise, he didn't seek him out, instead taking his comfort from Alexis's warm hugs and Saif's hair ruffles and the stoic yet somehow comforting scowl that Duncan gave every time he asked the man "too personal" a question.
Alec seemed to also be not-not-avoiding him too, however, so the omega knew that it wasn't just him feeling out of sorts about what almost-maybe-possibly-but-most-definitely-did-not happen. He just… didn't know what he'd say to the alpha if the blond brought it up, and Alec was never one to shy away from a conversation just because it was difficult.
But thankfully, they never ended up alone together since the incident - and no, that was most definitely not because of Q memorising his minions' rote schedules and auspiciously placing himself between them and 006 whenever the man entered the room, thank you very much.
He decided to send Daniel to deliver the budget report to the accounting department after he finally finished it - and printed it out on actual paper once again as the absolute heathens demanded - because Q honestly just couldn't handle their dynamicist bigotry right now.
Either he'd be too lost in his thoughts and one of the bastards would get the drop on him, or he'd react with just that little bit too much pent-up aggression and-
Well.
M already had enough dead bodies to deal with.
The rest of his time was spent handling James and Milli's mission, which was, thankfully, at least one thing that was going to plan.
James had successfully integrated himself into the old boys club with his charming words and signature smirk, and within a week, he had them all tripping over themselves to tell him other people's secrets. It helped that Mr Somerset was supposedly a wall street broker and could offer some insider knowledge in return - and Q had almost laughed himself sick at the pure and utter bullshit that the blond had managed to convince the men was the next big thing.
Likewise, Milli had made progress in her area too, albeit from taking a rather different angle. She had wormed her way onto both the national fencing team and Aéro-Club de Monaco - both of which were likely to be frequented by Colonel Janssen in her spare time. Her doll-like appearance and cupid-bow lips had made many men make allowances for her, while her lack of desire to take things further with said men had earned her at least the respect if not the friendship of most of the other women. It helped that she currently smelled like a beta, which made her less of a threat to both omegas and alpha alike and already, she'd been offered invitations to some of the more upper-class events.
They still had breakfast and dinner together each today to maintain their cover, and Milli even posed for ridiculously cute pictures overlooking the Mediterranean Sea for her adoring husband too. To anyone looking in from the outside, Mr and Mrs Somerset appeared to be the perfect couple, but to those that knew them, it was plain as day that they were both just acting the part.
It also didn't escape Q's notice how Mr-takes-any-excuse-to-kiss-a-beautiful-woman didn't kiss her on the mouth once, which he found oddly considerate of James, given Milli's dislike - and possibly even hatred - of physical touch. Whenever they strolled along the beach, his arm remained light around her waist, and whenever they held hands, his remained loose and relaxed rather than holding hers in a tight grip.
It also helped that Milli looked so very dainty, Q supposed, given that in the very unlikely chance that a highly trained operative did see them and realised that they weren't as affectionate as many happily married couples were, they would just as soon dismiss the thought given how fragile she seemed to be.
All in all, it was shaping up to be a rather uneventful mission, but one that would hopefully pay off just as soon as one of his agents caught sight of their target. But other than that, things were running surprisingly smooth and Q even started to hope that perhaps this would be his first incident-free double-0 mission.
"Sir!" Silvia burst into his office, the door slamming back against the wall. "007 just went offline!"
Of fucking course he had.
"007, report!" Q barked, as his minions flitted around anxiously on either side of his desk.
There was only the fuzzy sound of static in his ears.
"007, report in, now!"
Still nothing.
Biting back a sigh, Q tapped his headset as he quickly pulled up the security cameras he had access to on the monitors in front of him, plus a few that he technically shouldn't be able to see.
"008?"
"Affirmative".
"Well, that same" he muttered, "Alright. Status report. Go".
"Yes sir" Milli replied, "I received an invitation with a plus one to attend a local fundraiser. There was a rumour that a computer programmer by the name of Grishenko would also be in attendance and that he has previously completed work for the Janus Syndicate. I agreed to attend the gala and brought 007 as my plus one".
"Did you make contact with Grishenko?"
"Negative" she replied, as he finally pulled up her location using his smart blood technology, "I believed it best to wait for further instructions. However, I did notice him standing at the bar across the room where he appeared to be nervous or angry about something unknown. 007 attempted to make contact against my wishes, but Grishenko left before he could. 007 proceeded to follow the target towards a staff-only door, which they both entered".
Q could already feel the oncoming migraine.
"Okay. Where are you now?"
"I am in the east corridor proceeding south. I cannot hear any voices or footsteps so I do not believe that I am close to 007 or Grishenko's position".
"Keep looking" he replied, pulling up the blueprints for the building on one screen while hacking into the cameras of the surrounding streets on the other, "But stay alert. There's no CCTV inside the house, so I'm running blind here".
"Affirmative. Turning onto the south corridor now".
Muting his headset, he turned to Halim.
"Pull up the personnel files 003 collected on his previous mission. Run a search for the name Grishenko, and let me know what you find".
"Yes sir".
"Silvia?" She immediately appeared at his side. "I need you to find me a double-0. Try the gym on the floor below, if there's no one there, then head up to Eve's office and ask her if she's seen Edie today".
"Yes sir, but- uh, you want any double-0?"
She was very obviously trying not to blush.
"... Perhaps not 006" he allowed, and with another nod, she was gone.
Turning back to the screens in front of him, Q unmuted his mic.
"008?"
"Reaching the end of the south corridor".
"Perfect. Let me know if-"
There was a sudden bang from the other end of the line, the sound of raised voices, and then swearing.
"008, report!"
"I have eyes on Grishenko. In pursuit" Milli said quickly, her breathing already heavy as she no doubt gave chase down the hallway after the man.
"Do you have a visual on 007?"
"Affirmative. Also in pursuit".
Q allowed himself a split second to feel relief that his wayward agent was, in fact, still alive, before snapping at two loitering minions to keep their eyes on the street cameras in case their target escaped.
"Sir!" Halim burst out, rushing over, "I ran the name you gave me and it came back with a match. Boris Grishenko, Russian native".
"Good work. Is there anything about him I need to know?"
"Uh, he's… he's unmarried, no girlfriend, no kids".
"Don't care".
"He's- He's been accused of hacking into the US Department of Defense on numerous occasions".
"Who hasn't? Next".
"Uh… Oh! Yes! He has a licence!"
"A licence for what?"
"To- To carry a concealed firearm?"
Q tried his very best not to glare fiercely at the alpha as he tapped his headset.
"008, Grishenko may be armed. I repeat, Grishenko may be-"
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
"... 008?"
Q held his breath, the silence in the branch suddenly horrifyingly loud.
"008, report!"
Silvia reappeared next to him with Charlie and Edie two steps behind.
"008!"
A pause, a deep breath, and then-
"Affirmative".
Q let his shoulders fall as he closed his eyes and tried very very hard not to cry in relief.
"Status update?"
"Grishenko has terrible aim".
He snorted and almost choked.
"Save the jokes for England, 008, then I might actually be able to believe it was you who said them" Q replied with a grin, "007?"
"Still in pursuit, but I have lost visual of both 007 and Grishenko. Orders?"
"... Head back to the party" he finally decided, "If he just fired all six shots, then chances are he's now unarmed, and a computer programmer will be no match for 007. Make your excuses, claim that your husband isn't feeling well, and get out of there. The last thing we need is security finding you on-site with empty bullet shells surrounding you".
"Understood. 008 over and out".
As soon as her mix clicked, Q spun around and buried his face in Edie's stomach, breathing in her warm calming scent for approximately thirty seconds before straightening up once more and turning to face a very pale-faced minion.
"Halim?"
"... Yes sir?"
"Next time, you lead with the gun!"
He immediately flushed and ducked his head. "Yes sir. Sorry sir".
"It's not me you should be apologising to!" he snapped, before spinning back to his agents, "Charlie, would you be a dear and make me a cup of tea before I end up strangling someone?"
"Only strangling, sweetheart?" Edie asked with a frown as the man nodded and immediately disappeared, "How very… pedestrian of you".
"Would you rather I get covered in blood?"
She gave him a lecherous grin and Q sighed.
"Right, sorry, I forgot who I was talking to… I didn't call you down here to discuss murder, 009".
"Oh, code name, am I in trouble?"
"No, but one of your god-awful packmates soon will be!" he shot back, "007 has decided that he no longer needs his earpiece, and he's currently in pursuit of a man who apparently has close ties to both Orumorov and Janssen".
"And you want me to kill him for you?"
She looked far too pleased at the thought.
"No, Edie, I do not want you to murder James bloody Bond!"
"Oh… You sure?"
"Yes!"
"Fine".
She sighed and then hopped up on the desk next to him with far too much grace to be fair, just as Charlie returned with a delightfully sweet-smelling cup of ambrosia.
"Here you are, котеночек". He smiled as he handed it over. "Now what's wrong?"
"Hypothetically, if you were the most infuriating man to ever have lived, and you were now chasing down a suspect in the middle of a rich person's gala, what would you do?"
"... James?"
"James".
Charlie frowned, his hazel eyes betraying his concern even as tried to think rationally.
"Is he armed?"
"007 should be but the target shouldn't".
"Are there other people about?"
"In the main room, yes, but not where they are".
"Does James have access to explosives?"
"Does he have access to-"
Q stopped, paused, and then, with a growing sense of horror, suddenly thought he wouldn't fucking dare.
His earpiece buzzed.
"Quartermaster?"
"008?" he asked, turning back to the screen where he could now see Milli standing in a pretty blue dress just outside the large house.
"I have successfully exited the fundraiser without causing suspicion" she replied, "However, I also have reason to believe that 007 will-"
*BOOM*
Q watched with more annoyance than fear as the south side of the building suddenly exploded outwards with a burst of flames. Windows shattered, cars skidded across the road, and the sound of people screaming echoed in every direction.
"That's it" he announced, "I'm going to fucking kill him!"
Turning back to his agents, he spoke to Edie first.
"My phone should be on top of the desk in my office, can you get it for me please?"
"Of course, sweetheart".
"Thank you. Charlie?"
"Yes, котеночек?"
"Please inform M that James bloody Bond had caused yet another international incident and he'll likely be getting more than a few angry French phone calls in the foreseeable future".
"Consider it done".
"Halim?"
"Yes sir? Are you still mad? I'm so sorry, I know I was an absolute idiot, so what can I do?!"
"What you can do is calm down" Q replied wryly, "You're hardly the first TSS worker who's ever made a mistake, but this time, you got lucky. Next time, you might get a dead agent. So slow down, and think! And then start compiling a file with everything we know about Boris Grishenko".
"Yes sir. Of course sir!"
Q rolled his eyes at the man before turning to face his final favourite employee of the day.
"Silvia?"
"Quartermaster".
"... Now it's time to bring in 006".
She grimaced but nodded and vanished from the branch once more, just as Edie bounded down the stairs with her loping gait, his mobile in hand.
Pulling up the pack's group chat, he paused for a moment to consider maybe waiting until he was less furious with his agent before texting him, before then deciding-
No.
James bloody Bond deserved every single ounce of anger that he got.
Q: if you are actually dead i swear to fuck that i will find some way to revive your useless lifeless corpse just so i can fucking kill you myself! 2:03pm
Edie's pocket buzzed but she was smart enough not to reach for her phone. Q took another moment to take a deep, not very calming breath, before placing his mobile on the table in front of him and turning back to his screens to start damage control.
With any luck, he'd be able to contact someone in Monaco's Division du Renseignement Intérieur before their government - or, even worse, a journalist - caught wind of a British intelligence agent blowing up national monuments.
His phone buzzed, and Q lunged for it.
SF: oh shit, is J playing possum again? o_O 2:05pm
Q: With all due respect, 005, kindly shut the fuck up unless you're willing to help 2:05pm
DF: and just for that im willing to fucking help so what can i do 2:06pm
Q paused and thought.
Q: You speak Italian, right? 2:08pm
DF: sì 2:08pm
Q: 7 & 8 are near the border. I highly doubt the French government will be willing to help after Bond's latest stunt in Nice, so we may need the Italians' help instead. You got anyone that owes you one? 2:09pm
DF: i literally have fucking scores leave it with me 2:09pm
Smirking, Q put his phone away, glad that there was at least one less thing to worry about, before tapping his earpiece once more.
"008? You still online?"
"Always, Quartermaster".
"What's the situation like down there?"
"Panic and fear predominantly. The main room where the fundraiser was taking place appears unharmed by the explosion, but the people are evacuating anyway. I am currently walking around the corner of the building towards the site of the damage in order to ascertain if 007 and Grishenko are there".
"Affirmative. Keep me posted".
"Yes sir".
"Cub?"
Q bit back a curse and momentarily closed his eyes, not caring if Edie noticed his sudden apprehension. Spinning his chair around, he was met by a frowning Alec and a nervous and somewhat embarrassed Silvia heading his way.
"006".
The blond's frown deepened and he flickered a questioning gaze to his packmate.
"It's not personal" Edie replied, examining her wickedly sharp nails, "Our favourite boffin is simply in crisis mode".
"There is nothing simple about starting an international incident, 009!"
Alec sighed as he no doubt put two and two together.
"What has he done now?"
"What hasn't he done?" he shot back with more than a little bit of bitterness, "First of all, he decided to toss his earpiece which is an incredibly dickish move on his part, let me tell you. Then he decided to scare and chase down a target without informing me first or even waiting for permission. And now, the cherry on top of the proverbial cake, he's gone and blown up a country that could comfortably fit inside Westminster ten times over!"
"I mean… you did give him explosives".
"Don't blame this on me!" Q snarled. "I had mistakenly thought that the bloody idiot would act like a responsible human being for once!"
"Yeah, see, James is neither of those things, sweetheart" Edie pointed out, "And to be fair, you did give him those gadgets expecting him to use them".
"Yes, but not like this!"
"Well, beggars can't be choosers".
Q pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath.
"Alec. Tell me what he's going to do next".
"Does he have access to more explosives?"
"Alec!"
"Alright, alright, calm down, cub, everything's going to be fine!" he hushed, stepping well into his personal space to tug him even closer, "If I were James, then I'd try to rendezvous back at base. He and Osmund are sharing a hotel room, right?"
"Right" he replied, his voice muffled against the man's unfairly nice-smelling t-shirt, "But he was chasing down some Russian programmer before he decided to set off the magnetic explosives, and I don't know if he caught up to him or not".
"Well, if he didn't catch him, then he'd have had very little reason to detonate a bomb, but if he did catch him, then it would have provided a nice distraction for him to smuggle the guy out of there".
"Also, fire" Edie added unhelpfully, and they both ignored her.
"So you're telling me that he has caught Grishenko?"
"I mean, if I were a betting man…"
"You are" Q replied dryly, "But from what I hear, you're not exactly good at it".
"Blasphemy!" he exclaimed, grinning, "I'll have you know, cub, that I have a damn good poker face!"
"Yeah" Edie muttered, "If you're playing against a bunch of children".
Before Alec could retaliate - and before Q had to intervene on behalf of his minion's safety and/or sanity - his phone buzzed.
JB: do you kiss your mother with that mouth? 2:21pm
JB: Still alive, by the way. Thanks for all the concern, guys 2:21pm
DF: fuck 2:22pm
SF: hey! i asked if u were all good! 2:22pm
AP: We never doubted you for a minute 2:23pm
JW: Also, this is your… third? resurrection this year 2:23pm
JB: Good point. I know you've read these messages, pup. Are you giving me the silent treatment? 2:24pm
DF: its the least you fucking deserve and you owe me a drink because i had to call in a large fucking favour for this bullshit 2:25pm
EK: our boffin's too busy glaring at his phone to reply 2:25pm
Q immediately shot the woman a betrayed look, but she simply winked and slid off the edge of his desk.
"I'm going to track down Charlie again. Have fun!"
Glaring at her back, he ignored Alec's amused grin and instead finally replied to the other bane of his existence.
Q: 007. What the fuck. 2:27pm
JB: Well, that's not very professional of you, pup 2:27pm
Q: Neither is blowing up half on Monaco! So let me reiterate. What. The. Fuck?! 2:28pm
JB: Will you be less mad if I said that I'm bringing you back a present? 2:29pm
Q: There are not enough keychains nor flavours of tea in the world to make up for what you just did 2:30pm?
JB: Oh really? Not even this? 2:30pm
JB sent an attachment.
Hesitating, Q finally, slowly, tapped on the image and waited for it to download.
The first thing he saw was the edge of James's thumb partly covering the camera, and somehow, the evidence that James bloody perfect Bond was terrible at taking pictures brought a smile to his face. That smile only widened in part joy and part disbelief as he realised that the main subject of the photo was a woman.
A tall, dark woman with a scowl on her face, and blood and dust sticking to a nasty cut on her hairline.
Colonel Xenia Janssen.
JB: Well? Did I do good? 2:33pm
Q: Let's see how well you do with bringing her back to England first 2:34pm
JB: Pup. I'm disappointed in you. When have I ever had a problem with bringing a woman home before? 2:35pm
The ridiculous joke was as cheap as it was lewd, but Q found himself laughing anyway.
He had done it.
James bloody Bond had actually done it.
Q didn't know what had happened to Grishenko, or why James had tossed his earpiece, or even why he felt the need to use not just one, not just two, and not just three, but all four of his emergency explosives - but none of that mattered right now.
If 007 could successfully return Colonel Janssen to MI6, then they had won. All of Orumov's plans, all of his safe houses and factory locations and drug suppliers and distributors and every single person who worked for the Janus Crime Syndicate - it was all inside her head.
And he knew more than one double-0 who was itching to put their hands on her.
"See?" Alec said, reading the messages over his shoulder, "I told you it would be fine".
"That was a fluke!" he shot back, despite the grin on his face, and the alpha's green eyes widened in mock outrage. "How dare you! First, you doubt my poker skills, and now this! What's next? You won't believe that I speak Tagalog?"
"You don't speak Tagalog" Q replied dryly.
The corner of his eyes crinkled in amusement, and the omega was suddenly reminded by just how questionable most of his agents' files were.
"You… don't speak Tagalog, right?"
"I'll guess you'll have to wait and see".
"Alec!"
The man laughed and that simple sound set his heart racing against his will.
"Don't worry about it, cub". His grin was wide and white and just a bit too sharp. "The main thing is, James and Osmund are about to return home with public enemy number two. And do you know what that means?"
"No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me".
"That means" he continued, unperturbed, "That it's time to celebrate!"