A Whisper of Love, A Whisper of Hate
"Oh my god that was so good I never want to eat anything else ever again!"
Jake laughed as he collapsed back against the couch, undoing his belt with a groan.
"Are you sure you didn't put any poison in that?"
"Positive, mukundwa". He set his own bowl to the side after finishing one last spoonful. "I take it you like it then?"
"Like it?! I love it!" he exclaimed, "If I could just get you and Charlie to make my dinners and tea from now until the day I die, I would die a happy man... What did you say it was?"
"Igitoki" Jake replied, "Or, green banana stew. It's a traditional Rwandan dish - my mama taught me".
"Well. Please thank her for me".
"You don't know my mother" he grumbled, joining him on the couch, "If I tell her I cooked dinner for someone - and an omega, no less - then she's going to start jumping to conclusions".
"Oh yeah? Eager for you to settle down, is she?"
"You have no idea". He sighed before suddenly frowning and glancing over at him. "Then again, being an omega, you just might".
"Society does love it when we pack in our entire lives at eighteen to become stay-at-home parents" he agreed, "God forbid you actually want a career! I'm every conservative's worst nightmare".
Jake snorted and shook his head. "Forgive me for saying this, mukundwa, but a stay-at-home parent is the last thing I'd expect you to be".
"I'm going to take that as a compliment".
"No two-point-five kids and a white picket fence in your future then?"
"Most assuredly not!" He sniffed. "I'd burn the house down within a week out of pure boredom! And children are really not my forté".
Q smiled as the alpha laughed once more, white teeth glistening in the light of the old-fashioned lamp next to him.
"But what about you?" he asked, tucking his feet up underneath himself as he turned to face the man more fully, "You ever think of pulling out? Getting a normal job?"
His laughter slowly trailed off.
"... Nah" Jake finally replied, although the omega could see a hint of wistfulness in his eyes, "I mean, what would I do with a normal job?"
"Settle down. Find a mate. Have… two-point-five kids and a white picket fence in Southwark near your parents".
"And burn my own house down out of boredom?"
"Would you?" Q asked evenly, feeling strangely like he was treading on thin ice right now.
"... It doesn't matter" he said, turning away from his inquisitive gaze, "I'll never get to make that decision, so there's no point in dwelling on it".
"Jake-"
"Would you like some tea?" he interrupted, suddenly standing up.
"I would like for you to answer the question".
"That's not-" He let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm a double-0, Q. We don't get to have that kind of life. Once you're in, you're in - and we both know that there's only one way of leaving".
"... Milk and two sugars".
He got a sharp nod in return, and the omega watched with a pang in his heart as Jake collected their bowls and quickly made his way to the kitchen.
He was telling the truth, after all. Double-0s didn't get to live that kind of life. As soon as he'd signed his name on the dotted line, he'd signed away any and all freedom that he might have once had - the freedom to talk, to date, to bond to whoever you liked… The freedom to have a family.
Orphans made the best recruits, after all.
But Q had seen the way the man looked at Duncan, and he'd seen the way Duncan looked at him in return. He'd even heard what their resident psychopath had called Jake as well - too soft and ridiculously kind.
Out of everyone on this planet, Duncan had chosen Jake to get him out of the clusterfuck that was Seville. He'd even given the younger man the USB stick that he'd almost died for too, trusting Jake to give it to Q should anything bad happen. Duncan had even told him about his sister, for fucks sake, when Q was ninety-nine per cent certain that not a single other bloody double-0 knew anything about her!
He'd seen the way Jake had flushed and swallowed thickly when he'd seen the older man shirtless that one time, the way he looked at him when he thought nobody was watching, and the way he'd picked up some of Duncan's little idiosyncrasies like how he raised his eyebrows when he thought someone was being too stupid to waste words on or how he held his drink when their heads were bowed low together in El Nido.
The way both men always seemed to be one step behind or one step in front of or directly next to each other, never too far from hovering in each other's orbit.
So yes, double-0s typically didn't have mates or children or families, because it was a weakness and a security risk - not to mind the fact that relationships built on lies were unlikely to last long anyway.
But surely, surely, if Jake settled down with another double-0, then those rules wouldn't apply?
The alpha had closed up when he'd brought up the topic of him having that kind of life, so clearly it was something of a sensitive subject - which meant that Q would let it go…
For now.
"Well, mukundwa, I don't know about you, but I am exhausted".
"You and me both" he agreed with a yawn, "If I had any brain at all then I would've packed a blanket before leaving home".
"A blanket?" He frowned. "What for?"
"For the couch".
"The couch?" he repeated again, "Why would you need a blanket for the couch?"
"To… sleep… on?"
"Q" he said, "You're taking the bed".
"I am not!" the omega immediately protested, "I'm already putting you out enough as it is; I'm not taking your bed away from you as well!"
"Well tough luck mukundwa, because my mama didn't raise a mshenzi!"
"... Okay, I literally have no idea what that means" Q admitted, "But I'm still not stealing your bed. In case you've forgotten, you have an early flight tomorrow morning - and you told me yourself that your sleep quality tonight is of the utmost importance!"
"You're my guest and my Quartermaster and my friend. You are not sleeping on the couch!"
"Well, neither are you!"
They stared at each other, honey brown eyes on baby blue, locked in a stalemate.
"Alright, how about this?" Q finally said, "Nobody takes the couch, and we both sleep in the bed".
"Oh". Jake looked… strangely wrongfooted. "Oh, I, uh, I mean, that's- that's- and you- you're a- and I'm a- and we- we shouldn't, uh- because of our- our- our, uh-"
"Let me stop you right there, Mr Williams - My virtue is non-existent".
As predicted, the man flushed, and Q felt an amused rush at the sight of his cheeks darkening.
"So as grateful as I am for how… considerate you're trying to be; there really is no need whatsoever" he replied, "I trust you not to do anything untoward, and likewise, I hope you trust me not to do the same".
"Of course! Of course I trust you, mukundwa! That was- I wasn't- That wasn't what I was-"
"I know" he interrupted, smiling, "You didn't want to make me uncomfortable by suggesting it first, but I think we can both agree that sharing a bed is the only way either of us are going to get a good night's sleep… Deal?"
Jake grinned. "Deal".
Fifteen minutes later, after brushing his teeth, changing into his pyjamas, and then having yet another argument with Jake when he refused to tell him what side of the bed he usually slept on in case they both slept on the same side - they were finally under the covers.
It was… weird, being in bed with someone again after all these years, but it was weird in a good way.
It had been strange with Alec and James too, but he hadn't exactly paid it much attention to it then considering he'd been in the middle of a drop at the time. And even though he wasn't attracted to Jake the same way he was to Alec and James - and the same way he'd once upon a time been to his previous alpha - the fact that he was in the same bed as an alpha at all was making his hindbrain perk up.
But it was… nice, lying there in the dark with company, knowing that he was safe and cared for and-
Well, perhaps not loved in that regard, but still loved in a platonic way.
Everything always seemed better, easier, in the dark - which was exactly why he'd dropped the settling-down-with-a-mate conversation until now.
"Why don't you tell him how you feel?"
They were curled up, facing each other, no more than a foot apart - so Q caught every single microexpression that flashed across the alpha's face before-
"... Tell who?"
"Jake".
He sighed, and warm minty breath flowed across his face.
"... It's not that easy, mukundwa".
"Why not?"
Q gazed at him in the dim light, his blue eyes searching the alpha's face. Jake seemed to hesitate, as if grappling with something deep within himself. Finally, he spoke, his voice soft in the quiet room.
"Feelings… complicate things, Q. Especially in our line of work. It's not just about what I want. There are risks, consequences... We're trained to avoid attachments".
"But you care about him, don't you?" he asked, his voice gentle but insistent, "I've seen the way you look at him, the way you worry about him. There's more there than just friendship".
Jake sighed again and rubbed the side of his face against his pillow.
"You're not… wrong, but… it's not that simple. We're double-0s. We live on the edge, and sometimes that means not allowing ourselves the luxury of… personal entanglements".
"Personal entanglements?" Q raised a sceptical eyebrow. "Is that what you're calling it? Look, Jake, I'm not advocating for anything… reckless! I know the rules and the risks. But life is short - the life of a double-0 even shorter - and you both deserve happiness… If there's a chance for something more, then why not take it?"
The alpha's eyes held a mix of emotions - resignation, longing, as well as a touch of sadness.
"Because it's not just about us, Q. The mission always comes first, and getting involved romantically, especially with another double-0, could compromise everything! I mean - what if I did go for it, and it did somehow work out, and then we were sent into the field together and- and I had to make a split-second call to save a thousand innocent people or to save him? I wouldn't… I couldn't not choose him".
Q understood what he was saying - and his heart ached for him in return.
The double-0s were wired differently, after all, and even though they became double-0s to, ostensibly, protect England… well. He honestly wasn't all that sure if that was the case.
Psychopaths, like Saif and Alec, were usually born that way, whereas sociopaths, such as Edie and James, were typically made. The rest of the pack; Alexis, Duncan, Jake, Milli, and Charlie fell somewhere in the middle of that spectrum - but when it came down to it, all of the double-0s, each and every single one of them, had incredibly little regard for human life.
If Q were being perfectly honest, then part of what drew him to the pack was that mentality.
Personally, he didn't believe that the double-0s became double-0s to serve their country. He believed that the double-0s became double-0s so that they had an excuse to let their beasts run free - vicious, apathetic creatures that had always lain just under the surface of their skin and who now had an objective to achieve - an objective that would satiate them and momentarily keep them quiet.
R really had summed it up when she'd told him that the double-0s were human - but that they weren't, necessarily, people.
Nine of the world's most lethal killing machines, all after being brought to one place… so was it really such a surprise that they would kill for each other? That they would let nameless, faceless, innocent civilians die just to save each other? That they likely had let innocents die before just to ensure that their packmates made it home alive?
No.
Q wasn't surprised in the slightest.
"And besides" Jake said, interrupting his thoughts, "All of that is hinged on him actually feeling the same way, which…"
He trailed off, staring down at the pillow in between them, and the omega wanted to laugh and cry in equal measure.
"Jake" he said, "Jake are you for real?"
"Am I- What?"
"Did you seriously just tell me, with a straight face, that Duncan fucking Fortier isn't just as head over heels for you as you are for him?!"
Even in the dark, he could see the other man's blush.
"No, he isn't" he mumbled, "I appreciate what you're trying to do, mukundwa, but… he probably just sees me as a kid! I mean, I'm not that much older than you are, and before you came along, I was the baby of the group! The newest double-0! He probably only sees me as a… I don't know, as some sort of protege rather than an equal or-"
"Bullshit!" Q snapped, managing to startle even himself with his vehemence, "Jake, I have seen the way that man looks at you, and it is anything but unequal! It doesn't take a genius to realise that you're his closest friend - or, at least, whatever counts as friendship to a double-0".
"Q-"
"No! This isn't me trying to- to make you feel better or any other fucking rubbish! I'm serious, Jake. That idiot likes you as much as you like him! He's just far too emotionally stunted to make the first move!"
"And you don't think that I am too?"
"No. I don't. I think you're too kind" he said, "Too worried about upsetting him, about making him uncomfortable because you don't think he feels anything for you. But he does, Jake, he really fucking does!"
"... Then why hasn't he said anything?"
The alpha's voice was low, raw, and Q automatically shuffled closer to try and provide some measure of comfort.
"Because he's an idiot, that's why" he answered simply, "You and I both know that as much as he likes to pretend that he's all tough and macho and bravado - he's just as emotional as you are… Which, to be fair, is still far less emotional than I am, which in turn is even less emotional again than the average person, but… well, we gotta do what we gotta do".
Jake snorted and shook his head as best he could while still lying down, before leaning into his personal space, burying his head against the omega's neck and inhaling his scent deeply.
"Life is just… unpredictable" Q said, quietly, wrapping one arm around his shoulders, "None of us know how much time we have left, and I think it's safe to say that you and I have less time again… Just don't deny yourself the chance of happiness because of what-ifs, Jake. The pain isn't worth it, and you deserve all the happiness you can get".
"... Thanks, mukundwa" he whispered, his lips moving against bare skin, "I just wish you'd take your own advice sometimes too".
Q awoke to an empty bed, the warmth of Jake's presence having vanished in the early morning hours. He stretched out, feeling the crisp sheets beneath his fingertips, and for a moment, he almost forgot the events of the previous night.
Then, reality settled in, and he remembered the break-in, the bypassed alarm system, the edited security footage - as well as the whispered confessions in the darkness.
What a way to start the day.
Groaning, he reluctantly sat up, all but falling out of bed as he trudged towards the main room of the flat. Jake would have already left for his mission a few hours ago; having to leave horrendously early in order to reach Mozambique before night-fall, and the other double-0s would likely be arriving soon to drive him into work - where, he was sure, a rather irritated M and a worried Eve would be waiting to interrogate him.
Reaching the small kitchen area, he paused at the sight of a large mug strategically placed next to the kettle, with a tea bag and spoon inside.
Q couldn't help but smile at the ridiculous alpha's consideration.
Yawning, he happily switched on the kettle - already full of water - and then turned back around to survey the living room as he tried to remember where he'd left his duffle bag last night. He found it on the ground next to the couch, right where Jake had left it, but he also found a bright yellow sticky note resting on top of it.
Frowning, he walked over and picked it up, recognising the man's distinct scrawl almost immediately - left slanting, wide loops, and ever-so-slightly illegible.
*I thought about what we spoke of last night and-
Here, the ink seemed to deepen, as if Jake had hesitated before continuing.
-well, you're the smartest person I know, so I kind of have to believe what you said. You're right; life is too short. So, as soon as I get back, I'm going to do something about that 'personal entanglement' of mine. Kwa upendo, J*
Q couldn't help it; he grinned. It would appear that his two favourite platonic idiots were finally going to get over themselves and do something about each other.
Or, perhaps, with each other…
Still smiling, he pocketed the note before returning to the kitchenette to finish making his tea. Jake - kind, soft, warm-hearted Jakes - had actually listened to him; which admittedly was a rather impressive feat for any double-0. It was Thursday now, and the alpha's mission would finish next Wednesday, which meant he'd be back in England next Thursday, which meant that Q had exactly one week to convince Duncan not to fuck this up.
Downing the last of the earl grey, he gazed mournfully at the kettle for a moment, before firmly telling himself that there wasn't enough time to have another cup and shower before the double-0s arrived and that if he was about to be harassed, questioned, and/or locked down by M this morning, he'd very much like to feel human during it.
Washing out the mug and then grabbing his bag, he headed for the bathroom.
Using someone else's shower always felt strange, a departure from the routines and familiarity of his own space. He fought with the knobs and adjusted the water temperature from freezing (the third circle of hell) to burning (the sixth circle) until it was just right, letting the hot water cascade over him, momentarily washing away the weight of the world.
Dressed in somewhat wrinkled clothes - thanks, duffle bag - he returned to the living room just in time to hear a banging on the door.
He momentarily froze, senses on high alert and heart pounding in his chest because- oh god, what if they'd followed him? What if whoever broke in had been watching and then tracked him and Jake back to the alpha's flat? What if they had waited specifically for Jake to leave before launching their attack with plans to kidnap him and torture him and kill him and-
No.
Q quickly gift-wrapped all of that emotion and angrily shoved it into a box deep in the depths of his mind.
And then, feeling somewhat ridiculous for doing so, he cautiously called out, "Who is it?"
"Who the fuck do you think?"
Duncan.
Breathing out a sigh of relief, he quickly grabbed his duffle bag, glanced around to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything, and then opened the door.
"You know, you could have just messaged me to say you were outside".
Duncan raised a very unimpressed eyebrow.
"And then who the fuck would lock up, brat?"
It was only then that Q noticed the old brass key in his hands - almost identical yet not quite to the same key that Jake had used the night before.
"Do all of you double-0s have keys to each other's apartments?"
"No" he said shortly, reaching past him to shut the door, "You ready?"
Q sighed and realised he had quite the week cut out for him.
"As I'll ever be, I suppose".