Till death do us part
(c) 2023 by ihatemilk
_DECEMBER 2015
#
Having put him to sleep, Aphrodite stood there for a while, leaning against the terrace railing, biting her nail.
What a mess her brother was; he'd had his moods since he left the tomb, but this – she thought she'd seen him at his weakest when Xena'd been in a coma, but this – it more than broke her heart in two. It was slowly starting to terrify her.
For the first time in her life, it was her that had to take care of him; and it felt weird, and heavy; and so lonely. They only had each other now.
Oh yeah, he had Xena, too – the very reason he was in such state in the first place.
She opened up a portal to locate the culprit.
They needed to talk.
#
She materialized herself quietly.
The room had a low ceiling and smelled like burning wood – the fireplace – and on the sweet little pink and yellow flowery-patterned sofa in front of it, sleeping, was exactly the person she was looking for.
For a while, Aphrodite hesitated if to wake her up, but the urge to get the matter over and done won.
She walked up to the fireplace – gods, how cute this sofa was – and there was a matching armchair; sweet.
As soon as she sat herself in it, there was a commotion on the sofa.
"Aphrodite," Xena frowned, blinking sleepily. Her eyes held such disappointment; it was striking, even from the distance. "If you're here to play the devil's advocate, I'm not interested."
"Honey, we need to talk…"
The blue eyes widened. "What happened?"
"He's alive—"
"What…?"
"… and drunk as a pig right now – and believe me, it's not pretty."
"Where is he?"
"Sleeping it off – he's fine – well, not exactly fine…"
"Just fucking say it already or I swear I'll—"
"Not until you calm down, hon – Ar said you shouldn't get worked up—"
"He's the one to talk…"
"I – and I know he can be a jerk, but this time – I'm sorry, babe – you were a real bitch back there—"
"Where is he?"
"Xena, he's trying, really hard – I've never seen him fight so hard for anything; he's going out of his way when it comes to you – but I don't think you realize how vulnerable that makes him—"
"Aphrodite, me and him argue all the time—"
"You know that not even Dad made him feel insecure the way you do?"
"What are you talking about?" Xena asked, bewilderment etching on her face.
Darn, maybe she shared too much. But how was she supposed to know that Xena didn't know such basic facts about him? Everyone knew how Dad had used to treat Ar.
"I mean, I loved Dad, but he was so unfair with Ar… I mean, it's not cool to keep telling your kid he's the most useless thing you've ever made, you know?"
"Kid?" Xena echoed, staring in the distance absentmindedly.
"Well, it was like this since I can remember. He was never treated as a part of the family – and he acted all tough, but he was just hurt and lonely, I mean, who wouldn't be… and he'd just grow more and more hateful and violent over time… I mean, he's never been a sweetheart, but Dad made it so much worse – and you know, the saddest thing is – deep inside, he always held hope that Dad would finally…" Aphrodite shook her head, blinking the tears away; she hated those memories. Her brother was who he was, but he so didn't deserve all that. She looked towards Xena; she sat with her eyes cast down, silent, the shimmering trails on her cheeks.
"He's a stranger to all of this, you know? Sharing his life with someone, all those new feelings he can't control… for the first time in his life, he's about to be an actual parent… he's acting all tough but Xena, he is so insecure about all this, you have no idea… no idea how scared he is of disappointing you…"
Xena wasn't looking her way; she was quiet, her eyes closed, breath shallow.
"And now this thing with his powers, I mean…"
"What thing with his powers?" Xena's icy cold voice cut through the air.
Oops… Oh dear, Ar was not going to like this. "I thought you knew… gods, he'll kill me for this…"
"I'll be first if you—"
"He's losing his powers."
There was silence, for a moment or two; almost deafening. Xena's face relaxed, her forehead creasing softly. "What…?"
"He's slacking off at work – apparently it weakens your powers – I didn't know that – I mean, it all sounds—"
"It doesn't make sense."
"I don't get it either, okay? I mean, as a god, you have your mantle and it's not a matter of choice – you just do it – it's – like breathing – you can't get tired of it… I mean… I've never heard of anything like it…"
"Where is he?"
"I'm worried about him, Xena."
"I'm gonna ask you one last time, where—"
"I'll bring him here once he sobers up."
"Take me to him."
"You don't wanna see him now, trust me—"
"I said—"
"Fine, okay! Geez, no need to yell…"
This was going to be a disaster. But darn – everything was less unpleasant than dealing with pissed off warrior princess. Seriously, sometimes she really didn't get what her brother saw in this woman.
When the two of them materialized on the terrace, he was still passed out on the recliner, covered with the blanket she'd wrapped him in.
"Leave us, Dite…" she said so softly that Aphrodite melted.
Before leaving, she placed a hand on Xena's shoulder. "Be gentle with him, please."
"Please, go," Xena whispered with effort.
"Call me when you're ready to go back," Aphrodite said, disappearing.
She knew this was going to be heavy, but nothing could keep her away now; she opened the portal and tuned in as soon as she reappeared on that cute sofa in front of the crackling fireplace.
Her first tears fell when she saw Xena's eyes as she sat down at his side. By the gods, she was a love goddess, she'd seen all the love in this world, but this… she couldn't remember the last time her heart swelled like that.
He seemed still asleep when she touched his face; softly, so lovingly. After a while, his eyes fluttered half-open.
"Xena…"
"It's okay, I'm here…"
"Where are we?" he glanced around, confused. "How did you—"
"Aphrodite brought me here."
"I feel like shit…" he grimaced.
"You smell the part, too…" she kept tracing his forehead with her fingertips. "Let's go back, Aphrodite will take us."
"She will… she told you…"
"Come on, you need to rest," she stroked his head, her other hand finding his.
Gods, they were so sweet she couldn't stop the tears from flowing – and she wanted to compose herself before they saw her, but screw it, there was no time to waste. The sooner they'd get talking the sooner they'd make up – or not – gods, she only hoped her brother wasn't dumb enough to go on and start being honest now, of all times.
She didn't wait for Xena to call her, she materialized herself on the terrace the next second.
Minutes later, the three of them landed in Amphipolis; and she left them there; him on the couch, Xena at his side, casting one last glance towards her.
"Thank you…"
"Call if you need me," Aphrodite said, vanishing.
#
She sat herself down on a tiny wooden stool and threw in several more logs into the fireplace to keep it from dying down; at the moment, it seemed to be the only thing able to soothe her nerves.
Aphrodite… Maybe she wasn't too explicit expressing it, but the amount of gratitude she felt for Aphrodite was immense. If it hadn't been for her, she would have been stuck here, unable to reach him – if he was really without powers; gods, she would've gone mad.
Come to think of it, there had been something off about him recently; he'd get pensive at times, or drift away when they talked. Once, she'd walked in on him sitting at the kitchen bar, staring through the window; he completely ignored her; she sat down in the armchair with her laptop; and twenty minutes had passed – she'd checked the time – before he'd turned around to look at her. But she took it for the echo of the whole shit with Julia – she saw how worked up he still was about it; it seemed to have gotten to him even more than it had to her.
But she would've never thought it could be work-related.
He did have occasional weaker moments, when he'd give up a project when he'd get bored with it, but he'd always take on something new the next second; he was restless like that. His mantle – war – it set him on fire like nothing else did, he breathed it, it made up his very essence; he loved it. His eyes burned with such passion when he talked about it; it was unthinkable he could – it just made no sense.
She wanted to stand up and stretch her legs, but it was hard to pull away from the view in front of her. The dancing flames never failed to mesmerize her. Fire; it had always been her element; a perfect blend of deadly and spectacular. But also, strangely, so soothing, the crackling sounds of burning wood – gods, how she missed bonfires; she'd shared so many of those with Gabrielle back in the day.
"Xena…" she tensed her shoulders as his raspy voice reached her from the couch.
Slowly, she rose to her feet – not without effort – the growing belly made those things increasingly harder; and took a while to straighten her back carefully. The tears blurred her vision; slowly, she closed her eyes, letting the drops roll down her face. She didn't want to cry in front of him now, and for more than one reason; she didn't want him to feel she pitied him – she knew how sensitive he was about it; and then, there was the previous resentment, still there, a knot in her stomach.
Wiping her eyes with her knuckle, she walked towards the little window in the middle of the wall to the right, and started into the darkened, evening sky; it's been a while since she'd seen it so starry. The narrow little wooden windowsill underneath held a small, cylinder-shaped lighter. She picked it up; it was heavy; cold to the touch; and she kept rolling it between her fingers for a little while.
"Xena…" his voice resounded again, so quiet she wasn't sure if she really heard it.
The lump in her throat reappeared, eyes welling up again; but she couldn't stay away a second longer.
Turning around, she stepped towards the couch. He didn't sound any better than he looked. And she still didn't get it – if he was losing his powers, how come he was still immortal – Aphrodite claimed he was – and if he was, how come he suffered from mortal ailments?
She sat down, putting her hand on his cheek, trying to blink the tears away. He did seem mortal; and she didn't know if she liked it or not; she just knew she couldn't stand seeing him like this.
He took her hand, pressing his forehead into her palm; his skin felt warm, too warm; his breath hot on her wrist, the faint smell of alcohol teasing her nostrils.
"I'm sorry…" he uttered, never opening his eyes.
"I'm sorry, too… about earlier; I shouldn't have said what I said."
"You shouldn't have…" he echoed. "I know it's hard for you to control yourself now, but that was… you've gone too far this time, Xena…"
"I'm sorry… I guess I just… when I wanted to see Lyceus' tomb and you dismissed it like that, it just… I just thought you'd know how much it means to me."
"I know how much your brother means to you – I know what it's like to have a sibling you care about, Xena. But if anything happened to you or the baby, I would – I can't even think about it – I live in constant fear for your life, and it's driving me insane… Especially now, when my powers probably wouldn't be enough if anything happened…"
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"About what?"
"Your powers."
It irked her; another thing he kept from her. Regardless of his reasons, things like this were always a painful reminder of how little she could trust him. And they'd talked about it, not once; he knew this was her condition; that if this was going to work, he couldn't hide things from her. Especially in the wake of the whole Julia affair. Especially when it came to matters of safety – she wouldn't have risked traveling all the way down here if she'd known they didn't have his godhood to fall back on – she was mortal and pregnant, not to mention that being seen with him in public made her a target on its own.
"I'm not a damn kid, Xena; I'm not gonna run to you every time I fall and scratch my knee…"
She rose to her feet, her face burning. He was lying here shitfaced, having run off after their argument – and he had the nerve to patronize her – no, gods, she couldn't handle it now; she had to leave before it would get out of hand.
"Where the hell are you going?" his voice stopped her in the doorway. She closed her eyes, willing herself to move forward and out of here; but her head turned before she knew it.
"Oh, you're not a kid?" she said, fire spreading through her body, the words leaving her mouth before she could stop them. "Then how about you stop acting like one and grow the fuck up, Ares – and try to make it before you become a father, you think you can manage that?"
It was like a trance she couldn't snap out of; like nearing the edge of the cliff when your brakes gave up; and she watched how his lips parted, his chest rising and falling with short, shallow breaths, and she waited, her pulse racing, the heat flooding her face.
But nothing came. He closed his eyes, furrowing his brows on the exhale, like he was about to say something that would be the last straw; and she waited, and waited; first for retaliation, then – for just any sign of any reaction, anything. She waited so long that if it hadn't been for his short breath, she'd think he'd fallen asleep. And then, she saw it; glistening in the firelight, a tear rolling down his temple.
She let out a breath, suddenly painfully sober, as if some switch had gone off, leaving her disoriented, the silence ringing in her ears.
"I'm sorry…" she creased her brows in shame, tears blurring her vision.
"Oh, don't worry, I'm used to being a disappointment…" he whispered hoarsely, his eyes still closed.
Aphrodite's earlier words kept started playing in her mind on repeat. To think of him as somebody's child – and to think that this somebody had despised and rejected him, killing all the light that might have once been in that child's soul and filling it with darkness for eons – it made her heart bleed. And now, after all those thousands of years, he was trying to change, for her.
"…he's afraid of disappointing you…"
She sank down by his side, unable to keep the tears in anymore. Her eyes cast down, she found his hand and squeezed it tight; it was warm, and sticky with sweat, like hers. Her heart was pulsing in her ears.
"Move," she nudged him. He shifted, making more space for her on the couch, and she scooched by his side, resting her head in the crook of his neck, shutting her eyes when he pulled her close; and her tears kept flowing, flooding his neck, and gods, never had she needed to hold him close like she did now.
She pushed her face flush into his neck, breathing in. "You're not a disappointment. If anything, you're the opposite," she rubbed her forehead against the stubble on his jaw.
He swallowed and took a deep breath, his heart thudding against her palm. "Do you mean that?" he asked quietly.
"Well, I never put big bets on you in the first place," she smiled against his cheek; he smirked softly.
"Thanks…"
She lifted herself on one elbow, leaning over him; his eyes were closed, his mouth parting slightly, letting out quiet, shallows breaths.
"I'm proud of you…"
He slowly lifted his lids, revealing the glossy eyes that gazed at her with such softness and intensity and disbelief, all at once. "You are?" he asked quietly, in a way that made her own eyes shut as the new wave of tears came.
"I am," she sniffled. "I'm amazed by how much you've changed, how determined you've been to work on yourself," she smooched the tip of his nose, "I know it's not easy… and I know it's not easy to put up with me these days – but I want you to know that I appreciate it… you… everything you are to me… more than you know… even if I'm not the best at showing it…"
His chest expanded with a breath that he withheld for a moment; he let it out through the open mouth, blinking rapidly, his brows creasing, raising slightly. "You're absolutely fucking hopeless at showing it…" he swallowed with effort and let out a soft chuckle, reaching for the back of her head to pull her close. She pressed her cheek into his neck, and they stayed like this for a while, his fingers buried in her hair, grazing her scalp lazily.
"Ares…"
"Yes, baby…"
"Did you… did you think you'd disappoint me if you told me?"
"I didn't want to see the pity in your eyes."
"You wouldn't have seen pity; worry, maybe, but not pity."
"You've had your share of stress recently, I didn't wanna add to that. Besides, I was going to try to fix it, eventually."
"But I don't get it – why would you have us risk a travel like this if you knew you didn't have powers? You freak out when I go for a walk by myself."
"I haven't lost powers per se, I just – when I use them up, they replenish, it just takes longer," he inhaled deeply. "I recently stopped using them almost entirely anyway, to save them for when we might really need them. I had them in full when we came here."
She slid a hand up his chest, resting it on the side of his neck, her thumb brushing the little crook under his ear. The way he said we – like they were one, the two of them – it made her eyes well up.
"But when you pissed me off I kinda lost it and…"
"…went to New York?"
"Yeah."
She was about to ask why, when a sudden thought occurred to her; but no, it was nonsense. Her eyes roamed over his face; was it just her or did he seem uneasy? No, she should give up this trail of thought altogether if she wanted to stay calm. If he'd answer, and she'd pick up on even just a molecule of deception – and she would, she knew his every facial muscle by heart – she would lose it; it would be over. And she couldn't afford it now.
Struggling to push the thoughts away, she put her head on his chest. Focusing on the soothing crackle of the fireplace and his hand on her back, she let the drowsiness overtake her.
Everything else – it would have to wait for tomorrow.
#
He opened his eyes to a total darkness.
The headache was gone, and taking a breath, he breathed her; there was the soothing heaviness of her head on his chest, the soft warmth of her body melted against his side; and some annoying feeling in the pit of his stomach, forcing him to get out.
Quietly, he closed the entrance door behind him, stepping out into the humid cold of the night. He walked around the porch; the rain was drumming on the metal tiles of the roof annoyingly. He leaned against the railing, resting his elbows on the damp wood, observing the raindrops sink softly into the shiny grass in front of him, almost soundlessly. He never liked the rain. But there was something about it now, that felt good, cleansing almost; and he closed his eyes, aching to absorb it with all his senses.
The feeling in his stomach was back; the knot, the annoying heaviness, which this time had nothing to do with alcohol consumption, no matter how much he wished it had only been that; or that it would be just one of those days when life got to him, and he couldn't be bothered to do anything, apart from crawling under a blanket with her and letting her nearness cure him of all that ailed him. He wished he could do it now. But now it didn't help. It just made him feel like shit.
The stunt he'd pulled – it was dumb as fuck, not to mention risky. What the fuck was he even thinking? Leaving her alone here, and emotional as she was – she could've – gods, he wanted to roar. He hadn't felt such anger with himself since – and now she knew about his powers – well, she would've learned sooner or later, anyway – but this, what he'd just pulled, it was so fucking irresponsible that he couldn't believe he'd actually done something like this – he had his temper, but this… this was bad – and worrisome. If it hadn't been for Aphrodite, this could've—
Oh gods, he hoped she wouldn't show up now. He wasn't in the mood for preaching; he felt like crap already.
Looking around the porch, he spotted a set of wooden chairs around a round, wooden table. Sitting down on one of the chairs and stretching his legs out on the other one, he pulled the crumpled packet from his front pocket; there were three left, just the right amount for the time he planned on spending here. He pressed his fingers together, and hesitated; but then snapped them and the bottle appeared in his hand. Fuck it. He needed this now like he needed to breathe.
Just when he opened his mouth for a first sip, the night air in front of him illuminated with a shower of pink and silver sparks.
"Oh, for fuck's sake, seriously?"
"I'm sorry, did you mean to say – thanks, sis, for saving the day and my damn life while you were at it? Because you surely got the words wrong."
He let out a deep sigh. "Isn't it obvious?"
"Like it's obvious she loves you, and you still wanna hear her say it…"
"Fine – I'm fucking grateful for your help – better?"
"Why are you being bitchy like this?"
"Just getting in the mood for whatever you came here to blabber about and piss me off with."
When she didn't answer, he looked up and saw her face; his anger faded immediately.
"You know what, I don't have to take this," she sniffled. "I just feel sorry for her – loving an asshole like you – and she doesn't even know the half of it…"
She disappeared before he even opened his mouth.
Her last words kept ringing in his ears; but no, she'd never betray him like this. This was the one thing he didn't have to worry about.
He lit up the last cigarette.
"I'm not pissed off at you, I'm pissed off at myself," he said to himself. Noisily, he let out a cloud of smoke, watching it dissolve into the starry darkness. The silence was so deafening that he flinched when the air sparked with his sister's arrival.
He didn't need to look at her to feel the raised eyebrow directed at him.
"If you're trying to apologize, you didn't get the words right this time either," she said, resting a hand on her hip accusingly.
"You know what's ridiculous? She's not even mad… and I can't stand it."
From the corner of his eye, he noticed that her posture softened.
"Trust me babe – she is mad," Aphrodite sighed. "You didn't see her before I brought her to New York…"
"When you left us here, we got talking, and she was… she was so…"
"Understanding?"
"Yeah," he furrowed his brows, blinking the tears away; the things she'd said to him last night; even if she'd told him that she loved him, it wouldn't have crushed him even half that much.
"Do you still have doubts whether she loves you?"
Of course, she'd heard the whole thing, how could she have not.
"What she said to me… I thought I'd just… break into fucking pieces."
He heard a loud sniffle and next thing he knew, she jumped into his lap, clinging to him tight, and sobbed into his neck, and wouldn't stop for a while. Locking her in a strong embrace, he slowly stroked up and down her back in a steady rhythm, like he'd used to do when she was little, when she'd get really upset; and she'd get upset a lot; gods, she'd been a pain in the ass as a kid. Well, it wasn't like much had changed since then.
And why she was upset now, he had no idea. "You okay?"
"I'm a love goddess, Ar…" she sniffled.
"Yeah, I've noticed," he nodded, raising his brows. Was she losing it, too? Were they all going crazy?
"…and I can't love…" she said in a broken whisper, stifling a sob in her throat.
"What do you mean?"
"That feeling you described… I've never felt it again since Hephie."
He tightened his embrace on her; truth to be said, he'd never realized she'd loved her husband like that.
"I'm sorry Dite… I didn't know."
"What?"
"I mean, you weren't exactly faithful…"
Aphrodite stirred in his embrace, pinning him with a glare. "Oh, you're the one to talk… Does screwing other women make you love her less?"
He bit on his lower lip, chewing pensively. It angered him that he'd given in to his urges like that. For one thing, because it made him feel weak; but there was another reason, and it was confusing – yesterday with Julia, it wasn't about sex. He wasn't really turned on by her; maybe he never even had been; he was turned on by the power he had over her; and yesterday, she made him remember how fucking good it felt to be in complete control again. The control that he was gradually losing in his life, no matter how desperately he tried to clutch onto it.
"Stop beating yourself up over it, babe; you were drunk, it happens," Aphrodite said, stroking the back of his head; and she was right, he agreed wholeheartedly. But, as if to spite him, his mind made a reverse situation render before his eyes; and his throat contracted. If she let another man touch her – gods, he would lose it bad.
"Honey, it's different when you're a god; a mortal wouldn't understand; their lives end shortly after they start, so their notion of love is a bit different – I mean – staying faithful for several years? I mean, really? Like, please… even I would manage that…"
He thought about their father. Zeus didn't spend too many days of his life being faithful. Now that he thought about it, it was actually one of the things he used to despise his father for, when he saw what it did to his mother. He wasn't going to have Xena go through this. She deserved to have all of him, exclusively.
"Babe…"
"Hm?"
"Tell me you're not thinking of telling her…"
"What?"
"About Julia…"
"You serious?"
"You'd screw it all up if you did."
"Thanks, I'm not suicidal."
He wasn't going to tell her.
But he was going to make it right.
#