My Sister From Another World
Hello everyone and welcome to the latest chapter of I'm Too Sober for This! This one took a bit longer to get too then I thought but the good news is the next one should be out in less time now that I'm on hiatus with Armory of the Forgotten Hero and Spiral Flames in Lugnica. And of course I have to mention my book, Plains Riders, on Amazon Kindle and Kindle Unlimited! But I've kept you all waiting long enough. So, last thing, I'd once again like to thank my beta readers Steeler Steelix, Pyromania 101, and Third Fang. And to answer our guest reviewer's question Third Fang has been filling in whatever little gaps I happen to miss in my writing of GAIWP Issei, typically with additional dialogue or slight alterations to a scene, which has been a big help. Now then I've kept everyone long enough, on to the story!
The Underworld: Lounge Area
"So," Issei began, surprisingly being the one to break the silence in the room, "Any word on how the Maous intend to gangbang me?"
"You know, I hear there are some people in the Underworld who'd kill for an opportunity like that." I replied while typing and sending the latest of many messages on my phone. One thing that occasionally surprised me about Serafall was her ability to multitask. She could have full-on conversations with people while paying attention to other projects like her texting or drawing. No doubt she was employing that skill now with the other Maous.
"I actually do know some of the people who'd kill for that." Issei informed me. "At least, back in my world, I do. The Three Factions don't seem as tight-knit here. Or at least the leader's aren't. Then again, I was technically a part of the reason for that back home."
"Not really surprising," I replied, "Even after having peace for two centuries it's hard for the older Devils, Fallen, and Angels to forget. They have pretty long memories."
"Still having dick-fighting competitions under the table." Issei scoffed. "Guess that explains why they jumped at the chance to fight a dragon. Gotta keep their reps intact."
"Actually, they were probably thinking about Valentine." I corrected. "Did they have an atrocity like that in your world?"
"Not ringing any bells other than it's a place in the Underworld." Issei replied, momentarily glancing at his left hand and supposedly getting another negative reaction from Ddraig. "What happened?"
"The one and only time a Heavenly Dragon wielder was reincarnated into a Devil," I explained, "I don't know if it works this way in your world but when someone is reincarnated here they're much more powerful than when they were a human. The same thing applied for the user of the Sacred Gear at that time, and he eventually went ballistic. The result was almost complete destruction of the city and the deaths of thousands before it was finally halted by the Maous. That one incident is why it's actually illegal to reincarnate the Sekiryuutei. In fact, it's practically a crime to even bring one here."
"So I'm illegal, is what you're saying." Issei surmised with a raised eyebrow. "Funny. It's actually the Church that's banned from getting the Sekiryuutei back home, and that was only after I showed everyone how disgustingly easy and effective it was to Boost recordings of the Bible by the Seraphim."
For some reason, I felt like there was a poor-tasting joke about immigration on the tip of his tongue, but for once he kept it to himself.
"Wait, if you could Boost the effects of something like that…?" I asked warily.
"I wanted to get out, not to commit pointless mass murder." The teen deadpanned. "Even in a blind panic, I have priorities and standards."
"Right." Something tells me there was something he wasn't saying there, but I decided not to push the topic. On a side note, I made a mental note to bring that info about the Boosted Gear and the Church back to the Maous once this mess was all over. Such a thing wouldn't affect me, I was sure, but still…
"Anyways, I'm saying you're very feared down here." I offered. "Now consider this: you popped up out of nowhere in the middle of a massive public event where all the Maous and the 72 Pillars are gathered along with a large number of young Devils. You then flared that… whatever it was, all over the stadium while standing little more than ten feet from Serafall's one and only sister. I think you can see where I'm going with this."
"She didn't think, just moved to protect her sister," the otherworlder finished, "And the other Maous…"
"Had no idea what the hell was going on because Serafall and I hadn't told them anything." I picked up. "In hindsight, we should've told them right away. But I was standing next to Sera the whole time and I can guarantee that she had nothing to do with that last teleportation."
"Gah, this is irritating as fuck." Issei rubbed his head. "I've got enough issues back in my world already and now I gotta deal with this otherworld bullshit."
"Don't worry," I assured him while glancing at a new message on my phone, "I sent for someone to bring the kind of stuff for taking the edge off."
"Hope you told them to haul ass because—"
BAM!
Issei was cut off as the door burst open and a girl with long blonde hair that reached past her waist, blue eyes, brown cargo shorts, and a red shirt that said "I am the Bone of My Sword" came bounding into the room.
"Who's ready for some booze?!" She cheered happily while waving a can of beer in the air.
"AAAARGH!" The Sekiryuutei screamed in actual terror before leaping behind the couch like it would protect him. "She's here! The Ninja Puppy is here!"
"Oh, sorry," the blonde girl apologized with a laugh, "I got excited when I heard we'd be drinking and forgot your new friend was on edge, Shirou."
"I don't think that's the actual problem here." I responded before looking behind the couch. "Are you okay?"
"She's here, the Ninja Puppy is here, how did she get down to the Underworld?" He muttered to himself before coming to some horrifying revelation. "No Issei! You fool! The barriers between realms do not apply to true ninja! It was all a ruse from the start!"
"Why do you keep calling Asia 'Ninja Puppy'?" I couldn't help but ask. This unexpected reaction to Asia was certainly a new one for the eccentric guest.
"Asia Argento," Issei responded while holding his hands over his head, "She's able to enter my territory without setting off any of my high-strung senses and she can even touch me without setting me off. She's overly clumsy, too, able to trip and fall while wearing a nun's habit and still expose her panties to the intended target. That's not a move an ordinary person could pull off but is absolute child's play for a ninja."
"Silly," Asia said, having moved around from the other side of the couch and bending down in an attempt to make eye contact, "Shirou already has ninjas, he doesn't need me to be one."
"You lie!" Issei exclaimed as he crossed to the other side of the room in a heartbeat and hid behind the couch there. "That was a ninja art just now! You snuck up on me and I didn't even see you move! Don't play pretend! Even Assman can't keep track of you!"
Not even going to try and ask who "Assman" is.
"Well, Shirou was in front of me so of course you didn't see me move." Asia said matter-of-factly before turning to me. "Is he okay, Shirou?"
"To be honest, I'm still figuring out exactly what's considered 'okay' by his standards." I replied before bending down and opening the cooler that my Bishop had brought along with her. "But first thing's first, let's work on settling down."
I pulled out two beers, one of which I tossed to Issei who snatched it out of midair like some kind of dog before immediately hiding behind the couch again.
"Alright," I began while popping the can of beer open, "Why don't we start with introductions? Asia, this is Hyoudou Issei, but not the one from Rias' Peerage. This one is from a completely different world—like me, actually."
"Oh, did he make a deal with Miss Serafall too?" Asia asked with a quizzical expression on her face.
"No." Issei's voice came from behind the couch. "She claims she summoned me by accident. Of course, what we really need to figure out is what caused the last 'accident'. But since we're waiting on the damn Maous to make up their minds, all we can really do is sit here and wait until they're done flapping their gums. Which might be never, knowing my luck."
"Well, if that means we'll be here for a while, why don't you tell us about yourself, Mr. Hyoudou?" Asia suggested, not at all perturbed by his irritated tone. The sound of an annoyed sigh came from the other side of the couch before Issei gulped down the last of his current beer and tossed it back over the couch. I caught it on instinct and dropped it into the waiting trash can without a second thought about how accurate his throw was.
"If we're gonna do that," he said, "Keep those coming."
An Hour Later
"….And that is how you misuse a chandelier in such a way that it's eternally memorable." Issei finished his explanation with a bit of a slur. It wasn't that surprising at this point. We had been downing can after can of the Underworld brand beer that Asia had brought. And she'd brought a lot of it.
It turned out that the otherworld Sekiryuutei could be somewhat chatty once he settled down. Well, chatty if you count going on one rant after another. But he also told us a bit more about himself like how he awakened his Boosted Gear at a young age, got discovered by his world's version of the Underworld after correctly diagnosing a brain tumor in a porn star's head, his various studies and practices to expand his skills in not only his Boosted Gear but also magic, senjutsu, the medical sciences, etc.
Then, there came the stories of the wild parties he often attended, usually due to Azazel being ever present on a college campus, and boy were they a team? Naturally, I couldn't help but wonder about the sanity of some of these guys subjecting a preteen to all of this even if he did possess some crazy superpowers.
"I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that you went and put a car on the roof." Asia laughed. "Whose car even was it?"
"The wrong person to mess with, that's who's it was." Issei answered. "I don't quite remember much of what happened after that, but I woke up hanging from a tree a half a mile away. Sore as fuck, too. Moral of the story: never drink the punch at informal parties run by Fallen. Don't matter the ranking. Spiked harder than railroad tracks. I'm supposed to be damn near immune to most of that shit too with all that poison and chemical tolerance training I put myself through."
"The more I hear about this, the more I'm glad I don't attend events like those." I said. "Devils here can party pretty hard. And they also like to enact evil schemes at them, too. Some of them even include chandeliers."
I was only half-joking on that last bit, but couldn't help it. If you knew what to look for, it was pretty easy to get an amusing reaction out of the teen.
"I'll take your word for it." Issei shivered in restrained horror. "As you most plainly saw earlier, crowded places DO NOT fly with me anymore. I can barely tolerate going back to school. Even if it is just high school level. Sleeping through all the classes helps."
"What about small parties?" Asia asked. "We can invite the rest of our Peerage over and play some games. Maybe we could even get Sona to join us."
"She'll come if chess is involved." I quipped. "But I have no desire to get my ass handed to me for the thirtieth time."
"That almost sounds interesting." Issei admitted. "Who would Emiya Shirou put in a Peerage?"
"I only have a few right now: four Pawns, one Knight, and you've met my Bishop already."
"About the same size as Weeb's." Issei noted. "Hopefully, they're not all greenhorns."
"The Pawns are Fallen Angel ninjas who used to serve Kokabiel." I explained. "The Knight is a girl named Xenovia who used to be a part of the Church until she saw me use Excalibur. Now she thinks I'm King Arthur and nothing I've said has been able to convince her otherwise."
"Have you told her you wanted to bone King Arthur?" Issei asked with a glimmer of amusement in his eyes.
"No, but you realize she'd just take that as the equivalent of me saying 'I want to fuck myself'." I pointed out while taking a big swig of my beer.
"Apparently, there are things you can buy on the internet that will let you do that." Asia announced. "At least, if I read correctly."
"No, let me." Issei cut in with a raised hand. "As a designer and manufacturer of custom-made high-end sex toys, I can provide you with the very best equipment for fucking yourself!"
He then took out a Root-be-damned sex toy ordering pamphlet out and… was that the criminal Kuroka on the front?!
"I'll help!" Asia declared a little too happily for my taste.
"Is there a reason everyone suddenly wants to help me go fuck myself?!" I exclaimed.
A look then passed between us all before we burst out laughing. But what made me happier was that Issei seemed to be genuinely laughing. It was clear he hadn't been able to do that in a long time.
Even so, I didn't miss the fact that even when laughing and in a better mood, the teen didn't smile in the slightest.
"…Wait, that Emo Chunni Coco Puffs of all people had ninjas here?!"
That was probably the first time I had actually managed to catch at least one of my Pawns actually slip up in the background. Maybe there was something to keep this guy around after all.
Another Several Minutes Later
I don't know when but at some point we all dozed off. Issei had been convinced to sit on the couch with me and Asia while flipping through the pictures on his phone. There were more than a couple special ones I'd soon forget, but by that point we'd all probably been too wasted to remember anyway. And speaking of which, I could already feel the start of a hangover.
'How long have we been sleeping?' I thought groggily before trying to move my left arm. Strangely, it seemed to be up in the air. Wait a minute. My eyes opened slowly at first as I took in the sight before me.
Was that Serafall in front of me? And her hand was on mine which was on…
"Gah!" I yanked my hand out of hers before falling over the side of the couch. At nearly the same time Issei awoke and was instantly standing on the spot I'd just fallen off of, poised like some kind of guard dog. As for Asia…
"Come on, guys," the nun groaned while rubbing her head, "I can already feel a hangover starting."
"Oh sorry about that," Serafall said even though her smile said she was anything but, "I was just helping my dear Shi-chan have sweet dreams."
"How was putting my hand on your chest supposed to help me dream?" I asked after standing up and dusting myself off.
"Is that a rhetorical question?" Issei gave me a double take as if I had asked something blatantly obvious. Right. Different universe, same obsessive fetish.
"Don't you remember our earlier conversation?" The Maou asked in mock offense while moving one arm under her bust. "I used to have a witch chasing me around to feel up these things. I thought you might want to know why."
"Unfortunately, her logic tracks." Issei said, surprisingly. "Hers and Gabriel's boobs are some of the best out there. I felt them up enough to know."
"You mean you tackle-hugged them so you could bury your face in their boobs." Asia corrected. "You were a naughty little boy growing up."
"Not like they actually tried to stop me. Everyone thought it was amusing and cute back then, like I was some kind of eccentric pet." Issei pouted, not even denying the accusation."Blame Ghost. He's the one that enabled me."
"Who in the world is Ghost?" Serafall asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I'll tell you later." I said. "Right now, we need to know what the other Maous are thinking. That is what you came here to tell us, right?"
"I was hoping to seduce you a little too, but yes, the Maous have reached something of a decision. Let me give you the basics."
A Couple Hours Earlier: Upper Part of the Stadium
"So you mean to tell us that a Red Dragon Emperor from an alternate world was summoned here?" Falbium summed up while rubbing his head. "And it was by accident?"
"That's the only explanation I can give you right now." Serafall answered. "He was literally summoned here right before the ceremony. At the time, he didn't seem as tremendously dangerous as the Red Dragon Emperor of this world so I was going to keep him in the mansion and then mention it once it was all over. I didn't want to spoil my little So-tan's big moment, after all."
"Even so, I wish you would have given us some sort of heads up." Sirzechs spoke up. "You realize the implications if anyone realizes that a Red Dragon Emperor, no matter what world he comes from, was loose in the Underworld?"
"Given the fact that the ceremony was broadcast all over the Underworld," Ajuka pointed out, "We're going to need an alibi very quickly. Thankfully, the fight went the way it did and I was able to shut off the cameras at the exact moment our attacks struck him."
"What are the odds everyone will believe he has been dealt with?" Zekram Bael asked. While not technically a Maou, those behind closed doors often referred to him as the fifth Maou. He was the oldest living Devil in the Underworld and was responsible for raising much of the support for the Anti-Satan Faction back in the war. Thanks to this, Sirzechs and the other Maous trusted him, if for no other reason than it would've been a problem if he was their enemy.
"The majority of the Underworld will likely believe it," Serafall stated, "Especially if we spin it right. The problem is: people like the Khaos Brigade who are a bit more perceptive will definitely take note. If we're not careful they could use this information to cause a panic."
"That's assuming they aren't the ones behind it to begin with." Sirzechs pointed out. "You said he was summoned to your home by accident when you were casting water magic. Congratulations on that, by the way."
"Believe me, I would be celebrating that achievement big time right now if not for this. I even have a new magical girl costume design. But right now, the biggest problem is figuring out how and why he teleported here in the first place."
"It is exceptionally odd." Ajuka observed. "If the Khaos Brigade had the ability to teleport into the stadium, then why would they bother with an otherworlder? And why wouldn't they have just summoned him to the arena? If their goal was to attack us, then there's a number of places and ways they could've done it with such an approach."
"Speaking of approaching," Sirzechs said while glancing over towards the shadows, "Did you have something you would like to add?"
"I hesitate to add it because I'm not sure if it would be useful," Sona said as both she and Rias Gremory stepped out of the shadows, "But given the severity of the situation, I feel it would be unwise to hold anything back."
"Now don't be like that, So-tan." Serafall chided while also resisting the massive urge to leap up and hug her dear sister. She'd noticed Shirou getting her out of danger and would definitely reward him for that later but she hadn't been able to confirm until now whether or not she was completely unscathed. "You're an observant, intelligent girl. If you noticed something odd, then it most certainly bears mentioning."
"Here goes then." Sona began after adjusting her glasses. "Right before Issei was summoned here, I had a… vision of sorts. There was a dark room with lights that made it look like space and an old man in the center. He had a wooden chair and a strange book that began flipping through its pages on its own."
"ZELRETCH!" Serafall exclaimed, drawing the attention of the other Maous.
"I beg your pardon." The younger Sitri sister said while trying not to look confused.
"Zelretch." The magical girl Maou repeated more evenly this time. "He's supposed to be an extremely powerful mage from Shirou's world. A girl named Rin Tohsaka mentioned him at one point but didn't go into a lot of detail."
"That is fascinating," Ajuka observed, "But why would a mage from Shirou's world send someone from another world to this world? Do you think it has something to do with Shirou being here?"
"It's possible," Zekram admitted, "But what I don't quite understand is why Ms. Sitri is having visions of him."
"I may have a theory of sorts on that." Sona replied. "What if my sister is not the reason Issei was summoned here?"
"Please elaborate." Rias requested. "I'm quite curious why there's another version of my Pawn running around."
"While it is true that Serafall was present for both of his summonings, I was also present," Sona began, "As well as Shirou so we'll need to question him too. But currently, I witnessed that room not once but twice. And both times I was experiencing strong emotions. Dear sister, I know I may be asking a lot, but could you demonstrate your water magic?"
The other Maous' eyes all shot over to the eldest Sitri as she sighed. "You really shouldn't put your big sister on the spot like that." Serafall said before pulling out her magical girl wand and holding it out. As before, she gathered and concentrated her mana, but unlike before she had full confidence she could perform the feat this time and quickly summoned a small orb of water.
"Remarkable." Ajuka praised while examining the small orb of liquid. "How long has it been since you were able to conjure plain water?"
"Not since dear Evelyn," she replied with a moment of sadness, before immediately perking up, "But now I have Shi-chan! And it's all thanks to him that Serafall Sitri is back!"
"We'll certainly have to thank him for that later." Sirzechs agreed before turning back to the younger Sitri. "And Sona, you were present to witness this event?"
"It was upon the request of our mother that she attempted to conjure water." The younger Sitri explained. "It was a rather tense moment as you might imagine. For a brief moment, I saw a flash of that room. Obviously, I thought I was imagining things at the time. Then, there was what happened here."
"Ah yes," Zekram recalled, "The timing does seem coincidental. You had just voiced your dream about a school for reincarnated and lower-class Devils, to very little delight if I recall."
"I've learned to be a patient girl," Sona replied, "But that does not mean I have wiped out my ability to feel, if we assume that my feeling of strong emotions is what summoned Issei here."
"It would explain a number of oddities surrounding the summoning." Ajuka agreed. "We'll need to experiment with that a little."
"You had better not be thinking of poking and prodding at my little sister, Ajuka." Serafall warned. Though her tone was still playful, the smile she gave and the noticeable drop in temperature was more than enough to indicate how she felt about such a thing.
"It would be far less dangerous than trying to prod at an otherworld dragon emperor," the green-haired Maou pointed out, "Unless you like the idea of him unleashing whatever it is that's sealed behind that cloth."
All four Maous repressed a minor chill. It had been only for a scant moment, but when the young man had reached for the Heaven-made shroud on his right arm, they had all sensed the existence of something… exceptional, different, dangerous, incomprehensible, lying underneath it. Something that they would prefer not to risk unleashing in their world if at all possible.
"I'd like for him to go back where he came from with as little trouble as possible, and judging by our guest's mood, he is of the same opinion." Serafall answered. "We have enough to deal with as is."
"Unfortunately," Sirzechs decided to mention, "The only person he seems to have a modicum of trust in would be Serafall's Queen, Emiya Shirou."
"I still find the reason for that quite odd." Zekram noted. "He trusts your Queen for no other reason than he appeared in a popular series in his world."
"My Shi-chan is a very noble, very trustworthy individual," Serafall pointed out, "But I imagine you knew that already. And does it really matter why he trusts Shi-chan so long as he has a reason not to flip out like that again?"
That said, it probably wasn't for the best that the Sekiryuutei had a clearly mixed and extreme history with their own counterparts if his enraged rants were anything to go by. The lack of trust for them might very well be warranted.
"I suppose not." Zekram admitted. "Of course, Emiya being your Queen and the Red Dragon Emperor's summoning being apparently connected to your sibling, this makes Issei your responsibility."
"Don't try and push all of this off on me." The magical girl Maou retorted. "You guys need to help with this too because it's all of our problem."
"Naturally, I'll assist with the other-dimensional research." Ajuka said. "Science is more of my area of expertise."
"I'll approve whatever materials you believe are necessary." Sirzechs added. "Now the question is: what to do about the Rating Games?"
"I think they'll understand if we delay." Zekram answered. "A shame, though. I was really looking forward to this one."
"Guess your evil schemes will just have to wait this time." Serafall snarked before hopping up. "Now then, since everything seems more or less settled, I'd best be off. I've left Shi-chan alone with that doppelganger long enough."
The Present: Lounge Area
"Zelretch?" Issei repeated with a dead and unamused stare. "Fucking Kaleidoscope? You're serious. I was joking when I brought him up earlier."
"It fits the description I have of him from Shi-chan's memories," Serafall replied, "But I don't know much else beyond that, other than he likes to sit in that observatory and, well, observe."
"And apparently he's imitating Merlin here." Issei frowned as he put a hand over his face and sighed heavily.
"Merlin?" The name did not escape my ears.
"Lore says he's still alive and just spying on everyone from his tower in Avalon with broken clairvoyance. Even now."
"Interesting, but not important." Sera cut in. "What do you know about Zelretch?"
"The old troll is a being from the same one that Shirou comes from, and one of the most famous ones that is name-dropped in nearly every story at some point even if he rarely if ever shows up in person. Doesn't matter which timeline it is, so for simplicity's sake, let's just assume that this one comes from one of Emiya's."
"What is he supposed to be in my timeline?" I couldn't help but ask, already expecting a headache. Sure I could kind of wrap my head around parallel world travel now, but that didn't mean I had any idea how time travel and multiple timelines worked.
"He's an important mage at the Clock Tower, sometimes a vampire depending on the timeline." Issei explained. "He's also one of the most powerful mages in the world, giving him the rank of Wizard Marshal, and once pushed a falling moon back into orbit. As in the entire damn thing. This all stems from the fact that he's the master of what's known as the Second Magic. Not a master. THE master. Shit like that matters when it comes to monsters on that level."
"Oh no, not that headache." I groaned while rubbing my own forehead. "That's the one that has to do with parallel worlds, doesn't it?"
"The Second Magic," Issei continued, nodding, "Is also known as Kaleidoscope. Its entire operation deals with parallel worlds including observation and interaction with them. Honestly, I'm surprised that Illya hasn't given you the rundown about the guy when you first showed up in this reality. She'd know more about him than me."
"Why in the world does this wrecked guy do that?" Asia asked.
"The common consensus is that he uses the Second Magic in order to further the survival of mankind." The Sekiryuutei elaborated factually. "By having access to other parallel worlds, humanity would be able to continue even if things went completely south. Some disasters are potentially so massive they can drag down entire branches of reality with them if they get out of hand, not just 'the world.' It probably has something to do with quantum time locks and the identification of straying excess timelines for pruning, but that's dealing with deep technical lore that I never got deep into. Since things didn't turn into a complete shitshow in Shirou's world, the old man must've turned his attention to this one out of curiosity, which is bad news."
"How bad?" Serafall asked, already knowing the issues that could come from beings capable of affecting space and time.
"Zelretch doesn't just pick any world out of a hat. He's able to see eventual outcomes of any world he observes. The worse they are, the more interest it garners. The worst ones he actually bothers to get involved with to fix in one way or another. The problem is: his observation is so powerful that whatever possibility he chooses to observe will become the only real one. At least, until he loses interest."
"And what exactly does that have to do with me or you?" Sona questioned as she stepped through the doorway. She'd been just outside listening up to this point, deciding now was a good time to speak up.
"It means whatever possibility he observed in the first place included me being teleported here and you being the one to do it." Issei replied in minor frustration. "If I'm right, there's a chance you have some access to the Second Magic and causality's warping until some pre-established condition is fulfilled. That's what's been teleporting me all over the place. Why me in particular though? Fuck if I know. Technically speaking, I should be protected as far as multiversal forces and shenanigans go."
"Protected? Why?" I asked, just as confused as the others.
"I know a guy. And he's an asshole with a messed up reputation and connections. The kind that those in the multiversal business would prefer to avoid the moment they hear he's in the area." The teen evasively gave a vague answer. "Probably best not to tell you more than that. Too much information causes problems."
Sera and I looked at one another skeptically before we let the matter go. If he didn't want to delve further into the topic, then we would oblige. That said…
"Why can't this friend of yours help you get back then?" I asked.
"He's too occupied at the moment, unless things get really bad. But if he jumped into things, it would only make things worse for everyone in turn. Essentially, calling on his help is a last resort that nobody wants to happen." Another evasive explanation, but the point was made nonetheless.
"Curious." Sona observed. "Does this Zelretch fellow always manipulate things through such annoying means?"
"He's a parallel world hopping mage with the power to alter reality, and is constantly sticking his nose into others business and major world events." Issei pointed out with an insultingly emotionless tone. "When has a guy like that not been a complete pain in the ass?"
"Your 'guy', I take it?" I asked skeptically.
"You really don't want to know." Apparently, that was a yes.
"It does bring up an interesting question, though." Serafall chimed in with a hand on her chin. "Is Sona only able to summon you to herself, or can she send you to other places?"
"No clue." Issei shrugged. "For all we know, she's only able to do it subconsciously."
"One way to find out, I suppose." Sona commented before closing her eyes.
"…Hey, you're not trying to do that right now, are you? No no. No experimenting with unknown and undefined time-space manipulation abilities on me on impulse please." The otherworlder paled. "What'll happen if you get the wrong destination or get the process wrong? You could send me to a completely different—" But his pleas were cut off as the same red magic circle appeared and glowed brightly. "Oh, you FUCKING—!"
Then the circle was gone, and Issei along with it.
"Sona," I said after a moment, "What did you do?"
"Relax, Shirou." She replied while adjusting her glasses, clearly proud of herself. "I didn't drop him with sharks or into some cavernous pit, as tempting as it was. I merely sent him to the front lawn of my home. Now, if you'll give me just a moment." She closed her eyes again, concentrating with more intensity.
I guess calling him would be harder than sending him away. Sona is a Devil of pride, after all, and prideful people aren't the best at asking for help. Fortunately, the youngest Sitri seemed to have figured something out as after a couple of minutes, the red magic seal appeared again. And a very annoyed Issei along with it.
"Out-fucking-standing!" He shouted, clearly angry. I couldn't blame him, to be fair. "Completely disregarding the countless ethics and safety violations of playing with experimental time/space phenomena on an unwilling target, little miss Enabler 2.0 is able to make me come and go as she pleases! Congratu-fucking-lations! I guess you're gonna randomly teleport me to cover your ass during a fuckup or whenever puberty kicks in!"
"I assure you, I am growing at a perfectly normal and healthy rate for my age." Sona replied in her usual neutral tone, usually reserved for when she was holding back some of her own temper. "Besides, it's not like I am liable to interrupt anything important while you do nothing."
"Being teleported from the bathroom is actually a thing." He pointed out with a seething tone. "Don't you dare pretend it isn't. Not with how much Devils have abused the hell out of that spell over the centuries."
He was actually right about that. There was a whole section about it when I was studying up all the do's and don'ts of teleporting myself and others when I first learned how to pull it off. There were some pretty hefty fines and punishments listed for the misuse of teleportation circles depending on what they were used for. I wouldn't be surprised if Issei knew them all by heart, either. He seemed like the type that would memorize them all for one reason or another.
"Of course, I wouldn't want to interrupt your masturbation time." The Sitri heiress said with a dismissive wave.
"I don't masturbate." Issei corrected so effortlessly and emotionlessly that I honestly think it might just be an instinctual reaction more than anything.
"And I don't do celebratory hip thrusts in private when I'm having an exceptionally good day." Sona replied. And I won't lie, I snorted at that one. She managed to say all of that with a straight face. The best part was: I'd actually seen her do it once.
"….I can see it." He replied with just as straight of a face before turning to Sera. "You got pictures for a rainy day?"
"No comment." My King smiled politely, which we all interpreted as a yes.
"You're as bad as Kuro-nee."
"Wait…" Sona realized the folly of her words far too late and the implications of her sister's.
"Your act needs work. Saying random bullshit like that off the cuff with a completely straight face might as well be a signed declaration of guilt."
"Take your own advice then." Sona didn't give up, trying to turn the conversation back on him.
"No. Seriously. I genuinely don't masturbate." The Sekiryuutei held his ground firmly.
"And yet you watch all that porn? Come up with another story why don't you." The girl scoffed.
"Child, don't make me sit you down and run you through my five-part presentation on the influence of the porn industry and its endless reaches throughout history." There was a flame of zealot-like madness starting to burn in the Sekiryuutei's eyes. "Don't make me Clockwork Orange your ass."
And there was my cue to step in before things got even more derailed.
"Issei, take a break and go. You're clearly working yourself up again." I said while pushing him out the door. "Just remember to come back after you cool off, we still have a lot to figure out."
Issei went along this time, thankfully, though I still heard more than a little bit of nonsensical rambling about "the power of porn" as he went.
"You have pictures?!" Sona hissed, unnerved to her sister as soon as she was sure he was out of earshot.
"You should teleport him." Serafall smiled mischievously, changing the topic almost instantly to avoid giving a direct answer.
"I most certainly will not." Her younger sister refused without hesitation. I had a feeling she was going to bring up her elder sister's espionage later. "Believe it or not, I think he intends to get worse if I do."
"That's the point." Sera's smile widened.
"I'm with Sona on this one, can we not?" I spoke up. "We've already seen what happens when he gets pissed off. If we want him to cooperate with us, we can't just be screwing with him every chance we get."
"You sure?" Serafall asked with a raised eyebrow. "He seems like the type to enjoy screwing with people, so why not a little back and forth?"
"Because we don't know how far he's willing to escalate it if we push too far by accident." I said. "And to his credit, the most he's guilty of so far is just spouting some nonsense. He hasn't actually done anything to anyone. I vote we just focus on 'back' right now, namely, getting him back to his world. We already have enough issues as it is."
"You mean the Rating Games?" The Maou surmised. "They have been delayed."
"For how long?" I asked, somewhat surprised at this turn of events.
"Long enough for us to hopefully deal with this problem, but I also recall you have an issue that needs dealing with as well."
"Oh yeah." I remembered as my face twisted into an odd frown. With all the commotion, I had forgotten about Hyoudou Karasuba, this world's Red Dragon Emperor. She was still out on the prowl in Kuoh, and I needed to do something about her so she didn't wind up killing anyone.
"Perhaps I can help with that endeavor." Sona offered. "We have the address of her home on file at the school."
"Wait, you aren't seriously going to come with me, are you?" I asked in concern.
"I won't have anything to worry about while you're with me." Sona pointed out. "Furthermore, I know those files like the back of my hand. If we want to be in and out as fast as possible, then you're going to need me to look through them."
I wanted to protest that, really, but I closed my mouth the moment I realized she was right. I really should've brought the files to my home the moment I'd seen them but after catching Karasuba's eye on the same day, I really, really didn't want to think about her until after all the Rating Games nonsense was out of the way.
Guess I got my wish, just not quite the way I expected.
Walking through the halls, we quickly came across our unruly guest again, who noticed immediately that something was amiss without any of us saying a word. I had to admit, while he was perpetually rude, this Hyoudou Issei was notably sharper than he lets on.
"So where are you gonna stick me while all of this is going on?" Issei frowned. "I know you don't want two dragon emperors tearing up Kuoh, and I personally don't want to be teleported. Again."
"I would say just hole up in the mansion again," Serafall began, "But I imagine it's no longer considered safe by your standards."
"Is anywhere safe when I could get teleported every time Enabler 2.0 remembers how to feel things? Or should we just load her on ADHD medication while I'm here? Ritalin? Adderall? Dextroamphetamine?"
Everyone looked at him skeptically.
"Medic background, remember? It doesn't apply to just white magic."
"Not really." Sera replied, clearly putting in an effort to ignore the suggestion of pumping Sona with drugs. "We'll just have to stick you in a broom closet for a bit."
"Magical girls, conspiracies, nobility, and broom closets. Seriously, this is two steps away from being a bad Harry Potter fanf—" Issei started to say before I interrupted.
"Just put him in one of the guest rooms back at the mansion." I said while rubbing the bridge of my nose. "We won't be on the surface for very long, and Sona will head straight back."
"What about you?" The Sitri heiress glanced in my direction.
"Hopefully, we won't run into Karasuba and I'll come right back too." I answered. "In the event we do, though, I have a request."
Evening: The Park Near Kuoh Academy
The trip back to Kuoh was much shorter than the trip to the Underworld, but that wasn't too surprising. The reason was: we used a mystic train provided by the Gremory family on the ride over to the Underworld in order to get the new members of our Peerages registered. It was a protocol thing so they could track who was coming and going more easily. Since Sona and I were already registered, we had been allowed to use the teleportation seal to return to Kuoh.
The reason we were popping up in the park was to avoid the possibility of accidentally running into Karasuba if she was at the school. Who knew how she'd react if a couple of Devils suddenly appeared out of nowhere right in front of her?
Admittedly, she could just have easily been at the park, but at least here there was a lot less property damage that was bound to happen.
"Alright." I said after surveying the area with my magic senses along with reinforcing my eyes and ears. "Doesn't seem to be any sign of trouble so far."
"Then let us proceed quickly." Sona said as we began walking. "The sooner we get this errand taken care of, the sooner we can get the bigger problem dealt with."
"You realize I'm the one who's going to be dealing with most of said problem, right?" I reminded her.
"Would you prefer Serafall handles it?" Sona asked while looking at me out of the corner of her eye.
"I suppose not." I admitted. Best case scenario if that fight ensued was Karasuba getting turned on by magical girls. I shuddered at the thought because Karasuba was already out of sorts as she was.
"We both know that as frightening as Karasuba may be, you still hold the advantage overall." The student council president reminded me. "Rias and I have full confidence that whatever you have planned for her, you'll pull it off."
"That's the thing about plans," I replied as we walked onto the school grounds and entered through the gate with a key that Sona had. "They don't always go the way we want them to. And given how my Devil's Luck functions—" I stopped as we both sensed a sudden surge of magical energy. "Sona, head into the school."
Prideful though she was, Sona recognized the tone in my voice as one not to be argued with. So with a simple "be careful", she quickly moved to enter the school while I stepped towards the source of the disturbance. It turned out to be some type of magic circle that was positioned vertically in the air. It wouldn't remain long, however, as it spun rapidly to generate a yellow portal from which three individuals emerged.
One was a gray-haired tall man whose entire frame seemed to be nothing but bulging muscles, while the other was a blonde-haired girl in bronze armor with gold trim and a rapier hanging at her side. The third individual, who stood in the middle and slightly back from the others, was an individual of Japanese descent wearing glasses and a red robe that screamed "mage".
"Good afternoon." The apparent mage said with a confident smile. "Do we have the pleasure of addressing Emiya Shirou?"
Within the School
"Of all the times for the Khaos Brigade to make a move." Sona muttered in mild annoyance as she opened the filing cabinet and quickly ran through the area she knew the needed information was kept. "Honestly, if this is Shirou's or all of our Devil's Luck kicking in, then another Cthulhu ritual is right around the corner." Fortunately, her luck was holding for the moment as she found what she was looking for.
'Good, now to get out of here and contact the others.' She thought while grabbing the file and heading for the door.
Sona closed it behind her out of habit and went five steps before freezing.
The reason? A girl with long silver hair was at the other end of the hallway. It was the last person they wanted to run into: Hyoudou Karasuba, the current Red Dragon Emperor. She stalked towards the Sitri heiress with unhurried steps, a knowing smile on her face as she did so.
And why would she hurry? Sona already knew she could outpace her, possibly even more quickly than she could summon water.
Sona would go down fighting but she'd still go down rather quickly. But she couldn't wait for Shirou, either.
He was currently occupied fighting whoever had just shown up on the school track outside. Then perhaps she could negotiate, but Sona was too scared to even speak right now as Karasuba inched ever so closer to her.
"I remember you." Karasuba cooed as her eyes opened just the slightest bit. "You're one of the Devil girls."
'What are my options?! What are my options?!' Sona thought frantically, finding it hard to catch her breath let alone listen to what was being said. 'I can't die here, there has to be a way!' And that was when she saw it again: Zelretch's observatory. 'No wait, that idiot isn't what I need right now!'
But it was already too late.
"Would you mind calling Shir—huh?" The appearance of a red magic circle actually made Karasuba lose the smile on her face, replacing it with one of confusion as her eyes closed completely.
"You seriously couldn't last even three hours, could you?" Issei deadpanned as the teleportation ended, clearly not amused nor impressed at being teleported again. With a loud snap, he closed the large textbook in his left hand right before it seemingly vanished. Sona barely managed to spot the words "Outer Multidimensional Theory" on the cover, but she had more important things to focus on at the moment. "I was joking before about loading you with pills. I wasn't challenging you to prove otherwise."
Instead of saying anything, Sona simply pointed right behind Issei.
He turned, a sarcastic comment already on his tongue. "Ironic. Summoned by a Devil as a half-assed deus ex machina to deal with a villain of the wee…"
The last letter of the word died on his throat as his eyes fell upon Karasuba. "Can someone please explain why this world is so insistent on screwing with me almost as much as mine is?" He asked to no one in particular. "I would greatly appreciate it."
Given that two Red Dragon Emperors were now standing in the same vicinity of each other, it was a reasonable question.
There is another...Hyoudou. Sorry couldn't resist, Star Wars nerd and all that. But yes it seems the worst case scenario may be happening with two temperamental dragon emperors now coming face to face with each other! The results of which we'll be seeing in the next chapter, so in the meantime feel free to leave a comment or review about what you liked/disliked or if you've got any neat ideas for future chapters. And don't forget to check out my book, Plains Riders, on Amazon Kindle and Kindle Unlimited! Stop in next time as the battles begin and Sona tries not to have a heart attack! 'Til then.