Beaches, Babes, and Battle Plans
Hello everyone and welcome to the latest chapter of I'm Too Sober For This! You're in for a real treat with this one as it shall be showcasing the first of possibly multiple Omakes! Even more extra special, this particular Omake has been approved as official GAIWP canon by Third Fang himself, so check it out if you've read his story. And speaking of checking out, don't forget to check out my Pat reon by putting 'maskedspider' at the end of the website name. If you'd like to support me and what I do, leave a donation or become a patron and it'll really help me out! Now then with all the announcements out of the way, let's head to the beach!
Shirou's Renovated Home
"Shirone," Kuroka almost whispered, her voice a mix of relief, joy and trepidation, "Look how you've grown. I've watched you from a distance all these years, but to actually see you now so close…"
"Sister," Shirone responded with slightly narrowed eyes, "Please, answer the question: why are you here?"
The elder of the neko siblings sighed. "I came here because—GAAAAAAAHHHH!?"
Her explanation was quite rudely interrupted by Illya jumping onto her back and whacking her with the magical girl scepter she'd gotten from Serafall.
"Begone, evil devil kitty!" She commanded in between blows. "We have enough of you taking Onii-chan's attention!"
"Wait, Illya, stop!" I pleaded, grabbing her around her arm and waist and attempting to pry her off of our unexpected guest, with limited success.
"Get off my sister, murder loli!" Shirone yelled, grabbing Kuroka and trying to pull her away from me and Illya.
"Cats and Illya fighting for dominance." Karasuba suddenly announced with a hungry gleam in her eye I really didn't like. "Let me in on this!"
We then all screamed at the sight of our world's Red Dragon Emperor pouncing on us, which resulted in a mass collapse into a kicking, screaming heap that would take several minutes to untangle, even with help.
When all was said and, painfully, done, we found ourselves back in my living room with Kuroka alone in a chair in the middle while the rest of us sat around her. Understandably, more than a couple of us had a weapon, spell, or ability ready to let loose at any moment.
"So this kitty here is a member of Vali's team." Wukong mused aloud while stroking his furry chin. "Been a minute since I ran into a Senjutsu master of her level that wasn't one of mine."
"I've had a couple of years to practice my art, and the disposition for it." Kuroka explained, her eyes flickering over to her sister before falling back on the Monkey King. "Shirone is likely just as capable as I am and could reach my level given a bit of time."
"Just know that I'm something of a master myself." The Monkey King pointed out. "Fair warning, child: the moment you try somethin', I'll sense it and show you the real pain that can be caused by our craft."
"I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing while my dear Shirone is here." The Nekoshou purred while lifting her breasts up with one arm and staring at us with innocent eyes. "Honest, I'm going to be a good kitty."
"Just a heads-up guys." Issei spoke up, the only person in the room taking the situation less seriously than Kuroka if the porn running on his cell phone was any indication. "The Kuroka in my world has a habit of throwing panties in people's faces the moment she gets even slightly horny. You'd be surprised what her budget for underwear was and how long we tried to get her to stop it until we gave up and convinced her to just go commando. Given our luck, it'll probably be me or Shirou that gets the next high flier if this one's similar."
"Oh? You know about my panty budget?"
"I'm taking out the catcher's mitt."
"I'd rather get some more relevant answers." I interrupted with mild irritation, already forgetting what Issei had just said. I fixed my attention on the woman I'd planned to reunite with her sister. "Now, tell us what you were going on about before. About the attack."
"Of course, the reason I'm here." Kuroka nodded, sitting up straighter and with a more businesslike expression on her face. "As I mentioned earlier, it's come to my attention that my dear Shirone misses me."
"I said I still loved you." The younger sibling corrected. "I didn't necessarily say I… wait, how did you even know I said something like that? I only told that fact to one person."
"That was one of the other things I'd come to tell you." Kuroka rubbed the back of her head in slight embarrassment. "You see, I've kind of been spying on this place with the rest of the Khaos Brigade."
What?
"If that was the case, how did you manage that without any of us knowing?" Sona questioned sternly. "Before Shirou even gained his Pawns, we had a number of spells set up to ensure privacy and prevent eavesdropping. Otherwise, the Khaos Brigade would have found this place sooner."
"I'm afraid my sister and Emiya's are to blame for that." Kuroka laughed lightly. "After the two of them had their disastrous first meeting and tore the place apart, we had a couple of our own people take part in the renovation. Now this place is full of altered privacy seals and bugs telling the Khaos Brigade all kinds of things."
Shit.
"THE KHAOS BRIGADE'S BEEN SPYING ON THIS PLACE?!" Xenovia and Gasper shrieked in unison.
"You would not believe how many people were surprised by the fact that Gasper's a boy." The older Nekoshou smiled amusedly. Needless to say, the Bishop and Knight retreated to a corner, muttering to themselves about how embarrassing the whole thing was.
"Why are any of you surprised? Vali and Ophis wouldn't have been able to hunt me down so quickly after leaving this place earlier if there wasn't a bug or two around here somewhere… hold up." Issei frowned as his mind went somewhere before he looked up. "If you're not lying, then how did you pull it off? Shirou's structural grasping should've picked up any sort of tweaks like bugs in the house."
"It would if I'd actually used structural grasping on the place after the renovation." I revealed, slightly embarrassed and scratching my cheek.
"You didn't?!" Issei half-shouted in both amazement and disappointment. "Why wouldn't you have used structural grasping on this place by now?! The hell did your magus and Grail-War-spawned paranoia go?! It should have been one of the first things you'd do to any building you come across before even stepping inside, let alone your own home!"
Internally wincing, knowing that he had a point, instead of saying anything immediately I pointed to Illya, then Gasper, then Xenovia, and finally Karasuba while also having Illya hold up her wand for Serafall.
"I've been a little busy dealing with several… eccentric problems recently," I explained, gritting my teeth. "I'm sure I don't need to say any more than that."
Issei stared at me for a good five seconds before slapping his forehead.
"I hate the fact that there are so many of them that I have to agree that you have a fair point." He admitted with a scathing tone aimed nowhere. "Except for Illya. She doesn't count."
"Hey!"
"You're the Einzbern explicitly trained for a Grail War for a decade. By all rights I expected you to be on home base security faster than him. Don't even try to play innocent with me when you're the older sibling."
"Urk!"
I wisely kept my mouth shut and looked away the instant Illya looked at me for support while I watched our guest's cutting words literally pierce her chest as though it was some sort of cartoon. We both knew he was right the moment he said it and I was not going to pretend either one of us was innocent for the slip-up.
"Wait, Illya's the older sister?" Someone in the room whispered, confused.
Issei sighed. "That said, now that they aren't being distractions, you best get to it. As in, now."
I nodded before standing up and putting my hand on the nearest wall.
"Trace On." I chanted, pulling back and slamming down the hammer of the gun in my mind. Information flowed into my brain at a rapid pace. I could see every board, every post, every wire, and even the impossible-to-get-to nooks and crannies. In addition, I saw the history of the house, every owner before me, every time something had to be fixed and replaced, every storm it had weathered, and every time someone had tampered with something in it.
That was when I found what I was looking for, or rather the first of many little irritants I'd been looking for.
"Since we're all waiting," Rias Gremory finally decided to ask the question that was at the back of everyone's mind as she turned to Issei, "Do you happen to know why Ophis picked now to attack you and why?"
"Other than the fact that I had just left the house and was exposed for the first time since showing up here? Ophis is one of the three most powerful beings on this planet." Issei explained with a heavy sigh. "You know it. Everyone knows it. And she knows it. Throw in the usual immortality that those levels of monsters have, and unsurprisingly she's not usually in much of a hurry to do anything because she knows she can obliterate whatever she wants with minimal effort to get what she wants whenever she wants."
"Ignoring the 'strongest three beings on the planet' bit, skip to the part that we don't know." Sona pressed, no doubt saving that information for later. Everyone knew about the Great Red and Ophis, but the way Issei talked sounded as if there was something out there somehow on the same level as them.
Issei held up his right arm with the holy shroud wrapped around it. "As for why she attacked me in particular, she wanted the guy that's in here. She wants his help to kick old Red out of the Dimensional Gap so she can reclaim it. Sooner rather than later in particular. And before any of you even ask about how feasible that is, let's just say this guy's an extreme outside factor, even compared to Shirou and my being here. Ophis, any Ophis, will instinctively call him 'Grandpa' for a reason. He is the only 'Grandpa' out there. No variants or alternates between worlds with this one."
There was an ominous chill in the room. Any doubts we might have had about his claim about the entity in his right arm were smothered instantly.
"I'm guessing there's a reason we don't want her releasing this Ghost character, then?" Kiba surmised. "Besides you dying in the process, of course."
"Without getting into too much detail, he was damn pissed when he was put under." The Sekiryuutei of the other world explained with a wince. "And by pissed I mean he was debating just wiping out my universe right then and there for putting him such a bad mood. He's trying to sleep it off since he actually does try to be a decent person most of the time, but shit will go down if he's woken up early, inside my Sacred Gear or not. And no, he won't notice he wiped out the wrong one until it's too late. Knowing him, he'd probably just excuse what he'd do by saying something along the lines of 'if the idiots here didn't bother listening to your warnings and still woke me up, then they deserved it.'"
"How charming." Sona shifted her glasses, unamused. "I now see where the differences between your personality and our Issei's originated."
"You do realize that the bugs haven't been removed yet, right? Should you be saying something that sensitive?" Rias asked warily.
"I said it because the bugs are still active." The teen deadpanned. "If those peeping morons have even half the brains they think they have, they'll take the hint not to try and potentially piss off the monster that's leagues higher on the reality and existential totem pole than Ophis."
Well, when he put it like that…
"It's little wonder you don't masturbate with those monsters in your hands," Akeno commented, once again at the other side of the room.
"FINALLY someone gets it."
"Wait, you actually believe the porn-monger?" Karasuba looked at Akeno in disbelief.
"He's shameless about these sorts of things." The fellow Queen shrugged, as though it simply explained everything.
Everyone turned to look at Issei.
"… Shit, you're right."
Judging by the twitching of his eye, it was pretty clear to everyone that everyone acting surprised he really had been telling the truth the entire time was particularly grating.
"Are we going to have to lock you and Shirou in a small room together before you get over that?" Sona half-asked, half-wondered to herself.
"More than a couple good pieces that start off in a locked room." Issei commented sourly, already distracted by porn and blatantly attempting to ignore everyone around him again. "Very niche, yet loyal fanbase in that field."
"Really? I haven't watched any—" Kiba was interrupted by the porn expert producing and tossing four DVDs to him without looking up. "Yet."
I shook my head. "Back to the original topic before we get distracted again, what do we do with Kuroka?"
Kuroka, on the other hand, looked more interested in the DVDs Kiba had put away.
"Given that she's a member of the Khaos Brigade, we should be arresting her and taking her to the underworld." Rias supplied. "But I'd like to hear what exactly she intended to accomplish by coming here first."
"Would you be so kind as to disable the bugs first?" Kuroka requested. "It'd be best if the Khaos Brigade didn't hear this next part."
I signaled to my four Pawns, quickly informing them of the locations of all the bugs. It only took them a few minutes to get them all, their own experience at spying on people likely proving quite valuable to speed things up. As soon as the task was done, I signaled for her to continue.
"Alright." The elder cat sibling took a breath. "I wish to become part of one of your Peerages."
"WHAT?!" More than a couple members of said Peerages practically shouted. Before it could devolve into a gaggle of us yelling random things at our guest, Sona held up a hand.
"You have committed numerous crimes as a member of the Khaos Brigade." She listed. "Even before that, you killed your own master. Now, after all this time, you suddenly show up and believe… what, that we'd just forget everything and let you join a Peerage belonging to one of the great families?"
"No, I fully expect that I'll have to work to earn your trust." Kuroka acknowledged calmly. "Revealing the bugs to you was only the start. I'll tell you everything I know about the Khaos Brigade, its members, our hidden bases, our spies. At the very least, I can tell you about Vali and the other members of his team."
"Would you also be willing to be put under surveillance and have your powers restrained?" Rias continued for Sona.
"Whatever you deem necessary." She shifted her gaze to Shirone. "I just want to be able to catch up with my little sister. There's so much I want to tell her."
"Soooo does that mean you know about your hairclips?" Issei cut in while pointing at said accessories. For once, the look in his eyes wasn't glazed, but displaying a mix of rather complex emotions.
"What about them?" Kuroka looked at the otherworlder quizzically, unconsciously reaching up to touch her white cat hairclip while Koneko did the same with her black clip.
"Let's just say your parents were real dicks." He divulged with a small grimace and avoiding eye contact.
I had not gone that far into the Nekoshou sisters' history prior to Kuroka's turn to crime, but I suddenly had a desire to push a bit further back after this.
Issei turned to me with a knowing glance. "Care to take a look? It might be different in this world."
The Nekoshou sisters turned to me with a questioning look. I just shrugged and held out my hand, waiting patiently as they undid the clips of their accessories and gave them to me. A quick bit of structural grasping was all I needed to see what Issei had been talking about.
"They're electronic chips." I announced gravely. "The kind used to store data."
Kuroka's hands balled into fist, a low growl escaping from her throat.
"Damn you, father." She hissed. "You finally found a use for your pet kittens, didn't you?"
"I don't understand." Shirone spoke up, confused. "Why are there chips with data in our hairclips?"
"It's a long story." Her older sister replied sadly. "I'd love to tell you everything right now, but the longer we remain in one place, the more likely it is that Ophis or one of the other Khaos Brigade members will shows up."
"It seems we have no choice then." Sona realized with a sigh. "We'll continue this conversation at one of my family's hideaways. Let's just hope my own sister wasn't planning a surprise welcome party."
It didn't escape my notice that Issei had left the room first without talking to anyone, even when Kuroka clearly was about to thank him.
A Couple Days Later: Private Beach of the Sitri Family
"Welcome to our little home away from home!" Serafall cheered. "We've got sun, sand, and shaved ice!"
Said ice she produced with a wave of her magical girl wand, which she was still carrying despite only wearing a light purple bikini, and filled up several plastic cups.
"We have four flavors." Ramiel announced in his usual monotone voice. "Cherry, blueberry, orange and lemon. Come and try some." He'd been forced to wear an apron and a little oval-shaped hat to man the shaved ice cart. A similar torment had befallen my other three Pawns, all of whom were running different carts for dango, skewered octopus and squid, and cold drinks.
I would've tried talking Serafall out of doing such a thing to my Peerage members, but that annoying part of my brain that had apparently developed ever since I made a contract, the one that made me let funny stuff slide no matter how bad of an idea it was, told me to let it go on for a bit. Besides, it was at least less embarrassing than the ninja turtle masks. And everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves.
Many of the girls were either sunning or swimming, Xenovia was practicing her sword swings in her swimsuit, Shirone was raiding all the food stands, Gasper was hiding in a surprisingly well-made sand castle, and Illya was on Karasuba's shoulders hunting large predators in the deep water.
And the monkeys were in the cage, and…
I reached up and casually flicked the mini-Serafall off my shoulder. It gave a squeak as it sailed through the air, clutching a book that had a hideous old woman in green on its front cover (don't ask) like a lifeline.
Anyway, as for us guys, Kiba picked now of all times to do his homework and read the material he'd been given, Saji and our Issei were trying (and failing miserably) not to drool over the numerous ladies in swimsuits, and all of this was being observed by me and otherworld Issei on a nearby hill.
Technically, I'd been put in charge of an interesting little delicacy known as a rum ham, but I could see it from where I was and it was still set to slow cook for another couple of hours, anyway.
"I never thought to ask," I began, "But do you and beaches get along?"
"It depends on the crowd." He shrugged. "Used to be I had some pretty good sights I'd liked to see every now and then whenever I was dragged away from my research and work. Now it's about like anywhere else: it could be fun but I'd be just as happy doing upkeep and keeping myself busy."
"I get what you mean." I empathized. "Learning how to have fun like everyone else after Fuyuki was… difficult. The things that make us happiest usually revolve around seeing other people happy. That said, I hate to bring this up, but what happened with Karasuba earlier? I figured that Wukong guy being around would keep you guys from getting in a fight."
"It technically did." Issei confirmed with a nod. "We just took a few too many jabs at each other. I imagine you don't care, or already know, who started it but I'll admit I lost my temper, too. We both see things in the other we don't like, and some other things we envy: My irregular way of using my powers and work ethic put me on an absurdly high pedestal for a while, before I fell further than where I started, taking down those that bothered to stay with me; Hers made her a threat to everyone around her right off the bat until someone who could actually teach her showed up. We're both going through life now wanting for it all to just fucking stop already, but always finding some reason not to do it ourselves. Everything's more or less a bad joke to us by this point."
"I won't pretend to know what that's like." I admitted while looking at the horizon. "You know my story, you know I went through pain and anguish to get even the slightest bit stronger. Then I made a literal deal with a devil to save my sister when even that wasn't enough. I know I'm strong now, stronger than I've ever been, but there's still so much I can't do alone. If I could jump into Kara's arm right now and beat down Ddraig until he lets her live in peace, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I can't and… what's funny?"
"Sorry." Issei snickered. "It's just, horrible fucking CGI, that's what's funny. You know in what they call the Saber route of your story, you pop into her body to help deal with a nasty little issue she was having. Unfortunately, the first anime in the franchise was half-assed at times. During the show, it manifested as this horrible-looking dragon representing her innate lineage that you had to defeat in order to save her. I think it's looked on as one of the more cringeworthy moments of the early franchise outside of some really embarrassing bits in the English fan translations that didn't go over well."
He clearly wanted to mention something else humiliating, but for once kept his mouth shut. No doubt it would have ended the conversation right then and there.
"I was inside of Saber at one-damn it." I cursed, realizing I'd walked right into that one.
"Balls deep." Issei confirmed, guessing my thoughts. "Though I do not recommend the same method for your Ddraig problem. Any Ddraig could tear apart that shitty CG dragon for a snack, and I doubt you're close enough to the shrew to even try it to begin with. No, there are other methods for dealing with his attitude."
"Any that won't result in the nice beach being turned into a crater." I emphasized. "Sera assured me the training areas could take whatever we dish out, but this place was not rated for the full might of a dragon of that caliber."
"I've got a few ideas, for me at least." Issei shrugged. "The first of which involves a lot of salt and maybe a soundproof room. I'm sure you have a mass of former on hand. Shampoo works too if we run out of salt."
"I have access to the Sitri family's personal food suppliers." I added, knowing better than to dare to ask the wrong questions at this point. "We can get as much salt as you need. Speaking of which, is there a way we can do it without the two of you trying to maul each other again?"
"Karasuba would probably jump at the chance to quiet that feral dragon in her head down." Issei pointed out. "She may hate my guts, but she'll keep herself in check for something like that. At least for a while. But just in case, you and Illya should probably ask really, really nicely and be around when it happens."
I was about to respond to that before the sound of my sister calling for me reached our ears.
"HEY ONII-CHAN!" She called up, waving while still atop Karasuba's shoulders. "Come look at this! Kara might've gotten tomorrow's dinner!"
Said dinner appeared to be a type of giant eel upon whose head they were both standing on.
"I better go check on that." I sighed. "Make sure it's actually edible. Be right back." I descended the hill in short order, already half expecting the eel to somehow still be alive. But, as my luck would have it, that waterborne creature would not be the one causing trouble.
"Hah." Issei breathed out as he leaned back on his hands and stared absently at the sky.
He was starting to debate the pros and cons of staying in this world.
On the one hand he was, of course, not from here in the first place and therefore an anomaly capable of causing all kinds of problems if he wasn't careful. He also didn't have all of the connections and conveniences he'd acquired back in his world. The latter, at least, was a problem that could be mitigated with a bit of time and effort on his part, especially if some of the blackmail he had still worked in this world.
If even a quarter of the shit he had on Azazel was still good, he could easily coast by for the rest of his life if he wanted.
Then there was also the fact that he was in a world with a real life Emiya-Fucking-Shirou, one that had proven trustworthy and easy to get along with. Even if he didn't ask, Issei already knew he'd try helping him with his situation, and for once he felt like he'd agree without too much of a fight. Not to mention there were some actually bright people here that wouldn't require his help every time something went even the slightest bit wrong.
Topping all of that, Carnelian Bael didn't exist and wasn't looking to ruin his life again in this world.
He had checked. Extensively.
On the other hand, he couldn't leave mom alone. He had already screwed up his family enough as it was. He couldn't leave behind the one family member that hadn't abandoned him when he was at his worst.
Then there was Nee-san. And Kuro-nee. And all the others that had at least tried to put in some effort to help him again.
He still had things to do back home. And he never left a job half-assed. His mangled pride wouldn't let him.
He was an unstable wreck. He wasn't a sloppy, selfish, heartless, unappreciative monster.
No matter what nearly everyone in the mythological world back home thought of him.
Even if the thought of leaving it all behind was more tempting than he would like to admit.
… Damn it.
He was letting his mind wander again. Focus or get some porn. Keep thinking about other things.
Pros and Cons. Right.
Cons of staying. The only major problem he personally had in this world that couldn't easily be addressed was… Ophis, riiiiight.
One of only three beings back in his world capable of kicking his ass with absolute certainty, and odds were the same applied here, too. And, unlike the time he got fucked over by everybody who said they could help him, he could not blame anyone here for not being able to help him because it was Ophisafter him this time instead of someone simply playing politics and stacking the deck with his own cards.
That was literally like asking someone to be your shield for the nuke that was going to go off in the area because of you in the first place.
They were working on plans to face her, but in all honesty, the current best solution was to send him back. Not that he blamed them. If they couldn't, the next best solutions would be to somehow… where was the sun?
"Oh, they have hydras here too." Issei noted calmly as he opened his eyes to see said nine-headed monster looming over him. "You should know, I turned the last hydra that tried to eat me into a science experiment for someone. She made many strides in her research with the venom that was extracted. You want to be next?" Obviously, the hydra didn't talk back but it did move away a little, which would've been great if Issei had actually been the reason.
Turns out, its main head had just been staring at him because it recognized him as a dragon while one of its other heads had just taken the rum ham and swallowed it!
"No!" Issei shrieked upon seeing this. "The rum ham! Spit that out right now you multi-headed ham-knobbler!"
Without any sense of self-preservation or hesitation, Issei leapt at the hydra almost as if he was a certain Spartan-turned-God-of-War, and proceeded to beat down one head, then another, and another while it tried snapping back at him. "So help me, I will force-feed all of your heads a bottle of ipecac each if you don't cough it up before it hits your second stomach! Don't you dare think I don't have enough for it!"
Fact of the matter was the only reason the nine-headed beast wasn't shark food right this instant was him not wanting to get hydra guts all over the beach.
He was forced to clean it all up by himself the last time that happened.
"For the rum ham!"
"Wait, Issei STOP!" The voice of Asia cried out from the hill he was just on a moment ago. "She's not dangerous!"
"This thing is a hydra!" The otherworlder yelled back while holding on to two of the heads and kicking the face of a third. "I promise you it is dangerous! And it stole an Emiya-made dinner!"
"She's not dangerous, she's my familiar!" The blond Bishop loudly retorted. "Her name is Ms. Peanut Wigglebutt!"
Issei stopped his assault, his mind taking a moment to process what he'd just heard.
"I'm sorry, did you just say Peanut Wiggleb—AAAAAAAAAHHH!" He would've finished his sentence, but the large mythological beast picked that moment to send him flying down into the pit where the rum ham used to be. "Ah! Hot! Shit balls! Fuck!" Issei hopped out of the still burning pit, brushing ash off of himself and out of his swimsuit.
"Friend of my lord," Xenovia was the first to arrive, carrying her sword and everything, "Are you injured?"
"I'm fine." He huffed with an annoyed grunt while dusting soot off of his rear end. "I think I got half a stick of charcoal up my ass, but otherwise fine. But now we're down a rum ham and I'm a mess thanks to the hydra no one bothered to inform me about. Seriously, I can't go to a single lake without one of those things ambushing me."
"I thought hydras were supposed to be rare?" Asia tilted her head, confused.
"Exactly."
"Our sincerest apologies, Lady Asia assured us Lady Wigglebutt would be on her best behavior." The Knight bowed.
"So that wasn't a joke, she has a hydra as a familiar and she calls it Peanut Wigglebutt?" Issei asked, already fairly certain he knew the ridiculous answer.
"I told her no, a dozen times but she was insistent." I explained, showing up with everyone else. "And that little part of my brain I told you about earlier approved the atrocity that was the name Wigglebutt."
The Will of Serafall. Somehow, I just knew those four words were running through his mind, too.
"But the ham is gone." Shirone reminded us while looking forlornly at the empty spot. "What'll we eat now?"
"Is this the part where you tell us you cleaned out all of the food stalls?" Saji dared to ask, fairly certain he already knew the answer.
"They're in the middle of restocking right now." The miniature Nekoshou stated as though there was nothing amiss.
"No, no it's fine." I assured with a sigh and a hand on my forehead. "We actually got lucky this time. Kara, could you bring a slab over?"
The answer we received was an even larger bit of monster meat slamming down onto the spot where the rum ham had been.
"I can't wait to see what recipe you whip up with this." She commented while retracting her sword to its normal length. "I haven't been on a monster diet since I came back to visit."
"Wild game is low in fat." Shirone noted factually from a positon that conveniently put me between her and my Queen.
"Don't worry." IIlya assured from her perch on Karasuba's shoulders. "Onii-chan can make anything taste great!"
"It's what I do." I responded with a shrug. This was my pride we were talking about, gotta express it from time to time.
"While he's doing that, and while we're all here," Sona spoke up, "I believe it's time we all discussed our criteria."
"Ah, but we've only been at this for a few hours, So-tan." Serafall whined before glomping me. "It's not every day I get to enjoy time with my Shi-chan on the beach."
"You know I can't cook with you clinging to me like this, right?" I attempted to point out. As per the usual, though, she already had a solution to the problem.
"Then how about this?" She cooed, switching to hanging off my back with her legs wrapped around my waist. "It never seems to impede you when little Koneko is hanging onto you like this."
"It's not like I ask her to cling to me." I responded. "She just decided I'm the safest one to be around."
"You cook me good food and keep the cat-loving dragon away from me." Said neko girl reminded. "You are the safest one to be around."
"Alas, he's not going to be able to train you in Senjutsu." Sona dropped a somewhat somber reminder. "Believe it or not, he's probably going to have to be doing some of his own training. Hyoudou Issei, would you be willing to participate in such an endeavor?"
"Me help Emiya-Fucking-Shirou become even more of a badass than he is now?" The alternate world Issei almost snorted. "I wanted to do that, anyway. Rumors and eccentric fandom aside, I've an idea or two we can try when you have the time."
"How many of them are porn-related?" Rias Gremory dared to ask.
"That is on a need-to-know basis!" He declared loudly with a clenched fist and burning eyes.
So roughly all of them then. Fun.
"Worst case scenario, we can always ask Wukong or one of the others to help him." Sona added, knowing it'd be a waste of time to get into an argument about it right this instant. "Rias, am I to assume you and your Peerage shall be training under Okita Souji once again?"
"The rest of my Peerage shall be." The Gremory heiress corrected. "Xenovia is also welcome to join. He is a powerful swordsman, I believe you'd be able to learn much from him."
"If my lord allows it, I shall consider your generous offer." Xenovia answered with a bow.
"You say that like you're not going to be training under him." Akeno observed, somehow able to hear despite being as far from me as possible yet again.
"I'm not." Her King confirmed. "I intend to train under my brother."
"Sirzechs?" I questioned with a raised eyebrow. "I thought you didn't want any help from your brother?"
"That was before beings like Albion and Ophis appeared." The red-haired heiress explained while holding up one finger. "I've realized many things ever since our near deaths at the hands of Kokabiel, chief among them is being realistic about my own abilities. There are other members of the Bael family who could help me master my Power of Destruction, but none of them are able to wield it to the same degree as my brother and more than a couple of them would probably try something if I went to them."
"You realize Ophis is probably one of the few beings who can directly withstand the Power of Destruction with little trouble, right?" I could tell from his tone that Issei wasn't sure if this Rias knew about that particular issue, but it definitely didn't hurt to bring it up.
"Then it's a very good thing we don't plan on fighting her without a strategy." Rias replied with a smirk. "You seem to know a lot about her, I'm sure we can come up with something."
"I'd have a better chance of coming up with a winning strategy against the entire Khaos Brigade alone." Was his honest answer. "But as things stand, we don't have much of a choice. If she was that easy to take down, any one of the major factions of the world would have pulled it off centuries ago."
"I just hate that this is all happening right as the Rating Games resume." Saji sighed. "I was looking forward to showing off."
"Don't worry, you'll still get your chance." Serafall assured, while still clinging to my back! "It's too late to cancel the Rating Games again and where better to test the fruits of the training you're all about to undergo than an arena battle?"
"I don't have to participate too, do I?" Issei almost cringed uncomfortably. "You know, crowds?"
"Nope, you can watch from my home, or Rias's home, or anywhere else Ophis won't be able to sense you easily." The magical girl Maou assured. "If you want to go to the stadium, though, we do have some private boxes, but you'll also have to have Shirou keeping an eye on you."
"Guess that's better than having a couple of highly elite randos keeping an eye on me." Issei admitted. "Will there be an internet connection and concessions?"
"A Rating Game just isn't a Rating Game without a few spectators getting absolutely wrecked." Serafall replied with a smile and a peace sign.
Well, I guess that explains why the colosseum and spectator insurance part of the documentation always took up several binders whenever I saw the litigation documents being passed around.
"So porn, a show, enough booze that I might stay drunk for more than a few minutes at a time for once, and the occasional interlude where I can hang out with a bro." Issei shrugged. "Fuck it, sign me up. At least if something goes down this time, there'll be backup around."
"And we'll know where you'll be." Sona commented. "Now, that brings us to our last item for the time being: Kuroka."
"You think my sister can't be trusted, don't you." Shirone more stated than asked.
"We're sorry, but it's hard to accept she'd just show up now of all times when the Khaos Brigade has started moving." Rias apologized while putting a comforting hand on her Rook's shoulder. "I want to believe she's innocent just as much as you."
"But," Kiba continued, "We can't rule out the possibility that she's just trying to gain our trust for the Khaos Brigade. It's even possible she's being used without knowing it. Until we know for sure, we have to keep our eyes open."
"Don't worry." Saji assured with a thumb pointed at himself. "We won't let that kitty pull one over on you or the rest of us."
"Hello everyone." The voice of said evil kitty rang out. "Sorry I'm late, the interrogation took longer than expected."
As one might expect, she was striking a sexy pose in a scandalous black bikini that looked like it could snap at any moment under the weight of her massive breasts.
"And so it begins." The otherworld Issei deadpanned, clearly not surprised by her shameless display.
"SHE'S COMPLETELY INNOCENT!" Both Saji and our Issei exclaimed with obvious perverted looks on their faces.
"That's two perverted idiots we can't count on." Karasuba commented dryly.
"Kiba's nose is bleeding too." Shirone ratted the sword wielder out pretty much immediately.
"Sorry, it's just…" He tried to think of how to describe it. "I think I may have finally discovered boobs."
Nearby, Rias' and Akeno's eyes flashed dangerously. The poor Knight was unaware of the difficult conversations he would have later that day.
Otherworld Issei's response to that was to slap five books into his hands.
"Then you're ready for the next lesson. You're gonna learn about types of breasts you never even knew existed and how to properly treat them for maximum effect and safety for short, medium, and long-term intercourse for your and your partner's satisfaction. Also, as supplementary material, how to look for potential early signs of common mammary-related diseases and other health-related issues, and how to conduct yourself on the occasion that you do encounter one. That shit happens more often than you'd think."
I just rubbed the bridge of my nose, hoping that all the training we were about to do would somehow balance out this madness. Wishful thinking, admittedly.
"ROAAAAR!"
"Why is Asia's hydra rolling around in circles like a demented cat on catnip?"
"Is it drunk?"
"Rum ham."
"What proof rum did Shirou put on that thing?"
"Ms. Peanut Wigglebutt! No! Don't go after that boat! It's not a toy!"
"ROAAAAR!"
Omake: The Awakening of Endless Crimson Hoard
The World of GAIWP Issei: Ten Years Ago
"He's still at it." Ddraig mused from within a glowing green gem on Issei's left hand. "This studying binge of his has gone longer than normal. How many multi-volume textbooks has he read at this point?"
"A shitload." The voice of Ghost answered through Issei's right hand. "Using Boost on his retention and reading ability is panning out way better than either of us expected. Even better, he's getting pretty comfortable with the other abilities of your Sacred Gear so far, and in just six months."
"Which reminds me," the Welsh Dragon hummed, "When are we gonna start teaching him how to work your Sacred Gear? You've been screwing around with mine left and right since you got here. I can't be doing all the work here."
"Hey, it's not my fault your Boost ability is way more practical and easier to use than mine." Ghost countered. "We keep it simple. I've seen what can happen when you let a seven-year-old start screwing with reality with just one power, let alone two. This is one of those times when you need to walk before you can run. You don't mix and match multiple ways to alter reality casually and expect everything to be fine. Shit can go down… or up… or oblong, or whatever. You get the point."
"You'll forgive me if I find your idea of pacing and self-control to be a bit lacking." Ddraig mocked, the tone of his voice making it easy to imagine his eyebrow (or what passed for one on a dragon) being raised.
Ghost scoffed. "What's the point of going through the nightmares I've dealt with if I can't screw with a few things to pass the time? And if you think I'm bad, you should see how fucked up some other guys that become interdimensional reality warpers, let alone try. Trust me, playing with the rules of the world is not something you want to rush… unless it's hilarious and you can be proven to have zero responsibility for the aftermath by the authorities."
"Why do I bother?" The red dragon rolled his eyes within the gem. "Let's both just be happy that the kid is serious about this. Speaking of which, does it feel odd in here to you?"
"Odd, how?" The interdimensional traveler questioned. "I mean, I'll admit the kid has been pretty focused today. He'd have to be to ignore the both of us taking potshots at each other again. Usually, he has something to add."
Issei hadn't said a word. Instead, he had just continued reading his latest medical textbook, oblivious to the world around him and to the two inner worlds within each of his Sacred Gears.
"Hey, kid, you okay there?" Ddraig asked. "It may just be me, but it feels as though it is warming up here."
"Since when does a fire dragon notice it getting warm in a spiritual void?" Ghost wondered aloud.
"Oi, partner, are you listening to us?" The dragon within his left hand tried even harder to get his attention, but it didn't seem to be working. Issei was absolutely focused on his reading material to the point that even voices shouting in his head weren't getting his attention.
"Shit, something's off." Ghost observed. "One sec, I'm going to try and tap into him directly and—"
"M̷͈̀o̴̰̐r̷͓̭͂̎ḛ̴̀̐.̸̜͓̓ ̸̰͕̔̑M̸̙͈̍o̷͂͜ͅr̶̲͐e̴̬͌.̷̮͂ ̸̦́ͅN̴͔͈̄͝o̷̡͘͝t̴̡̕̚ ̸̳̳̓͑ë̵̻̘́͗n̶̼̿ȯ̵̹ú̵͇̲̀g̶͇͔̈ḣ̴̙̣.̷̻̯̽ ̴̥̀͜Ṱ̸̰̅͆h̵̡͝é̶̲͍͝ ̷̼͙̿H̷̢̦̀ā̵͖r̶̛̥e̸͔͊m̷̘̑̂ͅ ̸̪̆̆n̴͕̬̎̐ḛ̶͔̃̓e̴̹͂d̷̞̓s̴̠͌̾ͅ ̷̦́͝m̴̂͜ǫ̶̗͌͗ŕ̶̠e̴͚̬̐̊.̸̜͐̃ ̷̣͓̃F̶̝̀̊ô̶ͅr̶̪͗́ ̶͚̟͆͊t̶̠̋͋h̶̙̠͒e̷̙͛͜ ̸̗͝Ḧ̵̯̹́a̶̟͑r̴̙͗͠ĕ̵̞̦̿m̵͖̹̎̄.̸͎̋ ̴̩̔Ḫ̵̳͗̅a̵̬̻͂r̷͖̝͊e̶̯͑̽m̴̱̚.̵̣̘̋ ̸̼͈̈́H̴͇̹̄â̷̺̬̆r̸̩̬̀e̸̢͈͂̕m̴̜̀̒.̸̤͍̉ ̶̝̓͜M̶̥̞̿o̶̮͐̑r̵͇̲̈́e̶͎̭̔.̵̠̇ ̴̮̖̒N̸̩̕è̸̢̖e̶͚̹͊d̶͖͋̍ ̷̞̀Ṁ̶̰̍o̶̡̭̍̀ṟ̵̛̖͂e̶̱̐.̸̦̇̎ ̷̛̫N̷̰͚̿͊o̷̖̾̕t̶̼̂̽ ̸͕͉̎̑e̴̙̗̎n̸̨͕̆̕o̷̭̩͂̆u̸̧͖̽g̴̮͆̈́h̴̦̃͘.̷̳̠̾ ̶͓̻̎H̷̰͐͒a̷̤͝r̵̨͕͊e̴̢̺̅̎m̷̩͌͘ ̴͈͉̌H̸͇͠͝ä̶͓͔́̒r̶̈ͅe̵̤̾m̸̠̪̅ ̵͍͂H̴͕̋a̶̘̿r̴͍̂e̸̞͇͐̉m̶̨̟͛͘ ̶̱͝Ḧ̵̗ả̸̲͇͠ṟ̴͙̍̉e̶͍̓̽m̴̟̄.̵̙̃͝"
"Whohohohoaaah!" Ghost immediately pulled his connection back from Issei's direct thoughts as though it was on fire. "I did NOT expect THAT."
"Explain!" Ddraig clearly was losing his patience.
"The kid's obsession's gone into overdrive. He's pushed himself into a literal obsessive mental loop. Even for the natural-born nuts, you never see it kick in that hard this early! His mind is naturally shutting everything, including us, out in order to maximize taking in as much as possible to better prepare for The Harem…"
"BOOST!"
"… Did he just use the Boost to speed up his already rampaging thoughts and retention again?"
The dragon on the other hand was far more alarmed. "We need to stop him! He's gonna fry his brain at this rate!"
"Alright, time to put the work gloves on: One mental spirit hack coming up." Ghost announced while cracking his knuckles. "You try and shut off the Sacred Gear on your end!"
"Already working on… by Ophis' ass it's too late!"
Issei suddenly twitched, raising up his left arm, the jolt leaving a confused look on his face as the full Boosted Gear began to glow brightly from its core gem. "What the—?"
But it didn't stop glowing. Instead, it continued to radiate energy. Its form distorting a bit until it became something new. Then the light broke, scattering small particles around the Sacred Gear wielder that quickly dissipated into nothingness.
But the boy's full attention was on the new form of his Boosted Gear. Its gold side pieces were now gone and instead four red spikes pointed downwards near his elbow. Four shorter ones pointed out at more of an angle around his wrist and the back of his hand. Four small green jewels, two on each side of the gauntlet, had been added along with two more on his knuckles and around his fist.
The most notable new features were the change of the main green jewel which covered the back of his hand. It now contained the split iris of a dragon, and metallic coils encircled the Sacred Gear. Issei moved and flexed his arm curiously. He went to clench his fist and the coils reacted, bunching up like a spring. Figuring there wouldn't be any harm in trying, he pumped his fist.
The new form reacted with a *chack* *chack* sound.
"Huh, that's new." The completely clueless boy thought aloud before ratcheting the coils again. This time, they moved quickly, pulling back and springing forward. 'It's like the coiled spring for the pump on a shotgun,' Issei realized, 'It bunches up to create tension and shoots forward the moment the pressure on it is released.'
He tried it a couple more times, finding that even the *chack* *chack* noise resembled the sound of a shotgun's action whenever it ejected and loaded a new shell. "What are you even supposed to be?"
"It's called Endless Crimson Hoard." Ddraig's voice replied somberly, and the Sacred Gear lighting up in response to his voice, nearly caused Issei to jump. He was now talking directly out of the Sacred Gear, so even other people could hear him now if they happened to be in the room. Thankfully, no one else was. "It's a Sub-Species of the Boosted Gear, and a very dangerous one."
"A Sub-Species?" Issei repeated in confusion. "But I thought that took a ton of focus to get one of those."
"You were focused, kid." Ghost explained from within his mind. "Like, stupidly, ridiculously, insanely focused. Cartoon religious fanatic tier."
"Huh? What are you talking about? I was just studying For The Harem."
"You do realize that you normally shouldn't be able to hear the literal capitals in words like that when you talk, right?"
"You shouldn't?"
"To put it simply, you nearly drove yourself insane without realizing it." Ddraig continued the explanation before the two idiots could get any further distracted. "So, starting now, you're gonna need to pull back a bit."
"Okay, but could you at least tell me what this thing does?" The boy asked, his curiosity still at its peak, pumping his Boosted Gear again.
Chack. Chack.
Japan or not, there was just something satisfying about being able to make the sound of a shotgun pumping itself to a young boy.
"Basically, it operates very similarly to the Boosted Gear." The dragon began. "With a few added special abilities. Right now, the main thing you need to worry about is that this particular Sub-Species removes all the limiters on how many Boosts you can use."
"Oho. No limiters eh? Now this sounds interesting." From the tone of his voice, Ghost clearly knew where the conversation was going.
"So I can use unlimited Boosts now?" Issei inquired while examining his evolved Sacred Gear more closely.
"Technically, yes, your Boosted Gear can now store as many charges of Boosts as you want, but it's not that simple." Ddraig added sadly. "While your limiter for Boosts is gone, your body still has its natural maximum capacity. And without the limiter, you will no longer have the means to determine what your body's maximum capacity for Boosting is as you grow and change. You overdo it even once, and you could be permanently crippled or even die."
"You sound like this isn't the first time this thing has shown up. How often have you seen it happen?" The boy wished to know. The more he learned about this apparently deadly variant, the better.
"The Boosted Gear, like all Sacred Gears, has different Sub-Species." His draconic companion revealed. "Nearly all of which still contain limiters in one form or another. Unlike the base version which stores Boosts on the user's body, Endless Crimson Hoard allocates them into the Boosted Gear's minor storage pocket dimension, allowing for an infinite number of charges to be stored but requiring the removal of all its innate safety functions in the process. The problem with this particular variant is that it removes all of the inherent limiters the moment it takes form. In a life of battle and conflict, where decisions are made within a second, it's surprisingly easy to lose focus and Boost past one's limits in a lapse of judgment when tensions are high. Because of that, everyone else that has possessed this Sub-Species has died early on or burnt themselves out overestimating themselves. The few that managed to make a name for themselves didn't last long enough for anyone to notice the Sub-Species was different from the others. Among all of the Sub-Species for this Longinus, this one can be considered a guaranteed death sentence for its user."
"Oh, is that all?"
"… Eh?"
"HA!" Ghost barked out an amused laugh.
"I guess I'd better work on Boosting my innate non-physical limits and traits first. At least most of those won't blow up or kill me if I overcharge them." Issei shrugged, completely ignoring Ddraig's concern. "What do you think would happen if I Boosted natural heat resistance?"
"Hah!" Ghost laughed again, knowing exactly where this was going to go. "Looks like all that insane studying and all the random facts we've been shoving in your skull were for something after all!"
"Huh, you would be able to naturally handle hotter temperatures." The somewhat surprised Ddraig answered. "Boost it high enough and even a dragon's fire might have a hard time scratching you. Technically, there shouldn't be any real limit or drawback to enhancing just that as much as you would want. But you still couldn't stand right in the heart of such an attack. You would need to Boost the power of your lungs and other internal organs to be able to process the lack of oxygen. You would also need to reinforce your body to withstand the blast wave to handle the impact and… wait a minute, why am I telling you this?"
"Because you don't want our boy here to die before giving us a hell of a show." Ghost chimed in. "And I don't either. So congrats on your new Sub-Species kid! Ignore the grumpy lizard saying it's a death sentence. I think you couldn't have gotten a better one even if you tried. But uh, that said, you really should reel it back a bit for a while."
"Okay," Issei agreed. "We'll take it slow. I don't really care about being strong anyway. As long as I can defend The Harem, that'll be good enough. Oh, and keep everyone housed. And financially stable. And healthy. And happy. And…"
'Yep, there he goes again.' Ghost smiled to himself as the kid began to mindlessly ramble. 'That insane kid is going to make a lot of women happy in the future… and absolutely exhausted trying to keep him in check. It's like he's already prepared to get married.' Sniff. 'I'm so proud of that adorable idiot. They grow up so fast.'
And what an interesting future it would be…
And there you have it, a new piece of official GAIWP canon for the fans out there! And of course, things are really starting to move in the main story here as well, so while we're waiting for the next chapter feel free to leave a comment or review about what you liked/disliked or if you've got any neat ideas for future chapters. And don't forget to check out my Pat reon and see about becoming a patron if you've got the time. Finally, stop in next time as our heroes work their asses off in painful and, in some cases, unusual ways. 'Til then.