The Hand That Ails You

Here we are at last, chapter ten of I'm Too Sober For This! For those wondering about the delay, let's just say the world's been a busy place for my beta readers, Pyromania101, Steeler Steelix, and Third Fang, so I'd like to give a shout out to them for managing to find time to edit this with their currently very busy schedules. Speaking of time, why not take a moment to check out my Pat reon and see about becoming a patron! Now then I believe everyone's waited long enough, and with no guest review questions this week, let's get to it!

Near The Private Beach of the Sitri

'This is weird in a way.' I thought as the clanging of two blades echoed across the grassy area near the small sea. 'Everything's ramping up with Ophis appearing and the Rating Games resuming, but right now I actually feel almost relaxed.'

It was probably because of the familiarity of the situation. Here I was once again, clashing swords with Kiba in a spar, summoning the same types of swords as him and matching him move for move. He actually had improved since last time, using more swords he was less familiar with along with a couple of other styles he wouldn't normally try. This meant I could up my speed a bit and even throw in a few counterattacks to see how he handled them.

The one downside to that, however, was my handicap felt the need to hold on tighter. And by hold on I mean squeeze her tiny but unnaturally strong thighs hard enough that it was actually starting to get uncomfortable. "Shirone," I wheezed ever so slightly, "My head's starting to feel like an orange down here."

"I'm not squeezing that hard." The small nekoshou mewed innocently. "Serafall definitely squeezes you harder than this."

"She hugs my waist tightly." I corrected while parrying another few slashes from Kiba. "She has yet to put my head between her thighs, and if you give her the idea, so help me—"

CLANG!

Kiba had pulled a fast switch and tried hitting me with a lunge from a rapier-like sword. I traced and projected another similar sword before, maybe, parrying a bit too hard. The resulting force of the blow ripped the sword from his hand and sent it flying towards the beach house we were using as a temporary residence.

Thankfully, it stopped in midair as if frozen in place. "Good, you have been practicing Forbidden Balor View." The otherworld Issei noted, having come around the house at basically the same time.

"Shirou gave me some good tips on using it." Gasper commented from within the doorframe. It appeared the eccentric outfit he'd picked for today was a pink and white version of Ghost from the Call of Duty franchise. No one had commented on it yet, and that was probably for the best. "But I still can't hold this for very long."

"Hold on, I got it." Kiba assured while holding up his hand and willing the construct away. Gasper let out a sigh, relieved to switch off his Sacred Gear and release the strain.

"So let me take a guess at what your current limit is?" Issei nearly smirked, "is it-?"

"It is way more than nine seconds! WRYYYYYYYYYYY!" The femboy vampire yelled while arching backwards with his hands in the air.

"I knew you had a little Dio in ya." The Sekiryuutei quipped, pleased that someone had caught onto his brand of insanity. "Anyways, where's Karasuba at? The sooner we get this out of the way the less painful it's gonna be for everyone."

"She's on the beach practicing her sword swings." I directed while cocking my thumb in the direction of said blade-swinging girl. "By the way, do you really think you're gonna need that much salt?" The reason I asked was because he had what must've been a fifty-pound bag of salt thrown over his shoulder.

"If her Ddraig is as feral as she claims I'd rather have extra." Issei explained. "And we can use the leftovers, if there are any, for the next meal or two."

"I'll probably need to check all that before we even attempt to use it for cooking." I deadpanned. "I know I can make it delicious, but I have yet to try the taste of dragon and would rather the flavor not accidentally end up in our next meal."

"Do they eat dragon here in this Underworld?" Issei raised an eyebrow. "I mean, there's always some backwoods places where people will eat anything because they don't know better, or care, but I mean on average."

"Doubt it, but I never thought to ask." I gave my honest answer. "Anyway, like you said, let's get this over with." I activated the magic seal next to my ear. "Kara, we're ready to get started."

Instead of giving me an answer, the Red Dragon Emperor of our world Boosted and leapt from her spot on the beach. She landed with enough force to crater the ground slightly.

"I think I'm getting the hang of this new Devil body." She announced, moving and flexing her arm experimentally. "I might even be able to do more Boosts now."

"Careful, you're actually starting to sound happy with yourself." Issei dryly warned. She ignored him.

"First thing's first." I quickly reminded. "We're getting your Ddraig under control."

"Just making him quiet will be an improvement." Karasuba sighed. "Alright porn man, lead the way."

"Please, I'm Porn Elite or Porn Duke at the very least." Issei grunted back. "'Porn Man' is for the common folk." He signaled for her and me to follow him.

"Kuroka should be showing up any minute, so we'll keep training here until you get back." Kiba announced. "Alright Koneko, Gasper, break's over."

Said small cat girl jumped off of my shoulders and followed after her fellow ORC members. As for the three of us, we walked a fair distance from the house and entered a large shed which had a table and some chairs set up in the center.

"Okay," Issei began, "Here's how this is gonna work. You're gonna give me your left hand and we'll call out your Ddraig. Once I'm certain we've got his full attention we'll go from there."

"Have you done something like this back in your world?" Karasuba voiced the question that was admittedly on both of our minds.

"I've dealt with Sacred Gears before." The otherworlder replied, not seeming to care if he sounded reassuring as he cracked his knuckles and neck. "The ones with sentient consciousnesses in them are always a little tricky and need a few extra steps, but even the most stubborn don't put up with this method for long. Now, left hand please."

Karasuba sighed before laying her left hand out on the table, palm down. Issei held his right hand a couple inches over hers and projected a dim light. For a brief moment, the irregular golden light of ancient scriptures raced up the Queen's arm before vanishing just as quickly.

Like it did the first time they met, a green jewel appeared on the back of her left hand. Unlike last time, it lit up and a voice projected from it. A very irritable sounding one at that.

"So we meet again, my otherworld self." The feral Ddraig growled. "If you desire to waste our time again with more frivolous talk, I'll have none of it. If you wish to tell us about your encounter with Albion, though—"

"You should've heard all of that already." Issei cut him off. "And that's one of the major things you'll have to put a lid on."

"My grudge with Albion shall never be quenched!" The Welsh Dragon roared. "So long as my sworn enemy continues to live I shall never rest until the day he—AAAAGH! What was that?!"

"This," his now tormentor began, holding up a saltshaker, "Is about to become one of your worst nightmares if you don't start playing kosher… no pun intended. Wait, is this stuff kosher?"

"Focus." Yes. Yes it was.

"You've got to be kidding me." Karasuba blinked, stuck between elated and dumbfounded as she slowly comprehended what was happening.

"Salt?" He scoffed. "You are a fool if you think mere salt is enough to—AAAAAAAAARGH!" He was interrupted by more salt casually being poured on Karasuba's hand.

"Maybe in most cases," the otherworlder corrected, "But when you're able to tinker with a Sacred Gear, and know a few off-hand existential tricks, a petty thing like this is more than possible."

"And what exactly do you hope to accomplish with this course of action?" The dragon growled.

"We want you to leave Karasuba alone." I explained. "As in, stop trying to get her to fight Albion every waking second, stop screaming in her mind, and stop threatening to take things from her. She may be your vessel but she's not a sacrifice for your pride."

"WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW?! All have heard and fear the name of Ddraig, the Red Dragon Emperor, the Dragon of Domination! I was a force of nature who took and destroyed what I wanted whenever I wanted! Even now, trapped inside of this Sacred Gear, my name is spoken in either fear or admiration of my power! I shall not allow that to change now or ever so if my current host cannot demonstrate the fullness of my majest—AAAAAAAAARGH!"

This time Issei used two shakes instead of one.

"Yeah, that's exactly the problem." The visiting Sekiryuutei pointed out, yawning, unimpressed by the rant. "I admit, she's got the potential to get plenty strong eventually. But that's only going to happen if you work with her. If it were up to me, I'd just let the both of you burn out so the world has one less issue to deal with. Unfortunately, your current host made one smart decision: joining Emiya Shirou's Peerage. Since I owe the guy, I'm willing to give him a hand to get you to cooperate with Karasuba. This one specifically, pouring salt until you finally get your shit together."

"Do your worst!" The trapped entity dared. "I have endured pain through countless battles! None have or ever will conquer the dragon of domin—AAAAAAAARGH!"

"Idiot, you shouldn't have said that." The otherworld dragon in Issei's left hand sighed in genuine pity. "You never call Partner's bluff. He takes it as a personal challenge whenever someone does to meet and shamelessly exceeds expectations with his own absurd twist that'll just bewilder everyone involved. Things like power and position don't register to this fool."

"Hey Shirou, just in case, do you happen to have any street salt lying around in storage here? It's a more aggressive agent than table salt."

"I warned you."

"Oops. Never mind. I found a bag of it in my pocket space. We're good."

I almost asked why he had a bag of street salt in his pocket dimension in the first place, but caught myself at the last moment. It was better if I didn't know.

"This is gonna take a minute." I sighed. "Hope you made yourself comfortable, Kara."

"Don't worry about me, this is nothing compared to the old monkey's training." The grey-haired girl assured while trying not to smile evilly at the pain of her tormentor. In my honest opinion, there was probably nothing we could do about her own sadistic streak.

A Few Hours Later

"How many bags are we at?" Issei asked while pouring more salt on the Sacred Gear.

At this point there was so much white crystal powder all over the shed that if I didn't clearly smell the salt in the air, the place would have easily passed for a drug den gone wrong.

"That was industrial bag two we just went through." I checked. "Opening up bag three. You want the sea salt this time?"

"Yep, and tell the Fallen ninjas to prep some lemons." Issei requested. "We've been nice long enough. If he still holds out after that, we'll ditch the food stuffs and go straight to the shampoo."

I paused for a moment in thought. "Wait, couldn't you have just Boosted the salt earlier?"

"Upupupupup! Shhh! Spoilers!"

"WAAAAIT!" The dragon in the Sacred Gear suddenly begged, its gem-like eye notably bloodshot, making its normal emerald gleam look closer to that of poison ivy. "Just wait a moment!"

"I hope you're about to tell us you're ready to cooperate." I said coldly. "It hurts me to see so much salt wasted on something besides food."

"Isn't salt a huge part in alchemy and fundamental magical practice?" Issei asked skeptically.

"Your point?"

"I genuinely pity your practical magic teachers."

"I… think we can negotiate." This world's Ddraig began. "Do you really mean it when you say you're capable of making Karasuba stronger?"

"You've seen the bare minimum of what I can do and the results of just that much." Issei deadpanned as if stating the obvious, which, in hindsight, it kind of was. "We're both Boosted Gear users. The majority of our tricks using the thing are not mutually exclusive."

"Says the guy that has hell knows how many Boosts to waste on whenever he wants." Karasuba snorted.

Issei slowly turned to look at her with a dry expression, held his gauntleted left hand up in the air, manifested a two-by-four plank of wood in it…

"EXPLOSION!"

And shattered the piece with the recoil on his arm.

"One Boost." he stated as if talking about the weather while tossing the remains of the wood over his shoulder. "No energy on my part either. Skulls and bones react the same way."

"Just get to the point, you show off." Let it be known that my Queen was not one to apologize easily.

"Look, I've got loads of ways to use the Boosted Gear which I was either taught or came up with on my own since it woke up, and believe it or not, most don't need the ludicrous number of Boosts I store away at any given time. I can come up with more than a couple of ways to make Karasuba stronger, or at least more versatile. And the other me on the side, while we're at it. And if she still insists on using a sword for everything, we've got the guy whose literal origin is sword to cover that gap."

"But the biggest thing we need right now is for you to actually help her and not constantly push her to insanity." I continued for Issei. "Because the difference between you and Issei's Ddraig is that he was willing to tell him how to use his powers. You, on the other hand, have spent the last several years yelling in her ear and just expecting her to develop your powers. If not for Sun Wukong, she would've been dead ages ago."

"I had little help developing my own powers!" Karasuba's Ddraig argued. "From the moment I hatched my life was one of conflict. I became strong and feared through countless battles, that's how I made a name for myself. My vessels should be able to do the same yet they've fallen one by one. Karasuba has been the most promising one in a long time, if I help her—"

"You might actually get your dumb wish." Issei pointed out, "I was able to master several functions of my Sacred Gear before I even ran into a teacher because my Ddraig was willing to walk me through the basics and general functions. And once we got him off of his Albion hate-boner, he was a lot happier too. Albion too when I eventually got to him."

"Depends on the day." The otherworld Ddraig remarked from Issei's left hand. "You weren't exactly of much help during some of your more eccentric episodes, if you recall. Then again, Vali and Albion were nearly perfectly in sync at those times trying to put you down for good… along with nearly everyone else."

"Keyword. Trying."

"And yet you still somehow wonder why everyone keeps on knocking you off that pedestal you put yourself on." The dragon scoffed. "I would have feared you landed on your head too many times if I didn't know you were naturally insufferable."

There was a silence.

"And if you think about shaking that hell powder on me, I'm telling the nun about all those porn genres you actively avoid."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Try me."

"The point is," I interjected before we could get off subject while actively ignoring Issei and his hand glaring menacingly at one another, "If you're okay with Karasuba being trained by other people, then it shouldn't be a big deal for you to help her, too. None of us here made it this far all on our own and the only way we're gonna pull through this Khaos Brigade headache is if everyone's cooperating. That means you need to help Kara and stop trying to drive her insane."

The feral red dragon didn't say anything for several moments as he turned our words over in his head.

I could easily imagine the massive dragon weighing his options against his pride, occasionally glancing at the saltshaker in his counterpart's partner's hand. It was obvious what would happen to him if he refused so he needed a way where he could escape the pain while still feeling like he was in control.

"Do you intend to keep your word?" He asked the both of us. "Will you really show my host other ways to wield her abilities? Do you truly intend for her to improve and not just become a subservient dog?"

"Kara's not a servant." I declared. "She's the Queen of my Peerage, and therefore it's my responsibility as her king to ensure she's capable of performing her duties to the utmost. But that can only happen if you cooperate. So, what's it going to be? You actually gonna help Kara, or should my friend here get out the next batch of seasoning?"

"Very well, very well." The feral Ddraig gave an exasperated sigh. "I shall provide better aid to the Hatchling. But keep your word or her torment shall continue."

"Uh-huh." Issei commented dismissively before throwing the saltshaker to Karasuba. "Just use that if he starts to get irritating again."

"Sure thing." Karasuba replied sleepily, letting out a yawn. "Now if you don't mind, I need to get some actual sleep. The dick kept me up all night after hearing that Albion was moving about." Neither of us stopped her as she got up and headed back to the large beach house.

"Alright." I breathed out. "That's one problem dealt with for the time being. You still up for training my Pawns?"

"Yeah, it shouldn't take too long, given how professional they are." Issei assured. "Heck, I'm starting to wonder if those guys can get angry."

"I'm pretty sure they can," I surmised, "But I'd hate to see what it took to get them angry. And no, that is not a challenge to try and find out."

"Spoilsport." The porn-monger quipped. "Oh well, guess that leaves even more time on my schedule for the other guy."

"Is it who I think it is?" I dared to ask.

"Let's just say I'd like to get the awkwardness out of the way now in a more controlled environment instead of at some random point in time that neither of us is prepared for." Issei sighed. "And if he really is anything like me, then I should have plenty of ways to motivate him."

"Well, even if you can't motivate him, Gremory can." I shrugged. "Just remember to be back here on time or we might think something happened."

"Yes Mom." Issei rolled his eyes as he turned and started walking away, giving a quick wave as he did so.

As for me, I headed back over to where the others were located, pleased to find that Kuroka had indeed shown up. It's not that I didn't expect her to, she just seemed the type to wander when she felt like it and I didn't have the same confidence as some others in the tracking seals we placed on her. But for once, she seemed all business as she cast a scrutinizing gaze on her sister, who was currently sitting in a meditative pose.

"Good." She observed. "Feel the flow of ki both within yourself, the environment, and everyone around you. Stretch your senses as far as they can go and then push even further."

"There are so many powerful people here." The younger nekoshou tried not to tremble at the distant, and one not-so-distant, presences of said individuals. "How are you not… overwhelmed by it?"

"I've learned to let it become like background noise." Kuroka explained. "All the time I've spent around powerful people like Vali and Ophis gave me the chance to strengthen my spirit against it, and become even stronger as a result as I tempered myself. So long as you stand firm against the power they exude, you will not be overwhelmed and grow as well."

"Alright, I'll try." Shirone stated while keeping her eyes closed. It was obvious she'd been putting in a good bit of work if her labored breathing was anything to go by. And it brought a smile to my face to see two siblings getting along.

Though I was quickly broken out of my train of thought when a blade came descending from behind me. I summoned one of my own and blocked it without even looking back.

"Damn, thought I had you." Kiba almost laughed as he stepped away and I turned towards him. "Am I at least getting the hang of being less knightly?"

"You're willing to hit people when their backs are turned now." I replied while summoning Bakuya and Kanshou. "That's a step in the right direction. Why don't you show me what other dirty tricks you've cooked up?"

Later in the Day: The Forest Near the Beach

An explosion marked the latest in a number of recent successes since the training of the Fallen Angel ninjas had begun.

"Okay." Issei quickly counted in his head. "Looks like you guys are good for five executions before needing to recharge those magic weapons of yours."

"Our apologies." The leader, Ramiel, spoke for all four of them. "With the sacrifice of our magic we are wholly dependent on magical items and weapons to perform even the most basic of sorceries."

"It happens." Issei responded dismissively. "This training's dependent on your control and execution. Not capacity. You're the overly loyal guys who decided it was a good idea at the time, but it's not like we're expecting you to be the vanguard for a major fight. Like I said before, this is a last resort for you guys when running or hiding aren't options, which should be almost never if you can ninja good enough to steal four pieces of Excalibur at the same time."

"We intend to ninja in such a way that is worthy of our master." Ramiel replied, again managing to keep a straight face despite the slightly ridiculous statement he was making.

"Okay, well keep at it, I guess." the Sekiryuutei turned and headed back towards the beach house while waving lazily. "I got one more thing to take care of so see you guys during meeting time." The four Fallen Angels barked an affirmative before returning to their training.

'Now on to one of the more awkward things I've ever done in my life.' He mused. 'Which is saying a lot.'

It didn't take him long to reach his destination but as he reached for the door it instead opened up to reveal the person he'd been trying to avoid for the majority of his stay in this alternate world: his counterpart.

"Oh, uh, hey, uh, me." He managed to stammer out. "Buchou told me you wanted to train me. So… how are things?"

"Awkward." The otherworlder answered. "Ridiculously awkward. I won't even try to deny it. I was hoping the two of us weren't going to run into each other while I was here."

"Because I'm embarrassing?" Karasuba's brother guessed in a sad tone.

"If you just wanted to see an embarrassing version of yourself, you'd look in a mirror." Ddraig laughed through that connection.

"No, it's just weird talking to a shorter version of myself who's somehow not encountered the supernatural until a few months ago." He corrected, ignoring his asshole partner.

"Yeah, how are you three inches taller than me, and how did you wind up with two Sacred Gears?!" Shorter Issei questioned enthusiastically.

"Dumb luck mostly for the latter." The otherworld Issei explained with a shrug, "I was born with just the Boosted Gear. When I was five, the other guy here just showed up from out of nowhere and jumped into the Boosted Gear to hide from Ophis, and wound up becoming another Sacred Gear when he activated the former. As for the extra growth, I'd just chalk it up to early training, a good diet. Screwing with magic early sometimes fucks with your metabolism during puberty."

"More like super-good luck." His other self gave him a teary-eyed look while holding up his Sacred Gear, a small red gauntlet that left his fingers exposed. "I got Twice Critical. It's apparently super common and can only double someone's strength, which would be cool if I had any to begin with."

"From what I hear you didn't exactly spend a lot of time training while you grew up." Issei recalled.

"No, that was Karasuba's thing." His other self groaned. "It makes a lot more sense now that I know she has that Sacred Gear and everything. But when I think about it, we'd still be leagues apart even if I had awakened my Sacred Gear and trained with her because she's the one with the Boosted Gear. Is it true that she isn't there in your world?"

"Only child. Not sure if it's the same here, but Mom has a condition that makes having kids difficult. It was a surprise I managed to come out at all. Makes sense if you two are twins in a way if things are similar here. Surprise two-for-one deal and all that."

"I think I remember mom and dad saying something like that when we were younger. I didn't really pay much attention to it though… even if Karasuba more or less acts like I'm an unwanted mistake now."

"Yeah, I'm not going to say that you don't deserve some of what she gives you. You did kinda just do nothing but waste all your time on games and porn since middle school. But at the same time, you don't deserve all of it, either. Especially considering your abnormal situations."

"I know. I'm just the runt and she's the Sekiryuutei. I get it. I'm not THAT oblivious."

"No, I mean, you're both adolescent pseudo-dragons."

"What?"

"Ugh. It's a long lecture that you won't stay awake for, but to super dumb it down, when hitting puberty, dragons and dragon-themed Sacred Gear users get hit with a stupid cocktail of hormones so heavy that it pretty much bans all of you from competing in organized sports. And potentially land you in the hospital. Said hormones usually drives its victims to look for something to fight and or fuck until their bodies finally adapt to it, if ever."

"That makes far more terrifying sense than it should."

"Well that was part one." The stronger of the two grimaced. "Part two is that dragons are naturally territorial and respect power. And with Karasuba being naturally more powerful due to her Sacred Gear, she was instinctively looking for fights and something to measure herself against, even without her Ddraig fucking things up. And the only one around was you, as a reminder, took puberty in a completely different direction."

"Are… are you saying that I unintentionally 'fight-cucked' her just because I didn't turn out to be a violent sociopath like her? And she's holding a grudge because of it?"

There was a tinge of something there that the visiting Issei didn't expect from his counterpart.

Genuine anger.

"I'm sensing a story coming on." The otherworld Issei surmised.

"The story is that when we were kids in elementary school, we did fight, and she kicked my ass so hard that she gave me a concussion and knocked me out so bad that I had trouble seeing for a week! And she's angry at ME for not trying to fight back after that?!"

There was an awkward silence.

SMACK!

The sound of the foreign Issei's facepalm could be seen and felt for meters in every direction.

"You know, you'd think that something like that would actually come into conversation at some point given its relevancy. But then I remember, oh yeah. Japanese culture's treatment, recognition, and awareness of mental health and trauma is essentially non-existent. Why should I expect the obvious and critical thinking when it comes to shit like this?"

It was all a pathetic joke. Karasuba got angry because her brother was not as strong or capable as her. And he wasn't driven because, oh yeah, nobody bothered to tell him what the hell was going on in the first place. And then she obviously pushed too hard and made him withdraw into himself. Which pissed her off more.

And since the girl was a coin toss between a psychopath or a sociopath, she blamed him for his reaction instead of herself because clearly she wasn't in the wrong. Even years later when, surprise-surprise, nobody else was like her either, but she still blamed her brother for probably being the FIRST to underscore the fact, reminding her of it every time she saw or thought of him for not being exactly like her just because he's her twin. Even though the only way he'd be able to match her expectations was if he was born with Divine Dividing and thus they'd be all but forced to kill one another due to the dragons in them.

But no, those details didn't matter to the hypocritical girl who couldn't make up her mind on whether she wanted to hate her brother for being even remotely normal compared to her, or not being a disturbed violent nut that was on the fast track to dying young like her.

All in all, it was just… embarrassing to the visiting Sekiryuutei.

It was the sort of half-assed teen drama logic that only a shameless romantic or complete moron could get behind. And he wanted absolutely nothing to do with it.

"And yet somehow she's blaming ME for not fighting back after that?" Surprisingly, the native Issei for once sounded genuinely insulted and irritated by the revelation.

"What about mom and dad? Don't tell me they were away on a business trip for eight months or some stupid anime excuse."

"No. At first they told me that since I was a boy and her brother I should fight back. Which is how I got laid out. From what I saw, she only got grounded for a week and had to apologize, which even I could tell she didn't even mean. Not even three days later she was chasing and bullying me to fight again, and when I went to mom and dad they told me I could fight back or just give up and make her lose interest. So I picked the one that wouldn't hurt like hell and possibly ruin my head more than it already is. Sports? Grades? That's what SHE wants to do! And if I try to do better, she thinks it's some stupid competition against her, even when we all know I was never going to win if it was, and wouldn't leave me alone about it until I gave up again! I TRIED to get along with her, but she just wouldn't stop and mom and dad kept on pushing me to compete even though I hated it! The only thing I could and ever wanted to do that she WOULDN'T turn into some stupid contest or make all about her was—"

"Porn."

The visiting Issei answered knowingly, and put a hand on his counterpart's shoulder to calm him down.

The more things changed, the more they stayed the same.

"So the bottom line is, your sister's a violent cunt, mom and dad aren't doing jack about it, and pretty much everyone's written you off because you've decided to go in the one direction that said cunt won't follow you for any peace of mind instead of trying to address the actual problem."

"More or less. Helps that I actually do like porn and oppai to begin with."

"As you should. The absolute truth is there after all."

"And the outsiders will never know."

"No they will not." The two porn idiots agreed in a way that would be found in most devout religious institutions and cults.

The more powerful of the two coughed and straightened himself out. "Right, but again, psycho bitch aside, from what I've heard you didn't exactly try to be particularly anything in another field, either. No hobbies or interests other than porn to at least throw her off. You could have tried at least to get into something."

"I tried. Like I said. She kept trying to make everything into a competition. If not between me and her, then me and virtually everyone else. I just wanted to have fun. Not 'win' or 'dominate' or whatever embarrassing excuse she had to get off being a sadist." The native Issei shook his head before looking at his counterpart with renewed hope. "But… you were able to beat her! I couldn't have done that in a million years and that makes me super jealous! You're just so strong, the absolute best version of myself!"

"You really think I'm the best version of yourself?" Issei questioned in a tired, almost self-mocking tone. "You think I'm strong, but even with all the power I've got I couldn't hold onto my dream. I broke down under the pressure and haven't been the same since. Hell, I can't even properly say… nevermind. The fact is I'm a bit jealous. The only reason I've been anything close to happy, or functional for that matter, here is because I found someone I could trust for the time being. You, on the other hand, can still laugh and smile and go nuts over sexy women."

"I have been curious about that." His shorter self mused aloud. "You talk all the time about porn but you've barely complimented any of the girls here. Your boosted growth hasn't given you ED, has it?"

"I WISH IT WAS THAT SIMPLE BECAUSE THEN IT'D BE EASY TO FIX!" Issei yelled to the Heavens before quickly regaining his composure. "Ahem, but no, I don't have ED. An overabundance of porn and a really bad experience have made it much harder for me drool over hot women, that's all. That said, oppai are still the balm of the soul and bring me true peace."

"Hmmm. Agreed. Oppai truly are the answer to all problems in the world." The lesser Issei nodded sagely.

The two shameless perverts shared a moment of solidarity, finding satisfaction in the moment with a fellow comrade.

"Okay, guess that's one thing I'm not jealous of." The Twice Critical wielder admitted. "But, I'd still like to get a lot stronger than I am now. That way, I can protect everyone in my Peerage!"

"That's a step in the right direction." Issei nodded in approval before summoning his Boosted Gear. "Alright, first thing's first. You're weak as shit."

"I thought you were supposed to be on my side."

"If you want to know what works, you need to know the truth." The stronger of the two lectured. "Now then, since time is limited, I'm going to help you out with that."

"You're not going to drug me, are you? I heard you're some sort of medic."

"No. Drugs was Nee-san's thing. I got a better way for you to cheat."

"Nee-san? Wait, cheat? Seriously?"

"This is the real world where everything is bound to explode around you sooner or later. If you aren't trying to cheat in one way or another, you aren't trying."

"Well when you put it that way… this isn't going to make my balls shrink or fall off as a side effect, is it?"

"Not unless you're doing something horribly wrong on your end." The foreign Sekiryuutei shrugged. "Now then, for the rest of your training with me, you're focusing on nothing but your foundation and basics."

The Twice Critical user frowned. "Foundations? I thought you were teaching me how to cheat?"

The stronger of the two's eyes glimmered in amusement. "You played video games right? RPGs and all that?"

"Yeah, sometimes. I'm more of a visual novel player but that's not all I play." The weaker one was confused.

The Boosted Gear user pointed at the Twice Critical. "Does the term 'EXP Boost' mean anything to you?"

"No."

"Yup."

"You mean…?"

"Yup."

"Does that also mean…?"

"Stat growth too. Permanent."

"But that means…"

"Yeah. Super busted."

"And there's no…?"

"There is, but only if you do it wrong, which I'll teach you how to avoid."

"And you told Sis?"

"The Shrew? As if. Let that nut figure it out on her own. She doesn't need it and fuck knows what would happen if this world's Ddraig ever learned about it."

"And you did this when you were five?"

"Eeeeeh. Sort of. Focused most of my time on studying and practicing magic rather than physical training. From what I can tell I started off as an idiot like you. Seriously, we need this trick and years of training to have any hope in a field with fine magic control like the medical field. Naturally gifted, we are not."

"You… really aren't a genius, are you?"

"Never claimed I was. Smart and well studied while abusing my Sacred Gear, yes. A natural genius? Fuck no. I earned this shit."

Issei Hyoudou, bearer of Twice Critical, opened and closed his mouth several times in confusion. "Why?"

Issei Hyoudou, bearer of the Boosted Gear grimaced slightly and looked away for a moment, before sighing tiredly and looked at his counterpart in the eyes.

"You know why."

The Harem.

The two unspoken words echoed throughout the air, holding impossibly heavy, yet significantly different meanings for both of them.

"But you said that—"

"I fucked up." The stronger of the two cut him off tersely, clearly not wanting to go into details before realizing how high strung he was and forced himself to relax. "I… you, aren't in the same position I am. Not here. Not back home. Just… whatever you do, keep it simple and don't spread yourself thin to the point that you miss the obvious signs when it comes to people in your circle, alright?"

The weaker of the two clearly had questions upon questions to ask his other, from his past to the training…

But ultimately…

"… You didn't pull a 'Makoto Itou,' did you?"

His counterpart looked like he had just been slapped. "What th- No! NO! Nameless Elder Eldritch Gods, no! For fucks sake what do you take me for?! I'm slightly deranged, not a completely psychopathic, manipulative, abusive, two-timing asshole! Politics! Politics and a well-connected backstabbing yandere fucked me over!"

"Ooooooooh. Sorry." Yeah, in hindsight, comparing his counterpart to one of the biggest bastards in adult visual novel history may have been a bit much.

The Sekiryuutei grimaced and rubbed his temples with one hand. "Ugh. You know what? That's your one warning. You do something stupid again, and I drop your ass and stop helping anymore. Got it?"

"R-right."

"You better. No wonder nobody looks at you yet if you say shit like that all the time. And people say I don't think before talking."

The Twice Critical Issei flinched at that particular remark considering who it came from.

"All right. Let's just try this again. Training." The stronger of the two breathed out deeply to calm himself down. "Right. We're going to stick to the bare basics. Training and tactics that'll keep you alive, plus a few tricks and tactics that actually do have a hope of taking down enemies that you have no right taking on just yet. And, while we're at it, take some time to think about the girl you really want to impress and train you to not potentially run her off the moment you open your mouth and say something impossibly stupid."

"Now that I can do no problem!" His alternate self declared as their training began.

One Hour Later

Something was wrong. Issei's expression was somewhat dour.

With Kiba recuperating, I decided to walk over to him.

"What's wrong?" I inquired.

He glanced at me, his expression suggesting he was considering not answering at all before relenting and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Let's just say I have another problem to add to the list of gripes I have with your Queen."

Not good. "What is it? Did the other Issei say something that set you off?"

"Sort of." He admitted.

"What is it?"

After receiving a lengthy explanation, I shook my head. This wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation for either of us.

"Tell me," I began, taking a breath, "How old do you think Karasuba was when her Sacred Gear awakened? When the symptoms began?"

He shrugged. "Not sure exactly, but given how she probably woke up her Boosted Gear when puberty hit and girls experiencing it earlier, I'd guess around ten or eleven."

I shook my head, and then I decided to cut to the chase. "She was nine when it manifested. I have it on good authority from her parents, photos, and even school reports that she never laid a finger on Issei before Ddraig started damaging her psyche. That incident, and any others like it, happened after he entered the picture."

His eyes frowned in slight contemplation as he digested this information. A second later he opened his mouth, but I went on before he could say anything.

"A nine-year-old tomboy with a lot of bottled-up issues, pushed to the surface all at once with the force of a volcano by a being who will not leave her alone. One who constantly floods her dreams with graphic descriptions of what it wants her to do. He made sleep torture for her. I hope you of all people should know what lack of sleep can do to a person, especially a child?"

His face twisted into something of disgust and discomfort. That was enough of an answer.

"For months on end," I continued, "That feral dragon tormented her almost non-stop, affecting her behavior and, undoubtedly, her interactions with members of her family. Until, one night, it happened."

"She went berserk." Issei answered the obvious question with an obvious answer.

"She went berserk. She tried to take control of Ddraig, but he turned the tables and had her rampage through the house, trying to kill her family. Her father managed to calm her down, but not before she tore his arm off."

The teen frowned slightly, glimmers of disappointment and annoyance flickered in his eyes, but that was it.

The mere fact that that was all I saw angered me more than it should have.

I advanced on him until we were mere inches apart. "And before you even think about blaming her, she had no teachers, no one who could help her until after the incident. So, by what right do you presume to judge her, Issei?"

"She's a hypocrite who—"

"No." I stated firmly, cutting him off. "You are the hypocrite, Issei. You condemn her for being unable to tackle an utterly Herculean task by herself when she's still a child, for failing to control her draconic impulses; but I highly doubt you were able to do that 100% of the time when your Boosted Gear manifested-and you actually got a nice Ddraig and multiple people willing to help you."

I stepped back and spread my arms. "So tell me, what's your excuse? Were you simply horny and wanted to touch every breast and ass that came within a football field's distance from you, only to finally stop after it kept getting you punched in the face or spanked by your mother? Or both?"

His eye twitched and his gaze turned into a blank mask. I'd struck a particularly deep nerve. I'd likely gone too far. Too bad, he did it first, and he needed to be reminded of that.

"Tell me," I went on, "What do you think it would have been like if you had gotten the feral Ddraig while she got the friendly one. If you had had to confront him alone. Would you have been able to conquer such a feat at such a young age without developing some issues? Or would you have gone the same route as her, maybe worse?"

His cold stare seemed to frost over, never steering away from my steel hard one.

"I call her a hypocrite, because she doesn't regret what she did to her brother. Because as far as my incompetent counterpart is concerned, she IS his Ddraig. And if she is half as smart and self aware as she claims to be, she knows it."

The room went dead quiet.

"I don't care about her Freudian excuse for her behavior. I have a list of my own. Boo hoo. She was tortured as a kid. So was Sakura, stuck in a worm pit to the point she almost birthed a literal god of all evils and killed fuck knows how many people in Fuyuki. Even in the mindless despair of her situation, she still had the dignity and self respect to recognize what she was doing was fundamentally wrong and hypocritical, and that nothing should excuse her actions."

The mention of Sakura's potential future was low blow and struck a nerve that I forgot I had.

"Or should I remind you what Illya's done and more than capable of doing as a magus? Because I assure you, it goes into quite graphic detail in the visual novels, and I'm not referring to what Berserker could do. You going to brush what she does aside too the next time she cuts loose?"

That time I did twitch.

"An excuse with a sad backstory is not a fucking reason to be a perpetual cunt to someone that cared about you and didn't fight back. It's a copout. I should know." The Sekiryuutei firmly stated with a genuine growl. "That stupid girl you call a Queen could have lashed out at anyone. Friends. Teachers. Her own parents. She could have not lashed out at all if she was supposedly strong enough, then or now or whatever. But she instead chose her own twin brother brother of all people, who need I remind you nobody told fuck all about anything until apparently a couple of months ago at best, as her personal scapegoat. And he didn't know why all this time. And you want to seriously just accept that shit without a second thought? THE Shirou Emiya, idolizer of Heroes of Justice? Did turning into a Devil lower your standards that much?"

I will not lie. I nearly punched the teen in front of me if his words had not hit me just as hard.

"She settled on punching down, copying the same monster she claims to hate so much, and sees absolutely nothing wrong with it. He's her scapegoat and nobody has the balls to call her out on her shit logic because of either half-assed pity or cowardice. Even now she practically flaunts it and has an infantile temper tantrum whenever he's even mentioned around her. It's fucking embarrassing. For her. You. Him. Even me."

My fists tightened, and I wanted the brat that was insulting my Queen to shut up. But I didn't. My iron will held strong, and I took in his infuriating words because in spite of my anger, I knew he was right. Karasuba had a nasty streak a mile wide and everyone knew it. I had only been trying to excuse the worst of it that had yet to be addressed because I had been confident I could deal with it on my own time without it potentially causing any further major issues in the meantime.

I had completely forgotten how unlikely that plan was to take place in general, much less with another Sekiryuutei around.

"THAT's why your Queen got another notch on my shit list, and THAT is something you have to fix. Unless you're perfectly content with having another mental case as a personal pet project to take care of instead of a functional human or Devil or Dragon or whatever as a Queen and genuine partner. She doesn't have to love, respect, acknowledge, or even like the weakling. But she has to deal with the fact that he has absolutely nothing to do with her shitshow and it's not his fault. Otherwise she's just going to strut along in life with the idea that she can just blame whoever she fucking likes like some five-year-old for her actions and get away with it. Because she already did it once for her own brother. Under duress or not, she's made it a fucking habit and it has to stop one way or another."

Worse still was that this foreign Sekiryuutei had managed to get to the point of the matter while trying to avoid everyone in the first place.

I bit my tongue in frustration as I digested his words. Karasuba was an ongoing problem that I had yet to completely deal with. I wasn't foolish enough to believe otherwise, but I hadn't bothered to try and view the situation from this world Issei's perspective too deeply before and how that might reflect back on her and reinforce her bad behavior.

"... So in short, I get Karasuba to deal with her issues with our Issei if we want her to start acting like a functional human again even after getting her Ddraig under control."

"More or less." The foreign Sekiryuutei just as bluntly replied, cooling off as well. "I don't know or care how impossible it is since it's not my job. It's yours now."

He didn't need to remind me. It had been perpetually drilled in my head by virtually every major player in the Devil world I talked to ever since I had made her my Queen. "I don't think it's as impossible as you might think. Believe it or not, Karasuba actually was close to her brother before she awakened her Boosted Gear."

Issei skeptically lifted an eyebrow, "Could have fooled me. She was actually a passable person once?"

"Yes." I confirmed. "They had different interests, but before they turned nine, she was only ever nice to him. And in spite of your 'sociopath and psychopath' comment, she feels nothing but deep remorse for what happened to her father. She even fell in love at one point."

"Let me guess," he replied gravely, "Something happened to her boyfriend?"

"Girlfriend." I corrected.

"Girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend. Her name was Yume. And yes, from what I've gathered, she's dead."

"So she's a lesbian." He replied with a careless shrug, clearly not caring one way or another about Karasuba's preference. "Anything else you feel I should know?"

"Yes, actually." I thought of something. "Personal gripe or not, she's currently angry with her brother about something he did—or, more specifically, failed to do—recently."

Issei narrowed his eyes. "Go on."

"A Devil came into their house and altered their parents' memories—on his watch."

Issei's posture slightly stiffened. "That's not saying much. He's a fresh Pawn that's learning the ropes. Anyone that can modify memories is already tiers above what he can possibly manage. Who was it?"

"Gremory." I provided.

His minor irritation melted away briefly. "Was this after he joined her Peerage?"

I nodded.

"Then it's not his fault." He pointed out. "It's not like he could have taken her on or disobeyed her, even if he knew what was going on. Slight memory adjusting is standard SOP for keeping civilian humans uninvolved anyways. Unless, you would rather them do things the Magus way."

So help me I was going to punch the guy at this rate.

"All good points." I acknowledged, then exhaled in exasperation. "But instead of using any of them, he defended himself in the stupidest way possible when she berated him for it: by proclaiming that, in his own words, that 'there were boobs.'"

Issei's eyes twitched, and he gave me an utterly flat look, "... Please tell me you're not fucking around saying that."

"When have I ever done that?" I responded to his question with one of my own.

"Fuck me I have so much work to do with these idiots." He sighed, conceding to at least this part of the argument. "Did Weeb at least undo it when she was called out?"

"Under threat of Karasuba. Rias slips up sometimes, but she isn't that oblivious." I nodded before he gave me a studying look.

"And Karasuba's half-assed reason why she didn't bother telling her twin about her condition to at least motivate him a little to help her out and show some familial camaraderie?" He inquired. "Because my point still stands, blaming him for shit that she explicitly controlled is at the core of all this hypocritical nonsense in the first place."

I blew out my breath and closed my eyes for a few seconds, knowing this was going to be difficult. "Mutual deception. Karasuba thinks that their parents don't know about Sacred Gears, the Underworld, and the like. You've seen your other self here. Secrecy isn't his strong point and she was worried he might let the situation slip. Ironically, your parents here don't want her to figure out that they do know about everything because they're afraid that she'll abandon whatever goals she may have for fear of worrying them."

Issei facepalmed and looked at me as though I was an idiot.

"Did you just hear what you said? She's using circular logic for her bullshit and you're buying it. She's using the rest of her family as an excuse to treat a single member of her family like shit even though they're all supposedly vanilla humans. And she's hiding behind the fact that her Ddraig is a dick to shield herself from how retarded it sounds when you get to the bottom line, even after she's supposedly 'all grown up and powerful' now. That might have worked when she first woke up the damn thing, but it sure as hell doesn't fly now."

"You're saying she's doubling down on her story then." I frowned.

He held his ground. "Her universal excuse for nearly everything she does is her parents, throwing anyone else including other family members under the bus one way or another and having a tantrum like a baby the moment she's called out." Issei looked at me with an unamused expression, "And here I thought my family life was a convoluted shitshow. I take it back. The entire family here is a cavalcade of hypocritical morons. Ironically, it's the other me that's somehow the least toxic and braindead of the lot. At least he doesn't hide what he wants nor actively fucks with other people's lives trying to pull it off. And to modify the earlier question, NEITHER SIDE bothered to explain all this to him because…?"

"I honestly don't know." I admitted, mentally grimacing at the realization that, yes, our Issei Hyoudou really was the most honest, trustworthy, and straightforward member of the Hyoudou household. "You'd have to ask them, and also pull back the curtain on the masquerade."

He frowned at my choice of words. "And won't that be a lovely disaster when YOU do since you're the one that willingly stepped into the middle of it in the first place. Not me. I'll say it again, this is not my disaster. It's yours and theirs. The most I'm doing is lighting a fire under your ass to actually get it done and throwing in some cliffnotes so that you actually have a shot of pulling it off without setting the town on fire."

I reluctantly nodded while mentally coming up with some way to drag him into the mess regardless. His aversion to seeing his alternate family was clearly rooted in his own trauma. If Karasuba suffered doing this, he would have to as well, if only to mollify my Queen even slightly. "It will. But it's going to have to happen at some point. I don't know why they are acting quiet about this in the first place though. If I had to guess, they were probably trying to think of a way to help her deal with what they knew was a Sacred Gear problem while keeping out of politics."

"Not that great of an excuse. We're in Japan. The Yokai are isolationist by nature, especially from the three factions, and have tons of sealing methods that work on Sacred Gears. Keeping the Boosted Gear quiet for a generation would have been more than enough to get some of the higher ups to help out."

The Yokai again. I was beginning to think that we really should have put more effort into reaching out to the powers of the world outside of the Three Major factions earlier than we should have. "You might be right, and given how they treat him now, I'm sure they are aware of it and are trying to run damage control. They are trying to help him find a girlfriend, after all."

Issei made a look of genuine disgust. "That's putting a massive cart before a newborn horse and you know it. There's no point in getting a girlfriend if you don't have the capability to maintain a relationship. Not unless it's an unhealthy one. The 'me' here needs to be whipped into shape to have a hope of having a single steady potential interest, let alone multiple. His interpersonal interaction skills are somehow worse than mine. Seriously, those two. What the hell are they thinking parenting is? They need to be held accountable for playing favorites and making things worse by playing games with this shitshow. The other me is fucking repressed because of your Queen. And apparently his parents are co-conspirators for letting her take out her frustrations on him."

That I can agree with. "I wasn't particularly enamored with the setup when I learned the truth myself. Your father here has a certain way with words, otherwise I would have been more proactive about Karasuba than I already am."

"Good. Are we done then? Your Queen needs work. The other me needs work. And their parents need work. And I'm getting involved as little as physically possible for everyone's sake. Anything else we need to gripe about?"

I nodded. "Just one."

WHAM!

I'd like to say that I caught him off guard with the swift punch to the face with my enhanced speed and strength, but judging from how his blank expression didn't change and how hard his skull felt under my fist, I doubted it.

I glared at the Sekiryuutei that had impacted the nearby slightly cratered wall, already picking himself up and rubbing his cheek with a glowing hand. "I hope you understand why I did that."

"More or less. It'd be more concerning if Sakura and Illya weren't sore spots for you." Annoyingly, he didn't seem to be affected or surprised by the blow. If anything he sounded resigned and disjointed from the world and what had just taken place. "I've been told my delivery needs work when it comes to debating."

I had to keep this quick otherwise I'd be tempted to punch him again. "So? You know Karasuba's. What's your 'half-assed Freudian excuse' for treating everyone like trash?"

"That?" He looked up at me with blank, dead eyes that seemed to have no soul. "It's nothing special. I just don't want to deal with people much anymore. That, and to be certain that the next time I'm betrayed, drugged, raped, almost enslaved and murdered, falsely accused, slandered, robbed, violated, isolated, abandoned, vilified, and psychologically tortured to the point that I genuinely become the monster that the world claims I am, before the global underworld population actively rejoices at my reported death, again, I'll actually deserve a fraction of the treatment I get for once."

I open and close my mouth a few times, unsure how to process the revelation before my mind catches onto something peculiar about his statement.

"You sound certain that whatever you went through will happen again."

Issei turned around and casually walked in the direction of his accommodations as if nothing had happened, the bruise on his cheek already healed. No, if anything he was actively shutting out the world to the point that he appeared to be completely unflappable. "Give it time. Everyone always has their list of priorities. I've long since accepted that I'll never rank high enough for others to risk much for me no matter what I do when the chips are down. It's fine."

No. It certainly wasn't fine.

And considering that we just had a conversation about how his alternate self had more or less been isolated by his sister and family and I had been indirectly justifying some of that treatment to protect Karasuba, I suddenly understood why he had taken the news as severely as he did.

My Issei Hyoudou had been written off here as an acceptable casualty for something perceived as greater and more important than him, even by his own family.

And apparently, the same thing had happened in his world too. Only clearly to a much more extreme degree.

It dawned on me that while I had been protecting Karasuba and her perspective on what had happened, I had unintentionally been justifying our Issei's treatment as well.

From his perspective, I might as well have told him that our worlds would more or less treat "Issei Hyoudou" the same way in the end.

Damn it.

"Issei…"

"It's fine." He cut me off without looking back. "Just deal with your problems will you? The sooner we clean up that stupid mess, the sooner we can focus on the jobs that do matter again. Like getting me home. I have to get back soon or my backlog will kill me before anything else will."

As he walked away muttering absently about porn and paperwork, I could practically see and feel the walls around the visiting Sekiryuutei mount up around him. Odds were high that he'd be shutting out everyone and everything for at least the rest of the trip outside of basic interactions.

Shit. And here we had just managed to start making progress on him too.

I had a feeling I was going to spend far more of my budget on alcohol for the both of us by the time this mess was over.

That Night: The Beach House

"Oooooh, so sore." Asia breathed out from her place on one of the two couches in the house. "Are you sure I really need to run around so much when I'm learning how to use my power from a distance?"

"The strategic thing to do in a battle is eliminate any advantage one's enemy has." I reminded her for what must've been the fifth time today. "Taking out the healer early on is a tried-and-true tactic which means you're going to have a target on your back. I know you're confident in our ability to protect you, but even if there's only a one percent chance you might get taken out it's still a risk we need to mitigate."

"That makes sense, but I can't help but think you wanted to shoot swords at me while I was using healing magic because I never burned that shirt you hate." The blond girl mused aloud.

"No." I assured with a dangerous smile. "You wearing that embarrassing shirt saying 'people die when they're killed' had absolutely no influence on my choice of training for you."

The foreign Issei gave a light laugh in the background.

"Everyone's training was rough today, Asia." An exhausted Saji breathed out. "I don't think anything was gonna change that."

"But it was invigorating." Xenovia added. "I learned so much today. I can only imagine what other ways my sword skills will improve tomorrow."

"How about you, Koneko?" Twice Critical Issei questioned from his spot splayed out on the floor. "Did you make some progress today?"

"I did." The white-haired girl confirmed. "Sister is… very strong, don't you think, Shiro?"

"I honestly didn't get to see… wait, are you not talking to me?" I asked when I noticed she was holding something.

"This is my familiar." She revealed while holding up a white kitten. "I named him Shiro."

"Oh, you did." I laughed nervously. "That's, uh—"

"CUTE!" Karasuba suddenly appeared and snatched the small white cat from the nekoshou's hands and held him up to her face. "Where have you been?"

"We should be asking you that." Sona breathed out from her spot on the other couch, while wearing a tracksuit. "Where have you been all day?" She didn't notice the otherworld Issei snap a picture of her with his phone.

"Sleeping." The Red Dragon Emperor of our world answered simply before kissing the little kitten on his forehead. "You'd be surprised how tiring it is to listen to this guy in my arm spout off all day about how he won't yield. But now that he's more agreeable, we might make some progress."

Issei pointedly didn't look at her.

"Speaking of progress," Shirone interrupted from her position behind me, conflicted between rescuing her cat and getting any closer to Karasuba, "Could I have my familiar back?"

"Aw, but he seems to like me holding him." Karasuba noted the cat's purring from within her arms. She responded with her own purring which was apparently a thing she could do on command.

"Why do you need a stupid cat to hold when I'm right here?!" Illya fumed while waving her arms in the air and jumping as though trying to get into everyone's range of sight from below.

Shirone simply looked mortified.

"That is not a normal cat." The otherworld Issei stared at the familiar suspiciously. "Normal cats, or any animal, would lose their shit from being around so many monsters. Let alone one."

"Speaking of familiars," Serafall suddenly chimed in, having slipped into the house (and swept my sister into her arms) without anyone noticing, "I don't recall you ever getting one, Shi-chan. Why is that?"

"Uh, let's see." I recounted. "We got Xenovia's easily enough, but then Asia had to go and befriend a fully grown hydra. Which was only the most dangerous creature in the forest of familiars that also nearly ate our guide. Given how my luck usually goes, I decided it was a good time to bail before something else happened."

"All good points," Serafall admitted, "But you forgot the most important thing."

"And that would be?" I dared to ask, already fearing the answer I would receive.

"Just look at how adorable that is!" The Maou chirped while pointing at Shirone's cat in Karasuba's arms with one hand. "And just imagine how adorable it would look to have a familiar like that resting safely in your arms! Oh just the thought of my dear Shi-chan holding a cat or dog or even a pet lizard is giving me a cuteness overload!"

"You realize I probably don't have time to—" I started to protest but was cut off when she pointed a finger less than an inch from my face.

"MAKE TIME!" She commanded, squeezing Illya. "This is an order from your King. Go forth tomorrow to the forest of familiars and come back with something adorable!"

I sighed in response.

"I guess some of us should start packing." I commented. "It looks like we're going hiking tomorrow."

As you might expect, things would not go exactly to plan on this surprise trip.

Alright, one important point of clarification here, both Isseis in this story can and should be considered as unreliable narrators as both of them are still missing parts of the story. Does this excuse or justify some of the behaviors we see, I'll let you be the judge of that. So feel free to leave a comment or review about what you liked/disliked or if you've got any neat ideas for future chapters! Also, check out my Pat reon and see about becoming a patron! And stop in next time as our heroes have an, expectedly, eventful time in the forest of familiars! 'Til then.